Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Stalking Dead - full transcript

I dive into the infinite light
of self-creation.

[baby whimpers]

Beyond death, my voice
embraces the universe's song.

[zombies moaning]

[pop music]

A great man once said,

"we have nothing to fear
but fear itself."

Another said, "to conquer fear
is the beginning of wisdom."

Problem is...


I don't think they had as much
to be afraid of as we do.

[drum solo]

Cut! Cut!

I am so sorry, Lady Hoo Ha.

We'll get those sewn back on
right away.

[scoffs] No, idiot.
That's my big finale.

Where's your sense
of showmanship?

Ugh, I wish I worked
for zombie Beyonce.

[knocking at door]


[door squeaks]

Oh, uh, I'm Mark Lilly.

I saw the Craigslist ad
about the apartment.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

I'd like to hear a like,
a dislike,

and your biggest turnoff.

Well, I like helping others,

I dislike intolerance,

and for my turnoff, I'm gonna
have to go with bare feet.

- They're disgusting.
- Well, those are answers.

You can write your number
on the sign-in sheet,

and I'll be in touch.

Oh. Right.

Well, I should probably
get going anyway.

I have my new hire orientation
down at the D.O.I.

Whoa! Say what?
You work at the D.O.I.?

What took you so long
to tell me?

We just met 30 seconds ago.

I am humbled to be
in your presence, sir.

You provide an invaluable
service to this community

and to society as a whole.

Why, thank you.

I'd like to think
I can make a difference.

Pat yourself on the back,
Matt Lilly.

Uh, Mark.

You get to be my roommate.

Well, I probably shouldn't commit
to the first place I've seen.

I don't even know your name,
but what the heck?

Let's do it.

You seem like a guy who really
has his priorities in check.

Yeah, I am that guy.

I have a smokin' hot
soon-to-be girlfriend...


- I've given up carbs...
- Cool.

I haven't had a flare-up in months...

- Oh.
- Yeah...

The future's looking pretty bright
for Randall Skeffington.

[harp strums]

Oh, ice cream,

if only your sweet
cooling sensation

could be applied
to my itchy, lonely junk.

Ugh, how many cartons did you
make it through last night?

Twelve. Never sleeping really
plays hell with my diet.

You know, Randall,
sometimes I miss

the positive go-getter
I thought I moved in with.

The TV's talking.

[instrumental fanfare]

Tonight on abscess hollywood,

everyone is going
"hey" to the "z"

As zombie mania spreads
like my gonorrhea.

Indeed, the news of pop sensation
Lady Hoo Ha going zombie

has sent scores of her mindless fans
to do the same.

We're all zombies anyway,

so I'm just making the outside
match the inside, you know?

That is so profound, Hoo Ha.

I mean, don't you wish

that you didn't look
like a talking anus?

What are you talking about?

In the last week alone,

New York's
department of integration

has registered over 25,000
new zombies.

[chuckling] I wouldn't want to work
at that place right now.

Those guys are [bleep].

As you may or may not
have noticed, Grimes,

the D.O.I. has been flooded
with zombies.


- It's totally clogging the system.
- And clogging my nose.

These zombies are giving me
the sneezies.

[blows nose]

Someone needs to hunt down
this Lady Hoo Ha idiot

and convince her to renounce
going zombie.

And by "convince," I mean "threaten."

I'll do it,
not just because it's my job,

but also because I find her
music to be derivative at best.

Fine. Whatever.

I mean, sure, it's got a beat,
and you can dance to it,

But that doesn't make it art.

We get it.
[blows nose]

Look, I'll listen to her songs
a few times a day,

but will I still appreciate her
in ten years?

I'm not so sure.

Grimes, get out of here!

Look, just 'cause I own
all of her albums

and subscribe to her fan letter

doesn't mean she's freakin'



I'm okay. I'm okay.
[blood squirting]

Hey, mister, you forgot this.

- You keep it, kid.
- But I don't want it.

Class, I'd like everyone to
welcome our new student, Carl.

Can we have some subdued


Carl recently went zombie
as part of the ongoing "z" craze.

Any zombie who try to zombie me
I shoot with poor man's gun.

We don't want to catch zombie,

Relax, everyone.

You can't catch zombie
just by being near a zombie.

How do you become a zombie, then?
From a toilet seat?

You have to be bitten
by one, Erik.

See, we need to clear up
these kinds of misconceptions

by having a frank conversation
about zombies.

So I'm canceling today's field trip
to the Yankee game.

[all groan]

[projector running]

Not so long ago,
zombies were confined

to an impoverished area
of New York

known as Zombietown.

But after the zombie wars
of the late '60s,

zombies won civil rights,
and Zombietown became gentrified

into one of the more charming
areas of the city.

I looked at a loft in Zombietown.
Too many zipsters.

Zombies have come a long way

in the past few decades,
but it's still

a very difficult life
filled with skin grafts,

rotting limbs, watching
all your loved ones die

as you linger on for eternity
as a walking corpse.

- It's hard to rent a car.
- Bummer.

Carl, you've been rather quiet.

Would you like to share
your thoughts with the class?

I just never had many friends,

so when all these cool people
started goin' zombie,

I thought doing it
would make me cool too.

But now I'm lonelier than ever!

Oh, man!

What a freak.

A lesson in the dangers of peer pressure.
I'll tell you what, Carl.

I'll spend the day helping you
get used to your new lifestyle.

All right?
How does that sound?

What about the rest of us?

Oh, I guess you can go
to that Yankee game after all.


Yeah, Callie.
I'm with her now.

Don't sweat it.
She's totally on board.

You're so right, Francis.
I do need to consider

the effects my actions have
on my fans.

I'll tell everyone
to stop going zombie at once.

Glad we're on the same page,
Hoo Ha.

- Can I call you Hoo Ha?
- Of course.

While I'm here, I do have some
thoughts on your choreography.

Mind if I show you some moves?

We start with a pop, shimmy,
then lock, jazz hands,

then pop, lock, back to the shimmy.

Francis, those are amazing moves.

You simply must be my
dance captain.

- Hamburger.
- Hamburger?

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger. Hamburger.



I don't have a hamburger.
Leave me alone.

Carl, I've asked my roommate
Randall to come by

and help us acclimate you
to life as a zombie american.

Randall has been "z"
for well over a year now.

I think you could learn
a lot from him.

He sounds like a great guy.
I can't wait to meet him...

For the first time in my life.

What an odd thing to say.

Okay, where's the fire?

I bet Leonard I could jerk off
30 times in one day,

and I was just about to win--

Uh, Randall, I'd like
to introduce you to Carl.

Carl is a new zombie
who could use a mentor.

Hi, there. I'm Carl.

- Mark has told me so much about you.
- I have?

You look kind of familiar.
Oh, braineaters anonymous, right?

You're that dude that's always,
uh, cryin' like a little bitch?

That really defeats the purpose
of "anonymous," Randall,

but Carl just went "z" this week.

There's no way
you could have met him.

Dude, I need this hand
to do horrible things... remember?

Carl, please let go of his hand.

So, uh, Randall, you want
to grab a bite to eat? It's on me.

Or it can be me.


Just trying out
some new zombie jokes.


Yeah, well, don't ever
do that again.

Sorry, Carl.
No time to dillydally.

We need to find you a new job
that's zombie-appropriate.

Yeah, I can hook him up
with the perfect job. I know a guy.

But first, if I could kindly
borrow somebody's hand lotion,

I would prefer not to do
a Kansas City dry rub.

Come on, the clock's ticking,

I don't know about this, Randall.

Zombie pylon?
It seems dangerous.

Do you want my help or not?
This job is great.

You get paid to stand around
all day,

and everyone looks great
in a vest.


[screaming hysterically]
My arm!

First of all,
vest still totally works,

and I can get you a new arm,

Just give me 50 bucks
and don't ask any questions.

I only have three 20s.

You know what?
Just take it all.

Carl, put your wallet away.

Look, I am so sorry
about your arm.

Asking Randall to help
was clearly a mistake.

Oh, am I not being
helpful enough for you?

I take time
out of my very busy day--

my vigorous, vigorous day--
to give you advice,

and now it's not good enough.

You know, Mark...
[clears throat]

he does have a point.

He just cost you an arm!

Oh, so it's my fault, Mark?

Or is it your fault
for listening to my bad advice?

Who is to say?
I got to go.

Come on, Carl.
Let's get you to your new home.

[whimpers weakly]
Maybe to a hospital first.

No groaning,
no foot-dragging,

and the front doors lock at 8:00.

Rent is $2,000 a month.
Never call me.

Well, this is it.

You're a fully integrated zombie
american now. Congratulations.

To be honest, this is still
very new and scary.

I don't feel integrated.

We spent five hours together.

That's how long integration
takes, okay?

If you have any issues, my group
sessions are every morning.

Bring your own donuts.

[sighs heavily]

I guess I'll just think
about the arm I lost today

until I cry myself to sleep.

Listen, swing by my place
tomorrow after work.

- Let me see how you're doing.
- Thanks so much, Mark.

[sobbing] You don't know
how much this means to me.

Okay, this amount of contact
definitely violates D.O.I. policy.

In accordance with human
resources guidelines,

I am now going to back away

Okay, then.
See you tomorrow.

See you then...
Mark Lilly.

[laughing maniacally]

[knocking at door]

And no maniacal laughter, either.

[rock music]

♪ When the truth is found ♪

♪ to be lies... ♪

Damn it!
Carl, I'm telling you, man,

there is no point in playing this

if you can't pull your weight
on the drums.

I'm sorry, Mark, it's just
a little difficult with this...

the one arm and all.

I don't hear the guy
from Def Leppard complaining.

I'm sorry, Randall.
I won't mess up again.

See that you don't.

Maybe I should just pop in a movie.

Do you have must love dogs?

Oh, jeez, do I have...

the best John Cusack
romantic comedy ever made?

I guess it kind of depends on
if you want to see it

on bluray, dvd, or laserdisc, bro.
You tell me.

You tell me if I have
must love dogs.

You like that crap too?

Pfft, for my money,
nothing beats Cusack,

except maybe Tyler Perry.

You are also a Perryhead?

Oh, jesus.
Here we go.

Of course!

He's the only person
in showbiz who is...

Both: Able to seamlessly blend
comedy and melodrama

while accurately
and respectfully portraying

the black experience
in contemporary america!

- Yes!
- Hmm...

Oh, man.
Thanks for hangin' out, Mark.

- I had a lot of fun today.
- Me too, Carl.

We have way more in common
than I expected.

Speaking of which, thanks
for recommending serendipity.

Don't know how that one
slipped by me.

Hey, thanks for letting Carl
hang out here today.

He's having a tough go
adjusting to zombiehood.

Don't worry about it.

- Is there something on your mind?
- I don't like this "Carl."

There's something off
about him.

Oh, come on.
He's harmless.

A little awkward, maybe,
but impeccable taste in movies--

I'm just saying, what do you
really know about this guy?

You can't trust zombies,Mark.

Trust me on that one.
Trust me.

[cell phone ringing]

Mark, you'll never believe

who I'm friends with now--
Lady Hoo Ha.

We're in her tour bus
right outside your apartment.

You should join the fun.

Where are you?

Parked on the corner.
Hurry on down.

We're gonna have a hookah party.


I taste almonds.

[button beeps]

Where are you going?

To hang out with Carl
and his stupid name?

I'm gonna go check on Grimes.

I'm pretty sure
he's having a stroke.

But since you asked,

yes, Carl and I are meeting
later for Froyo.

Carl's creepy, Mark.
And that's coming from a guy

who jerked off 60 times
to win a bet.

♪ Caught me by surprise
but I found a friend in you ♪

♪ I guess we're on our way
to do what best friends do ♪

Um, can I just get a neck massage?

♪ This feels so right ♪

♪ I'm so alive
even though you're dead ♪

♪ are you my new best friend? ♪

♪ are you my
new best friend? ♪

♪ are you my new best friend? ♪

Jeez, these arms cost
both an arm and a leg.

Get out.

♪ are you my new best friend? ♪

♪ are you my new
best friend? ♪

Whew, what a movie.

For a minute, things were
looking a little rocky

for the cus, then bam!
Happy ending.

I didn't see that one coming.

Carl, I believe this may be
the start of a beautiful friendship.

So you're my friend?

Well, technically,
you're still my case file,

but I guess there aren't any
rules against us being friends.

Because I'm going out
in my fishing boat this weekend,

and I'd really love it
if you came with.

Just two guys hangin' out alone
over the deep, deep water,

not another soul around
for miles...

You know... fishing.

Well, I do technically
consider fishing murder.

But what the hell?
I'm in.

[glasses clink]

[ominous music]

Listen, Hoo Ha,
if you want a duet,

you have to pay attention
to the harmonies.

Now, if I sing up here,
where do you need to be?

[bird chirps]

Now let's try this again
on my count.

Two, three, four...

♪ Your romancin's ♪

♪ got me dancin' ♪

♪ like a prancin' ♪

♪ Ted Danson ♪

[zombies moaning]

What the [bleep]
happened to Grimes?

This is really heavy!

What do you have in here?

Just, uh, fishing supplies.

Wow, you must take this
really seriously.

Oh, whoopsie daisy.

[metal clanking]

- This is fishing equipment?
- Of course.

This is for tying the ship
to the dock.

This is for, uh, gutting
our catch.

This is a flare gun
in case we get stranded,

and these are for the engine.

What about the candlestick?

That's for...

[lighter clicks]

What a classy touch.
That's good thinking, Carl.

Now, where are
your life vests?

Any worthy sea vessel must have
personal floatation devices.

I'm just a stickler for the rules.
That, and I can't swim.

[ominous music]

- Here you go.
- Cool.


Well, we better
hit the hay, buddy.

We have a big day
ahead of us.

Time to catch some...


No pun intended.


Ah, no pun... offended.

[upbeat music]

[crowd murmuring]

What do you mean,
you're quitting?

That's right, titsy.

I'm going on the road
with Lady Hoo Ha.

I'm her new songwriter,

manager, set designer, stylist,

head roadie, dance shoe cobbler,

drug pusher,
second-chair violinist,

copyright lawyer,
flower gardener,

brazilian waxer,
and sexual plaything!

Ooh, can you get
us backstage passes?

That all goes through
my intern's assistant.

What the hell would

a megastar like Lady Hoo Ha
see in you anyway?

Ask her yourself.

[bird chirps]

[blood spurts]

[gasps] Jesus!

Give 'em the scoop, Lady.

[bird chirps]

Oh, no, you didn't!

Grimes, do you think
this bird is Lady Hoo Ha?

What bird?

I want to be a rock star!

Why are you doing this?

I really wanted
those backstage passes.

Man, I have not gotten
a single nibble.

You should really consider
putting a worm on the hook.

Carl, I've told you several times,
that is homicide.





My safety attire!



Hey! What did I say to you
about maniacal laughter?

Hey, sudoku is boring as shit.

What is that? Punishment
*** for googling the word "freedom"?

When is Mark getting home?

How about never?

Carl, what are you doing here?

I am the rightful heir

to your current now past
roommate's bedroom.

Okay, right, but here's the thing.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I am talking about saying
good-bye to Mark Lilly

and hello to your new roommate,


Awesome guy, looking to
share upscale apartment,

no kids, pets or actresses?

My old Craigslist ad for the apartment!

I knew you look familiar.

And for turn-off, I'd have to say
people who won't be my friend.

Believe it or not, that's the
least creepy answer so far.

Write your number on the signing
sheet and I'll be in touch.

I waited weeks for that call.

Even put a hold on my
promising actiong career.

The second I met you

I knew you were the best
friend I never had.

You mean the only friend?

You were col, laid back, confident.

Everything I wasn't.

But when I found out you rented
th eroom to someone else,

I was devastated.

I vowed to find out what
he had that I didn't.

I spent 2 years spying on Mark Lilly,

discovering his terrible
taste in entertainment,

his affinity for bowling,

even his inexplicable love for eggs.

What is that?

When the zombie craze hit,

I finally got an excuse
to get into Mark's class.

I used the information I had gathered
to gain his trust.

So I could lore him to his death.

Wait, you killed him?

Randall, don't you deserve a roomate,
who would kill for you?

Well, now that you put it that way,
how did you credit?

Freeze, dirtbag! You're under
arrest for zombie impersonation.

- What about trying to murder me?
- That's a less charge.

Mark! But how?

I must admit, you did a good job
for getting my trust, Carl.

But you made one crucial mistake.

Oh, great!
Here comes another flasback.

We have a big day ahead of us.
Time to catch some "z"s.

Anyone, who has lived with a zombie
knows, zombies don't sleep.

Never sleeping really place
how old my diet.

That was the smoking gun.
Although in retrospect...

I should've been more suspicious
of how much you liked Randall.

Why is that suspicious?

Not fast I made water wings
under my fishing vest,

after you pushed me over the board,
I gently floated my way to safety.

- But how did you get back to... ?
- No more flashbacks!

You have a date in State Pen.

Wait, wait!
Randall, just tell me why.

Why did you choose him over me?

Yeah, funny story about that.

Mark told me he worked
in the D.O.I.

I naturally thought he maent
"Dungeon of Intercourse".

That's sex club in Hell's Kitchen.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, that would've been sweet, man.

Anyway, turned out it's some
stupid government thing. My bad.

I lost it all for you,
you bastard!

They say the secret to a happy life is,
knowing when to embrace change...

Sorry Lady Hoo Ha, but zombies are out,
and werewolves are totally in.

Check out Rihanna's foxy new look.

- She can bite me... anytime she wants.
- You are repellent.

...when to hold on to the past.

Oh, Randall.

And, when to just appreciate,
what you've got.

I can't believe you thought I worked
in some gross sex club.

What do you want, man?
I thought you'll be able to get me in for free.

Well, I'm sorry you don't get any
selfish perks from my job.

I wouldn't say that.

I've been *** of your health
care since day one.