Upload (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Five Stars - full transcript

(MOANING, KISSING)

Did you bring protection?

I consent to this.

I consent to this.

(MOANING)

(PANTING)

That was surprisingly nice.

Oh, yeah. (GRUNTS)

Five stars, huh?

Wait, you're leaving?

I thought you said
we would talk after.



Oh. We're talking.

We're agreeing to give
each other five stars.

That's talking, right?

Wow, uh...

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

So...?

(SCOFFS)

You would've given me six stars
if you could've, huh?

(SIGHS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

"Byron said:

"Hair shorter than pics,
clingy vibe.

Four stars"?

Entitled motherfucker.



BYRON: Hey!

Asshole!

(SIGHS)

- Delete Nitely app.
- (BEEPS)

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(STAMMERS)

Mr. Brown.

(GROANS)

Mr. Brown!

(GROANS)

(DOGS PANTING, WHINING)

Ugh, hey, uh,
I have mandatory pet therapy...

(CLEARS THROAT) 'cause I tried
to kill myself yesterday.

Oh, Mr. Brown.

Well, one of our floofers
or puppers will cheer you up.

Take your pick.

Okay.

- (SIGHS)
- (GOAT BLEATS)

LUKE: Hey, man.

Oh, hey.

You want Ernie?
He's awesome, and I'm done.

- No, I was gonna... Oh, okay, yep.
- (GRUNTING)

Okay.

Thank you.

(GROANS) Why do they
program him to shed?

Hey, Ernie,
you're a little cutie.

- Yeah.
- So I understand

you were in
a bad place yesterday.

You want to talk about it?

Uh...

Okay.

Do I keep petting you, or...?

It's only weird
if you make it weird.

Okay.

I've never done therapy.

Although, my girlfriend
started last year.

Interesting.

So I'm supposed to
do what exactly?

Let's start with why you were

going to throw yourself
in the torrent.

Right, the torrent.

(SIGHS) I guess I...

Also, this session's
being recorded

for quality purposes. Go on.

I had a great life.

I was young, healthy,
great body,

great face,

great hair, great skin,

great teeth,

great eyes, great abs, great...

Sounds like you had
every kind of privilege

and you never questioned it.

Then, bam,
self-driving car crash?

That's not fair.

Now I live in this
weird fantasy world

with my girlfriend's grandma.

Life's not fair.

Neither is digital
life extension.

What's fair
and what should happen,

that's just in your head.

- Super.
- You have to make your own meaning.

What makes life worth living
for you? Uh, uh...

Y-You're petting me
extremely hard right now.

Sorry, you're stressing me out.

What's the meaning of life
in ten seconds? Come on.

Think of it as
your bare minimum.

What do you need so you won't
dive into that thing?

I guess I just
still want to be a man.

Well, what does that mean?

Good question.

I want to be independent

and capable.

When you're young, people
have to do everything for you,

and then you grow up
and you become a man

and-and people rely on you.

Kids look up to you.
Women want to be with you.

You know?

I had that, or...

I was on my way to that.

Mm-hmm.

I'm going to give you
an assignment.

Talk to at least five
of your fellow uploads,

take notes, then find me,

and maybe you made a friend
who makes it all feel worth it.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

Well, I'll just
wipe this off first.

LUCY: Myra,

I have a drone
follow you everywhere,

and every single day,
you give her sweets in the park.

Now, today, get her to eat
the Rachel Ray Junior

steamed squash I printed
this morning and nothing else,

or I will fire you.

- (SIGHS)
- Should I come back later?

No, it's fine. Come in.

I met with my bank,

and they approved the loan
for my dad's upload. Yay!

Uh, as long as my employer...
That-that's you...

Um, confirms in writing
that I qualify

for the employee discount.

What was wrong with him again?

Dad has vape lung.

He thought it was safer
than smoking,

then all the studies came out.

I thought he didn't believe
in upload.

Well, he's still being
a bit of a Ludd about it,

but, um, you know, when he sees
I've spent the money, I...

You know, I don't feel
comfortable signing this.

You need a 4.6 employee rating
to qualify for that discount.

Right now,
you're at 4.598, so...

Come on, I'm-I'm-I'm so close.

Here's what I'll do.

You could hit a 4.6 today,

but then you could
slip under tomorrow.

You hit a 4.8,

and I'll sign this letter
as written, no prob.

But I-I just need you
to sign it right...

Those are my rules.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(BIRDS SINGING)

- Hey, bud.
- Shh!

I'm Nathan. I'm new.

Seriously, shut up.

Is anyone looking for me?

No. Coast is clear.

(EXHALES)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, shit.

Thanks a lot.

What?

What the hell?

(GRUNTING)

Come here, you little...

Oh, fuck. Uh, Angel?

Hey.

What the hell is going on here?
Did I do this?

(GRUNTING, GROANING)

(CHUCKLES) No.

Dylan's been here for years.

He fell off a cliff
on a school trip.

He gets bored,

so he has all the AI guys

set to Street Fighter
in game mode.

Game mode. Cool.

How are you?

- Feeling better today?
- Yeah, yeah, a little.

Uh, I have a special assignment
from my therapist.

- It's called The Five People You Meet in Upload.
- Those are mine.

Mine, mine, mine.

I need to go around
and introduce myself to five

- of the other uploads.
- Those are mine. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

I guess he thinks communication

- is really important.
- Will you please back off?

Hello?

Nora, did I lose you?

You know, just don't have
any expectations,

then you won't get disappointed.

Nah, not me.
You get what you expect in life,

so I expect the best.

Well, I'm sure
you'll get the best

here at Horizen Lakeview.

Is there anything else?

Did I say something wrong?

As your customer service
representative,

it is my job to be of service
with any issues.

Are there any specific issues?

No.

Thank you for using Horizen.

(GRUNTING)

- (RESOUNDING BOOM)
- (AI GUY YELPS)

(DEVICE CHIMES)

God, you are a sight
for sore eyes.

I'm so sorry I didn't
call you back today, babe.

Nonstop funeral planning.

There's so much to do
before tonight.

Flowers, gift bags.

Well, maybe I can help
from here.

I'm sure there's a ton of
meaningful stuff you could do,

but don't get mad at me...
I did it all already.

- (CHUCKLES)
- WOMAN: Hold still.

Ow! (GASPS) Ooh.

- What was that?
- It's just stem cells.

I can't wait to upload so
I don't have to work this hard.

You're so lucky.

I'm sorry, I-I don't mean that

the way that it... sounded.

No, you're right, it, uh...
it is nice here.

- Vaginaplasty, miss?
- Come again?

Um, I'm getting ready
for my boyfriend's funeral.

So, no?

Yeah. No.

(WHISPERS): Wow.

After the funeral tonight,
you want to rent a VR sex suit,

sleep over?

Duh! Yes.

There's a shop on Melrose
with amazing Yelp reviews.

I need you to close your eyes
and mouth.

Oh, babe, she's putting bees
on my face.

Gotta go. Love you.

Love you, too. Bye.

(BEES BUZZING)

They're really mad today.

(BIRDS CHIRPING,
INSECTS TRILLING)

(IMITATES ROCK DRUMMING)

♪ Now everybody ♪

♪ Have you heard ♪

♪ If you're in the game ♪

♪ Then the stroke's the word ♪

♪ Ba da wa da wa ♪

♪ Grab your vial ♪

♪ Bwee ba do, bwee ba do ♪

♪ Stroke me, stroke me ♪

♪ Could be a winner, boy,
you move quite well ♪

♪ Stroke me, stroke me ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da
da da da. ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪

(DEVICE BEEPS)

Hey. Yeah, what the hell?

I thought we said 10:30.

You told me to meet you
at the courts, man.

Well, I'm here,
and I don't see you anywhere.

So, what's in the news?

Um, I'm not Siri,
so look up your own news.

Yeah, yeah, you're not Siri.

'Cause who'd program Siri
to be so grumpy?

I don't have to smile for you.

I'm on break.

I just have stuff on my mind.

Shitty Nitely last night?

- Insulting. Uh...
- (NATHAN CHUCKLES)

I'm not discussing
my Nitely hookups with you.

Look up your own damn porn.

Hey, I have no
earthly needs anymore.

I was asking out of a purely
spiritual desire to help.

Wait, you're joking, right?

Because you're supposed to
continue to have earthly needs.

Lack of sexual interest
is a sign of depression.

Yes, I was joking.

And everything works okay?

I mean... I'm required to ask.

You can still, uh...

Look up your own damn porn!

Oh, please. Yeah, right.

Is there anything left
to talk about?

Because I have 47 other clients.

So what? Let 'em wait.

We're all dead here anyway.

- (DEVICE BEEPING)
- WOMAN: Angel.

Angel, I'm stuck in my closet.

Fixing that. Yes, ma'am.

Happy to provide
five-star service.

Are you sure you're okay?

I'll be fine.

So, what big plans today?

Water aerobics? Golf?

Oh, me? Uh, I have
homework from a dog,

and, uh, tonight,
my own funeral,

simulcast in Lakeview,
New York and L.A., so...

yeah, same old, same old.

Well, if you need me

for personal shopping,
technical service

or wrapping up
of unfinished business,

whatever...

(PLAYFUL ACCENT):
I'm a resource. Use me.

Right. So...

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, cool boots.

Yeah.

I'm Nathan.
I live across the hall.

Hey, you look familiar.

Did you play the mayor
in Robocop?

(LAUGHING): No.

I'm David Choak.

Of, like, the Choak brothers?

Yeah.

We live on the same floor?

That's weird.

Well, I've got
25,000 square feet

and a 12-acre backyard
once you go through that door,

so I suppose it is
a little weird.

What did you do?

Uh, game designer.
Yeah, freeware.

And a little modeling
in college.

I mean, it's no big deal.
Mostly catalog work.

A couple commercials.

Not much money in freeware.

No.

And what did you do? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, not much. (CHUCKLES)

Just co-ran the second-largest

privately owned company
in the world

and influenced American politics
for a generation.

Yeah, no, I-I know.

So, these free games...
Uh, anything with duck hunting?

No. Uh, my friend and I
are making an app.

It's called...

Um, it...

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

I'm blanking on the name.

You're blanking on the name
of your own app?

Yeah, I-I've been having
some memory gaps.

I guess I'm just
a little death-lagged.

Um, we wrote a program
that allows anyone

to save their own uploads.

So you can create
your own digital afterlife

and pass it down to friends
or family for free.

(LAUGHS)

So you got murdered.

(CHUCKLES)

No. I-I was in a car accident.

(CHUCKLING): Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you just, uh, threatened

a 600-billion-dollar-a-year
industry,

and no one murdered you.

(LAUGHS, SIGHS)

Nobody murders anybody.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (BIRDS SINGING)

Okay. Well, he sucks.

This dog better know
what it's doing.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Good morning,
Mr. Brown. Where to?

Uh, actually, car,
this is Fran Booth.

I've been asked
by the Brown family

to investigate
the November 24 crash.

Do you know where you are?

4499 Spaulding.

Correct.

Damage scan, please?

No damage to report.

- You are clearly very damaged.
- No.

(CHUCKLING): Okay, car.

Uh, pull up dashcam footage
from 11:00 to 11:37 p.m.

on the night of the crash.

Can't find anything.

But you were in motion,
so your cameras were activated.

Who are you again?

Where are the recordings?

Interesting.

♪ ♪

(BELL JINGLES)

WOMAN:
Hi. You look a little lost.

Can I help you?

Hi. Yes. Um, I'm looking
to rent a sex suit.

It's my boyfriend's
funeral tonight,

and I want it
to be special for him.

Well, you know
how they work, right?

The fingers
on the inside inflate,

and since everything's better
wet, just use it in the tub.

Did you say fingers?

Setup can be fun
because everything's adjustable.

You can make him hung like a
horse, add chest hair, whatever.

He can even give you
bigger boobs, extra boobs.

Whatever you want.

They really clean them well.

Oh, God, yeah. We have to.

You wouldn't believe what
we pull out of them sometimes.

It's not just a sex suit.

Old people want
to hug their grandkids,

and the kids throw up in there.

Ugh, people think they can do
anything in a rental.

(DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE)

Hey, where are you going?

(SIGHS) Nora?

I mean, Angel.

Seriously?
I do have other clients.

Hey, um, I thought of something
maybe you can help me with.

I can't remember everything.

- Everybody forgets stuff.
- Yeah, but shouldn't I know

the name of the project
I was working on last week?

Wait, you don't?

No. I mean, maybe there wasn't
enough storage space,

or I don't want
to sound paranoid,

but what if something
was edited?

I mean, I can remember
my high school prom,

but I used to know every word
to the big song

we danced to, and now nothing.

Okay? It's just blank.

That must be scary.

Fuck yeah. It is. It's like...

you know, am I still me
if something's missing?

And-and is it just random
what I'm forgetting? I...

I have this awful feeling,
like I left the gas on.

You know, like whatever
I'm forgetting could just...

blow up my family.

Yikes.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, what song?
- What?

What was your big prom song?

- "Uptown Funk."
- (CHUCKLES)

Me, too. Um...

Okay. Um...

♪ This hit, that ice cold,
Michelle Pfeiffer ♪

♪ That white gold... ♪
Anything?

- Go on.
- ♪ This one for them ♪

♪ Good girls, them hood girls ♪

♪ Straight masterpieces ♪

♪ Stylin', wilin',
livin' it up in the city ♪

BOTH: ♪ Got Chucks on
with Saint Laurent ♪

♪ Gotta kiss myself,
I'm so pretty ♪

- ♪ Too hot ♪
- BOTH: ♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Call the police
and the fireman ♪

♪ I'm too hot, hot damn ♪

♪ Say my name,
you know who I am ♪

♪ Girls, hit
your hallelujah, whoo ♪

♪ Girls, hit your
hallelujah, whoo ♪

- ♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪
- (CHUCKLES)

♪ 'Cause uptown funk
gonna give it to ya ♪

♪ 'Cause uptown funk gonna
give it to ya ♪

♪ Saturday night
and we in the spot ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Hey, dun-na-nah... ♪
Ooh, shit.

Got to go.

(CHUCKLES)

(QUIETLY): ♪ Uptown funk... ♪

Hey. I'm Nathan. I'm new here.

Well, I see you've really
made yourself at home.

Okay.

Don't like him, either.

Hey, remember that
hot douchebag?

The one that
almost jumped yesterday?

Uh...

He might actually be a good guy.

You assembled every one
of his memories.

Wouldn't you know
if he was for real?

Yeah, but weirdly, some of his
dot-mem files are damaged.

- (INHALES SHARPLY)
- Yeah.

Ah... well, I feel you.

I wasn't paying attention
yesterday,

and I put this
hipster woman's experience

of natural childbirth
into an old male judge.

Freaked him the fuck out.

- Jesus, Leesha.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Whatever you do,

do not tell the dude
it was a fuckup.

He'll give you zero stars,

and you can't afford
to lose this job.

Well, neither can you.

Uh, I have my dog-walking gig,

I do hair, and I'm the night
manager at Falafel Halal.

I'll survive.

(GROANS) Angel!

Oh, my God.

(FRUSTRATED GRUNTING)

Hey, Dylan.

Finally, Angel.

None of these computers work.

I can't get through
to my best friend, Breck.

I've tried voice, text, video.

- Nothing works.
- Okay.

I'll call him IRL and figure out
how to get you connected.

Get ready to give me five stars.

We'll see.

No, Dylan was my best friend,

in seventh grade,
and I'm sorry he died,

but he's still 11,
and I'm 18 now.

I don't want Pokémon anymore.

- Look, I understand.
- I want pussy.

Dude. Really?

You know,
friends do drift apart.

No. Not my best friend.

Not Breck.

You're messing up somehow.

Yeah.

Probably.

You tried your best.

It just wasn't good enough.

- Wait, let me...
- Sorry.

Yeah, I'm, uh,
disappointed, too.

(ELECTRONIC CHIMING)

Aah! (LAUGHS)

Ah, it's too easy.

Dart around more!

And make duck sounds!

Quack! Quack!

(PANTING): Quack.

Quack.

You're doing good!

Three stars?

Come on, man. (SIGHS)

- Angel.
- What?

What do you want?

Thank you. What do you need?

Thanks. That's nice.

Okay, I'm not sure
what I did to deserve that,

but it's nice to get.

(LAUGHS) Okay, you got to be
breaking the rules or something,

'cause I'm sure
you're not supposed to keep

giving me five stars
for nothing.

(CHUCKLES) All right.

I-I should do something
to earn these.

Ta-da.

Okay, seriously,
what can I do for you?

Just ask me anything.

You know what you can do for me?
You can tell me what's wrong.

'Cause you've been all like...
(GROWLING)

all day.

You got an hour?

I have infinity.

Well, you know what?
In one sense,

it's just as bad as Nitely.

You know, you have to keep
pleasing people,

and you can't let
your numbers down.

- Emotional work is real work.
- Yeah. Exactly.

And I can't walk away
from the job.

- Why not?
- My dad. My-my dad's dying.

- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- Yeah, it sucks.

And-and my mom died unexpectedly
a few years ago.

(GROANS) - Exactly! And-and Dad
doesn't think heaven could be heaven

without Mom in it, which means
he's... he's basically okay

with not being with me,

which I might find romantic
if it wasn't so insulting.

But really, I just feel like
he's clinically depressed

and not thinking straight.

I mean, so he isn't saving
anything for upload.

That's just all on me.

I mean, he might not even use it
if I pay for it.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

I guess my biggest fear
is he'll die, too,

and my last connection
to childhood

is just gone.

And I won't ever find
anyone who...

understands me like that or...

loves me unconditionally.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Well, thanks.

I feel a lot better.

I didn't do anything but listen.

Pretend I'm giving you
five stars.

♪ ♪

NATHAN:
I met five new uploads today,

and I didn't like any of them.

You do seem
less stressed, though.

Well, the staff is nice.

So, no more killing yourself?

Not today, and, uh,
I can't tonight.

I have my funeral. So, see you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Ugh! That sucked.
- NATHAN: I don't know.

I think it went okay.

I fucking froze.

You were good. I'll admit.

"We at Beyond
believe your income

shouldn't determine
your digital afterlife"?

Where'd you get that
economic inequality rap?

- NATHAN: It's just the truth, man.
- Great stuff.

Inspired tap dancing, brother.

You think Cavern Investments
will bite?

Christ! Our next pitch
isn't for three weeks.

- Do we even have enough cash...?
- Gentlemen!

(PANTING):
Has anyone heard your idea?

Anyone from the big companies?

NATHAN: Uh, just our families
and my girlfriend.

Good. Don't tell anyone else.

We're ready to take this
full round ourselves.

(CHIMES)

♪ ♪