Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 11 - Danny's Boyz Walk Into a Bar - full transcript

I know it! You know it!

Even the guy with the bad haircut knows it.

America is the best country
in the entire universe!

What the hell are you all doing?

We're playing a game I created
called "State of the Union."

Ok. I'm playing Barack O'Biden and

the deal is that I say things,
and when they like it they stand

up and cheer. When they
don't like it they sit

down and give me
total bitch face like this.

It goes like this. I, Barack
Obama, am telling

you from now on there will
be free jalapeno poppers!



Okay let me try.

Every Tuesday the bar TV will
show reruns of Whitney.

They burned all those anyway.

Listen. You would be a terrible president.

Look at everyone they have bitch face.

It doesn't matter. Look, what are you
doing? You're supposed to be helping Brett

You know, study... What is
it, what are you doing?

Yeah, citizenship test.

We are helping with the
citizenship test, you idiot.

Don't worry, that's my last poster.

I'm so proud of you. Are you
ready to be an American?

I don't know. You tell
me. Yo, what's up bro?

You want to drive to the mall in a
pickup and watch "Transformers" ***

Hot dogs! Popcorn! Hot dogs! 'Murica!



Some of these questions
are actually kind of tough.

- Where does congress meet?
- Oh, that's simple.

Coffee shop?

That's very fun, no, the answer is
the Capitol. Don't worry, guys.

I'm going to be fine as long
as I've got my lucky sweat shirt.

- My grandma knitted it for me.
- Oh, does your grandma hate you?

My grandma made me a hate sweater once.

Joke's on her though, I had
that bitch buried in it.

_

- Happy Birthday!
- Does somebody like balloons?

It wouldn't be a Detroit birthday
party without a stabbing

Look, I'm not doing my birthday this year.

- No party, no cakes no presents.
- But you love your birthday.

We always get you a big birthday
cake and watch you eat one bite

every ten minutes. Every
time you walk up to it

this is my last bite.

No seriously, this is my last bite.

I can only have a few more.
Honestly, I'm trying to ***

The last time, it was like "who ate my
damn cake?" Bitch, you know it was you.

I know. I don't know why I'm so bummed.

Come on. What did mom do this time?

She sent me this really
stupid card saying how

tough it must be to be turning 37
without having any kids of my own.

That's not so bad.

She started the card out with
"Dear Les and grandkiddies".

- What are you doing?
- I'm texting mom to torture her and

tell her the new haircut you got
is way shorter than the last one.

Then I'm going to wait
until she calls crying.

Hey it's for you.

Thank you. Yeah, mom.

It's a flap-top and my
new girlfriend loves it.

Well it's my opportunity
Leslie and I have been in limbo

for a while and I figure if I
can could get her the perfect

excuse me, the birthday gift, get her out
of this funk. I think she may want

- to go on a first date with me.
- Hmm, it's not bad.

It's way better than our other plans.

- You can tell.
- It's not as crazy as it sounds.

She gets in a bit of an accident and she's
in a coma for a hospital for a few years.

However you guys give up on her. But
I'm there night after night holding onto

her hand making sure she's ok.
When she wakes up scared and

confused I'll look at her, I'll lean in
and whisper, "I'm your husband."

Ok. Well that's horrifying.

What's that perfect birthday gift?

I don't know. Danny, you're my best bud.

You know your sister.
What should I get her?

You're 0 for 2 on that sentence.

Dude, I'm not getting mixed up in my
sister's love life okay, it's not happening

Yo Bursk, we've got your back.
If you want to get her a present

get her something personal,
something you made yourself.

For me I made Justin a song this morning

- Babe that's great. Let me hear it.
- Okay.

♪ Justin dear, you're so sweet ♪
♪ Except in bed with those cold feet ♪

♪ I also don't love when
you're on the phone ♪

♪ and you call me in that chipper tone ♪

♪ you're like hey Candace come
talk to my mom for a second ♪

♪ and I'm like Justin I'm in the bathroom
I told you this is uncomfortable for me♪

♪ because I never actually met her ♪
♪ in person I don't know why you keep ♪

♪ setting me up like this. ♪
♪ It makes me feel really awkward ♪

Candice, I have a confession.

Mom has been on the phone the whole time.

Mom, did you hear this?

- Hold me.
- Uh, hey Justin, Brett’s got

something he wants to hug you about.

What's wrong with him?

- Uh, Brett lost his lucky sweater.
- Yeah, we're making posters.

How is this one?

Shelly, that's just a drawing of
a girl with a big butt.

You said draw what we're looking for.

A sweater, huh? Hmm, was there
any forensic evidence? Ok look.

- What?
- Danny has been watching reruns

of CSI Miami so he's become
obsessed with David Caruso.

Sweaters are supposed to keep you
warm. But this case is ice cold.

Look guys, I know this sounds

stupid, but I feel like I can
get through anything with that

sweater on. Tomorrow
is my citizenship test.

And it means a lot to me.
Now I've always felt like an

outsider and if I pass that test I'll
finally feel like I belong somewhere.

You know what?

We're going to get you that sweater back.

Where is the last place
you remember having it?

Ok, well the only place
I went to was the gym.

Wait. Didn't you celebrate your

workout at the pizza place?

Hahaha, hush now Candice. Yeah, we should
probably check the pizza place I think.

This seems like the only pizza place in
town where the crust is stuffed with...

sweaters.

- That doesn't even make...
- Aaarrrghhhh!

All right, Candice. Go time.

Please find out what her
dream present will be.

- Uh, be smooth.
- Burski, trust the master.

[Laughing] Birthday girl.

Happy, happy. You birth-birth

[Rapping] Day, day, day,
day, day, day, day.

Day, day.

Yo! Ok.

Snappy. So if you weren't interested in

- a present
- No present.

If it makes you feel better Bursk, I
know what I want for my birthday.

To be right here. ♪

♪ ♪.

Please tip. My name is Relentless.

Uh, yeah, excuse me. Uh...

Mr. Lentless. It turns
out that you mistakenly

found my friend's sweater. He
needs it back so he can be an

- American.
- No, bro I ain't doing that.

We tried. Looks like you're
going back to Britain.

No wait, you seem like a good dancer.

You do. I love the crew.

Love the shoulders. Working on mine.

And I don't want to

toot my own horn here. Beep-beep!

Been known to stomp a few yards.

Ok?

[Cheering] Listen, from one dancer to

- another, can you just help us out
- Sorry, dude.

- Finders keepers.
- Justin, in the ancient world of

combat that does make us "losers weepers".

You know what dude? Check this out.

We challenge you it to a dance contest.

tomorrow at the bar, noon, alright?

If you win you get to keep the sweater.

If we win, we get to have it back.

But if you win also Justin will give you $100.

- Make it $500.
- Whoa, whoa what's happening?

- Justin.
- Yeah.

What are you insane?

Dude this is going to be a
cakewalk, all right?

Let's go Google "dancing".

Where's your crew?

Hey what's up? Turns
out my crew is stretching

to avoid injury. Duh.

Novice. Hey, guys, come on out!

Game time. Say hello to Danny's Boyz.

Actually we have a couple of

girls on the crew so we decide
to call ourselves "Justin's Boys and Girls"

Okay man. Look, all we need now is a fair

and impartial judge to
help with our dance battle.

Ah, excuse me stranger.

Yes, my son?

I was just busy writing a sermon
about fairness and honesty.

As luck would have it.

Would you be able to take time out of your
busy day and judge our dance battle?

Hmm you know, let me pray on it.

Good news, the boss says yes. [Applause]

As God is our witness
literally, let's do this.

Come on!

Whoo!

You b-word!

Do I need to do anything else?

No, no. You win.

♪

I mean none of us bring anything.

What do you think? How was our dancing?

Well, if I had to put it on a scale
of one to ten, I would say you

guys were very, very white.

Brett, What are you doing?

- Your test is in 20 minutes.
- It doesn't matter.

I'm not going to pass am I?
Donald Trump is going to become

president and throw me over
his giant wall right into Mexico.

Hey dude, forget the sweater.
You're going to be fine.

- I don't think so, Danny.
- Remember when you told me once that

if a really handsome guy with
awesome hair caressed your face

in a tender way you could do anything.

Well dude, I'm here to tell you that none
of that matters because I think

you can do that on your own.

Listen Danny, I'm not that
easily manipulated, ok.

But by gum, you are right!

I can do this on my own. Thank you, Danny.

'Murica!

That was cool man. Maybe you could help me?

I want to get Leslie a birthday gift
and I'm willing to spend every

penny I have. Unfortunately for
you a penny saved...

is a penny burned. Yeah!

Cool man. I got to say I know that you and

I know you that and I aren't the
closest of friends and that's

fine. I figure if I ever need you for

something, that if it mattered
would you come through.

By gum, I guess I was wrong.

- What's wrong with Burski?
- Oh, you idiot.

Maybe he's a little pissed
because to help Brett you formed

a dance crew and all he wants is a
little help to get a gift for your sister.

I didn't do anything wrong,

right?

Maybe you're right. No!
Doesn't work with me. Ok.

Candice, can you please tell
him what I said last night.

Look, it's totally normal for a
grown man to cry at end of a movie.

No. The other thing. What
is the other thing I said?

Look it's totally normal for a grown man
to cry the at beginning of the movie "Joy."

- You need to talk about... Shhhh
- I don't know what you're talking about.

Not in front of friends. Look, who knows?

Maybe Burski is the best
thing that could happen

to Lesley and you won't
even give him a chance.

Oh that.

Just think about that.

You don't deserve to be
part of this dance crew.

Your uniform, sir.

Now I'm going to make an

introduction in my new
American friend: Brett!

- Way to go citizen!
- Thank you.

What are you going to do first?
Get diabetes or buy a gun?

I know. I'm so excited.

It sounds corny but this
truly is a great country.

Oh, it truly is. Even if
we don't nominate a

single black person for an Oscar.

Hey, congrats, man.

But I hope you're not the only
success story because I finally

found what to get Leslie for her birthday.

Oh, cashmere scarf. This is so expensive.

Oh, look at me. I'm a rich person.
Mmm, cocktails, caviar.

Health insurance.

That's a great gift.
Well done. She'll love it.

Les is going to hate that gift.

Look. Leslie's ex-husband used to get

her really expensive gifts
whenever he messed up.

He'd be like, "sorry, I
slept with your book club."

Here's a watch and also binoculars.

So any time she gets an
expensive gift she's reminded of

that time in her life. Look,
if you really want to get

in good with my sister, then uh,
give her this candy necklace.

I'm just supposed to
believe that this is good.

Guess you're going to have to
decide on whether or not you

believe I'm your friend.

Hey, Les. I know you said you didn't want

to do this, but I notice that
you have been a little blue.

Uh, I kind of got you a birthday
gift. I hope you like it.

You got me a, candy necklace?

I love it!

When I was a kid and I would
get bummed when my mom was being

lame or my dog died I used to
bike down to Market Street and

buy one of these. Who
could stay bummed out when

you can eat what you're wearing?

Thank you.

Hey, you want to take me out
on a belated birthday diner?

Yeah. We got to stop by somewhere

first, so I have to pawn
off a cashmere scarf first.

I guess technically it could
be our first date.

Sure. Why not?

Listen, don't make a
big deal out of this, ok?

♪ O, say can you see ♪

God bless Danny Burton!

God bless the United States of America.

And if this show gets picked
up for another season then God

bless the National Broadcast Company!