Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 8 - Thank You for the Intercourse - full transcript

As part of his divorce closure and start of a new single dating life, Walden redecorates the beach house. When Charlie's piano is taken away, already jealous Alan also turns melancholic and ends up incarnating his dearly missed brother, getting drunk and picking up girls as Charlie, down to his name and Bermudas. Jake feels insecure, squashed between two fellow losers turning into Charlies.

♪ Men. ♪



We got Maple Loops.

♪ It's got oats and
corns and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest
breakfast treat ♪

♪ It's Maple, maple,
maaaaple-icious! ♪

Not a Maple Loops fan?

Oh. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, threw me.

My, uh, my brother wrote
that jingle.

Get out of here- he
wrote Maple Loops?

Yeah, yeah,
he wrote lots of jingles-

Maple Loops,
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets.

Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?

♪ From the magic
chocolate mountain ♪

♪ There's a secret
chocolate mine ♪

♪ With Granny's Big Fudge
Nuggets and a taste ♪

♪ That's oh so fine. ♪

Wow, that's a good memory.

What else, what else?

Uh, well, there was
Hammerstein Beer.

♪ The girls look prettier
with Hammerstein Beer ♪

♪ You like what you see,
you like what you hear ♪

♪ Grab a cold frosty
mug and pull her near ♪

♪ 'Cause the girls
look prettier ♪

♪ With Hammerstein Beer. ♪

I had no idea your brother
was a freaking genius.

Well, he managed
to live 44 years

screwing everything that moved

without catching
a fatal venereal disease.


I suppose there's a form
of genius in that.

You don't talk
about him very much.

Were you guys close?

Oh, yeah, we were,
we were inseparable.

I mean, why do you think
we lived together for so long?

Well, Berta says it's 'cause
you're a parasitic leech.

Admittedly, that was one
of his pet names for me,

but not true.

H- He loved me
and I loved him.

Oh, oh, you remember
this one? Uh...

♪ Bad stuff grows
in the cracks of your toes ♪

♪ But nobody knows ♪

♪ Like Toezene. ♪

Yeah, he said
I inspired that one.

You miss him, don't you?

Oh, of course I miss him.

I don't miss the smell of vomit
and lubricant in the morning...

but I-I do miss him.

Oh, what about this one?

♪ I'm a pepper, he's a pepper ♪

♪ She's a pepper,
we're a pepper ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like
to be a pepper, too? ♪

Uh, uh, no, Charlie
didn't do that one.

Oh, it's not that
catchy anyway.

# Two and a Half Men 9x08 #
Thank You For The Intercourse
Original Air Date on November 8, 2011

== Encoded, Synced & Corrected by
$H@uN ==

♪ It's got ♪

♪ Oats and corn and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest
breakfast treat ♪

♪ It's... ♪
♪ It's... ♪

♪ Maple, maple,
maaaaple-icious! ♪

Oh, sorry.
You were being sad, weren't you?

A little.

No, I-I can't tell you
how many hours

I watched my brother
playing this piano

or passed out under it.

One time I walked in and he was
having sex on top of it.

You can see
where the young lady's ass print

didn't quite wax out.

Maybe he should have
used a coaster.

New business idea-
ass coasters.

We're here to pick up a piano.

Oh, right, I, I forgot.


Hold on.

So I imagine you're anxious

to get rid of some of these

painful memories.

No, are you kidding me?

I mean, this piano
is practically

all I have left of my brother,

except for, you
know, all the DNA

he left on the couch and...

on the floor and...

on the walls and on the stairs,

but I'm not going to clone him,
so the piano's pretty much it.

Okay, we got a problem then.
How so?

Well, you know
how I'm redecorating the house?

I donated the piano to a music
school for underprivileged kids.


How could you be so selfish?

I'm sorry,
I'll just tell the kids

they have to keep practicing
on a painted slab of wood.

No, no, you're right.

This, this should go to someone

who will benefit from it.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, let me,
uh, let me just get

Charlie's personal stuff
out of here.

Oh, oh, here's some of
his unfinished music.

Uh, panties.

Panties... panties.

Water pipe.

Oh, vibrator.


So we're talking songs,

thongs, bongs, and schlongs.

If he had an autobiography,
that would be the title.

You know, there was a time

when I would have found
these things disgusting.

And now?

There's a certain wistfulness

mixed in with my revulsion.

Ready to go here?

Uh, yeah, come on in.

It's over here.

Thanks, we would've had
trouble finding it.

I changed my mind!

You can't have him!

Okay, okay, Alan, Alan,

what about the kids?

Screw 'em!

We're gonna need another minute.

Oh, Charlie, why?

Why, why, why, why, why?!


White people.

♪ Men. ♪

Hello, Dad?

Right here.

Oh, hey.

Something's different.

Your uncle's piano is gone.

Oh, yeah.

Were we robbed?

Yes, we're the latest victims
of the piano thieves

that have been plaguing
the beach.

Damn, they got my good bong.


Oh, man, that is so wrong.

No, it wasn't a robbery.

Walden's redecorating.


You know, for some reason,

your uncle's death is
really starting to hit me.

I mean, I don't know
if I was in de...

What are you doing?

Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie?

Nice try.

You're not the only one
who misses him, you know.


You never talk about it.

I need a beer to loosen up.

Not gonna happen.

Now, come on, talk to me.

I don't know, Uncle Charlie
just never treated me

like I was some stupid kid.

That's nice.

He treated me
more like a stupid person.

Well, I know he loved you.

Then how come
he didn't leave me anything?

Well, you don't measure love
by things.

I disagree.

Nothing says "I love you"
like a Mercedes CL600.

Hey, the Mercedes was leased.

And is that all your uncle
meant to you- a nice car?

Of course not-
I learned a lot from him.

Like what?

Well, let's see.

If it doesn't fit,
don't force it.

It's always better
to say sorry afterwards

than ask for permission before.

And if it's burning,
bleeding, or oozing,

go to see a doctor ASAP.

Oh, God.

But probably the most
important thing I learned

is that by the time I'm his age,

I want to be married
and have a family.


Yeah, Uncle Charlie
was very lonely, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, he was.

And I don't want to be like him.

Well, good for you.

Of course, I don't want
to be like you either.

Even better.

By the way, do you have a number
for this Dr. Asap?

He's not listed anywhere.


I mean, I don't need him
right now,

but I want to have him
on speed dial, so if I do,

I can get him
as soon as possible.


Yeah, him.

A- S-A-P?

I know how to spell it, Dad,
I'm not an idiot.

♪ Men. ♪

Can I get you
another appletini, Alan?


Uh, no, uh,

make it a bourbon.

Since when
do you drink bourbon?

It's what my brother drank.

Yeah, but your brother
knew how to drink.

Hey, I watched him for years.

You don't think
I picked up a few things?


It certainly wasn't
women or checks.

Ah, there you are.

Oh, how'd you find me?

Well, you're depressed,

and when you're
depressed, you drink,

and when you drink,
you come here.

If you were a fat guy,
I would have gone

to where they serve pies.

Hi there.

What can I get you?

I will have a
ginger ale, please.

One ginger ale,
coming right up.

Uh, I-I'm still waiting
on that bourbon.

I've only got two hands.

Here you go.

Can I get you
anything else-

slice of lime, peanuts,
breakfast in bed?

Thank you, I'm good.

Oh, I'm betting you are.

Don't be clearing
your throat at me.


Thank you.

She's nice.

To you, sure.

You live in a world of nice.

That's because I'm
nice to people,

and they're nice back to me.

No, it's because you're tall,
rich, and good-looking.

And nice.

Oh, please, that had
nothing to do with it.

I mean, take my brother.

He wasn't nice,
but he had money and looks,

so he always got a free pass.

Men wanted to be him, and
women wanted to be with him.

Actually, a few of the men
wanted to be with him, too.

A couple of 'em
actually succeeded,

but that's a story
for another day.

Well, cheers.


Who's your friend?

He's a bloodthirsty psychopath

with a panel van and a
rag soaked in chloroform.

Hi, I'm Alicia.

I'm Walden.

♪ Men. ♪

And then, after he
kills the women,

he peels off their faces

and uses them to make
hand puppets.

Good night, Alan.
Good night, Alan.

Okay, see you in the Dumpster.


I couldn't score a woman like
that if my semen cured cancer.

Aw, Charlie.

I'll bet
you're up there watching

and laughing your ass off.

You left a big hole
down here, buddy.

And a lot of little ones.

I- I never told you this while
you were still alive, but...

I would've given anything
to be like you.

Even for a day.

Hey there, big guy.

Where'd you come from?


Douglas, where are you, boy?

Up here.

Oh... pretty mommy.

There you are, Douglas.

I'm so sorry.
I hope he didn't bother you.

Oh, not at all.
This is my favorite kind of dog.

Oh, you like labs?

No, I like dogs

that fetch me beautiful women.


Is this your house?

Uh, not exactly.

What do you mean?

I mean, after we fall in love

and get married, it'll be ours.

Wow, you don't waste
any time, do you?

Nope. When I see what I want,
I get right to the B.S.

I'm Melanie.

Melanie Laughlin.

Oh. Nice to meet you, Melanie.



Charlie Harper.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

That was fun.

Yeah, it was.

You know, I was a little worried
I wasn't gonna be able

to get used to single life,

but this "casual sex
with no commitment" stuff

is kind of growing on me.

Wait, what?

Thank you for the intercourse.


Well, Mr. Penis is happy.

Time to take care
of Mr. Stomach.

Good morning.


You are an incredible lover,
Charlie Harper.

I believe if a gal's worth
doing, she's worth doing well.

You're terrible.

Yes. I am.


Can your dog hold
a video camera?

♪ Men. ♪

Berta, how do you feel
about casual sex?

I'm all for it.

Just let me finish the dishes

and run a comb through my hair.


What are you doing?

Hair of the dog.


Oh, that one's not dog.

Bye! Call me!


I will!

As soon as I remember your name.

Who was that?

Oh, I just tapped

a little strange last night.

Which one did you tap?

I'll give you a hint.

I didn't do the dog
people style.

It's walking like Zippy, but it
sure ain't talking like Zippy.

Yeah. I don't know him
as well as you do.

Is he prone to having
mental breakdowns?

Prone, no.

Eligible, certainly.

♪ Men. ♪

Whoa, look who's getting busy.


Mr. Harper,
we were just making out.

Yeah, we all know
what happens after making out.

Making in and out.

Listen up, grasshoppers.

You know how they say that
marijuana leads to harder drugs?

Well, the same thing
applies to the human tongue.

It leads to harder organs.

Now, if you are not careful,
you're gonna wake up one morning

with a big-headed
bun in the oven.

No offense, Charlie Brown.

I'm begging you, please leave.

Relax, I'm just
looking out for you.

Here, tell you what.

Take the young lady out
for a nice dinner, on me.

It's a dollar.

You're welcome!

♪ Men. ♪

I think we have a problem.

Your father?


He's acting like
my Uncle Charlie.

I mean, he's even dressing
like my Uncle Charlie.

The only thing left of my dad
is his cheapness.

Well, Jake,
he suffered a big loss.

People deal with that
in different ways.

I mean, I still haven't
processed the grief

over my marriage ending.

I'm... sure someday it'll hit me

that the most important person
in my life is gone.

My soul mate.

My best friend.

My lover.

In the meantime,
you just carry on.

And you to try to fill that void
by having casual drunk sex

with strange, hot women
that don't mind

if you dance around
in their panties.

Is everybody turning into
Uncle Charlie?

♪ Men. ♪

Ah, Cuban in one hand,

scotch in the other.

All I need is
a French chick in my lap

and I'm the
United-freakin'- Nations.

Got a minute?

Uh, pretty busy, but okay.


All right, look...

People are really
worried about you.

Hey, the only reason people
are worried about me is 'cause

they can't wrap their heads
around how cool I am.

Yeah, no, I don't
think that's it.

Look, I know you
miss your brother.

Miss my brother?

That parasitic leech.

Not likely.

Hey, you remember that
shrink that you sent me to?

Maybe you should go see her.

What for? I'm fine.

What's your name?

Charlie Harper.

You're not fine.

Well, I guess we'll have
to agree to disagree.


I'll tell you what, why
don't you get some rest,

maybe lick your finger,
stick it in a light socket,

and we'll revisit
this in the morning.

You got it, big fella.

Who the hell was that?

♪ Men. ♪

♪ It's got oats
and corn and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest
breakfast treat ♪

♪ It's... ♪

♪ Maple, maple,
maaaaple-icious! ♪

Uh, what are you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

It's my shower!

Once again, agree to disagree.

Okay, listen...

Whoa! Nice penis!

You could paint a
face on that thing

and ride in the car pool lane.

Thank you.

Uh-oh, what's going
on down there?

Call the cops;
I've been robbed!

♪ Men. ♪

Great idea.

You and me, Vegas.


I am gonna show you a good time.

They love me in Vegas.

I'm sure they do.

Trust me, the name Charlie
Harper opens a lot of doors.

And a lot of legs.

No kidding.

But be sure to wear a condom.

Not everything stays in Vegas.


Well, here we are.

Really? This doesn't
look like the Bellagio.

It's the, uh, back entrance.

Ah, not the only back entrance
we'll be using this weekend.

Am I right? Up top.

Hello, Mr. Harper.

If you could just come with us.

Uh, don't forget my bags.

We'll be going to
the presidential suite.

Oh, yes, sir.

Slip 'em both a sawbuck.

I'll see you in the room.

Will do.

This way, Mr. Harper.

So who's playing the big room?

Celine? Elton?

I'm gonna want tickets- comped.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Hello, concierge? Yes.

Um, this is Charlie Harper
in the presidential suite.

Uh, I'm gonna need
a bucket of ice,

a bottle of scotch
and two Asian hookers.

You know what, they're small.

Make it three.

Yes, thanks.


== Encoded, Synced & Corrected by
$H@uN ==