Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 15 - The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack - full transcript

Walden feels Zoey doesn't truly enjoy sex with him and lets Alan convince him that's a bad sign. After a painful episodes in both senses to prevent her daughter Avan, whom she was reluctant even to present, finding them in bed, Walden hesitantly tries Berta's space brownies, which get him high, Zoey almost paranoid. Jake and Eldrigde also had a batch, so they keep looking for Zoey for a $100 reward long after she sobers up. After Ava's English father Nigel drops her unexpectedly, Walden wins her over in a single zoo visit. That also proves the key to overcome Zoey's sexual insecurity.

♪ Men ♪

Oh, God.


Wake up.
You have to go.


My daughter's going
to be up soon.

I don't want her to
find you in here.


I'm awake.

Now get dressed.

All right.

Um... before I go,

I do have that
morning phenomenon

that sometimes
happens to fellas.

You know,
in the morning.

I don't care about
your erection, okay?

Okay, fine, fine.

I just thought
that I would point it out

since it is...

you know, pointing out.

Very impressive.

Now, skedaddle before
Ava wakes up, okay?

You know, at some point,
I'm going to have to meet her.

At some point, yes,
but not today.

Yeah, well, I kind of feel
like I already know her.

I mean, I'm certainly familiar

with her port of entry
into this world.

Yes. Ha ha.

Now, get out.


Uh... closet!

Really? The closet?
Isn't that kind of cliché?

Oh, God. In!

I want to snuggle.

Good idea!

Let's snuggle in your room.

No, here.

Here. Of course.

Um, good.

Now, close your eyes,

and Mummy will give you
a super-duper snuggle.


Are your eyes closed?


Are Winston's eyes closed?

He's not real, Mummy.

All righty.

Get out!

All done.

Now, what do you say

we make some pancakes?


Pancakes! Pancakes!
Pancakes! Pancakes!

Pancake train!

- Pancakes! Pancakes!
- Pancakes! Pancakes!

I like pancakes.

I left Winston
on your bed.

I could totally be Spider-Man.

I think I broke
my morning phenomenon.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

Can I ask you a
personal question?

Does it involve money,
drugs or pregnancy?


How can I help you, my son?

You and Eldridge's mom
are dating again, right?

You think you'll ever get married?

Uh, well, actually,
we talked about that

and decided the only
reason to do it

would be if we wanted
to have more kids,

and since we both...

...had so much success
the first time,

there's really no point.


What brought that up?

Oh. Me and Eldridge
were thinking

it would be cool if
we were brothers,

so that we could switch
places to fool people.

That only works
if you're twins, Jake.

How do you know
for sure I'm Jake?


What happened to you?

I was perched on a dresser,
and I fell on my penis.

Oh. I hate when
that happens.

Uh... uh, dare I ask?

Uh, yeah, I was hiding
from Zoey's daughter.

Oh. Still doesn't want you
to meet her?


Well, it's not unusual
for single moms

to be protective of their kids.

And then, when you are
introduced to them,

you're "Uncle Alan, who's on
his way back to Cleveland,

"and you don't have
to remember his name

because you'll never,
ever see him again."

What do you do to women
to piss them off so much?

If I knew,
don't you think I'd stop?

Well, the daughter stuff

isn't the only thing
bothering me about Zoey.

Oh, I thought you guys
were getting along great.

Well, we are...
most of the time.

It's just...

Have you ever been
in a relationship

where you're really
into each other,

but the sex
isn't everything it could be?

Oh, sure.

Uh, except for the
"really into each other" part.

It's not that the sex is bad,

it's just that...

lately, it seems like she
could just take it or leave it.

Oh... "Take it or leave it."

Boy, I know that song.

But my philosophy is,

as long as she's taking it,
I'm not leaving.

You know what she said to me
last night, after we had sex?

"That was nice.

Now let's do something fun."

Well, I suppose
that's better than,

"Put your pants on so we can get
back to the family reunion."

You're kidding, right?

Oh, she was just
a cousin by marriage.

So have you actually talked
to Zoey about your problem?

No. I was just hoping
it would just get better.

Oh, no, no, no. Take it from me.

There are two things
in long-term relationships

that never get better
by themselves.

One is sex.

What's the other one?

Does it matter?

It's all arranged.

Ava's going to be
spending tonight with her dad.


So sleepover at my house?

Sounds heavenly.

Although I don't know
how much sleeping we'll do.

Cheeky monkey.

Shall I bring around
some Chinese?

Hey, the more, the merrier.

Ha, ha.

You know, if there's
anything I can do

to, you know,
make you happier...

What on Earth
are you talking about?

I just... I couldn't help
but notice...

I can't even say it.

Come on, Walden.

You can tell me anything.

All right.

The sex.

You don't... you don't seem
to be enjoying the sex.

Okay, I can't talk about that.

Okay, y-you said we could talk
about anything.

Yeah, but not about that.

And certainly not on a computer.

Why? Nobody's listening.

I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm very uncomfortable
talking about...

you know...

No offense, but you don't seem

that comfortable
doing it, either.

You're still talking about it.

I-I-I mean,
because if you're not,

I mean, there are...
there are things that we can do.

There are things we can try.


I don't know,
like role-playing.


Yeah. You know...

"Hey, lady,
I'm here to clean the pool."

But I don't have a pool.

No, it's an imaginary pool.

How is you
cleaning an imaginary pool

supposed to be erotic?

Okay, okay,
just forget the pool.

I... all I'm saying is-is that,

if there's anything I can do,
just let me know.

Thank you for your concern,

but I'm perfectly
satisfied with our...

carnal interludes.


Carnal interludes?

Well, what do you
want me to call it?

It doesn't matter.
I mean, the distance

between "carnal interludes"
and what I would call it

isn't really susceptible
to compromise.

All right, listen,
I have to run and take Ava

to her father's,
so I'll see you tonight, yes?


Walden, believe me,

I am fine and dandy
with our...

Carnal interludes.

See you.

Everything okay

with you and
Mary Poppins?

Were you eavesdropping?

If I don't eavesdrop,

I've got nothing
to tweet about.

The problem is she's English.

Stiff upper lips and all that.

You should date
a nice Polish girl.

You don't say.

Oh, yeah.

Those Commies,
they're all freaks.

Sex is the only thing

they didn't have to stand
in line and wait for.

Good to know.

I think I'll stick with Zoey.

I just wish I could
get her to relax.

You know, let go.

Me, I'm just the opposite.

I can get off
leaning against the dryer

with a couple of sneakers in it.

Is that why my Nikes
are so clean?


Listen, if you want to loosen up
the Duchess of Dull-In-Sack,

you might try slipping her
one of my special brownies.

I got a fresh batch
in the fridge.

You know, for my glaucoma.

Thank you, but I'm...

I don't want to have to get Zoey
loaded to enjoy sex with me.

Suit yourself.

Doesn't want to get her loaded.

What's the matter
with kids today?

♪ Men.


That was a lovely movie.

Yeah, that Hugh Grant
is really something.

Something wrong?

No. Why?

Usually, at this point
in the evening,

you start
getting frisky.




All right. "Horny."

Made you say it.

Is that an invitation
to get frisky?

If you want.

If you want.

Well, I want
if you want.

No, no, I want
you to want

because you want,
not because I want.

Okay, I've lost
the thread.

Now, are we gonna
do this or not?

Only if you want.

Oh, Walden, why are you
making this so difficult?

Because I... it's not fun for
me unless you're having fun.

All right.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, look.

It's the pool cleaning man.

Come to clean my pool,
have you?

Okay, that's...
that's enough.

My, what a big chlorine bottle
you've got.

O-Okay, please stop.

Let's just stop.

You sure?


Oh, okay.

We'll go
to sleep, then.

Do you like brownies?


Is this another game?

The sexy pastry chef.

No. No.

Come to butter
my baking pan, have you?

No. No.

No. Uh... no.


It's just that...

Berta made these...
pot brownies,

and I just thought maybe,

if we had one, that we
could relax a little bit.

Oh... Tried that once
at university.

Had a bit of a giggle.

Is that a yes?

I don't see any harm in it.

What was that?

Do you hear police sirens?

I hear police sirens.

Dear God, they're from France!


Oh, no, they're
getting closer!

Looks like someone else
found the brownies.

Oh, good, you saw her, too.


Zoey! Zoey!

Okay, she's definitely
not on the beach.

Don't worry, man,
I'm sure she's somewhere.

That's true.

Everybody's somewhere.

Whoa, that is seriously deep.


Ah, thank you.


We got to find Zoey before
something horrible happens.

This is very good.

Anyway, we should split up.

A hundred bucks
to the man who finds her.

Hundred bucks?

We're in.


Maybe she's on the beach.

Zoey! Zoey!


We have to find Zoey
before he does.


Where would you go if you were
stoned and freaking out?

Taco Bell.


Let's go.

I'm right behind you.

Zoey! Zoey!

♪ Men.



Mm, hello, Alan.

What's going on?

Just a little snack.

I see.

Uh, where's Walden?

Beats me.

Hey, you know what's very weird?

You Americans call these chips,
we call them crisps.

And what we call chips,
you call...

French fries.

Oh, don't get me
started on the French.


Um, did you have
one of Berta's brownies?

Indeed I did.

I did indeed.

Indeed I did a doody-deedy.


where's Walden?

We're supposed to be
having good sex.

Oh, is that so?


He thinks I don't enjoy it,
but it's just hard for me

to give myself to a man
unless I trust him completely.

I certainly understand that.

But once I do,
I have orgasm after orgasm,

especially if you
spank my bottom

while I ride you like a Vespa.

Okay. I'll-I'll try
to pass that along.


Okay, I'm going
to bed now.

Hmm. Mm.

By the way,
I know I haven't always

been very warm to you.

Well, that's true.

It's only 'cause I don't
care for you very much.



Good night.

Nice change of pace
hearing it with an accent.

"I just don't
care for you very much."

It's classy.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey,
there you are.

Zoey's looking
for you.

She's here?

Yeah, she
went to bed.

Oh. Thank God.

I better go check on her.

But first, ice cream.

Good news! We found Zoey!

♪ Ta-da!

Which one of you is
the billionaire looking for me?

♪ Men.

I'm so sorry
about last night.

Don't be silly.

I'm just glad you didn't
end up in a French prison.

I hope you don't think
I'm a lost cause.

No, no.

I do like... you know.

Glad to hear.

Don't worry, I will not stop
until I hear Paul Revere.

I beg your pardon?

You know, the
British are coming!

The British
are coming!


Nigel, what are
you doing here?

I had to bring Ava back early.

Hello. Nigel Pierce.

Walden Schmidt.

Nigel is my ex-husband.

A role I relish.

I need to catch
a plane to London,

so you'll have to have Ava
for the weekend.

And what if I have plans?

Yes, I can see your plans.

Mummy, Daddy said he
can't take me to the zoo.

Oh, wonderful,
just wonderful.

Are you and Daddy
going to fight?

No. Mummy will take you
to the zoo instead of Daddy.

Brilliant, make me the bad guy.

Oh, no one made you the bad guy,
you were born to it.

Uh, you know what, Ava?

I'm a little thirsty.

Maybe you could show me where
I could get a glass of water.

Is it all right, Mummy?

Yeah. Good idea.

Come on, then.

They're gonna
fight now.

Yeah, I know.

So this is what you
prefer now, hmm?

Underwear models?

He happens to be a billionaire.

Yes, well, I happen to be
107th in line to the throne.

Here's your water.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Oh, whoa!

This is the best water
I have ever had.

Did you make this yourself?

No, silly, it came
out of the fridge.


Well, then cheers.


I'm a queen.

You are?

Queen Ava.

Well, then what am I?

I have no idea.

Walden Schmidt, Your Majesty.

Pleased to meet you.

I shall call you Sir Schmidt.

Oh! At your service.


Oh! Oh!

Well, you two seem
to be getting along.

Can Sir Schmidt come
with us to the zoo?

Sir Schmidt?

Hmm. I don't know.


He's my loyal subject.

Well, I suppose, if he wants.

I live to do
the queen's bidding.

All right,
go and get your jacket.


Sir Schmidt?

My grandfather shortened it
from Schmidt-a-Lot.

Oh, goodness.

That was quite a day.

Yeah. It was fun, wasn't it?

It was.

Is she still sleeping?

She's comatose.

Here, let me
take her.


Oh, dear, you have a bit
of drool on your shoulder.

Oh, that's not a problem.

My housekeeper has a lot of
experience with drool stains.

Ah. I'm gonna go
and put her down.

Be right back.

Hey, Jake.

Really? You found Zoey.

That's great.

Thank you.

Little dude's got to lay off
the brownies.

She's absolutely

It was a long day.

You were just
wonderful with her.


Well, I guess
I better head home.

I think not.

What's happening?

It's very,
very simple.

I'm going to take
you into my bedroom

and bang you like
a snare drum.


♪ Men.

♪ Men.


Oh, hey.
Where you been?

I went to the zoo with Zoey
and her little girl.

Wow! So you finally
met the daughter.

Might make it tough

if the relationship
doesn't work out.

Why wouldn't it work out?

Well, you know, the lack of

sexual chemistry
you were talking about.

Oh, no, we're way past that.

Oh. So she opened up
about her trust issues?

Trust issues?

No, zoos make her horny.

Really? You think that's it?


Next weekend, we're going to
the San Diego Wild Animal Park.



You Walden?


I Zoey.


It's nice
to meet you.


Keep looking.