Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript

♪ Oh, the weather outside... ♪

- Merry Christmas, everyone!
- Please.

It's only Fake Christmas,
Ms. Schmidt-If-You're-Nasty.

I think this is cute.

And a little weird,
like a bunny with human teeth.

But why is she here?

I had to invite Mimi.

She had no place to go on Fake Christmas.

This is not a real holiday.

She had nowhere to go on a Thursday.

Well, I've got the Christmas spirit.

I made everybody stockings,

even Murasaki.

Murasaki doesn't do Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho!

- Merry Christmas!
- Santa!

Wait, I can't kiss you.

I'm married!

And Mrs. Claus is a beautiful
and very sexual woman.

Where was all this acting commitment

when I asked you to say it was my birthday
at Baskin Robbins?

- The Jews took my painting!
- What?

Now it's a party!

Ho, ho, ho.

You ho!


Where's Dong?

How would I know?

He says he's been working late,

and then I found this under his pillow.

- Is that my scrunchie?
- Hey!

You don't barge into people's tugboats...

uh, homes... and wave
a pocket butthole at them!

I put it there, Sonja.

I went to your house
to beg Dong to take me back.

He kicked me out,
but I hid this under his pillow.

I thought, that way,
I might be in his dreams,

like Freddy Krueger, but romantic,

but with the same sweater.

This seems much less
important than my thing.

I'm watching you, Kimmy,
and you never know where I am

because of my invisibility hat.

He kept my scrunchie.

Shut up!

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Well, Santa's got to be on his way.

Hang on, you're leaving?

- Sorry, little boy.
- Ew, stop.

You're a worse actor than Cate Blanchett.

What? She's great!

Is she?

Or is she just tall?


It's the worst Fake Christmas ever.

So this is what hell is like.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

What's eating you, sweetheart?

Some Jewish family
is claiming that the Nazis

stole my Mondrian from them in the '30s.

They can't take my painting!

- Well, maybe I can help.
- Really?

- I can't pay you.
- Come on.

I got your back with this painting thing.

I actually know a little something
about that world.

Twice a week, I'm a nude model

for what I'm pretty sure is an art class.

Kimmy, wh...

Dong, I know Sonja's at work,
so I knew you'd be alone.

Yes, Sonja is at work.

Look, Sonja found my scrunchie
under your pillow,

so I told her the truth:

that I put it there because I'm trying

to drive the two of you apart.

Oh, how could you?

- What a trick to play.
- I know.

I was being a real slutburger.

But since I'm here...


Now it's your turn.

Yeah, take it.

You have to leave!

I'm married!

I cannot suck on your scarf!

Fine, I give up.

Now that I know how you
really feel about me...

goodbye forever.

I hate you so much,

you crazy American witch.

I hate you, too.

Ah, Sonja.

Where did you come from?

This bus is taking forever!


I took the day off for Kimmy,
and now she's out chasing Dong.

You know what?

I'm going out, Mimi Kanassis.

I'm gonna find me an ice cream shop

that won't ask for ID
when I tell them it's my birthday.

Uh-uh, Rick.

I am not coming in to work on my day off.

Titus, we are slammed.

Jason just got a callback for Hamilton,

so we need you to cover his shift.

Why didn't I get an audition for that?

They're just prejudiced 'cause I can't rap

or walk quickly in a circle.

Titus, you know the day
the ground beef expires

is our busiest time of the month.

Just get down here, okay?

When will this liberal war
on Fake Christmas end?

So you're the creep who's trying
to take this painting

out of my children's mouths.

My name is Russ Snyder.

I'm the attorney for the Jewish
Art Reclamation Project,

or JARP!

Please excuse the sling.

I can't discuss it
due to an ongoing lawsuit,

but... the door said "push."

It did, okay?

So every...

All right,
let's get to the matter at hand.

I'm not giving anything to those whiners!

Ms. White, the family
pronounces it "Wiener."

And their claim
to Composition in Burgundy and Gold

is frankly unassailable.

But it's her painting! She bought it!

Yes, only after Hermann Goering stole it

so he could turn it into a dress.

Fortunately, the war ended
before he could create

what would have been
a real statement piece for him.

Now, take these.

Excuse the greasy hands.

I had an empanada con queso in the car.

Now, you can clearly see the evidence here

in this 1936 photo of the family home.

Oh, yeah, they look real Jewish.

What... No, they're standing
in front of the painting.


Because my painting has colors in it!

- All right, Mr. Dubbin...
- "Mister"?

I like him!

Let me know how your office
would like to proceed.

I'd like to bring some
well-deserved closure

to Harry Wiener and his late wife,
Ivana Eda-Wiener.

What do we do?

Well, we could either
give the painting back,

or I can stall this thing
pretty much forever.

- You can?
- Oh, yeah.

It's the one thing I'm better at
than my brother, David.

You should see him peel an orange.


We just let those bastards
twist in the wind,

like the twins on laundry day.

Exactly, so you just keep me
on retainer indefinitely,

and that painting stays with you.

See, I've got this little
courtroom stalling trick.








Well, this is some Fake Christmas.

Where did everybody go, anyway?

Jacqueline took the old lady
to the movies,

and the black guy's dead!


How did you fit in Rat Alley?

Why did you take the fall
for me with Sonja?

After the way I treated you,
I was like Cher in Clueless

pretending she wasn't falling for Josh.

As if!

You have every reason to hate me,

but you protected me.

You are such a good person, Kimmy.

Every day, after Sonja
goes to work at the U.N...

Wait, where?

I smell your scrunchie

and dream of when I am
divorced in two years.

As if!

I can't live like this.

- Run away with me!
- What?

No, I...

You were right this whole time.

We shouldn't wait to live our lives.

But you could lose everything.

Without you, I already have.

Sonja knows you work nights,

so take tonight off.

We could go somewhere together.

Like when Joey and Pacey
went to Aunt Gwen's cottage in

"The Creek of the Son of Daw."

But where would we go?

I think we're both
thinking the same thing.

On three.

One, two, three.


The Poconos.

What are you doing?

You're not Frankenwolf today.
You're filling in for Jason.

The Spooky Gravedigger?

Wait, I'm shift manager?

Do I still get to do my solo?

No, the Invisible Kraken
will take your part.

You have way too much work to do.


But those papers
have numbers on them, Rick.


The most boring of all the shapes!

Hey, are you the manager?

I think these Spooky Joes went bad.

Serve them anyway!

Have the customers no toilets?

Have they no trash cans?

Wow, will you look at this place?

Oh, my God.

A Wall Street fella
could really kill a lady in here.

It's all over.

All you got to do is pay the lawyer

to stall for you until the Wieners...

I can't do that!

I... I can't afford to do that.

I'm broke, okay?

Are you kidding?

With this apartment and that wig?

I can't stay here.

That painting was all I had left.

This is the painting?

It's just a bunch of squares
and, like, three paints.

A kid could draw this!

Or we could.

Well, we're getting closer.

Wait, which one is the original?

Oh, God.

I'll have to sell my diamonds and pearls.

Oh, honey, you're gonna have
to sell all your Prince albums.

Well, at least then I can cancel
my insurance policy.

I won't have anything worth insuring.

Hang on.

Is the painting insured?

Well, of course.

A standard policy against fire,
theft, orgy mist, and class war.

Well, why didn't you say so?

That's easy!

All you got to do is say
you're giving the painting back

to Harry Wiener and his daughter,
Anita Wiener-Statt.

But then... Oh, no...
a bunch of dogs eat it!

I know a guy who makes things happen.

What kind of things?

Well, let's just say
the New York Liberty did not beat

the Indiana Fever last night

on the strength of their crisp layups.

Here's the number.

I don't know if I can do that.

Think it over.

I've never stayed at a hotel before,

but I don't think this place is open.

When I called from the road,
the fax line was working.

Nope, it was that raccoon.

Let's find someplace else to stay.

I promised you Aunt Gwen's cottage, and...

This is better.

We can have whatever room we want,

and there's no way
anyone's gonna spot us here.

And look, they must have tennis!

Oh, man, no, I think
this used to be an orange.

I bet this place
used to be really romantic.


I mean, the bathtub's shaped like a butt!

"Warning regarding babies and hot tubs:

Due to the high temperatures
and their ability

to preserve prostatic fluid,
bathe at your own risk

of spontaneous pregnancy."

Wow, that's not where
I thought that was headed.

So we can do whatever we want.

I feel like Kevin McCallister
in Home Alone.

And I'm the old man with the shovel.

Okay, on three, let's both say
what we want to do.

One, two, three.

- Raid the candy machine!
- Lose my American virginity.

Candy machine.


Oh, yeah!


Please, ma'am,
I'm trying to be reasonable.

Heater's broken on six!

You'll have to take that up
with your credit card company,

but I can offer you
a complimentary waffle.

Mount Breezy Lodge.

Please hold forever.

So what should we do now?

I mean, what else do people
even do in hotels...

with beds...


We don't have to.

No, I want to.

Why do you think I packed
this fancy nightgown?

Let's brush our teeth!

Take a load off.

- Ah!
- Oh, I'm so sorry!

I don't know why I did that!

Did I do something wrong?

No, I just have problems.

I had a weird childhood.

Like Anna Chlumsky in My Girl.

Let's try again. Please.


I'm going to kiss you now.


Ugh, why does this keep happening?

Damn Creepy Coins.

Why can't we use gift cards
like everybody else?

Hey, Titus, since you're the manager now,

do you mind if I take off a little early?

I do mind.

You're being paid to be here, are you not?

Or perhaps you'd rather
I replace you with a Yuko.

But I have to take Tiny Tim to the doctor.

I don't care about...

Wait a minute, you don't have kids.

Tiny Tim is my nickname for my penis.

- He's very sick.
- Hogwash!

The hogwash just made it worse!

Fake Christmas or no,

you shall work befitting your situation!

If I gave everyone who had
a sick penis the day off,

there'd be no one here at all,
least of all me, sir!

Now, good day!

I've got to do it for my family.

I'm calling Lillian's guy.

I've got no choice.

I fail.

Calling voice mail.

No, idiot, I'm calling...

Yesterday, 9:10 p.m.

It's her voice mail, Virgil.

Hi, Jackie-Lynn, it's Mom.

I was in the paper!

I found a leaf
that looked like January Jones.

She's from South Dakota, you know.

She knows!

Oh, we forgot to tell you.

That secret society at Yale finally agreed

to return your
great-great-grandfather's skull.

It's a beer stein now,

but the important thing is,
is that he's home.

See, people do the right thing eventually.

I cut that leaf to look like her.

Call us when you can, dear.

Maybe this is still Home Alone.

It's just the part where Kevin
cripples those desperate men.

I don't want it to be Home Alone.

That's not... sexy.

What happened to...

Dawson's Creek!

Yeah, I get that a lot.

But like the name tag says, I'm Purvis.

That's what I wanted tonight to be like.

Remember the end of season one

when Dawson and Joey finally kissed?

It was so perfect!

Ha! Perfect.

She doesn't even end up with Dawson.

What? But it's his creek.

Yeah, Joey and Pacey go all the way

on the class ski trip
at the end of season four.

Well, I only saw season one

for totally normal not weird reasons.

And it's not like their thing
was all that perfect either.

I mean, Pacey and Joey
were totally fighting

for that entire ski trip

because of that blonde in the hot tub.

And what about that speech that she gave?

What was up with that?

"This is because you carried
my bag off the bus.

This is because
you taught me how to drive."

I mean, she makes sex

sound like some sort of...
McDonaldland gift card

you'd give your dog walker for Christmas.

I mean, how about, "This is because

I find you really attractive, Pacey.

This is because I love
your doughy little boy body,

and I know it's gonna tighten up one day."


He got through it.

Jeez, Purvis, I had no idea
it was so complicated.

Yeah, and don't even
get me started on sex.

I mean, it's weird, and it's gross,

and it's way too close
to where we poop and pee,

which is why I'm never gonna do it.

Well, I guess we all have our issues.

But as long as you find the right person,

you know, like Pacey and Joey,

none of the rest of that stuff
really matters.

Just the ice pack, then?



Good news!

Jason got the part in Hamilton
of break-dancing John Locke,

so consider yourself promoted!

You mean I have to do this job forever?

Yes, we are gonna have
to recast your old part.


Rodney could fit
into the Frankenwolf costume.

I get to sing?

Goodbye, Rodney Simmons.

Hello, Troylus Cressibo, star on the rise!

It's like looking into my own past,

right down to the six-pack abs.

Shut up.

I used to be like him.

Now I'm just sitting here
counting my money.

What will become of me if I keep this up?

Oh, God!

That's what the president looks like now?

Spirit, are you saying
that's what I'll turn into

if I'm the boss?

All gray and wrinkly
and everyone hates me?

Nah, man, I just want to know
if I can switch to hockey.

Is that really what it's all about?

What's the point of any of it?



My loyal servants.

You know what?

I quit!

I'm going home to celebrate Fake Christmas

with the people I fake love!

If I'm reading this right,

one of us needs to go back for a banana.

Let me see if I can figure it out.

I blame my mom for this.

She never taught me
about the birds and the bees.

And the Durnsville school system

only taught us
about the birds and the bees.

Did you know God won't let penguins fly

because they're gay?

Ready for the hurricane?

Uh, Kimmy?

Oh, no!

Have I been punching you
this whole time

and didn't realize it?

I think I have a latex allergy.

This happened once before
when I tried to sleep

on a pile of cut-up bike tires.

Call back.

And now I can't breathe,

which means my brain isn't getting

any of your emails, Peter.


Not My Girl.

It's supposed to be Dawson's Creek.

Hello, 911, this is Kimmy.

How are you?

I'm just trying to be polite.

I've never done this before.

And you're wasting my time!

Will you stop making those noises?

Okay, look, I'll have you know

that some of the most powerful men
in history

were mouth-breathers.

Lou Ferrigno, Henry Kissinger,

John Merrick, whom you may know better
as the Elephant Man.

Wow, and you're boring.

You're the total package!

Are we done here?

I think I just figured out
why a beautiful woman like you

is living alone,
but I'm afraid I can't leave

until the Mondrian does.

Look, I'm not the bad guy here, okay?


Well, then who is?

Who do I blame for all of this?


Kimmy did this to me.

She said I didn't need
a rich husband to support me,

but she was wrong.

I just want my old life back.

All right, just take the painting

directly to the granddaughter,

Maya Wiener-Hertz-Allott-Cozzabudts.

All right, let's go.

I got to wheels up back to D.C.
in 90 minutes.

He has a jet?

I haven't flown private in so long.

Yeah, okay, good.

That's it.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.


And I'm guessing this isn't
Mrs. Green Card

you were trespassing with
on a federal raccoon sanctuary?

This is the kind of stuff
Trump's talking about.

Yeah, you're telling me, Dave.

These Chinese guys
taking all our redheads.

I'll call Immigration.

I'm so sorry, Dong.

I ruined your life,

and we didn't even super make out.

You didn't ruin my life.

You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

You know, there's no
old telephones in here.

- Uh-huh.
- And you're in handcuffs...

which is making my brain feel calm

for more totally normal reasons.

Kimmy, are you sure?

We're never going to see each other again,

and it's really gross back here.

It's never gonna be perfect.


Thank... Thank God you're home!

I just chased some guy out of here

after I caught him wrecking your toilet!

Dong got arrested.

They're gonna send him back to Vietnam.

I got a guy who has some dogs,

but I don't think
his dogs are gonna be able

to eat your way out of this one.

Boy, what day is today?


Um, Thursday.

Oh, it hardly seems possible.

So much has happened!

I ran all the way home

because it seemed
more festive and dramatic,

but it took, like, four hours,
and it was definitely a mistake!

But I finally learned the true meaning
of Fake Christmas!

Since when do you care
about Fake Christmas?

Anyway, it's almost over.

Oh, Kimmy, don't you get it?

Fake Christmas
isn't about a day of the year,

and it's definitely not
about getting presents!


What in the hello, Operator,
please give me number nine?

Fake Christmas is about one simple thing.

It's about being with your fake family.

My baby servants.

♪ We had our Fake Christmas ♪

♪ At first it seemed so stupid ♪

♪ Then Titus learned a lesson ♪

♪ And had the group's only adventure ♪

♪ Hey, where is Mimi? ♪

♪ I bet she is dead by now ♪

Don't worry, it's just asbestos.

♪ Come on, let's order pizza ♪

♪ Come on, let's order pizza ♪

♪ I'd also go for Mexican ♪

♪ I'm out of cash ♪

By the way, I quit my job.

Baby girl, did you have sex today?

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!