Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 18 - If My Hole Could Talk - full transcript

Got your homework done?

-All of it?
-Yep.

Attaboy.
You just get to kick back this weekend.

That's my plan.

Except. . .?

Except nothing.

Well, excuse me.

-Oh, yeah.
-There it is.

I might have to write
a book report for Monday.

What do you mean you might have to?

If there's no earthquake
by Monday morning. . .



. . .I have to write a book report.

Oh, God. So, what's the book?

William Shakespeare's
The Taming Of The Shrew.

By William Shakespeare.

That'll come in handy when he's mopping
out the toilets at the House of Pancakes.

You know,
I could go for some pancakes.

Jake, please tell me you read the book.

I really wish I could, Dad.

I was gonna read it, but I can't find it.

You lost the book?

What do you intend to do
about the report?

You mean aside from the earthquake?

Yeah.

Well, I kind of put all my eggs
in the earthquake basket.



Get dressed. We're going to the store.

-Well, can we stop for pancakes?
-Go.

I bet you're sorry you took
all that LSD before you had him.

I never took any LSD.

You might wanna start
telling people you did.

Unbelievable. You had four weeks
to write this book report.

Get over it, Dad.

Yeah, Alan. Relax.

He'll have eight weeks
of summer school to do it.

Unless there's an earthquake.

Excuse me, could you tell me
where the classic literature section is?

-Third floor near the restroom.
-Thank you.

Go ahead. I'm gonna look at magazines.

They don't sell those kinds of magazines
here. I checked.

Come on, you little perv.
Meet me back here.

Wait, was that an earthquake?

Can I help you find anything?

Yeah, I'm looking for a book.

You probably need more than that.

I want a book about,
you know, relationship stuff.

Relationship stuff.

No, not "relationship stuff,"
just relationship stuff.

In the self-help section.

-Thanks.
-Best of luck.

This is worse than buying condoms.

Okay, let's see.

" Why Relationships Fail. "

"Smart Women, Foolish Choices. "

Thank God for those gals.

-Excuse me.
-Sorry.

Oh, "Embracing Your Soul Mate. "

Oh, "soul mate. "
I thought it was "cellmate. "

You know, a prison love story?

I see.

Not that I'm into prison love stories.

I like the girls-in-prison stuff.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm looking for some help, okay?

You're not alone. There are
millions of people looking for help.

Gee, thanks for making me feel special.

Let me ask you something.

What would you change about yourself
if you could?

-I don't know, little things, I guess.
-Like what?

Well,
I guess I'd like to be a little happier.

Maybe find a way to sustain
a healthy relationship with a woman. . .

. . .so I don't,
you know, grow old and die alone. . .

. . .incontinent and unloved.

Yes, the little things.

Can I recommend a book for you?

Well, as long as I'm here.

"Breaking Barriers:
Finding The Intimacy You Deserve. "

I don't know.
I was hoping to do better than I deserve.

Give it a chance.
I hear it's helped a lot of people.

For 25 bucks, it better wash my car.

Wait a minute, is this you?

Armor All's extra.

-Cool. Will you sign it for me?
-Oh, I'd be happy to. What's your name?

-Charlie.
-Okay.

Great.

Now, that it's autographed,
I'm not a loser, I'm a collector.

Here you go.

"To Charlie, reading a self-help book
doesn't make you less of a man. "

Okay, back to loser.

You're not a loser.

Like most men,
you're just afraid to be vulnerable.

Excuse me, but what sane person
wants to be vulnerable?

If you're not vulnerable,
you can't feel anything.

Yeah, and?

Read the book.

Wait.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

-Why?
-I'd like to talk to you some more.

Are you still gonna buy the book?

I have to. You wrote all over it.

-Then sure, why not?
-Great.

If I give you the money,
will you pay for it?

I don't need any more sympathy
from the help.

What's a shrew anyway?

Oh, it's a small rodent.

Oh, so this is like Stuart Little?

No, no, it's about a man
trying to control a willful, angry woman.

Is he trying to control her with rodents?

I don't wanna spoil it for you.

Let's just find your Uncle Charlie
and get out of here.

Excuse me, have you seen a guy,
dark hair, bowling shirt, shorts?

Oh, yeah, the self-help guy.

No, that doesn't sound like him.

A guy like that just left
with a pretty blond woman.

That sounds like him.

Dad, this is the wrong book.

-What are you talking about?
-It's in some sort of foreign language.

It's Elizabethan.

Well, can we get one in English?

Walk.

How could you
have already lost the book?

I didn't do it on purpose.
What are you yelling at me for?

Because it's one of the few pleasures
of being your father.

-Oh, look who's here. Thanks a lot.
-What did I do?

You stranded us at the mall.
We had to take the bus.

The bus, I left the book on the bus.
There, mystery solved.

Go get in the car.

-Where are we going?
-Where do you think we're going?

Well, we never did get those pancakes.

We're going to the bookstore
to buy another book.

-This one's coming out of your allowance.
-What allowance?

-I'm supposed to be getting an allowance?
-Go get your shoes.

-Did you guys feel that?
-Move it.

So guess what.

I'm gonna transform my life
and get the intimacy I deserve.

Fantastic.

You work on that while
I go back to the mall with taterhead.

Not only that,
I met the author and she's amazing.

-The woman you dumped us for?
-Yeah, know what she told me?

No idea.

She told me that my fear of being hurt
keeps me from feeling anything at all.

It's like I'm living in an emotional prison
that I built myself.

How about that? You abandoned us.

I know, but get this.

I'm not just a prisoner, I'm the warden.

We had to take two buses and walk a mile
on the Pacific Coast Highway. . .

. . .during rush hour.

I get it. I understand.

But the good news is
I hold the keys to my own freedom.

There's no sidewalk
on the Pacific Coast highway.

Okay, okay, I hear you.

You're angry and resentful.

But what you need to understand. . .

. . .is that resentment is the mortar that
holds the bricks of loneliness together. . .

. . .in a wall of alienation and despair.

Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall. "

Bite me.

That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book
entitled Bite Me.

Chapter 2 is called,
"Kiss My Pale White Ass. "

-We can't go back to the mall.
-Why not?

My shoes are missing.

Another mystery solved.

Wrong foot, buddy.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Guess I should be reading
Taming of the Shoe.

Get it?

You might wanna start thinking
about having him neutered.

This is delicious.

I've never had Ethiopian food before.

I've loved it
ever since I lived in Ethiopia.

When did you live there?

Let's see.

It would have to be 1972.

1972? Were you born there?

Don't be silly. This was right after college.
I was in the Peace Corps.

College, 1972.

Need a pencil?

No, no, no.

I was just thinking
what I was doing in 1972.

Oh, tell me.

I don't have a vivid memory of it. . .

. . .but I'm sure that's the year
I graduated to the big-boy potty.

It was quite a year for both of us.

So are you still using
that college degree?

Because I'm still using
the big-boy potty.

You're used to going out
with younger women, aren't you?

Well, I don't really think about age
as much as I think about personality. . .

. . .and, you know,
chemistry and education, family values.

All right, young and dumb,
you got me.

I'm not judging you, Charlie. You're a man
and you know what you want.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing?

Nothing.

You are fine just the way you are.

-I am?
-Of course, you are.

If I called my mother now,
would you tell her that?

You don't think she knows?

As far as she's concerned. . .

. . .the last thing I did right
was evacuate her uterus.

Oh, you poor thing. That's awful.

It is, isn't it?

Every little boy
needs to feel loved and nurtured.

Otherwise, he grows up with a hole
inside him that he can never fill.

Oh, I have got such a big hole.

If my hole could talk.

You've got a little something
right here.

I'll get it.

-There we go.
-Thanks.

You know what?

I like you.

Well, I like you too, Charlie.

Try the Yemiser Kik Wat.

Looks kind of yucky.

Well, don't look at it. Just taste it.

Oh, come on, just one bite. For me?

Okay.

Hey, it's good.

I told you.

Oh, excuse me.
Could I get another napkin?

So, what do they have for dessert?

Well, Charlie,
thank you for a lovely evening.

You're welcome.

Can I kiss you good night?

Do you usually ask permission?

Well, no.

Then why are you asking now?

I don't know.
I don't wanna get in trouble.

Okay, I'm in trouble.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I heard something.

It's okay. Jeremy, this is Charlie.

-Charlie, this is my son, Jeremy.
-Hey, man.

-How are you?
-How's it going?

I didn't mean to interrupt.
I dropped in to fix your computer.

I'll leave you two alone.
Charlie, good meeting you.

Same here.

So that's your son?

-How old is he?
-Thirty-two.

They're cute at that age.

-Hey.
-What?

You're supposed
to be finishing your report.

I know, but I can't find the book.

You're kidding. We just bought it.

What can I say, Dad?

It's a big house and a little book.

Find the book.

-I'm really tired.
-Find the book.

Just saying it won't make it happen.

Find the book!

Heads up. He's losing it.

I should have put frosting
on the damn book.

He's never lost anything
with frosting on it.

I don't know why you continue
to bang your head against the wall.

The kid's obviously destined to sell
tube socks out of the trunk of his car.

A business of his own.

Gee, that'd be swell.

-So how was your date?
-Terrific.

-Then why are you home so early?
-Well, turns out she has a kid.

Single mom, huh?

Yeah.

That's what she is, single mom.

-How old?
-Thirty-two.

-I meant the kid.
-So did I.

You're kidding.

If she's got a 32-year-old kid
that would make her--

Don't do the math, please.

It all goes south
when you do the math.

Come on, so you're dating
an older woman. It's no big deal.

That's it?
You're not gonna give me a hard time?

Don't be silly.
I'm more evolved than that.

Well, good.

Just a gigolo
Everywhere I go

People know the part
I'm playing

I guess I'm not.

Look, this is a spectacular woman. . .

. . .and it doesn't matter in the least
how old she is.

Please. You can't even tolerate age spots
on a banana.

Okay, okay, first of all, on a banana,
spots are an indication of mushiness.

And second,
I haven't peeled this woman yet.

In the freezer?

-Jake.
-I found it, I'm reading.

It's really cool.

-For God's sake.
-Hey, I was reading that.

You're writing a report
on The Taming of The Shrew...

. . .not the voyages of Cap'n Crunch.

Too bad.
I could write the crap out of that.

Okay, I'm not fooling around here.

You're gonna finish this damn book
and write the damn report. . .

. . .you're gonna hand it in Monday,
spell-checked. . .

. . .formatted and on freaking time.

I have my doubts, Dad.

-Read.
-Fine.

Listen to this.

"A sleeve? 'Tis like a demi-cannon:

What! up and down,
carv'd like an apple-tart?"

All I get from this is
"blah, blah, blah, apple tart. "

Have we got any apple tarts?

-Hi.
-Hi.

Good.

I was afraid that first kiss
might have been a fluke.

Well, I don't know about you,
but that was not my first kiss.

Come on in.

Wow, what a beautiful home.

Thank you.

How much of it do you wanna see?

This'll be enough for today.

Understood. Let's hit the road.

Aren't you gonna take a jacket?

I'm okay, don't need one.

-It gets cool in Santa Barbara, Charlie.
-I'll be fine.

Please. If you don't need it,
you can leave it in the car.

All right.

-Take a look around.
-Thanks, I will.

Oh, hi, you must be Angie.

I'm Alan, Charlie's brother.

Oh, of course, hi.
Oh, what a firm handshake.

Oh, well, no one trusts
a chiropractor with limp hands.

Oh, you're a chiropractor?

Hang on.
I could have gotten into medical school.

I didn't wanna spend
four years in South America.

-No, no, I'm a big fan of chiropractics.
-You're kidding.

No, I think you people
are miracle workers.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Did you put on sun block?

I don't need sun block.

Oh, honey, I think you do.

You have beautiful skin.
I don't wanna see it get burned.

You're right, thanks.

So anyway, you were saying something
about me being a miracle worker?

Oh, God, yes.
I threw my back out last year skiing.

-My chiropractor just about saved my life.
-That's what we do, you know.

We're not flashy, we don't get,
you know, special license plates. . .

. . .so we can park
wherever the hell we want.

You know,
nobody makes TV shows about us.

Or calls us McDreamy
or McSteamy or McMuffin.

We just quietly go about
the business of healing.

-I know, I know.
-Thank you, thank you.

I only wish more people appreciated us.

You can't worry about
what people think.

I know, but the lack of respect
really hurts, you know.

Back-cracker, spine-cruncher,
quack, charlatan, witch doctor. . .

-Alan.
-. . .voodoo priest, fraud, failure.

Hey, hey.

Know what we call people
who say those things?

My family?

We call them damaged.

They need to hurt others
to feel better about themselves.

Exactly, the reason
I don't feel better about myself. . .

. . .is I'm not good enough
at hurting them back.

Oh, no, you don't wanna do that.

Yeah, I kind of do.

Alan, you need to ignore the negativity
and open yourself up. . .

. . .to the nurturing love
that's all around you.

-Love is all around me?
-Yes.

Is it hiding
behind the loathing and rejection?

Honey, I am loving you right now.

-Really?
-Yes, really.

Thank you.

You are a wonderful,
valuable human being.

I am?

Yes, you are.

I see you're getting to know
my brother.

Isn't this beautiful country?

Yeah, it's swell.

Angie, if you like antiquing,
I know some great little shops.

-I'm not going antiquing.
-Oh, that's okay.

Angie and I will peel off
and you can sit in the park and drink.

Are there any game arcades
in Santa Barbara?

You won't have time.
You have a book to read.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot it.

That's okay.
We can stop at a bookstore.

Oh, gee,
we don't want to ruin your afternoon.

Hey, we invited you.
We want you with us.

-Right, Charlie?
-No.

Oh, don't be that way.

I tell you what, after we get Jake's book,
we'll stop and get ice cream.

Yes.