Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - Santa's Village of the Damned - full transcript

Alan's girlfriend Sandy is Malibu's answer to Martha Stewart, causing Alan and Charlie to pack on the pounds. Their desire for her fabulous culinary output is ultimately overwhelmed by her craziness.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E13 - Humiliation is a Visual Medium - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

- Charlie?
- Yeah?

We said
we were gonna take things slow.

We did say that.
I guess we can't be trusted.

- Charlie, talk to me.
- All right.

You know what I'm gonna do to you,
you dirty, filthy girl?

- No, not like that.
- Wrong way? Am I a dirty, filthy boy?

No, I wanna talk about us.

We're a dirty, filthy couple.

I wanna talk about our relationship.

Well, that redirects the old blood flow.

Okay, so what about it?

- You know that I really care about you.
- And I care about you too.

All right, good talk.

I just wanna make sure
that if we do this...

...we're doing it for the right reasons.

Well, not to be contrary, but the wrong
reasons kick everything up a notch.

I just wanna make sure...

...we give our relationship
a chance to grow.

- So you want to stop?
- No, I really want you.

Mia, all this starting and stopping
is really not good for my transmission.

I'm sorry. I'm just so confused. I...

That's why you're gonna have to
make this decision for both of us.

Me? I have to make this decision?

That's like asking the fat kid
to guard the pie.

I trust you, Charlie.

Well, that is really low.

- Okay, we'll wait.
- Thank you.

- So, what do we do now?
- We could take a walk on the beach.

No, seriously.

Oh, yeah. Walk on the beach. Great.

I've always been meaning to do that.

Good morning, everyone.

- Good morning.
- Looks to be a beautiful day.

Overcast, but that should burn off
in a few hours...

...leaving us
with a sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.

You still drunk from last night
or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?

No, ma'am,
I am quite simply high on life.


I am not drunk.
Alan, guess what I did last night.

- Jake.
- I'm leaving.

No, Jake can hear this.

- Last night...
- Wait, wait. Hang on, Charlie.

You're about to tell us something
that made you happy?

- Yes.
- Jake.

I'm leaving.

Jake, stay. I want to share this
with my entire family.

Okay, I'm leaving.

I consider you part of my family.

- Am I in your will?
- No, but neither are the rest of them.

Now listen.

Last night, I, Charlie Harper,
delayed gratification.

What did you do,
wait till she fell asleep?

- Wait for what?
- Jake.

- I'm leaving.
- Sit down.

What happened last night is I may
have started a meaningful relationship.

Charlie, seriously, go sleep it off.
You're embarrassing yourself.

Come on, listen to me.

- I think I might be in love with Mia.
- Big deal.

You've always been in love
with you-a.

- Very funny.
- I thought so. Did you think so?

- That was pretty good.
- Yeah.

He's 11. He still thinks
"Milk Milk Lemonade" is funny.

Oh, yeah.

Hello? Grandmommy's here.

Oh, great.
Tell Mom what you told us, Charlie.


- Tell me what?
- Nothing.

- Do you need a good lawyer?
- No.

- Discreet doctor?
- No.

- Knock-off Gucci handbag?
- What?

There's only so many ways
I can help you, dear.

It's no big deal. I've just been seeing
this ballet dancer. She might be the one.


He says, "No."

I think it might be
one of those designer drugs.

Charlie, what did you take?

I'm serious. We've been
seeing each other for over a month.

We're waiting to sleep together until
our relationship has a solid foundation.

Well, we can rule out ecstasy.
I mean, that's a powerful aphrodisiac.

I've heard.

Nowadays you're supposed to say
"African American-disiac."

- Jake.
- You sure this time?

- Yeah.
- I'm leaving.

Has it occurred to you
that maybe I've finally matured?

Maybe I'm ready to build something
with a woman...

...that isn't solely based on sex?

- Has that occurred to you?
- No.


So it's not just me.

You know,
I can understand your skepticism.

I've earned it.
But this girl is different.

And I'm gonna make it work.

I give him another week before he's out
on the beach, humping wet sand.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your date?


We went bowling.

Still playing it slow?

Ketchup slow.

Glacier slow.

Continental drift slow.

- So slow?
- I'm saying.

Hey, listen.

About this living without sex thing. I was
hoping you can give me a little advice.

What would make you think of me?

Well, I figure you get laid less often
than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?

I don't have the actual statistics,
but go on.

Well, you must get really frustrated.

I mean, how do you stop yourself from,
you know...

...running a red light and then
taunting the cop till he shoots you?

Good question.

I've found that the best thing to do
is to focus on your career...

...get a hobby, become involved
in community activities...

...and at the end of the day,
if you have any energy left...

...find a quiet space...

...and yank it like a monkey
in a mango tree.


What kind of hobbies
are we talking about?

Well, I tried collecting stamps,
building model trains...

...but in the end,
all roads led back up the mango tree.

That's what I was afraid of.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna go get in my car... a red light
and hope for a clean headshot.

The great thing about this piece
is that it fuses a classical score...

...with jazz choreography.

On a counter programming note,
the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.

- Would you rather watch that?
- No, no, this is fine.

Of course, I don't have a $500 bet
down on the ballet.

- What channel?
- No, seriously, this is... Channel 2.

Charlie, you don't have to give up
things that you like just because of me.

Oh, okay, great. Good to know.

as long as we're on that subject...

...there's something
I wanna run past you.

- Go ahead.
- Let me just preface it by saying...

...that I am for holding off
on sex... our relationship can develop more,
you know, deepness.

I'm glad. I think it's working too.

We were getting closer than we would,
had we just jumped into bed together.

Sounds like we're on the same page.

And just to make sure
we don't jump the gun...

...I was thinking it'd be a good idea...

...if I had an outlet that,
you know, took the pressure off.

- An outlet?
- Yeah, an outlet.

Something casual, meaningless.

If I work it right,
it could even be anonymous.

- You mean another woman?
- Well, that would be my first choice.

But for the purposes of this discussion,
let's stay with the term, "Outlet."

I don't care what you call it.

You're asking for permission
to have sex with another woman.

Only because I care about you too much
to whore around without permission.

Are you crazy?

I can't go back to the mango tree,


Look, I think this is a mature,
thoughtful suggestion.

In fact, there are many cultures
that embrace the whole outlet concept... a way of strengthening
and nurturing...

...the primary love relationship.

- You can't dismiss entire cultures with:
- I'm going home.

Oh, come on, we're just talking here.

I propose an idea, then we compromise.
That's the cornerstone of a relationship.

How are we gonna compromise?

Are you gonna have sex
with half a woman?

Is that an option?

What's going on?

- We had our first fight.
- Oh, what about?

I suggested
that as long as we weren't having sex...'d be good for our relationship
if I had sex with somebody else.

And she didn't buy that?

Wouldn't even discuss it.

Women, huh?

They say they wanna talk,
but they don't wanna talk.

What's the matter with Uncle Charlie?

He's down because he had a fight
with his girlfriend.

- That's too bad.
- Hey, why don't you go talk to him.

- Maybe you can cheer him up.
- How?

I don't know. Tell him a joke.


Might as well just give him
a bowl of Milky Ways.

Hey, Uncle Charlie,
what's green, has four legs...

...and would kill you
if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

- What?
- A pool table.

It's funny because
you wouldn't expect it to be in a tree.


Okay, I'll talk to him.

Hey, if you can work up a fart,
ask him to pull your finger.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Still haven't heard from Mia?
- She won't return my calls.

You do realize that suggesting
to have sex with other women...

...was a monumentally stupid thing
to do.

Yes, Alan, I realize it.

The question now,
is how do I apologize?

You mean grovel.

No, I mean apologize
with my dignity and pride intact.

Oh, you sad, naive fool.

If marriage taught me anything...'s that there is no apologizing
without groveling.

- Mia and I aren't married.
- Are you having sex?


First of all, the phone's no good.

You must grovel in person.
Humiliation is a visual medium.

- Okay.
- Next, don't go empty-handed.

But keep in mind that any gifts you offer
may end up being thrown at your head.

Flowers, lingerie, jewelry, all good.

Picture frames, waffle irons,
steak knives, not so much.

You actually bought your wife
a waffle iron?

I was young.

She liked waffles.

the most important thing is sincerity.

- Sincerity?
- Yes.

You absolutely must be able
to fake sincerity.

You know what?
I've underestimated you.

You are far more deceitful
than I've given you credit for.

- Thank you.
- No, I was faking sincerity.

Oh, it's very good.

But all kidding aside,
I really appreciate your help.

- Well, you're welcome.
- Got you again.

That's... That was good.

- Oh, hey, can you do me a favor?
- What's that?

Pull my finger.

- You're bluffing.
- Try me?

Wait, give me another chance.

I though I had one.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- These are for you.
- You didn't have to do that.

Really? My brother said I did.

Well, thank him for me.

Come on in.

I just want you to know
how sorry I am.

Actually, I think I owe you an apology.

- You do?
- Yeah, these are for you.

You didn't have to do that.

I shouldn't have gotten so angry
with you.

Not to say that your "outlet" idea wasn't
incredibly juvenile, selfish, moronic...

I accept your apology.

The point is,
is that I really don't have any right... object to you
sleeping with other women.

We don't have a commitment.
You're free to do whatever.

Thanks. That's great. Very mature.

- So everything's okay now?
- No, you ass.

If we keep seeing each other,
I want a commitment.

- Commitment?
- Yes, a commitment.

Does that mean we can have sex?

Is that the only reason
you'd be willing to make a commitment?

It's in the top two.

Well, I think sex should wait
until we get our relationship on track.

Okay, okay.
Let me make sure I understand this.

You want me to make a commitment
that I will not have sex with anyone... the same time
I'm not having sex with you?


All right,
let's come at this from another angle.

We're gonna be sexually exclusive,
but without the sex?

I suppose you could look at it that way.

So bottom line... sex for Charlie...

...with you or anyone else
for the foreseeable future.


Are you insane?

If you care about us, it should be
something that you wanna do.

What are you giving up?

- The same thing.
- You wanna sleep with other guys?

- Of course not.
- Then you're giving up nothing.

Tell you what, I'll give up sex.
You give up, I don't know, a kidney.

Come on, don't be stupid.

- Okay, okay, dancing.
- Dancing's my life, Charlie.

Now we have a level playing field.

You know what,
maybe you should just go.

Right, why stay here when I can
just as easily not have sex with you... the comfort of my home?

Oh, go to hell.

That's why you didn't get a waffle iron.

Hey, how did it go with Mia?

- Great. We broke up.
- How is that great?

Now I can go back
to being who I really am.

And who's that?

Somebody who doesn't care
who he really is.

Someone who just has fun.

I see. Someone who spends his life
in a drunken haze...

...having meaningless sex
with strangers.

If you knew who I am,
why'd you ask?

Hurry, Charlie.
I'm starting to sober up.

Well, we can't have that.

No. You might find out who she is.

- Here you go.
- Good.

Boy, I haven't been this drunk
since I took my SATs.

Doesn't seem to have held you back.

No, just one year. Sixth grade.

Charlie? You okay?

Yeah, I just got a lot on my mind.

Do you wanna look at my boobs?

- No, thanks.
- Are you sure?

It always cheers me up.

Oh, Mia. Hi.

Is Charlie here?

- Tickle, tickle.
- Cut it out.

That was great, do it again.

don't you think it's time... kept your girlfriend company?

- My what?
- Thanks for playing along.

Oh, yes, my... My girlfriend.
Yes, excuse me. Coming, pookie.

- Well, this is an awkward moment.
- You are such a schmuck.

Okay, the ice is broken.

- Goodbye, Charlie.
- Oh, come on.

We don't have a commitment.
We don't have a relationship.

You know, you're right.
Go back to your bimbo.

Hey, hey, hey. She's not a bimbo.

I'm not saying she's a brain surgeon.

No, wait, Mia.
At least tell me why you came.

You wanna know why?
I came because after I cooled down...

...I started to miss you
and I wanted to make love.

- That's great. It's wonderful.
- And it's not gonna happen.

Why? Because of that bimbo?

Let me tell you something.

The entire time I was fooling around
with her, I was thinking of you.

Oh, swell.

You know what I mean.

I would trade a hundred of her
for one of you.

You're ready to make a commitment?


Maybe you want some time
to think about it?

How could that help?

Look, I don't wanna be
with anybody but you... I might as well be committed.

Yes, you should.

- You wanna go upstairs?
- Not right now.

Oh, please don't tell me
you've got somebody in your room.

No, no, no.


If we're gonna
do this commitment thing...

...the first time
should be really special.

What have you got in mind?

Well, you know. Candles, music...

...and maybe not having the girl
I was trying to rebound with...

...dancing half naked on the deck
with my idiot brother.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, yeah. He's an idiot.

Call me later.

Well, back to the mango tree.

What is this?

A healthy cereal
that won't rot your teeth.

You got that right,
because I'm not eating it.

That's all you're getting.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- Ls he in a better mood today?


Uncle Charlie,
I got another joke for you.

- Okay.
- There's two muffins...

...sitting side by side
in a muffin tin in the oven.

One muffin says,
"Boy, it's hot in here."

And the other one says,
"Holy crap, a talking muffin."

I just don't think
he knows what's funny.

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