Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 16 - Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy - full transcript

Walden and Alan can't prevent their girlfriends starting a bitching war after commoner Lyndsey's vicious reaction to a snob remark from socialite Oxford graduate Zoey. A mudslide during a rainstorm locks them in the beach-house on Valentine's Day. Walden does well to appease Zoey in bed, but Alan's verbal bungling enrages Lundsey further, leading to a fake orgasm shouting contest. The boys flee on an errant despite the torrent just to avoid the war-zone. Ironically while they nearly drown, the girls sanctimoniously make up.

Oh, God.

That feels so good.


Where did you learn to do that?
Chiropractic school?

Long before that. When I was a kid,
I had to do this for my mom.

- Had to?
- If I wanted dessert.

- Oh, you poor baby.
- Hmm.

When you're done with my other foot,
I'll give you a little dessert.

Thank you, Mommy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, hey, how was the opera?

Magnificent. Il Trovatore.
Walden cried.

- Aw.
- Aw. Heh-heh.

A guy in a leotard and a skirt...

...realized he chopped
his brother's head off.

That's heartbreaking.

I keep trying to take Lyndsey
to the opera, but she won't go.

Sorry, just not a fan of fat people...

...singing in a foreign language
for two and a half hours.

Well, opera's not for everyone.

To appreciate it requires a refined taste
and a certain amount of education.


- You did not just say that.
- Say what?

I am refined and I happen to have
an Associate of Arts degree...

...from Santa Monica
Community College.

I'm sorry.
I wasn't trying to be pejorative.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Uh, pejorative is having a derogatory...
- I know what the word means.

Sorry, sorry.

What's community college?
Is it like a trade school?

Let's leave it alone. We've already
seen one beheading tonight.

Where did you go to college?


Only for two years.

Oh, did you flunk out?

No, I transferred to Harvard.

Harvard. Heh. The Santa Monica
Community College of the East. Ha-ha.

- What do you say we get ready for bed?
- Yeah, good idea.

I also took a semester off
to study opera in Florence.

That's in Italy.

Wow. Heh-heh-heh.

That is one talented lady.

And by talented, I mean annoying,
and by lady, I mean bitch.

"Fat people
singing in a foreign language."

- Can you believe her?
- No, it's unbelievable.

She'd be more appreciative of fat people
singing in her native language.

No to Pavarotti, yes to Cee Lo Green.

Mm, mm.

Forget you. Forget her.

Then she has the nerve
to insult me...

...because I have sophistication
and good taste.

Mm, you do taste good.

I know what she thinks. She thinks
I'm snobbish and condescending.

- Mm, but you're not.
- No, I'm not.

It's a shame, really.
So much I could teach the poor girl.

- Well, it's her loss.
- God knows what Alan sees in her.

Yeah, he could totally do better.

No, he couldn't. He's a complete loser.
What are you talking about?

Um, you said... Never mind.

"Refined taste."
I'd like to punch her refined face in.

And you could. You hit hard.

She was born with all the advantages.
She thinks she's better than everyone else.

- Like her poop doesn't stink.
- Your poop stinks, honey.

Thank you.

Especially after Indian food.

That is a real working-class
stank right there.

Boy, I am so turned on right now.

What could Walden possibly see
in that stuck-up English muffin?

Maybe it's her nooks and crannies.


You know, English muffin,
nooks and crannies for the butter.

Or margarine, as the case may be.

Are you saying you like her body?

No, no. No, it's your body that I love.
You've got the stinky poop.

Be honest with me. Have I not been
entirely civil and charming to her?

You have.

Then why does she give me
that attitude?

Who know...? She's crazy.

Well, I wouldn't call her crazy.
She's certainly unpleasant.

That's what I meant. Unpleasant.

Are you humoring me
so I'll have sex with you?

No. I took you to the opera
so you would have sex with me.

- You're terrible.
- I'm trying...

...but there's a lot of damn bows here.

- Alan?
- Yeah?

- I'm sorry I ruined our night.
- That's okay.

No, it's not.

Let me make it up to you.


- I get dessert?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, Walden. Oh, my God.

- Oh...
- I don't believe it.

- Do you know what she's doing?
- I think I have a general idea.

She wants me to hear that.
She's rubbing my nose in it.

Sounds more like
she's rubbing his nose in it.

- Two can play at that game.
- Oh. Oh!

- Oh. Oh. Oh!
- Oh, my God.

- What are you doing?
- Making love to you.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh. Oh.

- Want me to help?
- No, I got this.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Oh!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, Alan!
- Oh, Walden!

Happy Valentine's Day, darling.

You too, sweetheart.

Sounded like you and Zoey were getting
an early start on your celebrating last night.

Oh, yeah.

You and Lyndsey were making
a bit of a racket yourselves.

Oh, you heard that? Heh.

- It was kind of hard not to.
- Hmm.

Well, you know how it is, uh,
you and I are like the mailmen. Heh.

Rain or shine,
we gotta deliver the old package.

Handle with care.

Express delivery. Heh.

No, wait, let me think of another one.

- This side up?
- Oh. That's good. That's good.


Who am I kidding?
Last night was a complete sham.

- What do you mean?
- Zoey was trying to prove...

...some kind of point to Lyndsey.

So all that noise was, uh...?

I had nothing to do with it.


Well, since we're being honest,
I should probably tell you...

...I had what was probably
the best sex of my life last night.

- Good morning.
- Huh?

Oh, morning.

- Sleep well?
- Terrific.

I was afraid we might have
kept you awake.

Really? I was worried
we might have kept you awake.

No, no, I slept like a baby.

Hope you didn't wet the bed.

They're laughing. That's good, right?

Not that laugh.

That's the bad laugh.

Shame it has to be raining
on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, well, fortunately,
the sun is shining in Cabo San Lucas.

Thanks for the weather report.
Now here's Alan with the sports.

That's where Walden and I
are flying for dinner tonight.

Really? Good luck with LAX.
The place is gonna be a madhouse.

That may well be.
Luckily, Walden's got his private jet, so...

Of course he does.

Or they could fly down
on her private broom.

What are you doing to celebrate?

Oh, don't worry about us,
we have big plans.

Ooh. Another festive foot rub?

Bad laugh?

As a matter of fact, we're gonna spend
the night at a little bed-and-breakfast...

...where we're gonna drink wine,
read poetry and have hot, kinky sex.

- Right, Alan?
- Oh, yeah, sure. Uh...

The, uh... The holy trinity of Valentine's Day,
sips, sonnets and sodomy.

That's interesting.

I can see you as a drunken sodomite.
I never imagined you liking poetry.

Oh, no, no, I really do.
Here's a poem you might appreciate:

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I'm a nice person
And you can bite my pale, unrefined ass

- A lady doesn't bite.
- Hmm.

She will, however, be happy
to make you wear that ass as a bonnet.

What the hell?

Oh, my Lord.

Where's the road?

Probably inside that giant sinkhole.

Well, it looks like nobody's
going anywhere today.

- Smashing.
- Swell.

- Sodomy?
- Sodomish.

They say the road might be closed
for another 48 hours.

And that's if the rain lets up.

Better call my ex-husband,
let him know I won't be picking up Ava.

Better call my son,
tell him I'll be home early.


If he knows I could be gone
for two days...

...I may not have a house
when I get back.

Nice to have a relationship
with your child built on trust.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying I never lie
to my daughter.

- Really. And how old is she?
- She's 6.

Aw. They're so precious at that age.

- They are.
- Call me in a few years...

...when she's pierced and pregnant
with a pocket full of 30-day chips.

There's no need to be crude.

- Oh, so now I'm crude?
- Not just now.

That's it. Get ready for an old-fashioned
trade-school beat-down.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- No.

Slow down. Slow down.

Little Miss Muffet's
gonna get knocked on her tuffet.

Oh, bring it on, Snooki.

Baby, baby, no.

We're in a tough situation here.
This is a big house and we're all adults.

- Yeah, some of us older than others.
- Oh!

Walden's right. Walden's right.

We gotta make the best of this,
you know.

We can play video games,
listen to music, watch movies.

We're all gonna die.

I'm sorry, I'm not gonna stay in the same
house as that horrible woman.

Okay, first of all, the road's closed,
so nobody's going anywhere.

And second of all,
she's not that horrible.

What did you say?

I said the road's closed.

After that.

Nobody's going anywhere?

Are you defending her?

Come on, it's a funny situation
when you think about it.

Two women who shouldn't be anywhere
near each other trapped in a house...

...because of a silly rainstorm.

That's a bad laugh.

Oh, great. I just got my period.

Oh, joy.

My bloody valentine.

I'm out of tampons.
You have to go get me some.

What? Have you looked outside?

Yeah, it's raining.

This is not rain.

This is some sort
of biblical punishment.

There's only one flood
you need to be concerned about.

Why don't you ask Zoey for one?

Why don't I take that light off
and give you a colonoscopy?

Now we know why
you're in such a bad mood.

- What did you just say?
- I'm going to the store to buy tampons.

- Heh.
- Hmm.

You're so pretty.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Where you going?
- I am going to swim to the drugstore...

...and bob for tampons.

Really? In this weather?

- What, are you out of your mind?
- Walden!

I'll come with you.

Looks like it's starting to let up.

Yeah, this is blowing over.

It's actually kind of refreshing.

And we certainly need the water.

It's weird how people in L.A.
Make such a big fuss over a little rain.

That's the new Smart car.

Doesn't look so smart now.


- Hi.
- Hi.

Do you happen to know
where Walden is?

I happen to not.

All right.

- Well, where's Alan?
- He went for a walk.

- A walk?
- Yeah, a walk.

That's how poor people
get from one place to another.

All right.

Mind if I share your wine?

I don't know if you'd like it.
It's domestic.

Alan bought it.

Actually, I quite like California wine.

It's from Wisconsin.


Well, desperate times.

A shame our girlfriends
don't get along, huh?

If they don't start playing nice
with each other...'ll have to find
a new place to live.

No doubt.

Or I could find another girlfriend.

Well, cheers.



For the record, I like Walden very much.
He seems like a great guy.

Well, thank you.

Alan's... Thank you.

So, what's your plan
for the young, gorgeous billionaire?

I'm sorry, plan?

Oh, come on.

Educated girl like you,
you gotta have a plan to nail him down.

I don't.

My feelings for Walden are genuine.

I have no desire to manipulate him
into some sort of commitment.


But if I did,
what plan do you think might work?

First thing I'd do
is throw out my diaphragm.

I'm on the pill.

All right,
swap out those puppies for Tic Tacs.

You know, it's actually good
that Lyndsey sent me to the drugstore.

Now I can pick up
her Valentine's Day gift.


Yeah, nothing says I love you
like Q-tips and stool softener.

I was thinking of something...


- Alan!
- Tell Jake I love him!

And buy Lyndsey tampons!

Anyway, then we got married
and had my son Eldridge.

How long after?

Actually, my water broke
during the ceremony.

Put a crimp in the reception.

Tell me about your ex.

- Nigel?
- Mm.

Oh, God, how can I describe Nigel?

Highly educated, extremely cultured...

...and as you Americans might say...

...a total fricking douche bag.

- Really?
- Mm.

My ex-husband is, as you Brits might say...

...a right bloody wanker.

Looks like we both traded up, huh?

Yes, absolutely.

- Cheers to us.
- Mm.

This is turning out to be
a nice Valentine's Day.

It is, isn't it?

- Thanks for the tampon, by the way.
- Oh, pleasure.

It appears our cycles
have synched up.

Probably why we haven't seen the boys
for a while.

- We have been a bit out of sorts.
- Mm.

- Edgy.
- Moody.

- Bitchy.
- Bitchy.

Oh. I do hope our fellows are all right.

- I'm sure they're fine.
- Yeah.

- Let me go! Save yourself!
- No.

If you go, I go.

Hey, Lyndsey.
Yeah, we haven't gotten to the drugstore yet.

We're in a little bit of a situation here.

All right, what kind of ice cream?

Seriously, let me go.