United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Good Parts - full transcript

Previously on
"United States of Tara"...

Who are you?

I'm Bryce craine.

The relevant term here
is "abuser alter."

It's a personality modeled
on a primary abuser.

Hattaras isn't seeing Tara
anymore.

Bryce tried to poison him
with crab.

These are two doctors
that I can refer you to.

One of them resides in Chicago,
the other, Boston.

The one in Boston. Him.

Lionel trane's dead.
It was a car accident.



Kate: I really like Evan,
but that kid...

Evan:
Monty, come down here!

Max:
That kid's a handful.

Why can't we live
in the same city?

'Cause life, my dear,
is not that neat.

I think we should sell the house and
move to Houston. Are you serious?

You think that mom
needs to be locked up?

Organic veggies?

And round-the-clock
psychiatric care.

It's a fancy nuthouse.

[ As Bryce ] Boom!

[ As Tara ] I'm sorry.

Organic veggies, huh?

Max: Tennis courts.



Ta... Tara!

Fuck!

[ As Bryce ]
* when I was young *

* it seemed that life
was so wonderful *

[ inhales sharply ]

* a miracle *

* oh, it was beautiful *

[ as Tara ] This ends today!

* all the birds in
the trees * aah!

I don't deserve this!

I didn't deserve any of it!
I have a life to lead!

Oh, and it's going so well.

Shall we say "swimmingly"?

[ Chuckles ]

You have no idea how much crazy

is bouncin' around
that lopsided skull of yours.

I deserve to be left alone!

To be set free...
free to read a book

or join a club
or mop the fucking floor!

Kill me already, would ya?
All you do is complain.

Whatever happened
to that sweet little girl

with the pussy
that tastes just like candy?

Ohh!

Aaaaaah!

Die!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh.

Tara!

[ Siren wails ]

Swimming?

You went swimming?

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

I love to swim.

I, uh...
It was so hot, you know?

Indian summer and all. I mean, no offense to Indians.
I used to swim competitively.

But the water just looked so cool...
She's very competitive.

Challenged me to a race.
And refreshing.

Well, it's, uh, obvious
you two think

I'm some kind
of retarded hillbilly,

so, uh, I'm gonna
go type your little story

in our brand-new
"big-city truth machine"

and wait for the results with
a tin cup full of moonshine.

Maybe I'll take a shit and clean
my asshole with a corncob.

Y'all stay put now, y'hear?

Holy fucking shit!

Max, hold it together.

If he figures out
what happened back there,

they'll throw me in state.

Tara...

you do not want me in state.

I'm talking
fucking "shutter island."

You know, padded rooms
and drugs and drooling

and straitjackets,
throw away the key.

You jumped off
a goddamn bridge!

Because I'm crazy.

But you can't let them take me.
I'll rot up there.

And I can't go
to that fucking country club

Charmaine came up with, either.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Let's just head home,
grab a bucket of chicken,

tell the kids you auditioned
for the universal stunt show.

That's not what I'm saying.
I need real help.

What does that even
fucking mean anymore?

[ Sighs ]

Boston.

What?

I need to go to Boston.

Hattaras said
I should go there.

There's a doctor there
who's supposed to be the best...

what the fuck was that?
Huh?

I was trying to help you...

all of you.

[ Sighs ]

Please, Max.

Boston.

We can't tell anybody
about this.

I can't believe you came home!

We talked about this!
You were on your way!

I mean, what the fuck?

We changed our minds.

But Boston?

Yeah, it's the best
in the country.

They have a three month
in-patient program

followed by ongoing aftercare
as long as I need.

For someone who's about to hop in the
first clown car to goofyville, mass.,

you seem a wee bit keyed up.

Yes...Kate.

Because, Kate,
I am ready to fight.

I looked at
the worst parts of myself

right in the eye and said,
"I mean something.

I matter.
I have a life to lead."

That's great,
but what if Bryce comes back?

[ Chuckles ]

Bryce is dead.

What?

Don't. Just...

dad, is this what you want?

Fuck no!

What I want is
to get the hell out of here!

I'm done with it all!

Fuck the whole goddamn thing!

Yes. Hell yes, marsh.

I-I want your mom
to get the best help possible.

We still have some details
to figure out.

Top of the list...
moosh.

We don't want to take you
out of school.

Well, if it's only gonna be
three months,

why don't I just stay here?

By yourself?
Absolutely not.

Then I'll stay
with grandma Sandy.

Absolutely not!
Absolutely not.

Look, I got it under control,
marsh, okay?

We're gonna make sure
you're taken care of, buddy.

And, uh, I have
one more favor to ask.

Oh, you've got some
big, hairy balls, baby.

[ Sighs ]

It's minor.
I think you'll like it.

It would mean a lot to me

if we had
one last family supper

that we all make together.

Kate, I haven't met Evan yet.
I'd like you to bring him.

Sure. Should I tell him
bring monty?

No.
No.

And, Marshall, I was thinking

you could be
our chef de cuisine

and I could be your sous chef.

Yeah, that's an excellent idea,

seeing that
less than 24 hours ago,

you punched me in the face.

Oh, God.

Look, marsh...
I know...

no, a-a dinner party
sounds delightful.

It's exactly
what this family needs.

Send me an invitation.

Oh.

Hey.

When you get to Boston,

forget all that world-famous
clam chowder stuff.

There is a McDonald's
near faneuil hall...

I'm not in the mood, buddy.

I just want
to get through this week,

get her in the car,
and get her to the doctor's.

I mean, this thing is...
So much more complicated.

It's totally fucked.

And, uh, I'm just...
I'm barely hanging on.

That's why I brought this.

Remember when you said
we should open this

when we really need it?

Well...

[ Cork pops ]

We really need it.

[ Chuckles ]

Whoo!

[ Strained ] Yeah. Ohh.

What happened to us?

By now,
weren't we supposed to own

the world's first combination
strip club and pancake house?

"Titcakes."

[ Laughs ]

I almost forgot about that.

Am I still
Marshall's godfather?

No.

No, you lost godfather status

when you ate
that plate of hash brownies

and stole my John deere,
tried to outrun the cops.

The fact that they were on foot

should've told me I wasn't going
as fast as I thought I was.

[ Both chuckle ]

Listen, I've done
a lot of growing up.

And Charmaine was telling me

that you guys don't know
what to do about Marshall,

so...
What I was thinking was...

He should move to Houston
with us

and we could take care of him.

You know, at least
until you guys get back.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Thank you.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Hey.

[ Clears throat ]

Any chance I can trick you
into making

a batch of your famous
blood-orange macaroons?

[ Sighs ]

Look, I know
you're hurt, angry,

and... and you have
every right to be.

But I'm begging you...
please don't shut me out.

I'm not.

No, you are,
and you probably should,

but I'm asking you not to,

'cause I'm going away
for a while.

And I don't want you to forget

that even though
we've had a tough go of it,

[ chuckling ] To say the least,

I can also be fun, loving,
charming, quirky,

and full of surprises.

And I love my son.

Sorry. I didn't think
you were gonna get that wet.

So...

I am putting you on notice,
Marshall Gregson.

You may hate me now,

but I've got
about 36 hours left,

and...

I'm gonna getcha.

[ Sighs ]

Neil: Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry...
why are we doing this?

Because I'm trying to...

put the pancakes
closer to your body.

Yes!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Oh. Oh!

This is weird.
I'm not doing this anymore.

You guys come up with the stupidest
shit when you get drunk.

Wait, wait, wait.
Unh-unh. You know what?

Not everything we do is gold,

but sometimes
we hit the bull's-eye.

Like this... I want Marshall
to come with us to Houston

while Max
is in Boston with Tara.

Was that your idea?

Yeah... well, he's a good kid,
you know?

And he's crazy about you.

And...I just think
it'd be the right thing to do.

That's really sweet.

Mm.

But...You know, if we're gonna
be taking care of Marshall,

maybe it'd be best for him
if we didn't go to Houston

and we just stayed here.

What? No.
We have to go to Houston.

I mean, I promised them
I was coming.

Well, just tell them
you changed your mind.

[ Laughing ] Why?!

Because Houston is
a terrible place to live.

What... says who?

One of my mommy friends knows
somebody that moved to Houston.

A-and?

And I don't want you to end up
eating your own legs.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

The Mexican drug cartel.

Oh, my God.
You're out of your fucking mind.

No!

Look... hey, hey,
we talked about this.

A decision was made, all right?

So this is a done deal,
so strap on your six-guns

around those sexy little hips

'cause you are going
to Houston, there, filly.

And these pancakes
are comin' with me,

[ Southern accent ]
Ya darn desert flower.

Ohh!

Kate: See, technically,

you're not helping mom...
you're helping me,

because I can't
tell the difference

between a bulb of garlic
and a shallot.

[ Gasps ]
Ooh! What's this?

Uh, a cat turd.

Ugh!

Speaking of
disgusting shit heaps,

what's this I'm hearing about
you moving to Houston, pardner?

Yeah.

Well, are you okay with that?

I don't really care.

What difference does
anything make at this point?

This is it, moosh.
It's all we got.

It's nothing to be
sad or happy about.

It's just...
It is what it is.

You know, I want to shoot myself
in the head

when I think about mom trying
to wipe away years and years

of pain and disappointment
with a hug or a kiss

or a fucking family dinner.

Well, she doesn't know
what else to do.

Here's the truth, Kate...

I don't have any room
to give a shit.

I'm finding it hard
to care about her.

You know, I was driving down
lowell Avenue the other day,

and... and, uh, people are
bringing flowers, mementos.

It's... it's kind of...
Like a memorial.

It's really beautiful.

Do you think that maybe
you would want to go or...

no.

Hey, Kate, Evan just got here.
You better get in here.

Oh, shit. Is he... oh,
they're eating him alive.

Ohh!

Why'd you get divorced?
Did you leave her?

Were you just too young?
Or did she leave you?

No, it was... I mean, you know, we tried.
Was someone cheating?

Is someone going to look for Kate?
[ Gasps ] Was it you?

[ Gasps ] Answer the question!

Oh, Jesus!

Brain-hungry zombies
are less aggressive! Back off!

We are so not done with you.

Well, seeing as though one of
you crawled down his throat

and the other
climbed up his ass,

I guess there's no need
for introductions.

Okay, I am sorry
about the inquisition,

but I am heading off
to the loony bin.

Uh, yeah, I know.

And I want to make sure
that my baby's gonna be okay.

Uh, yeah, of course.

I mean,
you seem like a nice guy.

Hey, you want a beer?

But as a mom...
Uh...

I'm gonna get you a beer.

I need to know that my little
girl's not gonna get hurt.

Okay, mom!
Yeah.

Clearly, you have feelings
for each other.

And I... I mean, I would never
... but it's a tricky situation.

There's children involved,
you live in different states.

I agree.
That is... let's be honest.

I mean, these long-distance
things, they never really...

the whole thing would be solved
if Kate moved to St. Louis.

What... you want me
to move to St. Louis?

Yeah.

Oh.

I-I mean, we don't have to
move in together,

but just to be closer.

'Cause, I mean, that way...

Um, so, the loony bin, huh?

[ Chuckles softly ]

Yeah, it's shitty that we don't
live in the same place,

but St. Louis?

Is that where we're at?

I don't know.

You look very happy together,
and he seems like a nice guy.

You're an idiot

if you think I'm done
raking him over the coals.

I will give you my final report
at the end of the evening.

It's a dilemma.

I mean, by following our men
all over the country,

are we, as women, just fucking
feminism right up the butt?

And just like that,

the conversation is no longer
about me.

Well, I'm sorry, Kate,
but I have a baby now,

so I'm thinking for two.

Three, if you include Marshall.

You getting cold feet
about the move?

I don't want to live in Texas.

Oh, God, it's a horrible state!

They are only famous
for two things...

their stupid presidents
and the people who kill them.

Fuck!

If Neil wants to move to
Houston, he can go by himself.

All right, I know
I'm the last person on earth

who has the right to comment
on anyone's behavior right now,

but I don't have
a ton of time left,

so I'm gonna do
what a good sister should.

Can't you ever take my side?

You have spent your entire life

making one mystifying decision
after the next,

from massage school
to vita-self to Neil to Nick

to Neil to Nick to Neil
to the baby?

And now, for the first time,
you have someone in your life

who's devoted to you, who's
taken the reins, I know.

And who wants
to clean up your life.

So, yeah, because I love you,
I am taking his side.

You said
you were gonna go to Houston,

so just shut your mouth,
grow the fuck up,

and quit acting
like an asshole.

Ya dig?

Dug.

Oh, hey.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

You know, I was, uh, I was gonna
tie up the, uh, turducken,

if you want to help.

Oh, why don't you just order
domino's and be done with it?

I don't know
if you've seen the commercials.

It tastes better lately.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Isn't this amazing?

Yeah, almost as amazing
as this incredibly close

football game
we're trying to watch.

I mean, what a family.

Do you like football, Evan?

I'm in awe.
I love football.

Such courage.

God, if only we could
hear the fucking game, you know?

I admire you, Max.
Nothing to admire, buddy.

Of course there is.

With all the things
that are going on around here,

all the stress and drama?

Hey, what can I tell you?

Well, you gregsons
never give in.

No matter what meshuggaas
life is throwing your way,

you just keep on keepin' on.

I always think of this house
like a giant lemonade machine.

The bigger the lemon...

aah!

I'm sick of hearing
your fucking voice!

[ Choking ]

the bigger
the glass of lemonade.

Announcer:
Touchdown... Nebraska!

Ooh! Touchdown!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You okay?

Not really.
Can we just...

hey, Max, Max.
Hey, buddy.

Hold that thought.
Hold that thought.

Tell Kate the name of that club
in Houston

that beaverlamp played.

What was it called?

The Ida leventhal youth center.

That's it.
We had a great time.

Marshall is gonna love
h-town.

We-we've got the beaches,
we got the rodeo,

we got the NASA space center.

Oh, well, that sounds like
our moosh...

a sun-speckled,
cow-punching astronaut.

Every displaced teen's dream.

[ Laughter ]

You're a good person,
aren't you?

Mm, yeah.

You know, just want things
to work out for everybody,

you know?

Evan: Hey, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to...

Marshall:
Oh, it's fine.

It's just, you know,
Kate told me, and...

I know.

But I totally understand.
You know, believe me.

It'll end, the grief.

Um, you know, 'cause, like,
when my father died,

I felt nothing...

Which pretty much sums up

the way he felt about me
my entire life.

But then, uh, about,
I'd say like a month later,

I realized there was still
all this, like, unresolved shit

between us, you know?

And it never got better until
I figured out a way to say,

you know, like all the shit
that... that I couldn't say

when he was still alive.

I know you're right,
but for whatever reason...

There's this memorial
where, um, you know...

Yeah.

Everybody's been there,
but...I can't.

You'll go when you're ready,
you know?

The verdict is in.

I like him.

[ Singsong voice ] Me too.

Turducken! Turducken!

Almost as much fun to say
as it is to eat!

[ Cheering ]

Tur...Duck...En!

Tara: Coming through!
Coming through!

You want to carve it, honey?
No, I...

Charmaine: Wait, Max,
I want to take a picture.

This meal is amazing!

Neil: Who's gonna clean up
all this shit?

I mean, these two are
hitting the bricks tomorrow.

Oh! Did you remember
to cancel the paper?

Oh, and... and put a stop
on the mail?

What are you doing
about school?

Well, you'll be pleased to know

that even though
I'll be missing a few weeks,

my grades are so good,
this girl gets to graduate!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, toast!
Toast!

Come on, toast, toast, toast!

Toast, toast!
Toast, toast! Toast, toast!

Kate:
The man of the hour!

What the fuck are we doing?!

We're having a goddamn party?!

While the universe is out there

dreaming up new and devious ways
to fuck us over!

Look at this family!

My beautiful wife, who tries
so hard to be a good person,

good to other people...
and my children,

who've never done fucking
anything wrong to anybody...

never asked
to be dragged into this!

God, did you put us down here

just so you could take a big
fucking shit on our heads?!

Well, I want it to stop!

Whoever's up there listening,
move on to somebody else!

'Cause it's not fucking funny!

It's not fucking fair!

And we deserve
some fucking mercy!

Aaah!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Well...
[ Clears throat ]

I can't think of a single thing
that needs to be added to that.

Anyone else?

No.

Not a word.

Well put.

Ready to eat?

Yeah. Yeah,
let's, uh, let's... let's eat.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

You don't have to do that.

Yes, I do.
[ Chuckles ]

I didn't mean to imply

that I could fix everything
in one weekend

with one dinner.

I know it's gonna
take time for us...

If ever.

It'll be
what it's supposed to be.

I don't think I'm gonna be able
to sleep tonight.

Oh, me neither.

You want to take a ride?

[ Engine shuts off ]

You want some time alone?

No.

[ Car doors close ]

There's so much
that I never got to say.

So from now on,
I'm not holding back.

If I have something to say
to you, I'm gonna say it.

I'm okay with that.

[ Electric guitar
plays blues music ]

[ Dogs barking ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Dogs barking ]

Oh, what is he doing?

[ Sighs ]
He's had a tough go of it.

[ Chuckles ]

He can do whatever he wants.

Neil?

Yeah?

Will you marry me?

[ Exhales sharply ]

No.

See how that feels?

Sucks, doesn't it?
Huh?

Yeah, I'll marry you.

You will? [ Laughs ]

Yes, I will.

[ Music, barking continues ]

So,
let's talk St. Louis.

I think that I know
what I want to do.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

I want to spend as much time
with you as I possibly can.

[ Chuckles ]

This is all I want.

But right now, I think
that I need to move back home

to look after my brother.

I just think
that it's the right thing to do.

I love you.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Music continues ]

Hey! Gregson!

[ Music stops ] It's almost midnight!
Just shut the hell up, would ya?

You shut the fuck up,
mcburditt!

I don't remember
anyone appointing you

king of this neighborhood,

you motherfucking piece
of Bible-thumping shit!

Eat my sweaty balls, asshole!

Please...Continue.

[ Music resumes ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music stops ]

[ Wheels fusses ]

You let me know how it goes.

I want to hear everything.

Sorry you're missing it.

There's nothing more romantic
than municipal nuptials.

[ Laughs ]

I'll send you pictures
of the new place.

I can't believe
I'm doing this without you.

I don't know how
you did anything with me.

[ Laughs ]

I love you.

I love you.
[ Sniffles ]

[ Smooches ]

Kate, water 15th, power 20th.

I know. I got it.
[ Sighs ]

Keep an eye on your brother.

[ Sighs ] I will.

When you get to Boston,

don't let 'em pull out
all the good parts.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffles ]

You guys are my good parts.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, we better get going.

Yeah, it's time
to bounce around in my head

[ laughing ] Until I land
in the banana factory.

[ Sobs ]

[ Supertramp's
"the logical song" plays ]

* when I was young, it seemed
that life was so wonderful *

* a miracle *

* oh, it was beautiful,
magical *

* and all the birds
in the trees *

got everything?

* they'd be singing
so happily *

[ engine turns over ]
* oh, joyfully *

* oh, playfully watching me *

* but then they sent me away
to teach me how to be sensible *

* logical *

* oh, responsible, practical *

I went ahead and set
the child locks on your door,

so you're gonna need me
if you want to get out.

[ Chuckles ]
Probably a good idea.

[ Sighs ]
* oh, intellectual, cynical *

* there are times
when all the world's asleep *

* the questions run too deep *

[ window whirring ]

* for such a simple ma-a-a-a-n *

* won't you please *

* please tell me
what we've learned *

* I know it sounds absurd *

* but please tell me
who I a-a-a-am *

* who I a-a-a-am *

* who I a-a-a-a-am *

* who I a-a-a-a-a-m *

yeah!

Whoo!

Hey!

'Cause I was feeling
so logical.

D-d-d-d-digital.

Yeah, one, two, three.