Vicious (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

# Is it so?
# Don't wanna let you go
# No, I never can say goodbye, boy
# Ooh
# No, no
# I never can say goodbye, no no no, no no no
# No no no, ooh, ooh #
I wonder if it's going to rain. They said rain, but then they're always wrong.
It looks like it could rain.
Then, again, it might not.
Or it could.
If it were possible to bore somebody to death,
you would have massacred this entire street by now.
At least I don't fart with every step I take.
It's my shoes.
Why are all these teenagers so confident?
What exactly have they accomplished?
Apart from being loathsome.
Don't look at them. They frighten me.
Morning. We don't have any money. Run!
How far have we got?
A very short, sad distance.
I think my kneecap fell off! Can you see it anywhere?
We really must get in better shape.
Come on. Let's go home.
Violet and Penelope are coming for tea.
We never have anything good to look forward to.
Oh! Did you just feel a drop?
I think I felt a drop. Oh.
Never mind.
Oh, yes, there it is again.
Er... Wait.
Now I can't tell.
This is why people hate you.
Can I get anybody a little something to nibble on?
Oh, lunch would be lovely, darling.
I'd love some lunch. Thank you.
There's three assorted nuts. This isn't a restaurant.
How do you two know each other, again?
He's been my partner for 50 years, Penelope.
You introduced us!
Just sit there and suck on a walnut.
Hi. Hello, Ash.
Hello, Ash. Come in. Care for some lunch?
Oh, so there IS lunch. You've already had all you're getting.
I can't. Thanks. I'm just on my way to the gym.
I've been going a lot lately.
Do you mind if we go with you, Ash?
I was just saying that Freddie and I should be in better shape.
Speak for yourself. I'm in fantastic shape.
People are always staring at my ass.
Because it hangs behind your knees!
No, we need to be more fit.
We were almost mugged earlier today. Oh, my! What happened?
Oh, this child said good morning to us.
It was horrifying!
Sure. I don't mind if you guys come. I promise we won't be a bother.
All we need is for you to teach us how everything works.
I already know how it all works. I used to go to the gym all the time.
Do you still lift bags of sand?
Great. Well, I'll see you later.
Now that's a nice arse.
Oh, yes. It's just as I remembered it.
Except without all these machines.
And weights.
And people exercising.
Maybe I was thinking a gym was something else.
Thank God we're appropriately dressed.
We actually look better than everyone.
Shall we start with some stretching?
Oh! Oh...
That felt good.
That really got everything moving. Yes.
I almost feel like we could go home now.
Oh, look at all these posters for training sessions.
The whole thing is a scam. They take advantage of old people with these special offers.
They probably flatter the idiots, then they sign up.
Hi. I'm Theo, one of the trainers here.
I was going to see if you guys needed any help.
But I can see you're both already in great shape.
Thank you.
Well, don't walk away so fast. I'm sure there's still more we can learn.
Well, there's a special right now,
if you sign up for 20 sessions.
But you have to be over 50.
Are you? Just last month. Thank God.
No, I'm not sure about this.
He's offering us a special.
The first week is free. In that case, can we start now?
OK. Great. Why don't we start with some press-ups? All right.
If he dies, just keep going.
I want to get my full hour.
Come on in. Nobody's here. Are you sure this is all right, Violet?
Positive. I have my own key.
I always stop by to use the loo when I go out.
Oh, thank goodness! I thought I'd pass out if I didn't get to a toilet.
Then shouldn't you go?
Go where?
To the toilet.
Oh, right.
Hello. Jasper, darling,
it's Violet.
Just checking in. If you get this, do give me a ring.
Christ, that felt good.
we'd probably better go before Frankie and Stephen get back.
Freddie and Stuart.
Of course.
They live here, too.
You know, I'm certain they won't be home for a while.
I think we could spend a few more minutes here.
Shall we have some tea?
Oh, that sounds delightful.
Do you think it's a bit more pleasant without them here?
Oh, shit, yes.
What's that noise? Is somebody setting off fireworks?
It's my shoulder cracking.
I'm not sure, but I think a piece just broke off.
You're doing great, Freddie.
What's he doing? Is he doing it better than me?
Yes, I am. Thank you, Theo.
You were both amazing. But I did better. Right?
How could you have done better? The only exercise you've had in the last 50 years is crying.
Yes. From waking up next to you.
You two are hilarious.
Freddie, you remind me so much of my partner. Oh, is your partner an asshole, too?
Hi, guys. I've been looking all over for you.
Hello, Ash. Sorry. It took us a couple of hours longer than we thought to get ready.
I was just waiting around to show you how to use the equipment.
Oh, we're all right, Ash. Theo has been helping us.
Hey. Hey.
So you don't need any help?
We're all good here. I'm actually going to be training these handsome gents for the next three months.
Three months? Yes. We've got a special.
Not everyone gets it, you know.
It's not even that expensive. We'll just cut corners in other areas.
Like food and heat.
OK. Well...
I guess I'll see you later, then.
Oh, Ash!
You might want to rethink your outfit. It's not quite popping.
Poor little thing. Mm.
He doesn't know.
Hello? Freddie?
All clear. Oh, wonderful.
We'll just rest here for a few minutes before heading back out.
I think this the first time I've been here...
and not wanted to throw up.
They can be a bit trying.
I usually take a Valium before I come.
And I usually have a glass of vodka in the hall first.
I took the liberty of finding out the boys' schedule. They're not going to be home for hours.
It seems a shame to rush off when we're having such an enjoyable time.
Ooh, I agree!
Would you like a bit of lunch?
How nice!
I never thought I'd actually be enjoying myself here.
We'll make something quick and simple and then dash out.
There are peas.
And I can roast a chicken!
Oh, that was very nice to walk us home, Theo.
No problem.
I love your flat. It's fabulous.
Thank you.
I paid for everything.
He sat around.
You must stay for tea. If you're sure it's not any trouble?
Of course. We just want to thank you for working out with us these past few days.
I've become so strong!
I can actually get off the toilet now without grabbing onto the sink.
And I've never looked better.
I could probably go up for leading-man roles.
I'd even be open to doing a nude scene, if the part required it.
The only way you'll be required to be nude again
is if you're donating your organs.
At least I have a penis.
I love the way you two are with each other.
I hope my partner and I are like this some day, too.
You know, Theo, I was wondering
if there was anything more rigorous I could do.
I think I'm ready to step things up a bit.
Yes. And so am I.
I wouldn't say this,
if you guys weren't already in such fantastic shape,
but if you're serious I could train you for the London marathon.
I've always wanted to run a marathon!
It would be like I was in the Olympics.
Bitch, please!
You'll probably need a lot more training sessions, though.
I could see if they're offering another special, but I don't know. Another special?
Oh, yes, please. See what you can do, Theo.
Just so you know, he runs like a girl.
An old, fat, stupid girl.
Hi. Oh, hello, Ash.
You remember Ash? He stops by a lot.
Hey, we met at the gym.
Yeah, I remember. Hey.
We'd invite you in, Ash - Oh, thanks.
..but we already have visitors.
You understand and your feelings aren't hurt, are they?
Of course not.
Maybe we can hang out later.
Maybe. We'll call you and then take it on from there.
Bye. Goodbye, Ash.
Right, then, bye-bye.
Closing the door now, dear.
Just... Just move that foot a bit.
There we go!
Oh, sorry, we don't normally have people dropping in unannounced.
I believe if you're going to drop in...
..if you've got no choice, you should, erm, call first.
Yes, I completely agree.
Otherwise, it's very rude.
Can anybody else smell chicken?
So, Theo, a marathon is what? Three miles?
It's 26 miles.
I see. How many weeks does one get to finish?
I feel like I could run it today.
Your treadmill isn't turned on.
Ohh! Yes, now I see the difference.
Maybe we should call it quits for the day. The gym is about to close. I'm meeting my partner for a drink.
Yes, yes.
No, I'm just getting started.
So am I.
Hey, guys. Ah, hello, Ash.
I'm training for the marathon, in case you wondered why I'm looking so sexy.
Yes, and Theo has managed to get us a special on another three months of training.
Did he?
Why don't you and your partner come by our place for dinner later?
Oh, yes. You must come and dine with us, Theo.
That sounds fabulous. We'd love it.
Actually, I just came by to get Theo.
What's up? Somebody was looking for you in the locker room.
OK. I'll be right back.
How do I get off this thing?
Just press the stop button.
Yes. That worked.
Hello, Theo.
Hey, I thought you said someone was waiting for me in the locker room.
Someone is. Me.
You're creepy.
Creepy like a fox.
What does that even mean?
You seem like a nice kid.
So I want to make sure that we understand each other.
You're gay.
You can hang out with any gays you like.
But those two are mine.
And I want you to stay away from them. And what if I don't?
Let's just say I'm from Wigan
and we don't take kindly to strangers taking advantage of our old gay guys.
You understand me?
Not really.
I want you to give Freddie and Stuart their money back
and tell them that all their sessions were free.
Then I don't want you to come anywhere near them again.
No way.
If you don't...
I'll tell people that you're five years older than you say you are.
(GASPS) How did you find that out?
I told you.
I'm from Wigan.
Bitch. OK. OK.
Now get the bloody hell out of here.
Ohh! Aah.
Ready to stop now, Freddie? No. I think I could go on all night.
So could I. Good. Good.
Now I think we should stop.
Penelope, what would you think about changing the fabric on this sofa?
Yellow, perhaps?
Do you think we're getting a bit too comfortable here?
Why would you say that? (PING!)
Oh, the souffle is ready.
Maybe we've been spending too much time here.
No. I checked the boys' schedule for the day.
They won't be home for ages.
No, that's not what I mean.
Wouldn't you prefer to be in your own flat?
Well, that's just it.
It seems...
Jasper has disappeared.
And you haven't heard from him at all?
Not a word.
And, well...
I just can't bear to be alone in my flat.
That's why I'm spending all this time here.
I'm sure he'll be back, sweetheart.
I know.
And things like this probably happen all the time with newlyweds. Right?
It's just...
I'd rather not tell anyone else at this point. It's a bit embarrassing.
You understand? Of course.
Well, I guess we should leave.
I'm going to have to face being alone sooner or later.
All right. Although it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good souffle.
It does. And some tea.
Oh, lovely!
I'll see if there's anything good on the telly.
Oh, and, Violet, I've been meaning to ask you.
How is your new husband?
Oh, it's no use. Everybody has gone home already. I think they forgot us.
There's got to be some way out of this mess.
I'll try again. (INHALES DEEPLY)
Ohh... No.
The only way they are going to get me out of this contraption is by cutting my arms off!
No great loss. The only thing you use them for is making tea.
You're lucky I can't get over there or I'd roll that thing onto your neck.
This is all your fault, you know. My fault? How is it my fault?
If you hadn't been so competitive, none of this would ever have happened.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I am?
I was just taking a shot in the dark.
You know, when we first started working out,
I realised something.
That you have a weird smell when you sweat?
That you were more fit than me.
And I began to think, 'What if he lives longer than me?'
So I wanted to get in better shape than you to make sure
that I was the one
that lived the longest.
You selfish little wanker.
If I die first, I don't think you'll be able to survive without me.
I never want to leave you alone, Freddie.
That's beautiful.
Stuart. Yes? I want you to know something.
I think...
I'd be all right if you died first.
Don't worry.
I'm not going to.
But I want you to know, it's OK if you do.
As in completely and totally fine.
I suppose none of that matters now.
Since we're both going to die together in this gym.
At least our corpses will be toned.
I hope they don't bury me in this outfit. It's grabbing and pulling
in lots of odd places.
You're right, Stuart.
I wouldn't want to live without you.
Ash! Thank God! Save me first!
It sounds like you boys had a very harrowing experience at the gym.
Well, Vi, lucky for us,
Ash was there. It was nothing.
Wait a moment! I've just remembered something.
What is it?
The tomato is a fruit.
Go and take a nap or something, will you?
Maybe it will reset your brain.
And it looks like Theo and his partner aren't coming.
Oh, yeah, he wanted me to tell you they couldn't make it. How rude!
Did he say why?
Actually, er, I think he's moving.
I don't think we'll be seeing much of him any more.
Aw, that's too bad.
Freddie, Stuart, can I ask you something?
Did you guys like Theo better than me because he was gay?
Ash! You think everybody is gay.
We didn't like him better than you, dear.
Of course not.
We were just being nice to him for the discount.
You're our Ash.
Don't you know that by now?
Yeah, I do.
And I'm your Violet.
Don't try to get in on this, too.
Well, I shall start dinner.
And check on Balthazar.
He's been extra sleepy,
since the vet had to jump-start his heart last week.
We'd just celebrated Balthazar's 21st birthday.
He's not a puppy any more.
He's not even a dog any more.
All of our food has gone.
We should probably go.
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