Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - Yes, Monsignor - full transcript

I decided if I was gonna
get my boobs done...

...I might as well go whole-hog,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

They're still pretty natural-Iooking,
don't you think?

They fooled me.

Oh, yeah, gotta get right up on them
before you can tell.

I think they're really gonna help me
reach my career goals.

Do you remember what they were?

What what were?

My career goals.

Yeah, sure.
You wanna be an actress, right?



No, silly. I wanna be a talk show host.

Right.

Of course, what they don't tell you is:
Big boobies equal bad back.

Say that three times fast.

- No, thank you.
- Big boobies equal bad back.

Big boobies equal bad back.
Big boobies equal bad back.

Get your skinny little butt in here,
and I'll interview you standing up.

I'll be right there.

Okay, we're back.

Now, let's give a warm, soapy welcome
to my next guest...

...and my close personal friend,
Charlie Harper.

Hey. Where you off to?

I don't know. Anywhere.

Charlie, the shower's still running.



Oh, fine.

There you are.

Charlie! Charlie, help me!

- What's going on?
- Nothing. Go watch TV.

Yeah, right.

Well, I'm sorry, Alan, but who told you
to go sticking your hand in my shower?

Oh, please. How can she sue you?
You have no money.

Oh, boy.

Nothing. Just saw an old girlfriend.
Talk to you later.

Lisa?

Oh, boy.

Charlie. I don't believe it.

- You look great.
- You too.

Although if you're taking votes, I prefer
the brown sock to the beige one.

What? Oh, I got kind of dressed
in a hurry this morning.

Really? Did somebody's husband
come home early?

Why do you always assume the worst?
Can't I just be hung-over?

Sorry. So how are you?

Fine. I mean, you know, considering.

And you? How's married life?

Really great.
Best decision I ever made.

You deserve all the
happiness in the world...

...and you found a guy who can give it.
- Thanks. That's very sweet.

- I mean it sincerely. It warms my heart...
- Okay, we broke up.

Oh, I am so, so sorry. Honestly.

Yes. Yes.

- So, what happened?
- None of your business.

Okay.

I thought he was the sweetest guy
in the world...

...but after we got married,
he changed.

He started drinking a lot,
and lying around the house all day.

Oh, no.

I caught him in the shower
with some bimbo.

Some guys, huh?

Yeah. If I wanted that kind of life,
I could have stayed with you.

Good point.
So, what are you doing for dinner?

- You're shameless.
- Thank you.

- It's not a compliment.
- Whatever.

What are you doing for dinner?

Charlie, a lot has changed.

I know. I'm older and wiser,
and you're hot and on the rebound.

- Charlie.
- Dinner tonight.

I won't take no for an answer.

Hey, lady.
Lady, you forgot your baby.

Charlie, it's not her baby.

Shall we say 7?

Just out of curiosity, what the hell
happened in your brother's bathroom?

- Nothing.
- Dad was wrestling on the floor...

...with a naked lady.

The quiet ones are always the freaks.

- Jake, I was not wrestling.
- But she was naked.

She was taking a shower,
and I didn't know.

When I reached to turn it off,
she was startled.

It was innocent and there's no reason
to tell your mother, understand?

Sure. By the way,
you have to sign my math test.

Okay. D minus?
Jake, how do you get a D minus?

How do you get wrapped
in a shower curtain...

...with a naked lady?

- Did you show this to your mother?
- No.

- Why not?
- I didn't catch her doing anything.

Okay, I'll sign this.

But you are gonna go study
so this won't happen again.

All right, but I wouldn't
get my hopes up.

If you want something from Dad,
now's a good time.

Oh, Alan, I am having the best day.

- Really? Do share it with me.
- Remember Lisa?

Oh, is that the girl who bitch-slapped
me in your shower this morning?

No, that's Meegan...

...or Megan or Sue.

Lisa is the woman that I asked to marry,
but she married this other guy instead.

They're divorced and we're
having dinner. Isn't that great?

I'd applaud, but my hand
was bitten earlier.

I'm sensing you're upset?

Oh, no, no, no.
Why would I be upset?

I mean, besides the...
The bite and the mild concussion...

...that I got from my head bouncing
off your bathroom floor...

...while your shower buddy
was driving her knee into my groin.

She wants to be a talk show host.
I don't see it. Not with that voice.

And to top it all off, my son
saw me entwined on the floor...

...with Meegan or Megan or Sue...

...and is now blackmailing me.

Kid's a genius.

Anyway, here's the wrinkle with Lisa.

She's got a kid now.

I'm not sure where I'm at
with having an instant family.

I'm sorry. Are we done
with what's bothering me?

I am.

It's like talking to a horny chimp.

Well, that was uncalled for.

- So, what do you think?
- About what?

Lisa, me, the kid.

Okay, let's see now.

This is the same woman
you've broken up...

...and gotten back with for years, right?
- Right.

And she turned you down
in order to marry somebody else?

- Yes.
- And then the marriage fell apart...

...and now she's got his baby?
- Yeah.

Sounds perfect. Go for it.

Okay, don't think I don't know
what you're doing.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

It's just nobody's taken a crap
in my car since college.

Don't be such a baby.

Hey, tell her.

I'll change her diaper while your car
airs out. Then you can take us home.

But what if it happens again?

Don't worry. I'll hold her out
the window till we arrive.

Thank you.
Can I make you a nightcap?

Charlie, I'm breastfeeding, remember?

Oh, right, right.

And may I say, on behalf
of myself, the ma?tre d'...

...and the entire kitchen staff that found
a reason to walk past our table:

You're doing a hell of a job.

Look at what a good
poopie you made.

Mommy's gonna get you
all cleaned up.

- Would you throw this away?
- Sure.

You didn't throw that
on the beach, did you?

No, no. I threw it
on my neighbor's deck.

Long story. He started it.

- So how we doing?
- All done.

Oh, good.

Boy, you hear all these horror stories
about screaming babies...

...but she's not half bad.

She's my little angel.

Kind of weird, huh?
You and me and a baby.

Yeah.

Not that the baby's weird.
It's just the whole, you know, gestalt.

You are so sweet.

I know.

Wanna go upstairs?

- No, I have to go home.
- Why?

What do you mean, why?
I have a baby.

Okay, she can stay too.

I can't spend the night.
I didn't bring enough diapers...

...the bassinet.
I don't have a breast pump.

So? We'll do it the old-fashioned way.

What are you gonna do, Charlie?
Milk me?

What kind of thing is that to say?

What makes you think I'm ready
to jump back into bed with you?

I don't know. Because I'm sweet?

You weren't ready when I was single.

How are you gonna
handle me and a baby?

Easy. I love babies, babies love me.
Look how good I get along with Jake.

Jake's 11.

So? He was 10 when I met him.

Gosh, they grow so quickly, don't they?

- Okay, look. If you're serious...
- I am.

- Come over tomorrow night to our place.
I'll make dinner, we'll see what happens.

Or we go to your place now...

...having already eaten,
and see what happens.

Still incapable of delaying
gratification, aren't you?

No, no, no, I've grown.

I learned to put the needs
of others before me.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

The old thoughtless,
selfish Charlie is gone...

...and I say good riddance to him.

Now, come on.
I'll take you home.

- Charlie?
- Yeah?

The baby.

This makes no sense.

It's math. It makes perfect sense.

Well, then I guess we'll just
have to agree to disagree.

No, you just have to do the work.

Well, maybe I have a learning disability,
or a syndrome of some sort.

You don't have a learning disability.
You're just lazy.

Maybe that's the syndrome.

See you later. And by "later,"
I'm hoping tomorrow.

Is there anything in your shower
I need to know about?

Oh, come on. That's the most
action you've had in months.

I have a loose tooth.

Can't you just be happy for me?
The woman I love is back in my life.

That's great. I'm thrilled.
I can't eat apples.

I'll bring you back some
applesauce from Lisa's.

Her kid needs to lay off
the fiber anyway.

Oh, yeah. How's that working out?

With the kid? She's great. I love kids.

Really? Tell me. How many
diapers have you changed so far?

Well, none, actually.
But I am credited with an assist.

- Have you fed the baby?
- No.

- Dressed the baby? Bathed the baby?
- No. What's your point, Alan?

- Nothing. Have fun.
- Thanks.

I intend to.

Don't think I don't know
what you're doing.

- What was that?
- Coyotes, Charlie.

Probably dropped her pacifier.
I'll be right back.

- No, no, no. You stay. I'll take care of it.
- Really?

Oh, yeah. No problem.
I'm great with babies.

Pacifier is the little nipple thing, right?

Be right back.

Hey, little baby, you decent?

Okay, here's your pacifier, sweetie.

Not as good as the real thing,
am I right?

Smells like one of us
just crapped our pants.

I sure hope it's you.

Let's take a look.

Charlie? You okay?

- What?
- Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Just a little
diaper issue. I can take care of it.

And then I'll be back
to take care of you.

Okay. Let's just take this thing off.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Did you have Thai food
for dinner, or what?

Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps.

Do you need any help?

What?

Do you need any help?

No, we're good.

Okay. Now we wipe the tushy.

Sorry. It's not you. It's me.

Wipe it again. Third time's the charm.

Little powder. Oh, that smells nice.

Maybe a little powder for my tushy.
Don 't tell your mommy.

Charlie, I can hear you on the monitor.

Oh, right.

People of Earth...

... we mean you no harm.

See? This one is wrong, this is wrong.
Jake, you have to check your work.

These are careless mistakes.

Maybe I'm not careless.
Maybe I ate lead paint as a child.

- Here. Do it again.
- Fine.

Dad, are you and Mom related?

I'm sorry. What?

Well, if you marry your cousin,
your kids will be stupid, right?

Jake, you're not stupid,
your mother's not my cousin...

...and you're not going anywhere
until you do your homework.

Like I have somewhere to go.

There we go.
You were a hungry little girl.

Of course she was hungry.

She must of dropped half her
body weight in that last diaper.

What a good burp.
Wasn't that a good burp, Charlie?

Oh, yeah. Wait till you
meet my nephew.

He can belch the theme from Shaft.

All right. Good night, sweetheart.

Oh, there we go.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I'm a little tired.
Aren't you tired?

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Was it the breastfeeding? Because
in the restaurant, it turned you on.

I know, but there I wasn't on deck.

So you don't wanna fool around?

It's not that. I'm looking
at the sexiest woman in the world...

...and all I can see is a Thermos.

Charlie, there are things you do with
your penis that aren't exactly a turn-on.

You mean the puppet show?

I thought you loved The Amazing
Adventures of Stretch Armstrong.

That's not what I meant.
Now, come on. Come to mama.

Okay, time. "Come to mama"
bums me a little.

Can we make it
"Come to Catholic schoolgirl"?

Yes, Monsignor.

Hallelujah.

Here you go. Two sugars, no cream.

Oh, perfect. And I don't mind saying,
last night was none too shabby either.

"Dear diary: Coffee perfect,
sex none too shabby."

You know what I mean.

I can't remember
why we kept breaking up.

- You can't?
- Well, I can. I was just being romantic.

- What are you doing?
- Putting on my pants.

You're leaving already?

No.

So why are you putting
on your pants, then?

I don't know.
Did you wanna wear them?

Forget it.

Hey, I've gotta go home
sooner or later.

- Go home whenever you want.
- I can't leave...

...when you're in this mood.
- What mood?

This mood.

Oh, just leave, Charlie.
It's what you do best.

No, it's what I do after
I do what I do best.

Oh, come on.
I was just putting on my pants.

- You wanna spend the day with us?
- The whole day?

- Here are your shoes.
- Hang on a second.

Is this some hormonal
thing because of the baby?

No, it's some kind of
stupid thing because you're stupid.

Any time I don't behave the way
you want, it's hormonal.

Not every time, but you
gotta admit there is a pattern.

You know the pattern I see?

Every time things start going well for us,
you find an excuse to run.

No, no, no. You push me away.

How? How do I push you away?

Like this. You pick a fight over
nothing and say I can't commit.

- You can't commit.
- Hey, I can commit.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Fine. I'll start right now.

I'm gonna stay here all day.

- Really?
- Really.

We're talking a business day, right?

- Hey. How did it go with Lisa?
- I don't think it's gonna work out.

Really? Even with the little baby
there to help smooth things along?

It wasn't the baby.

She has commitment issues.

Oh, that's too bad. Hey, what's that
splattered all over your shirt?

Coffee and breast milk.

What happened?
Did Starbucks merge with Hooters?

Hooterbucks.

I'd like a double-D cup latte, please.

Dad, you gotta sign this.

Another D?
Jake, what is wrong with you?

Well, I have a theory.

Oh, really? Another one. Do tell.

I'm a crack baby.

Kid's a genius.