Vice Principals (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript

Let's get out of here.


Gamby, she's passed out
drunk in the bathtub.

You could slam that door
as hard as you want,

that bitch ain't gonna wake up.

Are you kidding me? You see the
destruction that she-beast laid?

I'm being risk-averse, considering.

Well, now's not the time for caution.

Now's the time for celebration.

I say we finish this bottle of gin.

No. I'm not proud of
what we did here tonight, Lee.

Well, you should be.

'Cause this is how leaders are made.

Maybe so. We gotta cover our tracks.

Almost a shame to get
rid of all this stuff, isn't it?

Not really. It's a relief.

Holy shit.

Fucking beautiful.


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There you go. Look at that.

You know,
Charlemagne may not be Shadowfax,

but in time, you both are gonna create

your own unique friendship
that I would imagine

is much stronger than
anything you could have had

with a silly motorcycle.

You understand what I'm saying?

This is good right here.

Seeing you do what you're
destined to do.

And look, baby, if
Charlemagne is not into you riding her,

just make her into you.

Force yourself into her.

What are you telling her to do?

Just mind your own
business, shit-shoveler.

Go. I'm trying to bond
with my daughter here.

How's it feel to be back in the saddle?

I don't know. I kind of miss my bike.

Baby, Einstein's
definition of a dumb-ass

is someone who does the same exact
thing over and over again

and expects different results.

Well, I was thinking
about what Ray said,

about not being afraid.

Baby, if you haven't
figured this out yet,

Ray is a simple man, okay,
with simple thoughts.

You, on the other hand, are very smart.

You're very talented.

I mean, you can do any hobby you want.

Plus, isn't it really
expensive to do horses?

I mean, you could
barely pay for Shadowfax.

Oh, I don't know who told you that,

but it's not true, okay?

And money's no object, especially now.

Why especially now?

Well, I guess I'll go
ahead and tell you.

There's a good chance
I'm gonna be principal again.

- Oh.
- Oh?

- That's it?
- No, it's great, Dad.

It's just I don't want to get
my hopes up like last time.

Till it's for sure.

Well, maybe this time
it is a sure thing.

It is?


So you're definitely gonna be principal?


Hell yes.

Oh, my God.

Hey, save some bacon for
the rest of us, Moby Dick.

Oh my God, I'm dying. I am dying.

I cut a highlight reel
of the footage we shot.

I tell you what, I am on the
edge of my seat, Gamby.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

- What the fuck?
- Hmm?

Gamby, you should be as hyped as I am.

I'm about to shit my fucking pants.

No, yeah, me too. I'm about
to shit my pants too.

I just... I can't wait to shit my pants.

Jesus, Gamby, will you forget her?

Quit it. You're above her.
You're better than her.

She's not returning any of my
phone calls or my text messas.

Would you stop it?

Now you don't want to be having
some illicit affair with some teacher.

You're about to move
into a position of power.

Don't shit where you eat, Gamby.

Yeah, I know. That's good
advice, you're right.

You're damn right I'm right.

Now get in the fucking zone with me.

- Get your head down and fucking focus.
- Okay, I'm in.

I'm in it. I'm in the
zone. I'm in the zone.

Good. You got your line memorized?

- Line?
- Oh, come on, Gamby.

You're supposed to say,
"End of the line, slut."

That's gonna be clever, 'cause we
gonna be on some train tracks.

Okay. Slut? I have to say slut?

I can't just say, "End of the line"?

Will you just say it?
Let me hear you say it.

End of the line, slut.

- You got it.
- Got it.

Then I pull out my tablet,
show her the video,

fucking checkmate.

Let me hear you say it.

Check-fucking-mate. Check-fucking-mate.

- Check-fucking-mate.
- Tell me that's not true.

- See what I'm saying.
- Boom!

Kids sneaking out here
to smoke marijuana?

Other drugs too.

Coke, pills, Molly.

With these trains zipping by?

Mm-mm. That's just an accident
waiting to happen.

Yes, that's what we were concerned with.

And if I may, putting work aside,

and while we're out here alone,

I must address my gin-soaked evening.

It's all really a blur.

And I am so embarrassed, really.

I don't know if I was dreaming,

but were you there too, Mr. Russell?

Yes, I was, briefly.

I just dropped by to have
a couple of drinks,

but wound up helping Gamby
take care of you.

Oh, B, it's okay. Don't be embarrassed.

Lord knows, I have been there before.

Well, thank you, Mr. Russell.

And thank you too, Mr. Gamby.

It is an ugly thing when I am on gin.

It's all...

I'm glad you were there to help me.

I really appreciate it.

Happy to help.

Now, Gamby, say it now.
Now, Gamby, say it.

End of the... End of the line...

So, anyway, new rule.

If a student gets caught
coming into the woods,

he gets one week in circle.

- Uh...
- Yeah, but like I was saying,

it's the end of the li...

And we could also put
some security cameras out here.

End of the line...

slut... slut.

I'm sor... Huh?

I'm sorry, I keep interrupting you.

What are you trying to say?

He said,

"End of the line, slut!"

This whole drug
thing? That was just a ruse.

This right here?

Right here.

Right... This right here.

This is why we brought you here.


Oh, Lord.


What... What the hell
is this, some Photoshops?

This is you, bitch, drunk on gin!

I'm peeing on your car!

What the hell y'all playing at here?

Your funeral, that's what.

Consider this the
last nail in your coffin,

our boot to your ass.

Your career as principal of North Jackson
High School is officially over.

We won, bitch. We fucked... you up!

I fucking spit in your coffee.

I stuck my foot through
your favorite painting.

We fucking burned
your fucking house down.

- I showed pornos...
- You burned my house down?!

Oh, goddamn it, Russell.

I'll kill your... fucking...

- No, no!
- Blackmail me!

- Gamby!
- You out of your goddamn mind!

- Who the fuck...
- Belinda!

- Belinda! Belinda!
- Black... mail me!

- Get off of me!
- No, Belinda!


Fucking call me a bitch?

- I'll show you a bitch!
- Belinda!

- Don't do this!
- Get your bitch-ass off of me!

Now back up, Belinda.

It doesn't have to be like this, okay?

There's no reason to
get out of line here, okay?

Oh, you out of line, motherfucker.


Don't do it. Don't... Don't...
Belinda, don't do it.

Tell me what the fuck I need to do.

Okay, you got me.
Even-stevens. We're square.

Motherfucking square,
you burned my house down.

Okay, woman, I don't want to
do this, do you understand me?

But you're not really
leaving me much choice.

Ah, yeah, motherfucker, come on.


Okay? Okay?

Enough's enough, okay? We good?

Oof! Oh, shit.

Okay! Get off me!

Freeze! You fucking creature!

I got your shit!
Synced to all my devices!

You about to go viral on Web 2.0.

No! You cannot.

The fuck I can!

Or you can resign,

and we can keep this
our dirty little secret.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck... fuck!

You don't have to cry. You...

Why y'all doing this to me?

'Cause we want your
job, bitch. Why you think?

This isn't personal. This is business.

Now, you gonna quit or not?


I expect you to have your resignation

on the
superintendent's desk by tomorrow.

Or email it. You know,
whatever's easier.

Can you hand me my shoe?

This shoe?

Now go. Go on.

Make him trot.

Keep your leg on him.

Hey, man.

Hello, Ray.

Nice to see her out there riding again.

Yup. She's out there
doing what she loves again.

Out of death's way.

No thanks to you.

I tried.

At least I tried, man.

It's just a drag sometimes, you know?

What's a drag?

Being second place to you with Janelle.

I love that girl, man.

It's a real drag.

And I'm sorry I came on
so strong with the motocross.

I shouldn't have.

But I just wanted me and her to bond.

Truth be told, that's
what it all boils down to.

You know, I'm jealous of you, man.


Okay. Continue.

You're Janelle's dad.

I'm just some dude who married her mom.

She'll always love you more.

Look at her, she looks like you.

Got your last name,

got your blood coursing
through her veins, man.

I can't compete with that.

I just wanted one thin slice
of her that was mine.

That's it.

I... I don't know.

Maybe I ain't expressing myself right.

It's... hard to explain, you know?

Yeah, you are definitely babbling,

not really connecting
your thoughts together.

But, uh, I think I
understand what you're trying to say.

Well, she's a strong-willed girl.

Maybe we were both foolish to
think we could steer her through life.

Swift, you seen Dr. Brown this morning?

No, I haven't heard from her.

Actually, I haven't seen
her since yesterday.

Should we be worried?

Nah, I'm sure everything's okay.

Oh, uh,
Superintendent Haas called for you.

He said it's important.


So, she resigned as in she's
never coming back to Jackson?

Yes, that's correct, Martin.

Uh, Dr. Brown is gone for good.

She will never be back here again.

She left out of here like a thief
in the middle of the night.

Now, we don't know
if it's family problems.

We don't know if it's legal issues.

It's probably more
than likely substance abuse.

We just... We have no idea.

Obviously, this woman
had many dark secrets.

You know, unfortunate as it is,

we were working with a complete
and utter stranger.

Ladies, girl people up there
at the top. Please, yes, you.

Quiet down. I don't appreciate that.

I mean, this is crazy. I mean, right
after her house burns down?

I mean, these two things
have to be connected.

No, no, actually, they
don't have to be connected.

So, that's dumb. Don't say that.

Would you stop trying to be
Columbo and figure out all the crimes.

'Cause you don't know
anything that's going on, okay?

- This fucking guy.
- This fucking guy.

Look, it's what Lee said.

It's, uh, substance abuse.

In fact, I know that it's
substance abuse, so...

Next question, please.

Does this mean that one of you is
going to be taking over her job as principal?

A very good question, Ms. LeBlanc.

Uh, the truth is Superintendent Haas
has asked Mr. Gamby and myself

to come by his office later on today,

so I expect that we will know more then.

I mean, what's important now,
though, is not who's gonna be

- the leader and who's not the leader.
- Yeah.

What's important is to remain
calm and maintain order.

Because if the students sense for
a moment there's any turmoil,

well, then we're gonna have a
full-on shit show on our hands.

Yeah, that's true.

Bruce, don't be mad.
This is no one's fault, Bruce.

- Don't be mad at anybody.
- And also, you know what,

I just have to point out
Snodgrass is still talking

and I'm like, my mind is jumbled

because I'm like, "Aah,
will she ever stop talking?"

Uh, Ms. Snodgrass, can you
please have some respect.

Just for the sake of everyone here.

Neal! Hey!

Neal! Neal!

What the hell was that in there?

You just gonna call me
out like I'm a freshman?

Why are you being such a large asshole?

You said you wanted to chill out. I was
just giving you time to cool down.

Oh, oh, and that's your
version of cooling down?

I'm a cool breeze, okay?

Unlike you, that can't even return
a simple phone call or a text message.


I'm sorry. I just needed
some time to think.

When you got so mad about Bill Hayden,

I just... I don't know.

Well, you know what, I do know.

Because I've seen your true colors,

and maybe what
everyone's saying is true.

What is everybody saying?

Everybody's hollering about how you
and I aren't destined to be together,

'cause you're just a
lowly teacher, my subordinate,

and I'm a power player,
moving up in the ranks,

your mentor, supervisor, and boss.

Right now, I have to go to a meeting.

Upper brass type stuff,
you wouldn't get.

See you, teach. Get to class.

Well, here we are, Gamby.

The moment we've been waiting for.

I can't shake this weird feeling

that Brown is just hiding
behind the corner waiting to strike.

I thought she'd go out
with more of a bang.

What choice does she have?

The video would go viral so
fast, it'd be a fucking fatality move.

The bitch high-tailed it out
of town as fast as she could.

Now it comes down to you or I.

Yes, it does.

Lee, I want you to know that, uh...

no matter what they decide in here,

I'm gonna be okay. Even if it's you.

I think you'd make
a damn good principal.

You really think so?

I didn't always, but...

everything we've been through, yeah.

I think you got what it takes.

Gamby, that really means a lot to me.

You know, I'll never forget

my very first day at
North Jackson High School.

I was introduced to you by Welles,

and you had cafeteria
food all over your suit

from a food fight you had broken up.

And you said to me,
"The job is fruitless,

but I get it done."

And I thought,
"What a fucking dumb-ass."

But I must admit, Neal,

no matter how fruitless or
fucked up the situation is,

you get the job done.

I was wrong about you, friend.

It's been a pleasure.


Let's do it.

Two principals gone in one year.

It's unbelievable.

Well, these things
happen sometimes, sir.

No, they don't. This has never happened
before. That's my whole point.

Well, I guess,
Belinda Brown just, you know,

wasn't the right person
for the job, unfortunately.

I should have known something was off
when those textbooks went missing.

Big red flag like that and I missed it.

Guess who looks like
a horse's ass now, huh?

Oh, no, no. You don't look
like a horse's ass at all.

You know what they say
about the past, though,

you just shouldn't live in it.
Gotta focus on the future.


Anyway, I'm gonna be relying on the two
of you to help get us through this.

Anything that we can do to help, Jeremy.

North Jackson needs both of you.

That's why I'm asking you to serve

as co-interim principals,

share the office while
we sort this whole mess out.

That all right? Can you handle that?

So you're saying that
we're both principals?

Well, yeah. I mean, is
that gonna be a problem?

Oh, absolutely not, sir, no.

That's no... There's no
problem there whatsoever.

Are we allowed to say
that we're principals

instead of co-interim principals?

Just when we're talking
to our friends or family.

Yeah, yeah, of course, Yeah, whatever.

Sure. Yeah, for now.

Been a dark year for North
Jackson High School.

A dark year. Like, storm
clouds gathering.

- Like it's been crazy dark.
- Whew.

I hated this year. It sucked.

- Surprise!
- Goddammit!

- Whoa, Neal.
- Fuck, Ray.

Jesus. Uh-oh. Bad news again?

No, sweetheart. No bad news.

Such good news, in fact,
that I can overlook Ray's idiocy.

The title is official.

Principal Neal Gamby.

- Whoo!
- That's amazing!

Great, great.

Hey, you worked hard, you deserve it.

And I made you a little
something in my shop.

Wow. You made this?

Mm-hmm. For you.
Since you're principal.

Wow. It's got my name
on it and everything.

I mean, I'm not really sure how
I will use this as principal,

but I appreciate it.

But seriously,
congratulations on the job.

You know, I'm just... I'm really
glad that it worked out for you this time.

You know what? Tonight, I will
accept that backhanded compliment, Gale.

It means a lot. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

You know what, I
could open you up with this.

But I'm not,
because I'm a principal now.

Janelle, I have a present for you, too.

I was gonna give it to you tomorrow,

but since you guys are
here, why not now, huh?

Follow me to the garage.

What's this?

What do you think it is?
It's your new bike.

Wait, what?

- For me?
- For you.

Even though I know it will push
you back into the arms of Ray,

and it makes me shake my head,

I want you to pursue your dreams.

You just gonna stand here
or are you gonna ride it?

Not without a helmet.

She has to wear a helmet.

- Listen to your mom.
- Seriously?

- Have to have a helmet.
- Seriously.

Oh my God, they updated it.

They updated it.


Oh, they picked the worst picture of me.

I look all bloated like Gamby.

Look at my double chin.

Stop it. You look fine.

Be happy.

I am happy, Christine.

I'm over the moon.

Where's Mi-Cha?

I wanna shove this in her face.

I already told her the good news.

- Did she lose her shit?
- She didn't say anything.

She just went in her room and
shut the door. Been in there all day.

Love it.


- Ah...
- Whew.

That feels good.

Thus begins a new age
for North Jackson High,

one of peace and prosperity,

one that history will
look back upon with reverence.

Yes, it will.

But I gotta say, Gamby.

None of this would be possible
without some of the evil shit you pulled.

You are a true black heart, my friend.

Well, it was a group effort.
I didn't do everything.

Yeah, but you did a lot.

You did some low-down dirty moves.

Vandalizing the school,
burning her house down.

Not just me.

Bonding with her as a single parent.

Finding out that gin was her
weakness and using that gin against her?

Fucking bravo, Gamby.

Well, your tone is actually making
me feel a little weird about things.

Look, I didn't do anything
worse than what you did.

I'm just saying you
fucked her up real good is all.

Why don't you take a compliment, God.

I'm saying it's a compliment
that you and I both should take.

- Fine. Whatever.
- Well, take it then.

Don't be acting like I'm
the one who did all the stuff.

You did stuff too.

Okay. You ready to remind this school
what the fuck it means to be a warrior?

I was born ready.

I pledge allegiance to the flag...

That's my dog!

Chocolate chip pancakes.

Whoa! Oh, shit!

Awesome. So interesting.

- So smart. So...
- Sorry to interrupt.

I would like a moment alone
with your teacher, if I may.

We'll pick this up though, guys, okay?

I heard the news. Congratulations.

Yeah, it's a pretty big responsibility,

but it's also an honor.

I'm really happy for you.

Amanda, I just wanted to say I'm sorry

for the stuff I said to you
about you being less than me,

us coming from different worlds,

you being loose. Loose?

I just said that stuff
because I was jealous.

I was insanely jealous that a guy like
Bill Hayden got to be with you.

Got to kiss you and hold
you and lay naked next to you.

Probably fondle and suck up on your t...

Okay. Yup. I get it.

Neal, you were jealous. Okay.

I know that I'm not an easy
person to be around.

I have my fair share of issues,
but I'm working on it.

I'm trying to be better.

Well, you come off as a blowhard.

That's what everybody sees.

Except me.

I've seen a different you.

I saw someone that I might
even like to be with.

But now I'm confused.

I don't know. Was that a fluke moment?

Or was that the real you? I...

Amanda, that wasn't a fluke.

That was me, the real me.

And if you'll just give me another shot,

I promise, I'll show you
that side all the time.

I just want to be with you.

And as principal,
I'll guarantee that you

never have to work
seventh period ever again.

Keeping track of vacation days and sick

days, well, that will
no longer be an issue.

And when it comes time for
you to submit your budgets,

they'll always be approved.

I'll even fire Bill Hayden.

I'm just kidding.

I won't fire Bill Hayden. I
just said that just because...

I'm over it. I'm not jealous.

I think you should
fire him, though, seriously.

Okay, well, good, because I wanted to.

Fuck Bill Hayden. He's a
history teacher, and now he's history.

Oh, Mr. Gamby, there you are!

Goddammit, Swift.

I... I'm... I'm... I'm very sorry,

but it's an emergency. You need to come.

- An emergency?
- Yeah, it's pretty bad, so...

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.


This better be good, Swift.

My car!

I told you it was bad.

What the fuck are you doing
Swift? Call 9-1-1!

Okay, okay!

Oh, shit.

Russell to the faculty parking lot!

I'm busy, Gamby.

Our cars are on fire!

- What?!
- She got us!

The bitch fucking got us!

Jesus Christ!

Shit! Fuck!

Nice try, buddy. Go inside
and get some help!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

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