Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Salmon Under My Sweater - full transcript

Charlie struggles to write a jingle for a new cartoon. Meanwhile, Alan spends time with Rose, and Jake procrastinates doing a book report.

- What you doing?
- I'm working.

You're not gonna get much done
with the TV on.

- What are you, my mother?
- Your mother says that too?

Listen, when you write music
for a living... have to wait for inspiration.

Nope, not yet.

Charlie, wanna come
to the movies with us?

He can't. He's working.

- On what, liver failure?
- Wonderful.

He's my mother, you're my doctor.

Oh, I assume you finished reading
Lord of the Flies for your book report.

Oh, good. How'd you like it?

I thought it was
a timeless American classic.

I see. So tell me, what's it about?

- You mean the book?
- Yeah, the book.

It's called Lord of the Flies...

...and it's about a really big fly...

...that all the other flies pray to.

- And you thought he didn't read it.
- Oh, I was just joking.

It's more like Charlotte's Web,
but from the fly's point of view.

You've had more than a week.
Why didn't you read the book?

- I've been waiting for inspiration.
- Attaboy.

Okay, how's this for inspiration?
We're not going to the movies...

...and you're not doing anything
until you finish reading that book.

- That's not fair.
- Course it's fair. We had a deal.

- You didn't keep your end of it.
- Oh, so now two wrongs make a right?

Bet you didn't see that one coming.

You're really gonna like this book
if you give it a chance.

It's about kids
stranded on a deserted island.

- How'd they get stranded?
- Their plane crashes.

Oh, really. And then what happens?

This one kid named Ralph becomes their
leader, and they form this society, and...

Just read the book.

- One big fly, huh?
- Hey, I took a shot.


- Charlie's working, Rose.
- Oh, what about Jake?

He's studying.

- Hey, do you like smoked salmon?
- I guess.

Good. Then this is for you.

- I don't know what to say.
- Neither do I, most of the time.

But then I start talking,
and stuff just comes out.

So, what are you doing
this fine Saturday night?

I was supposed go to the movies
with Jake...

...but he didn't
do his homework, so...

So you're punishing him by sitting out
here all by yourself, alone and miserable.

What a good dad.

If you still wanna go to the movies,
I'll go with you.

- You and me? Like a...? Like a date?
- Alan, are you asking me out?

- I don't think so.
- Okay.

That was a little awkward.
Come on, we'll catch an early show.

Oh, all right. All right, why not.

I'll sneak in the salmon
under my sweater.

Good. That way, we don't have to pay
for that overpriced movie fish.

- Hey. What you doing?
- Working.

How do you know
when you're on a break?

That's the thing about being a grownup,
my little friend: You don't get breaks.

Is this the new
Oshikuru: Demon Samura??

- Yeah.
- What are you doing with it?

It's being turned into a cartoon, and they
asked me to write the theme song.

- Awesome.
- Yeah?

- Wanna hear what I got so far?
- Sure.

So I'll be, like, the first kid in the world
to hear this.


Now, this is just a rough version,
but you get an idea of the feel of it.


Oh, oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru
Oh, oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru

My, oh, my
He's a demon samurai

Who 's the guy who had to die?

Boy. That really blows.

Excuse me?

- Did you even read the comic?
- Yeah, I looked it over.

Oh, really? What's it about?

It's about this guy named Oshikuru,
who dies...

...and comes back as a,
what do you call it, samurai.

- And he's a demon.
- No.

It's about a teenage boy
in a futuristic society...

...who's possessed by the tortured soul
of a feudal Japanese warrior...

...condemned to walk the earth
fighting the evil he once embodied.

So, what's your point?

He lives in a dark world.
He battles the spirits of the damned.

Your theme doesn't
capture the mood at all. It just blows.

- Okay, okay, you said "blows" already.
- Did I say "big baby chunks"?

All right, fine. Thanks for your input.

Why don't you go read Lord of the Flies,
and let me do my job.

Well, if your job is ruining a great
comic book, you can call it a night.

- I heard that.
- Good.

Oh, no. What do you wanna bet
Shrek here sits right in front of us.

Don't worry. It'll be all right.

You had to eat the chili cheeseburger.

- That wasn't really necessary.
- You'd have done the same thing for me.

I'm not so sure.

- So, Alan, tell me about yourself.
- What would you like to know?

Everything. I really don't know
that much about you...

...aside from the fact that you're
Charlie's brother and Jake's dad.

Graduated from Cal State Long Beach,
married your college sweetheart...

...and in the middle of the night, when
you're half-asleep, you pee sitting down.

- Have you been spying on me?
- No, silly.

I spy on Charlie.
You just get in the way sometimes.

You know what?
Why don't you tell me about you.

Well, okay. Well, let's see.

I, too, pee sitting down,
so we have that in common.

I come from a wealthy family, so I guess
I've had kind of a sheltered life.

You know, fancy private schools
and colleges.

- No kidding.
- What college did you go to?

Princeton. But just for two years.

- Oh, so you dropped out?
- No, I finished.

Then I came back to California
to do my master's at Stanford.

That's amazing.
What's your degree in?

Behavioral psychology.

Hey, Jake. Jake, wake up.
I want you to hear something.

- What?
- I've been working on the song.

- Good for you.
- Come on. Come listen to it.

- I'm sleeping.
- Sleep in school, like everybody else.

I read the comic books cover to cover.

I know the characters,
I know their world.

I think I got it. Listen.

A teenage boy with the spirit inside
Of a samurai warrior who long ago died

Now he's oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru

Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru

My, oh, my
He's a demon samurai

Who 's the guy who had to die?

Still blows.

Yeah, well, you're still short.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry I'm late. We stopped
for a bite to eat after the movie.

- No problem.
- An usher confiscated our fish.

- Hey, can I play you something?
- Sure.

You know, I had a really good time
with Rose.

There's a lot more there
than meets the eye.

Yeah. Cool. Listen to this.
Tell me what you think.

A teenage boy with the spirit inside
Of a samurai warrior who long ago died

Now he's oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru

Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru

My, oh, my
He's a demon samurai

Who 's the guy who had to die?

Very nice. It's snappy.

- You really like it?
- Yeah, yeah. Good work.

Okay, that settles it. It blows.

Berta, you know what's a good book?
Lord of the Flies.

Oh, yeah. I read that
when I was about your age.

- So, what'd you think?
- I liked it.

- It was like Survivor with kids.
- Yeah. I agree.

- Is Survivor spelled like it sounds?
- Just read the damn book.

- Morning, Berta.
- Morning.

Hey, did you know that Rose
has a master's degree in psychology?

No. Did you know I'm a
founding member of the Mile High Club?

- Really?
- Yeah. Me and Orville at Kitty Hawk.

I'd have done Wilbur too, but we were
only in the air for 90 seconds.

Okay, you're kidding, and it's funny.

But the truth is, you and I
see each other every day...

...and we don't know
much about each other.

So you wanna know what goes on
underneath this gruff exterior.

Whether somewhere inside me,
there's a tiny little girl...

...who once dreamed of being
a famous ballerina.

- Is there?
- Lf there is...'s because I accidentally ate one
and haven't passed her yet.

Let me tell you,
I am dreading that tiara.

- Okay. Well, it was nice talking to you.
- Hey, I feel closer.

Oh, are you starting
that book report already?

- Just making notes.
- Good for you. What do you have so far?

Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor,
but with kids.

That's an interesting analogy.
What's your favorite part?

When the first kid
gets voted off the island?

Hey, all right.

Stop trying to be friends with Berta.
It just pisses her off.

What doesn't?

Hey, I was gonna do some shopping,
and was hoping you could watch Jake.

- Sure.
- Ready when you are, Alan.

- Be right there. I'll see you later.
- No, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

- You're going out with Rose again?
- No, I'm not "going out" with her.

- We're just going shopping.
- Morning, Charlie.

You haven't forgotten
that she's a little bent, right?

No, I think there's a lot more to her
than that.

- Deep down, there's a good person.
- Deep down, there's a few good people.

And all of them are bent.

- He'll be right with you, Rose.
- Okay.

- Charlie, everybody has flaws.
- Flaws?

She Superglued my testicles
to my thigh.

That was the past.
We've all done things we're ashamed of.

She's not ashamed. She took a picture,
then used it for her Christmas card.

Thank God it was an extreme close-up.
Most people thought it was a fruit bat.

Okay, well,
I appreciate your concern...

...but I think Rose is a sweet,
smart, interesting woman.

I enjoy spending time with her.
Meet me out front.


- Hey, what're you doing?
- Reading Lord of the Flies.

Not important.

- Now, listen. You're a kid, right?
- Yeah.

Okay. I'm writing a song for kids.

So assuming that
what I've done already blows...

- It does.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Assuming that, you need to help me
make it better.

- But I have to do a book report.
- Okay.

I'll help you with the book report.
You help me with the song.

- Quid pro quo.
- No.


Here you go. Raspberry-mango-banana
with a shot of wheatgrass.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

You know, sometimes
I like to come to the mall...

...and just watch people and make up
stories about who they are...

...and what their lives are like.
- Oh, well, that's fun.

What about that lady over there?
What do you think her life is like?

Well, I'd say she's a smart woman,
but very Ionely.

So used to rejection, it's become
like the air she breathes...

...which is all the more sad
because she's got so much to give.

Emotionally, spiritually, sexually.
Especially sexually.

She is ripe, smoldering
and willing to try anything.

- What about that lady over there?
- Her?

Well, let's see.
She's a little tougher to read.

I'd say she's a smart woman,
very Ionely.

So used to rejection, it's become
like the air she breathes...

...which is all the more sad...

See, even though Oshikuru is for kids,
it's not really a kids' comic.

- It's very mature.
- Okay, I think I got it.

The demons Oshikuru fights
only exist...

...because they are a reflection
of the tortured demons in his own soul.

- Yes.
- So, in essence...

...Oshikuru is like a Japanese
sci-fi version of Moby Dick.

- What?
- You said, "Moby Dick."

I mean, sure, being single
can be Ionely sometimes...

...but it's better than being together
with someone you don't love or respect.

- Is that what your marriage was like?
- Well, according to my ex-wife, it was.

Hey, as long as we're done here...

...why don't we take a drive
down to the beach and take a walk.

- Alan, are you flirting with me?
- Oh, no, no.

I just thought, you know,
since it's a beautiful day...

If you are, it's okay.

- Really?
- Yeah.

There's a lot more to you
than I thought.

- What did you think?
- Oh, let's not spoil the moment.

Okay. So, what do we do now?

- Wanna try kissing?
- Yes, I think we should.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Wanna get a room?
- Excuse me?

Or we can go back to my place,
unless you're afraid of ferrets.

- Ferrets?
- Yeah.

I have five of the toothy little guys.

No kidding. Five ferrets.

- Those are like long, furry rats, right?
- Yep.

And they're all named Charlie.

Of course they are.

Well, as much as I would
love to meet...

...Charlie and Charlie
and Charlie and Charlie...

- And Charlie.
- Right.

I can't help but wonder, is it worth
putting our friendship at risk?

Well, that's a good question.
Let's think about it for a minute.

How good are you in bed?
Because I'm excellent.

Truthfully, I'm more of
an advanced intermediate.

- Then let's stay friends.
- Yeah, good idea.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

What, specifically, turned you off
to the idea of a physical liaison?

Was it the psychosexual fraternal rivalry,
symbolized by the Charlie surrogates?

Or the prospect
of being judged inadequate... a woman who professes to have
superior sexual skills?

Wait a minute. Have you been doing
that behavioral psychology thing on me?

No, don't be silly.

But if I said yes, would that
make you feel A, angry, or B, insecure?

I thought you were gonna
write the report for me.

No, Jake. That would be wrong.

The only way to learn
is to do the work yourself.

Now, these are called Cliff Notes.

Inside is everything you need to know
about Lord of the Flies.

The themes, the characters,
the symbolism.

It's a book report waiting for you
to put your name on it.

Is that legal?

Look around.
Do you see any homework police?

Oh, man. I give you
way too much credit.

Oh, I meant to ask you,
how'd that book report turn out?

- I got a D-minus.
- D-minus?

- Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
- That was 50 pages.

Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy
to cheat.

Has it occurred to you that maybe
he's too honest to cheat?

No, I'm lazy.

- Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.
- Hey, it's on.

Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru
Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru

My, oh, my
He's a demon samurai

Who 's the guy who had to die?

That's not what we wrote.
That's your original, sucky version.

What can I tell you?
The network liked that one better.

- What, are they brain-damaged?
- Welcome to show business, kid.

I still think it's snappy.