Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 24 - Does This Smell Funny to You - full transcript
Jake amuses the class, but embarrasses his teacher, with an oral report about his weekend. When mother Judith dropped him off, she sneered at the brothers they have a role model function in the weekend, which doesn't fit with teaching Jake to play for Caesars's Palace chips, that may even have serious legal consequences for Alan- who gets a cane punched in the stomach when admitting his name is Harper to Norman, the old husband of Charlie's latest foxy catch, Nathalie, who didn't mention being married. Jake notices very little and understood nothing, absorbed by the search for his lost Gameboy. After Norman punched Charlie on every foot and gave him a gloomy lecture, being a former 'player' himself, he bumps into mother Evelyn, who sends the family and Bertha to the movies and does it with the old coot on Charlie's well-tried couch. Jake's report experience makes nice breakfast conversation at home, but Alan really is't comfortable to hear the boy's notes are at Judith's...
That was very nice, Mindy.
Okay.
Jake, we're ready to hear your report.
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
Now, Jake.
Okay, I'm finished.
- Does spelling and grammar count?
- It's an oral report, Jake.
Oh, so it's like an oral thermometer.
Right.
Good thing it's not a rectal report.
- Just read it.
- Okay.
"My Weekend, by Jake Harper.
Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan's class.
Woodward Avenue Elementary School,
located on Woodward Avenue."
I'm not counting words.
Oh, good.
"My weekend starts on Friday, when
my mom takes me to my dad's house.
Which is actually
my Uncle Charlie's house.
Who is my dad's brother,
making him my uncle.
His name is Charlie, which is why
I call him my Uncle Charlie."
Anyway...
"Even though my parents are divorced,
they still get along."
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Dad.
- How was your week?
- Just fine.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
- Thanks for bringing him.
- Bite me. What the hell...
...went on last weekend?
- What are you talking about?
When I brought him home Sunday
night and served him dinner...
...he tipped me with a $25 chip
from Caesars Palace...
...and told me I had a nice rack.
Well, Judith...
...you do.
That's not the point.
Where'd he get the chip?
Where is he learning this behavior?
Hey, Judith.
Looking good.
Run away, run away.
Did you give my son a $25 chip?
- No, I did not give him a $25 chip.
- Happy?
He won it, fair and square.
You couldn't run away.
I don't care what you do on weekdays.
But on weekends, remember you are
a role model for an 11 -year-old boy.
Oh, that's a bad idea.
Who thought of that?
I'm warning you. Things had better
change or there will be consequences.
Legal consequences. Got it?
- Got it.
- Goodbye.
"There will be serious consequences.
Legal consequences."
"I don't care what you do
during the week.
But on the weekends,
you're a role model."
I enjoy talking this way.
As do I.
"Friday night, I stayed up late.
I watched all three Austin Power
movies with my dad.
We ate Chinese food
and Buffalo wings.
Dad fell asleep during
The Spy Who Shagged Me...
...which, in my opinion,
is the strongest of the trilogy.
By the way,
'shag' means 'sex' in England."
Just read, Jake.
That was a footnote.
- Read.
- Okay.
"I woke up later with a stomachache...
...but felt better after
I went to the bathroom."
If you know what I mean.
- Jake.
- What? It's not like I said:
"I took a dump."
"Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep
but I couldn 't.
Probably because I was thirsty.
So I went into the kitchen for what
Uncle Charlie calls a 'virgin screwdriver. '
But really it's just a glass
of orange juice.
It was late, so I decided
to skip the glass."
Jake?
Hang on.
That one hurt a little.
- What you doing?
- Having a virgin screwdriver.
- Want some?
- No, thanks. I'm good.
- What are you doing?
- Watching TV.
Why isn't it on?
Because I've seen this one already.
- Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke?
- Sure.
Why did the blond stare
at the juice carton?
I don't know. Why?
"Cause the carton said
'concentrate.'"
That's okay. I didn't get it either.
"The next morning
I was pretty hungry because..."
I think you all know why.
"So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad,
and we made plans for the day."
- You wanna go to the museum?
- No. I wanna watch TV.
It's pretty windy out there.
Wanna fly a kite?
No. I wanna watch TV.
- Hiking?
- TV.
- I'll get it.
- TV.
"We decided to watch TV."
- Hello.
- Is your name Harper?
- Yes.
- Then this is for you.
- Why'd you do that?
- Why did you sleep with my wife?
Charlie.
Busy.
I don't care. Open the door.
- I've got company.
- I know.
And her husband's downstairs.
Really?
- You're married?
- Yeah.
I'm not in.
You have to come and deal with him.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
I disagree.
It's not up for debate.
He knows you're here.
Oh, man, I hate when this happens.
This happens a lot?
Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
Charlie, are you coming back to bed?
- Yes.
- Yes? No "yes."
There is an angry husband
in your living room.
How angry?
- Is he packing?
- What?
- Does he have a weapon?
- L... He has a stick.
That's not good.
I could lose an eye.
- Charlie! Come on.
- Fine, I'll wrap it up here.
- Give me 20 minutes.
- Oh, no.
A better idea. Wrap it up now.
- Ten minutes?
- Now.
We got five minutes.
"The weekend was going great, but then
something really bad happened."
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Who are you?
- I'm Norman.
I'm Jake.
Have you seen my Game Boy?
No. Have you seen my wife?
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Ditto.
"I couldn 't believe it.
I lost my Game Boy."
"I couldn't find my Game Boy
in the kitchen or living room...
...so I checked my bedroom
and my bathroom.
Because, as you may recall, I'd spent
a lot of time in there the night before."
- He'll be right down.
- Thank you.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Decaf. I'm already pretty enraged.
Well, that's certainly understandable.
I have cookies too.
- I wouldn't say no to a cookie.
- Good. Come on in the kitchen.
I always find a nice cookie
can brighten up even the darkest day.
Yeah, well, this better be
one hell of a cookie.
- It's a nice house you got here.
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, it belongs to my...
You live in the neighborhood?
- Bel-Air.
- Oh, that's nice too.
Gated community,
but the wife gets out anyway.
Chews through her leash, huh?
Hey, let me get you that cookie.
You see like a nice fella.
I'm sorry I hit you with my stick.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry my brother is...
That's okay.
So women, huh?
Can't live with them.
That's all I got.
- You married?
- Divorced.
- She sleep around?
- No, mostly just slept.
You're lucky.
There's no pain greater than being
betrayed by the woman you love.
You know, these are really very tasty.
Aren't they?
- Good morning.
- Oh, speaking of tasty cookies...
...Norman, this is Berta.
- Hello.
- What is this, a fix-up?
No, no. Nothing like that.
That's good,
because I'd probably kill him.
Nothing personal, Cotton Top.
I just kind of like it rough.
- Have another cookie.
- Thank you.
So is anybody gonna tell me
what's going on?
Well, it's a little complicated.
- Charlie...
- Got it.
Got it? How could you get it?
There's a Rolls-Royce in the driveway...
...and I found these
hanging on the mailbox...
...so I'm guessing that your brother's
got some bimbo upstairs...
...and Norman here is her daddy
or her sugar daddy.
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- I'm the husband.
Judges?
- You gotta give it to her.
- Yes.
- I mean, tough break.
- Thank you.
- You got a gun?
- No!
- Want one?
- Berta!
I'm making small talk.
Okay.
You wanna talk this out like gentlemen,
or you...?
You might've mentioned
he fought at the Alamo.
- No offense.
- None taken.
- Does that make us even?
- You tell me.
Okay. One more.
How about that?
- He poked you, you poked his...
- Berta!
What? How often do you see
that kind of symmetry in life?
Hey.
Hello.
Were you just up in
Uncle Charlie's room?
- Yeah.
- Did you see my Game Boy?
No.
- Did you see my husband?
- The old guy?
- Yeah.
- He's in the kitchen.
Thanks.
Well, that's weird.
If I was a Game Boy,
where would I be?
I am so sorry.
I had no idea that she was married.
I have a firm rule when it comes
to sleeping with married women.
Yeah, if she's firm enough,
he'll do her.
Sorry. Isn't there something
you could clean?
I'm guessing you could
use a good scrubbing.
Wait a minute.
"And suddenly I realized...
...I might have left it
in my mom's car."
Hey, Mom, did I leave
my Game Boy in your car?
Well, can you go look?
Can't you just dry off
and put on a robe?
There's another $25 chip in it for you.
She wasn't wearing a ring.
There was no mention of a husband.
Is that supposed to cheer me up?
- No, no, no. I just wanted you to know...
- Now, now. I get it.
You're a nice guy,
and I married a skeevy tramp.
No, no, no.
I mean, yeah, I am a nice guy...
...but I'm sure Annette
is a lovely woman.
Her name is Natalie.
- Really? You sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
Because I've been yelling
"Annette" all night.
Her name is Natalie.
Well, then maybe this is all
just a huge misunderstanding...
...and I've been upstairs
doing someone else's wife.
Five-foot six, long brown hair,
butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
Left hip, huh?
Hold on now.
A lot of women have butterfly tattoos.
But the one I slept with also had a little
beauty mark in a certain intimate place.
I'm not here to claim a lost wallet.
Okay, let's just assume it's her.
Again, I am really sorry.
It's my own fault anyway.
I should've realized
back when I married her...
...a man my age couldn't satisfy
a woman that young.
If it makes you feel any better,
I couldn't ring her bell, either.
- You couldn't?
- You don't know me...
...but there's things I don't kid about.
So it's not just me.
- That's a relief.
- Tell me...
...about it.
I was killing myself up there.
So anyway...
...are we okay?
You mean, aside from the fact
that you just rolled off my wife?
Oh, yeah. We're aces.
Good. Thank you.
- Can I give you a little advice, kid?
- Sure.
I was a player once, like you.
Do tell.
Does the name Tuesday Weld
mean anything to you?
No.
Joey Heatherton?
No.
The immortal Miss Anne Francis.
TV's Honey West.
- Sorry.
- Well, look them up on your Internet.
They were all hot, and I nailed them.
Really. Well, kudos.
But nothing lasts forever.
There's going to come a time
when you'll wanna settle down.
And I only hope you don't make
the same mistake I did.
I picked a young hottie...
...because I figured I'd die in the sack
with a smile on my face.
That's my retirement plan.
But it doesn't work that way.
What happens is...
...you get your heart broken...
...and you wind up having
coffee with some putz...
...who never heard of Honey West.
Got it.
Thanks for the advice.
Well, I'll be getting home now.
I got lawyers to call, locks to change.
Maybe I'll stop at the market,
pick up some of those cookies.
- Here. Take the box.
- Oh, thanks.
Looks like I'm the big winner
around here today.
- Hello? Anybody home?
- Hello.
- Hello. Who are you?
- Norman.
Oh, hello, Norman. I'm Evelyn.
Is that your magnificent Rolls-Royce
out in the drive?
Why, yes, it is.
- Are you a friend of Charlie's?
- No.
But my wife is.
Did my son polish your trophy wife?
Well, you seem
like a very intelligent man.
I assume you had an airtight prenup.
Bulletproof.
You know what, Norman?
You look a lot like my fifth husband.
Really?
How many times you been married?
Four.
Cookie?
"When Grandma came over,
I thought things couldn't get any worse.
But instead of making me visit...
...she gave my dad money to take me,
my uncle and Berta to the movies.
We saw the Rob Schneider movie
where he plays a stupid guy.
I had popcorn, nachos
and two jumbo red Slurpees.
But as you know,
you don't buy Slurpees. You rent them."
- Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
- Cool your jets.
And if you can't cool them,
point the nozzle away from me.
Oh, God. Mom!
- We can't go in right now.
- Why not?
Because I can't afford to send you
to therapy for the rest of your life.
What's going on?
- Oh, God!
- What? What, what, what?
Good for Norman.
That's getting right back on the horse.
- There's a horse in there?
- No, no. No horse.
- Well, I still have to pee.
- So go water that bush over there.
"And so I did.
And it just goes to show...
...it's always
in the last place you look."
Very nice, Jake.
"Then on Sunday,
we all went out for breakfast...
...with Grandma and Uncle Norman.
I had chocolate-chip pancakes
with blueberry syrup and bacon.
Dad had scrambled eggs
but with no yolks. Just the whites.
They looked like mashed potatoes.
Then the kid next to us threw up
his waffles. It was awesome."
- So, what's new in school?
- Almost got an A on my paper.
What do you mean "almost"?
Got a C.
Okay, that's... That's fine.
That's an improvement.
Minus.
Still, here's your dollar.
You're paying him for a C-minus?
That was our deal. A buck for every C,
a car for every A.
- A car?
- Safest bet in the world.
- So, what was the report about?
- What we did last weekend.
- No kidding?
- Yeah. And guess what else happened.
Trevor Griffin saw a ginormous rat
in the cafeteria.
Yeah, but about the paper.
You wrote about everything
that happened here last weekend?
Well, everything but the boring stuff.
Oh, this could be problematic.
No, it's called "summarizing."
- Can I see it?
- Sure.
But it's at Mom's house.
I gave it to her to read this weekend.
He's 11.
There's no way it stands up in court.
Does this smell funny to you?
Okay.
Jake, we're ready to hear your report.
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
Now, Jake.
Okay, I'm finished.
- Does spelling and grammar count?
- It's an oral report, Jake.
Oh, so it's like an oral thermometer.
Right.
Good thing it's not a rectal report.
- Just read it.
- Okay.
"My Weekend, by Jake Harper.
Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan's class.
Woodward Avenue Elementary School,
located on Woodward Avenue."
I'm not counting words.
Oh, good.
"My weekend starts on Friday, when
my mom takes me to my dad's house.
Which is actually
my Uncle Charlie's house.
Who is my dad's brother,
making him my uncle.
His name is Charlie, which is why
I call him my Uncle Charlie."
Anyway...
"Even though my parents are divorced,
they still get along."
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Dad.
- How was your week?
- Just fine.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
- Thanks for bringing him.
- Bite me. What the hell...
...went on last weekend?
- What are you talking about?
When I brought him home Sunday
night and served him dinner...
...he tipped me with a $25 chip
from Caesars Palace...
...and told me I had a nice rack.
Well, Judith...
...you do.
That's not the point.
Where'd he get the chip?
Where is he learning this behavior?
Hey, Judith.
Looking good.
Run away, run away.
Did you give my son a $25 chip?
- No, I did not give him a $25 chip.
- Happy?
He won it, fair and square.
You couldn't run away.
I don't care what you do on weekdays.
But on weekends, remember you are
a role model for an 11 -year-old boy.
Oh, that's a bad idea.
Who thought of that?
I'm warning you. Things had better
change or there will be consequences.
Legal consequences. Got it?
- Got it.
- Goodbye.
"There will be serious consequences.
Legal consequences."
"I don't care what you do
during the week.
But on the weekends,
you're a role model."
I enjoy talking this way.
As do I.
"Friday night, I stayed up late.
I watched all three Austin Power
movies with my dad.
We ate Chinese food
and Buffalo wings.
Dad fell asleep during
The Spy Who Shagged Me...
...which, in my opinion,
is the strongest of the trilogy.
By the way,
'shag' means 'sex' in England."
Just read, Jake.
That was a footnote.
- Read.
- Okay.
"I woke up later with a stomachache...
...but felt better after
I went to the bathroom."
If you know what I mean.
- Jake.
- What? It's not like I said:
"I took a dump."
"Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep
but I couldn 't.
Probably because I was thirsty.
So I went into the kitchen for what
Uncle Charlie calls a 'virgin screwdriver. '
But really it's just a glass
of orange juice.
It was late, so I decided
to skip the glass."
Jake?
Hang on.
That one hurt a little.
- What you doing?
- Having a virgin screwdriver.
- Want some?
- No, thanks. I'm good.
- What are you doing?
- Watching TV.
Why isn't it on?
Because I've seen this one already.
- Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke?
- Sure.
Why did the blond stare
at the juice carton?
I don't know. Why?
"Cause the carton said
'concentrate.'"
That's okay. I didn't get it either.
"The next morning
I was pretty hungry because..."
I think you all know why.
"So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad,
and we made plans for the day."
- You wanna go to the museum?
- No. I wanna watch TV.
It's pretty windy out there.
Wanna fly a kite?
No. I wanna watch TV.
- Hiking?
- TV.
- I'll get it.
- TV.
"We decided to watch TV."
- Hello.
- Is your name Harper?
- Yes.
- Then this is for you.
- Why'd you do that?
- Why did you sleep with my wife?
Charlie.
Busy.
I don't care. Open the door.
- I've got company.
- I know.
And her husband's downstairs.
Really?
- You're married?
- Yeah.
I'm not in.
You have to come and deal with him.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
I disagree.
It's not up for debate.
He knows you're here.
Oh, man, I hate when this happens.
This happens a lot?
Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
Charlie, are you coming back to bed?
- Yes.
- Yes? No "yes."
There is an angry husband
in your living room.
How angry?
- Is he packing?
- What?
- Does he have a weapon?
- L... He has a stick.
That's not good.
I could lose an eye.
- Charlie! Come on.
- Fine, I'll wrap it up here.
- Give me 20 minutes.
- Oh, no.
A better idea. Wrap it up now.
- Ten minutes?
- Now.
We got five minutes.
"The weekend was going great, but then
something really bad happened."
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Who are you?
- I'm Norman.
I'm Jake.
Have you seen my Game Boy?
No. Have you seen my wife?
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Ditto.
"I couldn 't believe it.
I lost my Game Boy."
"I couldn't find my Game Boy
in the kitchen or living room...
...so I checked my bedroom
and my bathroom.
Because, as you may recall, I'd spent
a lot of time in there the night before."
- He'll be right down.
- Thank you.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Decaf. I'm already pretty enraged.
Well, that's certainly understandable.
I have cookies too.
- I wouldn't say no to a cookie.
- Good. Come on in the kitchen.
I always find a nice cookie
can brighten up even the darkest day.
Yeah, well, this better be
one hell of a cookie.
- It's a nice house you got here.
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, it belongs to my...
You live in the neighborhood?
- Bel-Air.
- Oh, that's nice too.
Gated community,
but the wife gets out anyway.
Chews through her leash, huh?
Hey, let me get you that cookie.
You see like a nice fella.
I'm sorry I hit you with my stick.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry my brother is...
That's okay.
So women, huh?
Can't live with them.
That's all I got.
- You married?
- Divorced.
- She sleep around?
- No, mostly just slept.
You're lucky.
There's no pain greater than being
betrayed by the woman you love.
You know, these are really very tasty.
Aren't they?
- Good morning.
- Oh, speaking of tasty cookies...
...Norman, this is Berta.
- Hello.
- What is this, a fix-up?
No, no. Nothing like that.
That's good,
because I'd probably kill him.
Nothing personal, Cotton Top.
I just kind of like it rough.
- Have another cookie.
- Thank you.
So is anybody gonna tell me
what's going on?
Well, it's a little complicated.
- Charlie...
- Got it.
Got it? How could you get it?
There's a Rolls-Royce in the driveway...
...and I found these
hanging on the mailbox...
...so I'm guessing that your brother's
got some bimbo upstairs...
...and Norman here is her daddy
or her sugar daddy.
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- I'm the husband.
Judges?
- You gotta give it to her.
- Yes.
- I mean, tough break.
- Thank you.
- You got a gun?
- No!
- Want one?
- Berta!
I'm making small talk.
Okay.
You wanna talk this out like gentlemen,
or you...?
You might've mentioned
he fought at the Alamo.
- No offense.
- None taken.
- Does that make us even?
- You tell me.
Okay. One more.
How about that?
- He poked you, you poked his...
- Berta!
What? How often do you see
that kind of symmetry in life?
Hey.
Hello.
Were you just up in
Uncle Charlie's room?
- Yeah.
- Did you see my Game Boy?
No.
- Did you see my husband?
- The old guy?
- Yeah.
- He's in the kitchen.
Thanks.
Well, that's weird.
If I was a Game Boy,
where would I be?
I am so sorry.
I had no idea that she was married.
I have a firm rule when it comes
to sleeping with married women.
Yeah, if she's firm enough,
he'll do her.
Sorry. Isn't there something
you could clean?
I'm guessing you could
use a good scrubbing.
Wait a minute.
"And suddenly I realized...
...I might have left it
in my mom's car."
Hey, Mom, did I leave
my Game Boy in your car?
Well, can you go look?
Can't you just dry off
and put on a robe?
There's another $25 chip in it for you.
She wasn't wearing a ring.
There was no mention of a husband.
Is that supposed to cheer me up?
- No, no, no. I just wanted you to know...
- Now, now. I get it.
You're a nice guy,
and I married a skeevy tramp.
No, no, no.
I mean, yeah, I am a nice guy...
...but I'm sure Annette
is a lovely woman.
Her name is Natalie.
- Really? You sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
Because I've been yelling
"Annette" all night.
Her name is Natalie.
Well, then maybe this is all
just a huge misunderstanding...
...and I've been upstairs
doing someone else's wife.
Five-foot six, long brown hair,
butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
Left hip, huh?
Hold on now.
A lot of women have butterfly tattoos.
But the one I slept with also had a little
beauty mark in a certain intimate place.
I'm not here to claim a lost wallet.
Okay, let's just assume it's her.
Again, I am really sorry.
It's my own fault anyway.
I should've realized
back when I married her...
...a man my age couldn't satisfy
a woman that young.
If it makes you feel any better,
I couldn't ring her bell, either.
- You couldn't?
- You don't know me...
...but there's things I don't kid about.
So it's not just me.
- That's a relief.
- Tell me...
...about it.
I was killing myself up there.
So anyway...
...are we okay?
You mean, aside from the fact
that you just rolled off my wife?
Oh, yeah. We're aces.
Good. Thank you.
- Can I give you a little advice, kid?
- Sure.
I was a player once, like you.
Do tell.
Does the name Tuesday Weld
mean anything to you?
No.
Joey Heatherton?
No.
The immortal Miss Anne Francis.
TV's Honey West.
- Sorry.
- Well, look them up on your Internet.
They were all hot, and I nailed them.
Really. Well, kudos.
But nothing lasts forever.
There's going to come a time
when you'll wanna settle down.
And I only hope you don't make
the same mistake I did.
I picked a young hottie...
...because I figured I'd die in the sack
with a smile on my face.
That's my retirement plan.
But it doesn't work that way.
What happens is...
...you get your heart broken...
...and you wind up having
coffee with some putz...
...who never heard of Honey West.
Got it.
Thanks for the advice.
Well, I'll be getting home now.
I got lawyers to call, locks to change.
Maybe I'll stop at the market,
pick up some of those cookies.
- Here. Take the box.
- Oh, thanks.
Looks like I'm the big winner
around here today.
- Hello? Anybody home?
- Hello.
- Hello. Who are you?
- Norman.
Oh, hello, Norman. I'm Evelyn.
Is that your magnificent Rolls-Royce
out in the drive?
Why, yes, it is.
- Are you a friend of Charlie's?
- No.
But my wife is.
Did my son polish your trophy wife?
Well, you seem
like a very intelligent man.
I assume you had an airtight prenup.
Bulletproof.
You know what, Norman?
You look a lot like my fifth husband.
Really?
How many times you been married?
Four.
Cookie?
"When Grandma came over,
I thought things couldn't get any worse.
But instead of making me visit...
...she gave my dad money to take me,
my uncle and Berta to the movies.
We saw the Rob Schneider movie
where he plays a stupid guy.
I had popcorn, nachos
and two jumbo red Slurpees.
But as you know,
you don't buy Slurpees. You rent them."
- Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
- Cool your jets.
And if you can't cool them,
point the nozzle away from me.
Oh, God. Mom!
- We can't go in right now.
- Why not?
Because I can't afford to send you
to therapy for the rest of your life.
What's going on?
- Oh, God!
- What? What, what, what?
Good for Norman.
That's getting right back on the horse.
- There's a horse in there?
- No, no. No horse.
- Well, I still have to pee.
- So go water that bush over there.
"And so I did.
And it just goes to show...
...it's always
in the last place you look."
Very nice, Jake.
"Then on Sunday,
we all went out for breakfast...
...with Grandma and Uncle Norman.
I had chocolate-chip pancakes
with blueberry syrup and bacon.
Dad had scrambled eggs
but with no yolks. Just the whites.
They looked like mashed potatoes.
Then the kid next to us threw up
his waffles. It was awesome."
- So, what's new in school?
- Almost got an A on my paper.
What do you mean "almost"?
Got a C.
Okay, that's... That's fine.
That's an improvement.
Minus.
Still, here's your dollar.
You're paying him for a C-minus?
That was our deal. A buck for every C,
a car for every A.
- A car?
- Safest bet in the world.
- So, what was the report about?
- What we did last weekend.
- No kidding?
- Yeah. And guess what else happened.
Trevor Griffin saw a ginormous rat
in the cafeteria.
Yeah, but about the paper.
You wrote about everything
that happened here last weekend?
Well, everything but the boring stuff.
Oh, this could be problematic.
No, it's called "summarizing."
- Can I see it?
- Sure.
But it's at Mom's house.
I gave it to her to read this weekend.
He's 11.
There's no way it stands up in court.
Does this smell funny to you?