UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Return - full transcript

After suffering a mental breakdown, a young staffer reluctantly returns to work on a dating competition called "Everlasting", where her sole job is to manipulate the contestants in order to get outrageous footage for the show.

Quinn: Okay, here we go.

Opening night, "everlasting," all right?

Let's give 'em something that they want!

Ponies! Princesses!

Romance! Love.

I don't know, it's all a bunch of crap, anyways.

Let's go, people.

The girls are about to arrive. Are you feeling nervous?

[ british accent ] i wouldn't say so, no.

Excited, then? Absolutely.

Good. I'm ready.

Well, that's good...Because here they come.

[ violin plays ]

Shamiqua: Hello, there. Hi.

I'm shamiqua.

Shamiqua? [ chuckling ] yeah.

Okay. There we go. I think i got it. Cut! Cut! Cut!

[ bell rings ] man: That's a cut! That's a cut!

Everybody, back to one, please! Let's hustle!

Damn it!

Shamiqua? That's your girl?

That's the one who you said had wife potential?

She's black.

She's gorgeous. She went to spelman.

Okay, you know what?

First girl out of the carriage is always a wifey,

And that is not a wifey.

There's a black man in the white house.

Oh, thank you so much. I know, okay?

And he's barely black, all right?

It is not my fault that america's racist, people.

Okay, dan, let's go. Get a new girl out here.

Hustle, hustle.

Dan: Okay, got it. Ugh!

Where's limo three? Jay: Haven't seen it.

Where's limo three? I don't know.

Nobody? "i don't know"? Limo three.

Um, you'd better be breaking the damn sound barrier,

Because we need you here right now.

Uh, limo three? I can't even... Thank you.

What part of "we are rolling" did you not understand?

Rachel: We're almost there. Your costing our production every second you're not here.

You know, our flight was delayed.

I can do a lot, quinn, but i can't control the weather.

Just get your ass in here now.

Hey, um, tiny girl, i really have to pee, here --

Like, bad.

Yeah, i can't really control the weather, either,

If you know what i mean.

You know, i could actually go, as well.

Okay, uh, well, ladies, we are just, um,

A few minutes away,

So do you want to know who the suitor is?

Oh, my gosh!

Uh, yes?

His name is adam cromwell.

He is the british heir to the cromwell hotel fortune.

[ all squealing ] oh, my gosh!

What?! Adam cromwell?!

Oh, my god!

[ gasps ]

That is absolutely -- adam cromwell?

That's great.

Oh, my god. He's so yummy.

You guys...

Oh, my...

He's got real...

Quinn: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Listen to me.

Wake him up. He looks like he'd rather be chewing cud than meeting hot girls.

Hold the roll. Hold the roll. Hold the roll. So, i just, uh...

Um, producers want you to act a little bit more charming

On the next take, so we're gonna roll again.

More charming? Yeah.

Right. Okay. Okay?

Oh, whatever.

Just be a good meat puppet and do as i say.

Uh, limo three just arrived.

Oh, good. Okay, get in here right now, three.

All right, ladies, phones, now.

You don't want to see me with no phone for eight weeks.

Yeah, eight weeks if you're lucky.

One night if you're not.

Okay, so eight weeks. Wow.

[ sighs ]

H-hey, rach, can we use the bathroom? Ladies.

Do not move from this limo until i tell you.


Uh, rachel, what about the bathroom?

Don't let them leave from this limo, okay?

Copy that.

You guys, get her when she's coming in, okay?

Cover her coming out.

Oh, crap.

Is that...?

Yep, your boyfriend's ex.

What? What, you guys really need to be on steadicam

This whole time, shooting me?

[ laughs ] this is ridiculous.

Welcome back to reality, rachel.

Rachel's the mystery freelancer?

Jay: [ laughs ] surprise.


Yeah. Be afraid, okay?

Crazy's back.

Don't everybody rush to hug me at one time.



Here we go.


It's about to get interesting.

Oh, yeah! Jay: Yay, welcome back, rachel.

[ clapping ]

Nice with the cameras. That was nice.

Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure.

My, my, my, look what the cat dragged home.

I thought -- i mean, weren't you --

On probation?

Yeah, and i'm doing community service.

I'm still waiting

On the, uh, trial for the civil charges, though.

And, um, and you did the pickups on the last of my girls?

Nobody told me they were your --

Y-yeah, they're not shia's. They're yours, okay?

[ pounds table ] here you go.

And, shia, you have other girls.

Yeah, but she gets the best ones?

At least two stayers.

Who you couldn't close.

I had rachel fly out and convince the lawyer

And the milf to sign their contracts.

So tonight, i want you floating,

And maybe you can turn one of your dogs

Into a dark horse, okay?

All right, i need the girls from limo three now, please.

Quinn, can you come down here, please?

We have kind of a situation.

[ sighs ] crap.

All right, i'm on my way, and i'm pissed.

[ hoarsely ] uh, we got a situation.

[ laughter ]

I really have to pee. Do you guys have to go?

I've had to since the airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I know, they haven't let us out at all.

Are you okay? How you doing?

I'm good. Good.

Yeah, i mean, you know,

It's a little bit surreal being back, but --

Too close! Yeah, but what?

You're ready to get out there.

I think so. I -- okay.

You know, quinn, i just --

My therapist says that i can't really travel

Any more than i already have.

I mean, i have to keep a schedule,

Make my appointments. Yeah, okay, fine.

You know, i'm seri-- okay, travel. No travel.

Whatever. Uh, where's ricardo?!

Hello?! Nobody?!

All right, listen!

I need 10 times more pillar candles, people!

10 times!


They're all looking at me like, "huh?"

You know, quinn, i also really want to thank you.

Move! Don't thank me, all right?

Just repay me.

You owe me big-time after the mess you made.

Okay, everybody, hold the work.

We're gonna try this crane now, please.

I can not believe that i have to ask this again,

But where is limo three?

We are holding on that.

The thing is adam -- we can't find him.


Yeah. Ugh.

Chet's here. Oh, great.

Just -- everybody act like everything's fine.

Yep. Chet wilton, creator of "everlasting," big kahuna.

Don't worry, lizzie. Come here. Give me a kiss.

Mmm. [ chuckles ]

I hear we have a situation.

I didn't know you were here.

Oh, i'm hanging out with my homeys in the grip truck.

Where's my royalty?

Um, maybe you'd like to answer that?

Just watch. It's fine.

Yeah? Okay.

Hi. Hey.

Uh, we stopped rolling. Right.

I took my eyes off him for a minute,

And, uh, we lost him.

Who are you?

Dan -- uh, first a.D.

We've worked together for four years.

All right. Who are you?

Uh, s-sam, second a.D. This is sam.

Sam. Sam, you're now the first a.D.

You're now fired.

[ sighs ] okay? I need you to get your crap and get out.


Chet, i -- no, no, no. It's not a conversation.

I need you to get off of my set,

Or you're not gonna be able to get a job in this town

As anything but a crack whore --

Assistant crack whore.

An assistant crack whore. Uh, chet, chet.

Chet, uh, could you come here, please?

Yeah. Um, you can't just walk in here

And replace my experienced a.D.

With some kid. Hey, relax, quinn.

You got this.

No, no, no, no, no. [ chuckles ]

Unlike some people,

I don't own a billion-dollar franchise.

I have to work for a living, all right?

I'm going to get fired.

You're not gonna get fired.

I'm not gonna let that happen to you. I am serious.

No adam, no show.

Even you can't bail me out of this.

Rachel! Yes?

Go find him. Who? Adam?

I, um, i've never e--

I don't even kno-- i've never met him.

You're gonna let this one handle it? Yes.

She's the best, don't you think?

Hey. Hey.

Welcome back, little weirdo.

[ sighs ]

You're very lucky that your little stunt

Got me booyah ratings last season.

Yeah, that was, uh, that was lucky, yeah.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

You know what?

You're not hot enough to be crazy,

So i need you to keep your brains together, okay?

You, in your office, now.


Uh, listen, stay on walkie,

And let me know when you find him.


Also, he wouldn't sign his contract.

What? Quinn!

Quinn, you shot footage on him without a signed contract?

He said he wanted to show it to his lawyers in london,

Or some nonsense, all right?

What was i supposed to do?

We have seven and a half hours before sunrise,

Can only shoot in hard night, and i need a frickin' show!

That's great! So d-- so i -- so i --

What, i have no leverage?

Oh, just make something up.

Do your job.

You do not want to piss me off on your first day back, okay?

Just go get our show pony, now!

Damn it.

[ footsteps approach ]

Rachel: [ panting ]

Adam. Hi.

Hi. I'm rachel.

Listen, i, um --

No, look.

I've got a friend coming to pick me up,

And i'm not changing my mind. Okay.


Oh, my ass is just on the line with my boss.

With quinn? No kidding.

That lady's a piece of work.

[ laughing ] yeah. You have no idea.


Well, do you think i could just spend 10 minutes up here

While i figure out what to do when i get fired?

10 minutes -- in silence, though.

Open the other one. It's hot as balls in here.

Hey, uh, can i have a word?

Ugh, go, go, go. Quick. Come on. Y-- i-- look.

Spit it out. Let's go. I think it's great that you got rachel back, really.

Ugh. I guess i'm just confused. I mean, did i do something wrong?

You gave all my best girls to rachel. Rachel gets the best sound bites,

And she has killer instincts for drama.

Did you hear from her? No.

Okay, it's just that after she bombed out,

I cleaned up her mess.

I know, but the thing is, shia,

People trust her, and they like her.

That stuff can't really be taught.

Chet: Chet to quinn. I'm waiting.


Okay. [ clears throat ]

I'm coming!

Who gave chet a walkie?!

[ crickets chirping ]

Just out of curiosity -- quiet.

I'm sorry, what was so offensive

To your refined sensibilities that you needed to flee?

Did you see that circus?

How about the way they introduced those horrible girls?

Not to mention the fact that quinn wants to shoot me

With my shirt off,

Riding a horse down the beach, shouting,

[ american accent ] "i'm gonna meet my wife tonight!"


You've seen the show, right? [ british accent ] barely.

Quinn promised me that this season

Was gonna be different, though.

[ laughing ] oh. Okay.

I mean, you don't seem naive,

But i guess, with that whole napa thing...


Napa, i was... [ sighs ]

I was trying to open a new hotel, and --

My own, without my father.

Royal hottie drops trou with three --

Or, i'm sorry, was it four hookers?

And then tweets a selfie?

Screw you. I don't know you.

I know you -- or at least i know your agenda.

You don't need a matchmaker.

You need damage control.

Nobody's gonna bet money on your hotel

Until you rehab your image.

A couple of weeks on the cover of us weekly --

That's gonna do the trick.

Who's on channel three?


Chet: [ panting ] okay. Okay. Calm down.

I hate it when rachel goes off walkie.

I know.

You know, i'm trying to get you to relax a little bit.

Okay. You got this. You got this.

You'll get it. You'll figure it out.

[ clears throat ] you're my little queen.

[ moaning ] oh, god.

So cut the crap.

What's it gonna take for you to sign the contract,


[ sighs ]

Well, um...

I'd have to think about it.

[ scoffs ] okay.

It's just not gonna work.

Uh, we have a backup guy.

There's a backup guy?

Yeah, some, uh, doctors without borders guy

Who found a cure for malaria or something.

Oh, wow.

Malaria -- that's -- that's one of my causes.

I would -- i would love to meet him.

Awesome. Cool.

Yeah, he'll, uh, be in makeup in about 10 minutes.


[ knocking on window ] woman: [ muffled ] we all have to pee!

Yeah. Excuse me.

Please, let us out.

Hi. Dorothy, this is really important.

We have to pee.

I know. I'm so sorry. I --

Okay, well, you know what? Oh!

We'll be really fast, i promise.

Oh, my god.

[ all panting ]


Okay. Oh, god.

God, i'm gonna piss my myself

I needed this! [ panting ]

[ moans ]

Oh, my god!


Are rodeo girls, like, not allowed to wax,

Or something? Come on, be nice.

That's not a bush, that's a freakin' shrub!

Okay, come on.

I think i have a razor in the car.

Do you want it?

Come on, be nice.

Please, just get back in the car, please. I am being nice.

I'm trying to help her out.

[ laughs ]

Man: Here you go. Man #2: Mike check!



Hey. Hi.

What the hell are you thinking, coming back here?

Sorry. Yeah, i'm -- jeremy, i'm sorry that i, um --

Oh, that you disappeared without saying a word? Yeah. Um --

Quinn: Uh, rachel. Where the hell are you? You know, i got to --

I have to go, because -- yeah, i know.

Uh, same walkie channel. She's making -- okay.

But, rachel, seriously, what the hell? I called, like, a lot.

Yeah, i just -- i didn't --

I didn't have my phone. I-i didn't.

You shower with your phone in a ziploc bag.

Okay, jeremy.

We weren't supposed to get stuck in mexico, okay?

And i was, um, profoundly exhausted,

And i was sunburned, and i --

Bathing in white wine by the end of it. Hold it. Wait. Did you --

Did you just use being sunburned as --

As an excuse for not...

[ chuckling ] that's unbelievable.


Okay, obviously, we have to work together,

So just...Stay away from me when we're not...

Yeah. Okay.

I mean, you know, i'm not traveling, so...


Yep. Okay.

Oh, i saw that you and lizzie got back together, right?

And, what, did you, like, get her a job

On the show, or...?


I mean, she's been trying to leave the salon forever, so...

That's so cute, having your girlfriend at work!

The trailer -- it's fiancée.

Wait, what?

She's my fiancée.

I called, rach. Yeah.

Rachel! Pool! Now!

Flying in.

There is no backup malaria doctor, is there? Try me.

Quinn: Rachel, what the hell is happening?

Every minute we're not shooting -- can you calm down.

Please, okay?

I told him about the backup guy.

What backup guy? We don't have a back--

[ laughs ]


Do you think he bought it?

I think we walk away right now, we find out.


Uh, bring in the backup guy!


Let's go, people! Oh, look at the candles.

I'll do it.

[ sighs ]

But one of the dates has to be at my hotel site in napa.

I want guaranteed shots of the signs

And a verbal mention of the hotel name.

Aha. New demands.

Of course. Done, all right?

Now just get back to work, you limey prick.

She's charming.

No, they're not ready!

Okay. Here we go...

[ bell rings ] ...Again.

This one's gonna be good.

Sam: Okay, cameras rolling!

Sound speed! Camera speed!

Okay, and...Action.

All right. Here we go.

Please, just be better.

This is good. This is good.

Oh, look. Shia: Oh, yes.

[ whistles ] that's what i'm talking about.

Okay. Yes, sashay, shantay.

That's right. [ laughter ]

Hi. [ seductively ] i'm britney.

That is an entrance. Jay: Oh!

[ laughing ] oh!

Oh, wow! Damn! Damn!

Did you tell her to do that?

I just told her that he was very sexual

And she should go for it.

Nice. People are going to hate her.


But i like her.

Oh, mary.

Sad, dried-up single-mother mary.

Okay, come on. What have we got?

This is mr. Bobo.

Mr. Bobo. Yes.

Oh, i hope she takes that stupid bear,

And she's like, [ sassily ] "oh, my baby daddy

Done did me wrong with little booboo."

She's not even black. [ sighs ] that's racist.

Rachel: You know something? That's gonna be super tough.

Because she's very smart and guarded,

And her last relationship, it was, uh,

It was rough, right, doc?

Yeah, she does show some signs of, uh, ptsd, it's true.

And she also -- and that is why we cast her --

For the crazy, all right?

Besides, she knew what she was in for.

They all do.

The crazier the better.

Okay, adam. Look at him.

He's about as charming as a corpse. Jay: [ chuckles ]

Mm-hmm. Oh!

Hello. Hello, handsome.

[ laughs ] that's my kind of woman.

[ both laugh ]

Hi. I'm faith.


We just gave him a linebacker in a jumpsuit,

And he just says, "okay."

Uh, that's our, uh, horse-faced tearjerker.

And a virgin, right?

Yeah, but she is so shy about that stuff,

And we have so many other angles on her, you know?

Jesus freak, boob job --

Those are -- those are my boobs.

Well, i convinced her to get them.

I even got grandma's church

To take up a collection to pay for them.

Grandma! Nice.

But whatever, all right?

A train wreck like that's not staying past tonight.

I need a sound bite before she goes.

[ southern accent ] adam, i want you to be my first, okay?

Please, baby jesus. [ chuckles ]

And then he dumps her, and it's perfect.

Okay, come on. Brazilian swimsuit model.

Yes, this has got to wake him up.

[ laughs ] hey.

Jay: Wow, gorgeous. Like these moves?

I do, yeah. [ laughs ]

Finally! Thank you! A smile.

Nice to meet you. Grace.

That's all i wanted, was a smile, adam.

Hello, ladies, and welcome to "everlasting"!

[ cheers and applause ]

Now, i can see that you all have received

The, uh, diamond bracelets,

Which was our way of inviting you

On a wonderful fairytale journey with our lovely lad, adam.

[ women cheering ] but, unfortunately,

At the end of the night, uh, ladies... Okay. Great. All right.

...He's going to have to reclaim those bracelets --

But only for those girls that he has decided to send home.

Now, without further ado, your suitor...Adam cromwell!

[ cheers and applause ]

Quinn: Okay, come on, let's go, please.

Protect the wifeys, anna and grace,

And starve our villain, britney,

Until she is mean like a pit bull.

I want to pickle the rest of them, okay?

You get cash bonuses for nudity, 911 calls, catfights, all right?

Have a good show, everybody.

So, i've never actually met, uh, a british person.

Thank you. Oh, there you go --

Some champagne. [ chuckles ] cheers.

To love, to future, to "everlasting." cheers.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

Such a nice shirt.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Uh, your dress looks lovely.

Thank you.

Adam: You having a good time?

A blast. Cheers.

I have nothing, people, okay?

Listen to me.

Get me some one-on-one interviews.

Get me some good tv!

I see faith. I'll prep her.

Hi, faith.

Hi. Shia, from the phone.

What is shia doing?

No, shia. Faith: Oh!

Oh, gosh!


How are you? Ah!

You're a waiter.

Oh, no, no. It's like a disguise.

A-- they picked me to manage you guys tonight,

But since i'm on camera, i got to blend in.

Okay. That's so clever.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Ugh.

It is so nice to meet you. Oh, okay.

Oh, my gosh. [ laughs ] what is she doing?

Anyway, i wanted to say that,

For the one-on-one tonight, you -- you really need to

Make a good impression, and...

Right, right. ...You don't have much time,

So you got to get right to the point. Okay. Which point?

About yourself, about everything.

No, shia, i got it. Stand down.

Oh, uh, i was just gonna sort of chat,

Like, uh, howdy-doody kind of...

Okay, well, what we need you to do

Is talk about being a virgin.



I mean, we think it's really great,

A-and w-we know he's going to love it. Oh, oh, there, there, there.

Tell them to go in. Madison, move!

Push in, push in, push in, push in, push in.

It's super hot, and guys are into that.

Who told you that?

Uh, it was just... Rachel.

Okay, we got the tears, we got the tears.

Yes! Oh, god.

Stupid bitch.


[ crying ] faith, sweetie? Faith?

Get camera "a" over there.

"a" cam, get in on britney.

Find britney. There you go.

Aw. Why is she crying?

Maybe he spotted her super-shrub

Through that ugly-ass jumpsuit.

[ laughter ]

Yes, that is a good bitch!


And thank you.

Thank you, britney.

Was this your plan,

To have me come here and tell people...

No, faith.

Adam. Please.

Uh, oh. Uh, faith. Hi.

Faith: Uh, hi. You okay?

Yeah, uh, i just have something...In my eye.

These lashes are...

Can i steal you for a second?


Okay, just through here.

Okay. We'll just take a seat here.

[ sighs ]

Faith: All right. Uh, i'm so sorry.

This is not how i...

How i planned to do this.

You're a virgin. Give me that. Give me that. Just that, uh...

...These other girls, um...

I think i'm a little out of my league.

Are you kidding me?

I've been talking about gluten and crossfit

For the last two hours.

You're the most attractive person here.




Look at adam, being so nice.

What, you think britney would last in the rodeo?

No, the clowns would kill her.

[ both laugh ]

Okay, you know what, this just turned into

Two guys in a locker room.

Get me someone else now.

They wouldn't really kill her.

They'd probably strangle her and leave her in a ditch.

Okay, come on, come on, come on.

Mary. Hi.

How's it going? It's good.

Yeah? You look great.

You look great. Thank you.

Uh, here. Oh, no, thank you.

You sure? Yeah.

All right, well, don't mind if i do.

Mmm. [ chuckles ]

[ clears throat ] how's it going with adam?

Uh, adam. Yeah.

Well, i've seen him across the patio twice,

And he looks young enough to be my step-son,

So, needless to say, i'm madly in love.

[ both laugh ] nobody will tell me --

Huh? How old is he?

He's 29.

Yeah. Oh.


So, um, this...

So this is a setup,

And i'm [clears throat] i'm the old...

Old, desperate one?

Are you kidding me? No way.

He -- he -- he thinks you're a total milf.

A milf? Yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

[ scoffs ] no, you know what?

Listen. He's completely open to you.

All right, you've got to walkie rachel. Give her the stats, right now.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, got it. Rachel?

No, doctor, you -- on the side, you got to --

No, push the button. Push it!

I -- okay, got it. Uh, uh, rachel?

Uh, quinn says to tell you that,

Um, her husband was physically abusive --

Hit the kid, too, broke her arm,

And that you should, you know,

Use it.

Rachel. Um...

Quinn: Come on, rachel.

Take her down, okay?

You airballed my virgin. You owe me this.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, let's go.

Are you okay? Y-yeah.

Uh...Um...And adam,

You know, he would --

He would never, ever hurt you.

He's a really, really good guy.

I know him.

I promise.


Why should i believe you?

Because i looked into lily belle's eyes,

And i swore i'd protect you.

I mean, [chuckles]

And i would have to be a sociopath

To lie to a 4-year-old, so...

True. Yeah.

Give me the damn bear.

[ both laugh ]

Uh, can we, uh, can we fly in mary's bear, please?

Thank you.

Nicely done, rachel.

Nicely done.

Oh. [ laughs ] like magic.

You've got it. You look beautiful.

[ sniffles ]

Quinn: Cameras up, people.

There we go. There we go.

Are you behind me?

Thank you. Adam: Hi.

Hi. [ laughs ]

So, um...


First night back,

And you throw a single mom to the wolves.


You know what?

Seriously, screw you, okay?

There's -- there's reasons

That i had to get through tonight,

Reasons i had to come back.

There always are with you.

Mary: I just --

I just wanted you to know that... Rachel: Heads up.

...My daughter, she is...

The most important, most precious thing

In my life, you know? Yeah.

And, um, well, this is her most precious possession.


She wanted you to have it.


She wanted you to know how excited she was,

Or is, to have a new daddy.

[ laughs ]

Jay: [ laughing ] oh! Baby daddy.

I told you! You called it.

I told you! You called it.

Thank you. [ laughs ]

That's -- that's really sweet. That is.

Yeah. Look at that.

Finally. That is what i'm talking about.

Okay. Here we go!


Hey, you remember when you used to be

A women's studies major?

I am, okay?

Fair enough. But this gets to you.

It makes you sick, rach.

The mary scene has gone as dry as her old,

Shriveled pussy, all right?

Get me some chemistry.

God, she even offends me.


It's like you guys have never heard that word before.

You did great. Thanks. [ chuckles ]

I'll take that.

Heads up. Hi.

Hi. How's it going? Hey.

All right, grace, come on.

Here we go. This'll be good.

How's your night going?

Whew! It's, um...

It's fun.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Someone told me that you like to ride.

We have to do that while we're here.


Yeah, right? Yeah, horses.

[ laughing ] okay, good. I ride horses.

[ laughing ] yeah. Yeah.

Ah. Yeah.

There's nothing like the feeling

Of a powerful animal between your legs.


[ laughs ] [ laughing ] wow, yeah.

I -- i really said that.

Oh, that's amazing. Um...

That was not a line, i swear.

I-i don't care, as long as it's true.

It's true.



Come here.



Wow. All right.

That's all right. We asked for it. Here we go.

She's that kind of girl, huh? That's what she's bringing.

She's bringing it. [ laughs ]

Uh-oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Grace: [ moans ] he has his hand on her boob.

No. I know, i know. I got it, okay?

It's too much, rachel, all right? It's episode 1.

She's supposed to be marriage material,

Not his mexican hooker.

Rachel, it's my turn. Can you -- just one second.

Want to take it to my bedroom?

Yeah. Let's go.

Let's go.

Rachel: All right, come on. Uh --

Come on. Let's go, big boy. W-wha-- i'm -- i'm just --

Uh, i will be with you in a sec. I just, uh --

Come on. What are you --

Okay, i'll -- i'll just be right here.

Darling, if you wanted to cop a feel, just ask.

You know something? I'm just trying to take your mike off, okay?

Otherwise, they can hear everything, fyi.

Um, you can't do that.

Do what?

The first time that we're getting anything

Resembling chemistry off of you, it's only for grace.

I mean, y-y-you --

You cannot bang her on the first night, okay?

She's the hottest one here,

And you're saying that i can't be into her?

Right. That's ridiculous.

Have you never had to play by anybody else's rules?

Oh, okay. I get it. So you're just a spoiled brat.

Now it's making so much more sense.

[ laughs ] i get it.

What? I just --

Women don't usually talk to me like that.

Oh, because you're so devastatingly attractive.

And the accent, yeah. Oh.

I kind of like it, though,

The way you're busting my balls like this. Don't do that, okay?

Huh? Sure? Mnh-mnh -- can we -- whoa, no.

Let's just stay on topic, shall we?

[ sighing ] fine.

Uh, to your question, no, i never follow the rules,

And i don't plan on following these ones, either.

It's a farce.

It's like the -- the -- the rodeo girl, faith.


She's only here to be the butt of some joke.

Do you want to do something

That'll fully flip quinn out, something big?


Final touches, please.

32 minutes till sunrise.

Everyone, back to your marks.

[ bell rings ] thanks for showing up.

Sound speed. Camera speed. [ sighs ]

Sorry. I've been running around out there with those...

On your call, madam. Okay. And...Action.

Host: Ladies, as you know, when adam calls your name,

You can come up and proceed to our safe zone

And have a glass of champagne.

But if your name is not called, ladies,

Sadly, your fairytale ends tonight.

You'll return the bracelets and, of course, say your goodbyes.

Adam, are you ready? Yes.

Stage is yours.

Adam: This decision has been very difficult.

You are all exceptional.


[ laughing ] yes, white boy! You get that brown sugar.

Whatever. Three episodes tops.

Hey, mo-- new girl, move, move. Thank you.

Shamiqua, will you stay, please?

I would be honored. Thank you.

Okay, here we go. I need camera eight.

Push in on the milfy.

Keep it there, please.


Mary, will you stay, please?

Yes, i will. [ chuckles ]


Violet, will you say, please?


Rose, will you stay, please?

Rita. Rita, will you stay, please?

Maya. Maya, will you stay, please?

Crystal. Crystal, will you stay, please?

Joy. Pepper. Grace. Anna.

Anna, will you stay, please? Yes.

Okay, here we go, everyone. Last one.

I need loser cam on manly rodeo queen,

And i need camera nine to repo to evil bitch britney.

She's gonna win this, people.



What? What?



No, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no, no.

No. This is not happening.

My god! Oh, my god!

[ laughing ] oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!

Faith, will you stay, please?

[ sighs ] yeah.

Thank you.

Aww. Aww. Aww. Aww.


[ all cheering ]

Oh, screw this!

Repo cam. We got a runner, people.

Camera "a," follow britney.

Woman: Copy that.

[ sobbing ] cut! Cut!

[ bell rings ] hold the roll!

I'm pissed, too, britney.

You, follow me, now.

Hey, pretty boy, come here, please.

[ sighs ]

Hi. Yeah.

Um, listen, you cut my villain,

And i can't make a television show

Without a villain.

Did you know about this?

Adam: Oh, no, that wasn't her.

I just did what i felt in my heart.

Your heart? Please.

Okay, don't worry about it, all right?

I got it. It's gonna be good tv.

Britney: Hello?! Get out of here!

I'm off the freakin' show!

Man: All right, just -- just -- just keep it on her, okay?

I'm off the freakin' show!

Keep it on her. Stand down! Stand down!

Britney. Britney, you listen to me, okay?

If you walk away right now, they're gonna get the last word.

Is that what you want?

Come on.

There you go.

Do you feel good?

I feel great.

Eh. Okay.

I got it. Thank you. You look really pretty.

Well, isn't that ironic?

You ready to shoot?

Yeah. I can't wait.

Are we rolling?


Why don't you just tell me what happened here tonight?

He's such a great guy,

And i've had a lovely time on the show.

And i'm gonna repeat that on loop

Until you let me go home, rachel.

Dr. Wagerstein: Um, uh, rachel? Rachel?

One second, all right? Just give me one sec.

Take your time.

Go for rachel.

Dr. Wagerstein: Rachel, uh, i don't know if this is gonna be helpful

But subject 21 was adopted

And was in foster care for years.

Uh, she was emancipated at 16, and...

Oh, she was in, uh, uh, she was in a psych ward twice.

And yet you let her on the show?

Oh. Um, i -- okay, rachel, i -- no, just cut out.

Just let go. Let go of the button.

I -- let go!

Never mind.

We good?

Okay, you know what?

I don't -- i don't... [ sighs ]

...I don't want to be doing this crap any more than you do.

I don't. Jeremy, can you just stop?

Stop filming, please.

Just turn -- put the camera down, okay?

Stop rolling. We're finished.

Just -- i -- i, uh -- god, that feels so good.

Wow, okay.

I just -- can someone get me a drink?

Can somebody get me a drink, please?!

I, uh...

Man: I'm on it.

Oh, my god.

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah, okay. Come on.

Oh, my god. Sunrise sucks.

Can somebody please get us a drink today?


Thank you. What is rachel doing?

Thank you.

Woman: You're welcome.

Everybody judges you. It's, like, so unfair.

Me? Mm-hmm.



I... [ sighs ]

I judge everyone.

No, you're a total softie, i can tell.

[ laughs ] right? You probably --

You probably like, like, dogs, and puppies,

And rainbows, and unicorns.

Am i right?

You're the only person on the planet that thinks that.

I'm sure your parents see your tender little heart.


Nothing. Never mind.


[ sighs ] from one slut to another.


Did you just call me a slut?

Okay. I can use that. I can use that.

No. I just called myself a slut.

[ chuckles ]


[ sighs ] hey, listen.

Um, did he...Did he say something to you?

Adam? Mm...

Like, not... Not super specifically...

I mean, but, you know, you did come on kind of strong.

You told me to.

I did not tell you... Yes, you --

...To, like, french him and grab his ass.


You're something else, rachel.

I don't know.

Do you think that you're, like, forward

Because of, um...

Things that happened in your upbringing?

What are you talking about?

I was just saying that, like,

You know, when bad things go down,

Sometimes your kid brain computes it as, like, um...

I don't know.

"i must be unlovable."

[ crying ]

[ sniffling ]

Man: Heads up.

I am...



[ sobbing ]

[ spits ]

Burn in hell, you witch!

[ sobbing ]

All of you, just burn in hell!

Damn, that was good.

Man: We can use that in a promo.

Rachel's back.

What did i tell you?

You always make it work.

[ sighs ]

Oh, hey. So, how was your first night?

[ chuckles ] crazy. I'm so tired.

I don't think i peed or sat down once all night.

Yeah, that's how it goes.

You know, adrenaline makes some people loco.


Um, i kind of heard some talk today about rachel.

Jeremy never told you what happened?


Well, you're his fiancée.

You should see it, 'cause it's epic.

[ chuckles ]

Claire, the last eight weeks have been the best of my life.

The things that we've shared,

The experiences that we've had, have brought us so close.

Other things that we did, the...

Rachel, no! [ sighs ]


What is she doing? I don't know.

This job...

This job is satan's asshole!

Rachel, don't do this! What are you doing?

Are you crazy? I --

Oh, hell. Are you at of your mind?

You. My god, you -- claire.

Claire, you're somebody's child.

Quinn: No, rachel, rachel, don't do this!

Hm? What are you doing?

Don't do this. Let her go.

He's about to dump you.

[ groans ] no.

Is that true?! No, no!

You're dumping me?!

[ all shouting ]

Oh, my god.

They didn't air this.

No, no, they cut crazy pants

And made it look like the dumped girl goes mental --

Huge finale ratings.

I swear, rachel slips in shit and lands in money.

Give me the keys! Don't! Hey, hey, hey!

[ engine turns over ]

Hey! Hey, stop! Stop! I'm not gonna move.

[ engine revs ] no, no.

You're taking me with you.

Wait, wait. Rach! Rachel! Wait!

We can use that.

Hey, jeremy.

Crazy in the head, crazy in bed, right?


None of you have ever had a bad day?

[ sighs ]

Get out.

All right, come on, you guys, let's go sign out.

Hey, uh, yeah, you just -- you didn't have to do that.

Yes, i did. I need your head in the game.

Okay, um, can you just sign this paperwork

Saying that i showed up to work on time and sober?

'cause, um, i have to catch a bus

To community service, and then therapy.

Oh, my god, it hurts, actually, to be this fabulous.

Actually, you don't. I handled it.

You handled what, quinn?

What? The d.U.I., or grand theft auto?

Because neither of those things can actually be handled.

And yet it's handled.

All right, um, look, the therapy was actually kind of helping.

Uh, one, you're fine, and, two,

I had the courts transfer your "psychiatric care"

To wagerstein.

To wagerstein?

That woman's crazy.

That woman is here, okay?

So you can go whenever you want.

I need my dragon well-rested.

You know, if you really wanted me well-rested,

You could, um... You could just get the show

To drop the charges.

I mean, you guys got the car back,

And -- and i'm -- and i'm paying off

All of the damages, and...

[ sighs ]

...You know, the threat of jail time,

That's not exactly helping me sleep at night.

I know.

But before i can do that,

I need to see that you have learned from this,

And that you can change.

Believe it or not...

I care about you.

[ scoffs ]

That's funny, 'cause right now,

It feels a little like blackmail.

Man: How far do you want that track?

All right.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. Oh.

Thank you.

Don't say anything.

I wasn't gonna say anything.

Yeah, but you're talking.

It's in your head. ¶ sleeplessly embracing ¶

All right, people, listen up! ¶ butterflies ¶

¶ and needles line ¶ steven scott!


Jim leblanc!

Jim: Here.

Rachel goldberg! Rachel goldberg!

Oh, that -- that's me. Uh...


¶ sleeplessly embracing ¶ danny price!

Danny: Here.

Woman: All right, ladies. Head up to your rooms.

¶ hunger of the pine ¶

What's going on?

Just shut up.

[ sighs ]

¶ sleeplessly embracing ¶

¶ yawn yearns into me ¶

¶ plenty more tears in the sea ¶

¶ and so you finally use it ¶

¶ bedding with me you see at night ¶

¶ you heart wears knight armor ¶

¶ hunter of the pine ¶

[ sighs ]