Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 9 - Frodo's Headshots - full transcript

Upon his return from the "stress clinic," Alan finds out that Jake got his girlfriend pregnant, Walden and Lyndsey are sleeping together, and he has to move out immediately.

Oh, Charlie. I would have given
anything to be like you.

Even for a day.

- I'm Melanie.
- Nice to meet you, Melanie.


Charlie. Charlie Harper.

- Whoa, look who's getting busy.
- Hey.

He's acting like my Uncle Charlie.
He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie.

People are really worried about you.

The reason people are worried... because they can't wrap their heads
around how cool I am. I'm fine.

- What's your name?
- Charlie Harper.

You're not fine.

I've got a great idea.
You and me, Vegas. Ha, ha.

- This doesn't look like the Bellagio.
- It's the, uh, back entrance.

Hello, Mr. Harper.
If you could just come with us.

Uh, don't forget my bags.
We'll be going to the presidential suite?

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice...

...a bottle of scotch
and two Asian hookers.

Yes. Thanks.


Here you go, Mr. Harper.

Now, that you're leaving us... can have
your belt and shoelaces back.

Oh. Thank you.

There was never any possibility
I was gonna hurt myself.

It only takes one whack job...

...hanging from the shower curtain
to ruin it for everybody.

I suppose.

I guess I did lose it
for a little while there.

Lose it?

We had a pool on how long it would take
to get you toilet-trained again.

- Really?
- Cost me 50 bucks.

And a pair of nice white shoes.

Sorry. I tend to leak under pressure.

So you think you're ready
to go back out into the world?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I've learned a lot
about myself in the last month...

...and I now have the tools
to deal with life on life's terms.

A lot of people say that,
but you'd be surprised... another couple of weeks
of treatment...

...can make
all the difference in the world.

You have another pool, don't you?

Nothing personal.
Just trying to get even.

- Sorry I couldn't be more help.
- That's okay.

I've got a hundred says
you'll be back before Christmas.

Thanks for your support.

You really wanna thank me,
stop taking your medication.

Or double up. Either way,
I'll have a happy holiday.

Hope you weren't planning
on leaving...

...before you give
your old buddy Gary a hug.

Of course not.

I love you.

- Thanks for picking me up.
- No problem.

So you're not crazy anymore?

I was never actually crazy.

Then why were you in the nuthouse?

It's not a nuthouse,
it's a stress clinic.

- What's the difference?
- About $2500 a week.

The good news is
that I got a lot out of it.

I mean, I am ready to deal
with whatever life throws at me.

Full speed ahead.

Good. I've got something
I wanna talk to you about.

Dad's here for you, pal.

Cool. So remember Megan?

Yeah, that was your little girlfriend.
Uh, she seems like a great gal.

Well, I'm glad you like her
because she's kind of pregnant.

Kind of?

She's not showing yet.
She's still in her first semester.

Oh, my God.
How did this happen?

I mean, what about our talks about, uh,
sexual responsibility...

...and using protection?

I can explain that.

- Go ahead.
- I was drunk.

Okay. Okay.

I have the tools.

And how do you propose
to take care of this child?

We got that figured out.
We're gonna quit school and get jobs.

Okay, stop right there.

- What jobs?
- Advertising.

We're gonna teach the baby to talk
and put him in E-Trade commercials.

You're joking.

No. We figure the baby they got
is probably getting pretty old.

What does your mother think?

- She doesn't know.
- What?

- I was hoping you'd tell her.
- Why do I have to tell her?

Because she already hates you
and she scares the crap out of me.

Hey, there he is.

Welcome home, buddy.

Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

- Yeah. How you feeling?
- Fine. Why are you whispering?

I don't wanna startle you.

Walden, I'm okay.

Yeah, sure you are.

Hey, Walden, guess what.
I'm gonna be a dad.



How you feel about that, Grandpa?

Well, it's, uh, not something
I would have chosen for him... this stage of his life, but he will
continue to have my love and support.

If it's a boy,
we're gonna name him Frodo.

You're not making it easy for me, pal.

You should have used a condom.

Or you should have.

Hey, look who's back
from the loony bin.

It wasn't a loony bin,
it's a stress clinic.

Did they let you keep your belt?

- Uh, well...
- Loony bin.

- There's your mail.
- Thank you.

Hey, Berta,
I'm gonna be a dad.

- What's funny?
- From where you're standing, nothing.

- Did you tell him your news?
- It'll keep.

- Hey, open your mail.
- Okay. Let's see, uh...

Bill, bill, jury duty. Ha, ha. Bill.

Oh. Oh, here we go.
My refund from the IRS.

- Ooh.
- Phew. Ha, ha.

Just in time
what with all these bills.

Might wanna set some of that aside
for Frodo's headshots.

Huh. It's not a refund at all.

I'm being audited.

- What's so funny?
- From where you're standing, nothing.

I guess you're wondering
why I asked you guys to come over.

We understand, Alan. Mental illness
is nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not mentally ill.
It was a stress clinic.

Did the door lock
from the inside or the outside?

Uh... Uh, well, the... The...

Nevertheless, the reason
I called a family meeting... because, uh, Jake and Megan
have some news.

Oh, my God. She's pregnant.

Well, that was easy.
Who wants cake?

How could you do this?

- She made me.
- What?

Oh, come on. Between the two of us,
who was a virgin?

Okay, okay. What's done is done.

But if we can come together
as a family we can deal with this.

Your father's right. Let's just calm down
and talk it through.

Is it just me, or does Herb
and Judith's kid look a lot like Alan?

Well, you know,
there is a slight resemblance.

- How could you be so irresponsible?
- What the hell is wrong with you?

What were you thinking?

Did we raise you
not to know any better than this?

When are you gonna
tell him your news?

Ah, I don't wanna make things worse.

See, that's the big difference
between you and me.

- Hey.
- Hey. How'd your audit go?

It wasn't so much an audit... a brutal prison rape
with a number two pencil.

I'm confused.
Did you like it or not?

They say I owe them $80,000.

So not.

But the good news is, if they take
everything I own, they'll only get four.

- Four thousand?
- Four dollars.

But I'm not worried.

Because I have the tools to cope
with whatever life throws at me.

No, you don't.


Oh, Lyndsey. Sweetheart,
are you a sight for sore eyes.

Yeah, it's good to see you too.


Alan, you're home.

Hey, Walden,
I think now's the time to tell him.

Tell me what?


What's so funny?

From where I'm standing, everything.

I'm sorry
you had to find out this way.

Really? Really? How would you have
liked me to hear about it?

Twitter? Facebook?
A singing telegram?

Ta-ra-ra boom-dee-ay
I banged your girl today

Because I'm a billionaire
I still have all my hair

I understand you're upset.
You have to see this from our viewpoint.

- What's your viewpoint?
- The sex is awesome.

It really is.
He's the best I've ever had.

- No, you're the best I've ever had.
- You're the best.

- No, you.
- No, you.

Stop it! Stop it!
How did this happen?

It was actually kind of a meet-cute.

Lyndsey came here
to see where you were...

...and I told her where you were,
and then she started to cry...

...and bippity-boppity-boo,
we're having sex.

How do you go from crying to sex?

With him, it was always
the other way around.

Okay, okay,
and what was the cute part?

- Look at him.
- No, look at you.

- No, you.
- Hey! Hey! I'm still here!

How could you do this?

How could you have an affair
while I'm locked up in the booby hatch?

- I thought it was a stress clinic.
- Everybody knows what it was!

I lost my freaking mind!

But luckily, now I'm better... I have the tools to cope
with whatever life throws at me!

That's great,
because there's one more thing.

Oh, super! Let me have it.

- You need to move out.
- What?

Lt'd be creepy if you're downstairs
listening while we're having sex.

- Lyndsey doesn't make any noise.
- I do now.

Fine. Fine. Let me just get my things.

Not necessary. We packed your stuff.

It's all in a storage bin
out by the airport.

But don't worry,
I took care of the first month's rent.

- Here's the key.
- Why, thank you.

You know, I hope someday, we can look
back at this as friends and just laugh.

Someday? Why wait?
Let's laugh now.

Okay, I'll go.

That's it!
I am done being a doormat.

I'll show them.
I will show them all.

They won't have Alan Harper
to kick around anymore.

And they will be sorry.

Apologies will be made,
tears will be wept...

...but it's all gonna be too late...

...because I am out of here.

Sleeping the big sleep,
the old dirt nap.

Adios, muchachos,
it's the last roundup.

God, check, please.


Hi! Hi, Mom, it's me!

I need a place to stay.

Walden kicked me out
and my car blew up...

... and I had to hitchhike over here.

So sorry, Missy Evelyn no home.

Missy Evelyn?

Come on, Mom! What are you doing?
Let me in! I'm soaking wet...

... and I had to give a truck driver
a happy ending just to get here!

Go away! I call police!

What kind of accent
is that supposed to be?

Hello? Police?

Crazy man outside.

- You come quick!
- Fine, fine! I'm leaving!

Thanks a lot!

Lots of luck!


Blindsided by my son...

...reamed by the IRS...

...rejected by my lover...

...betrayed by my friend...

...molested by a truck driver...

...cast out by my mother...

...and rained on by God.

And this isn't
even the worst week of my life.

Oh, come on.

Might as well
make myself comfortable.

Nowhere to go from here.

End of the line.

Rock bottom.

Can a man sink any lower?

Asked and answered.

Pardon me.
Do you happen to have a flashlight?

Uh, what?

The light in my storage unit
isn't working. I need a flashlight.

Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Um...

Hang on. Uh...

- Oh, here you go.
- Thank you.

- My fur coats all feel alike in the dark.
- Lot of things feel alike in the dark.

Oh, you rascal.

- Uh, I'm Alan Harper.
- Veronica Hastings.

- Come here often?
- No, but the night is young.

- Ooh. Innuendo?
- Not usually.

But if you play your cards right...

Listen, Alan Harper, I keep
some nice wines in my storage unit.

- Can I interest you in a glass?
- I would like that very much.

Don't go away.

There is no chance of that happening.

You had a plan all along,
didn't you, God?

- Alan?
- Yes, Lord?

- Over here.
- Oh! Oh, Herb.

- What are you doing here?
- I called Walden.

He told me
this is where I might find you.

Oh, well,
I, uh, appreciate you stopping by...

...but, uh, I'm not really set up
for entertaining yet.

I didn't just stop by.
I have some news for you.

Really? Good news?

I had a DNA test done
on my daughter Millie.


- Turns out she's your daughter.
- Bad news.

- And it's about to get worse.
- Oh, come on.

- Goodbye, Alan.
- Oh, no, Herb, please, please!

I'm about to get laid by Jessica Rabbit!

No, Herb, no!

Oh, thank God
I'm still in the loony bin.

It's a stress clinic.

- Thanks for picking me up.
- No problem.

I'm surprised
Walden let you take his car.

I know, right?
With my driving record?

I'm really glad you're feeling better.
You had me worried.

I'm sorry. Didn't mean to.

- But, uh, everything's fine now.
- Good.

Hey, is it too soon to talk to you
about something important?

You can talk to me about anything.

I have the tools to cope.

- Cool. Remember Megan?
- Oh, God.

Well, we've been going out
for a while now.

All of a sudden,
she wants to see other people...

...but I wanna keep it,
you know, monotonous.

That's it? She's not pregnant?

No, of course not. I've been stuck
at third base for months.

- That's a relief.
- For you, maybe.

I was just wondering
if you had advice...

...on how to keep a woman
from leaving you.

So how was the food in there?

It feels strange to be back here.

To warn you, things are different
than you remember them.

- What do you mean?
- I promised Walden I wouldn't tell you.

- Bye.
- Where you going?

Gonna take Walden's car to Megan's.
See if it helps me slide into home.

- Wear protection!
- I'm wearing it now!


Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

Good, good, I'm glad.

You don't have to talk to me
like a crazy person.

Oh, crazy people don't talk like this.

Regular people talk like this when
they're talking to crazy people.

Fine. Whatever.
I, uh, see you finished redecorating.

Yeah. What do you think?

- Pff, it looks fantastic.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, hey, check this out.

Computer, lights off.

Computer, music on.

That's awesome.

Yeah, it's the home of tomorrow.

Except it's today.

Computer, music off.

Okay, let me try.

Uh, computer, lights on.

Oh, no, that won't work.
It's keyed to my voice.

Oh, then how do I
turn the lights on and off?

You can't.

Hey, let me show you the kitchen.

Boy, sure hope I can flush the toilet.


"Ta-da" indeed.

Oh, hey, check this out. I connected
the refrigerator to the Internet.


Wait for it.

- Is that cool or what?
- And if I want ice?

You just call me
and then I'll call the refrigerator.

Oh. Oh. Check this out.

Computer, television on.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

What is it about a giant TV?

Right? I mean, just looking at it
gives me a chubby.

- Welcome home, buddy.
- Oh, thanks, Walden.

But you and I both know
this is not my home.

- Sure it is.
- No, let me finish.

I had a lot of time
to think while I was away.

At least after I came off the Thorazine.

And I realized that it's one thing
to live off my brother...

...but he's gone...

...and now his stuff's gone too.

I really don't belong here anymore.

- So you're moving out?
- Oh, no, no. God, no.

I mean, look at the size of this thing.

I just want you to know that I'm aware
of the absurdity of our situation.

Bring it in.

Computer, music on.

And I

And let me know if you need ice.

Will always love you

I will always love you