Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 4 - Nine Magic Fingers - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:

I don't wanna get a divorce.
Why we gotta get a divorce?

Because I've grown up and you
are still the same guy you were at 19.

That is not true.
I got a lot more money now.

Not about what you have,
it's about who you are.

Huh.

Well, I'm pretty much the same guy.

Great news, Alan. Berta has agreed
to be my live-in housekeeper.

Yeah, he talked me into it.

BERTA:
I wonder what his sweat tastes like.

Time for me to go.



Wait. Come here.

Give us a hug goodbye.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

I'm taking your room, Zippy.

You saved my butt back there.

I owe you. If there's anything you need,
any way I can help you....

Well, really uncomfortable
living at my mom's.

You think I could stay for a few days
till I find my own place?

No problem.

I'm back.

Hello, room.

Did you miss me?

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

-What are you doing here?
-I live here. What are you doing here?



-See, Berta has got my room now, so--
-No.

-Yes. It's just temporary.
-No.

I'm not sleeping with my dad.

What, sleep on the same bed?

-No, I'll get air mattress.
-That you'll sleep on.

-No, no.
-Yes. Yes!

[AIR MATTRESS HISSING]

-Good morning.
-Morning.

-Where have you been?
-Power walk on the beach.

Gotta tell you, Zip.
I can see why your brother...

...couldn't get you out of this house
with the jaws of life.

Malibu is the greatest place to wake up
in the morning.

I'm glad you're enjoying my room.

Alan, I say this with love.

It was never your room.

Good morning.
Oh, did I miss our power walk?

I tried to cuddle you awake,
but you weren't interested.

So, Alan,
how's the house hunting coming?

Oh, still looking. Not a lot available.

Maybe that's because you're looking
in the sports section.

Well, don't worry. You can stay here
as long as you need to.

[BERTA GROANS]

Just a few more days.
Maybe a week, tops.

[BERTA GROANS]

Hey. Listen, Walden. While I am here,
I was wondering how you'd feel...

...about me having an overnight guest.

[GROANS]

I thought
you were the overnight guest.

[LAUGHING]

Your wit is only exceeded
by your generosity.

Um, I'm having dinner with this woman
I used to be in a relationship with.

I don't know
how things are gonna play out.

But if they go well,
I'd like to bring her here...

...and, you know, reconcile.

Is she homeless too?

Oh, no, no,
it's just that she has a teenage son...

...and I'm not really keen
on him hearing us, you know...

... reconcile.

But it's okay for me to hear you.

Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet.

And quick.

It's true.
That's why she calls me Zippy.

I guess it's okay.

I sure wish
I could reconcile with Bridget.

Oh.

Give her some time.
It took Lyndsey months to forgive me.

-What did she have to forgive you for?
-Oh, heh.

I called her a slut...

...because I thought she was
sleeping with my brother...

...and I accidentally burned down
her house.

Well, not in that order. Ha, ha, ha.

Anyway, thanks so much.

He is gonna move out at some point,
right?

You are so cute. Heh, heh.

[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN"
THEME]

-So sorry to hear about your brother.
-Yeah, yeah, very sad.

He fell in front of a train?

Uh, fell, pushed, jumped.

Whatever the verb,
the end result was Charlie tartare.

-That's horrible.
-Yeah.

And we had to sell the house
in Malibu.

-So where are you living?
-The house in Malibu.

-Wait, what?
-Oh, it's actually a funny story.

The fella who bought it
is this rich Internet guy...

...going through a bad divorce.
He's lonely, needs a friend...

...so he asked me
to stick around for a while.

-What's the funny part?
-He thinks I'm gonna leave someday.

So how's things? How's Eldridge?

Let's not ruin the evening by
talking about our children.

Agreed. Heh, heh, heh.

I have missed you.

I've missed you too.

Can you ever forgive me
for being an idiot?

Let's not ruin the evening
talking about what an idiot you are.

Good idea.

You know, I haven't slept with anybody
since we broke up.

How about you?

You know what?
Let's not ruin the evening by talking.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I got it.

Hello, little girl.

-Hi, big daddy. You got everything?
-Hell, yeah.

Beer, a bucket of drumsticks
and nine magic fingers.

BERTA:
Well, let's go. Heh, heh.

Uh, Berta?

-What's going on?
-What's it look like?

I'm gonna get drunk, eat some chicken
and rock this old man's world.

[ELMER LAUGHS]

I've got 10 fingers
and a billion dollars...

...and this guy's getting more action
than me.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING
ON COMPUTER]

What now, Walden?

Nothing. I just wanna say hi.

Sweetheart, listen.
We're getting divorced.

You need to get some friends.
Get a life.

I don't want friends, I don't want a life,
I just want you.

What are you doing anyway?
Why are those people wearing masks?

I'm at a charity event
for people without faces.

Are you at an orgy?

Orgy? Don't be ridiculous.
What kind of charity has an orgy?

Bye.

BERTA: You know, a real gentleman would've
taken his poop before he came over.

[ALAN & LYNDSEY CHUCKLING
AND MOANING]

Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't know you're still up.

You must be Walden. I'm Lyndsey.

Oh, hi.

Okay, everybody's met.
Time to hit the old sackaroo.

Don't be rude, Alan.

So I understand
you're going through a tough divorce.

It's tough for me. She's breezing
through it with naked, faceless people.

You tried to work things out?

-Go to therapy?
-I offered. She's not interested.

Well, that's all you can do,
make the offer. Lyndsey?

Hang on.

So, what, you're just sitting around,
feeling sorry for yourself?

No. Sometimes I lay down,
sometimes I curl up in a ball.

See? He's fine.

Listen to me.

We just met, we don't know each other,
but you have a lot going for you.

You're tall, good-looking,
very successful.

Believe me,
women settle for a lot less.

And thank God for that. Heh.

You need to get out
and find somebody...

...who appreciates
all you have to offer.

I don't want anybody else.

That's because you haven't found
that special someone.

Believe me, somewhere out there
is a perfect girl for you.

Who knows? She could be sitting
right in front of you.

-Gee, I'd like to believe that.
-So would l.

You know, you know, Lyndsey's right.
You need to go out and find Ms. Right.

I mean, in fact,
you should get started immediately.

Now?
But I was just gonna curl up in a ball.

Oh, come on, there's a great big
wide world out there...

...full of beautiful, exciting,
sexy people.

Where am I gonna find them? A bar?
I am not going to a bar.

Hey, if you're looking for honey,
you gotta go where the bees are. Bzzz!

Well, forget it. I am not going to a bar.

Hey, slick.

Where do you keep the plunger?

I am going to a bar.

[LYNDSEY SIGHS]

Whoa.

Hi-ho, Silver. Heh, heh.

-I didn't hurt you, did l?
-A little. But I only need the one ball.

Boy, you really seemed
like a different woman.

Well, you seemed like a different man.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

WALDEN: Hey, Alan.
-Speak of the devil.

Am I interrupting?

No. Come in.

I just wanted to tell you
that I found her.

-Found who?
-Ms. Right.

Really?

At a bar at 12:30
on a Wednesday night?

Is she on a leash?

Woof.

[WALDEN & COURTNEY
GRUNTING AND MOANING]

Isn't that the girl
who almost married your brother?

Yup.

Didn't she go to jail
for being some kind of con artist?

Yup.

Doesn't it strike you as an amazing
coincidence that she ran into Walden?

Nope.

Warn him before he gets in too deep.

WALDEN:
Hot diggity, that feels good.

Sounds like he's already in too deep.

Who's my hungry boy?

Me.

Who's my naughty boy?

Me.

Who's gonna get their bottom spanked
after breakfast?

-You.
-Ah!

-You are so smart.
-Heh. Heh, heh.

Open.

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

No. Wait, Alan, come back.
We're just having breakfast.

Scrambled eggs and tongue. Nice.

Alan, I wanna thank you.
If you hadn't made me go out...

-...I would've never met Courtney.
-Welcome.

I have a feeling, one way or another,
she would've found you.

Wait.
Hey, you know what would be fun?

Whatever it is, I'll do it.

You are something else.

No, Walden. What would be fun?

Oh, right.

Why don't you and Lyndsey and me
and Courtney go out for dinner?

-I'd have to check with Lyndsey.
-Come on, man.

-A big, fancy dinner?
-Sort of short notice.

-My treat.
-We'll be there.

Do you wanna watch me and Walden
having sex?

No, not particularly.

Then you better get out quick.

WALDEN:
Hot diggity, that feels good.

I can't believe she's using
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Hello? Dad.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Courtney.

-Jake. Oh, it's so good to see you.
-You too.

-Oh, you've grown.
-No, it's just my cell phone.

-Jake, what are you doing here?
-I just, uh...

...came by to....

What?

Look,
could you give us some privacy?

Yeah, sure.
Can I have a goodbye hug?

Jake, go.

Way to block me, Dad.

So, Courtney.

So, Alan.

-Where's Walden?
-He's upstairs taking a nap.

-Recharge the batteries?
-The batteries are fine.

It's the flashlight that needs a rest.

What can I do for you?

I want you to leave Walden alone.

-He's not ready for someone like you.
-Someone like me?

Whatever do you mean?

Someone who's creating a lifestyle from
finding wealthy men, sponging off them.

Gee, Alan, that sounds a lot like you.

Whatever do you mean?

Living off your brother,
sleeping on his couch.

Oh, leave it to you to spin it
so I look bad.

See you at dinner, Alan.

Oh, I will see you at dinner,
all right, young lady--

Ow. Gristle.

Oh, here, honey,
let me cut that fat away for you.

Thank you.

ALAN:
Hm.

Bit of a fatty piece here myself.

Yeah. So?

-Oh, you got a little schmutz.
-Oh. Thank you.

So looks like you two guys
hit it off pretty quick.

What's the point of going slow?
When it's right, it's right.

-And it is right, right?
-Right.

-Finished my beans. Can I have dessert?
-I am dessert.

Thank you.

-Hey, you know what would be cool?
-Hm? What?

Move in with me.

[FORK CLATTERS]

Whoa. Heh, heh.
Slow down, Walden.

Yeah. Slow down, Walden.
You just met her last night.

Yeah,
but I wanna be with her all the time.

Oh, baby, that is so sweet.

But is there even room for me?

I mean, what about Alan?

Yeah, what about Alan?

Well, he's moving out, right?

Right.

I'm not really the kind of girl who
just moves in with a guy after one night.

-Please.
-Okay.

All right. Heh, heh.

I guess
I need to find a new place to live.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

-Morning, Alan.
-Morning.

-Where's your girlfriend?
-She couldn't sleep, so she went home.

-What's the problem?
-I think it was hearing the third:

[IMITATING WALDEN]
"Hot diggity, that feels good."

Oh, yeah, number three
was a well-timed ice cube.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You think you've beaten me, don't you?

Alan, it was never a contest.

Of the two of us,
only I can bring the diggity.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Don't be so sure of yourself.

I may have a final card to play.

Well, unless that card is a vagina,
I'm not particularly worried.

ALAN: Oh, thanks for coming, Bridget.
-You said Walden was in trouble.

Hi, I'm the trouble Walden's been in.
Repeatedly.

Uh, Courtney,
this is Walden's wife, Bridget.

Bridget, this is the "lady"
I was telling you about.

WALDEN:
Bridget.

What are you doing here?

Well, Alan called and told me
that you were doing something stupid.

And I just met her.

She's just sorry she threw you out.
But it's too late now. Isn't it, baby?

Really?
You're sorry you threw me out?

Who cares? Come upstairs.

Walden, just because
I can't live with you anymore...

...doesn't mean I want you to be taken
to the cleaners by Botox Barbie here.

Don't listen to her. Come upstairs.

Walden, if you go with her,
I will never talk to you again.

Why don't both you broads
hold out a treat and whistle...

...and we'll see which one he goes to.

[COURTNEY SIGHS]

Boy, this is a toughie. I--

I really...

...love having a life with you...

...sharing my hopes and dreams.

But I also...

... really love burying my head
in your breasts and going:

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Honey, it's not about the sex,
it's not about your money.

I wanna be with you.

I wanna take care of you.

Oh, that's a good answer.

Bridget?

We have a winner.

Courtney, do you think that
your deep feelings for my husband...

...can, in any way, be affected
by a cashier's check for $50,000?

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Fifty thousand dollars?

You actually think
that you can buy me off?

Your real name's Sylvia Ficshman
and you're wanted...

...for fraud, forgery
and money laundering.

Well, Walden, it was fun.

Darn.

I was really looking forward
to more diggity.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] If Bridget will write me
a check like that, I'll diggity your brains out.

I'll diggity you for free.

How you doing?

Let this be a warning to you, Alan.

There are women out there that will be
nice to you just to get to your money.

Thanks. But that's not very high
on my list of concerns.

I just feel so stupid.

Oh, hey, don't sell yourself short.
I'm sure she was also attracted...

...to your chiseled good looks, youthful
stamina, and freakishly large penis.

Thanks. That makes me feel better.

I'm glad. Because it makes me feel
like hanging myself.

So how'd you leave things
with Bridget?

It's pretty much the same place.

-She still wants a divorce.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

But she still cares about you.

A lot of people would have used
the money she gave Courtney for...

...I don't know, medical insurance,
a new car...

... maybe a college prep tutor
for their idiot son.

Well, you can have all those things,
Alan.

-I can?
-Sure. You just have to make more money.

Right.

Duh.

-Hey, thanks for calling Bridget.
-Oh, no problem.

-You really had my back.
-That's what friends do.

I want you to know you have
a home here as long as you want.

Really?

Because I am looking for a place.

No, I want you to stay.

I like having somebody I can trust.

Well, if it's what you want.

BERTA:
Oh, son of a bitch.

I knew you'd find a way
to weasel your way back in.

I'm out of here.

-You're not quitting, are you?
-No, I'm moving back home.

I'll see you Monday.

Well, looks like I get
to take my old room back, huh?

Whatever you want, buddy. Just make
sure the nine-fingered man is gone.

How about that?

For once, things actually work out well
for old Alan.

[LAUGHS THEN COUGHS]

[COUGHING AND GASPING]

[IN HOARSE VOICE]
Help, help.

91 1.

[English - US - SDH]