United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Road to Hell Is Paved with Breast Intentions - full transcript

Previously on
"United States of Tara"...

Charmaine: Premature labor
induced via volkswagen?

I don't know how you're gonna
top that one, Tara!

I don't want you in here
with the baby, Tara.

You know your sister is ill,

but you're the one
who's in trouble, miss,

and you're just letting her
go on and on

about all these
stupid little things.

[ As Alice ]
A mother should never lie.

I don't want
to see mom and dad.

[ Keyboard clacking ]



We are going to
draw up a contract.

I want to do a paper on this.
I'm not a lab rat.

What's this?
Her declaration of co-dependence.

What do you... what do you want with her?
I think I can help her.

There are rules
about when and where

the alters
can take over the body

and punishment for those
who go against the agreement.

We could either make a movie

about how complicated it is
living with your mother

or we could make a movie
about how much I masturbate.

Something's going on
with you two.

No, there isn't!
Yes, there is.

I'm nobody's third.

Can I go now?



I don't care what you do,
trainee.

Ahh!
[ Gasps ]

Uh... Bunny: Welcome to skykans.

Held her close.
I laid her down.

I even killed a goat
and made an offering to Satan.

Nothing fucking works!

You know, this would be
a hell of a lot easier

if I could actually
touch the baby.

You want to show her?

Yeah.

You did this.

[ Laughs ]

[ Crows cawing ]

[ Cawing continues ]

[ Cawing stops ]

I mean,
it never happens that way.

Buck listened to me.

The contract works.

And those fucking crows.

You know, they're actually
supposed to be songbirds,

but I'm telling you,

they are singing the worst song
you can possibly think of.

Oh, that's Billy Joel...
"allentown."

[ Chuckles ]

I wanted buck to kill the bird,
and so he killed the bird.

But more important than that,
when he was done,

I wanted him to leave,
and he did.

I mean, this is a big deal.

I agree.
It's a very big deal.

But you're smirking.

Yeah, I always smirk
when I'm listening.

And I find people having
emotional breakthroughs

very funny.

It just feels like
everything's different now.

The alters used to be these...

These assholes making messes,

but they were all
actually helping.

T is even in a.A.

What I really want to know
from you

is about the stuff
you do not want to talk about.

I-I'm telling you
everything.

Well, you haven't mentioned
your husband.

Let's have a look.

Husband says, "man, you know,

"kids are all gonna grow up
and stuff.

You gonna still be crazy
and a bunch of people?"

And you replied, "hmm.

Well, I'll have to think
about that."

Did you ever
really talk about it?

Well...

[ Silverware clatters ]

[ Grunts lightly ]

We did talk about it.

No, you had sex.
Didn't talk about it.

[ Sighs ]

I'm doing fine.

I'm never fine.

Me? Doing fine?

It's actually amazing.

So fine's the top?
That's all you want, is fine?

No better than fine?

And in the event
of a water landing,

you're probably
going to be like,

"why is there water
between Kansas City and Tulsa?"

It could happen.

You should exit
in an orderly fashion.

Also, there is a serious
lack of booze on this flight.

Our pilot,
he's religious or something.

Very boring.
Stone-cold sober.

Still...

Thank you.

I have one tiny
bottle of booze left,

and it is reserved for someone

who can do a tiny favor for me
in Tulsa.

Any takers?

Oh. You over there.

Uh...
[ Clears throat ]

That guy...
I know that guy,

and if you need something
important to be done,

he's not the guy.

Oh, you're the guy.

I'm Evan.
I know Tulsa.

It's a terrible city...
smells like feet.

But, unfortunately,
I do know it.

That guy has to stop at every
mirror just to look at his hair.

And you clearly
don't have that problem.

Ooh. Yeah. I, uh, just wake up
looking this way.

Fine.

Yes.

Await my instructions.

You couldn't have waited for me
before starting to eat?

Hey, at least
I invited you here.

And I appreciate it, Neil,

but still,
it's the least you could do.

[ Sighs ]

Got any pictures?

Oh, she's absolutely beautiful.

Why am I sitting in a diner

and not pinching
those fat, fat cheeks?

Well, Charmaine
doesn't know I'm here.

And the top of her head,
how does it smell?

All sweet and milky, right?

It's the greatest smell
in the world.

Hmm.

So, why did you ask me here?

What do you want?

Uh...
[ Clears throat ]

Nothing. Nothing.

I want my little girl
to meet her Nana,

and I want
to put my family together.

Thanks, mom.

Please reconsider
before calling me that.

What the hell is
"flower bee beautiful" spray?

Oh, that's perfume.

We spray perfume on flowers

'cause flowers
don't smell good enough.

A dab on the wrist.

Dab behind the ear.

Hey, that's probably poison.

Yeah, that's right.

I work in a place
where we put poison on flowers.

You know, there's green dye
in the lawn spray

so we can trick people
into thinking we do a good job.

It's just a job.

Hey, slow down,
Fred flintstone.

I love ribs, Max.
Let me love the things I love.

You know, when we first met,
you were in a band.

You only got into landscaping
because we were dumb kids

suddenly impregnated
with responsibility.

Marshall will make films.

Kate can...
Go around the world.

Let them like their jobs.

Well, let's give up on life
'cause we're old.

No.
It's not that simple.

I mean, you never came home in
the middle of the day for lunch

when we had four winds.

We go to work
so we can come home

and rip off our clothes
on this table.

[ Scoffs ]

I know we didn't have sex
on this table the other night.

I knew it was t.

Oh, you did, really?

Yeah. I'm not new at this.
Of course it was t.

She wanted me to spit in her ear
when she came.

So romantic.

Look...I want you.

Just you.

I don't want
the minor leaguers.

And if you can't make it...
I'll wait.

Sure, yeah, I'll be...
I'll be a little pissed,

but it has to be you.

Okay?

It looks like shit.

No.

I-I get where you're going
with this...

the house, the town.

This is the kind of film
we're making.

Yeah.

Yeah, a film with no actors,

um, no help,
a terrible set in my basement.

Thank you, Lionel.

I think we bring something
to this that Lionel can't,

like lights
and... and lenses

and the ability
to turn a fucking camera on.

[ Chuckles ]
He should call his film

"wait, wait.
What does this button do?"

[ High-pitched ]
"What does the red light mean?"

[ Normal voice ] Anything
in here that we can use?

No.
Uh, don't go in there.

It's a movie
about your family, right?

We need the personal.

A secret box?
We have to use it.

Any old fucked-up videos
in here?

I'm sure
they're all fucked-up.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Crying ]

I think she's hungry.
Are you hungry?

Are you hungry, cassandra?

Oh, don't bother
with "cassandra."

Neil won.

She'll only respond to "wheels"

and sometimes
Chinese curse words.

Yeah.
Neil's weird.

Here. Feed her.

There's nothing
coming out of these.

[ Crying stops ] It'll happen.

No. She keeps sucking, and she's
getting nothing from me.

It's kind of like Andy centino
in high school.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, God.

Do you think
maybe it's psychosomatic?

I mean, did you cover that
in your class yet?

Well, I'll check the syllabus,
but I think we, uh,

we study the psychology of
your breasts after the midterm.

No, I have a lot of anxiety

about breast-feeding
with implants.

I mean, I'm feeding
foreign bodies to my child.

Where'd you hear that?

The Mel Gibson tapes.

That's what you got
out of the Mel Gibson tapes?

Well, he's not wrong
about everything.

[ Sighs ]

Bev: Yeah, I want to get her
one of those bugaboo strollers.

They're supposed to...

Neil, be careful
with that, okay?

[ As t ] I am out of here.

You lookin' old, bitch!

Tara: She repels me,
and t knows that.

She kept me
from getting suckered

into all that
my terrible mother represents.

You know what I mean?

Not at all.

I get along very well
with my mother.

We talk all the time.

You know what I mean, though.

What are you
putting everywhere?

Rat traps.

What?! I don't want to know
there are rats in here!

Then don't think of them
as rat traps.

Think of them as mice traps
or rabbit traps

or... or kitten traps that,
when the kittens eat the bacon,

this bit will just come over
and stroke its back,

and they will live forever.

[ Laughs ]

Now...

Why won't you face your mother?

You're a powerful woman
on her way to health.

You don't have a very high
opinion of me, do you?

Well, you're a person.

I don't have a very high opinion
of people.

[ Scoffs ]

Why would you want
our innocent baby

to see the face of pure evil?

I mean, we discussed this.

I don't want any contact
with her and wheels.

What? You came around
to "wheels"!

Oh, fuck you, Neil.
Read the room.

Hey, hey.
You know what?

I brought her because
she has money, all right?

And we need money.

T-these whole foods
Kumbaya biodegradable diapers

are not free.

I don't want any cheap,
processed crap on our child.

Oh, oh.

So only the finest silks in all
the land will hold her feces?

If we need money so bad,
get a job.

G...

my brother offered me that job,

and you said no because
you didn't want me traveling.

You know what?
You get a job.

I am a mother.
That's a full-time job.

Plus, I have my etsy store.

You have... okay.

Well, then, let's fill a pool

with the $7
from your etsy store

and take
a fucking treasure bath.

We... you know what?

Give her
a little bit of baby time,

and she buys us lots of stuff.

Okay.
I washed them real good.

Now give her to me,
and then we can go to Macy's.

Wheels, meet your grandmama!

Yeah!

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, hi!
Hey.

I, uh, have the thing
that you wanted.

What?

* da da da *

it's Tully the Tulsa oil man.

Oh, wow!
[ Laughs ]

They were sold out,
but the manager found one.

Thanks.

You know, it would have sucked
if they ran out,

because I almost have
the whole set.

Uh-oh.
What happens then?

It's stupid.

But I go to all these places,

and I never see anything
outside of the airport.

So I figure if I get all the
burgernut candy dispensers,

I have something
to show for it.

You find yourself in situations
where you need

to prove to people
you've been to Tulsa, Oklahoma?

[ Laughs ]

I guess it's more
to prove to myself

that I can leave Kansas
whenever I want.

Oh, so you're from Kansas.

Mm. Overland park,
born and raised.

If you need any suggestions
for when we land,

I can recommend doing nothing,

seeing nobody, eating nowhere.

Ah.
Real suckfest.

Come on. I'm sure
you find ways to have fun.

Wouldn't you like to find out.

[ Toilet flushes ]

Uh...

Sorry.

Uh...

The bathroom's open.
Bathroom's open, so...

Go use it.

What?

Just "use it."

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

She asleep?

Yes. Finally.

And the baby is asleep, too.

God!

Mom would not shut up

about how you shunned her
or whatever.

I can't see her.

Before, I needed information.
Now I need nothing.

I want what Angelina
and jon voight have.

If she wants
to say something to me,

she can tell it
to people magazine.

I know. I envy those women
who don't have mothers.

What are they called?

Orphans.
Yeah.

Hi, girls.
God. Stalker.

Tara, can I talk to you
for a minute?

[ As Alice ] Oh, pity.
You just missed her.

This again?
Really? This?

Ask yourself a question,
Beverly.

I'm not doing this, Tara.

I'm not talking
to this Alice person.

Oh, but that's what
you should consider.

If your own daughter
won't speak to you,

how can you possibly
be a good mother?

I tried.
I always tried.

Sometimes...

a mother doesn't make excuses.
She just loves.

Care, discipline, affection...
all acts of love.

If you ever had
a different reason,

don't call yourself a mother.

I'm your mother.

I'm watching you, Beverly.

I have eyes everywhere.

Tara:
Then Alice said,

"this baby will always be
protected... from you."

And how did that make you feel?

[ Laughs ] Great!

I never say shit like that
to my mom. Who does?

Well, not you.
You didn't do anything.

So you can stop celebrating.

Nuh-unh. You can't have it
both ways, doc.

You say that I don't even have
alters and that it's all me,

but if they do something,
I can't say I did it, either?

You got to make a choice.

My ex-wife used to try
to make me apologize

for being mean in her dreams,

which I would not do.

I will not apologize for things
I don't believe I did,

and I will not take credit

for things I don't believe
I did, either.

Look, I get
why you think it's important,

but I don't want
to face my mom.

I don't care about her,
like, at all.

Then do it
because it is a hard thing.

And the other things
you care about...

husband, children,
painting murals...

these are hard things, too,
right?

Noah: This one looks
dance-recital-free.

Haven't the last six tapes
taught us

that every video can manage to
be about kids' dance recitals?

[ Vcr whirs ]

* lazy *

* got a feeling
that I could be something big *

my father
is an actual retarded person.

* I'd rather do nothing *

eh, they're just like
everybody's parents...

boring.

Tell the baby you love her.

But off-screen, everyone
around here is fucking crazy.

Good.
We need the drama.

Anyone seen my ricotta cheese?

I had a whole tub of it.

Who's your dad's hot friend?

That's Neil,
so good luck with that.

I have been dying to come here
since I gave birth!

[ Gasps ]

I've been dying to come here
since I was 9.

Oh, it's like
a heaven of boobies!

Oh, we really appreciate it,
mom. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Just make it snappy.
This place is disgusting.

They just let those things
hang out there.

A positive environment

makes mother and child
comfortable for nursing.

A baby will eat a bowl
of pennies out of a garbage can

if he can get his grubby
little mitts around it.

This pump
is hospital-grade.

Ooh.

[ Laughs ] Are you kidding me?

$2,000?
It's not magic.

It's still milk,
not liquid gold, right?

I had a medical procedure,
mother.

It may have been easier for you
to connect with your children,

but some mothers find
that if they...

hey, hey, I I...
I-I saw a movie once

where a woman lactated
out of her boob-job scars.

Is that something we have to
worry about or...?

He's quite the film critic,
isn't he?

A regular Leonard maltin.

Neil, embarrassment is healthy.

If cost is a concern,
rentals are...

lady, just put
all this crap away.

Okay. Maybe you could just
bring us some more options.

Sure.
Thank you.

Mom, is there something wrong?

Of course there is. If you girls
ever called, you'd know.

You know why we don't call.

Should I tell
all of breast intentions?

Your father's gotten worse.

I can't take care of him.

How can I?

Mom, where's dad?

He's in a place
where they can take care of him.

It's got a lot of trees.
It's very nice.

It's very expensive.

Y-you don't have
any money.

Shh! Neil... why are you
taking us to all these stores

if you're broke?

Because I needed to see
my grandbaby.

It was worth it.

You used us?

You used me, I used you.

I just got what I wanted.

And then these heads
will spring out

of what you thought
was your perfect life,

like a metamorphosis.

Or like Bruce banner
becoming the hulk.

No. I-I get it.

And this...
this was our perfect life?

You know, a little calm
before the storm of d.I.D.

Simple and boring.

Boring?
No, no, no, no.

It wasn't boring.
It was crazy.

I mean, Tara and I,

we didn't know each other long
before...Whew.

A lot going on in there.

But...
You were, like, young.

You didn't even
have to be there.

Lots of people wouldn't.

And then when things started
getting crazy...

but I loved her.
I love her.

It was always crazy.

Is mom drinking a beer
while pregnant?

I want to hear about this boy.

[ Sighs ]

I have lost something, mom.

Three months ago,
I was hot and young.

Weird Israeli dudes
would propose to me

every time
I walked by radioshack.

And now...Am I old?
Have I rotted?

Oh, sweetheart,
you are exactly the same

morning ray of sunshine
you've always been.

Oh. [ Sighs ] Well, then,
what is Evan's problem?

Because I'm putting it
all out there.

Not in a "lady of the night"
kind of way,

but in a "hey, I'm here
and available and a blonde" way.

It's not even
like he's too good for me,

because I'm actually lowering
myself down to his level.

He's kind of weird-looking,
and he's not in very good shape.

Hmm.
Sounds like a dreamboat.

Oh, but I don't know.

I just...

I like him.

He makes me laugh.

Mm.

Your father made me laugh
when we first met.

Oh. Well,
maybe I should just date dad.

Ugh! Ew, ew, ew!

Stop!
You can't film this.

Didn't you hear?
I've slowly uglied.

How did you and dad meet, mom?

Stats class. Yeah.

I was so serious,

and he was this sixth-year
senior with dreadlocks

who slept all the way
through the class.

He said he only went because
he thought I was pretty,

but he never asked me out...
never.

So, either you asked him out

or I don't even really exist.

Oh, I had never
asked a boy out before.

It was so hard.

But I think that's what
you need to do, Katie.

Oh, no. Mnh-mnh.

I think I would be
a wet, nervous mess, this...

[ Voice quivering ]
"W-would you go o-out with me?"

Aah!

If you're not nervous
and it's not hard,

then it's not worth it.

Cheers.

[ Cups clink ]

Look, my brother says
the sooner I start,

the sooner I'll be back.

How long is it gonna take?

Like two months, tops.

I'm gonna call every day.

[ Baby voice ]
I don't want to miss anything.

She doesn't do anything.

[ Normal voice ]
I'll miss you, too.

Oh, please don't cry.

You know how I feel
about sentiment.

You are stone-cold,
Ms. craine.

[ Gags ]

That's my mother's name.

[ Singsong voice ] There's an easy
way to change your last name.

Just come back to us, okay?

Dr. hattaras:
That's the point, right?

You're avoiding those moments.

Maybe I'm weak.

You're not weak.
Just get over yourself.

You read my book.
It's not black magic.

That boy stopped thinking
he was a kite

when I convinced him
he wasn't a kite.

It's not the same.
I'm not a kite.

And neither was he.

And you know
what also you're not?

You're not seven people.
You're just you.

That's the curse of life,
isn't it?

That, try as we might, we all
have to suffer the burden

of only being one person...
our miserable selves.

You think I like
living my life this way?

My life is not my own.

Can you understand
how that feels?

I, too, have a masculine part,
a feminine part,

a professional,
a child, a debaucher.

They all have something
in common.

Oh, they're all assholes?

Well, there's that,
but also, they're all me.

All your people...
all you.

Listen, I made this contract.
That counts for something.

I-I-I don't have these
little feet inside my head

kicking at my brain
all the damn time.

Things finally feel easy.

I'm allowed
to think that's good.

The contract is good,

but the only reason
it feels easy

is because
you're not doing the work.

You need to find the hardest
thing you can do and do it.

You are in control.

You're the only one
who has ever been in control.

[ Trap snaps ]

[ Cackles ]

Victory!

Ehhh!

Tara?

[ As Tara ] Mom...

I-I'm...

Yeah, I'm here.

It's me.

If you want to say something
to me, say it.

'Cause I am here.

I'm so sorry.

Just know that...

I'm trying to change, honey.

If there's anyone
who can understand that...

It's you.

I'm alone now.

But I'm trying.

Well, I can make a deal.

If you have something to say...

I will listen.

I will listen as me.

[ Voice breaking ]
I will stay me.

Okay.

Thanks for flying with us.

Bye-bye.

Oh, bye.

Thanks. I'll, uh, see you
on the way back.

Hey, do you know
any good places to eat in Tulsa?

Good place to eat in Tulsa?

Uh, yeah,
there's a Sushi restaurant

that has
pretty good fried chicken.

Okay.

Would you be interested

in having
some pretty good fried chicken

and/or bad Sushi with me?

Uh, I-I can't tonight.
Sorry.

Oh.
Well, another night.

We could find a thai place
that does great pizza.

Um...That's...
that's sweet, Kate.

I-I just... I can't.

[ A.J. Roach's "devil may dance"
plays ]

Hey.

How'd it go with hattaras?

Yeah, he says
we're making progress.

Thanks for waiting for me.

Can't resist a date
with a college girl.

Well, you better
get me home by 12:00,

or the sorority gets pissed.

Oh, those bitches.

[ Chuckles ]

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

Marshall:
I know what it is.

It's not a monster movie.

It's not a dysfunctional family.

It's a love story.

* leave it alone,
take the long way home *

* sneak around
and let yourself in back *

* all you said was,
"honey, give it a chance *

* just give it a chance,
just give it a chance" *

* how'd you ever
get the devil to dance *

* get the devil to dance
like that? *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

Dr. hattaras:
You're in control.

You're the only one
who has ever been in control.

You're not Tara anymore,
are you?

[ Calm, menacing voice ]
You will not win.

Say that again.

You will not win.

[ Tape rewinding ]

You will not win.

Say that again.

You will not win.

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo *