Veep (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Helsinki - full transcript
Selina and her staff head to Helsinki to finalize a trade agreement, but are worried whether Selina will be received warmly in Europe. Dan calls Mike for advice on charming the press and Mike leans on Jonah for help. Kent and Ben argue over how to deal with new intel.
at an informal event.
Yeah, she's going to apologize to Europe
'cause it's right up there
with the bubonic plague
and the carpet bombing at Dresden.
Tommy, hi. Amy. Yeah.
Ignore Dan. He's hormonal.
The song is funny because
it's the opposite of her views on Europe.
Drinks when I get back? Okay.
You need to do it like Mike.
Yeah, I don't want to be like Mike, okay?
Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike.
You should call him.
And we need to keep the Veep
away from regular people
and their awkward questions.
So while she's in Helsinki,
just keep her out of Helsinki.
She gave me a Leviathan with fewer pockets.
So what's the latest?
Any burning effigies of me in the Balkans?
Look at you in yourjammies.
- I need Ambien.
What? This is Cipro.
I don't have a urinary infection.
Oh, my gosh.
Listen to this.
The climate here is very cold,
but the reception here is very warm.
- It's almost there.
- Yeah. Isn't it great?
Yes, this is.
Did you g€t my...
Please don't make that face.
You know I only do this when I go abroad.
It's just last time you stopped,
you were so up and down.
Listen, I really do need
my little soldiers.
- I'm just saying...
- I need my flaming redheads.
- I don't understand...
- Thank you.
So what's going on?
How's the song going over in Finland?
Some paper is calling you
the Europhobic Khaleesi from DC.
What is that supposed to mean?
I'm scared of subtitles?
MAN: Mike, you got the summary
of the 2008 swing state modeling?
Not yet, but I do have a summary
of the summary that's great. So...
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Hey, Dan.
- How's it hanging, Mike?
(WHISPERING) It's fucking insane here.
It's like a math prison.
They rape you with numbers.
Mike, what's your voter registration ETA?
- All right, Mike, listen,
just tell me one thing.
How do you do that Fozzie Bear,
happy guy, wocka-wocka bullshit
to get the press to like you?
You want to learn to McLin-talk, huh?
Remember it's a performance.
You have to pretend that you're charming.
It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak,
keep it loose.
Deliberately bad jokes.
It's kind of genius.
Explains a lot.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- West Wing, Jonah.
- Hey, Jonah. It's Mike.
I need you to come over here
and explain this Dream Metric to...
Bingo. I was looking for that.
Okay, so you want J-Rock to come down there
and spit some wicked wisdom in your ear.
Is that what I'm hearing, Mike?
Look, if you do this, I will get you back
in as the Veep's resident creep.
If I come down there, Mike, people
are gonna wonder why I'm not in Europe.
Don't worry, buddy. I can cover for you.
Remember, I lie for a living.
Yeah, but you don't do it well
and nobody believes you.
I realize it's below freezing here in
Helsinki, but I certainly am touched
by the very warm welcome
we've received this evening.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
REPORTER: Do you have
any comment on the song?
Vice President, would you have made
jokes like that about the Middle East?
Guys, we appreciate you coming out,
but let's save the autographs for tomorrow.
Is she going to apologize?
- The Vice President is here...
- To apologize?
You're a long way from home, mate.
This is really the line of questioning...
"Mate"? Yeah, you're a long
way from home, mate, too.
The Vice President is here
to sign a trade agreement
and forge a very important friendship
between two great nations.
Press avail tomorrow.
At which point I'll perform
a little street magic for you, okay?
So you guys all think of a card.
I'm thinking nine of hearts.
I'm thinking joker.
That was cold and hostile.
Sure we didn't overshoot
and land in Russia in the 1950s?
- Yeah, what was with that British reporter?
- I know.
You do not want one of those on your back.
They will sell nude pics of their
grandmothers for a glass of hot beer.
By the way, that is not the way
Mike would have handled that
back then at the airport, okay?
If Mike were here,
we would have spent the entire flight
watching him do scratcher lotto tickets
going, "Oh, so close," every time he lost.
- Could we just...
- Yeah, I miss Mike.
Oh, look. That's nice.
It's got a smiley face on it.
Selina, you looking
for 50 ways to leave Helsinki?
Okay, guys, thank you very much.
We're not taking any questions tonight.
We've got some iPads to recharge.
But we'll see you in the morning.
- Okay, thank you. Good night.
- Just get in the Jeep, Veep.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Hey, relax, old-timer. Cavalry's here.
We have to summarize all
this for the layman.
Jesus, Mike. This is so basic.
This is like high school all over again.
Holy shit, grandpa, you probably
still get your porn from magazines.
Mike, sub the data principles
to 500, 100, and 20-word versions.
- Yes, sir?
Well, this is an unexpected permutation.
Uh, the Vice President thought
Jonah's talents might be...
We're supposed to inform Congress
of covert operations.
Now, this isn't a choice like my diet,
this is a necessity like my drinking.
I am going to be taking soundings
over the next 24 hours.
The national security advisor
is running around
like he's got eagles
flying out of his dick.
All this melodrama really
explains your three divorces.
Well, I'd like to divorce your head
from your fucking neck.
Do it. All right, listen,
Mike, I need you...
How many lunch breaks can one guy take?
DAN: So I just got an e-mail from Sue.
Something's really got 'em jumping
at the White House.
Okay, well, you need to go
and apologize for the song.
And don't make any jokes, okay, Dan?
Because with your face,
when you attempt to be charming,
it really does come off as evil.
- You doing okay?
- Did you get the...
- They got pears.
- I don't want fruit. Did you get 'em?
- Yes, I got 'em. I got 'em.
- Oh, come on.
- It's a small bag.
- Are you complaining about this gift?
- No, I'm not.
It's not a small bag. Your hands are large.
- My dad always said I had lady's hands.
- I got 'em.
- Oh, goodie.
- Right here.
- Yep. I feel so nasty.
Don't give me that Quaker
in a titty bar look.
BRITISH REPORTER: Here we go.
Ken's given Barbie the slip.
Okay, guys, to those who may have
misinterpreted the song,
we, to them, offer apologies,
especially our most gracious host
the Prime Minister of Finland.
So what's going on back there?
All I know is the Secretary of Defense
has been in to see Kent.
I must go to sleep now, Amy.
I'm on your time. Helsinchronized.
Yeah, well, I feel like
I'm on two time zones at the same time.
I might be the first woman ever
to have parallel periods.
You got to go to Europe, Amy,
and I'm in my bedroom.
Sean, you need to come to bed now.
And lower your expectations.
We will just be sleeping.
It's not a crisis. Despite
hysterical washerwoman reaction,
it's really not.
Lives were at risk. You know lives?
Like what you had before
they made you king of the undead.
Your idea of crisis management is
screaming, "We're fucked! Bury me!"
We're fucked! Bury me!
Okay, it's "Hyva Suomi."
That's "Go, Finland."
Okay, "Hyvé Suomi."
And is the song thing shut down?
Oh, yeah. Bullet in the
head, unmarked grave.
Madam Vice President.
Madam Prime Minister.
I am delighted to welcome you to Finland.
Thank you. And please call me Selina.
- Excuse me?
- Shall we begin?
- Oh, yes. Yes.
- Would you like to lead the way?
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, you'd like to go first?
- Oh, we can...
- We can go together? Yes?
- In tandem.
- Yes? Yes?
- We shall go.
I have a gift for you.
We hope that when you come to our country,
you will go fishing.
Because no one will feed me?
Because you love fishing.
I don't, actually. How baffling.
No, but it is still a beautiful gift.
We also have a gift for you
of famous Finnish birds.
Oh, I have it. I have it.
What a lovely clock with an unusual bird.
It's an Angry Bird.
And why is it so angry?
Because it wants to
destroy all of the pigs.
Oh, of course. It's an Angry Bird.
It is an app. It is a computer game.
It is a successful Finnish export
that we give to you to reflect Finland's
place as a pioneer of software innovation.
Indeed. I'm a huge fan.
- You have played it?
- Yes. Yes.
Although violence in games is a concern.
But in this case, it's
great fun to kill the pigs
in a game, of course.
- The inscription...
Yes, it reads, "Finland, you are hefty."
That is the wrong word.
Yes, it is ironic, no?
Because Americans have a much greater
body mass index than the Finns.
Ah. Which is why I have recently launched
my Get Moving campaign,
which is aimed specifically at the obese
and the morbidly obese.
Why do you hate numbers so much?
Oh, God, you weren't molested
by a math teacher, were you?
Let's go in here. Oh.
- Hi, Kent.
- We have a problem, Mike.
I'm gonna get you a stat summary ASAP, sir.
- I am a Metric Dreamweaver, sir.
- This is not a Dream Metric issue.
Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron?
Fire-rimmed, all-seeing eye
from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
I think I caught it on a plane once.
The Eye of Sauron is the near perfect
analogue for the modern media.
If we can draw the Eye to Helsinki,
then it won't be looking
at what's going on here.
And what is exactly going on here?
I cannot tell you that, Mike.
Is Selina Gollum?
No, no, no. Enough of that ear swill.
Is what's going on what I think
is going on, Kent?
Are you working as a hatcheck girl now?
Oh, great. Did you see that?
The Attorney fucking General.
Look, we all know
that the lie is worse than the crime.
Look, you're nodding your head,
but you don't know what
the fuck I'm talking about.
- The song, it's...
- Close your ears, Mike.
One of the hostages in
Uzbekistan was a spy.
Now, some people knew
and didn't bother to inform Congress.
Other people, like Selina, did not know.
She went on record
denying that there was a spy.
So for the next 13 months,
we're gonna play who knew what when.
Then some of us are gonna go off
on the lecture circuit
and some of us are gonna go off to prison.
Now you can shake your head.
Christ, I hate knowledge.
May I introduce, please, my husband?
How do you do?
That hasn't happened in Washington
It is a pleasure to meet you.
Although I'm a little bit disappointed
you've not serenaded us.
Ah! The song.
Well, I hope you realize that
that was entirely in jest.
Yes. In fact, it is the presumption
of offense that has offended me.
Well, no offense was intended.
But your communications director
apologized specifically to me.
This gives the impression that I am somehow
humorless or petty. I am "neider."
- She is "neider."
- No, she's "neider."
Would you please excuse us
forjust one moment?
- For a moment, yeah.
So that song, unlike your career
as communications director, will not die.
So now you must go and apologize
for the apology.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Why are you still standing right here?
Here he comes. Virgin Atlantic.
Okay, guys, I want to apologize
for suggesting that the Prime Minister
may have been somehow personally offended
by the song, okay?
That's on me. That's my bad.
Are you gonna be apologizing for this
in about an hour or so?
- Blimey, that was quick.
We should keep this causing offense
and then apology cycle going.
You could step on my dress.
I could sneeze in your drink.
- It's funny.
- It is funny.
I could say you have a weird-shaped head.
Which of course you don't.
You have an ideal head,
Madam Prime Minister.
But I'm very relieved that you have
a sense of humor about it.
The Finns are famous
for their sense of humor.
Do you know the work of Aki Kaurisméki?
- The tennis player?
No. I'm joking. I'm joking now.
In fact, we in America are also famous
for our sense of humor.
But seriously, I'm so pleased
about the agreement
that we were able to sign today.
"Anteeksi" in Finnish,
it means, "I'm sorry."
But the press have added "Da."
- Oh, no.
To make "Danteeksi." Do you get it?
- Very amusing.
- You know the Finns are known
- for their sense of humor.
- Clearly, yeah.
Danteeksi, I need to apologize to you
because I think that this is going to be
The Neverending Sony.
As opposed to "story."
It's a wonderful country.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Good evening. Office of the Vice President.
It's 2:00 p.m., Sue.
Are you on antipsychotics or in Helsinki?
I need you to engorge the VP's schedule.
I want her charming the Helsinki people.
You want me to pad the Veep's schedule?
- Why, sir?
- POTUS wants hands shaken
and old women grinned at.
Please accept the necessity
of this as brute fact.
Ever since we got here,
all I've been doing is apologizing.
Okay? I've been apologizing
for canceling events,
then apologizing for putting them back on.
Then apologizing for apologizing.
I mean, I'm a fucking laughingstock.
If you burst into tears,
stay away from this dress.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Remember how we said
that none of the students was a spy
because if one of them was a spy,
it would have endangered
the lives of the other three
who were not spies?
Turns out one of them was a spy.
- Everything okay?
- OSMO: Hey, Danteeksi.
The President told the Veep that was bullshit
and she is on record saying that's bullshit.
Just keep her away from the press.
She's already on lockdown
'cause of the song.
Shall I put her in an iron mask?
Yeah, great idea.
Would you be offended
if I just had a quick word
with the finance minister?
Oh, no, not at all.
Your wife is so lovely.
Yes, I'm quite a fortunate man.
Well, you are. What a lovely thing to say.
I'm dying for a smoke.
Oh, yeah. Boy, tell me about it.
I could use a cigarette myself.
- I don't suppose that you...
- Yes, that would be wonderful.
This is my bag man, Gary Walsh.
This is the Prime Minister's husband,
I believe in Finland bag man is kassi.
Well, I'll see you outside.
Yes, yes. Thank you very much.
- That impressed him.
Okay, this is cigarette number six for you.
Okay, you need to calm
the fuck down, Judge Judy.
I've been negotiating my ass off all day.
And it's number five, by the way.
I just want to avoid an incident.
The Finns are very anti-smoking.
Cool it, kassi.
- That's a relief.
I think it's just wonderful
how supportive you are
of Minna's career, her job, you know?
Oh, well, it's only
the Prime Minister of Finland.
Less power than the Mayor of Cleveland.
Your Secret Service
look about as tough as mine.
Shall we get them to fight?
Although, seeing as these
cigarettes are the thing
that's most likely going to kill me,
I'm surprised that my Secret...
Hey. Hey, I got you some breath fresheners.
I got you some Altoids
and I got you some gum.
Gary, my boob.
- He grabbed it.
I'm the Vice President
of the United States of America.
He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.
Okay, I'm gonna go mess him up.
- Just let me know.
Are you quite feeling all right?
You're very pale.
Perhaps you should go to the courtyard,
get some fresh air.
- No, thank you.
This is Erkki.
He is our head of economic development.
Yes, he has only two anecdotes.
Neither of them is worth hearing.
I just got a text from the White House.
- Nothing bad, I hope.
Just a major violation of a border.
You get this in a text?
The only text I get is from my husband
saying I am being late home again.
- Might want to...
- Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.
- Oh, my God.
- Did you see?
- Oh, my God. How could you not?
- Did you see this?
- Yes. Yes.
I'm gonna get you some water.
He looks like a Disney villain.
(GARY SPEAKING FINNISH)
Jesus, Gary. You look leukemic.
I always do. That's my look.
Yeah, well, you are rocking that look
pretty hard tonight, my friend.
Quite a night.
I'll fucking say.
Did Gary just text you?
- Gary knows?
Jesus, Mike's gone viral.
We're talking about
- POTUS lying about the spy.
- Osmo groped me.
- He what?
- He fucking what?
- Did you tell her?
- He... He...
He told me those rumors weren't true.
Can you believe that monster?
- Wait, wait, wait. What happened?
- What did you say?
- He groped her.
- POTUS groped you?
POTUS wouldn't have the balls to grope me.
- He knew and he lied?
- Wait, wait, knew what? Lied about what?
POTUS knew that the student was a spy
and didn't inform
the Congressional Intel Committee.
- Shit! Shit!
- What were you talking about?
Osmo groped me.
We need to rain down the full might
of our nuclear arsenal on Finland.
That's the other thing
I forgot to tell you.
We're gonna blow up Finland.
KENT: Can I help you?
BEN: Where the fuck you been?
Don't tell me. You've been polling.
I bet when you take a crap,
it actually comes out as a number two.
Listen, we've got to tell the President
that he has to admit
that this student was a spy.
I'm still collating whether
admitting is the best course.
I can't believe you're still checking
the fucking wind direction.
I need more time before the truth
can emerge in such a...
Yeah, the blank looks
are not gonna play here, all right?
You two have been caught
with your balls in grandma's mouth.
Everybody's talking about
it up on the Hill.
I know what I know.
I don't know what you think you know.
Screw you and your Confucius
grasshopper bullshit, all right?
Everybody's gonna know.
That's just the way these things go.
Now people think POTUS lied
about that kid being a spy.
I want to know what you two spunk junkies
propose we do about it.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Sorry, Kent, I just had
a quick question about...
Do they know? Laurel and Retardy?
Tell you what, Mike.
I need you to add these summaries
to the rollout overview. Okay? Go.
- Round two.
- Senator Doyle.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Well, I hope I get my five free punches.
I'm the fucking chair of Senate Intel,
which means that I'm supposed
to be informed of any covert action.
We're all on the same team here, right?
Right, Team Fuckup.
Yeah, I got my membership card
- I can't find it.
- You need to look at the bigger picture.
I've seen the bigger picture.
Shows POTUS lying to the American people.
I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis.
This is at least 10 years
of Oliver Stone movies.
Yeah, not the good ones. Not Platoon.
DOYLE: What the fuck
is wrong with you, Kent?
Seriously, when you pull the pin out,
you're supposed to throw the grenade away.
You don't stick it up
your own freakin' ass.
That I'd like to see.
- I need a cigarette.
- Oh, God.
No, not, "Oh, God."
Just get me the goddamn cigarette.
The President, the one I support,
the one that I am loyal to as my job,
lies to me. Right?
Okay, after I apologized for apologizing,
I started to put meet-the-people events
back in your schedule.
Cancel them all and
apologize for cancelling.
Oh, Jesus, more apologizing? Really?
I apologized less
after I banged my brother's fiance.
What are you bitching about?
Are you kidding?
I'm the one who's under pressure.
Get it together, lady.
What about the grope? I mean, come on.
- Thank you.
- That is an attack on America.
That's like a sexual 9/11 in my opinion.
Or a sexual Cuban missile
crisis at the least.
It's not like we can go
public about the grope.
- It would define you.
Your tit being fondled by a Finn
would be all you're remembered for.
- You can't build a statue on that.
That's right. Nobody can know about this.
- All right? Especially Kent.
- Oh, yeah.
And why is that?
Because he's gonna use it against me.
- A grope matrix.
Because he's a man.
Because this is a man's
world that we live in.
Because of the axis of dick.
This fish is delicious.
- What is this fish?
- It is chicken.
- The breast?
In America, we actually call fish
"chicken of the sea."
OSMO: I love fish.
Some men do not like the taste. I do.
Madam Prime Minister,
I don't believe I've had a chance
to introduce you to Gary Walsh.
No. No, you have not.
I'm the VP's bag man,
which I believe in Finland you say kassi.
- Excuse me?
- I'm a kassi.
Where did you get this translation from?
I have a Finnish friend in DC
who works at the embassy
and she gave me lessons before I came.
You see, kassi is bag,
but it's not bag man.
It is a man bag. You know? (GRUNTS)
It is a container.
It is a testicle container.
- (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Oh, no. Don't feel ashamed, Gary.
Because, of course, you're not a ball sack.
And not everyone can say
that they're not...
Excuse me, I'm so sorry...
A ball sack.
Not even everyone at this very table.
Kent wants me to add these regional
summaries from the thumb drive.
All right, how do you add?
Command A, hombre.
I always thought it was control A.
Okay, here we go. Send.
Shit, maybe it was control A.
I think you might have selected all
and sent everything that
was on that thumb drive.
- That's what you told me to do.
- No, I didn't.
- You said command A.
- No, I said control A.
You just couldn't hear me
because you didn't have your ear trumpet.
I feel like I want to burn this thing.
Can I burn this computer?
Why would you burn that, Mike?
Mike? Excuse me.
We just sent out Kent's
polling consultation on the spy.
One of the hostages was a spy.
Oh, fuck you, Mike.
You're career poison. Do you know that?
Jesus, that's why you like sailing,
because you're a fucking anchor
dragging promising careers down
to the bottom of the fucking ocean.
Stop it. This was just phase one stuff.
Sample questions like,
"What if the President lied?"
But not that. That sounds bad.
It was more coded, which still is bad.
I mean, it would have
gotten out anyway, right?
This is the Internet age.
Nothing stays a secret.
- Yeah, yeah, and it's DC.
- It's DC. Everybody here talks.
Yeah, look, all we got to do is stay calm.
- We just got to stay calm.
- Keep walking, avoid any...
It doesn't work like that. Mike, hold up.
If you'd see the way I framed the question,
you'd understand that.
Well, tell that to Oprah
when you mount your comeback.
I mean, you sent it to me
and every second bozo in the building.
- No, I didn't.
- What the fuck were you thinking?
Look, you marked it highly confidential,
that this thing is gonna go viral.
The Vice President was groped
by the Finnish Prime Minister's husband.
What? Why are you telling me that?
- That's just weird.
- Yeah, that's really unfortunate.
Was that up in the hills,
or down in the valley?
Sir, I was thinking the Eye of Sauron,
Keep the focus on Helsinki.
- Well, congratulations, Kent.
You just brought down this presidency.
Well, the weather here in Helsinki has been
Kent's polling data got e-mailed.
POTUS's spy lie just went public.
Okay, we're pulling out.
Let's go, shortest Q&A ever.
Guys, okay, we've got
some weather to contend with,
so we only have time for three questions.
You will be hearing from me.
- Yes? Yes?
- Yes. Yes.
- Good-bye. Oh!
Two more questions.
Was the visit about the agreement
or the song?
We are very pleased about the agreement
and we are agreed on that.
And that was actually two questions,
so I'm afraid we gotta go.
Where I come from,
we kill people for looking at us funny.
We waterboard folks
who haven't even done anything.
And you raped my tit.
- Oh, yeah, you did.
So I'm coming for you,
'cause I'm an Angry Bird right now
and you're a Pig-
BRITISH REPORTER: Selina! Selina!
Will you apologize for the spy?
Did the President know
that one of the hostages was CIA?
- Did you know?
- I stand with the President.
"I stand With the President"?
Why did I say that?
Can we pretend you didn't say it?
What will people think I mean?
That you stand with the President.
I mean, there's not a ton
of ambiguity with that one.
Well, who knew that being
wouldn't be the worst thing
to happen in my day, huh?
That's something for the memoirs.
I am never going back there.
"Danteeksi"? I'm sorry.
Sorry I ever set foot in that fucking
fish-eating, indie film fucking hellhole.
Come on. Get over it.
I told everybody I was a scrotum.
Yeah, you did, didn't you?
- It's okay.
- Did you hear that?
- He's not.
- Ma'am, are you okay?
I don't know. I guess so. Sure.
I mean, would it be so hard
for people not to be assholes?
I wouldn't know.
Why are you coughing, ma'am?
Because I caught a cold.
Oh, look, I just found out
who that British reporter is.
The creepy guy.
He was like a noisy fucking ghost, really.
What's his name? I'll Google him.
- Dave Wickford.
- Dave Wickford.
Yeah, it says divorced twice, no kids.
57 Twitter followers.
That's shit for a journalist.
SELINA: Europe used to be
my favorite continent. (COUGHS)
Now it's not even in my top 5.