Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - My Hero Is Me - full transcript

Justin expresses his feelings for Nicki but doesn't get the reaction he expected. Danny tries to help but realizes his advice is wrong. Meanwhile, things get awkward between Burski and Leslie.

Oh, look at them, huh?

Did you ever think there'd be

two ridiculously beautiful women here

that both spent the night?

Yeah. I just never thought one of them

would have been with you.

Morning, ladies.


Mm. And now we switch.

Wait. What?

Oh, hello. Hi.

No, wait. No, not a swinger.

Just close your eyes and think of me, babe,

'cause that's what I'm gonna do.

Nicki, don't do that! No!


We were just messing with you.

Don't you ever do that to me again, okay?

My heart is racing.

Ugh. It's my mom again.

She's still recovering
from her hip surgery,

and my stepdad is just being no help.

Ugh. Jerry.

Look, tell Cindy I'm praying for her.

Her mom loves Jesus,
and I love pleasing moms.

Weird thing is, she always calls

right before we're about to have sex.

It's like she knows.

Well, maybe she does know.

I mean, I tell my mom everything.

And now I can never meet your mom.

No. It's cool.

My mom is a very beautiful,
very sexually open person.

Don't say it.

And now I must meet her mom.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

"Undateable." Created by Adam Sztykiel.


- Thanks for letting me take off early, babe.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Knock, knock.

- Come on in.
- Mm.


When you start having morning sex with me,

then you can leave early, too.


I'm gonna call your bluff.

I call topsies.

Hey, don't forget we're playing
poker at my place tonight.

Nicki and I are hanging out, so...

Dude, since you started dating Nicki,

we never see you anymore.

Whatever happened to putting
the bros before the hos?

Come on, guys. Give him a break, okay?

He's dealing with something

that you guys would never understand.

He's recently had sex.

You know what?

Any one of you would choose sex

over hanging out with the guys, all right?

Look, Brett, it's game night,

but one of the guys from
"300" walks through the door

and says "hey, I lost me hands in battle,

and I need your help to wash me abs."

Then I would literally
strangle my own mother

and climb over her dead body

to get to clean those abs, then.

I would be very thorough, Danny,

for this is Sparta!

Uh, I... Didn't even mention your mother,

so that's weird that you chose
to murder her in the scenario,

but, uh, I'll go talk to him.


Go call your mom.

Bye. Good night, guys.

- Good night, Les.
- Good night, Les.

Good night, Les.

- Drink!
- Drink!

- What was that?
- That was a little drinking game

Shelly and I like to play.

Whenever you touch Les, we take a drink.

It's a great way to get
very drunk very fast.

Please. If I was groping
Leslie, I think she'd tell me.

He never gropes. And I know groping.

Today on the bus,

some guy leaned against my
boob for the entire ride.

Well, he probably didn't
know he was doing it.

It was his face.

Still, you do touch me a little bit.

You're an accidental toucher.

Oh, no, no, no.

With the subconscious,
there are no accidents.

Deep down...

You want to touch her down deep.

I'm just gonna go put on pj’s
before we start the movie.

Oh. Me too.

Here. Do not eat this
until we get back, okay?

What are you doing?

She said not to eat it.

Yeah. Well, luckily I am not afraid of her.

Look, baby bird, I think

that you might be a little whipped, okay?

Do you really want to
stay in on a friday night

and watch "Magic Mike" with Nicki?
- Yes.

That's how I learn all my sick dance moves

that I use in the bedroom.

You know, just...

Why are you giving me grief, okay?

You're here with your girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shut your mouth.

Okay. Hold on one second.

Sabrina, did you happen

to hear the hilarious
word that Justin just used?

- What?
- Never mind.

Hey, man.

You can't just be tossing
g-bombs around like that, okay?

I've only been dating her
for like a week, all right?

I haven't even named her boobs yet...

Although I'm thinking
about Kathie Lee and Hoda,

because they are so perky in the morning.

I'm not whipped, okay?

Nicki lets me do what I want.

Then why do you always bail
on the guys to hang with her?

Honestly, I'm just trying
not to get ahead of myself.

I just... you know, I
don't want to freak her out.

Freak her out? Why? How
are you gonna freak her out?

Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?

Stop it. No.

Okay. Then what are you talking about?

I'm in love with her, okay?


What did you just say?


Um, I was just saying that I love you...

That I'm in... I-I love you, Nicki.


Hey, I wouldn't worry about today, mate.

I don't think it's gonna
be uncomfortable with Nicki.


Um, about last night, I think...

I'm gonna stop you there, okay?

Ain't no thing but a apron string.

Babe, are you sure that you're not upset?

'Cause you make really weird
rhymes when you're upset.

Nah, nah.

We're cool, cool in the pool, pool.

I mean, unless there's
something you wanted to say.

No? Okay.

Can you believe this?

I mean, I say "I love you,"

and she just bats it down like a piñata.

Oh, I identify with piñatas.

I'm also adorable and full of candy.

Yo, man, you want Nicki
wrapped around your finger?

All you got to do is stop
telling her how you feel.

Danny, do you not hear yourself?

I only hear myself.

See, Nicki's like a hummingbird.

And you're like a kitty cat

that keeps scaring her away.

"I love you."

What you got to do

is just turn your back on that hummingbird

and do some other kitty-cat
business, you know?

"Uh-oh! Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Somebody's got a laser pointer.

You go get that red dot.


Anyway, then that little hummingbird

will eventually come
back right over near you

and just land on your shoulder,

all because you weren't
paying attention to her.

"Hey, little kitty cat.

Guess what. I missed you so... "

Danny, you should write a book.

Yeah. You know, I always thought I could be

like a big-time motivational speaker.

I meant a book on birds.

I'm not playing any of your games.

I'm not afraid to put my
feelings out there, all right?

I live out loud.

Shelly, I love you.

Brett, you too.

Bursk, cool sweatshirt.

I'm messing with you, man.

I love you. I love you so hard.

I'm gonna start calling you Six Flags

'cause you just took me on
an emotional roller coaster.

That's fine, but if you
don't play this right,

you're not gonna get the "I
love you" back from Nicki.

I'm not hiding Danny. All right?

And I don't regret that
I said, "I love you."

In fact, if I saw her again,

I'd tell her I love her again.

Hey, I might even double down

and say, "let's move in together."

- Hey, babe.
- Yeah?

Table four needs beer.


Somebody put a bell on that girl!

Hey, Shell.

Oh. Hey, Les. Hey, Bursk.

Hey, stay away from me, please.

What's going on?

We decided with the Bursk situation

that, uh, whenever he touches you,

we expose an embarrassing
and personal fact about him,

like, uh...

Burski was breastfed until he was 8.

In psychology, this technique

is called negative reinforcement.

When I hit rock bottom,

it's how I plan to kick my candy addiction.

Oh, but not today.

Hey, sweetie. Can we talk?

About what?

Look, I have something I have to tell you.

Let's get out of here.

Sure. Uh, I got to get my keys.

Okay. All right.

Hey, surprise, surprise.

Keys are already in my pocket, Danny.

This day is just full of twists.

'Cause I'm about to go get
my "I love you" from Nicki.

It's 'cause I live out loud, okay?

So, I want you to watch,
'cause I'm gonna walk away,

but I'm gonna do like
a cocky winner's walk.

Here we go.

I fell...

In love.

Justin, I can't even
tell you how amazing...

the last couple of weeks have been, and...

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just, uh, filming this.

Okay. Just ignore the camera

and just say what's in your heart, okay?

All right.

Babe, you're the best.

I-I mean, I haven't
felt this way about a guy

in a really long time...

- Maybe ever...
- Mm-hmm.

which is why I'm being so weird about this.

Um... Okay.

Justin, I'm leaving.

You said "leaving." I
think you meant "loving."

Okay. We'll try it again.
Let's do a take two.


And... Action.

No, no. Justin, look at me.

I'm leaving Detroit.

I'm gonna move home to take care of my mom.

And cut.

All right. So, what did you do

after she said that she was leaving?

I acted like a man, Danny...

a crying, screaming, dry-heaving man.

All right. Well, look.

You put yourself out there,
and it blew up in your face.

It's... it's over, and you
got to move on with your life.

But I'm in love.

Oh, my God.

I can feel myself getting very close

to acting like a man again.

Okay, okay, okay. Look, look, look. Okay.

Any good psychiatrist

would tell you to just bury those feelings.

I can do that.

Then you're already healing.

But I'm never gonna get a
girl like Nicki again, so...

Will you listen to yourself, man?

You would get any girl you wanted to

if you just realized how awesome you are.

All right, quick. You know what?

I want you to name three
awesome things about yourself.

Okay. I'm a good dancer, I'm very handsome,

and my body is amazing.


Now I want you to name three true things.

All right, come on. I'll be the girl.

Go for it.

Well, I have a big heart.

"Oh, my God.

That's, like, so amazing.

Tell me more."

I own my own business.

"Oh, my God! That's so funny,

cause I was just telling my friend

that I literally want
to sleep with somebody

that owns his own business."

Bam! You said eight words to
her, and you already closed!

You know what? You're right.

I mean, if I can get a girl like Nicki,

I could get any girl.

I mean, I could get a model or a dancer

or that chick from "The Good Wife."

Julianna Margulies?

Why would you want her?

It's in the title, Danny...

She's a good wife.


Can we talk?

Listen, look. We're good, okay?

But I-I think we've done enough talking.

So I think it's time that I
start trying to move on, so...

That poor girl.

Yeah, this stinks.

Burski pees sitting down.

Why is Justin being so cold

with Nicki all of a sudden?

Because he's moving on like he should.

He can't just move on.

That's not how love works.

Excuse me, Les, but you
definitely don't need

to tell me how love works, okay?

That's like telling Vin
Diesel how to have a cool name.

You've never even dated
someone for more than a month.

Do you even know what love is?

Love is a battlefield.

Love is a-a feeling, okay?

And it burns.

Love is a burning sensation

that comes up from right around this area.

That's not what love is, Danny.

But whatever that is, you
should go to a hospital.

He said he loved her.
She didn't say it back.

She doesn't love him. End of story.

No! Just because she didn't say it

doesn't mean she doesn't feel it!

You have no idea how
crazy women get about love.



How are you doing?

Um, I don't know what's going on.

Why would he tell me
that he loves me one day

and then be so mean to
me the next day, you know?

Like, is that who he is?

Was this even real?

How am I supposed to feel?!

If that's what love is,

then I don't want any
part of that ever, okay?

Because that was banana-pants.


Baby bird.

How, uh... how you feeling?

Not a lot of boyfriends
have a cellphone video

of the exact moment their heart got broken.

Come over here and watch.

You know...

Get over here and watch!


It's even sadder with music.

♪ And I would do anything for love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

You got to go out there,

and you got to talk to her again,

and you got to tell her that you love her.

She already shot me down once, okay?

Once a dog gets smacked on the nose,

he stops stealing pork chops.

Uh, that's... that's not a saying.

Look, uh...

Okay. I was just down at the bar.

And I was talking to everyone

about how much I know about love,

and they were all really impressed, and...

It's obvious that Nicki's hurting, too,

so you got to get off the
couch and go talk to her.


No. I'm not getting off this couch.

Don't make me pick you up.

You can't.

I can make my center of gravity very low.

You want it this way, you got it this way.

Oh! God!


I heard a pop.

Ohh. That was my back.

That wasn't your back, Danny.

That was my heart.

Hey, buddy.

Uh, brought the fellas
over to cheer you up.

Go away.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Shut up now.

We just want you to know
that we care about you.

Everyone heals on their own timetable.

I guess you're right. Thanks, guys.

Why are you so close to me?

Now! Just like we practiced!

Aah! You're ripping me apart!


- Go this way! Go this way!
- Help! Help!

I got it! I got it, I got it, I got it!

- Ow! What are you doing?!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Pick him up! Run him up!

- Stop! Go, go!
- Aah!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Okay. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Let go of me! Stop it! Come on!

Ohh! Get in here!

You know...

Are you all right?


Get off! Stop it, all right?!

Could you just stop it?!

I'm not going anywhere.


- Wait!
- Come here.

You guys! What is going on?

It's fine. You know what?

Justin just...

What are you doing with the...?

Justin just has something
he wants to say to you.

We're out of jalapeño poppers.

Okay, fine. You know what?

Then I'll say something.

I've missed out on a lot on life because...

... I was afraid to put myself out there.

I don't live out loud, Justin, but you do,

and, frankly, that inspires me.

I mean, honestly, a part of
me wishes that Sabrina was here

so I could tell her how
I really feel about her.

- I could give her a call.
- I said "part of me," Les.

Look, you're the bravest guy I know.

So don't let her go
without saying everything

that you need to say.


I really hate that you're leaving,

but part of the reason that I
fell for you in the first place

is because you are the type of girl

that would go and help your mom.

And I'm not gonna take it back, Nicki.

I love you. Okay?

And I don't care if you say it back.

I do. I lied.

I really do.

But mostly, I just want you

to know that no matter
how long you're gone...

- I love you.
- Well, let me finish.


What... what did you
just s... I cut you off.

I know what you said.

Could you just say it again?

- Yeah. I love you.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I don't know why I didn't
say it back to you right away.

Well, uh, it's probably
because you're banana-pants.

I mean, I-I wanted to,

but I was just afraid because
I knew that I was going,

- and I didn't know what that meant for us.
- It just... listen.

It just means that we're gonna have

to put more miles on our car...

And that I have to buy a car.


So, what do we do now?

Well, I don't leave for two days, so...

Brett, watch the bar for two days.

Yes, boss.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

For two days only, this is now a gay bar.

Thanks, man.

I love you.


All right. I'm out.

- Bye, Les.
- Bye, Les.

Bye, guys.

Burski's first kiss was with his cousin.

Get them out of your system.

Burski's second kiss was
with his other cousin.

Yeah. Burski's third kiss
was with another cousin.

It was a family reunion. Who cares?

Honestly, I never minded
your accidental touches.

Can we just go back to the way things were?

I'd like that.

Okay. Bring it in.

That was our first kiss.

Looks like it's on.

Yeah I don't, I don't think it's on Bursk.

Oh, it's on.

Plus I got the green light
to touch you whenever I want.

And I'm gonna use that... a lot.

- Erhh, that's eh... that's my sister.
- I'm sorry.