Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 19 - Smooth as a Ken Doll - full transcript

Alan is ecstatic to go hand Judith her very last alimony check now she's about to marry Herb, but the groom's sister Mira, an economics teacher, is a match for the bitch driving both men to despair, so Alan insists the Harpers take her along to a family movie. Of course she hooks up with Charlie, who insists when Judith finally gets Mira to leave that she must stay in the beach-house, there gets unknown, deep feelings for her and seems to lose his taste for dumb, greedy one-night-stands. Well-known creaking bed-sounds soon prove Jake could have kept his room...


Oh, hey, Julia;
I was just on my way over.

Anything I need to bring?

Thai food, wine, batteries?

What do you mean, "Don't come"?

Gee, do you really think
your psychiatrist

is the best judge
of who you should sleep with?

Well, sure you could do better.

We could both do better.

But in the meantime,
I am on my way over.

Okay, okay, need
to stop you here.

There is a big difference

between "meaningless"
and "degrading."

You know what?

I think we just have
to agree to disagree.

Okay, then,
you have a nice life, too.

Why do these women
insist on getting well?

Hey, Alan...
Hang on, Charlie.

This is an
important moment,

and I want
to savor it.




What's the big deal?
It's just an alimony check.

Not an alimony check.

This is my final alimony check.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, wait.

Judith is getting married
this weekend.


And you know
what that means.

You can finally kick in
a few bucks around here?

Good one. No.

It means Alan gets
new underwear.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go pick up my son

and deliver this last drop
of blood money

to the former Mrs. Alan Harper

and soon-to-be
Mrs. Herb Melnick.

May God have
mercy on his soul.


So, you want
some company?

You want to come
with me?

Eh, why not?
I don't have
any plans.

You got stood up
again, didn't you?

I'm starting to think
all these girls

have the same
damn shrink.

All right, well, if you're
gonna come, grab your camera.

You can take some snapshots
of Pharaoh Judith

letting her Alan go.

Got the camera right here.

You carry it with you?

I thought I had a date.

Takes video, too.

I got to hand it to you,

Stopping at the copy place
was a great idea.

And the picture
will make a terrific
Christmas card.

Want to get
the door, Herb?!

Stop yelling at me!

I'm not yelling!

This is yelling!

You know what?
This really isn't that funny.

Oh, hi, Alan,


This a bad time?

The Spanish Inquisition
was a bad time.

This is hell.

Come in.

So what's going on?

A little pre-
wedding jitters?

You could call it that,

but we'd just
be sugar-coating hell.

Oh, don't worry.

As soon as Judith puts
on that beautiful
white gown

and starts marching
down that aisle...

She doesn't want
to wear white.

Says it makes
her look fat.

Oh, well, that's nice.

She wants to look
trim and fit

for the honeymoon.

You're sugar-coating
hell again, Alan.

If you really want
to help the guy,

stop talking and smother him
with a pillow.


Hey, there's the blushing bride.

She doesn't look fat
at all.

Go ahead.
Give her the check.

What check?

Oh, uh, well, I-I figured
as long as I was here,

that I would give you your last
and final alimony check.

Got it.

What the hell are you doing?

Just a little

I'll go find Jake.

See? She's being
a good sport.

Let's get one
withhe big check.

Forget the big check.

So, um, you know, um,
I-I read an interesting
story the other day.

Uh, married men
live, on average,

ten years longer
than single men.

What if they
don't want to?

Come on, you and Judith
were made for each other.

What could possibly
come between you?

My sister.

You got a sister?

Down, Charlie.

She came out a few days early
to help with the wedding,

but it's not really helping.

What does she look like?

She doesn't have
a therapist, does she?

Charlie, I swear to God!

So what do you think?

Should I wear it or have a vet
check it for worms?

No, no, it looks fine.

Oh, Myra, this is
Judith's first husband, Alan.

So how does this work?

Do you get your
original testicles back

or does my brother
give you his?

Myra, the castration jokes
are getting a little old.

Not in my house.

Myra, this is Alan's brother,

Oh, yeah, the booze-
riddled sleazebag.

She did not hear that from me.

It's not like it's a big secret.


where the hell is Jake?

How should I know?

Because I asked you
to get him ready to go
to his father's.

You also asked me to try on
this satin stool sample.

Herb, tell your sister
it's a lovely dress.

Herb, tell your fianc?e
the diet pills

are affecting her judgment
but not her ass.

That's it,
she's got to go.

I can't throw
out family!

And that's the
bitch of it, Herb.

Hey, um, Charlie and I

were thinking of taking
Jake out to a movie.

We were?
We were.

Myra, would you like
to join us?

You didn't say anything
about a movie.

I wanted to
surprise you.

Hey, you know what?
That's a great idea.

Go to a movie
with Alan and Charlie.

Can I wear my pretty new dress?

Get her out, Herb.

Hey, look what I found
in the bushes.

God, I hate
family movies.

What, you don't buy
the central premise

that a dog
can play hockey?

Well, not as a
power forward.

Oh. We're flying the
friendly skies, are we?

After you.

Why, thank you.

So, you're staying
at Judith's.


What does she
say about me?

Well, if she's telling
the truth,

we really shouldn't be drinking
out of the same cup.

That might be
the nicest thing

she's ever
said about me.

I just don't understand
what my brother sees in her.

You know, 15 years
ago I asked the exact
same question.

A little tip?

Don't do it during
the wedding toast.

Maybe you can clear
something up for me.

Herb says you're
a successful jingle writer,

but Judith says you are
a drunken talentless hack

who passed out and fell
into a pit of money.

So what do you
need cleared up?

Boy, you got me
at a disadvantage.

I don't know why
Judith hates you.

Hmm, it's hard to say.

Maybe it's 'cause
I'm smart.

Maybe it's because
I'm independent.

Maybe it's because I offered my
brother a thousand dollars

to call off the wedding.

I did the same thing
with my brother.

You did?

Well, actually, it was a
thousand-dollar hooker...

...but the thought
was the same.

So, Myra...
what do you do?

I teach high school


It may sound
like a boring life,

but at night, I dress up like
a giant spider and fight crime.

Interesting. Now,
did you decide spider

and have the costume made

or did you find the costume
and say, "Okay, spider"?

Are you mocking
the Scarlet Arachnid?

Sorry, sorry.

It's just hard to believe
that you're Herb's sister.

He's so...


I was going to say "tall,"
but hapless works.

To hapless Herb.

To the Scarlet Arachnid.


My enemies are everywhere.

* Let's all go to the lobby,
let's all go the lobby *

* Let's all go the lobby
and have ourselves a treat. *

We're here.

Oh, yes,
Judith's house of pain.

Shh, shh, ixnay!

That's her id-kay.

We're... here.

Well, thanks
for the movie.

Wait. Wait, wait.

I'll walk you.
Why, thank you.


You okay?

I never know till I sober up.

I think
they like each other.

Well, sure they
like each other.

No, I mean, they like
like each other.

Oh, no, Jake.

Your Uncle Charlie
only like likes

a certain type of woman.

Mom calls 'em tramps.

That's as good
a word as any.

Thanks, that was fun.

Yeah, it was.

See ya around.


I'm sorry.
I don't know why I did that.

Who cares?

Looks like Aunt Myra's
a tramp, huh?

me on, Judith,
so he gave her a kiss.

It's no big deal.

That's how Charlie says

Some people shake hands,
some people wave,

my brother darts his tongue
in and out of your mouth.

What'd I miss?

You know Dr. Melnick?

Guy your mom's

He has a sister...
Got it.

I'm sure it has nothing to do
with you, Judith.

Wait, hang on a second.

Jake, are you done
with your breakfast?

Then get out.

Fine, Berta will just tell me
later, right?


Okay, Judith, that's insane.

Charlie would not do Myra
just to piss you off.

I don't think.

How would I know
what he sees in her?

She got working girl parts?

You know what?

You leave. Send Jake back.

Okay, okay. Fine, fine.

I'll talk to him.

I, I don't know.

I'll, uh, I'll tell him
to keep his hands off Myra.

And then I'll tell
the rain not to fall,

the Earth not to spin
and you to stop nagging me!

Oh, boy, I'm going
to pay for that.

You know what your problem is?

Phone cojones.

Excuse me?

When you're
on the phone with her,

you got boulders
between your legs.

The minute you hang up,
you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Phone cojones.

Good to have a name for it.

So, tell me about the sister.

I don't know.

She doesn't seem
like his type at all.

What, no coin slot
in her forehead?


Charlie, we need
to talk about Myra.

Yeah, that was
probably a mistake.

It was?

She's a nice kid, but...

she's just not,
you know...

A red-hot simpleton
with no self-respect?

I just hope she
didn't take

that whole kiss
thing too seriously.

So, you're not planning
on pursuing her?

No, no, no.

In fact, I got
a date tonight

with a lovely sex
addict whose therapist
is on vacation.

It's what we
eligible bachelors

call "a window
of opportunity."

You know, Charlie, there's
a special section in hell

reserved for people like you.

That's good,

'cause I'd hate
to have to stand on line.

So I'm like, "Yeah,
I can make a lot of money

"as a lingerie model,
but then who's

gonna take me seriously
as a director?"

Good point.

Sometimes I wish
I wasn't beautiful.

I mean, ugly people
have it so easy, you know?

I've heard.

So, what about you?
Still writing jingles?

Just during the day.

At night, I dress up as a
big spider and fight crime.

Huh. You know,
I dated a cop once.

Well, it wasn't
so much a date

as a way to get
out of a ticket.


Okay. Here we are.

Ah. I hope this place
has fresh lobster.

That frozen stuff
is just disgusting.

You know what, Herb?

Forget it.
I'll do it myself.

I said I would do it--
I'll do it!

For God's sake,
Judith, get off his back!

No one's talking to you, Myra!

Okay, everyone calm down.

I'm doing it.

Oh. Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Herb.

Just taking out the trash.

Yeah, I'm coming from
doing the same thing.

Great. He leaves
the door wide op...

What the hell
are you doing here?

That's a good question.

See, the thing is I...

Oh, hey, Charlie.

Hi, Myra.

No. No.
I forbid it.

Not in my house.

What brings you
to the cul-de-sac of the damned?

Just in the neighborhood.

That's nice.

Come on in.


I said no! Doesn't anybody
listen to me?!

I'm doing
it! Look!

You know, I really didn't
expect to see you again.

Well, I wasn't
doing anything, so...

No, Alan, listen to me.

He's here right now!

Why would I kid
about that?

I don't know, maybe his
other date didn't work out.

Ah, the plot thickens.

Okay, okay, I can explain.

No, I can't.

Give it a shot.

Well, um...

I was with this girl,
and I suddenly realized

that I'd rather be with
someone who I, you know,

actually enjoy being with.

Oh just forget it, Alan;
you're useless.

Herb, do something!


I'm thinking about
going out for ice cream.

Anyone want
to join me?

Charlie, when's the last time
you had a cone with sprinkles?

You know what, Herb?
Judith can relax.

I'm gonna check into a hotel.

Myra, no.

You don't have to do that.

Yes, she does.

Hey, she's my sister!

She can stay as
long as she wants!

I really appreciate this.

I'll go get my stuff.

Hey, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You don't have
to stay at a hotel.

I got plenty of
room at my place.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

N-N-No, no, no, no.

No strings attached.



Still, I couldn't
impose like that.

It's no imposition.

It's a big house.

There's plenty of room
for everybody.

You sure?


Okay, then.

I'll be right back.


You want to come, too?

Are you nuts?

With Myra out of the house,
I might get lucky tonight.


She seems pretty angry.

It's better when she's angry.

Coming, pookie!

This just sucks.

It's just for a couple of
days till the wedding.

Yeah, but why does she
have to stay in my room?

Because... I don't know.

You're the kid.

Yeah, well, it's not fair.

Yeah, well, get over it.

Oh, my God!

Jake, that's disgusting.

Yeah, well, get over it.

Go to sleep.

Did you brush
your teeth?

Dad, I'm asleep.

Go brush your teeth.

I can't; I don't have
my toothbrush.

Well, go get it.


I have to do everything
around here.

Aunt Myra?

I have to get my toothbrush.

Aunt Myra?

Aunt Myra?






Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

I just wanted to chat.

Oh. Okay.

I can go if you want.
No, no. No.

No, this is fine.


What's up?

Well, we never really talked
about that kiss last night.

Right, right.

That was a little
out of character for me.

Really? That's not
the word on the street.

Okay, let me explain. Um...

With me, kissing is usually
just a prelude to sex,

but last night, sex was
the last thing on my mind.

Oh, gee, what girl doesn't
like to hear that?

No, no. No, wait, let me finish.

I kissed you
because I really liked you,

and I wanted to express
my... liking of you.

Be still, my
beating heart.

Oh, come on, Myra.

I drove all the way
to Judith's house to see you.

And you know what's at Judith's


That was very
brave of you.

Oh, no, it wasn't
brave, it was...

To tell you the truth,
I don't know what it was,

and I'm not really sure
what to do here.

What do you
want to do here?

Let's forget about me
for a second.


What about me?

You kissed first.

Why'd you do that?

Oh, I was plowed.


Oh, come on, you moron.

I'm sitting in the
middle of your bed

in my sexiest lingerie.

All right.

I'm pretty sure
I know what to do now.



I don't want to put any
pressure on you, but...

I'm a virgin.

You are?

Man, you got to stop
sleeping with dumb girls.

It's rubbing off on you.

Aunt Myra's not there.

I'm sure she will be.

She's probably just getting
something in the kitchen.

That's not the kitchen.