Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 17 - Fish in a Drawer - full transcript

Parody of "CSI" in which a body is found in Charlie's bed, and detectives try to figure out who is the killer.

It's hard to believe after all these years,
we've got a new stepdad.

I give it six months.

Come on, we like Teddy.

That's why I'm only giving it six months.
I'm rooting for him.

Still, you have to admit,
it was a beautiful ceremony.

The bride and groom, the sun setting.

The dead butterflies.

Remind me to call the butterfly people
first thing Monday.

What are you doing?


We don't eat from the cake
until we cut the cake.

But I'm still hungry.

Have some cheese.

Have we cut the cheese?

Get it?

Hey, stepbrother.

Change your mind
about wanting to marry me?

Not at all.

Wanna go upstairs and get a head start
on our honeymoon?

You keep rubbing against me...

...I'll be able to catch my
mom's garter without my hands.

- Charlie.
- What?

At your mother's wedding?


I ain't cleaning it up.

Boy, this is pretty kinky.

Kinky good or kinky bad?

There's a kinky bad?

Watch your elbow.

That's not my elbow.


It's not that either.


This is awkward.

Daddy, are you okay?

- What's wrong with him?
- I don't know.


This might be a mood breaker.

So are you a friend of the bride
or the groom?

Well, the bride is my mother, so...

The groom.

Hey, how do you like my house?

Oh, it's beautiful.

- Alan, I have to talk to you.
- Go away. I've got a shot here.

No, you don't.

- Come upstairs with me.
- Why?

Just come on.

Be right back.

Friend of the bride
or friend of the groom?

Friend of mine.

Oh, my God.

Is he...?

As a doorknob.

- Doorbell?
- Doornail.

He's dead.

I can't believe he's gone.

Courtney, I'm so sorry.

So he was just lying there
with his pants down?

Apparently somebody was giving him
a very special wedding present.

- Mom?
- I don't think so.

She's downstairs
acting as if nothing happened.

And more importantly,
she married the guy.

Why would she bother?

Your mother's looking for you guys.

What's going on?

Teddy's dead.

Yeah, that's a stiffy.

We have got a real problem here.

What do you mean "we"?

Oh, this is just gonna suck.

Thank you, thank you. Now, this
next song you may remember...

...from the hit movie Ghost.


Mom, we gotta talk to you.


It's about Teddy.

Where is he?
This is supposed to be a duet.

Yeah, well, from now on, I'm afraid
you're gonna be working alone.

You son of a bitch.

So you weren't the one who was...?

Of course not.
I already married the man.

I just can't believe he'd cheat on me
on our wedding day.

Excuse me,
my father is lying here dead.

With his pants around his ankles
and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Oh, my, what happened in here?

Berta, my husband is dead.

As a doornail.

Has anybody called the cops?

You might wanna consider it...

...because you only got a limited window
before he starts stinking up the joint.

I'll make the calls.

- No, Mom, you don't have to.
- Yes, I do.

I'm his wife.

Now, please, would you all just
give me a moment alone with him?

- Of course.
- Sure, Mom.

So who do you suppose
was smoking Teddy's sausage?

Berta, that is my father in there.


So who do you suppose
was smoking your father's sausage?

Oh, Teddy.

My dear, dear Teddy.


This is Evelyn Harper Leopold.

I booked my honeymoon with you.


Two business-class tickets to Paris.

I need to exchange them
for one first-class ticket to Fiji.

Sure, I'll hold.

This is a crime scene,
so you're just gonna have to be patient.

We'll need statements from
each of you before you can leave.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that
there's a lesson to be learned here.

Life is precious and no one really knows
how long we've got.

So it's important to be grateful
for each day.

So if they're not gonna cut the cake,
can I have some now?

Aren't you full?


Take a look at his pants.

The belt is buckled on an unworn hole.

Someone re-dressed him.

Any of you touch the body?


We've got some peri-mortem
ecchymosis on the posterior occiput.

That means a bruise
on the back of the head.

And yet you still couldn't get
into medical school.

So much for time of death.

Looks like our boy here had some
sexual activity before he bought it.

Hit the light.
I'm gonna check for semen.

My God.

It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.

- Coffee?
- Thanks.

- So Mr. Harper...
- Call me Charlie.

- And you are?
- Interested in how you found the body.

Oh, right to it, huh?

Okay, well, what have you heard?

That's not how we do this.

You tell me what happened.

All right.

I went upstairs to use the bathroom
and there he was.

Oh, no.


So you're saying you were alone
when you found him?

Well, technically aren't we all alone?

You know, I'm finding that tank top
awfully distracting.

Is that police issue?

Mr. Harper, are you aware...

...that making a false statement
to the police is a crime?

Slap-on-the-wrist crime...

...or pack-my-bags-and-tape-my-butt-shut

Hey, I like it when it's gift-wrapped.

Okay, okay, I wasn't alone.
I was with Courtney.

- Why'd you lie?
- Oh, come on.

I was trying to nail my stepsister
at my mother's wedding.

Lying seemed the classy way to go.

Did you touch the body?

I was all over her body.

Oh, you mean Teddy?

No, no, no.
Not after I knew he was there.

Who do you suppose
pulled up his pants?

Are you thinking whoever pulled
them up is the one who killed him?

It's crossed our minds.

Oh, gee,
I don't wanna implicate anybody.

Right now,
the only one implicated is you.

Talk to my mother.

What is that? Nondairy creamer?

Just take me to the green mile
and be done with it.

That's all we've got.

Please, this place is crawling with cops.
One of them can't make a Starbucks run?

- Mrs. Harper...
- Mrs. Leopold.

Mrs. Leopold.

Did you touch your husband's body
before the police arrived?

All right, yes, I pulled up his pants.

- Why?
- Because it was embarrassing.

There was lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

- Your lipstick?
- Oh, God, no.

I'd rather drink your coffee.

So he was with another woman?

Not necessarily.

Do you have another theory
for where the lipstick came from?

Have you ruled out clowns?

You should check
for really big footprints.

Okay, he was with another woman.

- I imagine that made you pretty angry.
- I don't get angry. I get even.

I mean, what are you insinuating?

I'm insinuating that maybe
you caught him in the act.

- Evie.
- You cheating bastard.

Evie, I can explain.

Evie, I can explain.

I can explain.

And Paris for two becomes Fiji for one.

We checked your phone records.

Listen, let me tell you something.

I loved that man and he loved me.

In fact, he loved me so much,
he didn't even ask for a prenup.

And believe me, he's got money.
Big money.

Well, we don't have to look very hard
to find a motive for you, do we?

I'm warning you,
coffee tends to shoot through me.

So if you've got a cavity search
planned, you better do it pretty quick.

We don't need to do a cavity search.

Can I request one?

What do you know
about Teddy Leopold?

I know he was hot for me.

He was always flirting.

Berta, this is mom's boyfriend, Teddy.
Teddy, my housekeeper Berta.

- A pleasure.
- It could be if you play your cards right.

You can't blame him.

You gotta figure that boinking Evelyn
is like riding a bicycle over train tracks.

You'll get where you're going,
but you're gonna feel every bump.

- How's the hot chocolate?
- Good. I like the powdered stuff...

...because there's always something
to chew on when you get to the bottom.

- You got any donuts?
- Nope.

- Danish?
- Nope.


Look, Jake, what I wanna know is...

...were you in your uncle's room
at any time today?

- No, I never go in my uncle's room.
- Why not?

Because all the skin mags
are in my dad's room.

Okay, let me just start out by saying
I know about the illegal left-turn ticket.

And I've been meaning
to take care of it...

...but, you know, business has been
slow, and bills just keep coming.

Of course I don't have to tell you that.

Our law enforcement personnel
are underpaid.

Thank you for the coffee, by the way.

Cops and truck drivers, you know
your coffee. Am I going to jail?

Tell me about you
and Teddy Leopold.

Oh, I loved Teddy.
He was like a father to me.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, yeah.

He took me to Vegas,
brought me a hooker.

Would any of you gentlemen
like a date?

Sorry, doll, I'm taken.

But I wouldn't mind
footing the bill for my two boys here.

Hi, I'm Amber.

I'm Tiffany.

- Thanks, Daddy.
- Thanks, Daddy.

A hooker?

And gelato.

- You got my blessing, Teddy.
- Shut up and eat your gelato.

So you were happy
he married your mother?

Are you kidding? I was thrilled.

I planned the wedding.
And it went great.

The reception not so much.

Why, what happened?

The groom died.


Do you need to write that down?

Any idea
who might have wanted him dead?

No, no, everybody loved Teddy.

And he was so good to my mom.

It's a shame
she has to bury another husband.

Another husband?

Yeah, well, she's, you know,
had a bit of bad luck... the dead spouse department.

Not that you can have good luck
in the dead spouse department.

Can I have some more coffee?

Who ratted me out? Was it Alan?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Either one of them would throw me
under a bus for an Eskimo Pie.

We'd just like to know
about your late husbands.

All right. There's not much to tell.

Charlie and Alan's father
died of food poisoning.

Where'd he get the food?

I was a young bride.
I was just learning to cook.

And nobody told me
you don't keep fish in a drawer.

All right, what about the others?

Oh, the usual.

Couple of heart attacks,
a bathtub electrocution.

Why are you grilling me?

I'm not the one who was
fighting with him over money.

Who was?

I don't understand
why you won't help.

We've been through this.
I'm not gonna keep bailing you out.

- But, Daddy, l...
- Don't "But Daddy" me.

What am I to do?
Live on the street?

You're supposed to live
within your means.

I want a lawyer.

Tall soy latte, no foam.

can't drink this cop swill anymore.

- Mom, they told us to wait here.
- Well, that's why I'm sending Jake.

Think of it as job training, dear.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Alan.

I'm not the one
who's got a husband...

...with someone else's lipstick
on his dipstick.

Has anybody seen Courtney?

She's talking to her attorney.

Why does she need an attorney?

GC mass spec analysis revealed
that the lipstick pigment on the body...

...matches lipstick she was wearing.
- Wait.

- Courtney with her own father?
- Not according to their DNA.

- They're not even related.
- What?

- You're kidding.
- They're con artists, grifters.

Wanted in half a dozen states.

His real name is Nathan Krunk
and she is Sylvia Fishman.

That can't be right.

I was gonna marry her.

- What?
- What?

We were gonna surprise you,
but I guess that ship has sailed.

They've got a record of marital fraud.

They pick out marks
with more money than brains...

...and then take them down the aisle.

You're just gonna
turn your back on me?

- Don't be such a drama queen.
- You know what, forget it.

- I'm out of here.
- Courtney, don't be like that.

But I don't understand.

Teddy didn't need money.
He was a very wealthy man.

And I practically had to force Courtney
to take my $50,000.

But what about his lifestyle?

The private jet, the trips to Vegas?

Bad checks, stolen credit cards.

The reason he didn't want a prenup
is so he could get your money.

But then why would Courtney
kill her own partner?

She didn't.

They were going at it hot and heavy
and his heart gave out.

Yeah, I can see that happening.

What threw us off at first was
the bruising on the back of his head.

Then autopsy revealed
that had happened roughly 48 hours...

...before time of death.

Still up to get together,
so give me a call.

I'm just sitting at home,
reading a book.

That hurts.

Wanna switch?

Yeah, let's try banging
your head for a while.

I don't believe it.

She used me, she scammed me,
she took my money.

- Courtney.
- What?

I'll wait for you.

Got a postcard from the black widow.

No kidding.

- How's her honeymoon going?
- Pretty good apparently.

She's already met
a wealthy real-estate investor.

I gotta admit, the woman's got spirit.

No matter what life throws at her,
she always lands on her back.

What's the matter?

- Oh, Jake.
- Oh, God.

That was a good one, wasn't it?