Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

Excuse me, ma'am?


I'm looking for Titus Andromedon.

Oh, yeah?

What do you want with him?

- You Italian?
- Um, yeah.

He and I have some personal business
to attend to.

No, if this is about what he did

in that Sbarro bathroom,
I understand the Sbarro family

must feel deeply disrespected,

but there's no need for a revenge killing.

No, no, no, it's just a date.

We're going on a date tonight.

It's my first gay date, lady.

Well, what do you know?

Lillian Kaushtupper:



cat collector.

Mikey Politano:

uh, construction worker,

Mets fan,

bad at lists.


Let's go surprise Titus.


Lillian, you cannot bring
gentlemen callers in

four hours early.

I am not yet a butterfly.

I'm just cocoon goo.

Eh, it's always cocoon goo with you.

Hey, I know you.


I was walking by your construction site,

and you said you wanted to be my jeans.

So what happened?

Did you ever get to be jeans?

Kim-estic worker,

please grab me a towel out of the dryer.

Dang it!

Now where are we gonna store
this oven door?

In the oven.

Hang on. I can, uh, fix that for you.

Ooh, la-di-da.

A functioning oven.

Next thing you know, this tugboat...
I mean building.

This is a normal apartment building,

Look, I'm sorry to bug you,

but I just got a couple questions
about tonight.

Like, how late do you think
we're gonna be out?

Midnight, eastern gay time,
which is 3:00 a.m.

And if we go to a gay bar,
can I get a beer?

And which one of us
opens doors for the other?

Or are there no doors?

- Do we not use doors?
- Whoo.

You got to make like
a 30-year-old single girl

and settle.

Can you help me pick out an outfit?

First of all, outfits normally pick you.




How does a Patriots shirt not work?

Those guys are so freaking gay!

You need my Ex-Box.

This is where I keep all the junk
that was left here

by heartbroken exes, part-time lovers,

Amish boys on Rumspringa, and So Ahn,

a contortionist
with the Korean national circus.

Now, which incarnation of Madonna

do you most identify with?

There are wrong answers.

Okay, turn around.

Now walk a little for me.


And I'll see you tonight.

Hey, thanks for all the help.

Pardon my French, but le foop.

I knew Mikey was new,
but that boy's a baby.

This is going to be like Beethoven
making love to a baby.

Ah, come on.

He has a real job,

and he's got a picture of his mom
in his wallet.

Ooh. Now, that's what I call a MILF.

Don't tell us what you think
it stands for.

- My Interesting Lady Friend!
- We already know it's wrong!

I'm just saying,

the boys you usually go out with,

they got things like...

Oh, a loyalty card for genital piercing.

And your boyfriends are so great, Lillian.

What's-his-name threw a hammer at me.

His name is Robert Durst,

and he only did that 'cause he likes you.


Hi, Cyndee.

Hiya, Kimmy. It's Cyndee Pokorny.

We put a madman in jail together?

Yes, Cyndee, I remember you.

Okay, I just electronic-mailed you

a video that you've got to watch
right away.

It's real important.

I'll call you from the library.

Okay, Cyndee, I'm on the World Wide Web.

I see your electronic mail.

Good, but watch out for porns.

Time to surf.

Welcome to Innerwaves,

the only cruise ship owned and operated

by the Church of Cosmetology.

The Great Founder took the lessons

he learned as a Studio City cosmetologist

and divined a power so explosive,

he freaked out in the makeup room
at Simon & Simon.

Cyndee, what the heck is this?

Just wait. You're so impatient.

I remember you wanted
to get out of the bunker,

like, three days after you were kidnapped.

Today thousands
of spiritual voyagers

have learned the secrets of Cosmetology,

secrets too cool to be understood
by your family,

who are actually lizard people
or lotion people.

The napkin the Founder wrote this part on
got wet.

Now Innerwaves sets sail

for the lawless safety
of international waters...

and enlightenment.

Without the founder, I'd be lost.

Jeepers H. Christmas!

Gretchen? What the heck?

Thanks to Cosmetology,
my life has purpose,

my eyebrows have definition,

and I can control things with my mind.

How could she do this?

Keep watching.

There's a cat on the boat
who's friends with a bunny.

That's why I'm calling.


Fifteen years in that bunker,

and this is what she's gonna do
with her life?

Follow some other lunatic?

Well, what can you do about it?

Innerwaves departs
from the Manhattan Cruise Terminal

in just 24 hours, right on time

for the Founder's 800th birthday.

I can stop her before she leaves.

Happy birthday, Founder.

♪ Bunny and Kitty being best friends ♪

♪ Together forever, the fun never ends ♪

♪ Solving mysteries one hug at a time ♪

♪ Bunny and Kitty, two of a kind ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Oh, Lillian, later tonight,

after Mikey and I "choose to be gay"
a couple of times,

I'm gonna need your help kicking him out.

Just run into my bedroom and say...

I don't know... Billy Joel's outside.

Come on.

You're already figuring out
how to get rid of him?

You know how I roll.

And I'm not talking about the time

I fell into a trash can on top of a hill.

Well, I don't want to do
your dirty work, Titus.

I like Mikey.

Who cares if you like Mikey?

I'm the one who'd have to Queer Eye

that bridge-and-tunnel tadpole.

I can't take on a project like that.

I'm just one man.

That show had five guys.

Speaking of Five Guys, I want a hamburger.

But, Titus...

No buts...


Thanking you.

See you in the morning.

You're the boss, sign.




What are you doing?

I'm kidnapping you!

And now I get why the reverend had a van.


Your legs are so strong.

I have access to steps now.

And your breath is much better.

Thank you.

My new toothbrush is only for teeth!

You can get off me, Kimmy.

The boat's halfway to Mercury by now.

What happened to you after the trial?

I thought you were free at last,

like a second cheese pizza
on Martin Luther King Day.

Well, after the trial,

first I got a job at the Apple Store.

You know who loves that place?


Oh, no, not the Durnsville Apple Store.

The computer one in Indianapolis.

It was wonderful.

It was white and clean,
and we all dressed the same.

Sounds like your brand of strawberry jam.

Oh, definitely.

Every day, we would meet
in a giant glass cube,

and I gave the geniuses all my money

in exchange for this magic watch.

And then they excommunicated me
for eating Sheryl's yogurt,

and that's when I found Cosmetology.

But you don't need Cosmetology

or Apple and all their cool products.

I have an app that makes me sound
like different celebrities.

I have an app that
makes me sound like different celebrities.

That's Steve "Buskumeye."

I know, down in the bunker,
we weren't friends.

But I care about you.

After what we went through,
the four of us are sisters.

The four of us, Kimmy?

- What about Lil' Lisa?
- Are you serious?

Gretchen, Lil' Lisa was just the reverend

dressed like a girl trying to find out

what we were saying behind his back.

No, her voice was way higher.

The reverend was a psycho liar
who claimed he came up

with the "buy the world a Coke"

You know he wasted half your life, right?

He was a false prophet.

I'd like to cut off his butt
and make him eat it

and then ask him how he plans to poop it.

But the Founder...

Nope, he's the same.

Gretchen, if you need to believe
in something,

believe in yourself.

Believe that no one else
can tell you what to do,

because we're strong, independent women.

We're strong,
independent women.

And I'll prove it to you.

We're gonna have
a Choose Your Own Adventure.

You pick everything we do,

exactly like the books.

And if we die, we just go back

to the entrance of the Mayan temple.

I'm gonna fix you, Gretchen Chalker.

Come on up, Jay.

This is a total sausage fest.

Please don't say that.

I never eat on dates,

and now I'm thinking about sausage
and Total cereal.


I've been reading up on the lifestyle,

all the gay types...

bears, cubs, wolves, chicken hawks.

I'm a flamingo
because I'm delicate, colorful,

and I often stand on one leg
due to a plantar's wart.

Well, I think I might be a otter,

which got me pretty interested
in otters as a species.

Did you know they use rocks as tools?

This line is unacceptable.

We need to flirt with the bouncer.

Oh, yeah, I can do that.
I'm in construction.

Hey, princess!

Are you a high chair?
'Cause I want to put a baby in you!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Bounceria, you let me in last time.

Because you were
with that pretty little twink.

And tonight, I'm with Michael.

If you let us in, he'll fix the trapeze,

and we all want the trapeze back.

Make him dance.

♪ Hearts on fire ♪

♪ Don't put this fire out ♪

♪ We want this fire to continue ♪

You're choosing your own adventure,

You're in charge.

You bought a snorkel at a dollar store,


And now we're...

Dang it! You can't swim to the boat.

That's exactly what a lizard
or lotion person would say.

We have to do something you want to do.

- ♪ Put 'em on the glass ♪
- Not something some man told you to do.

- ♪ Put 'em on the glass ♪
- Yes! I heed your bidding!

- No, don't put them on the glass!
- ♪ Put 'em on the glass ♪

Just say the first thing
that pops into your head, Gretchen.

Don't think! What do you want?

What do you want?

What do you want?

Ice cream!

I want ice cream!

All right, you got ice cream.

Six cones is a lot,
and strawberry sauce on coffee

doesn't make a ton of sense,
but the important thing is,

you made a decision.

Now what?

Okay. Wow, see?

Did the Founder tell you to get a dog

that once lived in a drug dealer's house?

No, he didn't.

That's your decision, and I support you.

Gretchen, what are you...

Ha-ha, lost 'em.

Again, your decision.

All you.

Hey, what's nose candy?

Oh, that sounds harmless.

Let's ask around.

Did I just watch you do drugs
with a junkyard Elmo?

I don't know, but I got a ton of ideas.

Let's go to Red Hook with these morpets

and get pregnant.

That's it. I'm re-kidnapping you!

As if. I'm pretty sure
I'm awesome at fighting now.

Punch, punch, kick, punch, punch, punch.

Oh, no!

Come on! Are you kidding?

It's midnight,

and we still haven't gotten in anywhere.

I thought the hard part of being gay
was gonna be figuring out scarves.

Should we make like Queen Elizabeth
and dub this a night?

Hang on, Titus. I got to eat.

Hey, can I get fries
and a chicken shawarma pita?

You want anything?

I will not be tricked into eating
on a date.

This is not my first rodeo.

Hey, hey, this is not meat from rodeo.

Hey, sorry I cramped your style tonight.

This whole scene is maybe too much for me.

There are other kinds of being gay,
though, right?

I mean, I always pictured, like,
wearing sweaters a lot

and cooking together
and having a big, shaggy dog,

and the whole place
is just covered in fur.

It's all just fur and sweaters and hair
and fur and hair.

That sounds boring.

Compared to your life, sure,
but I'm not fancy like that.

I just...

Hey, did you ever see The Lion King?

I moved to New York City
because of The Lion King.

Dude, that is my favorite movie,

play, T-shirt, and sleeping bag ever.

I mean, Timon and Pumbaa?

When I first saw those guys, I was like,

"I'm seeing something special here."

Those two little furry dudes

caring for one another,

singing songs, farting without judgment.

They didn't fit in with all the other
meerkats and warthogs,

but they fit in with each other.

And they adopted that Simba from Africa.

Forget bears and otters.

We should all be meerkats and warthogs.

And you, my friend?

Classic meerkat.

I am sleek and graceful.

And I once went to a Halloween party

dressed as Nathan Lane Bryant.

It was moderately well received.

Dude, try this.

You like spicy?

Don't sneeze. Don't...

I'm so sorry.

Morning, honkey.

Hey, is Titus up yet?

I was supposed to help him
kick Mikey out hours ago,

but I gave 'em a little extra time,

and I sprinkled rose petals on the bed.

Actually, it's barbecue potato chips.

I just had a feeling
those two would click,

you know, like all my joints.


Lillian, do people change,

or are we just who we are forever?


That is exactly

what I've been thinking about with Titus.

I am telling you, Red.

You and me, same brain.

Hey, on the count of three,

let's both say what we're thinking.

One, two, three.

- Whitefish!
- Four!

Hey, where's Mikey?

Did he die at the club?

When is de Blasio gonna put an end

to these senseless shorty fires
burning on the dance floor?


I decided not to sleep with him.

It's all very confusing,

like that show Bunny and Kitty.

One's a cop, the other's FBI.

How are they friends?

I heard your door open
at 2:00 in the morning.

You did something.


We just talked about movies and got food.

You ate in front of him?

I feezed on him, Lillian.

That's a food sneeze.

But he laughed, and it was a nice laugh,

not like that time Andy Cohen
laughed at me.

I knew this one was different.

He's not like those guys
in your stupid box.

No, he's exactly like those guys,

because I've decided
never to see him again.

And he didn't even spend the night.

At least these men had the honor
of having their hearts broken

by Flidian Garoo, a fake name I use.


I've watched the parade of men
in and out of your door

for ten years.

Well, you should thank me.
Most people pay good money for parades.

And the boys who left this crap behind

weren't heartbroken.

They didn't come back for their stuff

'cause they couldn't care less.

And you pick up these silly boys

because you don't want 'em to come back.

You think you know everything
'cause you got bit by a roach

that crawled out of a dictionary.

Well, guess what.

I wanted them all to come back.

All of them!

They just never did, and they left behind

some really important stuff.

A Dutch passport.



But if it's only one night,
at least I can tell myself

they didn't really know me.

But what if a guy does take the time
to know me

and he still leaves?

Why, Mikey?

Why would you leave me
to raise our lion cub alone?


you can't hide in there forever.

I think I could.

There's quite a bit of food under here.

It's him.

It's Mikey.

Mikey who?

That kid from the cereal commercial?

He died of Pop Rocks.

Answer the phone, Titus.

Hey, Mikey.


- Oh, hey, Lillian.
- Would you like to come over for leckfast?

It's breakfast and lunch combined.

I hate brunch.

Wha... oh!

- Don't ever call me again.
- Wait, what?

No, man, it's Mikey.

I was with four Mikeys last night.

Be more specific.


Lion King Mikey.

That's what I thought.

Lose my number. Click.

Dial tone.

I'd say good morning, sleepyhead, but...

Oh, cracker on a cracker!

When did you get a tattoo?

I didn't let you out of my sight!

Remember when we stopped
at the bus station

to use the bathroom?

I thought you were in there a long time.

But you had just eaten
a bunch of bodega oysters.

And now it's a new day for the new me.

I saw this in the paper.

I thought we could give it a go.

"Body Found in Wheel Well At JFK"?

When in Rome.

Maybe I was wrong, Gretchen,

about you being the boss of you.

Wow, rude.

Lil' Lisa was right about you.

Oh, my gosh.

How'd you even survive before the bunker,

with no one telling you what to do?

Well, I didn't have to.

Before the bunker, I had Coach Sergei.

Pepsi Cola flip.

Yes, Gretchen.

And now Little Caesar's
"pizza pizza pizza" side aerial.

Good, and rock and roll Elvis dismount!

Now never have period, huh?

But then I hit a growth spurt.

Oh, God!


Get out, woman!

Go make babies!

So you've never made your own choices?


I know I told you
to choose your own adventure,

but you can't.

I need to go back to Cosmetology.

I'll just hitchhike to Mesa, Arizona,

and find the Founder
at the comedy club he manages.

I might as well start giving away

my earthly possessions now.

I'm sorry, Gretchen.


There are those of us who lead
and those who follow.

The sheeps must follow the sheep captain,

and the sheep captain
must protect the sheeps

and keep them from using
their dumb sheep brain

and also sell their hair.

Go on.

There are many animals in the barnyard,

but only the sheeps know
that they know nothing.

Thus, they are called sheeps.


Listen, we need to talk about Titus.

I mean, I know he hurt you.


Men can't hurt me.

Only chicks can.

Cheryl Tiegs, yo.

I misspoke.

I know I hurt you.

I didn't mean what I said to you
on the phone.

Look, Lillian,

last night, I felt like me and you

had this, like, chemical attraction.

There you go.

But Titus is my first time going off-road,

if you know what I mean.

I think he might be a little complicated
for me right now.

I know, right now, he's cocoon goo,

but someone like you
could make him a butterfly.

I'm sorry, Lillian, but...

I got my own stuff to deal with.

Bye, Mikey.

Let me just get one last taste
of that hot ass.

Anyway, it turned out
Kimmy was wrong.

I can't make my own decisions,

so I'm going to Arizona
to meet the Founder.

And to you gentlemen,

I give my final earthly possession.

Gretchen, wait!

Don't give them your shirt.

Oh, man.

You're not going back to Cosmetology.

But I can't live in the real world.

I know, but I found a different cult,

one that's perfect for you.

Just listen to their leader talk...

Shut up and let me hear the leader.

The sheeps must follow.

Is that the sheep captain?

Only the sheeps know they know nothing.

Dumb sheeps.

- Dumb.
- I'm so dumb, O Captain.

Two plus two is nine. The Earth is round.

He's a genius.

"He," Gretchen? That was you.

I recorded you earlier.

Then I apped and made your voice Frasier.

Then I used this little bad boy

and his record button to edit it.

Look, I get that you need a cult,

but why can't it be your cult?

You want me to start my own church?
No, I can't do that.

Are you kidding?

When you believe in something,
no matter how dumb,

I've seen you do the impossible.

As we all know, Lil' Lisa died last night

from, I'm told, an exploded booby.

But through her faith,
she was taken up to girl heaven,

which is pink and stupid.

Our faith will save us, sisters.

If we believe, there is nothing
we cannot do.

Holy sugar!

Get your hand off, you idiot!


She's crazy!


Praise Jeepers!

I tried to make you the person
I wanted you to be,

but that's not you.

And that's okay.

The real you is full of crazy nonsense.

Mount Rushmore just grew like that.

Yes, exactly.

We're different people.

You can't move on from the bunker
like I ha...


So you're gonna move on in your own way

by starting a cult.

You're gonna go to hell so bad.

I know, Gretchen.

I know.

Titus, take that off.


'Cause I know this blanket
would never hurt me.


I hate you, blanket.

Anybody home?

Is that Mikey?


What is he doing here?

He can't see me looking unfabulous.

Why do you care?

You said he's boring.

I don't care, obviously.

I care.

Shut up.

Just help me make my life look legendary.

Since when do you question me?



You are bad.

Oh, hello, Michael.

I'm actually in the middle of something.

Get in here, Titus!

My butt's getting cold!


Well, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I think I left my Multi-Tool here

when I fixed your oven-dryer.

I just want to get it back.

I've got a mustache!

I'll just grab it
and get out of your hair.

You came back.

No one comes back.

Yeah, well, maybe you've been dating
bad guys, Titus.

I'm actually a good guy.

- So you'd never hurt me?
- What?

I can't say that.

You know I'm all about hakuna matata,

but all I can promise
is that it'd be different from...

whatever that is.

We met on a bus!

I don't know why Kimmy is doing that.

Let's make a baby!

But you're saying if I gave you
a second chance...

If you gave me a second chance?

Man, you are ridiculous.

Thank you.

Titus, I'm the one
who'd have to Property Brothers

this gut job.

You need foundation work, rewiring.

I bet you have termites.

And I can't take on a project like that

unless you're willing to...


I mean, I kissed boys before,

you know, at football camp,
Boy Scouts, at Equinox,

but that stuff wasn't really gay.

Wait a minute. That was all gay.


It's two boys.

I'm just glad you left
your little foldy knife here.

Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I swear
I used it this morning.

Who cares how it got here?

It's here!

You kissed!

Now go buy a pair of French bulldogs

Sheeps, board the airplane.

Up next
on Bunny and Kitty...

What are you doing here?

This is my crime scene.

He crossed state lines
with the body.

This is federal now.

You try to go in that house,
and I'm gonna arrest you for interfering

with an ongoing investigation.

If I have to go over your head,
I'll call Washington.

My tummy likes carrots.

Bunny and Kitty
is rated TV-MA.

♪ Bunny and Kitty
being best friends ♪

♪ Together forever, the fun never ends ♪

♪ Solving mysteries one hug at a time ♪

♪ Bunny and Kitty, two of a kind ♪

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!