Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Backstreet Boys Walk Into a Bar: Part I - full transcript

You said that. OK. You guys,
he's being very annoying.

Uh, Shel, would you ever
have sex with me and then lie to

me immediately afterwards?

Oh, no, sweetie. I get all
my lying done beforehand.

I mean there's still a few
girls in Detroit who think

they had sex with Cleveland
from "Family Guy."

Okay. I want Danny to spend time with
my son. He promised that he would

and now he's trying to pull
out. Guys pulling out, that's

how I ended up with a
kid in the first place.

All right, fine. I'll do it. But it's not fair.
You asked me in the middle

of sex. I was like: "Uh, uh, uh, uh...
fine, I'll take him to Dave & Buster's."



Okay guys, quick announcement.

It's a new year and I wanted
to spice things up a little bit,

so I decided to dye my hair
red and then I chickened out.

Thank God. Because red hair is the worst.

However, I did convince
Candace to do it. Yeah!

I love it. No. I love it. It's so good.

It's like a... like a nice warm
bowl of tomato soup.

If I had a grilled cheese, I would
just dunk it on your head.

No I love it. Like your whole head's
on fire. I love you, fire-head.

Yeah. All right, Brett,
I'm going to kill you.

- What do you have against red hair?
- I love redheads.

When you sleep with them, it's like
putting a fire out with your penis.

Just look. The first time my
dad cheated on my mom he was

- dressed as Ronald McDonald.
- What?



It was a Halloween party at our house.

And I walked in on
him and our neighbour, Mrs. Hector.

She was a rough-looking woman.
Bus driver hair, gap tooth,

cigarette. Voice that could match a Muppet.

Anyway, do you want to know
what was in my happy meal?

You want to know what
prize I grew up with?

Being
raised by a single mom.

You know what? I don't need red
hair today. I don't need that

- distraction, please.
- Hey man, why are you freaking out?

I'm not freaking out This isn't freaking
out. I'm being normal.

I just need everything to be perfect
so I can surprise Candace.

- Ooh. Surprise me how?
- What the hell.

Sweetie, remember when we, uh, first met?
Remember that song that was playing?

- Yeah, of course.
- ♪ You are my fire ♪

♪ my one desire believe ♪

♪ when I say I want it that way ♪

- ♪ tell me why ♪
- ♪ ain't nothing but a heartache ♪

- ♪ tell me why ♪
- ♪ ain't nothing but a mistake ♪

- ♪ tell me why ♪
- ♪ I never wanna hear you say ♪

- ♪ I want it that way ♪
- ♪ 'cause I want it that way ♪

That's so awesome! What are the
Backstreet Boys doing here?

We're in Detroit doing
a fundraiser. Oh, really?

- For who?
- Us.

Good one, dangerous one in
the Backstreet Boys. Hey.

I could not believe you

guys are here. When I was a kid,
I humped all of your posters.

Wow, really? Which one
of us was your favourite?

OK. OK. Don't make a fool of yourself.

- Hey.
- These are my friends!

Anyway. Yeah, good one.
Almost beard to beard. Nice.

No. Justin actually wrote us a letter
asking for a simple favor. So...

- Yeah, you're on, buddy.
- Don't blow it, dude.

I won't.

Are all the Backstreet boys
taking a poo together?

Uh, Candace I, I believe that when you
meet the person that you're supposed to

of your life with, you shouldn't wait
around. You should just know it and

go for it. So with that said...

Holy crap balls!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- I love you.

You're the most beautiful person I've
ever met. Even with ridiculous red hair.

- Candace, will you marry me?
- Yes.

_

So you know how my mom calls us
Jay-Z and and Beyoncé because

I've got the great moves and
now that I'm engaged I can do this.

- You do the all the sick rap rhymes.
- All the time.

I love rhyme. Is that a
crime? Every time I climb a

Mountain you make me cry.
But it doesn't matter

because I pull off some
lines and make you cry

because I love you so much. M'mm.
You're mine.

Baby, sell the bar. Let's
take it on the road.

Anyway, so now that we're engaged,
she's calling us Jay-Z and Fiancé.

- Not really that funny, is it?
- No

♪ Danny's back ♪

♪ all right hey ♪

Danny? Why do you have
a child on your head?

Good, he's still there.
This is Will, Charlotte's kid.

Oh. Hey, big guy.

Yeah. He doesn't really talk that
much. It's made bonding awesome.

So what does he like?

Well, I kind of just gathered
that so far he likes sitting on

people's shoulders and sneezing
on the top of my head, so...

Okay. Well, um, I'm gonna go.
Will, it was really nice to meet you.

Can I get a high-five?

- No? OK.
- All right.

Anyway, should we go show off to all
of Detroit? My ring says yes. Yoohoo!

Dude, I can't believe you
didn't tell me about proposing.

Give me a break. I didn't tell anyone.

Well, you told Backstreet Boys

You didn't tell me and I'm your
emotional guidance counsellor.

You know it's like I'm your sensei.

I don't speak
Japanese and neither do you.

Anyway, see this is the kind
of thing we need to cherish. Okay?

Our banter. Our back
and forth. It's awesome.

We've got to love this while we can
because you're engaged and we may only be

be living together another
7, 8, 9, 10 years.

- Who's engaged for 11 years?
- Turtles.

OK. I didn't... I didn't know
7-year-olds can improv like that.

Actually, since Candace has her house we
thought it might be romantic if I moved

- in on Valentine's day.
- Valentine's day? That's in two weeks.

Give me the sandwich, Will. Hold my beer.
I need to talk like an old Italian lady.

What are you talking about?

Is there something you're
not telling me? Are you pregnant?

Did Candace put a baby in you?

I know you're joking but I
would happily carry that baby.

Morning sickness, stretch
marks. I want it all.

There's a point. I think it's a little
weird Especially you. Look, I get it.

You feel like I'm breaking up the best
on-screen duo since "Will & Grace."

I just want to make sure you're
not bummed out. I'm not bummed.

I'm totally cool. Hey, whose
Twitter handle is cool Danny? Hm?

Not mine. Not mine. You know why?

I'm too cool for that.

Ah. That sucks.

Danny. Yes, my sweet little Will?

Don't be a bitch.

Oh. I can't wait to dance at your wedding.

You know, when I was younger, I almost got
engaged but her brother talked me out of it

Really? What did he say?

He said, "Brett, you have a
beautiful penis" and... Dip.

Woo! OK, guys. Help me out.
What should I do for my wedding?

I don't know where to begin.
Charlotte, what did you do

for your wedding? Was it like a fairy tale?

My wedding was exactly like a fairy tale.

Um, once upon a time there
was a princess with low self esteem...

And terrible taste in men.

She went to Las Vegas and
ate some magic beans.

Then she married an
evil ogre named Mark.

Mark put a baby in her,
and ruined her credit.

12 weeks later a wizard named Jeff,
the divorce attorney, annulled her mistake.

The end.

OK. Um, I'm surprised.
But just so you guys know

you're all going to be in my wedding
party. Except for you, Charlotte.

- I'm sorry. I just met you.
- Oh, you know, that's fine.

I'll just uh, I'll come to the next one.

Oh, hey Bursk, Les, I'm assuming you guys
want to be each other's plus ones because

- you know, smooch buddies.
- No, no, stop. No cute winks.

Come on, you guys. We went on one date.

I know how much you
guys like to gossip about

everything but we don't want
to talk about this at all.

As far as you're concerned
we're not even dating.

- Okay, is that how you feel, Bursk?
- I was instructed to feel that way.

This day is so perfect. I mean yeah,
sometimes I do think about a different ring

Oh, because the diamond Justin's
got you is so tiny and ridiculous?

- No, I love it.
- Oh, yeah. Me too! It's so perfect!

No. It's just because I kind of
wish I had my grandmother's ring.

What happened to it?

My boyfriend Trent, he pawned
it to buy protein powder.

I loved my grandma. It's really
all that I had left of her...

Oh, I know what this is.
You're trying to manipulate

me to try to go get that ring
back by using your sad face.

But I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's not gonna work on me.

I'm not buying it.

No!

We're gonna get you that ring back!

Danny is such a jerk. From now on
nobody named Danny allowed in this bar.

My name is Danny.

Oh. I'm sorry, man. I was
talking about my room-mate.

Get the hell out of here Danny! You drunk!!

***

***

- What's wrong with him?
- Oh, Danny was so mean to him

this morning. I can
still totally picture it.

So it all started when Justin, he woke up.

He was in a great mood. He was
like, man, I love being in love, man.

I just love it. Makes
me wanna do the moonwalk.

I could do the moonwalk. I could get
jiggy with it. I could... I could spin.

I could jump. I could dance
for days and days but I'm not.

I'm just gonna stand completely
still. Completely still.

Still like a stone. Like a stone.

And then... and then Danny,

We pan over to Danny and Danny was
all like grrr. I think love is stupid.

Getting married. Getting married,
"pfft". That's all like a dumb

mistake. I would never do that.
And I get to be mean to you

for just no reason because
I'm a big baby. I'm a big baby.

My hair's too long to be a baby
but I act like a baby anyways.

You know babies go waa, waa, waa.

Look at me. I think I'm so cool
even though I'm just a big jerk.

Yeah. And you know what that big jerk is.
Such a jerk

He went over and he
slapped Justin in the face.

You know what Justin did?
Justin spit on him.

And Danny, he was so mean, he was like
"Hey Justin. You give me your sweater"

You, you give me your sweater
and... and I'm gonna do a high kick.

I'm gonna do another high kick.
High kick, high kick, high kick

And that was it.

Yeah. Maybe I embellished a little bit
but I feel like you guys got the gist.

Unbelievable. Move Unbelievable.

Why is Danny being so mean? Why
can't you see what's going on?

Don't you remember the first time you met?

Of course I do. It was right
there in that office.

Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday.

- ♪ That's all I really want ♪
- _

♪ some fun uh-uh-un ♪
♪ don't you love me baby ♪

♪ oh, girls ♪
♪ they want to have fu-un ♪

♪ Oh girls they wanna... ♪

- Justin?
- I didn't see you come in.

- Yes. You must be Danny.
- Killer pipes, man.

Thank you. Yes. I went through a choral
camp every summer as a kid

and I was the first male Annie.

We are a real odd couple, you and me.
I bet that we're just gonna

end up arguing and apologizing to each
other over and over again every week.

In my flashbacks, I let the boys
speak for themselves.

Yep. Feels like it was just yesterday.

What a crazy, crazy wild time.

We became room-mates after that,
but you know the story.

What does that have to do with anything?

The reason he needed a new
room-mate is because his

old room-mate got married and left, and
they were never really friends ever again.

Yeah. And now it's happening
to Danny all over. Oh, okay...

You're a mess. The poor guy, he feels
abandoned, dude.

Well, I guess I have to make this...

I'm sorry. I guess I...

You know what? Enough monkeying
around. I gotta make this right.

Good luck kiss.

Now you get out there
and you git him, soldier!

Of course Trent works here.

Candace used to see all this for free.

Now people gotta pay me a buck for it. Bam!

Capitalism.

I never thought I'd say this
but, I hate strip clubs now.

Hey, Trent, quit twerking. Don't look
at me while you're twerking!

- Don't look me in the eyes while you're twerking!
- He's looking at me!

Tell me where you pawned
Candace's ring please?

Oh the ring. News flash. I never pawned it.

- You turned it into a tongue stud?
- Oh, my God, it's perfect!

All right. You're gonna
give that diamond back

OK. As Matthew McConaughey would

never say, all wrong, all
wrong, all wrong. Trent says no.

Trent smells so good.

OK, OK. I got this.

I got this. Come on. You heard the lady.

- The diamond belongs to Candace.
- What are you gonna do about it guv'ner?

Well, I think that speaks for itself.

Sorry, guys. You're
never getting this back.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
have to go show my capitalism.

Capitalism's what I call my dong now.

Hey, Trent.

You're on the main stage
in five minutes. Watch out.

Watch out! Statue of David coming through.
Good God. Look at that body.

- Kevin?
- What do you got here?

A gay guy, a woman and a black guy?

What do you call your group?
"Republican's nightmare?"

Kevin. Drug dealing Nemesis. I had to go
and, I don't know, turn my life around.

Oh, you ruined the thong song for me, too!

You guys can look but
unfortunately I'm the

only one who's allowed to touch.
I'm joking.

There's an alley out back where
anything goes. Nobody's interested?

You guys can take the
dollar bills back out.

- Where's Leslie?
- Leslie is at a strip club

looking at hot naked
men who are not you.

Why?

Women are complicated, man.

Oh, my. There he is.

There's my B.F.F., my big dog.

OK. Look, all right. I get it, all right?

You're sad and you know that I'm
moving out. But I want to you know I'm

not moving out of here,
all right? For God's sakes.

We're J-ball and D-tell.
There's always going

to be a little J in you
and a lot of "D" in me.

Well, we did it. That's the
worst conversation of all time.

Don't worry about it, man. I'm not even

bummed out that you're moving out.
That's OK

That's so weird because

your pants are on fire
but you're a liar, liar.

I spent all day dividing up our stuff.
Most of it was pretty obvious.

- All the make-up was...
- It's sunscreen! Alright?

Don't piss me off.

Look. Just admit that you're sad.

Why don't you get off my butt?
What am I, Kanye West?

I don't know what that means
but let me ask you a question.

Two weeks from now when
you walk into that empty

room and I'm not there,
what are you gonna do?

I'm probably gonna be doing a lot of this.

Because that's where I'm going
to put my new Nordic Track.

OK. We need to stop them from fighting.

Yeah for sure. I agree. Why don't you just
call me when you have that figured out.

- Wait. I don't have your phone number.
- I know.

I don't have anyone's number.

Get off your Nordic Track and talk to me.

- What is that?
- Workout towel.

If you're going to be like this,
maybe I should move out now.

You know what? Maybe you should.

Maybe I will

- Good.
- Great.

- Awesome!
- Super

- Superb!
- Marvellous.

- Stupendous
- Rosie.

- Awesome
- Spectacular

- Keebler elf.
- Yippee!

Bellissimo.

This is actually good when
they don't say anything.

It means they forgot what they
were fighting about.

- Moving out!
- Oh yeah!

I'm moving out. Ha-ha.

- No, I'm moving out.
- Yeah, you're moving out and I don't care.

- That's really how you feel?
- Uh-huh.

You know what? I'll be gone by
the morning. I hope you're happy.

No, no, nah nah. I don't
get to do a door slam on me.

I do a door slam on you. This is
my bar! That means I get the last

- friggin' door slam.
- Oh, yeah? What about this?!

- What about this?!
- Ha-ha! Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

- Moving out.
- Oh, yeah. Aha!

So, Trent wouldn't give the ring back?
Tell me how that went down.

It was dimly lit. Through
the darkness I saw an Adonis.

He looked at me, I looked at him.
The nipple went in my mouth. I loved it.

I can still picture it now.

Brett, are you OK?

Are we not doing flashbacks any more?

Anyway, I'm not giving up.

We're going to get that diamond back.

How do you get at diamond out of a
guy's mouth? How stupid can the guy be?

Let's just think. For a year I
was Trent oregano dealer.

So you're telling me that you want me to
go flirt with Trent, rub up against his

body... take my hands and stroke them
down his five, six, seven, eight abs.

- No.
- I'm not finished yet!

And then I'm going to grope his perfect
ass. I'm going to make out with him.

him and steal his diamond back
with my tongue. Look, I'll do it.

I won't like it... but
I'm gonna love it!

For real, I'm tired of pretending
that we're not together.

Listen, I know you said that we only went
on one date together but we've been on a

lot of dates together. We spent the
night at a bed and breakfast in Lake

Michigan and no, I didn't tell any
of our friends about it because you

promised me not to but I
guess they knew why anyway.

Know why that is? Because
you actually did tell them?

Yeah.

He took pictures of you sleeping.

Completely shaved, huh?

I liked it.

You know what? I'm not apologizing for it.

I'm glad that us is a
thing because honestly

I've been waiting for
us to happen for

like three years now. And if you're
embarrassed to be with me that's fine.

I could deal with that. Uh...
wait. Were you gonna kiss... OK.

OK. Yeah, mm-hmm. So we're good, yeah?

- I'm in.
- All right. Come here.

All right. I'll allow this but
if you start making strain noises,

- we're breaking up.
- We should go.

- I'm sure she's fine.
- She should just move on.

She falls all the time.

What do I care? What we need to
be concerned about is getting that

diamond back. We need
someone to kiss Trent.

- Can you do it? For Candace?
- Oh no... I'm not into that kind of thing.

- Yep, that's Trent
- I'll do it.

I don't like seeing you
all torn up like this.

You know what?

You know what we could do to cheer
you up? Let's do that thing where we

pretend to be an old couple
that's been married for 50 years.

Come on.

I'm coming for you, stud-muffin.
Hot wheels. Almost there.

Sweetie...

This usually gets me going.

My heart's just not in it.

Guys. The fight with Danny is killing him.

I know. Danny's been moping around all day.

Oh, please. Come on, they're grown men.

Not like they're moping
around the streets

like some Backstreet Boys
video from the '90s.

Let's do this, you oily donkey.

You're not wearing your diamond stud.

No. I just wear this for fun.
I'm off duty, babe.

- What was that?
- I don't know. Work the alley by yourself.

This is the alley where anything goes.

OK. Charlotte said, uh,
Trent has the diamond at his

apartment. She wants to know
if she should go sleep with him.

Excuse me. What? No.

- Tell her no.
- Finally I got to make out with Adam.

That lunatic's back only if you
go before... by the way, my legs...

Nobody else hear that? I'm all
packed up. Going to head to the bar,

Close early so we can all celebrate
the engagement together.

You are still welcome if you want to come.

Nah. I'm good.

All right. Well, if you, uh, if you

change your mind, just, you know, come.

- What's wrong with you?
- All right. OK.

Spare me the lecture. I already know
what you're gonna say so I'm just going to

fast forward through all the
bull crap that you're about to...

You should be happy for Justin he's your...

Oh. I'm so disappointed in you,

Danny. Good night.

Let's get high and watch wrestling.

To be fair, that is what I
say first thing in the morning.

- Danny, Justin's your best friend.
- So?

It's OK to be hurt that he's leaving.

Don't you understand
that this is all a ruse on

Justin's behalf? He's not
even really moving out.

Look. All these boxes are empty. See? Oh.

It's all of his khakis.

- I guess he really is moving out.
- Aw.

Danny, I know how scary it can
be to admit how you really feel.

I mean look how long it took me to admit
how I feel about Burski but now I can look

you straight in the eyes and I can say
"I love Burski"?

You don't even realize you
said that as a question.

I really do? I like him.
I do. OK. I like him.

OK? So now it's time for you to be
honest about how you feel about Justin.

Let me put this in a way you'll understand.

You've been an emotional grower.
Now you need to be an emotional show-er.

I mean Justin's your best friend.

Have you ever even told him
that? No, but in my defence I

- have a really good reason not to.
- Why is that?

Because he wants me to so bad.

I'm disappointed in you,
Danny. Good night...

Oh. You want to get
high and watch wrestling?

- To Candace and Justin. Cheers.
- Thank you.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Did he say happiest day or last day?

Babe, you can sulk about
this whole Danny situation

this whole time. Now I know that you
said you want to do whatever you want

to make me happy. If you want to make me
happy, you go out there and you get Danny

Yes, ma'am.

- Guys, I'm here. Where's Justin?
- You just missed him.

- He went out looking for you.
- Aw crap. Let me go see if I can catch him

Well, look like those guys will never...

- I got the text. Where's Danny?
- Danny just left.

- Ah. Damn it.
- And wait for it.

Hey, I just got your text that Justin
is here. I also saw him run right past me.

Which one should I trust? Yeah, I know.

I love you. I have to tell you this.

And I know you don't
like this sappy stuff.

You're going to act
like you don't care.

Alright you know what? Look, stop.

Let me go first, OK? It's only fair.

Shelly, why don't you tell him where I
was while I go wash up?

Oh, I'd love to.

Gather around, everybody,
and hear the tale.

Now when I told Danny we couldn't get your
ring back... he took it upon himself to

go back to the strip club and get it
from Trent. But when he got there,

Trent and Kevin were so
nervous because there

was some big league
stripper scouts there

from the biggest area in the
world. That's right, Will, Tampa.

You know about this Will. I know
you. I seen you at the club.

Now the problem was that they didn't
have a third dancer, and what happened

next, oh, is gonna go down in male
stripper history.

Wow. Guys, if we die tonight,
I just want the world to

know we died doing what we love.

Yeah. I don't really want the world or
anyone to ever know that I was here, but.

- Also why would we die?
- Can I interrupt for a second?

I just want to say that I love both
of you guys. Trent more than I did before.

OK. Well, just so you know,
I hate both of you.

Do you want any oil before we start?

No. Please, I... that wasn't in the script.

Sounds like we're ready
to go. Let's get started.

Ah. Three, two, one. Hit it!

None of my moves are sexual. I apologize.

- Wow!
- Yeah, wow.

That was an amazing story.

Hey, Danny.

You have to tell us if you got the ring
back when you get back from the bathroom.

Hey, yeah. OK. Just give me a few seconds.

- Flashbacks are exhausting.
- Hell, yeah.

So look. The stripper scouts
turned out that they loved us.

And so did the audience. So...

Anyway. OK, well. Really likes improv.

- Anyway.
- One summer mommy had to work for ones.

OK. Well, look, I basically,
since I got Trent back to

Tampa, he agreed to give me this. Oh.

Hey, what's that junky old piece of crap?

- My grandma's wedding ring.
- It's so pretty!

- Thank you so much for doing that for me.
- I didn't just do it for you.

I did it for my best friend.

Did you just call me your best friend?

- Yes, I did.
- I don't think I want that anymore.

You need to try that.

Look, I already know you're my best friend
even though that pissed me off quite a

bit. But I need to know if you'd
be willing to be my best man.

Hey. Of course.

Baby bird.

Let's get married, huh?

Well, summer, fall but definitely
not this season.

Hey, buddy.

***