Veronica Mars (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 11 - Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves - full transcript
Veronica helps a friend to find the girl he thinks is the one, which he had but lost. But finding her only leads to trouble.
- Are you gonna eat that?
- This?
- Yeah. That fry in particular.
- That was the plan.
I'm just saying, if you weren't or
if you were just gonna consume it...
...out of obligation or to meet
someone else's expectations...
...I know someone who might be
willing to take it off your hands.
Maybe add a little ketchup,
make it worth a girl's while?
- You're welcome.
- Well, I'm off to Astronomy.
You see the Lampoon, yet?
Enjoy.
Don't tell me they actually wrote
something funny in there.
Better. The Hearst Lampoon offices
got egged the night...
...after Dean O'Dell
reinstated the Greeks.
See, that's where the egg
was launched at the Pi Sig party...
...by unknown persons.
Read the Lilith House girls.
I can't believe how dumb these
people are, you know?
They're mad at the dean,
so they egg his window.
Like he's the one
who has to clean it up.
The dean's window? It doesn't
mention the dean's window.
That night,
they egged the Dean's office too.
I don't know why they didn't
put that in there.
Maybe couldn't find a way
to make it funny.
He was a good guy, the dean,
you know?
It's a damn shame.
I filled out the request form
a week ago.
Got it.
Somebody filed it under D.
Mr. Mars requested the report
on Cyrus O'Dell's suicide.
- You know you're not sheriff anymore?
- Just an interested citizen.
It's public record, sheriff.
He filled out the form.
Always looking for a crime
where there isn't one.
- You need a new hobby, Keith.
- Oh, I don't know.
I find solving
an investigation very relaxing.
- You should give it a try sometime.
- Yeah, I'll get right on that.
- Veronica. Hey.
- Sir-Cheats-a-Lot.
- How's business?
- Booming.
No one wants to do his own work.
I've brought in employees.
Question, does your team provide
study guides for ethics exams?
Every day.
The irony has kind of faded
over time.
So my own question, is it true you're
like a junior private investigator?
Because if it's true,
A, that's really cool...
You just wanna use me for my skills.
Pay me for my time and effort.
Do I have an option of using
your skills and not paying?
Friends and family plan.
Unfortunately, you're neither.
Then I guess I'll pay.
Here's the deal.
The woman I love
is getting married next week.
I have no idea where or to who.
I don't know her address
or phone number.
I don't know even her last name.
If you don't find her, I'm taking a bath
with my blow dryer.
So we're straight, this girl you love,
you don't know where she lives...
...who she's marrying or,
if I understand correctly, her name.
- I know her first name.
- A triumph.
She's from Poughkeepsie.
She mentioned that.
How do I put this delicately?
- Does she know who you are?
- Yes.
We met at this convention thing.
We got to talking. We hit it off.
We ended up staying up all night
in my hotel room talking about...
...you know, life, the big picture.
We connected on some higher plane.
Last names, at that point,
seemed trivial.
What was the convention?
Is there actually a fake term paper
and stolen test provider union?
It was Comic-Con.
You didn't get all sweaty in your
Wookie suit, did you?
Yuck it up. It's not all Trekkies
and Star Wars nerds.
I was there because Dave Gibbons
has a new graphic novel...
...that he scripted as well as drew.
- Sounds cooler now.
So about the one that got away.
She was dressed as a Cylon
and you only knew her as Six, right?
Her name is Chelsea and she was
in regular clothes.
And yeah, after the Dave Gibbons
thing...
...I may have drifted into
the Battlestar Galactica session...
...and yeah,
that's where we met.
Okay, we started out talking about
how the Cylon Raiders on BSG...
...Iook like Batman's car
when it turns into a plane.
But then we started talking about our
crappy relationships with our parents...
...and Chuck Klosterman
and moral grayness.
How when you see a plastic bag
flying around...
...there's so much beauty in the world
you can't take it?
- You get the picture.
- I do.
Connection. Higher plane.
Then you frakked.
No. But sex was hardly the point.
What we had was better.
I took her to the airport.
We were running late...
...she said she left me a note by
my bed with all her information on it.
By the time I got back to the room...
...housekeeping had been there
and the note was gone.
- Are you sure she actually left it?
- Positive.
So how do you know she's...?
A few days ago, she sent me
a text message.
Said that she was giving up waiting
for me to call.
Her and her ex were getting back
together and they're getting married.
So why am I here?
Because I've gotta stop her.
She's only marrying him
because I didn't call her back.
Well, if she sent you a text,
then you've got her number.
- Call her and explain.
- I've called a bunch of times.
Some guy answers,
says he's never heard of Chelsea.
Can I see the text?
I showed it to my roommate
and he accidentally erased it.
- I have the number it came from.
- Where?
Have a seat.
No, thanks. It's easier
to be nosey if I can mill about.
You know Mac and Parker?
This is their room.
- Who?
- Oh, this photo.
No. That's from
the around the world party.
That's my roommate Brian
and my friend Fred.
I think their room was supposed
to be Canada, but it was lame.
- Here. Here's the number.
- Let's give it a shot.
- Yeah?
- Hi, I'm sorry to bug you again.
But my friend is trying
to track down someone...
...who sent him a message
from this phone.
I told him. I don't know a Chelsea.
Yeah, but 845, can you tell me where
that area code is from?
- Goshen, New York.
- Is that near Poughkeepsie?
About 43 miles.
Is that where you are now? Maybe
someone borrowed your cell phone.
I didn't lend anyone my phone.
I'm not in Goshen.
I go to college out in California.
Really? Where?
It's this tiny West Coast liberal arts
college no one's ever heard of, Hearst.
Actually, I've heard of it.
Could you check your phone?
See if the text message
is still in your outbox?
I just got it last month. I haven't
quite learned the features yet.
Mind if I come check for myself?
- How are you gonna do that?
- Tell me where you are.
I'll handle the travel arrangements.
It's right here under messages.
You just scroll down to sent and bingo.
Here it is.
"Max, I don't know why
I haven't heard from you.
I guess I was wrong
about our night together."
- I didn't send that.
- When were you were back East?
Christmas.
Maybe you're out on the town.
A couple eggnogs to the wind.
Some sweet young thing asks
to borrow your...
Hot stuff coming through.
And he's carrying a tray of muffins.
I know you.
You're Max's roommate, aren't you?
Yeah. I'm Brian. Hey.
Brian? Really?
You look more like a Chelsea.
News? Already?
The glass-is-half-full version,
Chelsea is not getting married.
Are you serious?
Yeah, the half-empty version
is she's a hooker.
Brian and Fred, as demented
as this sounds...
...thought you'd have more confidence
with girls if you...
...Iost your virginity.
I'm gonna go kill my friends now,
so if you could just leave me a bill...
The impression I got, they thought
they were doing a good thing.
I'm sorry, but on what planet
am I a sexual charity case?
Like I haven't had opportunities?
I've had opportunities
but I have standards.
High standards.
Maybe that's why they picked her.
Because they could tell.
They didn't interview her, Max.
They weren't matchmaking.
They coached her.
They told her you were
a Battlestar fan.
They gave her the "So Say We AIl"
T-shirt she was wearing.
That line about the Cylon Raiders
looking like Batman's car?
They fed her that.
What about the text message?
When they saw you pining, they
wanted to find a way to put you out...
...of your misery without,
well, crushing you.
Brian found out a guy he works
with is from upstate New York.
He swiped his phone, sent you
a message as Chelsea saying goodbye.
So you'd get over her.
Can you still find her?
Yes, but she'll still be a prostitute.
I'm not stupid, Veronica.
Okay? We had something.
I know it. There are some things
you can't fake.
And there are some things women
are universally known for faking.
And this girl is a professional.
When I dropped her off at the airport,
she had tears in her eyes.
Are you sure she wasn't thinking
of the cab fare back?
Fine. Think what you want.
The job was to find her,
not tell me her occupation.
Are you gonna do it, or not?
He wants you to track her down?
You can't do this.
You're just fueling his fire.
He's obsessed.
He thinks she's the one.
She's the first girl to touch
where his bathing suit covers.
- Of course he thinks she's the one.
- Actually, she's not.
He wasn't a virgin?
We spend 500 each on a hooker
and he wasn't a virgin?
No, you spend 500 each
and he's still a virgin.
Okay, she better have done some
crazy, like, circus act.
They talked. And connected.
This is the worst moment of my life.
Well, he didn't say anything.
We figured he's one of those
gentleman guys...
...who doesn't talk about it.
Wait, is that why he wants you
to find her?
- He wants to sleep with her?
- No.
He probably does wanna sleep
with her.
Mainly, he thinks they have
a connection.
You definitely told him
she was a hooker?
I think he needs to see it for himself.
A little brutal truth.
So how did you find her?
A hooker search engine.
What will you boys come up
with next?
Chelsea. Chelsea. Chelsea.
And there she blows.
One Chelsea.
That explains why Chelsea
was into comic books.
- Chelsea's a dude.
- That's not her.
They change their working names
all the time.
Great. There are only
18,731 escorts...
...listed on the site.
Much as I'd like to peruse
their pages individually...
Try narrowing the search
by preference.
You know hair color, height,
bondage preferences.
- You know Max's preference?
- That's easy.
We just described Milla Jovovich
with a B cup.
And found one into role playing.
How very Weird Science.
Let's see.
It's like a ZAGAT guide for hookers.
How did people find sex before
there was an Internet?
Overall looks. We've got everything
from model material to triple bagger.
I can only assume...
- What's GFE?
- Girlfriend experience.
She has to be an experienced girlfriend?
It's the type of experience
you want.
You want it to be like she's your
girlfriend, it's a girlfriend experience.
If you wanna act like
you're into porn, it's a PSE...
...porn star experience.
Is there a reality experience,
where she reminds the guy...
...she's only there because
he's paying her?
Okay, boys.
Let's find that hooker.
From 18,000 down to two.
You're attention to detail
has served us well young Jedis.
So which blurry-faced,
fatherless girl is she?
Pink bikini maybe?
I don't know. I think the one
we picked had a longer torso.
I come home after a hard day
at work and there you are...
...Iounging, with your bonbons
and your Harper's Bazaar.
There better be freshly pressed shirts
in my closet, or so help me.
What? You got nothing?
- Maybe I'm not in the mood.
- Amuse me, damn it. Amuse me now.
I finally got the police report
On the dean's suicide
That needs work.
Did the report say about the dean's
office getting egged?
No. But then again, it looks like
it was done by a 10th-grader.
I swear it might as well have...
...heavy-metal band logos
sketched in the margins.
There are these girls
from Lilith House.
Activists with a real grudge
against the Greeks.
They hated the dean.
One of them, Nish, was the editor of
the newspaper, when O'Dell fired her...
...she swore he'd regret it.
They went on an egging spree
the night of his suicide.
Protesting him reinstating the Greeks.
You mind talking to them?
Yeah, I think I've dipped into
that well one too many times.
They're not big Veronica fans.
I think you're probably gonna have
to handle this one yourself.
If you go undercover as a student...
...no Daniel Boone jacket,
no peace signs...
...the times they have a-changed.
Will you be home for dinner?
No. I'm meeting two hookers
over at Logan's later.
- On a school night?
- Off-peak hours.
Save a few bucks.
- You're not really...?
- Fiona and Lizette.
They're a couple gals putting
themselves through college.
Man, quit bringing me down
with your bourgeois hang-ups.
Should we have gotten more
for the hookers?
As I understand it,
they prefer the term "escorts."
So have you ever been with one?
- An escort?
- Yeah.
- Do we really wanna go there?
- I guess we don't have to now.
That wasn't me answering
the question.
- It kind of was.
- No, it wasn't.
That was me knowing there's
a land mine...
...trying to figure
where to put my foot.
I guess you picked your spot.
Look, why not dispel
any romantic notions.
If we see each other warts and all,
and still like each other...
...that's a real connection.
Maybe I enjoy my romantic notions.
Maybe I don't care to see any warts.
Yours or mine.
I see you're smiling,
so I think it's all fun and safe.
But it's a slippery slope from "have you
ever been" to "how many and how often?"
So you've been with multiple hookers
on several occasions.
I'm not having this conversation.
Logan, Max, Max, Logan.
I didn't know she was a hooker
at the time.
No one's judging, man.
As you know, we are
looking for a new home.
And when we leave,
we shall be able to retain...
What? You think hookers are known
for their punctuality?
Where's your bathroom?
It's wrong that I'm nervous, right?
- Hey there. I'm Lizette.
- Hello.
- Welcome to my place.
- Thank you.
Oh, well, hey there to you too.
I'm totally up for it, guys, but
it's gonna cost extra, right?
That's not her.
Sorry, Lizette. Looks like
we're gonna have to reschedule.
Pay the girl, Max.
- lf we're paying her anyway...
- Honey?
Sorry.
I was looking for someone else.
I'll live.
This is just wasteful.
Hey there. I'm Fiona.
Chelsea.
Oh, my God.
Max, is that you?
Oh, my God.
This is nice. We should hang out
with your friends more.
So, Fiona, where are you from
originally?
Actually, this is a bit awkward
but my name is really Wendy.
Really? Wendy.
I like it.
You guys need a refill?
Or a room?
We're good. Thanks.
Sorry. I guess we're being
pretty rude. It's just...
...I never thought I'd see Max again.
I bet.
God, I was such a girl
when he dropped me off at the airport.
All misty and dramatic.
I missed the misty?
When he was leaving,
I felt this rush.
I thought about everything
that lead to that moment.
Like all the choices I made
that got me to that exact spot...
...at that exact time.
How if I'd made different ones
I could be with the sweet guy...
...who was dropping me off
at the airport, all teary-eyed.
I wasn't teary-eyed.
I hadn't slept much and, you know,
my eyes were...
Three-to-one Dick
forgot his key card again.
Takers?
- Madison?
- Oh, it's you.
So are you and Logan, like, dating
again or are you hotel staff?
Did someone order a PSE?
- Dick's not here.
- Hey, Logan.
- Hey.
- So, what are you kids up to tonight?
- Same old. Same old.
- Well, this looks like super fun...
...but I should probably go
do something that doesn't suck.
Don't party too hard, you guys.
- Friend of yours?
- No. Madison is pretty much...
...the physical embodiment
of all things I loathe.
If Dick starts dating her again,
you're gonna need...
...to get a different roommate.
Morning.
What you doing?
- Just getting dressed for work.
- Wait. You're missing something.
Now remember, when you rip
off the break-away pants...
...thrust your pelvis toward
the bachelorette. Okay?
It's her special day.
Claire Nordhouse?
Mind if I ask you a few questions?
I'm sorry. What is this about?
Just a few questions, ma'am.
Mind if I come in?
You're Fern Delgado?
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Just following up on some things
from the night Cyrus O'Dell died.
- The dean?
- Right. Dean O'Dell.
The night he died
someone egged his office.
- So that's a crime now?
- Always has been.
- So you did it?
- I didn't say that.
Well, I am. I'm saying you girls
egged the dean's office...
...the same night you were egging
the Lampoon...
...and other campus hotspots.
I'd like to ask
a few questions about it.
So, what, you think a few eggs,
and I'm not saying we threw them...
...made the dean up and kill himself?
Actually, we believe
the dean was murdered.
So what I think is that you guys were
in the area when this happened.
You were known to carry
a grudge against the man...
- Hold on. We didn't kill anyone.
- Who's we?
Who else was on this egg adventure?
- Just us.
- Just the two of you. No one else?
And Nish.
No. Nish was not with us
when we egged the dean's office.
She was with you when you egged
the Lampoon. Interesting.
So where was she?
When you were outside
throwing eggs at his window...
...where was your friend Nish?
Don't look at each other,
and don't you dare lie.
Where'd she go?
You'd rather talk at the station?
What, are you kidding?
Mr. Mars, is this some kind of a joke?
He's not a cop. He used to be.
He's a private eye.
Do you two ever watch the news?
Nish.
You were egging buildings the night
the dean died.
You weren't with them when
they egged the office.
- Where were you?
- First of all...
...I don't have to say anything...
...and second of all, I'm pretty sure
what you're doing right now is illegal.
But I'll tell you. I got nothing to hide.
I went around and egged
the dean's car.
- His car?
- That Volvo that he loved so much.
He says the dean was murdered.
I got your text.
I take it your connection with Wendy
has found an even higher plane?
I wanna hire you again.
Make Wendy disappear. I guess
she needs new ID. A new name.
Someone to close out
her old apartment...
Max, you think maybe
this is all too fast?
I'll admit, I was surprised she
seemed to be really fond of you but...
Veronica's gonna help us.
Oh, my God, thank you.
That's the thing about being
a working girl, easy to break into...
...not so easy to get out of.
It's not like I'm one of the big earners
but I have this client, a judge.
A judge. Which one?
- Kramer.
- No freaking way.
My dad busted him for taking bribes
and the old bastard still got re-elected.
He's the kinkiest out of all my clients.
No sex.
He just likes to sneak me
into his office at the courthouse.
All he wants to do is have tickle fights
and walk around in my shoes.
Well, you don't have to worry about
him stretching out your shoes anymore.
Whatever it costs.
Where's Wendy?
If you don't come back with me...
...and with $ 1000 for your time
last night...
...Mr. Happy Fists is gonna play
Connect the Bruises on me.
She's not going back.
We're getting you away from this.
Yeah, please, get her away from this...
...so I can get my ass kicked
a little more.
- Max, I have to go back.
- Let me talk to your pimp.
Explain things.
I have a head for business.
You'll end up with a head
for a hood ornament.
There's no other way, Max.
I have to go.
It was a great night, wasn't it?
Maybe my best night ever.
This was supposed to be
for paying you but it's 1000, right?
- Yeah. A thousand.
- We'll figure something out, okay?
Come on, Wendy. We gotta go.
- Is he still out there?
- He hasn't moved.
- That's it. I'm kicking him out.
- No. Let me talk to him.
You'll always have Comic-Con.
For what little it's worth,
I was totally wrong.
You and Wendy do have something.
You two are great together.
And I'm sorry.
And this just plain sucks.
That was my useless speech.
I will now busy myself
by bringing you a glass of water.
Max.
So? She wears makeup.
It's purple makeup.
The bruise was a fake.
You've been had. They duped you.
Nicki didn't get worked
over by her pimp.
She and Wendy just conned you
out of a grand.
That's crazy.
Crazy? She screws people
for money, Max.
That's what she does.
- I'm sorry. That was...
- No.
- I'm an idiot.
- You're not.
From where I stand,
Wendy is the idiot.
And now we must crush her.
How to make the happy hooker
not so happy?
Got it. Thanks.
Judge High Heels' home phone.
- This is a bad idea.
- It's blackmail.
It's the go-to idea.
In case of emergency,
break glass or blackmail.
Excuse me if I can't get jazzed
about my girlfriend extorting a judge.
Look, I'm not doing a back
handspring about it either.
But I'm getting Max
his $ 1000 back...
...and I'm taking away
Wendy's best client.
It works on so many levels.
You don't have to do this.
I'll use your cell phone. They won't
be able to trace the call back to me.
Judge Kramer? You don't know me,
but I know a lot about you.
No, really, I do.
I know you're a judge.
I know you have a weekly date
with a hooker at the courthouse...
...and that you have a proclivity
for high heels and tickling.
All I need is $ 1000 to keep quiet.
Get a locker
at the Neptune Bus Station.
Leave the money, call me with
the locker number and pass code.
You have 24 hours.
I guess I should get out
of you guys' hair.
Go mope around my dorm.
Thank you.
I can't believe I had to blackmail
a judge...
...just to get some alone time
with you.
You really don't have to work that hard.
Sure I do.
You know, if I were a hooker,
this snuggle would cost you.
- I'd gladly pay.
- Really?
For this?
Cash money.
But seriously, folks...
Have you?
What? Ever been with a hooker?
Why does it matter?
I just wanna know.
I assume the answer is yes.
Look at it as an opportunity for me
to show you how cool I can be.
Hooker, who cares?
Here's your chance to be cool.
Stop asking.
I just want to get to a place with you
where we can be really...
...intimate.
That's what the female
praying mantis says...
...before she bites
the male's head off.
I'm just saying, buried secrets tend
to surface when I'm around.
Think that's because of all the digging?
I'm giving you the chance right now
to come clean.
You tell all, I tell all,
we go from there.
Fine.
Ask away. Ask...
...anything you want.
- Have you ever been with a hooker?
- No.
Wanna ask me anything?
Have you ever been with a hooker?
No.
The night you were in Mexico
with Mercer...?
- Are you kidding me?
- How was he able to get back...
...to Neptune, commit a rape and
return to Mexico without you knowing?
I must've passed out.
It felt like a couple of minutes
but it could have been hours.
Maybe he drugged me or something.
Your question.
You can have my turn.
Where you with anyone
while we were broken up?
Land mine.
I fooled around with this horrible girl
who meant less than nothing to me...
...and I couldn't regret it more.
Thinking of it makes me ill.
So there. Presto. Intimacy.
Still love me?
Yes.
- Hello?
- Judge Kramer called.
He dropped off the money. Feel
like coming with me to pick it up?
The pick-up is the best part.
I'll meet you in 20 minutes.
Get in.
Okay. Look. Maybe calling the judge
wasn't a great idea...
...but one of your girls ripped off
my friend...
...and we were just getting
his money back.
So could you let us
out of the car now?
- Lesson learned.
- Not me. Her.
- Her?
- Me.
I'm the one who gets called when
one of my girls does something dumb.
- You mean, you're the...?
- I'm Wendy's agent.
I don't think this is street-legal.
- What's the voltage on this?
- Put it down, Happy.
Wait. There really is
a Mr. Happy Fists?
I thought that was
just colorful language.
Look. Wendy didn't do anything dumb.
Okay?
- I did. I called the judge.
- I don't think you did.
He said it was a girl's voice.
And Wendy has done a bunch
of dumb things.
She fell for a client.
She tried to leave me
without saying goodbye.
She told a client about the judge.
I'm sorry.
Did you say she fell for a client?
She asked out, but there's a problem,
you see.
Wendy owes me money.
Braces aren't cheap.
Tattoo removal isn't cheap.
Clothes and housing aren't cheap.
- Now, she could work it off.
- I'll pay.
You're a hell of a negotiator, Max.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ten grand.
And a promise that you never talk
to another one of my clients again.
And next time, I won't go
the makeup route with the bruises.
They're gonna be the real thing.
Max. Think about this.
Fine. Ten grand.
You wanna run me by my bank?
You just handed over a hundred $ 100 bills.
Yeah, I was there.
And what guarantee
do you have that...?
- That boy is smitten.
- Isn't he great?
Yeah. Pretty great.
So, what is the secret to making a guy
fall for you like that?
Dumb luck.
And interesting lingerie.
Never underestimate the power
of lingerie.
Yo, Veronica. I'm sorry,
I gotta tell somebody about this.
You're never gonna guess
what somebody tried to flush...
...down the commode
in the faculty lounge.
Hey. I know you.
Weevil, this is Wendy.
Fiona. Right? You used to dance
at the Electric Lady.
My buddy was a bouncer up there.
You must be thinking of someone else.
No. I don't think so.
You have a tattoo.
Red dragon, left cheek?
Am I right?
Weevil. You got the wrong girl.
Yeah, yeah. You're right.
Sorry about that.
See you around, V.
Man, you just love that report.
Your buddy Nish said specifically
that she egged the dean's Volvo.
But according to the report
the dean was driving a minivan.
That's the car they found
in the parking lot.
So Nish is lying?
Or maybe the dean's Volvo
was also there.
That's the car Mindy was driving
that night.
Maybe she paid a visit
to her husband.
Why wouldn't she mention that to you?
That's exactly what I'm wondering.
You okay?
Yeah. Why?
You've just been quiet.
That's all.
It's just, I have to have this
read by Tuesday.
Yeah. That's fine.
There was a dragon on your purse
the first time we met.
I guess you're a fan of dragons.
Yeah. I like dragons.
Stew-Pot warning.
He's sniffing around.
- Thanks.
- Who's Stew-Pot?
Stewart Potter. Our R.A.
I think he saw you with the bags.
- He can be a pain.
- Thanks for letting me hang out.
It'll just be a couple days.
I just need to find a place. Get a job.
I might actually know of a job.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's what we came
to see you about.
My brother's getting married
next Saturday.
The guy organizing his bachelor party
has this really uptight wife...
...so they didn't book a stripper.
We're scrambling to get someone.
Should be a good gig.
They're all, like, lawyers.
Hey. That's my girl you're talking to.
And I'm retired, actually.
Of course. Of course. I'm sorry.
I didn't know what the story was.
It's cool.
We can find somebody else.
You mind if I ask you a question?
Probably, but go ahead.
When I dropped you off
at the airport...
...and you said you left all your
information at the hotel...
...I got back and the room
was cleaned.
So I guess my question is...
...did you really leave it for me?
Was it really there?
No.
But I really wish I left it.
I think I'm gonna take a walk.
I haven't paid you yet.
I didn't want you to come collecting.
If it isn't the man of La Mancha.
How's tricks?
Sorry. I mean, things.
How are things?
Things? They suck.
Wendy left.
The upside,
I actually got a note this time.
She said it wasn't gonna work out.
You bought her out of prostitution
and she left you?
Please tell me you don't want me
to find her again.
No. I think she may be right.
She said... What'd she say...?
She said:
"The day we met was one
of the best days of my life.
I fell for you that day,
but you didn't know what I was then...
...and now you do.
And it shows in the way
you look at me.
It shows in the way you touch me.
But I'll never regret it.
You made me realize what I was
missing. Love, Wendy."
Ten thousand is a lot to pay
for a life lesson.
She's gonna pay me back as soon
as she can.
Max, please don't get your hopes up.
She already paid me 1000.
She made some good money last night.
Hope you don't mind getting your
money in vertically-folded singles.
Oh, Max.
I heard it from a pro.
Lingerie.
Maybe I should get into the spirit
of doing things normal girlfriends do.
I should make more of an effort
to please my man.
First comes sexy under-things.
Do you have the thigh-highs
with the seams up the back?
I think I saw some between the pasties
and the edible underwear.
You know, it's kind of smart of you
to raid the sale rack like that.
It's almost a waste for me to spend
all this money on something...
...that'll be ripped right off of me.
If you're trying to get Dick back...
...I don't think you have to work
that hard.
Seriously. A Hefty bag
and some duct tape...
...and he'd be good to go.
Dick? Please.
You came over. I figured...
Oh, Logan and I hooked up
in Aspen over the holidays.
I guess you two were split.
I was in town and thought he might
have some free time, but, oh, well.
Oh, and as a friend, he's not so big
on the one-piece numbers.
[ENGLISH]
- This?
- Yeah. That fry in particular.
- That was the plan.
I'm just saying, if you weren't or
if you were just gonna consume it...
...out of obligation or to meet
someone else's expectations...
...I know someone who might be
willing to take it off your hands.
Maybe add a little ketchup,
make it worth a girl's while?
- You're welcome.
- Well, I'm off to Astronomy.
You see the Lampoon, yet?
Enjoy.
Don't tell me they actually wrote
something funny in there.
Better. The Hearst Lampoon offices
got egged the night...
...after Dean O'Dell
reinstated the Greeks.
See, that's where the egg
was launched at the Pi Sig party...
...by unknown persons.
Read the Lilith House girls.
I can't believe how dumb these
people are, you know?
They're mad at the dean,
so they egg his window.
Like he's the one
who has to clean it up.
The dean's window? It doesn't
mention the dean's window.
That night,
they egged the Dean's office too.
I don't know why they didn't
put that in there.
Maybe couldn't find a way
to make it funny.
He was a good guy, the dean,
you know?
It's a damn shame.
I filled out the request form
a week ago.
Got it.
Somebody filed it under D.
Mr. Mars requested the report
on Cyrus O'Dell's suicide.
- You know you're not sheriff anymore?
- Just an interested citizen.
It's public record, sheriff.
He filled out the form.
Always looking for a crime
where there isn't one.
- You need a new hobby, Keith.
- Oh, I don't know.
I find solving
an investigation very relaxing.
- You should give it a try sometime.
- Yeah, I'll get right on that.
- Veronica. Hey.
- Sir-Cheats-a-Lot.
- How's business?
- Booming.
No one wants to do his own work.
I've brought in employees.
Question, does your team provide
study guides for ethics exams?
Every day.
The irony has kind of faded
over time.
So my own question, is it true you're
like a junior private investigator?
Because if it's true,
A, that's really cool...
You just wanna use me for my skills.
Pay me for my time and effort.
Do I have an option of using
your skills and not paying?
Friends and family plan.
Unfortunately, you're neither.
Then I guess I'll pay.
Here's the deal.
The woman I love
is getting married next week.
I have no idea where or to who.
I don't know her address
or phone number.
I don't know even her last name.
If you don't find her, I'm taking a bath
with my blow dryer.
So we're straight, this girl you love,
you don't know where she lives...
...who she's marrying or,
if I understand correctly, her name.
- I know her first name.
- A triumph.
She's from Poughkeepsie.
She mentioned that.
How do I put this delicately?
- Does she know who you are?
- Yes.
We met at this convention thing.
We got to talking. We hit it off.
We ended up staying up all night
in my hotel room talking about...
...you know, life, the big picture.
We connected on some higher plane.
Last names, at that point,
seemed trivial.
What was the convention?
Is there actually a fake term paper
and stolen test provider union?
It was Comic-Con.
You didn't get all sweaty in your
Wookie suit, did you?
Yuck it up. It's not all Trekkies
and Star Wars nerds.
I was there because Dave Gibbons
has a new graphic novel...
...that he scripted as well as drew.
- Sounds cooler now.
So about the one that got away.
She was dressed as a Cylon
and you only knew her as Six, right?
Her name is Chelsea and she was
in regular clothes.
And yeah, after the Dave Gibbons
thing...
...I may have drifted into
the Battlestar Galactica session...
...and yeah,
that's where we met.
Okay, we started out talking about
how the Cylon Raiders on BSG...
...Iook like Batman's car
when it turns into a plane.
But then we started talking about our
crappy relationships with our parents...
...and Chuck Klosterman
and moral grayness.
How when you see a plastic bag
flying around...
...there's so much beauty in the world
you can't take it?
- You get the picture.
- I do.
Connection. Higher plane.
Then you frakked.
No. But sex was hardly the point.
What we had was better.
I took her to the airport.
We were running late...
...she said she left me a note by
my bed with all her information on it.
By the time I got back to the room...
...housekeeping had been there
and the note was gone.
- Are you sure she actually left it?
- Positive.
So how do you know she's...?
A few days ago, she sent me
a text message.
Said that she was giving up waiting
for me to call.
Her and her ex were getting back
together and they're getting married.
So why am I here?
Because I've gotta stop her.
She's only marrying him
because I didn't call her back.
Well, if she sent you a text,
then you've got her number.
- Call her and explain.
- I've called a bunch of times.
Some guy answers,
says he's never heard of Chelsea.
Can I see the text?
I showed it to my roommate
and he accidentally erased it.
- I have the number it came from.
- Where?
Have a seat.
No, thanks. It's easier
to be nosey if I can mill about.
You know Mac and Parker?
This is their room.
- Who?
- Oh, this photo.
No. That's from
the around the world party.
That's my roommate Brian
and my friend Fred.
I think their room was supposed
to be Canada, but it was lame.
- Here. Here's the number.
- Let's give it a shot.
- Yeah?
- Hi, I'm sorry to bug you again.
But my friend is trying
to track down someone...
...who sent him a message
from this phone.
I told him. I don't know a Chelsea.
Yeah, but 845, can you tell me where
that area code is from?
- Goshen, New York.
- Is that near Poughkeepsie?
About 43 miles.
Is that where you are now? Maybe
someone borrowed your cell phone.
I didn't lend anyone my phone.
I'm not in Goshen.
I go to college out in California.
Really? Where?
It's this tiny West Coast liberal arts
college no one's ever heard of, Hearst.
Actually, I've heard of it.
Could you check your phone?
See if the text message
is still in your outbox?
I just got it last month. I haven't
quite learned the features yet.
Mind if I come check for myself?
- How are you gonna do that?
- Tell me where you are.
I'll handle the travel arrangements.
It's right here under messages.
You just scroll down to sent and bingo.
Here it is.
"Max, I don't know why
I haven't heard from you.
I guess I was wrong
about our night together."
- I didn't send that.
- When were you were back East?
Christmas.
Maybe you're out on the town.
A couple eggnogs to the wind.
Some sweet young thing asks
to borrow your...
Hot stuff coming through.
And he's carrying a tray of muffins.
I know you.
You're Max's roommate, aren't you?
Yeah. I'm Brian. Hey.
Brian? Really?
You look more like a Chelsea.
News? Already?
The glass-is-half-full version,
Chelsea is not getting married.
Are you serious?
Yeah, the half-empty version
is she's a hooker.
Brian and Fred, as demented
as this sounds...
...thought you'd have more confidence
with girls if you...
...Iost your virginity.
I'm gonna go kill my friends now,
so if you could just leave me a bill...
The impression I got, they thought
they were doing a good thing.
I'm sorry, but on what planet
am I a sexual charity case?
Like I haven't had opportunities?
I've had opportunities
but I have standards.
High standards.
Maybe that's why they picked her.
Because they could tell.
They didn't interview her, Max.
They weren't matchmaking.
They coached her.
They told her you were
a Battlestar fan.
They gave her the "So Say We AIl"
T-shirt she was wearing.
That line about the Cylon Raiders
looking like Batman's car?
They fed her that.
What about the text message?
When they saw you pining, they
wanted to find a way to put you out...
...of your misery without,
well, crushing you.
Brian found out a guy he works
with is from upstate New York.
He swiped his phone, sent you
a message as Chelsea saying goodbye.
So you'd get over her.
Can you still find her?
Yes, but she'll still be a prostitute.
I'm not stupid, Veronica.
Okay? We had something.
I know it. There are some things
you can't fake.
And there are some things women
are universally known for faking.
And this girl is a professional.
When I dropped her off at the airport,
she had tears in her eyes.
Are you sure she wasn't thinking
of the cab fare back?
Fine. Think what you want.
The job was to find her,
not tell me her occupation.
Are you gonna do it, or not?
He wants you to track her down?
You can't do this.
You're just fueling his fire.
He's obsessed.
He thinks she's the one.
She's the first girl to touch
where his bathing suit covers.
- Of course he thinks she's the one.
- Actually, she's not.
He wasn't a virgin?
We spend 500 each on a hooker
and he wasn't a virgin?
No, you spend 500 each
and he's still a virgin.
Okay, she better have done some
crazy, like, circus act.
They talked. And connected.
This is the worst moment of my life.
Well, he didn't say anything.
We figured he's one of those
gentleman guys...
...who doesn't talk about it.
Wait, is that why he wants you
to find her?
- He wants to sleep with her?
- No.
He probably does wanna sleep
with her.
Mainly, he thinks they have
a connection.
You definitely told him
she was a hooker?
I think he needs to see it for himself.
A little brutal truth.
So how did you find her?
A hooker search engine.
What will you boys come up
with next?
Chelsea. Chelsea. Chelsea.
And there she blows.
One Chelsea.
That explains why Chelsea
was into comic books.
- Chelsea's a dude.
- That's not her.
They change their working names
all the time.
Great. There are only
18,731 escorts...
...listed on the site.
Much as I'd like to peruse
their pages individually...
Try narrowing the search
by preference.
You know hair color, height,
bondage preferences.
- You know Max's preference?
- That's easy.
We just described Milla Jovovich
with a B cup.
And found one into role playing.
How very Weird Science.
Let's see.
It's like a ZAGAT guide for hookers.
How did people find sex before
there was an Internet?
Overall looks. We've got everything
from model material to triple bagger.
I can only assume...
- What's GFE?
- Girlfriend experience.
She has to be an experienced girlfriend?
It's the type of experience
you want.
You want it to be like she's your
girlfriend, it's a girlfriend experience.
If you wanna act like
you're into porn, it's a PSE...
...porn star experience.
Is there a reality experience,
where she reminds the guy...
...she's only there because
he's paying her?
Okay, boys.
Let's find that hooker.
From 18,000 down to two.
You're attention to detail
has served us well young Jedis.
So which blurry-faced,
fatherless girl is she?
Pink bikini maybe?
I don't know. I think the one
we picked had a longer torso.
I come home after a hard day
at work and there you are...
...Iounging, with your bonbons
and your Harper's Bazaar.
There better be freshly pressed shirts
in my closet, or so help me.
What? You got nothing?
- Maybe I'm not in the mood.
- Amuse me, damn it. Amuse me now.
I finally got the police report
On the dean's suicide
That needs work.
Did the report say about the dean's
office getting egged?
No. But then again, it looks like
it was done by a 10th-grader.
I swear it might as well have...
...heavy-metal band logos
sketched in the margins.
There are these girls
from Lilith House.
Activists with a real grudge
against the Greeks.
They hated the dean.
One of them, Nish, was the editor of
the newspaper, when O'Dell fired her...
...she swore he'd regret it.
They went on an egging spree
the night of his suicide.
Protesting him reinstating the Greeks.
You mind talking to them?
Yeah, I think I've dipped into
that well one too many times.
They're not big Veronica fans.
I think you're probably gonna have
to handle this one yourself.
If you go undercover as a student...
...no Daniel Boone jacket,
no peace signs...
...the times they have a-changed.
Will you be home for dinner?
No. I'm meeting two hookers
over at Logan's later.
- On a school night?
- Off-peak hours.
Save a few bucks.
- You're not really...?
- Fiona and Lizette.
They're a couple gals putting
themselves through college.
Man, quit bringing me down
with your bourgeois hang-ups.
Should we have gotten more
for the hookers?
As I understand it,
they prefer the term "escorts."
So have you ever been with one?
- An escort?
- Yeah.
- Do we really wanna go there?
- I guess we don't have to now.
That wasn't me answering
the question.
- It kind of was.
- No, it wasn't.
That was me knowing there's
a land mine...
...trying to figure
where to put my foot.
I guess you picked your spot.
Look, why not dispel
any romantic notions.
If we see each other warts and all,
and still like each other...
...that's a real connection.
Maybe I enjoy my romantic notions.
Maybe I don't care to see any warts.
Yours or mine.
I see you're smiling,
so I think it's all fun and safe.
But it's a slippery slope from "have you
ever been" to "how many and how often?"
So you've been with multiple hookers
on several occasions.
I'm not having this conversation.
Logan, Max, Max, Logan.
I didn't know she was a hooker
at the time.
No one's judging, man.
As you know, we are
looking for a new home.
And when we leave,
we shall be able to retain...
What? You think hookers are known
for their punctuality?
Where's your bathroom?
It's wrong that I'm nervous, right?
- Hey there. I'm Lizette.
- Hello.
- Welcome to my place.
- Thank you.
Oh, well, hey there to you too.
I'm totally up for it, guys, but
it's gonna cost extra, right?
That's not her.
Sorry, Lizette. Looks like
we're gonna have to reschedule.
Pay the girl, Max.
- lf we're paying her anyway...
- Honey?
Sorry.
I was looking for someone else.
I'll live.
This is just wasteful.
Hey there. I'm Fiona.
Chelsea.
Oh, my God.
Max, is that you?
Oh, my God.
This is nice. We should hang out
with your friends more.
So, Fiona, where are you from
originally?
Actually, this is a bit awkward
but my name is really Wendy.
Really? Wendy.
I like it.
You guys need a refill?
Or a room?
We're good. Thanks.
Sorry. I guess we're being
pretty rude. It's just...
...I never thought I'd see Max again.
I bet.
God, I was such a girl
when he dropped me off at the airport.
All misty and dramatic.
I missed the misty?
When he was leaving,
I felt this rush.
I thought about everything
that lead to that moment.
Like all the choices I made
that got me to that exact spot...
...at that exact time.
How if I'd made different ones
I could be with the sweet guy...
...who was dropping me off
at the airport, all teary-eyed.
I wasn't teary-eyed.
I hadn't slept much and, you know,
my eyes were...
Three-to-one Dick
forgot his key card again.
Takers?
- Madison?
- Oh, it's you.
So are you and Logan, like, dating
again or are you hotel staff?
Did someone order a PSE?
- Dick's not here.
- Hey, Logan.
- Hey.
- So, what are you kids up to tonight?
- Same old. Same old.
- Well, this looks like super fun...
...but I should probably go
do something that doesn't suck.
Don't party too hard, you guys.
- Friend of yours?
- No. Madison is pretty much...
...the physical embodiment
of all things I loathe.
If Dick starts dating her again,
you're gonna need...
...to get a different roommate.
Morning.
What you doing?
- Just getting dressed for work.
- Wait. You're missing something.
Now remember, when you rip
off the break-away pants...
...thrust your pelvis toward
the bachelorette. Okay?
It's her special day.
Claire Nordhouse?
Mind if I ask you a few questions?
I'm sorry. What is this about?
Just a few questions, ma'am.
Mind if I come in?
You're Fern Delgado?
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Just following up on some things
from the night Cyrus O'Dell died.
- The dean?
- Right. Dean O'Dell.
The night he died
someone egged his office.
- So that's a crime now?
- Always has been.
- So you did it?
- I didn't say that.
Well, I am. I'm saying you girls
egged the dean's office...
...the same night you were egging
the Lampoon...
...and other campus hotspots.
I'd like to ask
a few questions about it.
So, what, you think a few eggs,
and I'm not saying we threw them...
...made the dean up and kill himself?
Actually, we believe
the dean was murdered.
So what I think is that you guys were
in the area when this happened.
You were known to carry
a grudge against the man...
- Hold on. We didn't kill anyone.
- Who's we?
Who else was on this egg adventure?
- Just us.
- Just the two of you. No one else?
And Nish.
No. Nish was not with us
when we egged the dean's office.
She was with you when you egged
the Lampoon. Interesting.
So where was she?
When you were outside
throwing eggs at his window...
...where was your friend Nish?
Don't look at each other,
and don't you dare lie.
Where'd she go?
You'd rather talk at the station?
What, are you kidding?
Mr. Mars, is this some kind of a joke?
He's not a cop. He used to be.
He's a private eye.
Do you two ever watch the news?
Nish.
You were egging buildings the night
the dean died.
You weren't with them when
they egged the office.
- Where were you?
- First of all...
...I don't have to say anything...
...and second of all, I'm pretty sure
what you're doing right now is illegal.
But I'll tell you. I got nothing to hide.
I went around and egged
the dean's car.
- His car?
- That Volvo that he loved so much.
He says the dean was murdered.
I got your text.
I take it your connection with Wendy
has found an even higher plane?
I wanna hire you again.
Make Wendy disappear. I guess
she needs new ID. A new name.
Someone to close out
her old apartment...
Max, you think maybe
this is all too fast?
I'll admit, I was surprised she
seemed to be really fond of you but...
Veronica's gonna help us.
Oh, my God, thank you.
That's the thing about being
a working girl, easy to break into...
...not so easy to get out of.
It's not like I'm one of the big earners
but I have this client, a judge.
A judge. Which one?
- Kramer.
- No freaking way.
My dad busted him for taking bribes
and the old bastard still got re-elected.
He's the kinkiest out of all my clients.
No sex.
He just likes to sneak me
into his office at the courthouse.
All he wants to do is have tickle fights
and walk around in my shoes.
Well, you don't have to worry about
him stretching out your shoes anymore.
Whatever it costs.
Where's Wendy?
If you don't come back with me...
...and with $ 1000 for your time
last night...
...Mr. Happy Fists is gonna play
Connect the Bruises on me.
She's not going back.
We're getting you away from this.
Yeah, please, get her away from this...
...so I can get my ass kicked
a little more.
- Max, I have to go back.
- Let me talk to your pimp.
Explain things.
I have a head for business.
You'll end up with a head
for a hood ornament.
There's no other way, Max.
I have to go.
It was a great night, wasn't it?
Maybe my best night ever.
This was supposed to be
for paying you but it's 1000, right?
- Yeah. A thousand.
- We'll figure something out, okay?
Come on, Wendy. We gotta go.
- Is he still out there?
- He hasn't moved.
- That's it. I'm kicking him out.
- No. Let me talk to him.
You'll always have Comic-Con.
For what little it's worth,
I was totally wrong.
You and Wendy do have something.
You two are great together.
And I'm sorry.
And this just plain sucks.
That was my useless speech.
I will now busy myself
by bringing you a glass of water.
Max.
So? She wears makeup.
It's purple makeup.
The bruise was a fake.
You've been had. They duped you.
Nicki didn't get worked
over by her pimp.
She and Wendy just conned you
out of a grand.
That's crazy.
Crazy? She screws people
for money, Max.
That's what she does.
- I'm sorry. That was...
- No.
- I'm an idiot.
- You're not.
From where I stand,
Wendy is the idiot.
And now we must crush her.
How to make the happy hooker
not so happy?
Got it. Thanks.
Judge High Heels' home phone.
- This is a bad idea.
- It's blackmail.
It's the go-to idea.
In case of emergency,
break glass or blackmail.
Excuse me if I can't get jazzed
about my girlfriend extorting a judge.
Look, I'm not doing a back
handspring about it either.
But I'm getting Max
his $ 1000 back...
...and I'm taking away
Wendy's best client.
It works on so many levels.
You don't have to do this.
I'll use your cell phone. They won't
be able to trace the call back to me.
Judge Kramer? You don't know me,
but I know a lot about you.
No, really, I do.
I know you're a judge.
I know you have a weekly date
with a hooker at the courthouse...
...and that you have a proclivity
for high heels and tickling.
All I need is $ 1000 to keep quiet.
Get a locker
at the Neptune Bus Station.
Leave the money, call me with
the locker number and pass code.
You have 24 hours.
I guess I should get out
of you guys' hair.
Go mope around my dorm.
Thank you.
I can't believe I had to blackmail
a judge...
...just to get some alone time
with you.
You really don't have to work that hard.
Sure I do.
You know, if I were a hooker,
this snuggle would cost you.
- I'd gladly pay.
- Really?
For this?
Cash money.
But seriously, folks...
Have you?
What? Ever been with a hooker?
Why does it matter?
I just wanna know.
I assume the answer is yes.
Look at it as an opportunity for me
to show you how cool I can be.
Hooker, who cares?
Here's your chance to be cool.
Stop asking.
I just want to get to a place with you
where we can be really...
...intimate.
That's what the female
praying mantis says...
...before she bites
the male's head off.
I'm just saying, buried secrets tend
to surface when I'm around.
Think that's because of all the digging?
I'm giving you the chance right now
to come clean.
You tell all, I tell all,
we go from there.
Fine.
Ask away. Ask...
...anything you want.
- Have you ever been with a hooker?
- No.
Wanna ask me anything?
Have you ever been with a hooker?
No.
The night you were in Mexico
with Mercer...?
- Are you kidding me?
- How was he able to get back...
...to Neptune, commit a rape and
return to Mexico without you knowing?
I must've passed out.
It felt like a couple of minutes
but it could have been hours.
Maybe he drugged me or something.
Your question.
You can have my turn.
Where you with anyone
while we were broken up?
Land mine.
I fooled around with this horrible girl
who meant less than nothing to me...
...and I couldn't regret it more.
Thinking of it makes me ill.
So there. Presto. Intimacy.
Still love me?
Yes.
- Hello?
- Judge Kramer called.
He dropped off the money. Feel
like coming with me to pick it up?
The pick-up is the best part.
I'll meet you in 20 minutes.
Get in.
Okay. Look. Maybe calling the judge
wasn't a great idea...
...but one of your girls ripped off
my friend...
...and we were just getting
his money back.
So could you let us
out of the car now?
- Lesson learned.
- Not me. Her.
- Her?
- Me.
I'm the one who gets called when
one of my girls does something dumb.
- You mean, you're the...?
- I'm Wendy's agent.
I don't think this is street-legal.
- What's the voltage on this?
- Put it down, Happy.
Wait. There really is
a Mr. Happy Fists?
I thought that was
just colorful language.
Look. Wendy didn't do anything dumb.
Okay?
- I did. I called the judge.
- I don't think you did.
He said it was a girl's voice.
And Wendy has done a bunch
of dumb things.
She fell for a client.
She tried to leave me
without saying goodbye.
She told a client about the judge.
I'm sorry.
Did you say she fell for a client?
She asked out, but there's a problem,
you see.
Wendy owes me money.
Braces aren't cheap.
Tattoo removal isn't cheap.
Clothes and housing aren't cheap.
- Now, she could work it off.
- I'll pay.
You're a hell of a negotiator, Max.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ten grand.
And a promise that you never talk
to another one of my clients again.
And next time, I won't go
the makeup route with the bruises.
They're gonna be the real thing.
Max. Think about this.
Fine. Ten grand.
You wanna run me by my bank?
You just handed over a hundred $ 100 bills.
Yeah, I was there.
And what guarantee
do you have that...?
- That boy is smitten.
- Isn't he great?
Yeah. Pretty great.
So, what is the secret to making a guy
fall for you like that?
Dumb luck.
And interesting lingerie.
Never underestimate the power
of lingerie.
Yo, Veronica. I'm sorry,
I gotta tell somebody about this.
You're never gonna guess
what somebody tried to flush...
...down the commode
in the faculty lounge.
Hey. I know you.
Weevil, this is Wendy.
Fiona. Right? You used to dance
at the Electric Lady.
My buddy was a bouncer up there.
You must be thinking of someone else.
No. I don't think so.
You have a tattoo.
Red dragon, left cheek?
Am I right?
Weevil. You got the wrong girl.
Yeah, yeah. You're right.
Sorry about that.
See you around, V.
Man, you just love that report.
Your buddy Nish said specifically
that she egged the dean's Volvo.
But according to the report
the dean was driving a minivan.
That's the car they found
in the parking lot.
So Nish is lying?
Or maybe the dean's Volvo
was also there.
That's the car Mindy was driving
that night.
Maybe she paid a visit
to her husband.
Why wouldn't she mention that to you?
That's exactly what I'm wondering.
You okay?
Yeah. Why?
You've just been quiet.
That's all.
It's just, I have to have this
read by Tuesday.
Yeah. That's fine.
There was a dragon on your purse
the first time we met.
I guess you're a fan of dragons.
Yeah. I like dragons.
Stew-Pot warning.
He's sniffing around.
- Thanks.
- Who's Stew-Pot?
Stewart Potter. Our R.A.
I think he saw you with the bags.
- He can be a pain.
- Thanks for letting me hang out.
It'll just be a couple days.
I just need to find a place. Get a job.
I might actually know of a job.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's what we came
to see you about.
My brother's getting married
next Saturday.
The guy organizing his bachelor party
has this really uptight wife...
...so they didn't book a stripper.
We're scrambling to get someone.
Should be a good gig.
They're all, like, lawyers.
Hey. That's my girl you're talking to.
And I'm retired, actually.
Of course. Of course. I'm sorry.
I didn't know what the story was.
It's cool.
We can find somebody else.
You mind if I ask you a question?
Probably, but go ahead.
When I dropped you off
at the airport...
...and you said you left all your
information at the hotel...
...I got back and the room
was cleaned.
So I guess my question is...
...did you really leave it for me?
Was it really there?
No.
But I really wish I left it.
I think I'm gonna take a walk.
I haven't paid you yet.
I didn't want you to come collecting.
If it isn't the man of La Mancha.
How's tricks?
Sorry. I mean, things.
How are things?
Things? They suck.
Wendy left.
The upside,
I actually got a note this time.
She said it wasn't gonna work out.
You bought her out of prostitution
and she left you?
Please tell me you don't want me
to find her again.
No. I think she may be right.
She said... What'd she say...?
She said:
"The day we met was one
of the best days of my life.
I fell for you that day,
but you didn't know what I was then...
...and now you do.
And it shows in the way
you look at me.
It shows in the way you touch me.
But I'll never regret it.
You made me realize what I was
missing. Love, Wendy."
Ten thousand is a lot to pay
for a life lesson.
She's gonna pay me back as soon
as she can.
Max, please don't get your hopes up.
She already paid me 1000.
She made some good money last night.
Hope you don't mind getting your
money in vertically-folded singles.
Oh, Max.
I heard it from a pro.
Lingerie.
Maybe I should get into the spirit
of doing things normal girlfriends do.
I should make more of an effort
to please my man.
First comes sexy under-things.
Do you have the thigh-highs
with the seams up the back?
I think I saw some between the pasties
and the edible underwear.
You know, it's kind of smart of you
to raid the sale rack like that.
It's almost a waste for me to spend
all this money on something...
...that'll be ripped right off of me.
If you're trying to get Dick back...
...I don't think you have to work
that hard.
Seriously. A Hefty bag
and some duct tape...
...and he'd be good to go.
Dick? Please.
You came over. I figured...
Oh, Logan and I hooked up
in Aspen over the holidays.
I guess you two were split.
I was in town and thought he might
have some free time, but, oh, well.
Oh, and as a friend, he's not so big
on the one-piece numbers.
[ENGLISH]