Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Kimmy Gives Up! - full transcript

Kimmy needs to study for the GED, but she's worried about Dong getting deported. Jacqueline puts Buckley on Dyziplen to treat his hyperactivity.

Hi, I'm Kimberly Schmidt.

I'm supposed to take my GED
tomorrow, but I never got

my confirmation letter.

Took a couple extra years, but I'm
finally gonna graduate high school.

The test details for your class
were mailed out weeks ago.

I only have one left for
a student with no home address:

Richard Pennsylvania?

That's Dong Nguyen.

We were basically the Roz
and Frasier of our class,

but not sexy like that,
just, you know, cool.

I get it.

I kind of have a Kyle
and Maxine thing with my boss.

Oh, you don't know
Living Single,

but I'm supposed to know
everything about Frasier?

Y'all stole the name Frasier
from us anyway.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females
are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know,
a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

All right, Kimmy, today is a big day,
so we need to move quickly.

Like chop-chop,
that place where they cut your hair

during plastic surgery.

My First Americans
for Turtle Island Charity

is having its premier gala in three weeks,

so today I get to do
my single most favorite activity...

♪ A private wardrobe fitting ♪

♪ Fitting ♪

Karl Lagerfeld is lending me
something from his designer line

"Crotte de Nez," but Buckley
has a doctor's appointment

and school is closed
for Rupert Murdoch's birthday,

so you'll have to stay on top of him.

He behaves more when you sit on his chest.



Kimmy, stop him!

Oh. Where is she?

I need a helper!

Vera? Juanita?


Other Vera?

All right.

♪ Oh, what a glorious morning ♪

Oh, come on.

♪ Oh, all the joy it will bring ♪

♪ If I don't mind never voting ♪

♪ Or my church burning down while I sing ♪

What the heck song is that?

That is "A Glorious Morning,"
a now-banned classic

from the black version of Oklahoma

called Alabama.

♪ Oh, the cropper and the
Klansman should be friends ♪

♪ Run, run! ♪

What is up with you?

Who died and left you
a trunk full of hats?

Nothing's up with me.

These are famous show tunes
that everyone loves.

You seriously don't know these songs?

My family was poor.

The closest thing we had to a radio

was a mentally ill uncle
who talked about the weather

every nine minutes.

Good news, your crash course
in the Great American Songbook

starts immediately
and lasts forever!

Titus, do I have any mail?

Girl, you know I don't know.

Check my Quest Diagnostic Barbie chalet.

I missed a GED letter.

It looks like this.

Kimmy, why do you have this?

They didn't have an address for Dong,
so I'm gonna drop it off.

You sure you're not just using this
as an excuse to see him?

Like when Bobby Durst came back

to get his conveniently forgotten
bow saws?

Sly devil.

Maybe real devil.

Lillian, if I just wanted to see Dong,
I'd have gone back

for my scrunchie already.

I mean, that's 78¢ down the drain.



Without blue, my whole weekly
rotation is off.

I can't wear a green scrunchie
on Thursday.

Everyone will think I'm horny.

That's true. I will.

Why are you helping Dong at all?

He dumped you.

I'm not gonna let him fail his GED

because he broke up with me.

Kiddo, all I'm saying is seeing him again
might be tougher than you think.


Tougher than keeping hope alive
in a bunker

where the end of your braid
is your toothbrush

and your best friend?


I'll be fine.

I'll just stick it in his mail slot.

He won't even see me.


That reminds me of this gem

from the Helen Keller-inspired-
but-unauthorized musical,

Feels Like Love.

♪ In the game of hide and seek
I'm the first one to be found ♪

♪ But when it comes to love ♪

♪ I have to feel my way around ♪

♪ Does he even see me? ♪

♪ Is he screaming my name? ♪

♪ Is this him or a mop ♪

♪ Or a chair or a cop? ♪

♪ Sad to say, but to me
Feels the same ♪

You're being weird.

Take that, fishes!

I'm sorry, I don't know what's
gotten into Buckley today.

He's usually much more of
a someone else's problem than this.

Your son's in good physical health,
Ms. White.


That's odd.

We don't have an anatomy
skeleton in this office.

But in terms of behavioral development,

Buckley could benefit from
a little discipline.


Don't worry, I'm not suggesting
actual parenting.


I know how busy we all are.

I'm talking about medication.


"Treats hyperactivity, ADHD,

and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder."

No, my son doesn't need
to be medicated.

He just bites sometimes
to loosen his baby teeth.

No, I'm not saying Buckley
has any diagnosable

behavioral disorder,
just he's a handful.

Which is a medical term
for how many pills he needs.

Think it over.

You're my bitch, Geoffrey.

Okay, Kimmy, just pretend
it's any old door.

Hey, door.
What's up?

Cool, cool.

You ever miss being a tree?

Yeah, I get that.

Anyway, just gonna shove
a letter-ino up your mouth flap.


Hi, Kimmy!

We never see you anymore!

Come in.

Oh, no. I can't stay.

You two catch up.

I'll make popsicles for everyone.

Oh, no, you don't...

Kimmy, I thought I made myself clear.

Clearly Canadian.

Crystal Pepsi.

I was just dropping off your GED letter.

My test is in a couple weeks.

Cool, well, I guess we're done here.

Oh, do you have my blue scrunchie?

I left it at your party.

It smells like Salon Selectives
and silverfish poison?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's fine if you threw it out,
you just owe me 78¢.

And I'll pay you when I have
that kind of money lying around.

Dong, are you okay?

Sonja and I have an interview
tomorrow at Immigration.

If we can't prove we're a real couple,
I'll get deported.

I don't want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy.

It's full of baby boomer tourists

trying to feel something.

Look, you always knew how
to prepare for a test.

What do you have so far?

Our wedding album.

This is the only picture.

Is this from a security camera?

No, it's from our witnesses:

two Harlem Globetrotters who were
getting gay married right after us.

So make a fake photo album.

In my experience, if someone has
good pictures and a glue stick,

they can make it look like
they dunked on Jesus,

and some girls will believe it,
for, like, 15 years.

I'm sure you and Sonja have someone
who could help you take pictures.

I can ask Neptune to help.

Because he's a non-sexual friend.

You're being paranoid, Dong.

Anyway, the popsicles
will just be another 40 minutes.

This is hopeless.


just let me help you.

I don't know, Kimmy.

Are you sure you can handle that?

I mean...

Don't worry about me.

I'm like a biscotti.

People act like I'm this sweet cookie,

but I'm really this super hard thing

that nobody knows what I am or why I am.

So let's do this!

Let's take a bunch of pictures
of you and Sonja

going to first base
super hard on each other!

Okay, so you can be Megatron,
and I'll be Optimus Prime.


Hey, other robot guys,
let's go save the sun or whatever.


You're a bad guy.

Oh, God.

Okay, ow.
All right.

Okay, I extinguished your Allspark.

- Now you're dead.
- Oh, no.

Now I'll have to lie down
and be left alone.

Kimmy, where are you?

- I need some help here.
- Hey, no.

You have to stay still until
Sky Lynx saves you.

- You lost your Allspark.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Ms. White, I'm sorry.
I can't come over right now.

I have the GED
and a crafting emergency...

Are you listing things at me?

I need you here now.

There's no school
and I don't have a television.

Lagerfeld is sending over
a squad of his nastiest boys

for my dress fitting.

They hate children.

If my crotchfruit is here,
they'll know I'm a moo!

No, you can't move.

Ms. White, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry,

just get here.

You'll pay for this, Starscream.

Kimmy, I've never spent an entire day

alone with Buckley.

I've always had help from someone:

a nanny or a driver

or an iPad taped to a bag of sugar.

I don't know how to do this.

What if it poops?

I don't know what to say.

Maybe you could take him to the park.

He loves the big slide at 66th Street

'cause sometimes nannies fall down it.

You might have fun.

Okay, so now I'll be Mark Wahlberg.


Autobots, roll out!

Take that, Megatron!

♪ Stoop Crone, no loitering please ♪

♪ Stoop Crone, you're kind of a skeeze ♪

That better be from a musical.

Of course!

It's from Rodgers and Hammerstein's

Croon, Crone, Croon!
which was eventually reworked

into The Sound of Music.

Oh, thank you, Nazis,
for saving show business.

I said it!

Yeah, well, Kimmy never came back.

Probably still with Dong
making goo-goo eyes

'cause our building
gives everyone pinkeye.

So you think she still loves him?

Like in one of the great love songs
of all time,

"You're My Baby Now"?

♪ Baby, I get lost ♪

♪ In your big blue eyes ♪

♪ Can't help dreaming of you ♪

♪ And those alabaster thighs ♪

Ooh, that's risqué.

Don't be disgusting, Lillian.

It's from Daddy's Boy,
an innocent musical

about a father's love for his infant son.

The composer was beaten
to death in jail,

which reminds me of
another song you'll definitely know.

♪ Whomp goes the billy club ♪

♪ Whomp goes the billy club ♪

♪ Splorch goes the Irishman's skull ♪

You can't say two words without singing.

Wait a minute.

You don't want to teach me songs.

You can't stop singing
'cause you're happy.

Happy? No.

I'm just singing because...

Lillian, no.



Well, why wouldn't you be?

You're dating a nice boy,
your one-man show went good,

and you got a free piano.

This is the best your life has ever gone.


You're wrong, Stoop Crone!

Nothing different is happening!

♪ This is just an ordinary day ♪

♪ I'm just an ordinary gay ♪

♪ Which is why I'm talking to you
in such an ordinary way ♪

But, Titus...

♪ I am dancing away from you ♪

♪ I am prancing away from you ♪

We Three Marionettes of 1971.

♪ Sometimes I get lost
in your big blue eyes ♪

♪ I just can't help dreaming
'bout your alabaster thighs ♪

♪ Though you love to tease
and give your daddy sass ♪

♪ How I love my baby's naughty little ♪

♪ Personality ♪

♪ You're my baby now ♪

♪ How I love to hug and hold you ♪

♪ You're my baby now ♪

♪ For when daddy's arms enfold you ♪

♪ And I rock-a-bye my baby
in your warm and wooly nightie ♪

♪ Baby always has
a big surprise for daddy ♪

♪ In his didy ♪

♪ You're my baby now ♪

♪ When you're squirming in my lap-y ♪

♪ Such a big boy, wow ♪

♪ You make daddy very happy ♪

♪ Brains and muscles, man, you got 'em ♪

♪ You're the tops and I'm the bottom ♪

♪ I'm a lucky daddy ♪

♪ 'Cause you're my baby now ♪

♪ But you'll grow up ♪

♪ And you'll be gone ♪

♪ Then I'll sing a different song ♪

♪ You're not my baby now ♪

Parkour attack!

How are you feeling, sweetheart?

The label on your special candy

said you'd be much calmer by now.

I am gonna make that into a waterslide!

This is my structure!

You're all fired!


Mother, may I please go again?


Of course.

Is he on Dyziplen?

Praise Jesus.

Thank God the FDA fast-tracked that drug.


Tag, you are it.

I am.

Thank you.

Is every child here on Dyziplen?

Oh, yes.

That drug saved me so much time,

I was finally able to finish
my tell-all book about my boss.

It's called Sippy Cup Rosé
and it's gonna have a shoe

on the cover.

I can't believe how calm they all are.

Mommy, I am tired.

Can we go sit someplace quiet
like a shoe store?

Of course, my sweet baby.

♪ You're my baby now ♪

Stoop Crone!

I know you haven't been studying
because I found your GED books

coated with a day's worth of asbestos.

What are you doing?

Also, try not to breathe in here
too much from now on and before.

Lillian, I'm fine.

I've been studying for weeks,
and I just have to take

one more photo of Dong and Sonja
so he doesn't get deported.

We're recreating their fake engagement

at Sonja's annual Grammy Awards party.

A Grammy party?

Is this woman insane?

Well, I think she's cheating
on Dong with a statue, so you tell me.

If all this is about helping Dong,

then how come your bookmark is this?

It's all right here in your MASH.

Apparently you're gonna live in a shack,

drive a Porsche,

honeymoon at FAO Schwarz,

all with your husband Dong.

Fine, you win.

I have hope.

Hope that got me through
15 years in the bunker.

I don't quit.

Sweetie, you can't keep running
into a brick wall.

Shows what you know.

How does the Kool-Aid Man do this?

Kimmy, I was you once.

I waited like a fool
for something that could never be.

And his name...

was the Second Avenue Subway.

It was a he?

Oh, you're goddamn right it was.

The city had been promising
to build it since 1916,

so I figured by the '70s,
it was due any minute,

so I waited for years
in a tiny Murray Hill apartment,

not a pot to piss in.

It was a plastic cup with
Reggie Jackson on it.

Donna Maria and I bathroomed

into a trick-or-treating pumpkin.

I waited and I suffered,

but the subway didn't come,
so I gave up on the train,

I left Murray Hill, and I moved here

where I met the love of my life.

So you quit?

I know you're tough and you never give up.

Sometimes the hardest thing
to do is just quit

and walk away.

Sorry, but giving up isn't my jam.

My jams are grape, jock, and space,

and I've got 12 hours till my test.

I'm fine.

♪ You do not define me, Richard ♪

♪ I cannot be owned ♪

♪ And if I had my way, Richard ♪

♪ I would die alone ♪

♪ Eaten by birds ♪

♪ Digested by birds ♪

♪ Shat out by birds ♪

♪ Alone ♪

Stephen Sondheim's Pinocchio.

What happened?
You were so happy before.

I was until you said I was!

Well, how did my calling you happy
make you sad?


When I was singing before,
it didn't even occur to me

that I was happy.

I thought it was just gas
coming out in a weird way,

but then you pointed out
that this is the best my life

has ever gone, and now I'm panicked
I'm gonna lose it all!

Happiness is fleeting, Lillian,

and you fleeted it!

Oh, my...

Ms. White, I'm sorry,
but I still can't make it.

Actually, Kimmy,
I don't need help with Buckley.

We had an amazing day.

Shopped for shoes, lunched at The Carlyle,

even had our caricatures done
in Central Park.

Are you sure it's Buckley?

Does he have an English accent?

'Cause it could be a parent trap.

No, it was me.

I did it.

I'm like a female Mr. Mom.

It's hard to admit this, Kimmy,

but the only reason I had
Buckley was to hook Julian.

I've never really known
how to connect with him,

but today was more rewarding
than I could have ever imagined.

Good for you!

See what happens
when you don't give up hope?

Anything is possible!

We should start a band!

Look, the only thing I need you
to do is pick up Buckley's medication.

I'm almost out,

and I need him to behave at the fitting.

Wait, you gave him drugs
to make him behave?

I know you were frozen in ice
for ten years or whatever,

but tons of people take this stuff now.

So have you tried it?

Of course I have.

What kind of mother do you think I am?

Why, I'm on it now, and I feel great!

So great, in fact,
I'll go to the drugstore myself,

despite the fact the last time
I was in a drugstore was in 2004,

and an employee named LaDonica
said to me,

"Bitch, I don't know your life."


I can't find Sonja!


I don't know where she went.

She didn't even take her phone.

So your wife disappeared.

It's just you and no wife right now?

Our interview's first thing
in the morning.

We can find her, right?

Never give up.


We are both thinking about not giving up

in the exact same way right now.

She could be anywhere,

but let's first start with
the last two places

she was asked to leave:

I'll check the zoo,
you check Maggie Gyllenhaal's porch.

This is what I want my funeral
to look like:

surrounded by friends.

The only limits are your imagination.

Let's go crazy!


What do you think?

I don't know.

They're just clothes.

She isn't worth it, Quentstopher!

I already have clothes.

Why would I need more clothes?

What's happening?

My brain.

It's Talbots-ing.

Dyziplen ate my joy.

I just checked the morgue.

They said Sonja
hasn't been there in weeks.

Our interview is first thing
in the morning.

Guess it's back to Vietnam
to work at the family business...

a sweatshop that manufactures
iPhone notification sounds.




I could be Sonja.

I could go with you to Immigration.

Who knows you better than I do?

We finish each other's senten...


And wow, this is weird,
but I already have an album

full of pictures of us.

I think Immigration could
believe we're in love.

Here we are in a Central Park
paddleboat, where your legs

are totally just as strong as mine...

Stop it!

Why do you keep doing this?
I'm married.

- But don't you still hope...
- No.

Kimmy, Sonja was there
when I needed her,

and now we have an arrangement
that works.

I get to stay in the country,
and she gets a husband

who can be a male role model
for her birds.

You're gonna ruin everything!

Let it go!

You're being crazy!


Your wife thinks
she's hooking up with Neptune!

Kimmy, you're right!

I am?

About which part?

I'm sorry, Neptune.

It's over.

Here are your CDs back.

I was worried about you.

Always take your phone and charger.

Okay, cool.


Dong, I guess I'll just see you
when you have that 78¢

for my scrunchie.

You can bring it by whenever.

Hang on.

Well, I guess I'll go take my GED,

which is in a few hours.

I'll let you know how it goes,

maybe give you some answers.

Abraham Lincoln, potassium,


that kind of stuff.


Oh, my God.

What happened?

My fitting.

What gown did I...

Holy Jesus!

A peplum?

Oh, no.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

Crepe palazzos?

You're not a gown at all, you monster!

Good morning, Mommy.

Good morning, Buckley.

Do you want to draw something
with your markers?

Ruin the wall for Mommy, Buckley.

No, thank you.

I like how it's all white and flat...

like my dreams.

Goodbye, sweet boy.

I'm gonna ace this.

Science section, blammo!

English section,
wherefore art thou, Blammeo?

What's next?

Karate section. Let's do this!

Puppy-naming section, go!

Dexter, Patches, Reggie!

Skip it and come back.

Ginger, Winston, Beemer!

Math section.

If Dong is a subway train
traveling away from Kimmy

at a trillion miles an hour,
how long will you wait

before you fudge up your life?

Oh, no.

And time.

Why didn't you wake me up?

I don't go to where you work
and tell you to wake me up.

Buckley, Mommy needs
to find a gala gown.

Can you be a good...


Do you have any Met Ball-style dresses?

I'm fine with sheer panels
and rump chains.

Die, Decepticon!
Acid spray!


I'm so sorry.

- Buckley, sweetie.
- Die, die, die!

Give the mannequin its arm back.

Maybe you should come back
some other time.

Sans crotchfruit.

Hold on, I just need
to extinguish his Allspark.

Oh, with Dyziplen?
I take that.

You're all going in the freezer!

Prime, I'm destroying your spark
with my ion blaster!

Now he can't move until Sky Lynx
regenerates him.

So can you bring me something in my size?


Oh, I'm sorry, were you an eight or a ten?


Autobot, this Trypticon
is gonna meet Hellscream!



Hey, Red.

Well, I failed the GED because
I can't quit Dong.

I just... I don't like giving up on stuff.

I still want Nickelodeon
to take over my school.


You had your first real love

and it ended badly.

But Dong's only gonna be married
for two years.

I can do two years standing on my head.

Actually, in the bunker...

Again with the bunker.

You're like one of those ladies
who go to Montreal,

and then, suddenly,
everything is about Montreal.

Kimmy, the sooner you quit
something that stinks,

the sooner you can find
something that doesn't.

Save your hope for that.

So, anything bad happen to you yet?

You sat next to me.

Titus, that crapped-up
Raggedy Ann out there

had a tough day,

but we both know
her luck is gonna change.

Just like we both know
your good times can't last forever.

Maybe you'll marry Mikey,
maybe you'll break up.

Maybe you'll live together for decades,

but then he'll die first
of an awful brain disease.

Damn it, Lillian, what kind of white
Six Feet Under nonsense is this?

Maybe I should put it in terms
that you could understand.

"When I was a little girl,
many moons ago,

my mother gave me a bit of wisdom,

because wisdom was all she had."

Is that from
Gangly Orphan Jeff,

the ill-fated musical that
opened six days after Annie?

♪ Oh, the sun will rise in the morning ♪

♪ Or so I'm told ♪

♪ But who knows? ♪

♪ You could win a million bucks
in the morning ♪

♪ And then get rolled ♪

♪ By a mob of stinking hobos ♪

♪ Good news ♪

♪ You can't lose when you tell
Mr. Blues that you choose ♪

♪ To keep going ♪

Goodbye, Dong.

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll keep on moving forward ♪

♪ Even if we don't know
what we're moving toward ♪

♪ They say life's too short
but they're wrong ♪

♪ It's so long ♪

♪ Sometimes the only way to go ♪

♪ Is to just go on ♪

♪ Keep a smile in your pocket ♪

♪ When the wolf is rat-a-tatting
at the door ♪

♪ Just lock it tight ♪

♪ Keep a dream in your heart
and you'll never ever ♪

♪ Want for more ♪

♪ Unless you're in a knife fight ♪

♪ Chin high ♪

♪ Spit in the eye of the folks
who can't stop laughing ♪

♪ At the stupid things you've done ♪

♪ Don't ever stop, even though
your heart is breaking ♪

♪ Don't look over your shoulder ♪

♪ At the love you left behind ♪

♪ They say life's too short ♪

♪ But they're wrong ♪

♪ It's so long ♪

♪ Sometimes the only way to go ♪

♪ Is to just go on ♪

♪ You're my baby now ♪

♪ How I love to hug and hold you ♪

♪ You're my baby now ♪

♪ For when daddy's arms enfold you ♪

♪ And I rock-a-bye my baby
in your warm and wooly nightie ♪

♪ Baby always has
a big surprise for daddy ♪

♪ In his didy ♪

♪ You're my baby now ♪

♪ When you're squirming in my lap-y ♪

♪ Such a big boy, wow ♪

♪ You make daddy very happy ♪

♪ Brains and muscles, man, you got 'em ♪

♪ You're the tops and I'm the bottom ♪

♪ I'm a lucky daddy ♪

♪ 'Cause you're my baby now ♪

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.