Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Something Salted and Twisted - full transcript

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Two and a Half Men S03E10 - Something Salted and Twisted - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

Pretty fancy prices here.

Yeah, well, just so we're clear,
I am picking up the tab tonight.

- Okay.
- This is my celebration. I invited you.

Fine.

- So don't go grabbing the check.
- I won't touch the check.

If you wanna leave the tip,
that'd be okay.

I could do that.

I usually leave 15 percent...

...but if you wanna leave 20,
that's your call.

Thank you.



Unless you think it's easier
if we just split the check.

Whatever.

Of course, in many families if someone
is celebrating some good news...

...his brother would insist
on buying dinner.

- Then why don't I do that.
- But I'll leave the tip.

- One question.
- What?

- Do you have any money?
- No.

I left my wallet at home.

You mean this wallet?

Oh, good, you found it.

I was looking all over.

So where did we leave things?
You're paying, we're splitting?

Oh, just shut up.

What's this good news
you're celebrating?



It's a surprise.
I wanna wait till Mom gets here.

Yes, Jake, we see the spoon
on your nose, now stop it.

Can you do it?

I don't want to do it.
Now, behave yourself.

Oh, work with me.

Just wonderful.

You pick a restaurant
that has no valet.

I had to park three blocks away...

...and then schlep here in shoes
that are not for walking.

I've got a blister the size
of a Communion wafer.

And if Mommy doesn't get
something to drink immediately...

...things are going to get very ugly.

Let the celebration begin.

Maybe the lesson here, Mom, is to buy
shoes that are made for walking.

Is it just me?

In a perfect world, it would be.

Well, anyway I'm here. So, what's
your big announcement, Alan?

Jake, get that spoon off your nose.

- You don't know where it's been.
- It's been on my nose.

You really must start looking
at trade schools for the boy.

Now that we are all here,
I have some good news to share.

This is not gonna be on the
newsstands for a couple of days...

...but I have an advance copy.

"Good doctor, good neighbor,
good guy."

Good God.

- Hey, Dad, you're famous.
- Well, not really.

Well, among the readers of the
Tarzana Pennysaver, maybe a little.

Don't forget the homeless people
who make underpants out of it.

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Thank you, Mom.

So how much advertising did you have
to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Why do you assume
that I had to buy advertising?

Is it that hard to believe that a local
newspaper might run a cover story...

...about a successful
local chiropractor?

Well, frankly, yes.

Unless the chiropractor shot four
people to death in a mini-mart...

...and then turned
the weapon on himself.

You know, I get why Charlie has never
acknowledged my accomplishments.

He's a hedonist
who can't get behind anyone...

...unless they're drunk
and bent over a pool table.

That's fair.

But my own mother...

You're up.

Refusing to even feign interest.

I did so feign interest.

You assumed I had to buy advertising
to get the article.

Well, did you?

Neighborhood advertising
is a good investment.

- But that is not the point.
- All right, what is the point?

The point is, I can't even get
a simple attaboy from own my mother.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Attaboy.

Feel better?

- No, I do not feel better.
- Did I not say it right?

You know what? Forget it.
Let's just order, eat and get out of here.

One more of these,
and please keep them coming.

I'll buy the drinks.
Unless you wanna split it with me.

And you know what else?
You know what else?

No, Alan, what else?

I cannot believe that our mother
made us carry her to her car...

...just because she had a teeny-weeny
little blister on her foot.

Well, hopefully the next time we have
to carry her she'll be in a handy urn.

I'll pay for the urn
if you get the cremation.

Done.

- Jake? Where's my son?
- Right here, Dad.

Oh, oh, good, good.

Now, listen, boy.

Your old dad
is not going to be here for...

Is not going to be here forever.

And when I'm gone...

...I want there to be no doubt
in your mind...

...that I was as proud as punch...

...about all of your accomplishments,
no matter how miniscule.

Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed.

He just gets a little:

Anyway, the important thing
for you to know...

...is how much I love you.

You told the waiter you loved him too.

He was a very good waiter.

And it's also important for you to know
that you can be anything you want.

Anything in the world.

- No, I can't.
- You're right. That's a crock.

But I love you...

...and you have cheeks like a beaver.

Now go to bed.

Dad, we've been learning
about alcohol abuse at school.

And if you ever need a new liver
you can have half of mine.

Hey, hey, hey.
I thought we had a deal.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.

Best 5 bucks I ever spent.

Now come on, let's tuck you into bed.

Why can't my mother appreciate me?
All I wanted was one sincere attaboy.

Was that too much to ask?

Attaboy.

Well, that looks like the last
of the scallops.

Now all we gotta do
is wait for dessert.

Rainbow sherbet.

Oh, that should be pretty.

You know, I have spent
my entire life...

...trying to please Mom
to make her proud of me.

But no more.

I am done trying.

Good for you.

Oh, excuse me.

Nope.

You know, if you put the seat down,
it's easier to rest your arms.

Oh, you're right.

You're a wise man, Charlie Harper.

Well, I do have a few pockets
of specialized knowledge.

Some might call it wisdom.

And it seems warmer too.

It's further away from the cooling effect
of the water.

Not to mention the residual body heat
accrued from thousands of ass hours.

You've really given a lot of thought
to this.

I'm thinking of writing a book.

And I will read it.

Thank you.

You know what I am, Charlie?

Yes.

I am a pathological people pleaser.

I had an entirely different answer.

But more accurately,
I am a woman pleaser.

No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser.

You're a lonely guy
speckled with vomit.

No, I'm not speaking physically,
I'm speaking psychologically.

With Mom.

With Judith.

With every woman I've ever met.

I have twisted myself into knots
just trying to get them to like me.

My education...

...my job, my clothes, my car...

...my very behavior.

All chosen simply to get women
to approve of me.

And how's that worked out for you?

They don't approve of me.

But I am going to change, Charlie.

I am no longer going to grovel
for Mom's approval...

...or for the approval of any woman.

I am going to live the remainder
of my life...

...with pride...

...and a quiet, noble dignity.

But first, I'll sleep with my head
in the crapper.

Can I make you some oatmeal?

I've got cereal.

I know.

I just thought you might enjoy
something hot...

...and quiet.

Nope.

Do you have a hangover?

Yeah.

Drinking that much
was a stupid thing to do.

So then why'd you do it?

I don't know, Jake.

- Maybe I'm just stupid.
- Or maybe you just don't apply yourself.

Can we stop talking for a while?

Okay.

Although I do like a little conversation
at breakfast.

Morning, everybody.

He's hung-over.

Oh, yeah.

Well, isn't this an ironic turn
of events?

Me, waking up feeling
all bright and chipper.

And you looking like a stool sample.

Not a big irony fan, huh?

- Charlie?
- Yeah.

Either stop talking or at least
have the decency to kill me.

- Boy, I'm never gonna drink.
- Good job.

You scarred the kid for life.

Now he's gonna have to face
junior high sober.

- Just tell me one thing.
- What's that?

Did I really tell the waiter
I loved him last night?

You had to say something
after a kiss like that.

Oh, God.

- I took care of your bathroom.
- Thank you.

I hope you like the smell
of pine-scented puke.

So did I do anything else
I'm gonna regret?

- Well, you paid for dinner.
- Jeez.

And after we got home there was some
drunken blubbering...

...about how you weren't
going to grovel for women.

Oh, right. I almost forgot.

I had a life-changing epiphany
last night.

Before or after you yakked up
a hunk of your esophagus?

No, no, it's no joke.

I've reached a turning point.

From this day on, my actions
will no longer be predicated...

...on pleasing the castrating
mother figures in my life.

- What's so funny?
- Nothing.

I think she doubts your epiphany.

She'll see.

They'll all see.

Starting now, I am a new Alan.

Oh, damn, I think I wet myself.

Starting now, I will fear
no woman's disapproval.

Oh, God, that's Judith. I was supposed
to have Jake ready. She's gonna kill me.

Okay, starting now.

Good for you.

- Oh, I better get that.
- Let her wait.

What she thinks of you doesn't matter.
What counts is what you think of you.

You're right.

It's what I think of me.

- Alan?
- I had so much potential.

Okay, forget what you think of you.

Yeah, I'm probably too close to me
to see me clearly.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, do I smell like vomit?

Don't worry, I'll stand next to you.
She'll assume it's me.

Good, good.

Hi, Alan. Jake ready?

- No, he is not.
- You said you'd have him ready.

Well, I don't.

And if that makes you unhappy with me,
well, I don't give a rat's furry ass.

- What did you just say to me?
- Nothing, I'm sorry. Jake.

- Starting now?
- Starting soon.

You know what that smell is?

Epiphany for men.

So how long you been
in Los Angeles?

About eight months.
Haven't got a single audition yet.

Yeah, this can be a tough town
when you don't know anybody.

So do you have
like a headshot or a r?sum??

- Is he okay?
- I don't know.

Sir, are you okay?

- I thought we came here to talk.
- Not to each other.

- Let's talk. What's bothering you?
- I changed my mind...

- ...I don't wanna talk about it.
- Talk or die.

All right. I'm depressed.

I wanna change but I can't.
Whenever I'm confronted...

...by a disapproving woman,
something inside me crumbles.

Well, Alan,
maybe that's just who you are.

You know, fish gotta swim,
birds gotta fly, you gotta crumble.

What I don't understand
is I can intellectually see the problem...

...but I just can't do anything about it.

Excuse me. Can I have more
of these little pretzels?

- In a minute.
- Okay, sorry. No hurry.

Look, it's very simple.

You were conditioned
to seek Mom's approval.

You're still seeking Mom's approval...

...and you make every woman
a substitute mom.

But what about you?
We had the same mother.

I handle my conditioning
in a different way.

I have casual and often degrading sex
with my substitute moms...

...but we're talking about you
and not me so forget I said that.

Oh, how I'll try.

But how do you deal with the fear
of disapproval?

I mean, you must get
shot down occasionally.

Occasionally? Constantly.

Constantly?

Occasionally.

It's a numbers game, Alan.

We all want the shiny apple
on top of the tree.

But sometimes you gotta settle
for one on a lower branch.

Of course, there's times you pick up
whatever's lying on the ground...

...and put it in your mouth.

But how do you manage to keep going
on in the face of constant rejection?

Occasional rejection.

Okay, lesson one:

Look around.

Out of all the women here, which one
do you find the most attractive?

Let's see.

Her.

The brunette? Why?

I don't know,
there's just something about her.

- Yeah, radiating waves of contempt.
- You asked me who I found attractive.

That's true.

She's your shiny apple. Now go
ask her if you can buy her a drink.

What about the radiating waves
of contempt?

That's just a defense mechanism
for a girl in a lot of pain.

- Really?
- How the hell should I know?

The point is, you can't let fear
stand in your way.

- Well, I disagree.
- Are you questioning my methods?

- Because we can stop right now.
- No, no, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Would you like some more pretzels?

Well, I am in the mood
for something salty and twisted.

- You're terrible.
- You have no idea.

- How'd it go?
- She's really got a mouth on her.

So she rejected you?

With anatomical specificity.

- Good.
- Good? How is that good?

- How do you feel now?
- What do you mean, how do I feel?

- I feel humiliated.
- Where?

- What?
- Where is the humiliation?

- Where do you feel it?
- Oh, well, let's see.

My stomach's all knotted, my heart is
pounding, I'm sweating like a pig.

Okay, end of lesson one.

That was lesson one?
Lesson one sucked.

Lesson two: Have a drink.

No, sweetheart, have a real drink.

- I don't like Scotch.
- It's okay, it's bourbon.

Oh, all right.

More.

How do you feel now?

- I feel a little better.
- Finish the drink.

Can I put some diet Sprite in it?

Just finish it.

There you go. Now how do you feel?

I feel pretty good.

Like, to hell with her.
Who cares what she thinks?

Perfect.

Now go ask that chick over there
if you can buy her a drink.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
that's your big secret? Alcohol?

Don't tell anybody.

- Isn't that just a temporary solution?
- It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

I like it.

Diet Sprite.

I gotta hand it to you, Alan.

Most guys would be off scallops
for a long time.

I like scallops.

But clearly they don't like you.

I guess you choose your seafood
like you choose your women.

I beg to differ.

When it comes to women,
I make them sick.

Fair enough.

So, what else did we learn tonight?

Well, let's see.

I learned that to overcome my fear
of rejection ingrained in me...

...by an emotionally distant mother...

...I need to completely disable
my central nervous system...

...with semi-lethal quantities
of alcohol.

Bravo.

Hey, Charlie, are you coming to bed
or what?

I'll be there in a second.

- What're you looking at?
- Sorry. Very sorry.

So how've you been?

It worked.

I am totally humiliated
and I don't care.

You made real progress tonight.
I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Charlie. You're a good teacher
and a good brother.

Thanks.

Well, I guess it's time for me
to go work out my issues.

Good night, pal.

Nighty-night.

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[ENGLISH]