Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 2, Episode 14 - Mark Loves Dick - full transcript

Mark becomes conflicted about his relationship with Callie after she gets a promotion by turning herself into a man. He does his best to be understanding, but their love is soon put to the test when they are asked to embark on a dangerous mission to the fabled underwater city of Atlantis.

Showering before bed
can be relaxing.

But sometimes the stress of
work just follows you home.


Ambassador Gary?

I'm sorry to break
into your home,

but I've been diagnosed with
inoperable stabberculosis,

and I want to enjoy
the time I have left.

I'm resigning,
effective immediately.

Really terrible news.

We're going to miss you.

oh, y--oh, wuh.

Uh, oh.
There we go.

Thank you.

You may want
to take another shower.

[Dramatic music]


I have some bad news.

Derek Gary has contracted
full-blown stabberculosis.

[All gasp]

We need a new ambassador

to the fabled underwater city
of Atlantis.

I thought Atlantis
was just a myth.

It's as real as El Dorado,
Narnia, or Skankville.

In accordance
with our current treaty,

we provide Atlantis
with all the pizza they can eat.


In return, they fight off

the biggest ass[Bleep]
in the sea,

the Kraken, which is hell-bent
on attacking Manhattan.

But now the Atlanteans
are fed up

with how much garbage New York's
been dumping in the water.

Apparently, it's been "clogging"
their precious air filters.

Gary couldn't have resigned
at a worse time.

I mean, we're right
in the middle of Kraken season.

So I'll be conducting interviews

for the ambassador position

And, Callie, I'm going to need
you to put on some makeup.

We want to make
a good impression.

Actually, I'd like to apply.

[All except Mark gasp]

A woman could do this job.

I mean,
use your pretty little head.

Am I right, fell?

[All except Mark laugh]


On behalf of all men,
I want to apologize

for the most offensive display
of sexism I've ever seen.

No, Twayne's right.

I'd never accomplish anything

with my spectacular boobs, legs,
and ass getting in the way.

That is effing hooey.

I grew up watching my older
sister Swoozy

lose job after job to sexism.

People blamed it
on her sweating problem.

She was born with overactive
skunk glands in her pits.

But I could see
it was really sexism.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, male chauvinism
is disgusting.

And I'll be g-darned if I'll let
you become its next victim.

Mark my words.
You are getting that interview.

No, the sweating problem
is disgusting.

[Discordant voices]
♪ we shall overcome ♪

♪ we shall overcome ♪

5 that was beautiful.

You guys
are really great singers.

Thank you, but we're not here
for musical accolades.

We demand you interview Callie

to be the next ambassador
to Atlantis.

But I just hired him.

Meet Dick.

You hired someone already?

How could you do this to Callie?

Mark, it's me.

Yes, Dick.
Twayne just introduced you.

No, it's me.

Callie underwent
a sexual reassignment

so she could get the position.

I chose Dick as my male name.

. Your girlfriend's
kind of a hunk.

Let's give these gentlemen
some privacy.

Check it out.

Isn't this crazy?
Look at my arms.

I can't believe you did this
without asking me,

and, out of
all the names to pick,

you just went with Dick?

I thought it was funny.

Well, it's not.
It's--it's upsetting.

Well, it's--
technically, it's Richard.

Why not Ralph or Corey or Beau?

Look, I could've named myself
[bleep], but I didn't.

None has the name [Bleep]!

Honey, this is my dream job

and I knew that you'd support
my happiness.

Come on.
Give daddy some sugar.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa now.

Come on.
No, no, no.

What's the problem, sweetie?

I'm glad things worked out
the way you wanted,

but this kind of changes things
in our relationship.


Inside, I'm still the same
person with the same feelings

and sexual desires for you.

Don't worry, baby.

We'll have the next six months
in Atlantis

to get used to it.

Six months?

That's how long
my first assignment is.

And you know I can't go that
long without hitting that.

Even if I were good with you
having a p-e-n-i-s--


Six months is a long time.

I have a job too.

Look, women give up their
careers for men all the time.

I guess I just thought that you
were more progressive than that.

I am.
I support women's rights.

But you are a man now,

which--that is
a woman's choice to make.

I'm just--
I'm very, very confused.

I think I need to go
talk this out with some friends.

So, brothers, while I want
to be supportive of Callie--

The name's Dick.

I can't believe he's already
been inducted into the man club.

Such broad shoulders.

I just don't feel comfortable
continuing our relationship

on a romantic level
because I am straight.

Ditching your girlfriend
just because she's a he?

That's discrimination, Buster.

I guess it was all about
the body for you.

Not the person.

I'm very surprised
by this reaction.

You're not even considering
the benefits.

I'm becoming very familiar
with the workings

of the male genitalia,
if you know what I mean.



Look, we've given you
a lot to think about.

Grimes is taking me
out to Atlantis

his boat tomorrow morning.

Be at the dock at 6:00
if you want to come with me.

And if you don't show,
I know it means we're over.

♪ It used to be ♪

♪ I couldn't help
but think about ♪

♪ you and me, oh ♪

♪ just you and me, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ now I wonder
will I only be able ♪

♪ to think about your penis ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

Mark's not coming.

I guess this erection's
going to waste.

I wouldn't be so sure, sailor.

I stayed up all night

thinking about how uncomfortable
it makes me

to imagine being with Callie
as a man.

But it also occurred to me

how insensitive and selfish
those feelings are.

Inside, Dick
is the same beautiful woman

I fell head over heels for.

So, Dick, if we can take it
very, very...

Very slowly,

I'm willing to give this a shot.

Come here, you.

Nothing wrong with a hug,
I guess.

[Slurping and groaning]

- No. Ow, ow. No.
- What?

- There's stubble burn.
- Sorry.

You guys sure
it's safe to fish here?

There's a lot of garbage.

It's all part
of the delicate ecosystem.

The fish eat the filthy garbage,

which makes them sick
and easy to catch.

It's beautiful, really.

Could someone get my back?

Go ahead, honey.

I promise I won't get
too jealous.


Your fingers feel like 10 tiny
newborn babies kissing my back.

Full stop!
We're above Atlantis!

I'll prepare
the submersion device.

You're joking, right?

- Nope.
- [Grunts]

Make sure you breathe out
the whole way down, Lilly.

Don't want to get the bends!

[Gargling groans]

Nothing to declare.

I don't even have any luggage.

Just put on these togas.

I'd actually be more
comfortable in my own clothes.

Togas are mandatory, princess.

Mark, please show some respect
for their culture.


That mannequin looks like
a dead body.

It is.

Your people just throw them
in the water

with the rest of your garbage.

We recycle them
to hold visitors' clothing.

Your clothes will be
waiting for you on the surface

when you go home.


Feels like I got a big one.


It's Lilly!
They killed him.

They didn't even have
the decency to rob him.

They just threw away the body.

Somebody should say something.

I'm pretty sure
his favorite song

was Poison by Bell Biv Devoe.

Does anybody remember the words?

All: No.

Wow, this place is huge.

I told you this job has perks.

You want to break it in?

I'm not done with the tour
just yet.

Men's health magazines...

Testicle washer...

Silk-lined glory hole

this place seems weirdly
tailored to men.

Uh, I need you to help me
with my testosterone injection.

I-I've always been squeamish
about needles.

So where do I, uh--

It works best if it's injected
directly into the penis.

-- Of course it does.


Well, you didn't skimp
down here.

You know what I always say.
Go big or go home.


Well, you're not going home
any time soon, then.

No, no.

No, I--
just bought the whole block.

Ambassador Maggotbone.

On behalf of my people,
I welcome you

to the underwater city
of Atlantis.

Thank you, your highness.

I look forward to beginning
our negotiations tomorrow.

Allow me to introduce
my companion,

Mark Lilly.

Enchante, Mr. Lilly.

Um, thanks.

Let's go inside.

The pizza's getting cold.

I'm rusty.

How much you bench?

I'm pretty sure you're missing
a verb in that sentence, rusty.

Beauty and brains.
Nothing sexier.

[Swinging big band music]

This is an interesting party.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Things are going to get tense
once our diplomatic talks begin.

What I mean is,

there don't appear to be
any women in Atlantis

at all.

Wow, Mark,
nothing gets past you.

Mind if I cut in?

Uh, he's all yours,
your highness.

Can't wait
to see how he handles.

Oh, ah, oh.

I'm not much of a dancer.

Don't let him fool you.

Mark was a ballroom dance
champion in college.

You just need to loosen up.

Put your hips into it.


It's as natural as making love.

Now just relax.

And, yes.

Now that you're living here,

hope that dip
is the first of many.

You already got a man.

Stay away from mine, bro.

Rest in peace, Mark Lilly.

You always were and always
will be my best friend.

Hate to burst your bubble, but
Mark was clearly my best friend.

Mark hated you guys,
but he and I were like brothers.

Does anyone else have a locket
full of Mark's hair?

Didn't think so.

Guys, let's not do this.

Let's do this!

Last man standing
is Mark's best friend!



This is how much I love you,

Best friends to the end!

- Clang!
- Ugh!


Uh, we should probably
do something about this.

Twayne's right.
We should plug the hole.

With your fat head!

Get his fat head in that hole!

Block that hole!

Everyone get in on this!



[Grunts and punches]

Hey, Dick.
So, yeah, it's been a long day.

So maybe we should just
get some shut-eye

instead of having sex
with our butts.

Oh, our day's
just getting started.

What does that mean?

It's time I tell you the truth

about why we're here
in Atlantis.

We're not here to negotiate.

One of our spy subs
took this picture.

The Atlanteans dug a drain

capable of emptying
all the water around Manhattan.

My God.
The city would be devastated.

Think of the revenue
lost from our ports.

Plus, where would we
throw our garbage?

You know, they really have a
valid point about the garbage.

Mark, we've been over this.

If we don't pollute the water,
how will the fish get sick?

We can't let them
pull that plug.

Tonight I'm breaking
into the king's palace.

I'll make my way to the room

housing the plug's
mainframe computer,

and then I'll upload a virus.

Unfortunately, I'm going to need
the mainframe's security code

which is tattooed
on the king's lower back.

- Oh, weird.
- Yes, it is.

And someone's going to need
to seduce the king

- to get that code.
- No!

Come on.
The king's clearly into you.

That dance you did?
That really turned him on, Mark.

It was a cha-cha.
It's so simple.

I could teach the steps
to anybody.

You're great at dancing!
You should do more of it!

I know!

I'll do it.

Do I look fat in this?

Oh, stop it.
You look great.

I feel like a fat load
in this cat suit.

Damn, that was a stupid fight.

I can just hear Mark nagging us

about talking with words,
not punches.

Oh, yeah.
Real killjoy.

I guess being
Mark's best friend

is kind of like
winning an ugly contest.

Sometimes I wonder why
I even enter those things.

We shouldn't fight.

We should join forces
to avenge Mark's death

at the hands of those

bottom-feeding Atlantean

All: Death to Atlantis!



Remember: All of New York
is counting on you,

so get in there and make that
man fall in love with you.

Make it hot.
Make it sexy.

Let's get sensual.
Let's get erotic.

With a man.

Right now!


To what do we owe the pleasure
of seeing you

right before our
pre-bed yank job?

Ah, I was thinking about
how being a king

must be very stressful.

So I thought I'd offer to help
relieve your tension.

You know,
now that you mention it,

I have been feeling extra stiff

ever since you arrived
in Atlantis.


But, king,
we always yank together.

Yeah, but, I'm sorry,

tonight you're yanking solo,

When you let your guard down,
I'm going to crush your nuts.

May I offer you a sea-gar?

These are primo.

I'll light mine with yours.


This giving you any ideas?
Rubbing the tips together.

That doesn't sound
pleasant at all,

but I'm turned on anyway.

I haven't shaved in awhile,
so my face is rough.

Do you like it rough?

Dude, you know it.

That's what I like to hear.

Hmm, what do we have here?
All right.

Let's see.

Oh, that shouldn't be here.

Huh, I think we can
find a use for it.


I'm not going to let you
torture me sexually

before I give you
a full-body rubdown.

I don't want you
pulling something.

Well, I might want you
pulling one thing.


Oh, don't worry
about the tattoo.

It's just some top secret
mumbo jumbo.

No problem.

I'm just going to focus on these
immaculate glutes.

Ah! Yeah!

Has anyone ever told you
that your fingers

feel like the kisses
of ten tiny newborn babies?

Yes, actually.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Mark, I'm in.

The code is "yankjob 69."

All lowercase.

Mark, hurry back!

I'm ready for you
to massage my front.

Can I leave now?

No, we don't want him
to feel suspicious.

Do whatever it takes
to make him happy.

Remember, you're doing this for
New York's right to pollute.


[Screaming roar]

I don't know what to do.
I'm out pee.

Hey, Kraken.
You hate Atlantis, right?


I say we team up
and attack together.


Hey, big guy.

How would you like to eat
our friend Mark's dead by

as a sign of good faith?

That's a good Kraken.

Who's a good Kraken?
Who's our Kraken?

All right.

Let's gear up and go bust
Atlantis's glass bubble.

Group high five!


Everyone meet
back at the Kraken!

Sorry I was in there so long,
your highness.

My STDs were acting up

'cause they're
big and open and active.


Not a good time, okay?

We were just about to flip
the penetration coin.

Maybe rusty should say.

I'm not going anywhere.

I overheard your
pretty little thing here

talking to his boyfriend, Dick,
through the glory hole.

He gave him the code
to the plug's mainframe.

My God.

Sound the alarm!

[Sirens blare]

This could've been all yours.

Okay, I've seen way too many
penises lately.

Dick here
isn't even a real man.

Come on, his testicles have
"Made in China" stamped on them.

I changed my gender
to go on this mission

because we knew a male body
would be most appealing to you.

Oh, we're plenty
attracted to women.

To survive at these depths,
you need a lot of testosterone.

Women would die.

You have sex
with the people around you,

not the people you may want
or wish to have sex with

at a later time.

So why not leave?
If you're not gay--

Because Atlantis
is a Renaissance city.

We're free to study art,
literature, and science.

We should give that up
just to be "straight"?

Even at these great depths,
you are so shallow.

Your highness,

when I found out my girlfriend
had become a man,

I wanted to break up.

But I know now
it's what's inside that matters,

not the packaging.

I love this woman.

[Crowd sighs]

We're the same, you and me.

I see that now.

Please give us another chance.

We won't let you down.

[Slow clap begins]

[Crowd cheers and claps]

Let us Usher in
a new era of trust

with a traditional
rolling up of our togas

shaking of each other's penises.

Very firm grip, your highness.


[Alarms sound]

It's the Kraken alarm!

[Crowd yells] Battle stations!


Hey, Atlantis.

Before you die, know that it's
the friends of Mark Lilly

who sent you to your grave.

The D.O.I. has teamed up
with the Kraken!

This was all a trap!

Pull the plug!

No, this isn't a plot.

They're just stupid!

[Machinery creaks]


[Ferocious growl]

Mark, you're alive.

And you guys ruined everything.

We were on the verge of peace.

Actually, now that the drain
is clogged with the Kraken,

Atlantis has no leverage.

We can keep dumping garbage

and don't even have to get them
any more pizza.

Excellent work, team.

Let's go home.

- Slap!
- Oh!

That is for breaking my heart.

And that's what's waiting for
you if you ever come back.

That's good to know.

What was that all about?

He kissed me.

You kissed back.

What do you want me to do?
He's the king.

You know, Mark, for
someone who's really resistant

to kissing guys,
you kiss guys a lot now.

I get kissed by a lot of guys.

Just stand there
like a cold fish?

It's rude.

Why don't you go
kiss another guy?

Here, kiss that guy.

Sir, come here.
You want to kiss my boyfriend?

He's old and gross.

Life can be pretty messy.

Not everyone comes out a winner.

Behold! The fallen city of Atlantis,

and give a big New York hello.

To the fearsome Kraken.

So when you find a good thing,

you shouldn't let it go, no matter what.

Thanks for everything, Mark.

I really do appreciate how

far you are willing to go to support me.

I still feel really guilty about
what we did to Atlantis, but,

I'd do anything for you.


I will be happy when you
have that one last surgery.