Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 8 - That Voodoo That I Do Do - full transcript

Charlie bribes Jake into taking ballet lessons so he can vie for the affections of the teacher. Things go awry, however, when Charlie and Jake find themselves competing for those affections.

Thank you.

Oh, I knew it.
There's no extra foam in my latte.

You ask for extra foam... might as well be asking for
a piggyback ride, know what I mean?



Oh, of course.

Man's got a heat-seeking missile
in his pants.

Is it too much to ask that
when we go out for coffee... stay within earshot, so I'm not
talking to myself like a crazy person?

And again, I'm talking to myself
like a crazy person.


Yes, I see.

Girl pretty. Charlie like.

No, girl magnificent.

Charlie buy her Lexus.

I thought we were gonna
hang out together...

...but obviously your neurotic need
for sex is more important...

...than spending time
with your only brother...

...who despite everything continues
to love you and is, by the way...

...your best hope for
a viable kidney transplant.

You can get yourself home, right?

What makes you think
that she's even available?

Maybe she's married, maybe she's gay,
maybe she's a guy.

Hey, I don't see a ring,
a girlfriend or a bulge.

If you'll excuse me, it's time to do
that voodoo that I do do so well.


-I'm Charlie.
-Don't care.

-And you are?
-Not interested.

How do you know?

I know.

Okay then.

You think it's over?
Because it's not over.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I was mislead by her complete
and utter indifference to you.

Yeah, well, watch and learn.

-Go away.

How about now? Is it over now?

It's not an exact science, Alan.

Look, if you knew me at all and shut
me down, that would be one thing...

...but to be dismissed on a simple hello,
well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Would you rather I give it to you
in a suppository?

-Well, to be perfectly honest--

-Hey, hey, did you hear that?

It's a-- It's a fat lady...

...and she's singing.

-You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?
-Charlie, Elvis has left the building.

I think giving up is
a little moot at this point.

Well, that attitude
is why you sleep alone...

...with a copy of Monster Boobs
magazine under your pillow.

Stay out of my room.

Waverly Dance Studio,
3737 Waverly Street.

Got it.

Westwood Academy of Dance,
1 4001 Pico Boulevard.

What's going on?

I'm mapping out
all the dance studios...

-...within a five-mile radius.

I can't stop thinking about
that girl I met. I have to find her.

Shame you can't let your penis
sniff a piece of her clothing.

Look, I know her name, Mia.
It was written on her coffee cup.

I know she's a dancer.

She was wearing leg-warmer-thingies
and reading a dance magazine.

Reading a dance magazine
doesn't make you a dancer.

Why not? You're a monster boob.

Will you both stay out of my room.

Tell me, why do you want to
go to all this trouble... track down a girl who showed
less than no interest in you?

A girl who seemed actually repulsed
by your very being.

A girl whose skin visibly crawled
at your mere proximity.

Yeah, but did you see her butt?

It was like a ripe little peach.

That's your answer?
Her ass reminded you of fruit?

Berta, explain it to him.

A lot of the times a peach
will have a subtle cleft in it...

-...that is reminiscent of a woman's--
-No. Thanks.

Thanks, I got the picture.

Alan, do you know why Sir Edmund
Hillary wanted to scale Mount Everest?

Because it reminded him
of a big pointy melon?

That's part of the reason,
but the main reason was...

...he wanted to do it because
everyone thought it was impossible.

I'm missing the connection here.

If a girl like Mia were easy to climb...

...her head would be
covered with flags.

-So you're looking for a challenge.

No one takes a picture of the fish
that jumps on your boat.

I-- I'm confused.
Is she a mountain or a fish?

Doesn't matter,
either way I'm gonna scale her.

And you,
why do you enable this behavior?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because your brother is the embodiment
of the roll-up-your-sleeves spirit...

...that made this country great.

He never gets discouraged,
he goes after what he wants...

...and he doesn't know
the meaning of quit.

If the day should come when any man,
no matter how humble...

...can't go out there and soil the loins
of some hot little dancer...

...well, I don't wanna live
in that America.

Okay, very good. Now reverse.

Oh, leave me alone.

Keep going.

Hey, you're a teacher.

Hey, you're a stalker.

No, no. I was passing by
and happened to look in the window.

What's the map for?

Oh, this? I had to go to
eight other dance studios...

...before I found the right window.

I suppose that could be
interpreted as stalking...

...but it could be just as easily be seen
as sincerity, persistence--

Mental illness?

Come on, I'm clearly smitten.
Throw me a bone.

-You remembered my name.

I wrote it down
in case I needed to call the cops.

I don't have time for dating right now.
I'm completely focused on my work.

Well, let's talk about work.
I've always wanted to learn to dance...

-...can you teach me?
-I only teach children.

You don't have a class full of
large, slow kids I could be part of?

All right, how about this.

My nephew loves to dance.

A gifted little boy.
Moves like a gazelle.

-How old is he?
-I don't know, 1 1, 1 2.

It's hard to say, he's got a big head.

Frankly I'd love to have
a boy in the class.

It's hard to get males
excited about ballet.

Jake is just ballet this and ballet that.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Why don't you bring him
by tomorrow?

-Great. Maybe afterwards you and l--
-Charlie, listen carefully.

You and l, never gonna happen.

Understood. See you tomorrow.

Charlie to base camp,
I am beginning my ascent.

How you liking the pizza your old
Uncle Charlie bought for his buddy?

It's good.

Save room, I've got a half-gallon of that
fudge brownie ice cream.

I don't know, I'm pretty stuffed.

-You sure?
-Maybe after I poop.

What are you doing?

-We're eating dinner.
-He had dinner an hour ago.

-Well, then he won't need breakfast.
-Yes, I will.

You've had enough to eat.

Hey, Jake, you know what I like to do
after a nice big meal?

-Learn to dance.


Private word.


-What's up?
-Shame on you.

Is that it?

You found that girl...

...and now you have a plan
to use my son as bait.

Yeah, so? It's not like he pays rent.
Why shouldn't he pitch in a little?

I will not allow it.

Come on, it's just a couple
of ballet lessons.

Ballet? Him?

I think he has a quiet grace about him.

He doesn't have to be good,
he just has to show up.

One lesson, I'm begging you.

You know what,
it really doesn't matter what I say.

You will never convince him
to take ballet.

If I can, will you stay out of it?

-I guess.

Hey, Jake.

Okay, that might have been
bad parenting on my part.

I've got a surprise for you.

It's not more food, is it?

Because I'm starting to feel
a little dizzy.

You're gonna get to do something
that no other boy in your class has done.

If it's sex, Mitchell Fineman
already saw his cousin naked.

-No, this is better than sex.

How would he know?

-You're gonna learn to dance ballet.
-Wanna bet?

Okay, let me put it this way.

How much money would I have to give
you to take ballet lessons?

-I want $1 0.
-Wait, hold on.

I want $1 000.

That's really unethical.

Oh, yeah, I'm the one
on shaky moral ground.

-Okay, I'll give you $500.
-Split the difference.


Come on, let's go.

I changed my mind.

You took my money.

I'll give it back.

Jake, we're here.
You may as well give it a try.

Yeah, give it a try.
Who knows, you might like it.

I will never forgive you for this.

You didn't tell me
I'd be the only boy here.

So? The odds are on your side.

The odds for what? I'm 1 1.

-I wanna go home.
-I thought we had a deal.

You can't make him stay
if he doesn't want to.

I love you, Dad.

All right, let's get started.

-Who's that?
-Your teacher.

-Come on, let's go.
-Hang on, Dad.

Maybe we should give this a chance.

Hi, I'm Jake.

-Hi, Jake. It's nice to meet you.

-Your uncle tells me you like ballet.

Okay. How about you
line up with the girls...

-...and we'll get started.

How about that?

He's got a crush.

It's like watching a dog chase a car.

He'll never catch it, and even if he did,
he couldn't drive it.

He's still doing better than you.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet
our new student Jake.

-Hi, Jake.
-Yeah, hi.

Okay, let's start in first position.
Jake, do you know first position?

Is that like the missionary position?

And one, and two...

...and three, and four.

I will never forgive you for this.

What? He's having a great time.

The clueless knucklehead.

Okay, very nice, class.

Yeah, good hustle, everybody.

Much better, Jake.

-That's because I have a good teacher.
-Thank you.

All right, that's it for this week.

Remember, life is a dance,
live it gracefully.

That's my motto.

Well, that settles it.

I wanna be a ballet dancer
when I grow up.

Really? There's a load off my mind.

It's not as easy as it looks.
It's pretty hard.

Yeah. It's pretty hard to watch.


Did you see how far Mia
could put her leg over her head?

I did notice that, yes.

So, what do you think,
Fred Astaire or Fred Flintstone?

-He's got a lot of enthusiasm.
-He gets that from me.

I thought you were his uncle.

That's the whole
nature and nurture debate, isn't it?

-So listen, Mia--
-I'm not going out with you.

I know, you made it very clear.

My question was is there anything more
we can do to help Jake?

Extra classes? Private tutoring?

The three of us in Cabo
for a long weekend?

If he comes to class regularly,
I think you'll be amazed at his progress.

Good, I'd hate to think he's peaked.

We're having a recital next month...

...and with a lot of work and
a little luck, we can include him.

Charlie to base camp...

...pretty cold up here, visibility zero.

Call me.


I hope you like this.

It's an impertinent little cabernet
with oaky overtones...

...and just the hint of a floral finish.

-Wow, you really know your wines.
-I just read it off the box.

What's the plan? Get me drunk
and take advantage of me?

Oh, good, you've done this before.

I had a very nice time tonight.

Was it worth all the trouble
I put you through?

You tell me.

Ask me again in the morning.

Charlie to base camp.

I can see the summit.

-Hey, Jake.

-What are you doing up?
-Why shouldn't I be up?

Isn't it past your bedtime?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

-I don't have a bedtime.

-So, what's going on?
-Not too much.

Where's your dad?

I don't know,
why don't you go look for him?

Look, Jake, Mia and l
are kind of busy right now.

-Busy doing what?

Okay. What are we talking about?

We are not talking about anything.
You're going to bed.

Why don't we let Mia decide?

Jake, I think you should go to bed.

Are you sure?
You don't have to decide right now.

Your uncle and I would like to spend
some alone-time together.

All right.

You want me to tuck you in?

I'm too old to get tucked in, you--
You ass-face.

Okay, then, sleep tight, little camper.

Kids, huh?

Yeah, kids.

He never called me
an ass-face before.

-I think he's a little jealous.

I remember feeling like that...

-...when I was his age.

Cafeteria lady.

Looked like Valerie Bertinelli...

...but, you know, with a hairnet and
just the cutest whisper of a mustache.

She didn't know I was alive.

You poor thing.

I'm sorry, Mia. I can't--
I can't do this to him.

Do what to him?

One afternoon I saw the cafeteria lady
holding hands...

...with the shop teacher
in the parking lot...

...and it just killed me.

Mr. Dinapoli. I'll never forget it.

She was holding the hand
with the missing thumb.

You know what,
I've gotta take you home.

-I understand.
-You do?

You love Jake.

You'd rather give up spending the night
with me than risk hurting him.


Although when you spell it out like that,
it sounds incredibly stupid.

You're a very sweet man.

Thank you.

I was kidding. Let's go upstairs.

Charlie, take me home.

Let's talk about this.
He's 1 1, he'll get over it.

I got over one-thumb Dinapoli.

You asleep?

-You can quit faking, I took her home.

-How come?

It's part of the guy code.

When two friends like the same girl,
one of them has to step aside.

Unless she's a good sport, then it's
like Saturday morning at the bakery.

It's a complicated code.

Don't worry about it.

Bottom line is,
I'm out of the Mia business.


Now, go to sleep.

-Uncle Charlie?

I'm sorry I called you an ass-face.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

No woman is worth this.

I am so proud.

Our little boy is growing up.

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