Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Leader of the Pack - full transcript

Babe?

Are you ever coming to bed?

Baby, I got to stretch, okay?

What we're gonna attempt to do
is a high level of difficulty.

Are we doing that thing?

No, no, no. We're doing the other thing.

Just talking to Nicki. She said to say hi.

Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about Nicki.

Come on. Let's go to bed.

You know, moving back
home has been tough on her.

Oh, oh god.



I am so sorry.

Yeah, man. That really sucks.

You know what, baby?

We should go dedicate our
lovemaking session to Nicki.

She'd want it that way.

Come on.

You know, it's just,
when we talk on the phone,

she gets real sad.

All I can do is tell her I love her.

- Mm.
- [Sighs]

I am gonna put my sweatpants on,

and then the three of us can hang out.

Oh, my God.

[Laughs sarcastically]



Yeah! Let's hang out, the three of us.

It'll be so awesome. Go
put those sweatpants on.

I can't wait for you to put those on.

Come on, man!

You're killing me.

And now she's gonna put on sweatpants?

Dude, do you know what
sweatpants are like to women?

That's like vaginal Ambien.

Puts it right to sleep.

[Snores] [High-pitched
voice] Me-me-me-me-me.

[Snores]
Me-me-me-me-me.

Why does her vagina snore
like one of the Three Stooges?

[Normal voice] All right. Look, man.

I know you're a sensitive guy,

but when your high level of estrogen

combines with her level of estrogen,

that creates a barrier that
no man can get through...

Not even Vin Diesel.

[As Vin diesel] "Hey, you know what?

"Uh, I can't through this
high level of estrogen.

It's such a big barrier."

First off, that's Rocky.

Second off...

When it comes to matters of the heart,

I'm all about emotions, okay?

I love hard. I yearn hard.

I feel hard.

Well, then, I got a question for you.

Don't say it.

Do you feel hard right now?

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles sarcastically] Ah, that's great.

- Never mess with a sensitive guy.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay? 'Cause we'll hit you where it hurts.

So, are you gonna hang out, Justin?

Oh, that sounds so much fun,

but, uh, actually, I'm
gonna let you two kids

get some private time, okay?

Enjoy your night.

You know what's silly that
I was just thinking about?

[Laughs]

I was just thinking about
the fact that you two, uh,

have been dating exactly
as long as Nicki and I were

when I told her that I
loved her for the first time.

[Chuckles]

Isn't that funny?

I love your sweatpants.

Ah. Fantastic.

[Chuckles, sighs]

[High-pitched voice]
Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

♪ Oh-oh-oh,
oh, oh ♪

"Undateable"... it's
exactly like "Toy Story."

Except it's not animated
and there are no toys.

You know what? Can I actually
talk to you after this?

You know Steve, the gay electrician?

We're watching Brett eye-bang him.

All right. Where's your fuse box?

It's by the back door.

Hey, man, you should have
taken a run at Steve, you know?

I mean, he's right in
your wheelhouse, right?

He's a guy. He's gay.

I feel like that checks all the boxes.

I'm not going to ask Steve out, Danny.

Brett only came out three months ago.

Point is, he's not ready
to ask anybody out yet.

Come on, come on.

It's not like I'm a virgin, okay?

It's just with guys.

I've had a lot of sex with a lot of ladies.

That's not fair.

It's like a vegetarian eating my steak.

When you slept with that
girl I was dating in college,

if you were living a lie,
why would you even bother?

Because she had a flattop
and a really low voice.

So when the lights were
low, I could make it work.

Who were you dating... a Navy S.E.A.L.?

No. I was a freshman, Danny.

I just needed a girl to tell me what to do.

[Deep voice] "Hey,
Justin. Give me your hand.

"Put it right there.

Now make small circles and shut up!"

Nicki, I miss you, too, okay?

But these phone calls just make you sad.

Look, I have a crazy idea.

I just need to know...
are you... are you alone?

Okay. Good. All right.

Okay. Good.

Well, then, uh, what are
you wearing right now?

Just a t-shirt. Okay. Interesting.

'Cause in that scenario...

I am going to be an erotic masseur.

Would you rather be a...

a tennis star who needs
a post-match rubdown or...

Oh. Got to go.

Uh, look, we got to help our friend Brett,

but before that,

is this a "choose your own
adventure" phone-sex script?

All right, baby bird,
uh, on the list of things

that you are very, very,
very, very, very bad at,

we have to put "phone sex"

right below "not looking
like Matthew broderick."

So, what I thought is, we
could invite Steve back here

to fix something else and
make Brett ask him out.

No, no. That's a horrible idea.

Also, have you seen Steve?

I mean, he's the kind of guy at the gym

who just doesn't wear a
towel in the steam room...

like puts his hands on his hip,

and just lets his business
swing back and forth

like, "hey, try not to
get hypnotized," you know?

Where do you work out?

That's not the point.

The point is, if he gets turned down,

he's gonna crawl back into his
shell for God knows how long.

- I hear you.
- Well...

What? [Sighs] Hey.

Brett. Justin and I think
that you should ask Steve out,

so I called him and told him to come here.

- He's coming tonight.
- What have you done?

I cannot ask Steve out
because Steve is an electrician

and I am a bartender,

and those are very manly jobs,

so who's gonna wear the
pants in that relationship?

Hopefully nobody.

Why do you always think you get to
decide what's right for all of my friends?

Is it just arrogance?

Uh, well, that depends.

Is it arrogance if you just happen

to know everything about everything?

Well, you don't need to worry about me,

'cause I make my own decisions, so...
- Oh, please.

You're so far up Danny's butt,

sometimes all I can see are
your high-tops sticking out.

Cool, though.

Danny picked them out.

- Right? Yep. Okay.
- Shoe off the table.

And, Shell, I don't blame you

for falling under his spell, okay?

You're the most easily
influenced person I know.

- No, I'm not.
- I think you are.

You might be right.

Look, this is a sensitive time for Brett.

- We've been best friends since we were 18.
- You know what?

I think I know him pretty well, too.

Oh, really? What's his last name?

Favre.

You think his name is Brett Favre?

Okay. Well, that's the football player.

I realized when I said it.
I don't follow football.

Anyway, look.

Brett just needs a push.

He hates to be pushed.

He fired his trainer
for making him exercise.

Shelly: Oh, I get that.

My motto is "no pain...

Let's get high and eat pizza."

Look, if anybody knows what's
best for Brett, it's me.

Um, actually, I think Danny's right.

I think it's time I asked someone out.

Steve will be mine.

Yeah. When it comes to life advice,

you come to Danny Burton.

Not Justin, uh... Justin...

You don't know my last name?

I don't know. I-I saw it
on a bill earlier today.

Hold on. I want to say Justin...

Department of Water and Power?

I don't know.

What's up?

Um...

Not exactly sure how to start this convo.

Uh...

"Danny said you need help with phone sex"?

[Chuckles]

Of course he did.

'Cause Danny knows
what's best for everybody.

Okay. Sorry. We'll leave. Mm.

Stop. Wait. [Sighs]

I don't know what to say.

It's not about what you say.

It's about how you say it.

Talking about anything can be sexy...

even groceries.

[Seductively] Oh, Justin.

Do you know...

Where I could find some canned beans?

Maybe near the rice.

Look, it's all about
giving the other person

what they're asking for.

- Like, do your thing again.
- Okay.

[Clears throat]

Can I have some of your...

Canned beans?

[Seductively] Ohh. [Chuckles]

You want some...

Canned beans?

Oh, yeah.

Give me some of your canned beans.

Give 'em to her, Sabrina.

Okay.

I'm gonna give 'em to her.

[Breathing heavily]

Come on. Get in the game, Justin.

[Clears throat]

[Seductively] Do you want to...

Do you want to pay for these groceries?

[Breathing heavily]

Yeah, yeah. You know I do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I want to pay for
these groceries. Yeah.

[Inhales sharply] And then
I want to get a bunch of guys

and put it all in your... trunk.

- Ew! Not that!
- Come on!

No, that's me.

"Trunk" is "butt." I figured it out.

I don't know why I invited a bunch of guys.

That's my fault. I apologize.

All right, man. Huh?

You look great. You're gonna crush it.

- Go fix your hair.
- Okay. Will do.

I'll practice my sexy walk.

[Chuckles]

I'm, uh... I'm actually
pretty proud of him,

and not to my surprise,
I'm also proud of myself.

In a couple of days,

everything will be back to the way it was,

and I'm still Brett's favorite friend.

Oh, my God. That line is from
my favorite movie, "Toy Story."

I mean, in the movie,

it's, "I'm still Andy's favorite toy,"

but other than that, it's word for word.

Whoa, dude. Hey.

Are we in "Toy Story"?

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, man. Don't you see it?

You are Woody, the nerdy,
really badly dressed toy

that nobody wants to listen to anymore,

and me, I'm like Buzz Lightyear,

and I'm super-handsome and charismatic,

and I've obviously had a lot of sex,

and I fix everybody's life.

I want to be the slinky dog.

Well, you also know, in "Toy Story,"

Buzz Lightyear was a fast-talking fraud

who couldn't even fly.

"You're a very sad, strange little man."

That's in the movie, also.

Whatever. You're just mad
because Brett chose me.

I don't care about that.

Hey, Danny, Danny. How's my hair?

Hey, man. All right.

Get ready, 'cause Steve's gonna
be here any second. All right?

Any second? That's... that's so soon.

That could be like now. Or now. Or now.

- Or now. Or now. Or now.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Look, you just need practice

trying to pick up a dude
that's really handsome

and out of your league, so, uh...

[Babbles]

Okay. I'll volunteer.

No offense. But if he's
gonna practice on anyone,

in the words of 'N Sync...

♪ It's gonna be me ♪

Brett, gun to your head,

who would you rather have
sex with... Woody or Buzz?

Well, I'm the obvious choice.

I got good hair, I got tight sweaters,

plus everybody wants

to have sex with a Jeff Goldblum.

Yeah. That's an aggressive "no" on Burski.

And Shelly's out because
of the Vietnam nightmares.

I only went there on
vacation, but I hated it.

Look, Brett, it's...

I'm the obvious choice, all right?

It's obviously me. I
mean, look into my eyes.

Get lost in them.

Uh, all right.

Whatever, weirdo. Huh?

These hips, bro,

will take you...

to infinity and beyond.

- Hey. No, no, no, no.
- That's good. That's good.

Don't point. Don't point. Hey, hey. Hey.

Listen to me. Sure. Okay.

Danny might give you a crazy,
wild, sexy one-night stand.

Why am I saying that?

But, listen.

The point is, the next
morning, he'll be gone.

Not me. I'll always be there.

And guess what.

I call big spoon. [Chuckles]

Listen, Brett.

I'd... Make love to you.

We wouldn't even have to have sex.

How gay do you think I am?

Just say you'd pick me.

Okay. It doesn't matter, all right?

So just pick one of us.
Pick, pick. Pick one of us.

Pick. Pick me. Pick one. Pick one of us.

Just pick one. You think you...

Okay. Okay, okay, okay!

Gun to my head...

I'd pick Danny.

- Ha ha.
- [Chuckles]

Hmm. Okay. Well, that's cool.

I had a great time.

Great job, Danny.

Yes. Great. Ooh. Okay.

Way to go, Bursk. Love the sweater.

There it is. That's my friend.

Never go to Vietnam. Love
it. Okay. Yeah. Good game.

No. You had your chance, okay?

You don't get any of this.

Ooh!

I changed my mind... I want
to be one of the aliens.

"Ooh! The claw! The claw!"

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Look how tight his shirt
is. You can see his abs.

- You can see his abs.
- Okay, okay. Relax. All right. Just relax.

Okay. What you got to do is,

you just got to close your eyes

and visualize yourself in your happy place.

Watch me do it.

All right. Now I'm just kind of...

now I'm just like kind of nude,

I'm in my bed, I'm just hanging out,

and there's a mirror on the ceiling.

And am I in there with you?

I mean, well, yeah, whatever.

If you want to be. I...

[Clears throat]

Oh, yeah. You're right.

I do feel better.

Great. All right. Where are you?

[Sighs] McDonald's.

What? No way!

I'm here, too!

Hi, Brett!

Hey, Shelly! What are you doing here, man?

Oh, don't let them try to tell you

there's an age limit in the ball pit.

There isn't.

Game over. Look.

Let's just, uh, man up
and ask this guy out.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Thanks, man.

Whew.

Hey!

Look, Steve, um...

What... what I wanted
to say, mate, was, um...

How would you... how
would you feel about...

Possibly going on a date sometime...

With... with me?

I'm flattered, man.

But I'm just not interested
in you in that way.

Okay.

Brett, wait.

- [Door closes]
- Damn it, man.

I almost feel like that
was partly my fault.

Well, I just paid a man
300 bucks to fix two lights

and, uh, break one of my friend's hearts.

Hope you're happy.

You know what, man?

I feel bad that Brett got shot down,

but being rejected only makes you stronger.

You know I got rejected by 12 colleges

before I decided not to go to college?

Okay. Now he's never
gonna ask another guy out.

Aw, sure, he is.

Because now he knows what it
feels like to get rejected.

You know how much my life
changed when I realized

that the worst thing a
girl could say to me is no?

Actually, the worst thing is,
"I just want to be friends."

Bitch, I got friends!

Let me put it in terms
that you'll understand.

I'll use your favorite movie, "Toy Story."

I know you think that Buzz was this hero,

but Buzz basically just
swooped in and tried to ruin

what was already a
perfect family of friends.

But luckily, Woody was there for Andy

and was able to teach Buzz
that there's more to life

than just sleeping with other toys.

I don't remember that part.

You know what's really messed up?

I feel like there's some sick part of you

that's actually happy
that Brett got shot down,

because that means that I was wrong.

- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it?

Because I swear the moment
that Brett got shot down,

I saw out of the corner of
my eye for a split second,

your face light up.

Like, if it could be
played back in slow motion,

it would look like this.

Justin! How could you?!

I didn't smile!

Can't argue with that replay, bro.

Well, we looked everywhere.

On the positive side, I got four numbers

at the last gay bar we checked.

I got six. It's not a
competition, but I won.

You also won the contest

of who can ruin Brett's
life the most, too, so...

Hey, there it is... you
being happy that I hurt Brett.

- [Chuckling] No, I'm not.
- Hey! Freeze!

There it is right there.

Right there on your face, there's a smile.

Yeah. Guilty.

Huh?

Okay, fine!

I'm happy 'cause now people will know

that you're not some
God with all the answers,

and if Brett had to get
a little stung on the way,

then I can deal with it.

Well, uh...

I think I know where Brett is.

Where?

He's on our kitchen floor,

eating a bag of potato chips.

You're actually glad that I got hurt?

How you doing?

Well...

I'm still feeling a bit angry,

but don't worry.

I feel kind of bad

about how the whole thing
with Steve went down,

so I took it upon myself to
set you up with another guy.

I'm still feeling a bit upset and sensitive

about the whole Steve thing.

So, is he hot?

Hey, buddy.

Uh, it's me.

I'm... I'm the guy.

He's not hot.

Whatever. I'm sorry.

You came in too soon. But you know what?

He's also way too sensitive for you,

and I think a little bit too feminine,

but he's got those really
thin hips that you like,

and he's as loyal as a golden retriever.

Okay, there. I'm done.

So, is this a joke?

No, man. It's not a joke.

Look, I just thought maybe
we could, uh, hit the town,

you know, like we used to do...

put on some blazers, go to those raves

and get nuts till like 5:00 A.M...

Go back to your house
and watch "Notting Hill,"

talk about...

How did you not know he was gay?

I'm sorry.

I never, ever wanted to
root against my best friend.

I know it's lame, but...

I mean, there was time when
you used to need me, you know?

All of you did.

And then Danny came around,

and you guys didn't need me as much, and...

It just... it got to me.

Do you seriously think I didn't need you?

You've had my back since we were kids, man.

Of course I needed you. We all do.

He's right. You're awesome, bro.

Leslie: Yeah. You welcomed
me into your group,

no questions asked.

And you should have asked...

'Cause I'm a mess.

You were my first white friend.

You taught me how to recycle.

Danny, you want to say anything?

Hey, man, that's never gonna happen.

That is seriously too bad,

because whenever you
show your sensitive side,

I find it insanely hot. [Chuckles]

Okay. You... you didn't let me finish.

Arr! [Chuckles]

So, um, I wouldn't get too twisted

about who the leader of this group is.

No group has only one leader.

He's right, man.

I mean, we're all leaders, you know?

No, Bursk. There's just the two leaders.

Me and Justin.

Buzz and Woody, huh?

And you know what my favorite
part about "Toy Story" is?

Yeah, Buzz Lightyear is way
more handsome than Woody,

but deep down, he knows that
every day he spends with Woody

makes him a better friend.

Uh, thanks, man.

You want a beer?

I wouldn't miss it.

Oh, God. I am so turned on right now.

Hey, man, I got to go.

Oh, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki,
Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki.

[Breathes deeply]

Ah, I hope that was good for you.

I hope you liked that.

Hope you liked the part
about the canned beans.

Just kind of came to me.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed.

And dream about you aaall night long.

Anyway...

call me back when you get this message.