Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 16 - She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime - full transcript

Charlie needs Alan and Jake's help getting rid of the drunk, half-naked bimbo passed out in his bed when his girlfriend tells him she's coming home early from a funeral.

It seems to me
that it'd be more fair...

...if everybody on both basketball teams
was the same height.

That's how it seems to you, huh?

Yeah, like in boxing...

...heavyweights fight heavyweights,
lightweights fight lightweights.

So in your world...

...everybody on a basketball team
would be, say, 6-foot-5...

...and they'd only play other teams
that were 6-foot-5?

Exactly. That way, no one
would have an unfair advantage.

- Huh. That's very interesting.
- You really think so?

No, but it's less likely
to start a fight than:

"That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard. "

And yet you said it anyway.

Listen, I've gotta talk to you.

Okay, "dumb"
was a poor choice of words.

- It's not about that.
- Can it wait till halftime?


- I've gotta go to a funeral this weekend.
- Oh, man, I'm sorry.

- Who died?
- My ex-mother-in-law.

That couldn't wait till halftime?


I'm just saying,
she'll still be dead at halftime.

I was very close to her,
and I wanna pay my respects.

So I'm going to Santa Barbara...

...and I'll be spending the weekend
with my ex-husband.

Oh, okay.

Define "with. "

Well, everyone's staying
at his parents' house.

- Do you want me to come with you?
- No.


- Why not?
- You wanna come?

- Hell, no.
- That's what I figured.

Look, I just wanna be
up-front with you.

I was married to Alex
for eight years...

...and I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

I wouldn't have had any idea
if you hadrt felt the need to tell me.

Yeah, well, I don't want us
to have secrets from each other.

Oh, I agree.
We definitely should not have secrets.

- Right.
- You know, from this point forward.

What kind of guy is this Alex?

He's a good guy.

We got married too young
and wanted different things.

He wanted something different
than your things?

Because your things are terrific.

Thank you.

- He didn't go gay on you, did he?
- No.


Are you jealous?

No, no, of course not.

I mean, maybe a little.

You know, in the sense
that his mother's dead.

I miss you too, honey.

How was the funeral?

Yeah, I guess they're all pretty sad.

Probably why they don't call them
fun-erals. Heh, heh.

Yeah, that was lame.

So where are you now, at the house?

And where is your ex-husband?

And where is his room
in relationship to yours?

Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do
with jealousy.

I just know
based on a lifetime of experience...

...that penises do not observe
a traditional mourning period.

You are not driving my car
until you get a learner's permit.

- Not even in the driveway?
- Not anywhere.

If you have a heart attack,
can I drive you?

No, call an ambulance.


If they don't get here in time,
can I have your car?

Hey, hey, hey, there's my posse.

What are we doing tonight, boys?
Think big, it's my treat.

- Drunk?
- Probably.

- Where's Chelsea?
- She had to go out of town.

Oh, so your girlfriend's gone
for a couple of days...

...and now, suddenly,
you have time for us?


Did you ever think
that Jake and I already have plans?

Our lives go on
even when you're not around?

We don't just pop into existence
the moment you need us?

I'm free.

Me too. I'm just making a point.

So, what's it gonna be?

Movie? Bowling?

Putt-putt? Nevada cathouse?

I vote for cathouse.

Do you know what a cathouse is?

Not firsthand,
that's why I voted for it.

A movie would be fine.

All right, movie it is.
What's out that's good?

There's a new pirate movie.
It's rated "Arrrgh. "

You guys have no sense of humor.

Can we go to that new theater...

...with the reserved seats
and the jumbo kosher hot dogs?

You just finished dinner.

That doesn't mean I finished eating.

Hey, Charlie.

Wanda. What are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood,
and I'm drunk and horny.

New plan.

Have I met this one before?

- I doubt it.
- She looks familiar.

Blond, busty and bombed?
Around here, that's familiar.

- I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
- He does.

What's he doing with Wanda?

Well, buddy, it's like this:

Uh, despite
his many admirable qualities...

...your Uncle Charlie is,
at heart, a sleazeball.

That's what I figured.
I just wanted a second opinion.

Hang on, I'll grab another bottle.

Broad is part camel.

Except the humps aren't on her back.

Oh, come on,
that was funnier than "Rated 'Arrrgh. "'

I know you're upset. I'll take you
to the movie some other time.

This has nothing
to do with the movie.

- Then what's the problem?
- The problem is you're a sleazeball.

Really? How so?

Oh, please. You're in a committed
relationship with a wonderful woman.

When her back is turned,
you're out gallivanting.

- Gallivanting?
- Screwing around.

Why don't you just say
"screwing around"?

Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is doing
the same thing I'm doing.

Oh, really? She's pouring liquor
down the throat of an inebriated girl?

- Inebriated?
- Drunk.

Jeez, who are you showing off for?

At this moment, Chelsea is in
the same house as her ex-husband.

- Why?
- His mother died.

Oh, my apologies. Clearly,
anything you do at this point is justified.

- No, it's not.
- I was being disingenuous.

- What?
- Sarcastic.

You know, this is why Mom
gets pissed off at you so much.

Look, Charlie, do what you want.

If you can live with yourself,
more power to you.

If I could live with myself, we'd be
having this conversation by telephone.

See, him, I understand.

Charlie, bed, now, come.

Succinct, ain't she?

Does "succinct" mean
what I think it means?

I highly doubt it.


Right here, baby.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, why?

Never mind.

Come on, come on,
let's get you into bed.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you remember
when we were in vegas...

...I talked that cute waitress
into joining us?

- Yeah, I do.
- I saw her last week at the Hard Rock.

- No kidding.
- She gained a lot of weight.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, we were lucky.

We nailed her
right before she quit smoking.

Listen, Wanda...

She does smell better though.

- I'm sure, but listen, I...
- Like Fritos.

You know what?
I gotta check on something.

Well, is it okay if I start without you?

Top drawer, nightstand.
Take your pick.

- Ooh.
- Careful. The big one's a flashlight.

That was fast.

I'm guessing.

You're right, I'm a sleazeball.

Don't tell me you actually had
a moral epiphany.

- Uh, "epiphany" means...
- Don't bother.

I don't know what you call it...

...but I've got a gorgeous, willing girl
in my bed, and I'm just not interested.

Maybe you're a gay sleazeball.

I'll tell you what's going on.
You care about Chelsea too much... cheapen your relationship
with a meaningless one-night stand.

You're right, I do care about Chelsea.
I'm crazy about her.

Boy, that sucks.

Hello? Oh, hey, Chelsea.

- We were just...
- Give me that.

Hey, baby, what's going on?

He did?

At his own mother's funeral?

Her ex-husband put the moves on her.

What a sleazeball.

No, no, no, don't blame yourself.

You were right to go to the funeral.


Well, I... I... I'd love to see you tonight.

Isn't it a little late to drive
all the way from Santa Barbara?

Oh, you're already on the road.

Oh, that close?


Drive safe.

Crap, crap, crap.

Crap, crap, crap.

Remember when I was little,
if someone said "crap"...

...they had to put a dollar in a jar?

I do.

Whatever happened to all that money?

Wanda, don't take this the wrong way,
but you gotta get the hell out of here.

Come on, chop-chop.



Oh, darn.

So the car's a time machine?

Yeah, it's called a DeLorean.

They don't make them anymore.

Crap, crap, crap.

- Help. I need help.
- What happened? What's wrong?

Wanda passed out,
and Chelsea's on her way over.

Interesting story about the DeLorean.

It was built by John DeLorean...

Are you not listening?
I've got an emergency here.

A dead girl in your bed
is an emergency.

A passed-out girl is a dinner date.

I don't understand
why it's called Back to the Future.

They're stuck in the past
and they have to get back...


Oh, for God's sake, come on.

My girlfriend's on her way
and I've got a half-naked broad.

Half-naked? I'm your man.

Sit down.

Have you tried waking her up?

Well, of course I've tried waking her up.
This is not my first drunk bimbo.

So, what do you expect us to do?

Help me get her dressed,
drive her home.

Enough talk. Let's get to it.

I said, sit down.

- Where does she live?
- I have no idea.

- How am I suppose to drive her home?
- Do I have to think of everything?

- Just help me.
- All right.

- Wow.
- Oh, and I'm a sleazeball?

You're misreading my "wow. "

I meant, "Wow, what a predicament. "

Yeah, right.

Hold her up, I'll put her dress on.

Okay. She's very fit.

- Hold her arms up.
- Really soft skin.

- Uh-huh.
- Mm. Smells nice too.

Why don't you put
a chloroform-soaked handkerchief...

...over her face and throw her
in the back of your panel van?

Sounds like a waste of chloroform,
doesn't it?

- You get her head, I'll get her feet.
- Why do you get her feet?

- What difference does it make?
- I like feet.

Just get her head.

Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

Oh, oh, oh, goodness.

Slowly, slowly.

Slowly my ass.

- Come on, let's get her out of here.
- Charlie, you're going too... oh, oof.

Goodness gracious, these are real.

Slowly, slowly.

Quickly, quickly.

Hi, baby. Come on in.

Oh, Charlie,
you were so right about Alex.


Oh, yeah, Alex.

What a sleazeball.
Can I get you something to drink?

I just want to get in bed
and hold you.

Oh, boy, does that sound good.

- Let me say good night to Jake.
- I'll meet you upstairs.

You know what,
why don't you come say good night too?


Well, you're my girlfriend...

...and he's my nephew,
and isn't that enough?

Hey, Jake...

Might wanna hang back a sec.
I just ripped off an air biscuit.

- What?
- I farted.

Sorry, I get the fancy words
from my dad.

Chelsea and I
just wanted to say good night.


He keeps his feelings bottled up.

Everything else
he shoots into the atmosphere.

- Hi, Chelsea.
Hey, Alan.

- Uh, sorry about your ex-mother-in-law.
- Thank you.

Hey, Jake,
I could really use your help.

- With what?
- I'm taking out the...

I'm taking out the trash.

What are you talking about?

The trash, I'm taking it out...

...and I could use your help
carrying it.

Oh, so now you want my help.

Yes, now I want your help.

What about the 20 bucks
you owe me?



Is the trash still out
where you can see it?

Never mind.

- Just go help your father.
- Fine.

- Nice seeing you, Chelsea.
- Good night.

I could have said 50, couldn't I?

You could have said a hundred.

Can we please go to bed now?

Beds are for amateurs.

Ooh, Charlie.

What if Jake comes back?

We'll breathe through our mouths.

She really does look familiar.

Terrific. Just don't drop her.

I can't wait
to tell my friends about this.

You're not telling anybody.

What's the point of doing it
if I can't tell?

You've got 20 bucks and a memory,
now shut up.

Okay, we've gotta get her in the car.

- Want me to pull it around?
- I don't want you to pull it around.

Okay, you pull it around,
and I'll stay here with her.

Be very careful.

Come on, let's finish this upstairs.

Move, move, move.

- Chelsea, wait.
- What?

I'm so happy you're back.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Alan.

- Is the trash out?
- Almost.

Almost ain't gonna cut it.

Did you at least clean out my room?

Yes, I did.

Good, good.

Okay, well, good night.

Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec?

- About what?
- Um...


I'm not quite sure what to do
with the big jugs.

Oh, honey, why don't you go up,
and I'll be right there?

- Hurry.
- I will.

First you need to separate
the plastic from the glass.

Then when you get to...
What the hell is your problem?

She's in Jake's room.

- What am I supposed to do?
- I don't know.

Here's my credit card.
Take her to a hotel.

Okay. Chain motel or someplace nicer?

- What?
- You know, room service, ocean view.

That way, when she regains
consciousness, she won't feel so cheap.

Plus, in the nicer places,
you have a free continental breakfast.

Assorted pastries,
freshly squeezed orange juice...

I know what
a continental breakfast is.

- Just get her the hell out of here.
- Okay, fine.

Oh, Charlie.

- What?
- I'm a little low on gas.

- Use the card.
- Right, right.

- What?

- I'm happy you're trying to make it work.
- Go.

What the hell are you doing?

You said I could have a memory.
This is it.

- Give me the phone.
- Oh, good idea.

I can't get us both in the frame.

Can you make it look like
we're talking?

- Forget the picture, bring the car around.
- Shouldrt someone stay with Wanda?

Yeah, but it shouldn't be you.

- Give me the keys.
- You said I could pull it around.

- I changed my mind.
- Okay, I'll tell Mom about Wanda.

One ding, one scratch,
and you're dead.

Dude, mellow out.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.

Hey, look, it's me.

I'm glad you came back.

- I don't like it when you're gone.
- I don't like it when I'm gone either.

Oh, here they are.

Funny story.

- Take her head, I'll take her feet.
- Why do you get to take her feet?

Because I'm in charge of this operation,
and I like feet.


I guess we don't have to take her
to a hotel, huh?

No, we don't.

- Get in the car.
- Where are we going?

Anywhere we want.
We've got Uncle Charlie's credit card.