Vice Principals (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript

There are four pieces.

Winter Concert is this week.

And of course, Brown is relying on me

to practically run the whole thing.

Is that why you're
picking up her dry cleaning?

I'm in charge of more than just this.

I have real
responsibilities. You know that, Christine.

You mind your own fuckin' business.

Isn't this her assistant's job?

It's called being a good person.

Maybe you should try it sometimes...



...instead of kissing
doctors' asses all day.

It's the hospital. Meet me outside.

Bitch boy.

Not another fucking word out of you.

Bitch boy, bitch boy, bitch boy...

Uh, can you please just put
this on debit, please?

- Bitch boy!
- What's she calling you? "Beach boy"?

Nothing! Can I please
get a receipt, please?

- Bitchy boy!
- Oh.

- Just...
- Bitch boy, bitch boy, bitch boy!

Bitch boy!

Bitchy boy... Aah!

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You know how sharks make babies?



The spray the water like,
skeet, skeet, skeet!

- Yes! Skeet, skeet, skeet!
- Mm! Y'all is crazy.

Skeet!

You know, I'm happy as shit, Belinda.

Thank you.

Well, the boys sure did miss you.

Wish I could turn the clock back a year,

to when shit was like this for real.

Well, I wish a lot of things.

Sometimes we take what we can get.

You honestly gonna act
like you ain't having fun?

Me, the boys, fish.

I'm having a little bit of fun.

Whoa. I can't believe
you let me fuck you in a bus.

Hey.

Can you imagine if we
got caught doing that?

- We'd lose our jobs.
- Well...

- Motherfucker.
- ...you'd better play it cool then.

- You better play it cool.
- Mr. Gamby! There you are.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

We have a Code 13 in the auditorium!

Who the hell Code-13s at
ten o'clock in the morning?

Strombone!

Get down from there, right now!

- Jesus!
- How the hell did this happen?

The whole group of 'em,
right there, is drunk!

Hey, idiots! I fail
to see what's funny here.

Hey!

I don't want to see
anyone's goddamn teeth.

You understand? Zip
the lips, purse them now.

- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit. Great.

This is why you don't drink
Icehouse at band practice.

Mmm.

Hope you all are proud of yourselves.

Jason Strombone is
in the emergency room.

Because of your poor choices,

none of you will be
participating in the Winter Concert.

I'm first chair. My
grandparents are coming in from out of town.

Mr. Gamby's going easy on you.

If it were up to me, I'd
kick all of y'all out of school.

I have zero tolerance for drinking.

You know why I got that Tanqueray
tattooed on my back?

Because you like gin?

No. Because me and gin don't get along.

I had a problem
since my first sip at 13.

Kept sipping too. Made
me a whole different person.

Shit got me turked up!

Put me in beast mode.

Take a sip Friday evening in Philly,

I'd wake up Monday morning in Arkansas,

all bit up by chiggers,
no... no memory of how I got there.

But thankfully,

my life took a positive turn

and I was blessed with two fine sons.

And I guess that made me
realize what I had to lose.

And that, Miss Missy, is why
I put that tattoo on my back.

Because the
drinking, that's behind me now.

And I want y'all to put
it behind y'all too.

Am I clear?

One week, ISS circle.

No Winter Concert, and, of course,

all of y'all parents
are gonna hear from me.

I'm sorry for
interfering back there, Mr. Gamby.

I just have strong opinions
on the matter.

No, no, no worries. Uh, I appreciate it.

I... I respected the fact that
you related it to your own struggles.

Kudrows.

Mr. Gamby?

How would you like to be
vice principal, by yourself?

We'd create the position Chief
Accountability Officer for you.

You'd receive a
substantial increase in salary as well.

We'd run North Jackson
High School as equals.

What about Mr. Russell?

From what I hear, you
two don't get along already.

You wouldn't shed a tear
if he was gone, now would you?

No. I mean, I don't care
for that man one bit, so...

That man ain't even
a snake in the grass.

Damn worm in the dirt. Look at him.

Hey, B! I got your, uh, your coffee

and your... Move...
And your dry cleaning.

Just go put 'em in my office.

Yeah?

- Bitch.
- Okay.

- Okay!
- Did you just call him a bitch?

- He act like a bitch, walk like a bitch.
- Whew.

Mm. Yeah, look at his pants.

- Bitch.
- I'd never wear pants like that.

You better not. I'd call you a bitch.

So what did she say about
me? She talk shit?

No, she was mainly just talking
about herself, you know?

Just being boastful,
cocky, braggadocious,

you know, just
showing hubris. What's that?

It's a fucking spy pen is what it is.

You see this right here?
There's a little camera inside there.

Next time she starts
running her mouth, talking shit,

I'm gonna get it all on video,

publish it online,

let the court of
public opinion do the rest.

Jeez, man, listen to yourself,
talking about spy pens

and court of public opinion.

I mean, you're grasping
at straws, Russell.

You're being a bitch.

All my hopes and dreams
on a fucking pen.

I'm just at a loss here.

Every single thing we throw
at this woman fails.

My fucking family is retarded.

Brown treats me like
a house slave. I just...

I just can't exist like this.

Russell, are you crying?

No! I'm not fucking crying.

God! Gamby, you wish.

Well, you know, as much as
I'd like to commiserate with you,

I got a hot date. I'm going
out with Snodgrass and my daughter.

Fine, great!
Snodgrass and your daughter.

Go empty your balls.

Don't worry about anything
but your erection.

Russell, how many times
do I have to tell you this?

I do not like when you talk
about my private parts, okay?

Please don't do it again.

I'm really going to have to do

the whole pen-blackmail
thing all by myself?

The mission is always
my top concern, okay?

Just because I have a girlfriend and
things are finally going in my favor,

that doesn't change anything.

I'll see you, Lee. Okay?

Oh. Oh my God.

You're lucky it's only cosmetic damage.

You know, I think there's a valuable
lesson to be learned here.

My daddy always said, if
you fall, you can't quit.

You gotta get right back on the horse.

On the horse? How dare
you mention horses

when you forced us to sell Shadowfax?

What? No.

Hey, I didn't make anyone sell anything.

That is not fair, Neal.

You know what? I don't give a... fuck

about what's fair and what's not fair,

'cause I'm gonna tell you right now,
there is no more motorcycles.

I don't want to hear either of you

trying to talk her into
that... shit. You hear me?

Not another... fuckin' word.

If you want someone to
sever their spinal cord

and get killed, then
put Gale on the motorcycle.

Not my daughter!

From now on, she's doing what I say

because I won. Conversation over.

This is Janelle's choice, not yours.

Janelle, tell these people.

Do you want to ride motorcycles

and potentially split your face open,

have your guts and blood
all over the dusty ground,

sit in a wheelchair and roll around
for the rest of your life,

having everyone look at you
and feel sorry for you...

Baby, it's okay. You can
tell him the truth, sweetheart.

Speak from your heart.

I don't want to do motocross anymore.

I... I'm just not good at it.

- Baby.
- Of course you're not, sweetheart.

You suck at it. Let's go.

Have another glass of wine,
Gale. Numb yourself.

I have a headache.

- Yeah!
- There you go!

Whoa! Yeah!

You know, I'm having so much fun.

Honestly, I haven't been
this happy in a long, long time.

Me too. I like this version of you.

You should be this more often.

Tell me, what's
your take on Lee Russell?

Mr. Russell at school? He's okay.

Some people would say that
the school would run a lot better

if he wasn't around.

I don't really have an opinion.

Our paths don't cross. And I
thought you guys were friends?

Not friends. We're colleagues,
yes, of course.

You know? Nothing more, nothing less.

No loyalty. We don't
owe each other anything.

Okay.

But your day-to-day wouldn't change
if Lee Russell wasn't around?

Nope. Not one bit.

- Good to know.
- Yeah.

Janelle? Janelle,
don't do it. Janelle...

- No.
- ...don't... Janelle! Goddamn it!

Janelle! Jeez!

Thank You for this food
we are about to receive

and thank you for this day

and bless these men at this table.

- Amen.
- Amen.

So, Dascious,

school is having a winter concert,

and I was thinking
if you're still around,

maybe we could go to Olive
Garden afterwards

and try those never-ending pasta balls.

Hmm. Actually...

Belinda, me and the boys
wanted to talk to you about something.

- You and the boys?
- Well, yeah, you know, we...

we been discussing some stuff.

And, well, there's something
we wanted to discuss with you.

Well, what y'all want to tell me?

We don't want to live here no more.

We don't want to live in this hotel.

We been through this already, boys.

This arrangement is just temporary.

Yeah, but you been telling them that
for a few months now, Belinda,

and ain't nothing change. I mean,
they been through enough.

It's time for them to go back to Philly.

You have no idea
what they've been through.

'Cause your ass just got here.

He is right, Mama. We really
do want to go back to Philly.

Yeah, Mama. Can we?

Y'all want to go back to Philly?

- Then go.
- For real?

Yes, for real.

If it's that important to you

that you want to leave your mama

for some Johnny Come
Lately, then I don't want you here.

See, now this ain't got
to turn ugly, Belinda. Damn.

No, I'm being straight up.

They can pack their shit
and go, as far as I'm concerned.

Be careful what you say now.

You want me to say it again?

'Cause I can say it slowly.

Pack yo...

shit.

She gets along great with Janelle.

I'm not trying to jinx anything,

but I think I may have
found my soul mate.

So she is a freak in the sack then, huh?

Dayshaun, gentlemen never kiss and tell,

but in a word, yes.

I knew she was a freak,
man. You can see it in her eyes...

You should take a picture.
It'll last longer.

Great joke. It's just shocking
to see you alone.

Well, I'm not alone.
I'm sitting here conversing

with my friend and subordinate.

Dayshaun doesn't count. I'm
talking about your little friend Amanda.

What's the deal? Are you guys officially
dating, or what is it?

Look, don't do this, all right?
Don't embarrass yourself.

Oh, okay, I get it.
You can openly date her,

but what was I? I was,
like, your secret shame?

It's apples and oranges, baby.

I mean, you know she's just
dating you to get back at Bill, right?

Bullshit.

Are you blind, Gamby?

They were fucking
and he broke up with her

because she was no good at it,

and so she started
dating you to piss him off.

Bill Hayden fucked my girlfriend?

Yeah.

The greatest rivalry in American history

has to be between Alexander Hamilton,
former treasure secretary,

and Vice President Aaron Burr. Okay?

Mr. Gamby, can I... What?

- Hmm.
- Hey.

Ooh. What does that face mean?

Bill Hayden, right now.
What's the history?

- Uh...
- Get the fuck out of here.

What the fuck are
you talking about, Neal?

I don't like how
you're coming at me right now.

You know what I'm talking about.

Did you or did you not make love to him?

Were you not lovers with Bill Hayden?

Uh, are you asking if
me and Bill Hayden fucked?

Because, yeah, we did. Is that
what you wanted to know?

Yes, it's what I wanted to know, but I

didn't want you to be
all cavalier about it.

Is this what you do? You just mess
around with different people,

just to get off on your jollies?

No. I slept with Bill.

I didn't quiz you about your history.

I mean, I'm sure
you've had sex before, huh?

I mean, clearly anybody
who's good at sex

has sex with different people
and has a history.

So don't be acting like you're
the only person who's fucked people.

- I let Jen Abbott suck my dick.
- What?

Yeah, in the supply closet,
so we're the same.

This is not how you communicate
with people, Neal.

- What are you, 12?
- You can fuck Bill Hayden,

but I can't let Jen Abbott
suck upon my penis?

Not that we were having this conversation,
but it's disgusting.

I don't even want to
look at you right now.

Well, fine. I don't want to
look at you right now either.

So I'll just see you tonight
at the Winter Concert.

I'll come pick you up.

How about we do our
own thing tonight, okay?

I think we need some time to cool off.

- Are you dumping me?
- Jesus!

Grow up, Neal, and stop acting insane.

Fuck.

Mr. Gamby, have you put any thought
into what we discussed?

I thought about it,
but I haven't decided yet.

Remember, Gamby,
Chief Accountability Officer

doesn't have to wear orange
vests or direct bus traffic.

Lee, why don't you help
Mi-Cha with the dishes?

She looks overwhelmed.

Play with your toy later.

This is my work, Christine!

Fuck it! Fine!

Doesn't she know we have a dishwasher?

Move! Caw! Caw! Caw!

What is up with you?

You've been so on edge
lately, sitting around, gaining weight

and barking at people.

Gaining weight?

If this is about my mom
moving in, I know it's been tough,

but I need you to make
more of an effort.

This is not about your mom, Christine.

This is about me, being a man,

getting the goddamn respect
that I deserve.

I have been pulling
double shifts at the hospital,

and I can't handle
all of this by myself.

I need you to step up.

So I guess my job means nothing.

I'll bet you'd both be
real sorry if I killed myself,

wouldn't you? Huh?

Why are you saying that?

No reason.

Move. Move!

Gamby? What are you doing here?

Can we talk?

Hey, go say goodbye to your mom. Go on.

Mama, you still mad?

We won't go if you still mad.

Just answer the phone
when I call, that's all I ask.

You're not gonna cry or nothin'?

There ain't nothing to cry about.

Look, I love y'all.

But if you don't want to be with me,

I don't want to be with you either.

Come on, hug your mama.

Go.

I did not think it was possible
for you to fuck this family up

more than you already have.

This ain't about me. It's about them.

You're a low-down son of a bitch.

You know what? That's all right.

I ain't mad at you.

Ha! That's funny, right?

Hey, open this door, Goddamn it.

Y'all think this shit funny? All right.

Open the door! Shit!

Snodgrass broke up with me.

Or maybe I broke up with her,

or maybe this is just our first fight.

I don't even know. It got so
fucking confusing in those final moments.

Is it because of the whole
Bill Hayden thing?

You knew about that?

Everybody knew about that.
It's common knowledge.

Common knowledge? I
didn't know about it.

I'm sitting there getting played

and you didn't even tell me?

You had me walking around
like I was hot shit

and meanwhile, I'm getting
Bill Hayden's sloppy seconds.

Are you really going to make
a big deal out of this?

You know what? Fuck
you! I came over here

because I have a very important
decision to make,

and you've just made it a lot easier.

Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

You're supposed to have my back.

I thought you were my fucking friend.

Gamby, don't go.

I didn't think to tell you because...

because I'm a self-absorbed person

who doesn't think about other people.

I've never had to be loyal
to someone before.

But you're right. You've always
been a man of your word with me.

And I should have told you that your
pussy was being tampered with, Gamby.

I should have been more honest with you.

I'm sorry.

Damn it.

Well...

I appreciate your telling me that.

The truth is that I haven't
been 100% honest with you, Russell.

Yesterday, Belinda offered me
to be her second in command

with a brand-new title...
Chief Accountability Officer.

What about me?

Russell, she's going to fire you.

What did you tell her?

I didn't say anything. You know.

I'll admit, in the
moment, I was definitely tempted.

Now that I see that our
friendship does mean something to you,

it's simple. The answer is no.

Fuck it.

Gamby, maybe you should
just take her up on it.

Honestly, I'm... I'm of no use to you.

We gave it a good run...

but our mission failed.

The bitch won, Gamby.

The bitch hasn't won.

Not yet.

Let's finish what we started.

Wait here.

- What's up with you?
- What the...?

Why you creepin'?

I was trying to be respectful
of the performance.

Do you want to say something?

Yeah. I was just gonna...

talk to you about the offer
that you made me earlier.

I didn't know if maybe
after this you wanted to go

and... grab a bite or
something, talk about it?

- Hmm.
- My treat.

Well, here we go. To Brown and Gamby,

partners in leadership.

It sucks for Mr. Russell, but, oh, well.

I don't drink.

Not even on a special occasion?

They're gone, Mr. Gamby.

Who's gone?

My babies.

I was willing to do
whatever it took to beat that man.

I mean, I moved my boys
away from their home

and their school, their friends.

I even had them living in a hotel

so he wouldn't have them.

But now look... They gone

and I'm all alone.

And I deserve every bit of it.

It's okay. Now, come
on. There, there. Shh.

I'm sorry.

I'm crying like a baby.

Maybe I will have that drink.

I damn sure could use one.

You know what? Actually,
there is gin in this,

so maybe I should get you
something else to drink. How about that?

Oh, no, if it got
gin in it, give it to me.

- Mmm!
- It's a double, so...

Ooh, yeah.

That's gin, all right. Mmm!

Okay.

Wow, you're pretty thirsty.

Ooh... Whoo!

Sweet baby Jesus.

That brings back a flood of memories.

Ooh, Lord! I'm gonna go get a refill.

- You want some?
- No, no, I'm fine.

- I don't need anymore.
- Whoo!

Let me get a shot of Tanqueray.

All right. Whoo!

Whoo! Shit!

Ah! Come on, come on!

Preachy-ass bartender.

Punch the smug motherfucker in his face.

Maybe we should just
slow this down a little bit.

Big day at work tomorrow,
so don't want to...

Mmm!

What are you doing?

I gotta get up here...

Give me one of them smokes.

Little draft there.

Gamby, did you just touch my ass?

No, it's just the skirt was hanging...

Mr. Gamby, I didn't know
you liked coffee in your cream.

Bet you $20 I could eat
a pool ball like an apple.

What?

I'm invincible, bitch!

Mmm!

It's okay, it's okay.

Got my dancin' shoes.

♪ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ I wanna feel the heat
with somebody... ♪

Damn!

- Mmm!
- Are you okay?

It's like Spin magazine... Motherfucker.

I think we should probably
settle up the tab.

I think you've had enough tonight.

No, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

When I get back, shit gonna
get real, Mr. Gamby.

Whoo! Goddamn! I got to piss!

Shit.

Anything good?

- Russell, I need your help.
- Why? What's going on?

We've uncorked a monster, Russell.

No! What in the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to suck your dick, faggot!

- I'm not a faggot!
- Oh, shit.

We're coming your way, Russell.

Damn it! Get your hands...

Get fuckin' hands off of me!

Fuck you, motherfucker!

I don't give a damn how big you are!

- We're going, we're going...
- Fuck you!

Fuck you, motherfucker!

Here's your jacket.

What the fuck you lookin' at?

She's gotten some bad news today.

You ain't got to make
no goddamn excuses for me.

Shit, I don't owe them nothin'!

What the fuck is going on around here?

Oh! Whew!

Goddamn.

Oh, motherfucker bitch ass.

- Is that you?
- No, no, it's not me.

No, I'm a ghost. I'm not here.

Ooh, I'm not... I'm not even here.

I want to dance.

I feel like dancing tonight!

Come on, y'all! Yeah!

Let's get this crunk up in here!

- Get it all up in!
- Yeah!

Get it all up... Hey, you thirsty, baby?

- Yeah. Goddamn.
- Here you go.

OM-fucking-G.

What the fuck you looking at?

She is fucking wasted.

Get the footage.

This ain't even
Tanqueray, but shit, this'll do it.

Goddamn!

Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah!

Get down. Bounce it, baby.

What the fuck y'all looking at?

Keep walkin'! Keep walkin'.

Is this real? What... is this
a weave or what is this?

This is a cold-ass weave. Bitch!

Don't side-eye me.
I will fuck your man.

She'll fuck his man.

Let's turn this motherfucker out!

Don't be scared.

You like it. I see you.

She just freaked you. She freaked him.

I been drinkin'! I been smokin'!

Yeah, yeah, go down.
Go... go down low. Get low.

Russell, Russell!
Don't do that. Don't do that.

Hey, hey, Belinda? Hey, look at this.

You know what's going on?
What's wrong over here?

There is something wrong
with this police car, B.

Oh my God, I don't feel any pee on it.

- Russell!
- You gotta pee on this.

- Oh, right.
- Fuck the Po-po.

Fuck you!

You motherfuckin' pigs!

Pee on your motherfuckin' car.

Right fucking now!

Jesus Christ.

You're awesome.

- Oh, shit.
- Russell, help her. Help her.

That bitch should not drink gin.

No shit.

Ahh!

- Get your hands off of me!
- No! Stop it!

You need to take a bath!

Hello, you've reached Neal Gamby.

Please leave a message
with your phone number...

- Goddamn it!
- No!

Come on!

Ahh!

Get the fuck out...

Take a bath!

- Get out of here!
- Take a bath!

Turn the cold water on and go to sleep!

The fucking... Oh!

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