Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 3 - Big Girls Don't Throw Food - full transcript

Alan finally gets a standing invitation to love with Walden as reward for advice on how to handle a dinner with Bridget. Judith drops off Jake without even phoning in advance. Walden however has no problem with a knavish extra guest, who seizes Alan's guest-room bed. Jake looks up to the handsome billionaire, but misunderstands Walden having skipped high-school, where he was bored, to MIT for leaving school. To Alan's horror, Jake assumes his bad results also stem from excessive IQ. Bridget's belittling attitude at dinner makes painfully clear Walden's marriage is beyond salvation.

Previously on...
Two and a Half Men...

Great news, Alan.

Berta has agreed to be

my live-in housekeeper.

Yeah, he talked me into it.

I wonder what his sweat
tastes like.

Time for me to go.

Come here.

Give us a hug goodbye.

I'm taking your room, Zippy.

You saved my
butt back there.

I owe you big-time.

If there's anything
that you need,

any way I can help you...

Well, really uncomfortable
living at my mom's.

Um, do you think I could
stay here for a few days

while I find my own place?

Yeah, no problem.

I'm back.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ When Alan comes marching
home again, hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ We'll give him a hearty
welcome then, hurrah, hurrah. ♪

Hello, room.

Do you miss me?


What the hell are
you doing here?

I live here.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Walden said I could stay
for a couple of days.

You don't stay
anywhere for a couple of days.

Besides, this is my room now.

It was my room first.


Why don't you just
take Jake's room?

Why don't I just rip your arm
off and slap you silly with it?

Oh, hey.

What's going on?

Did you tell him
he could stay here?

Yeah, just for
a couple days.

Okay, I've got to explain
something to you.

This guy is like genital herpes.

Once you got 'em,

you got 'em for life.

Now, th-that's not very fair.

How long did you tell
your brother you'd be here?

You know what, I'll just
move over to Jake's room.

Good idea, go to Jake's room.

Wait, why are we calling it
Jake's room?

Herpes has a kid.

Herpes Junior?

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly
men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Hey. What you doing?

I'm building
a neural metric backend

for a social media aggregator.

If I nail it,
I can revolutionize

the entire
online entertainment sector.

Ooh. Neural metrics.


You know, I buy
all my underwear online.

Add to cart.

Oh, no, no, no. Let
me get that, boss.

"Add to cart."

That's adorable.

What are you
guys doing here?

It's your weekend
to have custody of this.


Uh, Judith, I told
you I'm a guest here.

I can't just bring my
kid over without asking.

So ask. Bye.

Uh, Judith, Judith.

Wait, Judith!

She left the car running, Dad.

All right, all right.

Uh, all right,
don't move.

Don't-Don't come
in the house.

Just stand
right here.

But I really
have to...

Okay, how am I gonna play this?


Hey, Walden...

Good news. I just got
an e-mail from Bridget,

we're going out
to dinner tonight.

Oh, dating the ex.

Always good news.

Uh, hey, speaking of broken
families and good news, uh,

do you remember
my son Jake?

Uh, yeah.

Nice kid with the big head?


Yeah, I like him.

Uh, and he
liked you, too.

Uh, so much so that he decided
to drop by and say hi.

Where is he?

Oh, he's waiting outside.

I told him you can't just

come over
to someone's house unannounced.

Why not?
I do it all the time.

Yeah, but you're a
handsome billionaire.

People are always
happy to see you.

I also told him there was
no way he could sleep over.

Why not?

You wouldn't mind?

Why would I mind?


No reason.

He's a great kid.

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, you need to keep in mind
that it's not like the old days.

I am a guest here.

You mean like the old days
when you were a guest here?

I was not a guest.

Right, 'cause guests
eventually leave.

Charlie was my brother;
he loved having me here.

Wow. Denial isn't just
a river in South America.


What about it?

Never mind.

Just-Just behave yourself
while you're here.

Fine. Can I have
some privacy now?

Oh, well, that actually
leads me to another thing.

Um, see, Berta's got
my room now, so...



It's just temporary.

I'm not sleeping with my dad!

When you go to college,
you'll have a roommate.

Yeah, but it won't be you.

Come on, it'll be just like
that time we went camping.

I was ten and it was
the worst weekend of my life.

Hey, I didn't enjoy it either,

but it's a father-son memory
we'll share forever!

What are we gonna do,
sleep on the same bed?

No, I'll get the air
mattress out of the garage.

That you'll sleep on.

No! No!
Yes! Yes!

All right, all right!
Forget about it.

Look, okay, I will
pack up our stuff

and we will go back
to Grandma's.




Don't come crying to me when
she starts driving you crazy.

I won't.

And remember, at Grandma's,

you got to pee sitting down
so there's no splatter.

I'll manage,
and that's how you pee anyway.

I'm not bluffing, Jake.

I believe you.

All right, I'll sleep
on the stupid air mattress!


Three more seconds
and I would've folded.


♪ Men. ♪

So, where do you want to go
to dinner tonight?

What do you mean?

You always pick the restaurant.

Well, who says the man's
supposed to pick the restaurant?

Well, that's a stupid rule.

Okay, yeah,
I'll-I'll pick a restaurant.

Okay, bye.

Hey, Jake, do you know
a romantic restaurant

I can take a girl to dinner?

How about Souplantation?

Is it good?

Are you kidding?

All-you-can-eat salad,
soup, pasta.

I am in.



That's my sandwich.

It's delicious.

So what's your deal?


What's your deal?

I'm 17. I don't think
I have a deal yet.

Ah, come on.

Everybody's got a deal.

Your deal is you got no deal.


I'm a man without a deal.

What are you, like, a high
school senior or something?

Well, I should be,
but they got this dumb rule

that you have to pass
every single course.

I think five out of seven
is plenty, don't you?

Heck yeah.

In eighth grade,
I flunked all my courses.



My mom had me evaluated.

Turns out, I was just bored

'cause I was too smart
for all the classes.

Huh. Maybe that's my problem.

I'm too freakin' smart.


I'm sorry.

I just think we need
to establish some boundaries.

Hey, don't make hitting
your deal.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Dad?

Hang on.

Didn't you used to have
a bicycle pump?

Yeah, and I also
used to have my own room.

What do you
want, Jake?

Okay, so you know how
you're worried that 'cause I get

bad grades in high school
that I'm not gonna be able

to get into college and then
find a job to support myself?

That pretty much
sums it up, yeah.

Well, it turns out, I get
bad grades 'cause I'm too smart.

Too smart?


So I'm gonna forget college,

drop out of high school
and start my own business.

Hold on, hold on.

You're too smart?

Yep. Walden and me
have that in common.

Walden and I
have that in common.

No offense, Dad, but I don't
think you're that smart.

So, you're saying you want
to drop out of high school?

Why not?

Did you know that Walden made

his first million
before he was 19?

How many zeros
in a million, Jake?



Okay, okay, Jake,
listen carefully.

You are not
dropping out of high school.


No, you're not a genius,

you're not a prodigy.


My own father
doesn't think I'm special.


On the contrary.

Your father thinks
you're very special.

Of course, I'm the dummy
sleeping on the floor.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Come in.

Got a minute?


Hey, I'm getting dressed
for my dinner with Bridget.

How do I look?

Your face should be
on gay money.

Listen, um...

You say something to my son
about quitting high school

and starting a business?

Oh, yeah, I told him
that's what I did.

Hey, what do you think
about a hat?

The only reason
to wear a hat on date

is if you're hiding a bald spot.


For your next date.

Thank you.

So you really quit high school?

Mmm, no.

I skipped high school.

I quit MIT.

Oh, okay. See, there's
the misunderstanding.

Jake has a hard time
spelling MIT.

Oh. Well, then, he really
shouldn't quit school.

Hey, check it out.

My socks match my sneakers.

But your sneakers
don't match each other.


Bridget used to pick out
all my outfits.

I can see why you miss her.

Well, uh, thank you for
clearing the Jake stuff up.

Yeah, no problem.

Uh, and, uh, going forward,

keep in mind that kids like him
are looking for role models,

so you have to be careful
around them.

Yeah, sure.
Although, truth to tell,

unless he sees you passed out
in a pool of vomit

with a tattooed prostitute,
you're going to be

an improvement
in the role model department.

Hey, Alan?

You got a lot of experience
with women, right?

A lot?
I don't know.

You know, I've, uh, been
around the block a few times.

Did a little dance,
made a little love,

got down tonight
on several occasions.

Um, why do you ask?

What can I do to convince
Bridget to take me back?


Walden, Walden,
Walden, Walden.

Come sit.

Really? I got to sit?

A woman's heart is a deep
and mysterious place,

almost impossible
to reach.

Much like the G-spot.

Although at least we know
the heart, in fact, exists.

Okay, is that it?
Can I stand up now?

Oh, no. H-hang on.
Hang on.

When that heart closes
itself to a man--

and in my experience,
it inevitably does--

the only way to reopen it
is to allow time to pass.

That way, the
woman can reflect

on how much she
misses her man.

And that's worked
for you?

Oh, yeah.

There are quite a
few ladies out there

currently reflecting on how
much they miss Alan Harper.

Good luck.

Should've asked the kid.

♪ Men. ♪


You don't like it.

No, no, I blame myself.

I trusted you to make
a simple dinner reservation.

Uh, don't blame me;
blame Jake.

Who's Jake?

He's some kid without a deal.

Besides, does it matter
where we eat

as long as we're
with each other?

I got to pee!

Okay, bon appétit.

I got to pee!

Don't you move.


She's cute.

You know, it's not too late.

We could still have a kid.

We already do.

I'm looking at him.

Oh, come on.
That's not fair.

Ah, hot soup!

Hot soup.

Thank you.
Look, Walden,

I agreed to have dinner with you

because I care about you,
but I just...

Are we going to have sex later?

Let me finish.

But no.


The thing is,
even though I care about you,

this marriage is over.

I don't want to get
a divorce.

Why do we got to get a divorce?

Because I have grown up

and you are still the same guy
you were at 19.

No, that is not true.

I got a lot more money now.

Money isn't the point.

I got lawyers,
I got accountants,

I got my own
charitable foundation.

It's not about what you have;
it's about who you are.


Well, I'm pretty much
the same guy.

What I want, what I need,
is a partner in life.

A grown-up, mature,
responsible adult.

What, and you don't think
that's me?

No, I don't.

And you don't think
I can change?

No, I don't.
But what if I can?

But you can't.
Can, too.

Just eat your dinner.


This blows.

I know, but it's something

we're both just going
to have to accept.

How's your beach house?

It's okay.

But I miss you.

I miss you, too, sometimes.


Walden, we were together
for 15 years.

Those feelings
don't just go away.

Hey, be cool.

So, uh, you really still have
feelings for me?

Of course I do.


Big girls don't throw food.

Trust me, I can change.

I really can.

All right, that's it.
Eat lettuce!

What? She started it.

Whoa! No pasta.

I call no pasta.

Oh, it is on!

Oh, yeah.

And she got some...
Here it comes.

Here it comes.
Here it comes.

♪ Men. ♪

Berta, can you
get the door?

I'm off the clock, Zippy.

What clock?
You're a live-in.

And I'm livin'.

You know you took
the wrong brother, right?

Judith, what are
you doing here?

Why did you tell Jake
he could quit school?

I didn't.

Well, then, where
did he get the idea?

Walden. He told him
about how when he quit

he made hundreds of
millions of dollars,

and now Jake thinks
he can do it, too.

And I thought your brother

was a horrible influence.

Don't speak ill
of the dead.

But you're right-- he was
a terrible human being.

Hey, who's at
the... Whoops!

You come back
here, young man!

He's not coming back, is he?

I wouldn't.


Walden, I want a word with you.

Walden, you remember
Judith. Bye.

You're Alan's ex, right?

Yes, and Jake's mother.

And you and I need
to discuss how...

I just had dinner
with my ex.

Well, that's very
nice. Anyway...

She's not my ex yet,
but she's going to be.

I'm sorry.

She hates me,
but I'm still in love with her.

Well, I'm sure you'll find
somebody else.

Since we were teenagers,
she's been the only one.

You were high school


That is so romantic.

And I blew it again tonight.

Oh. Hey, come on now.

It... it'll be okay.

No, it'll never be okay.

She's my soul mate.

Oh, you poor,
sweet man.

Who smells like ranch dressing
and fettuccine alfredo.

Have you ever loved
anyone like that?


Don't, 'cause it
hurts too much.

Oh, I wish there was
something I could do.

Like what?

Oh, yeah,
I'm so quitting high school.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

For the last time, Jake,

you're not dropping out
of high school.

What if I can convince Mom
to let me?


If your mother says it's okay,
you can have my blessing.


And while I'm at it,
I'll buy you a car.

Oh, no, no, a space ship.

Car's fine.

Good night, Jake.

Good night, Dad.

that was the air mattress.


That was me.

Holy moly.

What got into
you tonight?

You know,
besides moi.

Shh. Don't talk.


How would you feel
about growing a beard?

Wouldn't that
scratch your face?