United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 5 - Dr. Hatteras' Miracle Elixir - full transcript

Fascinated by Tara's alters, Dr, Hattaras proposes they work together on an academic paper. Tara just wants to drop his course but he won't let her. Max is finding that his new job a Orgaworld isn't quite what he had expected. Marshall doesn't think their film is good enough to submit to the film festival leading to a major disagreement with Noah. Kate starts her training as a flight attendant and seems to be getting on quite well. Charmaine and Neal meanwhile are emotionally and physically drained by their newborn daughter but the new mom steadfastly refuses Tara's offer of help.

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So, the woman in Administration
said if you just sign this,

then I'm out.

Which one of you
is left-handed?

That would be Buck.

You're only dropping one class?

Well, yours is the only one
I've transitioned in.

There's a general
psychology class I can take

and still graduate,
if you just sign right there.

Too late in the semester
to drop.

But the woman
in Administration said...

If I sign it, which I'm not.

So, there's Buck, Alice,


...Shoshana, Griffin.


Must be the primitive.

And, of course,
I've met the resplendent T.

I have been staring at this
for over a week.

I put it down.
I pick it all up again.

I'm in the Olive Garden.
I order crab tortellini.

Catastrophically allergic
to crab.

Why do I order it?
Because I'm thinking of you.

I have had thoughts.

I want to do a paper
on this -- on you.

Nothing flashy --
just a dry academic one.

But I think
we can help some people.

How would a paper help anyone?

Probably won't.

But I am
one titillating publication away

from escaping
from Overland Park.

And you --
you could be back on track

to getting
what it is you want --

balance, security, peace.

What I want --

One stroke of the pen --
an "F" becomes an "A."

Don't you see
what you've got here?

You've taken control.

You've dumped the co-op.
You've bought the building.

You chucked the tea in the bay

and told the king to fuck off.

Grab a metaphor
and come with me on this, Tara.


Read this book.

It's about a patient
who I helped.

I'm not a lab rat.


You're extraordinary.

This is extraordinary.

I need you
to sign my drop form.

And let me think about it.

And no.

Read the book.

How goes it, big guy?

Man, for a green company,

you guys sure blow through
a lot of paper.

That, my friend,
is an inconvenient truth.

Want a nip?

It's 8:00 in the morning,

Kind of early for a drink.

Yeah, it's a real problem.

Hey, listen,
I'm glad you're here.

Uh, we had a little issue
with your time sheet.

Uh, you put in for O.T.
on the Lyman job.

Yeah, 'cause now this clown
wants a putting green,

so I got to dig up a tree,
I got to move the thing,

replant it,
level out the area --

Fuck the tree.
We budgeted three days.

Cut it down.
Move on to the next job.

Let me just get this straight.

A landscaping company
is advocating

that I cut down
a perfectly healthy tree.


I don't care
what you do with the tree.

Put a dress on it.
Take it to the movies.

I don't give a shit, but you
got to move it along, Max.

Oh, I know.
I know what you're saying.

You go, "Why is the giant
coming to steal my poos?


"They're all I have
to offer the world,

and you steal my poos!"

let me tell you something.

I save
every plasma-colored sack,

and I take them down
to the basement,

where I am building
a shit golem.


He has got a head,
he has got a torso,

and he has got two arms.

And when he has two legs,

he is gonna storm up
out of that basement

and destroy that pink CD player

and that fucking Windham Hill CD
that your mom bought.

Hey. Neil.

Front to back.

You're gonna infect
your daughter's vag.

Yeah, that was my intention.

Like this.

Oh! Oh! Like that.
Oh, yeah.

♪ That's how we clean
your lady bits and buns ♪

Did you see that?
I saw that, yes.

Hey, Kate, can you get that?

Oh. Mom.

Daughter. Stewardess.

Lasagna as peace offering?

Oh, it's been a week.

Oh, I don't know. Too soon.
Charmaine's a little...

Kate, who is it?

It's me!

Ugh. Good luck.
I got to go.

First day of Skykans training.
Can't be late.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.
You too.

What for?

I don't know. Something to say.
Love me.

You know I do.


I heard her crying.

It's under control.
Thank you.

Well, I made you
some lasagna --

Meaty one for Neil,
cheesy one for you.

Tara, it's too soon.

♪ Never too soon for lasagna ♪

Look, I'm exhausted.

Well, that's why I can help.

Just let me --

I can't, okay?!
It's too much!

It's all too much!

Well, I-I dropped a cla--
Well, I tried to drop a class.

'Cause you were right.

...Fucked it.

And I'm gonna do everything
I have to do to make sure --

Did I hear "lasagna"?


Have you tried
holding her --

Under control!

Have you done this before?

Oh, yeah.

Four with American.
Six with Southwest.

Third time trying here.

What went wrong?

I'm getting over a teensy bit
of a drug problem.

P.S. -- If you need to buy
some clean urine,

my brother Gavin
is born-again.

Welcome, new faces and old.

Name tag says "Bunny."

I represent Skykans
in work and in life.

What's your name?

Don't care.

There are 20 of you here.

In a few days,
there will be four.

Too wide.

Too stupid.

Too many things to mention.

Take your things.
Go home.

The rest of you,
let's get crackin'.

You know, I really think
I like the Orgalawn way.



I will fix that.

Yeah, you will.

Where'd you get the tree?

Some jerk-off wanted to put in
a putting green.

Larry wanted me to cut it down,
so I stole it.

How'd everything go
with that teach?

Did you get the drop form?

He is so bizarre.

He now has this idea
that we should work together.

He said he'd give me an "A."
He's basically blackmailing me.

He's such a jerk.

He just sat there,
waving his stupid book around

with this messianic glow
in his eye,

like I'm gonna jump at the
chance to be his new cover girl.

Fuck him -- and his book.
I'm not reading it.

I mean,
is he being straight with me?

How was your day?

My day was exactly the same

as every other employee
of Orgalawn.

She has no idea
what to do with that baby.

I woke
to the birdsong of the babe,

and I thought, "Why don't I take our little
scrumpet for a walk?"

Fresh air
and sunshine --

Nature's recipe
for a hale and hearty child.

Alice, please --
Ugh, just... [Scoffs] I'm busy.

You need nursing pads
in your bra.

Then again,
you need to wear a bra,

or those breasts
are going to look like

those poor women in biafra.

Alice, we've been through this.

I want you out of my home.

Just because you have issues
with your sister, Charmaine,

doesn't mean
I should be penalized.

Alice, you are my sister.

We have a written contract now.

I get the body
when you and the baby need me.

Clearly, this is a moment
when you --

I don't need you!

What part are you not getting?
We will never need you.

So cruel,
keeping this baby from us

when it's T
who should be punished.

I don't care
if it was T or you or Tara!

I have had it up to here
with all of you!

Guys, God sakes,
would you knock it off?!

Certain appliances
are particularly effective

for soothing a crying baby.

It mimics the sound the dear
things hear in the womb.


Lionel, the only reason
we made that film

was to prove a point
to Mr. Kern.

And I'm sorry
if you disagree with this,

but I don't think
it's film-festival material.

I'm with Marshall.
It was a lark, a goof.

Rory, I know it's boring
sitting there

with your head
stuck in a birdcage,

but please -- butt out.

I broke my neck.

You guys are taking this
way too seriously.

I'm talking about entering
a high-school film festival.

I was in a coma.

Why would you guys
shit on a chance

to ditch school
and go to New York?

I'm practically a robot.

You don't want to go to New York
for the movie.

You just want to wake up
on a dirty futon

with a Sudanese cab driver
and Mario Cantone.

Give me a little credit.

Holy shit. David Lynch is gonna
be on the judging panel.

See what I mean?

The guy
who directed "Blue Velvet"

is gonna be judging our work.

We need to make a film
that is original

and -- and personal.

Here's the scoop.

We've got less than a month
to enter,

so [scoffs] unless one of you geniuses

has a brilliant idea
you've been holding back,

we either go
with the movie we made

or we don't go at all.

W-wait, you're my ride.
I don't fit in regular cars.

I guess I should go.


Good afternoon.

Can I help you?


Yeah, I was gonna ask you
if your wife's in,

but judging from your size,

maybe I should give you
some context first

in case you want
to punch me in the head.

I am Jack Hattaras,
Tara's professor,

which might give you
even more reason

to want to punch me
in the head.


Uh, what --
what do you want?

Well, I've been trying
to get through to her.

She won't answer my calls.

The way I see it,
unless you sign her drop form,

you two don't really have
anything to talk about.


Tell her to come 'round
the office tomorrow.

I'll sign it.

Meantime, give her this.

What's this?

Her "declaration
of co-dependence,"

if you like.

That's a clean,
typed-out version,

which is easier to read.

There are
some missing fragments

in the T and Shoshana articles,

but that's probably the text
she committed to her body.

Wha-- to her body?
What do you -- what do you mean?

You know,
the "perched on the desk,

"scribbling, scribbling,

writing up her arm,
gargling with ink" bit?

What do you --
what do you want with her?

I think I can help her.

But I thought
you didn't believe in D.I.D.

I don't, which seems to put me
in the unique position

of being able
to study Tara's condition

from a fresh perspective.

But if it is not to be,
it is not to be.

Thank you very much.
Very nice to meet you.

You're very tall.

I'll be in my office tomorrow

if I'm needed
for, uh, signing purposes

or "punching in the head"

Passengers are vermin.

If someone has a pulse

and a lump of coal
in place of their soul,

they will be on your flight.

We need to prepare.

I'm gonna be awful to you.

That's the whole point
of the role play, so...

Can I get you anything --
cold beverage, tea, coffee?

Wash your hands, stewardess!

I can still smell
the co-pilot

all over your fingers,
sky waitress.


W-why are my fingers all over
the co-pilot in this scenario?

For attention.

Your looks will be gone
in 10 years.

And then what --
back to Internet porn?

I told you that in confidence,
you little bitch.

Coke? Water?

You're going nowhere, loser.

I'm going to rip out
your extensions!

It's called a weave!

Okay, that was fun.

Now you do me.

I say you are a fool.

This isn't
gonna get us to New York.

It's the same scene
over and over again --

Two people talking, tension,
and then carnage.

Well, it works for Tarantino.

Well, it's not okay
to rip somebody off

just because Tarantino does it.

Hello! Anyone home?

Hello, Alice.

Oh. Hello, there,

And who is this fine young man?

Um...This is Noah.
Noah, this is Alice.

She's one of my mom's --
Right. Alice.

Oh, my goodness.
What is that on the TV?

Doesn't have a title yet.

Right now, we're calling it
"Human Remains of the Day."

Oh, no.

Can you get us something to eat, Alice?
We're -- we're starving.

Oh, of course.

How 'bout a snack tray
and a pitcher of sweet tea?

Back in a jiff.

Was that weird?


Think I can take it from here.

Oh, Tara. Of course.

Uh, the tea is in the fridge,

and don't forget
to cut the crusts off.

All the vitamins
are in the white part.

I'll do that.

And thank you for letting me
have a few extra hours.

You're a peach.

You got your papers.

That's, uh...

That's some pretty wild stuff.

You read all this?

Well, the typed part.

I mean, your professor thinks

it's some, like,
big breakthrough.

When did you talk to Hattaras?

He came by the house.


Oh, my God. That is
completely out of line.

Well, he said
you wouldn't return his calls.

Right -- in an effort
not to talk to him. Geez.

So, what -- you wrote this
during your exam?


I mean, it's crazy, but...


There are rules
about when and where

the alters
can take over the body

and ways of opening channels
of communication

and punishment for those
who go against the agreement.

It's the first time
I've ever had anything close

to this kind of system
in place.

He thinks he can help.

I do not want his help.

Why not?

Because I don't trust him.

Well, what's the alternative?

We just keep on going like this

and hope for something magical
to happen and you get better?

I mean, come on.

The kids are gonna be
out of the house in two years.

It's just gonna be us.

And...I want to know --
Is it gonna be me and you,

or is it gonna be me and you
and you and you and you --

Stop it.

Okay, let me ask you this --
What if I do it?

What if I work with Hattaras
and nothing gets better?

What if there's no fixing me?

What you have in front of you,
you've all seen before --

Big bag, small opening.

That was her nickname
in high school.

Get it in there.

You're out.

It's impossible.
She wants you to struggle.

You're out.

You're out.

You're out.

You're out.

The bag is a little large
for our plane, ma'am.

We'll tag it,
put it in the belly,

and have it waiting for you
on the tarmac when we arrive.


God damn it!


Dear God, make it stop
before I kill them both.

Where's the fucking pacifier?

Who are you talking to?
My mom. Shut up so I can hear her.

Uh, you check her diaper?
You feed her?

Yes. We're desperate.
We're not stupid.

Did you try burping her?

Did you burp her?
Yes, I burped her.

I fed her.
I burped her again.

I ran the vacuum,
the hairdryer.

I-I bounced, danced,
God damn it!

Swayed, hummed, sang.

I gave her a bath.

I held her close.
I laid her down.

I even killed a goat
and made an offering to Satan.

Nothing fucking works!

She sounds colicky to me.

Yeah, I know.
She always curses like that.

You know, this would be
a hell of a lot easier

if I could actually touch
the baby or at least see her.

Take her out in the back yard.

Uh, fresh air? No, mom.
We haven't tried that yet.

Just get her sitting down.

Charm, sit down.

Get the whole
out-of-doors experience.

All right,
now lay the baby on her lap.

Okay, put the baby on your lap.

On the lap. Yeah.
Like this?

No. No.

Stomach down.

Upside down.
Upside down.

Flip her over.

Like a pancake. Flip --

Like a --
Okay, I'm bringing her inside.

No, Ch-- [Scoffs]

Sit down.
Please, just...Trust me.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, now lay her
across your lap, stomach down.

That's it.
Support her neck.

Now just...
Rub her back a little.

There you go.

Nice and easy.


Thanks, mom.

Thank you.


These chips are so addicting.

Go get it.
What? I just want one. Come on.

Go get one.
Okay, so I...

you had company.

Uh, yeah.

We're just, uh, you know...

W-what the fuck
is going on here?

What? Nothing.

Bullshit. Something's going on
with you two.

No, there isn't.
Yes, there is.

thank you for the honesty,

and fuck you
for fucking my boyfriend.

We're not actually --

And, Marshall, just...
Fuck you.

Lionel --

I'm a big boy.
And I'm nobody's third.

So if it's all right
with you two,

I'm just gonna
finish the movie on my own.

I'm taking the camera.

What the hell was that?!

I don't lie.

It's kind of a rule.

Which, unfortunately, means
that you have to hear this --

I don't like jazz.

Tough shit.
I do.

I guess New York
is out of the question.

You're the one who said we
should make something personal,

which means
we have two choices.

We could either make a movie

about how complicated it is
living with your mother


We could make a movie
about how much I masturbate.

Okay, a few rules
and -- yes -- boundaries.

One --
My house is my house.

Do not come unless invited,

which will probably
never happen.

Two -- No charity,
no free grades.

I want to stay in the class,
and I want a make-up exam.

Three --
Be less of an asshole!


I don't really have a four
right now,

but I am reserving the right
to make one --

And a fifth and a sixth
and as many as I need.


You give me one last good reason
why I should do this.

His name is Jeremiah,

and he hadn't left his room
in over two years --

Afraid that if he went outside,
he would, quite literally,

lift off and float away
like a common kite.

Today, he lives in London,
drives cabs, dates women,

and visits his mum
every Sunday.

I don't want to visit my mom.

What I'm saying
is that I have assisted

more severe cases than yours,

and I'm very, very good
at what I do.



...How would this work?

We would meet regularly,

something regimented
with a set end date.

We would continue to explore
the work you've already done.

I will form it into a paper

that will be published
and enjoyed by nobody

for generations to come.

What would you write?
You don't even believe in D.I.D.

Then dazzle me, Tara.

Thank you.

And fuck you.

Has anything changed

since you scribed
your little treatise?

Alice gave me back the body.

Just...handed it
right back to me in the kitchen.

Just as you assigned
in the document.


Do you think it's just a fluke,

or will they all
actually give me back to me

when I need it?

I am as curious as you are
to find out.


Roll camera.


Much appreciated, Cavanaugh.


Now, if it pleases you,
go and draw my bath.


Good morrow,
Mr. Macilvaney.

I'm submitting the movie.

I'll put your name
on the credits

as co-writer
and producer.

Don't bother.

I say you are a fool
and a charlatan.

So, how far
have you gone --

Dick in hand...

Dick in mouth...

Dick in --
We kiss.


It's $180.

I'll get the rest to you
by next week.

What's that for?

I want the camera.

You can check one out
from Mr. Kern.

I liked you.

I liked you, too.

Can I go now?

I don't care what you do,


I'll remember it if you last.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

We've now hit our cruising
altitude of 30,000 feet.

Your tomato juice, sir.
I'm gonna keep the "Fasten seatbelt" sign on

just a little longer --


Oh, my God.

Welcome to Skykans.

Lasagna was good.


Neil's napping.

He's snoring.

He snores really loud.

Cassie's never seen
the inside of your house.

Do you...want to show her?

I don't know.

You want to show her?


♪ You're my friend ♪

You did this.

♪ We'll stick together
till the end ♪

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