Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady! - full transcript

A drunk Uber passenger convinces Kimmy to stop repressing her emotions. Meanwhile, a broken R. Kelly cassette tape pushes Titus over the edge.

Morning, Charlie!

♪ I'm hiking on sunlight, uh-huh ♪

♪ I'm hiking on sunlight, uh-huh ♪

♪ And it's sort of okay! ♪

Excuse me, Kimmy Lee and Hoda...

first pun of the day, don't judge...

I was not prepped for this level of pep,
Peppy Le Pew.

Puns getting better.

Sorry not sorry, Titus,

but I need these tunes to get pumped

for the old nine to five a.m.

♪ I used to know sometimes I ate cheese ♪

♪ But now I'm not sure ♪

What is this nunsense you're singing?

It's from Now That Sounds Like Music!

Titus, the tapes came!

"Music Inspired By, But Legally Different
From, the Music You Love."

♪ And doughnuts taste good ♪

This is "Hiking on Sunlight"
by Kartuna and the Wigs.

Come on.
Dance like you have ants in your pants.

I do have ants in my pants
due to some pocket taffy.

But I will not.


Don't tell me you still have the blues.

No, I switched flavors of Gatorade.

Now it comes out... Oh.

Yes, I have been feeling a bit low.

Quitting Professor Dracula's
was supposed to lead

to something great,
but so far, no one's offered me

any amazing jobs in this apartment.

Well, why don't you go see Mikey?

Mikey's away at ConCon,
the annual construction convention.

He's dressing as his favorite
silicone joint sealant.

It's Permatex.

Well, I know what always cheers me up:

singing in the shower!

What the huh?

Last night, after a box of key lime wine

and some shame spiraling,

I decided to give all my Barbies perms.

Some of them don't have the face for it.

But I need a shower.

I can't miss the morning rush.

That's when people
are most desperate for rides.

Hungover prep school kids,
fishmongers who overslept,

girls leaving John Mayer's houseboat.

No, they have to dry in place

before I can apply
the Japanese straightening goop!

Titus, don't you think you'd feel better

if you actually did something today?

Does holding in a fart count?

Why don't you go out
and get us more tape storage?

Now That Sounds Like Music!
is a four-tape compilation,

but we only have one slot left.

Who gets it?

It's like Sophie's Choice without Streep
chewing the scenery like a rat on drywall.

I will also require a per diem,
as I am out of taffy.

Oh, God!

I forgot about the ants!

They latched on to my tongue!

I'll get them off!

I can feel them giving birth!

Then stop eating it!

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

♪ Living's a toll road ♪

♪ I want to cruise it most of day... ♪

For your snacking enjoyment, sir,

the cup holders
are filled with today's dips,

bean and Fun.

Lik-a-Stix can be found

in a tear in the ceiling fabric above you.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister?

Did you tell Union Theological
we need an overhead projector?

Of course. You were on the email.

Oh, my gosh!

So funny!

"On the email"?

You guys.

Late for work, huh?

No thanks to John Mayer.

Excuse me, Mr. Khaki Pants.

I'm having trouble locating
your tape tower showroom.

- Our what?
- Tape towers.

For cassettes.

I'm thinking of something
in a walnut veneer

with a 50-tape capacity.

Or 100, if you can sell me.

Yeah, I don't think
they make those anymore.

- Maybe try eBay?
- On the Internet?

But I don't have a credit card.

When Samuel L. Jackson asks
what's in my wallet,

the answer is "ketchup packets."

What, girl Uber?

Yeah, Malala!

You got the address?

The spinning bar on top of the Marriott!

Goes the opposite way of my spins,

so I'm good for a couple more hours.

Oop, let me help you there.

What the hell's in the cup holder,

pink cocaine and poop?

Okay, yeah.

I'll eat some poop
if I can get pink cocaine.

So pretty fancy place you came out of.

Metal silverware and everything.

Special night?

No, I go there all the time.

They make the best vodka in a glass.

Why does it smell like a pine tree
gave birth to an onion in here?


My roommate, Titus,
filled the shower with his dolls

and didn't want to move them,

so I had to take an Ohio shower

using our disinfectant toilet wipes.

But I am kind of like a toilet,

'cause I'm white and full of beans!

Why would you let him treat you that way?

Is he hot?

Well, he's really shiny.

Kind of like a chess piece.

I guess I just did it 'cause I'm nice.

And that makes you happy?

Um, yeah.

Happy as a clam.

So, like, clenched up tight, full of grit,

and if you get pried open, you'll die?

That's a good one.

I got to remember that.

But hey, do you always

put other people's needs before yourses?

I'm the Reverend!

Which one of you dummies
wants to punch me?

I hate you!


And furthermore...

Well, I guess sometimes I put oth...

Happy people value their needs
as much as otherses'.

You need to go home and tell him...

What is his name, Titties?

You say, "Titties, I value my needs,

and I needs to take a shower.

Clean it up!"

Quick question.

How would you feel if I threw up?

Oh, if you need to, that's fine.

No, value your needs!

Don't just let people...

Oh, no.

Good, you're up.

Huh? Where am I?


Of course I'm awake.

Who eats Oreos in their sleep?

You're crazy!

Lookit, I need a shower.

My needs are as important as yours.

Women are funny!

Take that, original Ghostbusters.

Move your dolls.

No means no, Kimmy.

The Barbies' hair
got a little too straight.

Now I'm giving them beach waves.

Do I have to do everything around here?

I'm the only one working.

I cook all the Pop-Tarts.

How dare you?

You know I'm having a tough time,

and then you El DeBarge in here
telling me about your needs?

Happy people value their needs
as much as otherses'.

Where'd you learn that?

Have you been reading Chipotle bags again?

Tonight I drove a really smart lady

who gave me some advice
and had eaten corn earlier.

How could you do this to my Barbies?

You know, there's a special place in hell
for women who don't help other women.

Oh, my gosh.

Did you use the tape tower money

to buy tiny hair products and Oreos?

I'll have you know some youths
threw those Oreos at me.


I ask you to do one simple thing...


More like impossible.

I stood in front of that store for hours
before I realized

the doors weren't automatic!

I thought you were trying to change,

to see things through, but you couldn't.

You never can.

You quit your job.

You did your one-man show once.

And look at this book you're reading.

You dog-eared the cover!

Oh, baby girl...

I'm going wide.

You think I'm the one
who does things halfway?

"I'm Kimmy!

I have my GED,

I have normal kissing buddies
who definitely aren't deported,

and I totally learned to whistle!"

"And my emotion burps
don't smell like a kangaroo's pouch

full of old Indian food!"

You know what?

I'm gonna take a drive to clear my head.

And I can't even enjoy
how grown-up that sounds.

Stupid Titus.

At least I've got Shanson's "YUMBip"
to cheer me up.

♪ Yumbip, flip-flap Shaq doo flip ♪

♪ Snibby snip-snip boom fat
ship-ship cat doo ♪

♪ Yum, help... ♪

♪ Flip-flap Shaq doo flip ♪

♪ Snibby snip-snip boom fat
ship-ship cat doo... ♪


♪ Brother Baptist
Now this song seems sad ♪

♪ And you're probably feeling
pretty bad... ♪

Stupid Kimmy.

I don't give up on everything
that I... Whatever.

♪ What you doing, what you... ♪

It's not my fault
they don't sell tape towers anymore.

What am I supposed to...

♪ When the drums kick in
it all will change for you... ♪

I'll build my own tape storage!

♪ You're standing up ♪

♪ You just doubled your height ♪

♪ You might do something tonight ♪

♪ Like find another word
that rhymes with "tonight" ♪

You got the address?

"You up, question mark,

cartoon eggplant, cartoon eggplant"?

Where is that, SoHo?

That wasn't for you.

Seventy-ninth and Columbus.

So I took your advice.

I told my roommate
that I "valued my own needs,"

and then guess what happened.

You got in a fight, didn't you?

Is Shanson three albinos?

It was our worst fight ever.

Even worse than that time I didn't know

who or what Idris Elbow is.

Some people are scared of conflict, but...

it gets stuff done.

Aw, this isn't vodka.

I should never have listened to you.

I mean, with all the stuff
Titus has going on...

Shut up! Jesus.

What about all the stuff you got going on?

The only stuff I got going on
is that I got it going on.

Really? Let's see.

You're uncomfortable with conflict, obvs.

How come is that? Huh?

Number two... The deuce:

you put other people's needs
ahead of yours

because you're "nice."

You know what's another word for "nice"?


Number three: how you sleeping?

On a pool raft with a sheet over it. Why?

Look at that crap you're eating.

Eating and sleep are closely connected,
you know.

♪ Your sleep cycle is erratic ♪


I used to live...


You know who doesn't sleep?

Depressed people.

Well, you know who else
doesn't sleep a lot?


And they're always smiling.

Dolphins are rapists. Look it up.

That's not why they're smiling, is it?

And don't even get me started
on that peristalsis of yours.

The stanky burps, girlfren!

All burps smell bad.

They're the farts of the face.

No, you're Dursting.

Did you ever see The Jinx?

Fred Durst.

He did those burps.

You got some bad stuff inside,

and your body is trying to blast it out

through your face's mouth.

Who shoved me?


Ooh, see?

This is what healthy burps smell like.

Olives, cashews, P. Diddy vodka.

Is this where you live?

No, this is my office.

I have a eight a.m.,
so I'm just gonna sleep here.

The couch pulls out, so...

I can't get pregnant.

Help me!

Stop struggling.

You like this, lesbo?

I should charge you
for all this free therapy...


What do you mean "therapy"?

Wait, you're a psychiatrist?

Yeah, and I'm good.

I got one of these little noise machines
and everything.

It goes "shh"

so you can't hear other peeps' crying.

So where to you go to serapy?

Who, me?

I don't need therapy.

Yeah, you do.

Okay, well, I think
I've gone above and beyond

the Uber oath that I made up.

Listen, I'm telling you this
because I love you.

If you don't deal with
whatever you're repressing,

one day, your body's gonna take over

and do something rough.

You'll find yourself
wandering along a highway

or eating at a Boston Market.


I am in control of my own body.


Why won't you open?

Oh, oh, my spine, my spine.

I'm gonna rip your beard off.

Ugh, why does this keep happening?

Miss, for a dollar,

is Cate Blanchett good,
or is she just tall?

- Ow!
- Too loud!

- What?
- What are you?

No, she's a treasure!

She's a treasure!


I'm just saying,

when you shove your problems down,

they're gonna bust out in weird ways.

Whatever, Andrea.

I don't need to be shrunk
like some Rick Moranis kid.

I'm blowing up like a Rick Moranis baby!

I've dealt with my stuff.

It's all in the rearview mirror.

This guy knows what I'm talking about!

The bunker and the Reverend

and having to chew my own haircuts,

that's all ancient history,

like George Washington or Bradifer.

Oh, but Andrea's so smart.

I'm repressing stuff.

To quote Titus, "You don't know me, girl.

I'm a grown-ass man.

Now slide my pizza
under the bathroom door!"

'Cause guess what, Andrea.

I'm doing great.

Thanks for riding the Cyclone.

Exit to your right.

Where am I?

Did I just ride a fudging roller coaster?

Yeah, all by yourself.

I didn't do anything.

Coney Island?

Jeepers, Terry, and Broseph.

This is bad.

♪ I'm freaking out ♪

♪ Hey, everyone, I'm freaking out ♪

♪ Totally ♪

Okay, not so bad.

It's still made better than any
Frank Lloyd Wright house,


Je said it.

Welcome to your new home,

R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"

But I measured so carefully
with a Fruit by the Foot!

No wonder Jesus quit carpentry.

It's so much harder
than talking on a donkey.

Think thin, baby girl.

♪ I'm freaking out... ♪

Heavens to Murgatroyd.

What have I done?

♪ Don't like it, but I'm freaking out... ♪

This is bad.

♪ Of my mind ♪

Well, you were right. It happened.

And I've got the souvenir photo
to prove it.

And if I'm being honest,
it's not the first time

I've lost control.

Once at a petting zoo, I slapped a goat

because it had a beard.

So here I am. I need help.

Therapize me.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Are you serious?

I'm Kimmy.

Last night, I took off your tights
and emptied them in that trash can.

Oh, you.

Yes, I remember your shape. Kimmy.

Do you know how I got rug burns
on my hands and knees?


I'm just trying to put you to bed.

No! Me baby!

Baby no go night-night.

Wow, okay.

I apologize that you had to see that.

Obviously, I can't be the person
to help you.

What? Why?

I mean, I tucked you in and helped you

cut up pictures of someone named Trent.

Good Lord, that's why.

It would be completely unethical.

The doctor-patient relationship
requires boundaries.

But what if it wasn't that?

What if we helped each other?

Helping is kind of my thing.

I helped Ms. Jacqueline
get divorced and poor.

That doesn't sound great.

But I know I could get that vodka monkey

off your back and into a tuxedo,

the way monkeys look best.

No! God.

I make my life work

by separating my days
from what I do at night.

It's called compartmentalizing,
and it's not a problem,

because I know the words to describe it.

Andrea, this morning,
my body went to Coney Island without me.

I woke up on a roller coaster.

A dissociative fugue?

A huge... what you said.

But why a roller coaster?

What is the significance...

No. Boundaries.

You told me to ask for what I need,

and I need you.

I can't. I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Dr. Bayden.

- Harold, damn it.
- Couch man!

Is this coming out of my time?

Harold, I apologize.

I know you have anxiety
about being overlooked,

but I would point out
that you made the choice

to wear the same colors as my couch.

Even my cat forgets I'm there.

She just ruins my stuff in front of me.

Please excuse us.

I woke up on a roller coaster.

You and me both, girl.

I've tried to buy a tape tower,
make a tape tower.

Hell, I tried to buy a tape tower.

In the process, my R. Kelly cassingle

passed on to R&B heaven.

It's trapped in the closet
with angels now.

Big surprise.

But that's not gonna stop me.

You think I can't do anything
without your help,

but I'm gonna prove you wrong.

I just need one thing: your help.

Too bad!

I need to help myself, Titus,
but I don't know how.

I've got all this junk from the past...

Junk? Past?

Kimmy, you did it!

All by myself!

In order to find this tape tower,
I have to go back in time,

and I know just where to do it.

I mean, I'm here for you.

Of course my thing can wait.

But full disclosure,

I can feel myself giving up on it already.

Soon I'll be sitting,

and you know
all my clothes double as pajamas.

Whatever. Just go.

I'd rather be alone anyway.

Chin up, baby girl.

No, really, you're turkey-necking.

Love you!

- Hello?
- It's Andrea!

Pick me up, bitch!


How'd you get my number?

I told Uber I left a baby in your car.

Come on, you said you'd help me, right?

Is this about your drinking?

It is.

She said, gravely.

Why should I do anything for you?

You wouldn't help me.

And how did that make you feel?


And now you want another person
to feel crummy?

Of course not.

Then pick me up, playa!

♪ You're doing stuff ♪

♪ Making moves left and right... ♪

Discarded Livestrong bracelets.

The Union Cycliste Internationale

voided Lance Armstrong's titles in 2012.

I'm going back in time!

This doesn't look like where they sent
Dylan McKay

for his drinking problem.

No, this isn't rehab.

We just got to steal my ex-boyfriend's dog
real quick.


Yeah, this'll show him

that we should get back together.

You told me this was about your drinking.

It is.

If I weren't so drunk,
I could steal a dog by myself.


You're just gonna abandon me here

in the middle of nowhere,

drunk, with no ride home and no shoes?

I know you, Kimmy.

You're a helper and a self-sacrificer.


- Fudge!
- Trust fall.

I'm in your head.

Well, I'm in your head too.

I know you're gonna throw up later.

No shiss, Herlock!

Here, boy or girl.

Here, boy or girl.

I found the dog!

Feel how soft his head is.

That's not Trent's dog.

Oh, this isn't Trent's house.

Right, he moved to Denver
to "work on his marriage."

Someone's coming.

- Run, Lillian!
- Suck it, Trent.

I love you!

You said this was the wrong house!

I forgot.

Well, I'm sorry you had
a kick-ass adventure

and met a dog.

Ugh, did I write myself another note
during the day?

"Please don't get drunk tonight.

Think of Mom.

And you should be working on the book.



Day me sucks.

I'm sorry she wouldn't treat you.

Maybe I could see you at night.

No, if I'm gonna do this,

I kind of want someone
who remembers stuff.

Okay, well,
maybe I could see you at night.

It's like, I finally figure out
that I need help,

and I can't even get it.

What is your deal again?

I was locked in an underground bunker

for 15 years by an insane reverend.

Shut your tomato face.

Come on, I gots to treat you!

Well, maybe you should write a note
to day you about that.

Even if I could hold a pen right now,
she would never listen to me.


That foot has a toe ring on it.

I'm in the '90s!

Nineteen ninety-nine!

A Furby!

Oh, God, it's still alive!

Kill me!

Sweet Baby Jesus Jones.

What's up, Doc?

I had a carrot,
but I dropped it on the subway.

Kimmy, this is a nonstarter.

- You said you'd say that.
- When?

Oh, God, did I see you last night?

Why don't I let you answer that?

What up, Drea?

Yeah, you're Drea from New Jersey.

Ugh, she's awful, right?

I mean, you don't like
spending time with her, do you?

I'm the fun one.

I ran the marathon.

Here's the deal, dummy.

You help this girl,

or this little videotape is going

to the state licensing board,
Trent, Dr. Gursky,

and all our stepdads.

Suck it.

Kimmy, you don't strike me
as the type of person

who would blackmail...

You should keep watching.

I know you know
Kimmy wouldn't blackmail us.

Look at this face.

- Say a bad word.
- Frown.


She's a good person, but I'm not.

I sell my doorman Adderall!

Come on.

You know you want to shrink the eff

out of that busted little walnut brain
in a clown wig.

- Hey!
- Because Kimmy's got real problems.

Worse than us, and I know you are

sick of listening to all that weak-tit
Manhattan angst.

"I have so many unread emails!"

"My child's not learning enough Mandarin!"

"Why is it so warm in November?"

You're doing this.

You need to do this.

And a happy person values their needs.

Future Kimmy, give her the envelope.


What is...


I farted in there.

All right.

Let's get started.

Dang it, Harold!

But I'm a person!

How long have you been in here?

Titus, you did it!

I know! I did!

I'm almost there!

I'm a really slow runner.

Should I wait here, or...

Whatever you want.

I did something too.

I'm starting therapy tomorrow.

We are both equally brave.

I just wish I could get
my R. Kelly cassingle back.

You know what's just as good
if you don't listen that hard?

Art Smelly's "I'm Convinced I Can Swim"?

From the soundtrack
to the movie Earth Jelly.

♪ I'm convinced I can swim ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure that I have a fin ♪

♪ I dream about going in a pool ♪

♪ I kick and splash and I look real cool ♪

♪ Okay, I've never seen a pool ♪

♪ But I'd like to visit one with you ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm sure it's a fin ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ I'm convinced I can swim ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!