Ugly Betty (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 13 - Chica and the Man - full transcript

- Hello, gorgeous!
- Thank you.

Not you! Me. This.

My new title and my new office.

It's perfect.
Except for one unsightly little...

Marc. Marc!

Sorry. I will get used to
my new glass door.

Welcome home, boys!

Marc, I'm really proud of your promotion

and I'm really excited
that we get to share an office,

but since it is a professional space,

we could try and
keep the space professional.



Sure, I'll get rid of the Titans of Sport

as soon as you take down
your ethnic bric-a-brac.

And while we're at it,

please refrain from carrying on
in your overly exuberant Latina ways.

Marc, I do not carry on
in an overly exuberant...

Oh, my God!
I won a Blobby!

What happened? Are you okay?

No. I'm sharing an office
with a chunky, cheering Charo!

I won a Blobby!

That's great! A Blobby!

What is a Blobby?

I don't know!

It's a Black and Latina Organization
of Bloggers,

and they would like to
award Betty Suarez



for the best new blog!

I didn't even know
anyone knew about my blog!

Congratulations. That is amazing.

Did anybody hear
that I'm a junior fashion editor?

This is crazy. They want to send
someone over to interview me today,

and I have to find my own person

to present me with the award
at the ceremony.

Will you do it?

You want me to?

Who else would I want more?

No, I'd love to. I mean, this is huge.

Well, I don't know if it's huge.

It's being held at "the place near
Wendy's that has the cupcakes. "

I'm guessing it's a little low-rent.

Who cares? An award is an award
and you deserve it. Your blog is terrific.

Really? You read it?

Not yet. I have it bookmarked and
I'm really psyched to get around to it.

Well, please do it quick,
because the sooner you do,

it'll put me that much closer
to hitting my 75 readers mark.

Well, it is only the beginning.

I know you don't have
a very large readership,

but pretty soon people will be
stopping you on the street.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I love you.

It's you! I love your show.
I love when you're all, "Marc!"

What the hell are you talking about?

Wow, you're always on, huh? Genius!

It's not fair. You, Betty.

Everyone who was ever
Daniel's assistant got promoted but me.

I want to get promoted.
I'm sick of being a receptionist,

always being
at everyone's Beck and Victoria.

Well, Daniel needs someone.

Why don't you ask him for that job
again? Maybe you'll be next.

Mandy, it's so good.

It's like I'm finally my own man
around here. It's really liberating.

Marc!

Got to go.

What could that simpering fool
have been talking about?

I have no idea... Oh!

What is it?

"Mean queens of fashion
in New York City's finest drag bar.

"Double bill featuring Manna Wintour
and Wilheldiva Hater"?

That is so... Offensive.

I will not be mocked by some
low-rent drag queen. It's insulting.

It's inexcusable.

It's delicious. What's that web address?

Yeah, I'll write it down...

Don't even bother.

I'll have my lawyers draw up
a cease and desist order immediately.

As if I didn't have enough queens
to shut down right here at Mode.

- Congratulations, Betty.
- Thank you.

You must be so excited to be honored
by the Big Lesbian Order of Bloggers.

Amanda, I already told you.
That's not what BLOB stands for.

It stands for
Big Lumpy Obese Bloggers.

Those slams might hurt if
they were coming from award winners.

Everyone, let's get started.

You're running this? Fun.

It'll be like watching a five-year-old
pretend to drive the car.

Thank you, Willie,
for that resounding vote of bitchiness,

but I am nonetheless
very excited to announce

that I've landed us an exclusive
fashion shoot and interview

with Diego Martinez and Victoria Velez.

I have to deal with that all day.

I love them!

I've seen
every single one of his movies.

From Dawn of Shame, where
Victoria plays a disgraced prostitute,

to Tides of Regret, where she plays
a disgraced traffic cop.

Must she get so worked up?

And overseeing the fashion shoot

is our newest junior fashion editor,
Marc St. James.

And covering
the interview component...

Please be me. Please be me.

Is this a creative meeting
or The Price Is Right?

Actually, I was planning on
doing it myself.

Well, by "it," do you mean
the interview or Victoria Velez?

No, Willie. I assure you my interest
in the interview is purely professional.

And how many Diego Martinez movies
have you actually seen?

You know what? It would be fun
for us to do it together, Betty.

Yes! I'm so excited.
I have so many questions.

I'm gonna start
by re-watching all of their movies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, Betty.
There's plenty of time.

I don't know, Daniel.

Should she slow down
or you speed up?

I mean, I would hate to see
the assistant exceed the master.

Who am I kidding? I'd love to see that.

Hey! Guess what? I found
the perfect new assistant for you. Me.

Wouldn't that be weird,
now that we're fun buddies again?

Ooh, fun buddy.

There are cameras everywhere.

Hey. Look, Daniel, I know you.
If you hire some new hottie,

you're gonna spend half your day
wondering, "Will we sleep together?

"When will we sleep together? Will she
get all crazy or will it be casual?"

With me, you already know
we're sleeping together,

I am all crazy, and it's casual!
Total timesaver.

I guess I can't argue with that.

Um... But I will need you
to find a new receptionist.

Thank you, Daniel!
Thank you, thank you!

Lots of shrieking today.

Wow. You're excited.

It's just 'cause, like,
I'm the biggest Bettyhead out there.

- "Bettyhead"?
- It's what we call the core 22 of us.

We should get started, 'cause
if I'm not back to work in 20 minutes,

I'm so fired.

Yeah, okay. Fine.
Do I have anything in my teeth?

No. Okay.

So,

the tone of your blog is
normally really positive,

but what I think your readers
really want to know is,

who are you dying to bitch out?

What? No. No. No one.

I know a lot of people use their blogs as
a place to vent petty frustrations, but...

Not that there's anything
wrong with that.

- I mean, that's cool, too.
- Hey. How's it going in here?

Hey, Daniel. This is Wendy.

Wendy, this is Daniel Meade,
editor-in-chief of Mode magazine.

He's also going to present me
with my award.

Oh.

That's cool.

But just so you know,

the Blobbies are about celebrating
minority writers in new media,

not celebrity presenters.

Okay. That sounds like a fun night.

I should probably get going.

No, wait. Daniel, why don't you stay?
Hang out. I could use your help.

Wendy wants something dishy,
and I think I'm disappointing her.

Oh, my God, never. A little.

Well, good luck getting any dish
out of our resident Pollyanna, here.

Has she always been this way?

God, no. She was way worse.

You know, the first day,
she showed up in this insane poncho.

And her hair... Do you remember that?
It was crazy, right?

Yeah. Crazy.

And...

So there's this glass window.

I mean, no one thought
she would last the day.

Seriously, if you had told me
three years later she'd be an editor,

I would have laughed you
out of the room.

Our Betty,
she's really come a long way.

- Thanks, Daniel.
- But to me,

she'll always be
my sweet little assistant.

Always on hand to get me my bagel.
Could you hand me the water?

Okay, that's all we have time for.

So, how was that?

Perfect.

Marc?

What are you doing here?

I couldn't allow this affront
to your dignity go on uninvestigated.

Marc! I found us a table!

You and Claire?

We found a common interest.

All right, y'all! It is show time!

Ladies and lady-like gentlemen,
boys and boy-girls,

without further ado, and because
we lose the place at 10:00,

I present to you the Queen of Mean,

who always serves her cruelty
? la mode.

Wilheldiva Hater!

Good evening.
Is it Fashion Week already?

Because I've never seen
such weak fashion.

Now, who here's from Jersey?

Good, you're learning.

Who here's wearing jersey?

Oh.

I've never seen such gorgeous leather.

But enough about your face.

Finally, some decent material.

It's hardly a skilled impression, though.
She sounds nothing like me.

Marc!

Congratulations! Blobby winner!

- Hilda, you scared me! Champagne?
- Yeah.

Oh! Thank you.

I'm sorry, Hilda. I wish I was a little bit
more in the mood to celebrate,

but this really weird thing happened
with Daniel today at work.

He became a woman, like his brother?

No, not that weird.

This woman came from the Blobbies
to interview me,

and he sat in, you know, to tell
funny stories about me or whatever.

And all he could talk about was
how I never fit in when I first got there,

how badly I dressed,
how I was his good little assistant.

Well, all of those things
are kind of true.

Yeah, but my readers don't know that.

I mean, maybe it's just 22 girls
reading aloud to their cats,

but they think of me as this
put-together, polished professional,

and now that's ruined.

You think Daniel was trying to
make you look bad?

Because I don't think he would do that.

I guess he is giving me the opportunity
to interview two of my idols tomorrow.

Yeah, you know, he probably didn't
even know what he was saying.

Maybe you're just being
a little sensitive.

Mmm.

You're probably right. All right, cheers.

To the Blobbies!

Blobbies!

That's cheap.

So, what did you think?

Wilhelmina!
Oh, my God, you came!

I can't believe it! I love you!

What did you think of the show?

I adored it.

Do it one more time,
and I will sue your fake ass off.

Marc!

Hey, Amanda,
will you hold all my calls?

Diego and Victoria
are gonna be here in 42 minutes,

and I need every last second
to prepare for the interview.

Okay, calm down, Betty.

Good things come
to those who weigh less.

Besides, I'm officially
Daniel's assistant now.

So if you need anyone
to not take your messages,

you'll have to talk to my replacement.

- Helen!
- Helen?

- Okay, who wants to party?
- Me, me! I want to party!

Hey, you look good, too!
Did you get dermabrasion?

No, I'm just wearing pants today.

Wasn't she fired?

What is that?
What is the little lady doing?

Oh, um... No, that's just Betty.

She's always forgetting
the English word for things.

Right, the cleaning lady.

S?.

Gesundheit.

Did you guys widen those elevators

or did that stupid doctor
pull my eyes too tight?

Don't laugh. It'll happen to you.

And so, Diego, Victoria, since your
relationship as director and actress

is all about working
in harmony together,

I thought, what better theme

for our photo shoot than symbiosis!

I see you as the anemone
and you as the clownfish,

harmoniously intertwined,

offering each other
the sustenance and protection needed

to survive
in this harsh creative climate.

Plus, your body is gonna look
smoking hot in this dress.

The idea is odd.
The clothes are strange.

- I love it.
- Great.

I am so excited. I spent all night

reviewing every interview
they've given in the last five years,

because I want to make sure that
we don't come away

with the same old stuff, you know?

I spent most of my prep time
doing pull-ups.

Well, Victoria's intimidating.
Her body in Nights of Torment? Insane.

What about her monologue?

When she breaks down and she admits

that she's the one who killed
the other nun.

Broke my heart.

Yeah, I watched her nude scenes
on YouTube.

And here come our own anemone
and clownfish! Daniel and Betty.

Hi! I'm Betty. It's so nice to meet you.
I'm your biggest fan.

Hi. Daniel Meade. I've really been
looking forward to this interview.

Then why is she the only one
who looks prepared?

Betty, thank you so much for
holding that for me.

Okay!

Why don't we get started?
You two can go change.

And you two, change.

Can I really get away with this?

Of course you can.

I mean, you're the woman
who made a nun's habit look sexy.

You saw Nights of Torment?

I loved every single minute.

Perfect! That's great.
I think we have all we need.

Thank you so much!

That was amazing.

You ready to knock out the interview?
I have a million questions.

Betty, I am editor-in-chief.

Why don't you let me
take the lead on this?

So, I have a million questions for you.

Well, if you have a million questions,

then you probably
don't need this, right?

Well, I have a question, too.

Is that really your folder
or were you just trying to impress me?

Well, he was definitely trying to do that.
This is my research.

All he did to prepare for the meeting
were pull-ups?

Is that true?

- Not...
- Yes.

But, I mean, he's so much better
than when I first got to Mode.

You don't even want to know
how he used to prepare for meetings.

- Betty.
- Really?

Well, it was only because you looked
so incredible in Nights of Torment.

It's four and a half hours.

You really make it
through the whole thing?

Well, not...

Well, he made it
through the nude scenes.

He's a big fan of
the nude scenes. Huh?

Thank you so much.

- What was that?
- What?

What? You embarrassed me
in front of Victoria!

Come on, Daniel. I was just teasing.

I mean, it's not like
I said anything worse

than any of the things
you said about me yesterday.

You said them
to a major international film star

who might go blabbing them
all over Cannes next year.

I said mine on a tiny website
to a band of 20 cat-loving weirdos.

It's a little different, don't you think?

I'm mad because you totally
hit on that guy I was trying to stalk.

Why does your face look familiar?

Well, it shouldn't. I had it totally redone
since the last time I was here.

Here's the name of that place
where I got my jacket.

Why would I care
where you got your jacket?

Because you asked.

Please, Ms. Slater,
don't shut down my show.

It's my only livelihood
and I can't afford a lawsuit.

Or a decent dress, it seems.
Now get out. Rayon hurts my eyes.

Hey, Willie.

Callie from Long Lash
is coming tomorrow.

She wants to do a breast cancer
fund-raising tie-in with us.

Look, I know. The only thing you hate
more than corporate altruism

is drugstore makeup,
but she really wants to meet you.

Fine.

Thank you.

By the way, you look nice.
I like you in white.

Thank you.

Wait. Come back tomorrow.

Since you're no longer performing,
I may have a new job for you.

Mandy, what were you thinking,
bringing her back here?

That giant girl is a giant mess.

Marc, I couldn't help it.

She's like my
Ghost of Lonely Christmas Future.

Besides, she's changed.
She has totally gotten it together.

Hold magazine, please mode.

- You're absolutely right.
- Yeah.

- Hi, sweetie!
- Hey!

Thanks for hooking me up with this job!

You know, I've had
some hard times in my life,

but last week when I hit the big 3-0,
everything started to come together.

And then you
hooking me up with this job?

It's like the cherry
on top of the pill bottle.

I'm so glad.

I need a Town Car.

Don't we all, honey.

- Your friend seems happy here.
- Doesn't she?

Fire her immediately.

And that is enough of that.

But I still feel bad.

Weird. I got this mass e-mail
from Claire Meade

inviting me to a drag show.

Better steer clear, papi.

We know what happens
when you get around drag queens.

Hey, I was not fooled.

It was Betty's party,
I was just trying to be polite.

- Okay.
- It's not funny!

God, Daniel was so mean to me today.

Do you know
what he called my Bettyheads?

He said they were
a tiny band of cat-loving weirdos.

That's kind of
what you called them yourself.

Made me so mad. But you know what?

I'm gonna go into work tomorrow

and I'm gonna tell him
exactly how he made me feel.

Mi hija, I would not be mad at Daniel.

As close as you are,
you still work for him.

If you want to say something,
say it to your family. Not your boss.

"Dear Betty, I love your blog.

"You're always so positive
and inspiring.

"Doesn't anything ever get you mad?
Fiona 21. "

You know what, Fiona?
Yes, sometimes something does.

I know I don't usually
use this space to vent,

but since there are only a handful
of you out there, what the hell?

Heck.

Hell.

Today a really good friend
was insensitive.

Well, I thought he was a friend.
He humiliated me.

He was being a total jerk.

Downright cruel to me.

And after I've spent the past
three years making him look good,

trashes me, my blog, and all of you.
That jerk has everything.

Why would he put down
the one thing that's mine?

Why is she still here?
Didn't Willie tell you to fire her?

She did. And I tried, but I couldn't
bring myself to do it, Marc.

This job means so much to her.

- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.

What does your job mean to you?

If Willie comes in here and sees
her hastily stitched together head

sitting behind that desk,

Helen's not the only one
who's gonna be out of a job.

Who? Who else?
Bring it. What did you hear?

Just fire her. You have no choice.

Hey, Amanda, could you help me
with something on the computer?

Um...

Sure.

I'll do it later!

Hi, foxy.

Betty Suarez.

Mi hija,
have you checked your blog today?

No. I just got in.

Five hundred hits!
Look at all these comments!

Yeah, they're all about how your
jackass friend is really Daniel Meade.

Oh, my God.

And it's linked to, like, 100 websites.
How did this happen?

Why did you write about that?
I told you not to.

I know, papi, I know. What do I do?

All right, just calm down. Is there
any chance Daniel hasn't seen it?

I don't know.
He doesn't even read my blog,

and he's not usually that into the web,
so maybe he didn't.

So, any time your name appears
in the media,

you'll hear a little bing
and receive a Google alert.

Cool.

Nope, he definitely saw it.

Betty, what were you thinking,
posting a rant like that about me?

It was thoughtless and inappropriate
and just stupid.

You know whenever the media
sees my name it's a feeding frenzy.

I didn't even use your name, Daniel.
Someone else figured it out.

Well, you didn't make it hard.

Oh, my God!
The new proofs just came in, and...

Hi. Awkward.

Look, Daniel, I'm sorry.
But this is all gonna blow over fast.

You've had
way worse written about you.

About how you were a womanizer...

Yeah, but when they call me
a womanizer at least it sounds sexy.

You just made me sound like a jerk.

Daniel, Suzuki, TMZ, and something
called The New York Times

are all on the line for you.
What should I do?

I'll deal with it.

Thanks a lot, Betty.

- Hey.
- Oh.

I was just practicing my moves.
There's a contest.

Can I talk to you?

Oh, my God. You know I lied.

Okay, look, things haven't been
going so great for me lately.

The truth is,

my mom kicked me out, I've been
living under a turntable at Butter,

my new eyes stink.

I can only see out of the left corner
of the right eye, and I'm not 30.

I'm 31!

I just didn't want to tell you, 'cause
I didn't want you to feel bad for me.

That's not what you wanted to
talk to me about, is it?

What is it?

It's okay.

I just wanted to tell you that...

You got promoted to...

Overseer of the Closet?
That sounds major.

So major.

Which is why I need you
to always be in here,

and never be seen
anywhere else in the office.

Okay.

Okay. So, your first assignment is...

To read this,

cover to cover.

Yet another incentive
to get my eyes redone.

Okay.

Hi, everybody.

Ms. Slater, I didn't expect you to be

such a strong supporter
of breast cancer awareness.

We girls have to stick together.

Now, I must be going, so ta-ta.
Or should I say, "ta-tas"?

Oh, my.

That will bring the house down
at my office. Thanks again.

Safe travels.

Nicely done.

At 3:00, you'll be giving an empowering
speech to that girl's troop,

another legion of fools
I'd rather not suffer.

Wow, you're meaner than
any version of you I could ever do.

Well, I could make an effort to be liked,

but I'd rather be hated
than inconvenienced.

However, if you stick around and
shave again, seems I could have it all.

No, no, no, Perez, listen to me. Look...

Hey.

Look, I know I can't take back what
I did, but I wrote a retraction, and...

Really? Does it include an explanation
as to why you did all this?

Because that's the one part
I really don't get, Betty.

Look, I know you're mad and I'm sorry.

But there's a reason that I did it.

You really hurt my feelings.

Your feelings?
Betty, this isn't about your feelings.

This is about you doing
serious damage to my reputation

as the head of Meade Publications!

I know you think you and your award
are the center of the universe,

but you have to wake up.
It's not a big deal.

Forget it. Forget my retraction,
forget my apology,

forget I ever asked you
to present the award.

Because if that's how you feel,
I really don't want you there anyway.

Fine, that's the last place
I'd ever want to be.

Betty, you're blowing up! It's awesome!

With all this extra press,
the Blobbies are gonna be huge!

And we have
the greatest thing planned.

- When Daniel gets on stage...
- Daniel's not coming.

But he has to.

We planned a protest.

When Daniel gets up
to present the award,

we're gonna pelt him
with pairs of red glasses and burritos.

I know it sounds a little bit offensive,

but only the Latinas
will throw the burritos,

so it's totally PC.

Daniel's not coming. I'll find
someone else to present the award.

Really? You can find another celebrity
at the last minute?

Well, I don't know about that.

But you said the Blobbies
weren't about celebrities.

Yeah, but I just said that to sound
cool when I thought we had one.

We need a celebrity, Betty.
Isn't there somebody you can get?

Mode magazine, please hold.
Mode... No, you hold!

Okay, sorry. Hi. Daniel, sorry.

Okay, I'm coming right now. Okay.

Mandy, why did I just see Helen
in the Closet,

reading a four-year-old Marie Claire

and wiping Cheeto dust off of
her fingers with a vintage Prada shift?

Marc, I tried to fire her, but I couldn't.
And I knew if Willie saw her...

What happens
when she asks about a paycheck?

I give her Meade money.

Mandy, a fake job and a fake paycheck
aren't helping Helen any.

And trust me, no good ever came
from keeping someone in the closet.

Okay, you just got really deep.

I know. And now I have a headache.

It's Willie. Look busy.

I had such a good time with you girls.

Next time we'll make
macadamia nut brownies.

Nice seeing you, girls.

Bye, Wilhelmina!

That was nice, watching me
bring a smile to all those little faces.

Damn my cha-cha heel.

Maybe J-Lo is good...

Ask Wilhelmina. She'd be perfect.

No, Wendy, wait! I can't ask her.
She doesn't do anything for anybody.

We can at least ask.

She's gonna crush you!

Ms. Slater?

What is it, Betty?

I'm not Betty.

Of course you aren't. What is it?

My organization, BLOB, is honoring
Betty with a Blobby Award tonight

and it would mean so much to us
if you would present it to her.

I'd be delighted.

- Really?
- I wouldn't miss it for the world!

See? I told you! Thank you!
She's really nice.

Why would you agree to that?

Because it's more fun
to watch you do it for me.

Tonight? I can't.

Why not? I pay you.

And you don't have a show
to perform anymore, do you?

So I don't have a super-secret job?

And these...

The supermarket won't take
these Daniel Dollars?

I'm so sorry, Helen.

It's okay.
You've been a good friend, Amanda.

And sleeping at Butter isn't so bad.

Sometimes DJ Omar
puts a pillow out for me.

Is it just me or does a cold gust of wind
actually pick up when you approach?

Hey, what are you still doing here?

You're gonna be late
for Betty's big fat Mexican award show.

I'm not going.

Why, because Betty didn't want you?

No, because I don't want to be there.
Not after she humiliated me.

Only after you humiliated her.

Amanda, I wasn't trying to
humiliate her.

Besides, it doesn't matter. I'm her boss.

It isn't her place
to challenge my behavior.

Oh, my God, Daniel,
you sound like such a douche.

Okay, I'm not saying that
as your employee,

I'm saying it as your fun buddy.

And I'm also gonna say that I think
you were trying to humiliate Betty,

because you're threatened
by her success.

- I'm threatened by Betty?
- Yeah.

That's crazy.
I'm the editor-in-chief of a major...

God.

See? I can be
very perceptive sometimes.

- Call me a car.
- Sure. Where you going?

Thank you
so much for inviting me here.

It's an honor and a pleasure
to be with you all tonight,

in celebration
of this little lady right here.

I love Betty Suarez.

Who the hell is that?

I don't know,
but if you don't talk to Grandpa,

she's gonna be your new step mom.

Because we're all people, aren't we?

I give up. I don't care anymore.

This thing has turned
into such a train wreck.

She thinks it's a train wreck?

We're the ones who bought
all these burritos for nothing.

I don't even think
that's Wilhelmina Slater.

Shut up, Dawn.

Which is why I'm thrilled to be
presenting her with this award tonight.

Excuse me, I think I'm supposed
to be presenting this award.

Oh, my God, it's Daniel.

- Yes!
He actually showed up.

Go for it, honey. I have a show to go to.

She runs a magazine, does a show,
and still has time to look like that?

Don't stress-eat those burritos just yet,
you guys. It's about to get really fun.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How'd it go?
- Well, the bad news is,

she was crushed.

The good news is,
we've got a new roomie!

Hi, doll.

I can't wait to spoon with you tonight.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not kidding. Is that apricot?

It's...

I've got to pee.

Good evening.

Jerk!

I always say, never follow a drag act.

I almost didn't come here tonight.

- We don't want you!
- Yeah, get out of here.

Because the woman
I'm about to introduce to you,

I respect and admire and adore,

also happens to intimidate
the hell out of me.

This may come as a surprise to her,

but it shouldn't have
come as a surprise to me.

Betty Suarez has done more
in three and a half years

than I've done in my entire life,

which is why I couldn't help
but feel a little threatened.

Betty is a force of nature.
A positive one, like sunshine,

but a force nonetheless.

I think we're all very lucky
to have her shining on us.

Okay, that hurt.

Quiet, lady.
No one talks over Manna Wintour.

Now, in my fabulous documentary,
September Issue...

That's right,
you bitches better have seen it.

Andr? Leon Talley calls me
the biggest woman in fashion.

Obviously, he's taken himself
out of the running.

I am sick of your excuses, Wilheldiva.

If you're not here now,
don't bother coming in at all.

I'll be there in a second.

Give me that phone.

Whoa!

That was fast.

Thank you. Good night!

All right!

What are you doing? I told you
never to perform your show again!

Ms. Slater?

I was only gonna do it one more time.

Please, this is my life.

What do I care about your life?

Wilheldiva Hater!

Enough with you!

Get that thing off me! Get it off!

What's going on?
Is this part of the show?

There is no show, honey.
I'm no drag queen.

Then why can I see
your package from here?

Shut up, Claire.

- We want a show!
- Yeah!

- What?
- Move it, buddy!

- Get off me!
- Go!

Marc!

Damn, that girl lost weight!

Hell.

- So...
Go home, loser!

It is my great pleasure
to present this award to Betty Suarez.

Yeah, Betty!

Thank you, Daniel.

And thank you to everyone at the Black
and Latina Organization of Bloggers.

Latina? I thought
the L stood for "lesbian. "

That's what I thought.

As proud as I am to be here today,
I just want to say that

we're not here celebrating me tonight,
as much as we're here celebrating

what blogs can do.

Sure, they can be used
to thoughtlessly attack people

from a seemingly safe vantage point,

which is very regrettable.

But they can also make it possible for
someone who has something to say,

but doesn't have a TV station
or a major magazine,

to still make their voice be heard.

And I think that's really important.

Even if it is just 71 people listening.

Actually, it's 72.
I read it. It's really good.

Let her talk, jerk!

Please don't be mad at Daniel.

All he did in his interview
was remind me of who I used to be.

And that was really embarrassing.

But now I realize
that I have to love that girl that I was,

because she made me who I am now.

That's why none of you
should be ashamed of who you are.

Because the misfits and the weirdos
of today

are the world-changers of tomorrow!

- Who says we're weirdos?
Yeah!

That's not what I meant.

Homophobe! Get her!

- I didn't...
- Betty! Get down!

She's magnificent!

Seems a little off to me.

Really?

I just came by to say thank you.
I've been getting calls all day,

saying that I gave the performance
of a lifetime.

Oh.

Is that so?

Apparently, I got off stage,

demanded and got a raise,

two additional nights per week,
and top billing.

Well, you're a very talented performer.
And a shrewd negotiator.

But why?

- I thought you didn't want...
- Go ahead and do your little show.

On one condition,

that you let me give you
a new wardrobe.

Wilheldiva Hater would never be
performing in tatty knockoffs.

I can live with that.

And,

I may take one of those nights,
now and then.

- Like her good side and her evil side.
- She played twin nuns?

- Yeah.
- Hey. Finished up the interview.

Oh, I thought we were
doing that together.

Yeah, well, you inspired me
to take my game up a notch.

Besides, I thought
you might be able to edit it,

since you are the editor-in-chief
of an award-winning blog.

I'm gonna go, and let you two
make love, or whatever it is you do.

It's great. I'm sure it's perfect.

Really?

I would make a few changes.

- Of course you would.
- But not a lot.

Just a few things,
like you sort of overwrote the intro.

- Is this gonna take a while?
- No. It's gonna be very quick.

Just small changes.
Like, I don't think you need...