Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 18 - It Never Rains in Hooterville - full transcript

Alan feels the pangs of fatherhood disappearing as Jake grows, and contemplates his future with Kandi, who is contemplating on a new career move.

Help me out here, doc.

I need a time of death.

Sorry, lieutenant, but I can't
give you an official T.O.D.

Until I get her on the slab.

But based on hypostatic
lividity and degree of rigor,

I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms
pierced right around halftime.

- Real?
- Real.

Anything else?

Left-handed assailant,
used a single-edged blade,

multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma.

So how are we gonna find this psychopath?

Well, like our killer, we'll just
have to... take a stab at it.

That's it.

So, you think I'll get the part?

Uh, well, I for one totally buy you
as a brilliant forensic investigator.

Thanks, but I believe
it's pronounced fornesic.

What do you think, charlie?


I mean... beyond belief.

That's sweet.

I mean...

I just don't believe it.

You made your point, charlie.

Do you like what I did with the glasses?

On, smart... off, hot.

My mind is just completely blown.

So when are you gonna be on tv?

I have to pass the audition first.

Let's not put the cart before the whores.


Maybe a little.

I've been rehearsing all day.

What's the name of the show?

- Stiffs.
- Stiffs?

You know, like dead bodies.

Oh, right.Sure.

I know what you were thinking.

Well, I better go.

The audition's at 4:00 and I still
have to get my tan sprayed on.

Best of luck.

It has nothing to do with luck, Alan.

You just have to stand still and
keep your eyes and mouth closed.

No, I meant... never mind.

Knock 'em dead at the audition.

Thanks. And thanks for lending
me your chiropractor coat.

Makes me feel like a real doctor.

Now you know why Alan wears it.

Okay, well, uh, tell me how it goes.

I will.

Oh, and by the way.

Did you get the divorce papers?

Not really, but my lawyer
explained them to me.Bye.

The-they need to be signed.


Hey, what's your hurry?

If she becomes a big tv star
while you're still married,

she'll have to pay you alimony.

Yeah, and if pigs start
flying out of my rear end,

we'll have free bacon for
the rest of our lives.

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

Two And A Half Men
Season 4 Episode 18

Isn't anybody gonna get that?

- Jake?
- Yeah?

What are you doing?

Hanging posters.

Did you consider using scotch tape?

It doesn't hold as well.

Especially her.

Who is that?


She's the north American
ladies' wrestling champ.

Aha. All oiled up and ready to... wrestle.

Damn it! This isn't funny!

Quick little bastards.

What happened to your harry potter posters?

I'm not a kid anymore, dad.

You don't have to be a kid
to like harry potter.

You want it, take it.

Aw, harry.

You crumpled harry.

You remember when we got this?


Oh, come on, we stood on line
outside that bookstore at midnight

to get one of the first copies?

You were dressed as harry and
I was dressed as Dumbledore.

I don't remember, dad.

Sure you do.

You made fun of that other kid 'cause

he had a flying mop instead
of a broom, and, uh,

he started crying and his
father punched me in the chest?


Yeah, well, you weren't the
one with the cracked rib.

Anyway, what, uh, what prompted you to...

redecorate like this?

I don't know, I like cars and wrestling.

And wet t-shirts, apparently.

Oh, there is a wet t-shirt on that...

I hadn't noticed.

Jake's redecorating.

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, raven.

Those are fake, by the way.

- Charlie!
- What? He has a right to know.

I'm just glad the little guy's got me to...

wait a minute.

Are those nails in my wall?

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

That's your answer? No?


Charlie... charlie, come on.

For god's sake!

These are railroad spikes!

I'll putty over it.

That's not plaster board, that's stucco.

You can't just putty stucco.

I know, I'll fix it.

Let's just give him some privacy.

Wait, wait, wait.

At least I can take one
hammer out of his hand.

Jake, look at daddy.

Look at daddy.

Look at daddy.

Ah, that's my boy. Where's daddy?

Daddy's over here.

Wasn't he adorable?


Hey, could you rewind to
Judith breast-feeding him?

That was really adorable.

Especially the part where she
does the old switcheroo.

I miss that little boy.

Seems like only yesterday I
could hold him in one arm.

He didn't weigh more than
eight or nine pounds.

He craps more than that now.

Where did the time go?

His childhood is almost
over and there's still

so much stuff I want to do with him.

Like what?

You know, father-son stuff.

Pretty soon, there'll be no more
playing catch or riding bikes.

Do you realize I've never even taken
him fishing or camping or hunting?

Do you know how to fish or camp or hunt?

That's not the point.

I-I-I thought we would learn together.

Oh, that sounds good.

You and knucklehead out in the woods

taking turns shooting
each other in the ass.

Okay, it's not so much
about hunting, per Se.

Per Se. There's an outdoorsy phrase.

It's about bonding.

Before you know it, he'll have no
interest in spending time with me at all.

Not unless you grow boobs
and straddle a Harley.

All right, look.

It doesn't help to whine about it.

If you want to get lost in the woods
with jerky gherkinheimer, go do it.

My life is just one big
joke to you, isn't it?

Actually, it's more of a limerick.

There once was a moron named Al,
who wanted to camp with his pal...

any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

So, charlie, where's the wife and kid?

They went camping to do
some father-son bonding.

Alan: And when they looked at
the door handle of the car,

there was nothing there...

but a hook.

A hook? That makes no sense.

Oh, I left out a part.

Um, uh, okay, the guy who
escaped from the insane asylum

had lost his hand in some kind
of an industrial accident.

Anyway, they replaced it
with a sharp metal hook.

And it was said hook that was stuck
on the aforementioned door handle.

Dad, over the past three birthdays I've
gotten $175 in bookstore gift cards.

They're yours if we can just go home.

No, no, we're having fun.

Hey, I know... we'll sing a song.

On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese

come on, you used to love this one.

I lost my poor meatball when somebody
sneezed it rolled off the table and...

onto the floor!

Come on!

And then my poor meatball
rolled right out the door.

Oh, come on. We had an adventure.

- Dad...
- yeah, buddy?

Bite me.

You'll see. Someday you
and and I will look back

on this weekend and laugh and laugh...

I didn't say someday soon.

Hey, come on.

I thought you liked wet t-shirts.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Shut up.

Oh, come on, Alan. We both
know I can't do that.

What do you want me to say,
that it was a bad idea?

Okay, it was a bad idea.

And the only thing we bonded
over was our mutual discomfort

with pooping into a coffee can.

It wasn't chock full o' nuts, was it?

Sorry, sorry. Where's Jake?

He went back to his friends in hooterville.

Well, I can't blame him.

It never rains in hooterville.

Look, Alan, seriously, I'm,
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I know your heart was in the right place.

Thank you.

Now, I finished the limerick.
You want to hear it?

Too soon?

You don't get it.

You don't understand what it's like
to be a little boy's best friend,

to be someone he looks up to,

and then one day you turn around

and the only person he looks
up to is covered with baby oil

and nailed to the ceiling.

Count your blessings.

There's all kinds of pictures
that could have been up there.

Yeah, I guess.

It could have been the Moscow ballet.

I got it. Still,

I can't help but feel a
little empty inside,

like, like a chapter of my life is over.

So? You've still got
plenty to look forward to.

You mean, besides work,
loneliness and death?


There's memory loss...

impotence, adult diapers.

I'm all you've got, pal.


O my wives are gone, my son is
grown, but I'll always have you...

my brother.


Okay, now, I was just having
fun, but that was mean.

Well, when will he be back?

All right, tell him I called again.

Boy, some agent.

He never calls, he never returns my calls.

I'm almost sorry I let him feel me up.

I guess that's showbiz.

That's what he said.

Uh, listen, kandi...

I really thought they liked
me at that audition.

They had me read three times,
and then all the jumping jacks.

Jumping jacks?

It's an action series, alan.

They need to know that I'm fit.

Ah.Uh, listen, kandi, there's something
I wanted to talk to you about.

If it's about the divorce papers
I haven't signed them yet.

No, no, that's not why I'm here.

Um, sweetie, do you
remember why we split up?

The big reason or all the little reasons?

'Cause there were a lot
of little reasons, alan.

I know.

Like the way yd d
toenaienen grow all crazy.

- Right. Got it.
- And your ear hair and your nose hair.

And that one long hair on your back, yuck!

Wait, forget the little reasons.

Just, just the big one.

Yeah, you didn't want to
have a baby, and I did.

Right. Well, what would you
say if I were to tell you

that I've changed my mind about that?

- Really?
- Yeah,

I've just been thinking
that jake is almost grown

and there's still a lot
of daddy left in me.

So you want to have a baby?

Yes, I do.

A fresh start, a-a-a new chapter.

Wow, that's a big step.

Yeah, I know. I know it is.

So if you want to think about it...

no, that's okay. Let's make a baby.

Just like that?

Don't you want to talk about it some more?

Alan, it's practically all we
talked about our entire marriage.

Baby, baby, toenails, baby, ear
hair, baby, how clocks work, baby.

So... so you really want to do this?

Do what?

You see, if you use tape,
it's much easier to rotate

in new posters when these
ones stop working for you.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

Trust me.

After a while, these
beautiful eyes are gonna be

filled with judgment and conddnation.

What are you talking about?

Okay, maybe that was just me.

Anyway, you're lucky your dad
lets you hang posters like this.

I guess.

Does your mother let you?

No way.

So what do you got at her house,
a secret stash of magazines?

Just one. Playboy 1998,
the christmas issue.

God bless hugh hefner, huh?

God bless kimberly macadoo from
portland, oregon born march 4, 1979.

Sunshine and goatees.
Judgmental people and war.

Gotta love a chick who doesn't like war.

Tape me.

Hey, uncle charlie, could
you do me a favor?

If it's the favor I'm thinking of,

not until you're 18 and not in my house.


Nothing, nothing. What do you need?

Could you get my dad to lay
off the father-son stuff?

It's kinda lame.


You think it's lame your
father cares so much about

you he wants nothing more
than to be part of your life?


Look, you gotta understand what
your father's going through.

What do you mean?

Okay, here's the deal.

Your father has reached
a very difficult age.

It's confusing and a
little bit scary for him.

Scary how?

Well, first of all, his body's changing.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Hair is growing where
it's never grown before.

That is scary.

And then there's the hormones.


Yep, your father is running out of them.

Sounds bad.

No, no, it's just a perfectly
natural part of growing old, jake.

Is it happening to you?

No, no, no.

My point is that your
father is going through

this phase and you have to be
patient and understanding.

So he's gonna want to go camping again?

Probably not in this lifetime.

But you might have to play
catch with him or something.

Guess I could do that.

Atta boy.

All right, well, I'm glad
we had this little talk.

Now I'm gonna go get hammered.

: Hello, ladies, I'm harry potter.

Is there anything special we have to do?

Oh, no, no. It's just like regular sex,

but without all the last-minute
fumbling for a condom.

Oh, okay, but I still get all the
rest of the fumbling, right?

I prefer to call that foreplay.

Hold on.


This is she.

Uh-huh. Hold on a sec.

Here, we're divorced.

Okay, I'm back. You were saying?

Really? I got the part?

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Alan, I got the part.

Oh, that's terrific.


Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Put that thing away.

But I-I thought...

oh, please, nobody wants to see a
pregnant fornesic investigator.

Hey, can we still do it with a condom?

Hey, dad, after this,
want to go play catch?

It's dark out.

Okay. I tried.

Help me out here, doc.

I need a time of death for
our little cheerleader.

I can't give you an official T.O.D.

Until I get her on the slab.

But based on hypostatic
lividity and degree of rigor,

I'd say our cheerleader got her
pom-poms pierced right around halftime.

Anything else?

Left-handed assailant,
used a single-edge blade,

multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma.

So how are we gonna find this psychopath?

Well, like our killer, we'll
just have to take a stab at it.


They're real, you know.

I know, I was married to her.

Oh, yeah. Dawg!

You know what? I'll be in my room.

When are you guys going fishing?