Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 23 - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab - full transcript

After finding out that Jake has spent the night at his other grandparents's house, Evelyn insists that Jake spend a night at her place. After convincing Jake to stay at her place, Alan and Charlie worry about how Jake will be affected by his overnight visit.

Hey, Jake, why don't you tell Grandma
about your spring break.

- Bad idea.
- What?

Nothing. I just saw that they're moving
the L.A. Gardening Exposition... the Convention Center,
which I think is a very bad idea.

Thanks for the update.
Go ahead, Jake, tell Grandma.

- It was really cool, l...
- Hang on a second, Jake.

I'm not sure you understand
how serious this gardening thing is.

It's a really bad idea.

I get it. Bad idea.

Go ahead, Jake.

I went camping
with Grandma and Grandpa.

We slept in a tent,
we cooked on an open fire.

And we went hiking and saw a bear.

You let him spend an entire vacation
with his other grandparents...

...and I haven't had him for a night?

Oh, bad idea.

This is unfair and unacceptable.

From the moment
that boy was born...

...Judith's parents squeezed me out.
And you let them.

Interesting point.

Excuse me, Mom,
but when Jake was born...

...Judith's mother stayed with us,
cooking and cleaning...

...and taking care of him.
- Valid counterpoint.

Exactly. She's a pushy, pushy woman.

Personal opinion.

No, no. You went on a cruise.

But Judith was two days late.

And I had nonrefundable reservations.

Like it would have killed her
to get a C-section.

Self-obsessed psychotic rant.

- Mom, are you listening to yourself?
- Stupid question.

Awkward silence.

You wanna spend more time
with your grandson, he's right here.

No. He goes to visit
his other grandparents.

He should come to visit me.

- So you wanna spend a week with him?
- A week?

Alan, I do have a life.

I'm confused.
What exactly do you want?

The same quality time Jake spends
with his other grandparents.

But, you know, less.

I'll tell you what. Bring him
to my place around 6-ish tonight.

I'll make him dinner,
we'll have a fun sleepover.

- Gee, Mom, I don't know.
- Well, why not?

Are you afraid one night with me
will irreparably damage him?

- Yeah.
- A little.

Excuse me. I didn't hear any complaints
when I was raising you two.

The teenage drinking and constant
running away wasn't a slight tip-off?

Oh, you were just
a little drama queen, Charlie.

And let's not forget,
you always came back.

Kind of hard to find steady work
when you're 9.

Whatever. My place, 6-ish.

Judith! I can't just leave him with you
without discussing it with his mother.

Are you telling me you need to get
your ex-wife's approval... let your own son spend time
with your own mother?

He had a really bad lawyer.

You know what your problem is, Alan.
You let women walk all over you.

You get that from your father.

Well, nevertheless,
I still have to clear it with Judith.

- Well, fine, call her.
- Right now?

Well, why not?
Unless you'd rather I make the call.

Probably not home. I'll just...
I'll leave a message.

Yeah. Hi, Judith.

Listen, it's Alan.
Call me back when you get a chance.

Hello? Oh, hi, Judith,
you old call-screener, you.

Listen, I just wanted
to run something past you.

Jake was telling my mom about
the fun time he had with your parents...

...and she thought that...

What do you mean, "no"?
I haven't even asked yet.

Oh, really?
Well, I've got news for you, lady.

You can't say no,
she's his grandmother.

Well, she may be that too...

...but she's still his grandmother
and this is my weekend with him.

Charlie and I turned out fine.

We did too.

Look, he's going, and that's that.

All right then, goodbye.

- It's settled. He'll be there at 6.
- Thank you.

Of course, it is rather short notice.

- Mom!
- Okay. Fine.

But don't get used to this.

I'm not your full-time babysitter.

I played that wrong, didn't I?

No, no. You called mom's bluff
and you stood up to your ex-wife.

You maintained your self-respect,
I'm proud of you.

- Yeah, but what about Jake?
- Oh, Jake.

Jake's screwed.

This has been the greatest day of
my life. Movies, laser tag, video arcade.

Well, that's good.
I wanted today to be special.

- How come?
- Just because I love you.

I love you too, Dad.

You know how people say
you can't buy love?

I think they're wrong.

You hold on to that sentiment.

What's the plan for tonight?
Is it gonna be special too?

Oh, God, I can't watch this.

- What?
- Nothing.

Oh, hey, here's $20.

Wow, thanks.

- You're spending tonight at Grandma's.
- Great. Wait, what?

You're gonna have lots of fun.

- Right, Charlie?
- This is the first I'm hearing of it.

I don't want to go to Grandma's.
Here, take your money.

Come on, buddy.
She loves you very much.

And it's just for one night.

But we were having so much fun.

Think it through, Jake.
Why were you having so much fun?

- You tricked me.
- Attaboy.

What did I ever do to you?

It's not a punishment.

It's not a prize.

- I'm calling Mom.
- No. No, no calling Mom.

I know my rights. I get one phone call.

- I've already told your mother.
- She agreed?

She knows about it.

Uncle Charlie,
can you get me out of this?

It depends. Are you willing to live
in Mexico for a few years?

Jake, please. Do it as a favor
to your grandmother, who loves you.

For me. For Uncle Charlie.

But most of all, for me.

What do I get?

What do you mean?
I spent a fortune on you today.

That was because you love me.
Now you need me.

Oh, God, this is a great kid.

Okay. What do you want?

A motorized Razor scooter,
the new Dragon Ball Z game... iPod mini
and not to go to Grandma's.

- I'll give you three out of four.
- Okay.

Forget the iPod.

- This is the worst day of my life.
- Come on.

You're gonna eat your dinner,
watch some videos, play some games...

...and you're gonna go to bed and
we'll pick you up tomorrow. Promise.

Your word means nothing to me.

Hey, give your dad a break.
So he lied.

You don't get the virgin to the volcano
by telling her you're gonna push her in.

- Can't we just go home?
- No. Now, enough of this.

- I am the adult and you are the child.
- And this is the volcano.

Now, you're gonna go in there
and you're gonna have a nice evening.

- Do we understand each other?
- Yes.

Thank you. Now, ring the bell.

So exactly what time are you...? Hey!

We've done a terrible thing.

Yeah. If only there was a magical liquid
that could erase bad memories.

I am absolutely racked with guilt.

Alan, don't beat yourself up.

You're a good dad who, in a moment
of weakness, betrayed his only son.

Come on, he's not in any real danger.

Not physically,
but you know as well I do...

...that Mom has the ability
to say things that stick with you.

Yeah, forever and ever.

My favorite was, " They must have
mixed you up with another baby...

...because I could never have given birth
to such a hateful child."

Who writes that on
a fifth-grader's birthday card?

How about, " It's no wonder
your father stays at work.

If I could get out of here,
I would too."

Did I ever tell you about the time
I wrote my first jingle?

Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch
the prime-time network debut.

For 30 seconds, 20 million people
were listening to my music.

And at the end,
Mom turned to me and said:

"You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"

- Nice. But I can top it.
- Go.

It's the day of my wedding.
She's sitting there crying.

And I think it's because she's happy.

Turns out it was because she was,
and I quote:

"So relieved you finally found
someone who could love you."

- We gotta go get Jake.
- You're right. Come on.

Great game, ladies.

- He'll be fine.
- Who?

- Jake.
- Oh, yeah. He'll be fine.

- Who?
- Jake.

He'll be fine.

I thought we'd eat Japanese-style.

Good Lord, are you picking your nose?

I had to. There was stuff in it.

And where were you planning
to put it?

I really didn't have a plan.

Don't you dare wipe that
on my furniture.

And not on your clothes either.

- What are you doing now?
- Putting it back.

Here, just wipe your hands.

- Why?
- Because we're going to eat dinner.

And you've been rooting around
in your nostril.

It's okay. I don't eat with my hands.
I use a fork.

- Wipe your hands.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Has your mother or father
ever taken you out for sushi?

No. I don't like raw fish.

- Well, have you ever had it?
- No.

How do you know you don't like it?

It's an educated guess.

Well, why don't you just try it.

Let's start with the tuna, shall we?
There you go.

That's not tuna.

Oh, yes, it is.

I've had tuna.

Jake, it's tuna.

Now, why don't you just take
a little bite. Here.

Dip it in the soy sauce first.

There you go. Have a bite.

You know, there's a girl at school,
Elizabeth Kurzner...

...and her mom ate a bunch of sushi,
and it had worms.

And they grew in her
and crawled out of her eyes.

- Oh, no, they didn't.
- How do you know?

- Just take a little bite.
- Okay.

- Jake!
- It's gross. It tastes like worms.

Jake, stop spitting on my rug.

- Where do you want me to spit?
- Don't spit at all.

- I gotta get the taste out.
- Have some ginger.

- No, Jake, that's wasabi.
- What?

Are you trying to kill me?

No, Jake, don't.
That's an expensive pillow.

Let... Give me that!

Okay, here.

I've just gotta ask.

Playing volleyball on the beach every day,
don't you worry about melanoma?

Alan, walk with me.

Be right back.

- What?
- Listen closely:

No man has ever gotten into a woman's
pants chitchatting about skin cancer.

You can't possibly know that.


Let's steer the conversation away
from tumors, okay?

- Okay. So which one do you like?
- One?

God, in his infinite wisdom, has given us
a big box of assorted chocolates...

...and you're just gonna try one?

So are you thinking, like, two?

I was thinking, like, nine.

- But we'll see what happens.
- You're not serious.

His will be done.

What else do we have to eat?

You mean other than the $50 worth
of sushi in my carpet?


- I don't suppose you'd eat squab.
- No.

- Do you even know what it is?
- No.

But it sounds pretty creepy. "Squab."

Well, what would you eat?

Pretty much anything,
except sushi and squab.

Squab, squab.

Squab, squab, squab,
squab, squab, squab...

- Stop it.
- Sorry.


Would you eat spaghetti?

- I love spaghetti.
- Great.

Would you prefer vermicelli or linguine?


All right. What would you like on it?

Puttanesca, Bolognese, Milanese,
olive oil with truffles?

How about squab?

I'm just kidding. Ketchup.

- Of course.
- And sliced-up hot dogs.

My grandson is a hillbilly.

You know, I'm thinking we should
move this party over to my place.

But we've been playing
volleyball all day.

We're all sweaty and sticky.

No problem.
Mi shower es su shower.

- What?
- I have a shower.

- Good. You live alone?
- Pretty much.

My brother stays with me and he's got
a kid, but he's at his grandmother's.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Yeah, well, we're sweet people.

I was raised by my grandma.
I called her Nana.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

I was raised by my grandma.
I called her Nana.

Oh, yeah.
She was a big influence on me.

She raised me. I called her Nana.

Oh, Jake, what have we done to you?

Dinner, such as it is, is served.

Jake? Where are you?
Come into the dining room!


Alan. Alan, I'm worried about the kid.

What kid?

Your kid. Our kid. I think we should
go to Mom's and get him.

Oh, come on, he's fine.
And it's just for one night.

Which, by the way, is rapidly becoming
one of the best nights of my life.

And grind, and grind.
And step and step and turn.

Alan. Alan, please.

Hey, if you're worried,
why don't you call.

And grind, and grind.
And grind and grind and grind.

- What's her number?
- You don't have her on speed dial?

Hey, if I can't eat it, bang it
or bet on it, it's not in my phone.

It's ringing.

And grind, and grind.
And I'm a lucky boy.

Hello? Mom?

I can't talk to you now, Charlie.

Get that out of your mouth.
Are you an animal?

Mom? Hello? Hello?

And grind, and grind.
And step and step and...

You don't understand, Charlie.

It was a women's volleyball team
and I could've been the volleyball.

- Get your priorities straight, will you?
- I've got my priorities straight.

I've had a kid for 11 years,
but I've never had group sex.

Alan, you didn't miss anything.
It's an overrated male fantasy.

- Really?
- No, are you kidding?

He'd better be scarred for life.

- Mom?
- Oh, hello, boys.

What happened? Where's Jake?

I sent him up to take a bath.

He had hot dogs
and spaghetti in his hair.

Why would he have hot dogs
and spaghetti in his hair?

Because he wouldn't eat squab.


- What are you guys doing here?
- We wanted to see how things were.

- They're okay.
- See, he's fine.

- Let's go back to the bar.
- And take me with you.

- Jake?
- Yeah?

Did you turn the water off
in the bathtub?

- Say goodbye to Grandma.
- Goodbye, Grandma.

Night, Mom.

You realize that in one night,
he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime.

He broke her.

He chewed her up and spit her out.

It was a beautiful thing.

I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan.

I always thought your kid
was a little bit of a simpleton.

Me too.

But clearly, he is the chosen one.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Pull my finger.


And they shall call him Jake.

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