Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 7 - Untainted by Filth - full transcript

After Charlie and Chelsea set their wedding date, Charlie and Alan go out and get drunk and wake up in bed together with a strange woman.

- Who wants more potatoes?
- Hit me.

Uh, Chelsea, the way it's supposed to work
here is that Berta serves us dinner.

I don't mind.

Hear that? She doesn't mind. Shut up.

EVELYN: We're back.
- Hey, how'd it go?

Don't know what you were worried about.
Your son's a wonderful driver.

Thanks for taking him, Mom.
He needs the practice.

Mm, pork chops.

What are you wearing?

Grandma bought it for me.
Pretty cool, huh?

- You made him dress up as a chauffeur?
- He loves it.

- Don't get grease on that jacket, dear.
- Yes, Miss Evelyn.

- Would you like to join us for dinner?
- Oh, no thanks, I had a late lunch.

And she sent a piece of pie out
to the car so I could eat too.

Anyway, I better get going.

Well, thanks again, Mom.
Say thanks to Grandma.

Thank you, Miss Evelyn.

- Good to see you.
EVELYN: You too.

Oh, I almost forgot.

- Have you two set a wedding date yet?
- No.

We haven't.

But we're gonna.

Well, it just so happens that
a client of mine...

...schedules the weddings
for the Bel-Air Hotel.

And she told me there was a cancellation
for the weekend of June 26th.

- The Bel-Air Hotel?
- In June.

- Charlie, the Bel-Air Hotel.
- In June.

Yeah, I heard, wow.

- What do you think?
- Gee, I don't know.

We hadn't talked about a date.

Boy, it's almost impossible
to get a June date at the Bel-Air Hotel.

Thank you, Alan.

Judith and I had to get married
at the Sportsmen's Lodge...

...on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

I remember the Indian corn centerpieces.

Oh, Charlie,
I've always dreamed of getting married... the Bel-Air in the garden
with the swans.

Yeah, but keep in mind
those birds are vicious.

They look pretty,
but they'll peck your eye right out.

I thought
if we had the wedding here...

...the money we save could pay
for a nice long honeymoon.

Yeah, I guess that's probably smarter.

Shame on you, Charles.

Depriving your fiancée
of her dream wedding.

Especially considering
all the money you blew...

...on hooch and whores
over the years.

Thank you, Berta.

Tell you what, the wedding at the Bel-Air
will be my gift to you.

Are you serious?

Gee, Mom, thanks,
but that's a little too generous.

A little? All she gave Judith and me
was a dinette set.

- Who's eating on that dinette set now?
- That's not the point.

Charlie's marriage
is just as likely to fail as mine was.

Thanks again, bro.

Anyway, I asked them
to hold the date for 24 hours.

- So you can talk it over and decide.
- Thank you, Evelyn. That is so sweet.

Well, I do have an ulterior motive.

The sooner you get married,
the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.

Why, does Miss Evelyn
need a cook and a butler too?

- Let me know, dear.
- I will.

- The Bel-Air Hotel.
- In June.

Let's see you get out of this one,

So have you thought
about your mother's offer?

Yeah, I have.

I've got one question.

Why June?

What's wrong with getting married
in July, or the following October?

October is a perfectly good month.

Birds all fly south, so you don't have
to worry about swan attacks.

Charlie, if you don't wanna get married
in June, we don't have to.

What? No, no, no.

That's not what I'm saying at all.
Where do you get this stuff?

- So?
- So, what?

Do you want to get married in June?

Oh, we're back on that.

Well, I can't think
of any good reason why not.

And believe me, I'm trying.

So that's it?

We're getting married June 26th
at the Bel-Air Hotel?

I guess so.

Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy.

That's only because you don't have
a swan beak in your eye socket yet.

I'm gonna call your mom, then my mom
and then all my friends.

Good, good.

Alan, we're gonna do it.
June 26th at the Bel-Air Hotel.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! That is so wonderful.

I know, I've gotta go call everybody.


- Thanks.
- Wow, the end of an era.

- Guess so.
- Well, you had a good run.

- Yep.
- But now it's over.


Nothing's gonna change, Alan.
Sure, I'm gonna be married.

But I'm still the same guy living in the same
house with the same woman.

Yes, yes, the same woman.


Hey, can I be the best man?

You'll need a sex change.

- Where you going?
- Out for a drink.

- Well, you can drink here.
- I could, but I don't wanna vomit here.

Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.

- Why?
- I'm not done poking at you.

Hey, shouldn't you ask
the old ball and chain first?

I don't need her permission.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

Although it is considerate
to let your partner know your plans... she won't worry.

I'm going out for a drink with Alan, okay?

CHELSEA: Sure, have fun.
- Thanks, love you.

Shut up.

- You're driving.
- Wow.

Jake has one big-ass head.

All kidding aside, she's a great girl
and I'm sure you'll be very happy.



- Are you done poking?
- [IN NORMAL TONE] For the moment.

Boy, who would've figured of the two of us,
I'd end up being the carefree bachelor?

If by carefree
you mean broke and lonely...

...everybody would've figured.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Charlie.
- Betsy.

- I'm getting married on June 26th.
- Good for you.

- At the Bel-Air Hotel.
- Nice.

That means no matter how easy you are,
I can't sleep with you.

I can. I'm Alan.

Can he buy you a drink?


- What you watching?
- Oh. Golf.

- Don't sneak up on a guy, all right?
- Sorry.

Your dad watches a lot of golf too.

So listen, how'd you like
to be a groomsman in the wedding?

What do I gotta do?

You just walk down the aisle
with the bridesmaids...

...and stand with Charlie
during the ceremony.

Tell me more about the bridesmaids.

- They're friends of mine.
- So they're old.

No, not all of them.
I have a niece who's about your age.

- Is she pretty?
- I think she's cute.

Okay, I know what that means.

- She's not a brainiac, is she?
- What does that mean?

Well, I don't like them stupid, but I don't
like them talking down to me either.

- Got it.
- And I like a little junk in the trunk.

You won't be disappointed.

- All right, I'm in.
- Great.

You know, of all the women my uncle's
been with, you're my favorite.

Oh, thank you.

- And there's been a lot.
- I know.

- A whole lot.
- Right.

Like I'm betting around a thousand.


And that's just since
I've been old enough to pay attention.

No kidding.

When I first got here...

...he told me that they were coming over
to water the plants.

And I believed him. What did I know?

Sure, you were young.

And naive too.
We didn't even have any plants.

- And there were some crazy ones too.
- I'll bet.

Your niece doesn't have a license
to carry a concealed weapon, does she?

- No.
- Good.

You should have seen
where this one girl hid hers.

Come to find out that what I thought
was a boil on my neck...

...was actually a carbuncle.


Little known fact, uh, carbuncles
are technically in the boil family.

But it takes way longer to drain.

- Charlie, help me here, I'm dying.
- No, you're doing fine.

Tell her about your hemorrhoids.

- Please, I'm begging you.
- All right.

No sense letting my superpowers
go to waste.

Ahem. So, Dr. Harper...

...are we still going to Sun Valley
in your Gulfstream this weekend?

You own your own trailer?

No, no, that's an Airstream.

Dr. Harper has a private jet.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

He needs one for his work.

Hmm. What do you do?

Uh, I am a chiropractor.

A chiropractor without borders.

He travels the world
adjusting the backs of starving children.

Yes, you have to be, uh, very careful, um,
because their little bones are very brittle.

Wow, you're amazing.

No, it's just my job. Ha, ha.

You're amazing.

It wasn't tough. We had her at trailer.

Another round on him.





- Charlie.
- Go away, Alan.

I really think
you need to wake up now.


Chelsea's sleeping.

Perhaps, but not here.

Okay, what the hell is your prob...?

Oh, dear.

- [WHISPERING] What happened?
- I don't know.

- Who is she?
- I don't know.

What the hell do you know, Alan?

I know we're in a strange woman's bed,
together, naked.


- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Good idea.

- You remember anything?
- I remember we were in Pavlov's.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were hitting on some chick.

Guess it worked.

Do you happen to remember
how I did it?

- Alan, focus.
- Okay, right, right.

I think there was something about
a trailer in Sun Valley?

Are we in Idaho?

No mountains, no snow.

Why are you wearing my underwear?

- Why are you wearing mine?
- Oh, boy.

Let's just go.

Should we leave her a little note?

- What?
- A thank-you, maybe my phone number.

- Are you crazy? Just keep moving.
- But she's cute.

- And I need a plus-one for your wedding.
- Oh, my God. My wedding.

You're right, it could be awkward.

What have I done, Alan?

Less than 24 hours after I set a date
for my wedding...

...I wake up in bed
with another woman.

And me.
You woke up in bed with me too.


- What the hell did we do last night?
- I wish I knew.

- What am I gonna tell Chelsea?
- Well, let's think.

I mean, maybe there's
an innocent explanation.

Oh, really? And what might that be?

- Clearly we all had a bit much to drink.
- Yeah.

And you and I, being gentlemen...

...escorted the lady home.
- Mm-hm.

She invited us in for a cup of coffee
to sober up.

Was that before
or after we switched underwear?

Let me finish.

Uh, so we went into her apartment and...

I don't know
what you're gonna tell Chelsea.

Here is what you tell her.

Tell her you were detained by the secret
police, strip-searched and water boarded.

Just drive.

Worked for me.

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna forget
this night ever happened.

Good idea.

Giddyup, horsy, giddyup.


Of course,
that may be easier said than done.

Great, no one's up yet.

All right, go to bed. I'll see you later.

- [WHISPERING] Charlie?
- What?

You want your boxers back?

- You keep them.
- Really? Gee, thanks.

- Charlie, Charlie.
- Yeah?

Uh, if I put them in the laundry, Berta will
wash them and give them back to you.

Then hand-wash them.

Of course.

- Charlie, Charlie.
- What?

- Woolite or a mild detergent?
- I don't care.

No worries, I'll check the label.

- Oh, Charlie.
- What?

Thanks for taking me out with you.
I had a really good time.




- Yeah, babe?
- Are you just getting home?

CHARLIE: No, no. No, I was a little drunk,
so I slept downstairs for a while.

I didn't wanna disturb you.

Did you have a good time with Alan?

Oh, come on, it was Alan.
How much fun could I have had?

Happy birthday, Mr. President

Happy birthday to you

CHELSEA: Oh, you don't mean that.
- No. Ha, ha. No.

We had an okay time.
Pretty forgettable.

I talked to my parents last night.
They are so excited.

Not as excited as me.

I'm gonna make you a great wife,
Charlie Harper.

I know.

And I'm gonna... cut down
on my drinking.

Boy, I don't know, Chels.

I really like the white roses
for the centerpieces.

- You don't think it's too much?
- No, no.

The rose symbolizes love
and white symbolizes, you know...

...the cleanness of that love.

- Cleanness?
- Yeah.

Yeah, like purity or untainted by filth.

A white rose is a rose you can trust.

Making it the centerpiece is appropriate,
because you're my centerpiece.

You know, the piece
that supersedes all other pieces.

- Are you still drunk?
- Only with love.


Oh, it's my grandmother.

Hi, Grammy.

Yeah, it's gonna be a June wedding.

Excuse me.
That's a terrible thing to say, Grammy.

Besides, I said June, not Jew.

- Okay, what have you done?
- Beg your pardon?

That sweet naive hick
you're marrying...

...might buy this loving, cooperative
attitude, but not your mommy.

Hey, can't a fella just be excited about
floral centerpieces?

A gay fella.

You're feeling guilty about something.
What is it?

I've got nothing to feel guilty about.

Okay, okay, okay.
Now you give him your underwear.

- Charlie?
- I'm not really sure what I did.

- So a drunken escapade?
- Is there another kind of escapade?

Well, whatever you do,
don't tell Chelsea about it.

Confession may be good for the soul,
but it's a hot lead enema to a marriage.

I know, I know, but I've got these freaky
memory flashes and I feel so guilty.

Trust me,
those memories will fade with time.

How do you know?

Let me tell you a story.

Many years ago when I was married
to your second stepfather...

The carpet king?

Well, I called him that.
It wasn't his occupation.

Anyway, he was away on business...

...and you and your brother
were in summer camp or somewhere.

And l...

Well, I was lonely, bored,
and the circus was in town.


And when I woke up in that Motel 6...

...clown makeup smeared
all over my bosom, I was alone.

The Chinese acrobats, the strong man,
the little people...

...moved on to the next town.

Oh, my God!

- What did you do then?
- Well, what could I do?

I showered,
plucked the sequins from my hoo-hoo...

...held my head up
and got on with my life.

And you never told the carpet king?

No, of course not.
I loved him too much.

Your second stepfather was the third
best thing that ever happened to me.

Behind me and Alan?


I think some teenagers
are fooling around under the deck again.


Yeah. Found a pair of men's briefs
by the side of the house.

Damn kids. No respect for anything.


Listen, Chels, we need to talk.

- Something wrong?
- Yeah.

What is it?

I got these...
These pictures in my head.

And I'm afraid if I don't tell you
about them...

...they're gonna drive me crazy.

Go ahead.


Well, what happened was...

My second stepfather went on a business
trip while the circus was in town.

Alan and I were at camp
or someplace.

And my mother was lonely.


- Shouldn't we leave her a note?
- Just keep walking.