Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 17 - The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? - full transcript

I know you hate it when I review the game
tapes, but that was one for the highlight reel.

The highlight reel?

Yeah, you know, "best of"
moments for deathbed reflections.

Only in your memory, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I got rid of the
camcorder like I promised.

Good.

It's a shame. The
camera really loves you.

Shut up, Charlie.

I'm not just saying that.

Even from unflattering angles,
you light up the screen.



Oh, I hate you.

That's too bad, 'cause I love you.

Really?

actually, yes.

Yes, I do. love you, Chelsea.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.

No, no, thank you.

Two and a
Half Men Season06 Episode17

Morning.

Always got to make a comment, don't you?

Oh, my.

Fitful night's sleep on Alcohol Island?

Keept up, funny man.

You're going to be homeless, wearing a tube top
and turning tricks on Santa Monica Boulevard.



What crawled in your
keister and built a nest?

You want to know? You
really want to know?

I've fallen in love with Chelsea.

Well, why are you so upset?
Love is a beautiful thing.

Beautiful thing, my ass.

And we're back in your keister.

Last night, in bed, I
told her I loved her.

And you know what she said?

"I'm still not going
to let you do that"?

She said, "Thank you."

Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack.

I don't get it.

I've gonthe whole nine
yards for this relationship.

I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom.

I stopped smoking cigars after sex.

I even started seeing a shrink
so I can be more sensitive,

and I still can't get
a freaking "I love you."

But you've obviously
become more sensitive.

For what I've spent on therapy, I could
get a couple of very expensive hookers

who will say anything I want.

There's that sensitivity
again. Look at the bright side.

What's the bright side?

Well, when women do
tell you they love you,

it usually ends with them tossing a lit
road flare through your bedroom window.

That happened one time.

Why can't you just be
grateful for what you've got?

What do I got?

Oh, a woman who may not
proclaim her love for you,

but who doesn't y to set you
on fire while you're sleeping.

One time.

Okay. A woman who may not
proclaim her love for you,

but who doesn't steal your Mercedes
while you're passed out in the backseat

and drive it into the Pacific Ocean.

Another isolated incident.

I believe I've made my point.

I'm sorry, Alan.

But not being drowned or burned by
the woman I love is not enough for me.

I want more.

Oh, sure. Reach for the stars.

Hey, Charlie, how's it going?

Boy, you really blew it this time.

Did I now? How so?

I've fallen in love with Chelsea.

Ooh, my bad.

Damn right, your bad.

There were plenty of medications that
would've turned me into a happy little potato,

but would you prescribe them? No!

You said I had to get in touch with my feelings
and express them to the people I care about.

Sorry, I must've been drunk.

No. No, it's too late for excuses.

I'm sensing something
happened with Chelsea.

Oh, you're good. There's no
sliding anything past you.

Hey, last night I dreamt I was a giant hot dog
jumping through a doughnut that looked like my mother.

What do you suppose that means?

All right, Charlie,
you've made your point.

Now, tell me what happened.

We can go back to the
doughnut dream later.

It wasn't a real dream.
I was being sarcastic.

Oh, I know, but thfact that you chose that
particular imagery is a little troubling.

Now, what happened wi Chelsea?

I told her I loved her,
and you know what she said?

This process isn't really
about me guessing, Charlie.

She said, "Thank you."

Interesting. How did that make you feel?

No, no, no, no, no! No more
feelings. We tried it your way.

Now, just take out your little
prescription pad and start scribbling.

You don't need medication, Charlie.

You're actually making
tremendous progress.

Are you not listening to a thing I say?

I drift in and out.

Look, the fact that you're upset about this
tells me you've come a long way from the guy

who first walked into this office.

The guy who first walk into
this office was a happy-go-lucky,

fully-functioning man
whore and I want him back.

I'm guessing you don't mean that.

Oh, now you're guessing?

A minute ago it was, "That's
not how the process works."

A minute ago, it didn't.

So are you still seeing Chelsea?

Well, of course I'm still seeing her, but
now the relationship's totally screwed.

Why is that?

She knows I love her.

The whole balance of power
is completely out of whack.

Okay, I really don't like it
when you give me the "huh."

Now,ou're just screwing with me, right?

There's no sliding anything past you.

So let's talk about this whole
balance of power issue of yours.

What about it?

Why do you look at relationships
as a power struggle?

'Cause that's what they are.

Is that how you saw your parents'
relationship, as a power struggle?

Oh, there was no struggle.

My father sat very quietly while my
mother sucked the life out of him.

I see, and you're terrified
of that happening to you.

No, I'm looking forward to it.

In fact, I'm thinking about having a nozzle attached
to my heart to make the sucking more convenient.

Let me ask you something.

What would it take for you feel that
things were back in balance with Chelsea?

Simple. She has to tell me she loves me.

Even if she doesn't feel it?

It's even better if she doesn't feel it.

'Cause that means she's only saying
it 'cause she's afraid to lose me.

Wow.
- Wow?

What's "wow"?

Kind of like "huh," but
with a "wuh" and an "ow."

Charlie, I would suggest that you forget
about getting the "I love you" back

and focus more on what it feels like to give
love, maybe for the first time in your life.

You know, I can get
the drugs without you.

I've got a nephew in junior high.

Do what you got to do.

Now, let's get back to that
mom-shaped doughnut of yours.

So you really told her you loved her?
- Yeah.

Were you loaded?

No.

Were you trying to get
her to do something kinky?

No.

Did she catch you doing
something kinky to somebody else?

No.
- By yourself?

No.

Then I don't get it.
What was your angle?

My angle was I love her.

Why does everybody go
"huh"? What's with the "huh"?

We always knew this day would come.

What day?

The day you stopped
manipulating and conning women.

The day you dropped your guard and
let an honest emotion into your heart.

Well, that's a good day, right?

If you don't mind being
some broad's prison bitch.

What are you going to do now?

I don't know.

I can't keep seeing her, 'cause the
relationship's completely out of balance,

and I can't stop seeing
her because I love her.

I feel for you.

I once loved a guy, didn't love me back.

What did you do?
- 90 days in County.

Plus anger management classes, which by
the way, are a total freaking waste of time.

Have you ever been in love?

Hey, Alan.

Ocupado!

I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it!

I know how to restore the
balance of power with Chelsea.

Excuse me! What part of
"ocupado" don't you understand?

The "ocu" or the "pado"?

I understood it all. I was
just hoping you were shaving.

Well, I'm not!

And as you well know, this is an uphill battle
for me, even in the best of circumstances.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is imrtant.

I'm going to get an "I
love you" from Chelsea.

If you let me finish,
you'll get one fm me.

Check this out.

Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden.

If you wait a few minutes,
I'll have a gift for you.

I'm going to marry Chelsea.

Are you serious?

Serious enough to ignore what's
going on right in front of me.

Well, congratulations... I guess.

Thank you.

Let's see her not say "I love you" now.

Let's see what marriage
does to his bowels.

How's your salmon?
- Delicious.

And this is such a romantic restaurant.

I'm glad you like it.

Haveou been here before?

No.

Yes.

Well, a couple times.

A lot.

I know you've dated other
women. Why would you lie?

Survival instinct. Same reason I
don't drink in the bathtub anymore.

What else have you lied to me about?

I don't know. What else
haven't you believed?

You're awful.

Awful good, right?
- Yeah.

Excuse me, I have to powder my nose.

Okay, who's lying now?

Bobby.

Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?

Yeah, terrific.

Listen, my date's in the ladies' room
and I need you to do something for me.

Not a problem.

I'll have the valet bring
your car around to the alley.

I'll open the men's restroom
window so you can shimmy out.

And I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady
home along with the customary chocolate souffl\ to go.

No, no, no, I'm not
breaking up with her.

I'm going to ask her to marry me.

I think we need to
get some coffee in you.

I'm not drunk. I know
exactly what I'm doing.

As always.

All I need you to do is bring a bottle of
champagne, pour a glass for her and a glass for me,

then distract her so I can
slip the ring into her glass.

Oh, how charmingly original.

You've seen that before?
- Never.

Here she comes. Go get the champagne.

I'll keep the bathroom
window open just in case.

Charlie, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Okay.

The other day when you said you
loved me, I didn't really respond.

Yes, you did. You said"Thanyou.
You were very courteous.

's tt don'ha taking that
extra step is really hard me.

Welldon't woy about it. I'm sure
you'l that step en it's appropriate.

Oh, look, chamgne.

is it special occasion?

Every night with you
is a special occasion.

I'm going to miss you, sir.

Oh, dear. I hope I'm not
having a massive coronary.

Oh, my God, are you all right?

I'm not sure. Yes, I'm fine.

The one waiter in L.A. who's not an actor.
- What?

Nothing. Nothing. A toast.

To saying what we feel.

What the hell did I just swallow?

A one-bedroom
condo. - What?

I put a diamond ring
in your champagne glass.

Why?

What do you mean "why?"

I was going to propose and I had no
idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot.

That was a ring I just swallowed?

Who drinks champagne like that?

I was thirsty. Stop yelling at me!

How in God's name could
you swallow it so easily?

Hey, that's one of the
things you love about me!

Problem?
- No problem. Go away.

Car's outside, window's open.

Let's go.
- Where?

The emergency room.
- Why?

Because I have a ring in my stomach!

Oh, don't worry about
that. You'll be fine.

How do you know?

When Jake was little, he
swallowed a handful of nickels.

Nothing bad happened.

Are you sure?
- Absolutely.

He still shoots one out every now
and then. Bets me heads or tails.

Just between you and me, I'm not
even sure they're the same nickels.

Trust me.

A couple cups of coffee in
the morning, problem solved.

I suppose you're right.

So, what do you say?

What do I say about what?

I asked you to marry me.

No, yodidn't.

Well, I was about to until
you ruined the moment.

I ruined the moment?

Okay. Okay, there's no
sense in assigning blame.

The point is, I'm proposing.

You want to marry me.
- Yes. I love you.

I don't know what to say.

Say you love me and you'll marry me.

Gee, Charlie, you're kind of
putting me on the spot here.

Yeah, well, that's kind of built
into the whole proposal concept.

Oh, come on, just say
it so we can be even.

Ev? Is that what thiisbout?
Some kind of power thing?

N-no, no, no. I meant so that
we could be even... closer.

Right.

Okay, that was lame.

But don't blame me, blame my shrink.
- What?

If I was properly medicated, we
wouldn't be having this conversation.

Boy, this keeps getting
more and more romantic.

Look, do you love me or not?

I guess so.
- No guessing. That's not how the process works.

All right, I love you.
- Oh, great! Great, good.

That's all I wanted.

But I won't marry you.
- What?

Oh, yeah, right. That's okay, no biggie.

I just got out of a marriage.
I'm not ready to do it again.

That's fine. I understand.

I'm not saying "no," I'm
just saying "not now."

Hey, "not now" is my
favorite time for a wedding.

The important thing is
that we love each other.

Right.
- Equally.

Yes. -
Fifty-fifty.

If it means that much to you.

Come on, say it again. I love you.

No.

Why not?

I want to see the ring first.

Hey, Berta?

Where do we keep the
spaghetti strainer thingie?

It's called a "colander."
What do you need it for?

It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.

Okay, what kind of Martha Stewart
freak show you got going up there?

Trust me, you don't need the details.

I don't want the details

I just need to know whether to wash
it or throw it away when you're done.

Oh, I think you'll
want to throw it away.

Morning.
- Hey, Alan.

Congratulate me. I'm kind of engaged.

So she said "yes"?

Not exactly.

You gave her the ring, right?
- Yep.

Well, what did she say?

You had to be there.

Okay. So, have you set a date?

For what?
- The wedding.

What wedding? Nobody's getting
married. I'm just engaged.

When do we get to see this rock?

Well, Chelsea just finished her
second cup of coffee, so I'd guess...

15, 20 minutes.

Anybody understand
what that was all about?

I think Chelsea swallowed some nickels.

Chelse.
- Yeah?

You've been in there for
awhile. How's it going?

Just fine.

You need any help?

I brought Alan's little poop stool.

Go away!

All right,all right.

But just rember,when you
hear a metallic clink,stop.

I think I can handle it.

I'm just saying,it's not on
my homeowner's policy yet,

so if you flush it by
mistake,I'm screwed.

Charlie,I swearif you don't
walk away from that door,

I will eat a block of cheese and
you will never see that ring again!

Okay,I'm walking.

Good.

Love you.

Don't push it, Charlie!

Right back at you.

Oh,Charlie, it's beautiful.