Veep (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Vic Allen Dinner - full transcript

Selina is rankled when the White House releases an unflattering photo of her. Mike and Kent bond over sailing; Jonah gets an executive parking space; Sue has a job interview. Selina takes ...

What rhymes with majority? Nothing.

Come on, you still working on that
funny song about the new Speaker?

- Give it a break.
- Oh, priority.

And authority. Sorority.

Oh, my God, there's a million words
that rhyme with it.

Oh, no. No, no, no!

Look where Jonah's coming from.

Oh, that grin, the keys. Oh, God.

He's been given West Exec parking.

Yeah, the holy grail of parking.

Good morning, gentlemen.
What a delightful day.

I was gonna walk to work, but then...

- You got West Exec?
- It's just a parking spot, Dan.

To be jealous of that,
you'd have to be a shallow kind of...

I don't know, dick, I guess.


This is the situation room, ma'am,
during the hostage mission.

- We need to approve a photo for release.
- Okay.

Let's see.

Oh, my God. Look at Ben.

- Look at the size of his coffee mug.

Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

Oh, I look nice, though, huh?

GARY: Yeah, you do.

- You look concerned, but steely.
- Yeah.

Like a lady soldier.

Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans

at this teen prayer breakfast
thing tomorrow, are there?

No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Okay, here's all the details
of the youth leaders

- that you're gonna be meeting.
- Oh, man.

Who the hell is religious as a teenager?

I was.

I mean, smoke some weed,
for Christ's sake, right?

Oh, God, look at the President.

- Jeez, he looks so...
- He looks jowly.

Ah, look at those cheeks.

It's like two little clutch bags
attached to his face.

Oh, my God, with the bags.
It's always bags with you.

Got to get out of the bag zone.
Come on, Gary.

- Sir.
- Gentlemen.

Very excited about this new demographics
study you're planning.

You should be. Dream Metric will reveal
the electoral battleground as it truly is.

It's comparable to the invention
of the microscope.

Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas
I have regarding strategy?

No time, Mr. Egan.

They're mostly Flash based,
but I put them on YouTube.

I just said I had no time.

We're all being hit by
deadlines, right, Mike?

Yes, sir. They can swing around
and smack you like a boom.

You sail, Mike? Have a boat?

- Yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.
- Great cruiser.

Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done.

You know, like a cast-iron skillet
or Kevin Bacon.

(LAUGHS) I've got a Lagoon 380.

- Catamaran? That's real man's sailing.
- Yeah.

Leaning out in the tack, your big
man balls dipping in the salty sea.

You're right there, my friend, yeah.

I have no children and I wish for none,

but she's my family.

You know, I once went powerboating
on Lake Erie.

Amazing rush.

I need to go.

You don't talk powerboating
to us sailors, Dan.

What's the fucking difference?


- Veep in?
- No.

DAN: You have time to just sit there?

You've already bugged the shit out
of everyone else in the building?

I'm sorry, what? Say that again.

Jonah, out. Or else I'll see
if my pepper spray works.

- Morning, guys.
- Morning.

Thirteen thousand. No, 14,500.

Is this the amount of times you've
admired yourself in the mirror today?

No, I'm guessing that's
the difference in salary

between this job
and the one that you just interviewed for.

You think I had a job interview?

DAN: I know you had a job interview.

- How, Sherlock?
- Simple makeup, higher neckline.

Flats don't go with that dress, which means
you probably have heels in your bag.

Coffee from corner bakery
implying you were at

one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

I love this stuff.

That and somebody called your extension
to make sure you had the right address.


Hey, is Danny Chung gonna
be performing tonight?

- Mm-hmm.
- Really? What's he gonna be doing?

I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi
out of a burning tank

in case we all forgot
what a fucking war hero he is.

- Yeah.
- No, we have no official comment.

No, that is not a non-comment.

- We're just not commenting.
- What?

- How did this photo get out there?
- What?

Can we delete it off the Internet, then?

No, I don't know what I'm talking about.

SELINA: What? What's going on here?

Ma'am, the White House
released this picture.

What? No, no. This isn't...

Amy, this isn't the photo that we approved.

- No.
- Look at this.

It looks like I'm tweeting
when a guy loses his leg.

Yeah, it does, ma'am.

This is Kent's doing.

He's trying to screw me.
I'm gonna go stab him.

I'm stabbing him.

- Yeah, from this point. It's...
- All right, get out.

Get out. You, too, Amy.

I don't want any witnesses in here.
I'm not kidding.

- I'll start running the acid bath.
- Yeah.

This is the photograph?

No, just wondering if you think
this sweater goes with the dress.

Look, the other photos
caught POTUS at a bad angle.

- Vis-é-vis jowls.
- What?

- It's a bad look.
- That's how he looks. That's his face.

Why didn't you just take the
good one of me, Photoshop it in?

I can't airbrush history, ma'am.
I'm not Joseph Stalin.

No, that's true. You're not.
You don't have a tenth of his charm.

Okay, I'm just gonna go work
on my Jim Marwood song.

We're in budget talks,
reaching across the aisle.

POTUS does not want the Speaker mocked.

Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike,

Rodgers and Hammershit,
come up with a new song in an afternoon?

We can laugh at ourselves.

Maybe you should do a funny bit
about the photograph.

- Own the situation.
- Own this.

- She was multitasking.
- You need to get off the phone.

It's a thing women can do,
like smelling nice and wrapping gifts.

- Okay.
- Bye, Tom.

Were you on top of this or what?

We were busy writing
youth culture references

in a funny song about the Speaker.


I don't even know what you just said.

What are you laughing about,
Jolly Green Jizzface?

- I was... Sorry, ma'am.
- God damn, why are you even here?

Oh, I came here to tell you
that you're a meme, ma'am.

I'm a meme ma'am? What are you
talking about? Speak English, boy.

A meme, an Internet phenomenon.

Okay, yes. There are Photoshopped versions
of this springing up all over Twitter.

- You at the Declaration of Independence...
- Oh, my God.

With Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion,

the 2004 tsunami.

If there was a tsunami,
you'd be genuinely looking at your phone

'cause you'd be checking the weather.

You know what? I don't need you to talk.

How do we stop this meme ma'am shit?

No, it's just a meme, ma'am.
Not a meme ma'am.

And usually they flame out
after about 48 hours,

but sometimes they blow up
and become a super meme

like Downfall or Gangnam.

- GARY: (CHUCKLES) I love Gangnam.
- What did I just say?

JONAH: If it gets on Reddit or Tumblr,
that can happen.

Yeah, okay. You've got to
get out of here, okay?

Take all these meaningless syllables
with you and just get out.

Yes, absolutely, ma'am. Oh, and I
will see you at the dinner tonight.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top
of this whole turd cake.

Oh, your leg. Could you fix your leg
so I can see your whole leg.

Fix it. Yeah. Okay.

POTUS said that we can't do
the song about the Speaker

at the Vic Allen dinner. We can't do it.

- MIKE: The Speaker song is cut?
- Yeah.

It was hilarious.

- It was not that hilarious.
- You're out of your head, dude.

That would have made people
piss in their pants.

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's do a new song about Kent.


- You think?
- Make fun of ourselves, that's what he said.

I kind of like that. I
do, I kind Of like that.

All right, we'll do it.
I have no problem with that. Let's go.

That's what we're gonna do. Let's go.

Just stop the filibuster, buster.

- That's good.
- That's not a rhyme.

You're just matching a word
with the same word.

Just write it down, Dan. I'm in a zone.

Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag.

You're wrong. You know why?

Three words, Weird Al Yankovic.

Shit Al Yankoshit.

You shut your mouth, okay?

Just protect the endangered goose, Bruce.

These are all great. A parody song
of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

- Great idea.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- If the first one bombs,

people are gonna be
sitting out there thinking,

"Shit the bed, we got 49
more of these to go."

Help the oil lobby, Bobby.
That's a good one.

Let's follow Jonah.

That is so childish.

MIKE: Why are we doing this?

Because it's pointless,
like everything else that we do.

You still pissed you
can't get in with Kent?

Nobody can. He's half robot, half robot.

- He's a robot.
- Yeah, that's the challenge, Mike.

See, in college all the girls liked me.

There was this one girl,
smart, who had no interest in me.

She wasn't gay either. I checked.

So it became my mission to sleep with her.

And did you?

DAN: No.

And that failure has haunted me
to this very day.

I have a similar story,
but the other way around.

In college there was only one girl
that was interested in me.

And it turns out she was
actually a lesbian.

AMY: Everyone is a little off.

Dan is bored. Sue is
looking for another job.

What? Really?

And the stuff you're saying to Gary...

What? Gary's not happy with me?


Because he'd be happy
if I shot him in the face.

He would be. I've actually
thought about it.

He feels since he got that girlfriend Dana,
you've been weird with him.

Okay, can you please...
Can you please not...

See? That is another thing. The leg.

Well, he did lose a whole leg.

That's like half of what
he should have, right?

I'm fine. Look, I can
handle this whole thing.

I can.Sue.

You are incredibly valued here
and I was wondering

if there's anything we could do
to make you want to stay with us.

- More money, ma'am.
- I'm on it. Welcome back.

Honored to serve.

Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

- Gary.
- I'll talk to Gary.

How about doing that outside of the office?

Invite him to dinner maybe.

Wow. I've never eaten with Gary before.

I've eaten next to him, but...

Okay, yeah. I can do that.

- Good morning, Jonad.
- (SCOFFS) You're pathetic.


Yeah, come at me
when you guys get an office, huh?

- Everyone hates him.
- Yeah, but we hated him first.

Oh, yeah, we hated him long before
it was even fashionable to hate him.

MIKE: This is like a wildlife documentary.

Jonah in his natural habitat.
He might defecate in a bush.

- What is this?
- I don't know.

- Jonah.
- Hey.

- Busy?
- No.

I just had to get some
of these binder clips.

From another building, huh?

Yeah, we ran out at the White House.

Isn't there a guy, though,
that can get that for you?

Yeah, you'd think there would be.

Yeah, but he's off sick.

- Who is?
- Steve.

What's poor old Steve come down with?

- He has diabetes.
- Oh, wow. That's a big one.

- What type?
- Two.

Yeah. What are the symptoms of two again?

Oh, he's just feeling bad.

You know, he's sugary.

- Yeah.
- Or he's not sugary enough.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Are there any other symptoms?

Yeah, he's got fat wrists. You know?

Yeah. You getting freezed out by Kent?

We've been watching you, Jonah.

- You're obsolete.

You're like an old VCR,
but with a bigger mouth.

- You guys have been following me?
- Yeah.

You've been following me like Nancy Drew
and his butt-sniffing dog

and I'm the one that has nothing to do?

Cool the honey, bro. We're very busy.

- We're writing a comical song.
- Shut up, Mike.

Well, I might have nothing
to do, gentlemen,

but at least when I'm crying about it,

I am crying about it in my car

in West Wing Exec parking.

SELINA: (SINGING) 50 ways to win in Denver


Hey, ma'am, thanks again
for inviting me to dinner.

- Sure.
- It's an honor.

I actually wrote it in my diary
and stared at it for a full five minutes.

My treat for you

Would you set it all up, please

And check the menu, too

Of course

No, no, no, I actually really do mean that

Figure out the restaurant and everything

Okay. Okay.

Do you...

Yes, Gary? What is it?

Can Dana come along?

- Oh, really?
- No.

That was a bad idea.

It's okay if she can't.

No, it's good. Fine.


You are gonna love her.

- She's a total gal's gal.
- Oh, I can't wait.

- She says this one thing...
- Can you get me my throat spray?

- I need that. Do you have it?
- Sure.

Mi, fa, so, la, ti, do


No, no, no, don't sing it with me
That fucks me up

- Jim.
- Madam Vice President.

I always feel like I should curtsy, and
then I remember that doesn't make sense.

No, it certainly does not.

You know Amy Brookheimer,
my Chief of Staff.

Mr. Speaker. It's nice to see you again.

Amy. Now, am I getting older
or are you getting younger?

We're both getting older.

That's the third option, of course.
That's great stuff.

I understand there's gonna be
a bit of a joke truce tonight.

A cessation of hostilities.

Absolutely. There will be no jokes from me.

I'm not going to mention the photograph.

Were you Internet shopping?

I'm joking.

Or rather, I'm not. There we are.


You know, I was at that
same prayer breakfast

- about a month or so ago.
- Oh, were you?

- Aren't they great kids?
- They're great.

And they seemed excited as young voters

about the possibility
of a veteran becoming president.

- Not necessarily me. (CHUCKLES)
- Okay.

Well, they seemed very excited about

the possibility of a woman
becoming president.

Not necessarily you. (CHUCKLES)

Well, my enhanced foreign policy role
will serve me well.

Hey, it is good to be on top
of international relations.

- Sure.
- So there are fewer opportunities

for guys like me to risk our lives.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely, yeah.

And limbs.

Are you not finishing this?
I'm gonna take it. Okay.

Amy, you should stop eating so much.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You're stress eating.

I'm not. I'm having dessert.

I think you're letting the pressures
of the office get to you.

You barely have a life outside.
You don't go to the gym.

You don't go to the movies.
You're barely at home.

That's true.

I mean, I hope I don't have a cat because,
believe me, that poor fucker's dead.


You need to date, Amy.

Find yourself a political nerd
who also showers.

I'm just saying I'm looking out for you.

I wouldn't want you to become a fat,
neurotic freak.

Speaking as a friend.

We have a lot of special
performances tonight

- and a lot of fun ahead.
- Danny Chung.

So he pulled a guy from a tank.

You saved four guys from captivity.

Yeah, and they weren't burnt, by the way.

Chung's guy had a face
like a Christmas ham.

- Governor Danny Chung!

Thank you.

All right, thank you.

You know, this administration
has faced many challenges.

But until now, nobody's thrown down

a beatbox challenge.




That isn't impressive at all.

- He's just spitting, right?
- Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Minnesota's in the house.


I said, "Well, was it money or sex?"

And he said, "No, the guy from Fox News

"is the only one who stopped
and asked for directions."


Thank you.

To be serious forjust a moment,

I think we need to give
a big round of applause

to the Vice President
for the part that she played

in setting free those young guys

who had been held against their will
for so long.

Madam Vice President, thank you.

Thank you.

Of course, all she had to do
was unlock her bedroom door,

but thanks anyway.

Well, at least she didn't
look down her nose at 'em.

You know, when they're
looking for the thing.

You know, but thank you. Okay. Okay.

Thank you so much for listening to me.

- I need a joke. I need a joke.
- Thank you. Good night.

Thank you.

Jim Marwood, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's give it up for him.

- Mate?
- Mute.

- Meat?
- No, mute. Mute.

Mute. Here.

Jim Marwood, what are we
gonna do with you?


I'll tell you, that's one speaker
I'd like to put on mute.


Okay, well, I'm gonna give this a shot.

You just need to keep in mind
that I'm not Selina Dion.

Okay, well, you know what?
Let's hit it, boys.


The problem is all inside your head

Kent said to me

The answer is easy if you take it logically

if you analyze elections
It's called psephology

Kent says there's 50 ways to win in Denver


Kent says there's 50 ways

To win in Denver

You just say you'll cut tax, Max

Don't be elite, Pete

Kiss a fat baby, Abie

Set yourself free

Don't be European, Ian

Say screw France, Lance

Maybe the Germans, Herman

The Dutch, the Swedes

Subsidize a bus, Gus

Don't be pro-choice, Joyce

Not too much sex, Rex

Take it from me

Make a pie chart, Art

Analyze the facts, Max

Don't live in a palace, Alice

This is imbecilic.

You're right. It's asinine.

No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan.

I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

Don't mention Israel, Catherine


SELINA: Good morning!

You should cut an album.

- Oh, can you imagine?
- AMY: You killed it.

You killed better than Chung killed
and he's actually killed.

I had to pretend not to like it to Kent

while pretending to like it
like he was pretending to like it,

but he didn't actually like it
and I actually really liked it.

Oh, hello, sir.

Ma'am, your song last night
made my lips curl.


I have a small favor to ask.

Okay, sure. What can I do you for?

Well, my Dream Metric demographic program
is about to launch

and I would like to borrow a member
of your team for two weeks.

Oh, you want Dan?

No, I want Mike.

No, you don't want me, sir.
You do want Dan.

- He's great.
- I've got a big bounce coming on.

I can feel it. I'm like you.

SELINA: No, you can't take Mike.

He's my director of communications.

Are you kidding me? You can't have him.

(QUIETLY) POTUS's European visit,
the Helsinki agreement...

- Yeah?
- He can no longer make it.

Debt ceiling talks are on the verge of collapse,
so he needs someone to go in his place.

Now either that's the
Secretary of State or...


Mike, on second thought,

I think that this whole Dream...

- Metric.
- Metric.

Dream Metric thing sounds
kind of fantastic.

- Don't you think?
- Yes, ma'am.

Comes from POTUS, so...

KENT: I'll see you down the hallway
in 15 minutes, Mike.

I'll pipe you aboard.

Ma'am, enjoy your trip to Europe.

Thank you.

Jonah will be making the trip as well.

Wait. What are you talking about?

You're taking my director of communications
and you're giving me Jonah?

This comes from POTUS.

Ma'am. Ma'am, please don't let him take me.

I don't want to go to numbers camp.

- I can't help you. Just let go.
- Please. Please.

Let go of me, all right?

Obviously you made an impression on Kent.

I don't make impressions, ma'am.

I've literally lived with people
who insist I was never there.

You give no press briefings. Understood?

I become Mike, you become an ugly me.

Cool. I'll handle new media.

Ma'am, I'm gonna get you
major online traction.

Reddit, Tumblr, boom.

Whatever. Just don't use my bathroom
on Air Force Two.

- There's another bathroom?
- Europe!

- Oh, mon dieu.
- Yeah, I know. It's gonna be fun.

- Really, really fun.
- It'll be really fun.

Now, I'm so sorry,

but I don't think we're gonna be able
to do the dinner with Dana.

Oh, we can bring it forward to lunch.
Let's do that.

Yeah? Yeah?

- Oh. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah? Yeah? Okay.

So cut to I'd set up a business importing
pecorino cheese.

Are you familiar with that brand of cheese?

- I think...
- it's like parmesan, but it's different.

- They're very different.
- What's the word that you use to describe...

- A duskiness.
- A duskiness.

Isn't that great? Would you ever
describe a cheese as dusky?

Not in a million years, no.
I wouldn't do that.

But so you import parmesan?

- Pecoflno.
- I'm sorry, the pecorino.

They're direct from Tuscany,
so that means it comes in through Florence.

If I were to use a Sicilian supplier,
which I wouldn't,

my overheads would double.

And they would have made her an offer
that she couldn't refuse.

Actually, the mafia involvement
in the dairy industry is minimal.

You're right. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to be flippant.

Think about it. In The
Godfather, no cheese.

- Yeah, you're right.
- You know I'm right. (LAUGHS)

- Boom!
- That's her catchphrase.

She got you. You got to be so careful.

Ha! Okay.

- So, Gary.
- Yeah?

This lunch is about me
saying that I value you.

I cannot tell you,
we are so happy to hear you say that...

If you could just...

And I want to say thank you

for all that you do for me.

GARY: That's so nice.

And I got you a little gift.

- No!
- Yes, I did.

Oh, that's so nice.

Look at this. A new Leviathan.

A new Leviathan!

Isn't that great?

Does it have the same layout, honey?

Because it took you so long
to learn the other one.

No, it's fine. I can learn a new layout.
It's fine.

Do you wish that I had gotten you
a different kind?

No, no, no, no. I love it.

(SING-SONGY) I love my new bag!

I can just sew some new pockets in.
That's okay.

- 'Cause it's a symbol.
- Yeah.

- It's for you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Is that for me?

Oh, yeah. That's for you. It's Amy.

Hey, what's up?

The Kent song has suddenly
gotten some negative traction.

- DAN: "References to Europe"...
- I'm putting you on speaker.

"References to Europe
in an ill-conceived song

"performed by VP Selina Meyer
have sparked outrage

- "in parts of the continent."
- What's the problem?

The lyrics "Don't be European, lan,"

"say screw France, Lance," that whole bit.

I'm sending the alert links to your iPad.

Excuse me, Gary. Can I have my iPad?

- Do you have that?
- Oh, right here.

- Here you go. Sorry.
- Thanks.

You know, while you're getting
to know your own mind,

I'm getting to know the rest of you.

- And Mama likes.

- Um, excuse me.
- Mama like it.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me, Gary,
just for a second.

I don't know what my password is.
Do you know what it...

- it's 4G. You don't need a Wi-Fi, ma'am.
- But the signals are all here.

You know what you got to do
is shut the Wi-Fi off.

That forces it into 4G. You know I'm right.

- Okay, let's not do that.
- SELINA: I'm not sure how to do that.

- No, no, no. That's confidential.
- I won't touch anything.

I won't touch anything.
Oops, I just started a war with Iran.

- Joke.
- That's not even remotely funny.

That's just one of my classic jokes.

- Calamari and zucchini?
- Oh, that would be for Gary here.

- Okay, here you go.
- And maybe some olives?

- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Get out!

Oh, God.

Well, our European visit

just got turned into a one-way trip to hell
and back.

- That's actually a return.
- You know what?

Could you just shut it
just for like two seconds?

- Why don't we go?
- Yeah, we've got to cut this lunch short.

But, you know, you're gonna
have your bag forever, so what the fuck?

KENT: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Dream Metric begins at this second.

Today is ground zero. Mike.


This is the index to America.

It will let us know how people will vote
before they even know themselves.

This program revolutionizes the way
we think about the way we think. Mike.

It's exciting.

"Within the last hour,
the German chancellor

"expressed his disappointment
at the remarks."

Who the hell does he think he is?

"George Dennis of Le Monde

"called the Vice President
a typical American hick."

I think it's pronounced Georges Denis.

I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

I think it just got on Reddit and Tumblr
and just exploded from there.


Those words sound mighty familiar.


I just liked the song so much.

And I thought you wanted it out there,
so I just put it out there.

Get off the plane.


- Get off of the plane.
- Ma'am, we're taxiing.

I don't give a shit. Get
the fuck off my plane.

Yeah, get the fuck off of my plane.

I cannot believe that you put that
out on Tumble.

- No, Tumblr.
- Okay.

- Stop the engines!
- Can we get Jonah off the plane, please?

Get up.

All of your privileges
are gonna be removed.

- Okay, but not the parking.
- Yeah, the parking.

- Wait, what? You have parking?
- Not anymore.

- Yeah, not anymore.
- But I didn't even own a car.

I just had to sign a two-year lease
for the Nissan Cube.

- Get him off.
- Okay, guys, my bag is in the hold.

- Does he have a big bag?
- Gary.

- Okay.
- Better?

- It's all good.
- It's all good.

- I'm fine.
- Totally fine.


How long is this flight?

Numbers, they never end, do they?

But that's what's good about them,
they keep going.

GARY: Oh...

He should really be on suicide watch.

Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.


That's the Latino vote, right?

That thing?

- Mike, my office.
- Yes, sir.


I leased a Nissan Cube
from you the other day.

What are my options
if I don't need it anymore?

Can I just give that back?



Help the oil lobby, Bobby

Don't piss off Wall Street, Pete

Don't mention Israel, Catherine...

Get out of DC