Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 13 - Don't Worry, Speed Racer - full transcript

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men - S04E13 [KoTuWa]
"Don't Worry, Speed Racer"

- I have a question.
- Yeah?

How smart do you have to be
to have sex?

- Well, actually...
- Nah, nah, nah!

- Can I, uh...?
- Nah, nah, nah!

- But I was...
- Nah, nah, nah!

- Oh, come on...
- Nah, nah, nah!

Why do you ask?

- Well, Mom's boyfriend's a doctor.
Yeah.

And doctors are supposed
to be smart, right?

Not as smart as they think they are,
but, uh, go ahead.



Well, when I'm in bed
I can hear them in bed.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, goodie.

And Mom's always telling him
that he doesn't know what he's doing.

How much do I love this kid?

Don't interrupt, Charlie.
Go on, sweetheart.

So I'm thinking sex must be
a lot harder than I figured.

I mean, she has to tell him
the same thing every night.

- Every night, you say?
- Berta.

You had a semi-annual subscription,
didn't you?

Come on, you guys. Please?

Can't help you.
- Sorry, no.

Look, Jake, it's not that you have to be
particularly smart to have sex.

IN UNISoN:
Yeah, look at your dad.



Jinx, you owe me a Coke.

Think of it this way.

- Suppose you like banana cream pie.
- I do like banana cream pie.

- Well, good.
- Do we have any?

- No.
- Well, then why did you bring it up?

I was trying to tell you about sex.

What does pie have to do with sex?

- Can I jump in?
- No, no, no!

- How about me?
- Excuse me, if I can't talk, you can't talk.

Am I right, Alan?

Anyway, if you don't tell me
you like banana cream pie...

...and I keep bringing something else...
- But I just told you I like it.

You wanna know what kind of pie
your uncle Charlie likes?

- Oh, come on, I wasn't...
- Nah, nah, nah!

- I'm guessing cherry.
- Nah, nah, nah!

Please, I've got this.

You've got squat.

At this rate, the kid's only gonna get
a stiffy at Marie Callender's.

Okay, okay, forget the pie.

Uncle Charlie said "stiffy."

Yeah, I heard him.

My point is, you don't have to worry about
being smart enough to have sex, okay?

Okay.

In fact, there are times when brains
and imagination are a distinct disadvantage.

Like when you've been
married for 12 years...

...and you're only allowed to do
the same three things over and over again...

...in exactly the same way
and exactly the same order...

...like you're some kind of unthinking
machine or a trained freaking monkey.

Okay, honestly, how much more damage
could we have caused?

I bet monkeys like banana cream pie.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Mom.

- What's in the box?
- Banana cream pie.

You bought him a whole pie?

I bought him two pies.

Why would you do that?

It seemed easier than explaining to him...

...that his mother's fianc?
isn't really a sexual moron.

- Oh, hey, Alan.
Herb.

Uh, why is Jake eating pie
in the bathroom?

Not now. Not now.
What are you talking about?

Jake can hear you two in bed.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

He didn't hear that.

Um, what did he say to you?

Well, uh, basically, he's worried
that when he grows up...

...he won't be smart enough to have sex.

Why would he think that?

He hears you giving Herb instructions
like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

You think that's funny?

No.

- Well, I will talk to him.
- No, no.

Trust me, talking only makes it worse.
Charlie and I tried.

- Great, Charlie knows about this?
- That's not the point, Judith.

The point is,
you need to be a little less vocal.

Maybe do what you did with me...

...and smack him on the head
when he goes off course.

She does that too.

Well, um, thank you, Alan.
I will take care of this.

- I'm sorry to dump this on you.
- Oh, that's okay.

I mean, you know, I'm not judging.
I've been in your position.

Well, she only likes the one.

Yeah, yeah. Been there, done that.

Or, ahh, more correctly, been there,
told I was doing that wrong.

Truth is, I, uh, kind of like the instructions.
It takes out all the guesswork.

- Sure, sure.
- I tend to meander when I don't have...

...you know, a game plan.

Well, that's, uh, never a problem
with Judith.

She's the, uh, vince Lombardi
of sexual intercourse.

She did teach me
to play through the pain.

Yeah, tape it up and get back in there.

Say goodbye, Herb.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hey.
- Hey, how did it go with Judith?

It was the most awkward
and uncomfortable conversation...

...I've had in my life.

Huh. More awkward than when you were
a kid and had to explain to Mom...

...why you were hiding a slab
of raw liver in your sock drawer?

Okay, the second most awkward.

What about when she found the warm
cantaloupe with a face drawn on it?

All right, it was in the top five.

I mean, it's just unnatural for a guy
to have to tell his ex-wife...

...to pipe down while she's having sex
with another man.

I'll tell you what's unnatural.
The look on that melors face.

Fruit should not look surprised.

- You're the one who gave me that idea.
- I was joking.

You told me it's what the astronauts do.

Oh, right.

That's how I got you to pee
in the Tang jar.

And let's not forget how I convinced you
Mom's douchebag was your air supply.

Yeah, yeah, my breath smelled
like vinegar for two weeks.

Aw, those were innocent times.

EvELYN: Oh, the kitchen appliances
are a little outdated...

...but you people can cook
with your wristwatches now, can't you?

You're funny. You're a funny firecracker.

- Mom?
- Oh, Charlie, say hello to Hiroshi Goto.

Hi.
- Hello.

Uh, Charlie is my number one son.

Yeah, but she treats me like number two.

Oh.

- Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Of course, darling.

Uh, Hiroshi, why don't you go enjoy
the view from the deck.

There's pretty girls playing volleyball
out on the beach.

Oh, I like volleyball.

Here's what you need to know.

He's filthy rich
and looking for a house on the beach...

...and I have nothing to show him.

So you're selling him my house?

Don't worry, I told him you were
going through an ugly divorce.

But before we close escrow,
you'll reconcile with Cheryl...

...and back out of the sale.

Who's Cheryl?

She is a sweet, selfless girl
who worked nights...

...to put you through law school
while you were sleeping with her sister.

I have to string Mr. Goto along
until I have something to show him...

...that actually is for sale.

Oh, I understand.

It's called a bait and switch,
and it's a felony.

Oh, well, look at you
taking the moral high ground.

And with nary a bottle
nor a whore in sight.

Bravo.

Excuse me, why is there
an Asian man on the deck?

- Mom's selling my house.
- Why?

Marital problems.

You cheating bastard.

- Do I have to find another place to live?
- Yes.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
Mommy's just running a little scam.

But feel free to find another place to live.

Anyway, what's new?
How's my grandson?

- Oh, he's fine.
- Oh, come on, Alan, tell her about the pie.

- What pie?
- There's no pie.

- Jake overheard his mother...
- Nah, nah, nah!

It's nothing.

I just had to have a rather embarrassing
conversation with Judith yesterday.

More embarrassing
than when you were 11 years old...

...and I caught you with the dog
and peanut butter?

You went and did that too?

You told me it's what the cowboys did
on a cattle drive.

And I didn't have a cow.

- Is that why you got rid of our dog?
- I couldn't look at him anymore.

Can we move on, please?

I'm sorry, dear. Now, what about Jake?

I loved that dog.

Well, not as much as your brother did.

But go ahead, Alan.
What did you have to talk to Judith about?

Nothing. Forget it.

Oh, come on, Alan.

The dog whisperer here
got all bent out of shape...

...because Jake heard his mother
going at it with her boyfriend.

That's it? He just heard them?

- That's not enough to traumatize him?
- Absolutely not.

- See, Alan, I told you.
- Well, you would know, Charlie.

What do you mean?

- You don't remember?
- Remember what?

Nothing.

I like it.

Of course you do.

Let me show you the master suite.

That's where she caught him.

Ah, cheating bastard.

What am I supposed to remember?

I was the only one that gave that dog
any kind of attention.

No.

I remember.

Charlie?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Drinking.

Why are you doing it here?

I can't be alone right now.

Okay.

What's going on?

I remembered, Alan.

Remembered what?

I was 8 years old.

It was late at night.

I must've had a bad dream or something
because I walked into Mom's room...

...and I saw them.

Saw who?

Mom and some guy.

They didn't hear me at first, because
the waterbed was making sloshing noises.

At least I hope it was the waterbed.

Oh, yeah.

Mom's waterbed. Remember how we used
to bounce up and down on it...

...playing lumberjack and doing the...?
- Forget the bed. The bed's not important.

Sorry.

Anyway...

...at some point
they realized I was standing there...

...and the guy said to me:

"Don't worry, Speed Racer.
I'm not hurting your mom."

Speed Racer?

Remember I had
the Speed Racer pajamas?

Oh, yeah, yeah, our Christmas pajamas.

Yeah, you got Speed Racer
and I got Laverne & Shirley.

- So typical. L...
- This is not about you, Alan.

This is about a horrible moment in my life
that I completely repressed.

Mom and the man
with the big red mustache.

Oh, God.

I just realized why Yosemite Sam
always made me nauseous.

- And I'll tell you the worst part.
- Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?

- Alan.
- I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.

We all are.

Anyway, the next morning,
I asked Mom what happened...

...and she said she didn't know what I was
talking about. And when I kept asking...

...she threw a shoe at my head.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the 4-inch heels.
Oh, she was deadly accurate with those.

She could knock a melon out of your hands
from clear across the room.

Will you get your mind out of the produce
section? I've got a problem here.

Come on, Charlie, it happened years ago
and you turned out...

Yeah, you got a problem.

Thank you.

I gotta tell you, it does help me
feel better about Jake.

I mean, you know,
he didn't see anything...

...and at least we haven't been lying
to him about having sex.

No, no, you just taught him
to associate sex with pie.

Hey, at least I didn't talk him into putting
crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey.

Oh, right.

Best Thanksgiving ever.

You told me it's how the Pilgrims
got through the harsh winter.

He's gotta be asleep by now.

He could wake up.

So we'll be quiet.

I can't be quiet.

Come on, please?

Oh, all right.

No, no, not that way.

Slow down.

I'm still awake.

Are you happy?
I may never be happy again.

Mm, pie.

Rose, did you ever suddenly remember
something that you blocked out years ago?

You mean like a repressed memory?

Yeah, you ever had a repressed memory?

I forget.

Get it? Little psychology humor.
Freud was the first one to use it.

- Ha.
- It's much funnier in German.

So, what memory did you repress?

When I was 8...

...I walked in on my mother having sex.
- Interesting.

Interesting? How about devastating,
horrifying, traumatizing?

Wow.

What, was she, like, blindfolded
and tied to a bed...

...while two guys slapped her butt
with Ping-Pong paddles?

No.

Hmm.

Was she riding around on a goat
while an albino midget dripped honey...

No, no.

No.

It was just sex. One mother, one man.

Boring.

Oh, come on, Charlie.
It's not an uncommon occurrence.

I myself have walked in on
many people having sex.

Accidentally?

My point is, you've recovered the memory
and now you can get on with your life.

No, I can't.

What if it's not
the only repressed memory?

What else is lying just below the surface
ready to burst into my consciousness?

Am I gonna wake up remembering my
mother in the shower with my uncle Donald?

Who I suddenly realize
wasn't really my uncle.

Sounds like you don't have
to worry anymore.

Oh, God, it's all coming back.

Uncle Donald, Uncle Steve.

Uncle Jorge.

I bet I wasn't related
to any of those guys.

This is all good, Charlie. Keep going.

- Oh, boy.
- What?

Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt...

...but there was no snake bite
on her boob.

Oh, hey, what are you doing here?

Uh, well, we were hoping that...
Actually I was hoping that, ahh, maybe...

He wants me to stay here tonight
so he and Mom can have sex.

Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason,
right, Herb?

No, that's pretty much it.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

To tell Mom that her indiscriminate
bed-hopping has scarred me for life.

Jury's still out on me.

EvELYN
What do you want?

We need to talk.

EvELYN: You should have called first.
I'm a little under the weather.

Yeah, well, I'm not feeling so great myself.
I've started remembering things.

EvELYN: Well, call the poor girls,
apologize and stop drinking so much.

No, I'm remembering things about you.

Things from my childhood.

Wait, what are you doing?

You can't even look at me, can you?

EvELYN: I don't care what you think
you remember.

I was a terrific mother who loved you
even though you were a horrible boy.

Now go away.

Mom, this is important.

Mom?

You ruined Yosemite Sam for me.

Dagnabbit, this isn't over.

Oh, God.

EvELYN:
Charlie.

HIRoSHl: Don't worry, slugger.
I'm not hurting your mother.

Whoa!

- Okay, I gotta go if I'm gonna catch my bus.
- Good night, Berta.

Hey, Dad, guess what I found
in Mom's bedroom.

You know what, I'll take a cab.

An empty can of whipped cream.

Whipped cream. No kidding.

And you know what I'm thinking?

- I know what I'm thinking.
- Nah, nah, nah!

What?

Either whipped cream has to do with sex,
or Mom hides pie in her nightstand too.

Hey, a gal can do both.

Nah, nah, nah!

Hey.

- Hey, what happened to you?
- What are you talking about?

- I thought you went to Mom's.
- No.

Then where were you?

- I don't remember.
- What do you mean, you don't remember?

It's called a repressed memory.
Now drop it.

Any one of you lily-livered, bowlegged
varmints care to slap leather with me?

I'm the hootingest, tootingest,
shootingest...

...bobtailed wildcat in the West.

I'm the fastest gun north, south,
east and west of the Pecos.