Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 16 - Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? - full transcript

Alan pays his ex Judith such generous alimony, which he can barely afford, that she can go on holiday to Hawaii for a week and dump their son Jake on him, barely announced. As usual the Harper brothers grin and bear their cross Jake as good as they can, which isn't quit good enough, for one thing because the boy is not too helpful and hopelessly forgetful, reason enough for maid Berta to award herself a permanent raise. The brothers aren't much better: they manage to forget picking up Jake at school, once each, Alan because his workload kills him, then Charlie because he has to bring Jake to school while Alan desperately tries to convince the IRS he pays Judith about every cent he earns; of course everything goes wrong too...

Do you just get up in the morning
and figure out ways to make me crazy?

Is that what you do?
You plot it out?

How can I make Alan
miserable today?

How can I reach into his chest... out his heart, and suck it dry?

- Mom or ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.

- Hi, Judith.
- Charlie says hello.

She says hi.
You're evil and selfish, you know that?

No, no. L... I think that is
a helpful comment.

I pay you alimony and child support
so that you can have a nice house...

...a nice car, every weekend free
because I've got Jake.

And yet you're telling me
you need a vacation?

Oh, really? Oh, really? And what exactly
is stressing you out, Judith?

Is it the weekly manicure?
The housekeeper?

- Boob lift.
- The boob lift.

- That you paid for.
- That I paid for.

- And never got to see.
- And never got to see.

No, no, no. You listen to me.

I think you live a damn fine lifestyle...

...that I work 60 hours a week
to support.

So if anybody needs a vacation,
it's not you. It's me!

All right, then.


Judith's going to Hawaii for a week.

So Jake's staying here.

I'm shocked.

Come on, Jake.
It's time to get up for school.

I can't go to school.

- I'm sick.
- What's wrong?

I think I have acid reflex disease.

Really? Acid reflex disease?

Where does it hurt?

My head?

- Nice try.
- My throat?

Get up.

All right, all right.

I just want you to know,
I'm starting my day really stressed out.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me
to send you to Hawaii?

That would be nice.

What's taking you so long?

- I can't find my other shoe.
- So put on a different pair.

But this one's on already.

Hey, what are you doing up so late?

It's 7 a.m.

- What am I doing up so early?
- Where have you been?

Searching the kingdom
for the woman who fits this shoe.

Hey, that's mine. Where was it?

In the driveway.

Oh, yeah!

Okay, let's go.

- Got my lunch?
- Lunch?

- You're supposed to make me lunch.
- Oh, crap.

This isn't helping my stress level.

I forget. Why are you here
in the middle of the week?

- Because my mom's on vacation.
- From what?


A word of advice: Don't date women
who live near the airport.

It's impossible to sleep in.

I'll try to remember that.

Wish I knew her well enough
to bring her back here.

Well, maybe next time.

Next time?

- My lunch ready?
- It's right here. What are you doing?

- That was for Jake.
- I don't see his name on it.

Okay, fine. You'Il...
You'll have half a sandwich...

...and a banana,
and maybe an orange, and...

...what the hell, an artichoke.

An artichoke?

Maybe you can trade it
for something good.

With who? One of the slow kids?

Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy.

Come on, let's go.

I forgot. I have to write five insightful
questions I'd ask George Washington.

What? Last night
you said you had no homework.

Dad, I just said I forgot.

- Okay, fine. You'll do it in the car.
- I was planning on doing math in the car.

President Washington.

Question number one:

"Have you ever thought of coming
back from the dead as a zombie?"

Jake, I don't think that's
what your teacher had in mind.

Do you wanna do it?

No, no. You're doing fine.

Question two:

"Can you eat human flesh
with wooden teeth?"

Hi, Lorraine. I'm running a little late.

Could you move my 9:30 to 10,
my 10 to 10:30...

...and, well,
you see where this is going.

You don't?

Hang on, I've got somebody
on the other line.


Oh, hi, Mom. Look, I can't talk
right now. I'm driving Jake to school.

Well, Judith's in Hawaii.

No, that does not make me
a doormat.

Patsy is just another word
for doormat, Mom.

L... Lo... I gotta go. I'll call you later.

Hi, Lorraine. I'm back.

No, no, don't put me on hold.

Question three:

"Do you think the Revolutionary War
would have been won sooner...

...if you had an army of the undead?"

This is actually pretty easy.

Lorraine, this is Dr. Harper.

Listen, I'm... I'm gonna be there
in about 40 minutes.

What do you mean,
you're going home?

Oh, come on.
You were premenstrual two weeks ago.

Yes, I keep track.

Question number four:

"What's your opinion of the new,
faster-walking zombies?"

No, no, no. Lor... Lorraine.

Don't cry. Please don't cry.

Charlie, I'm going home.

How many times
have I asked you not to do that?

- I'm going home.
- I suppose you want me to pay you.

Not necessary.
I took the money out of your wallet.

- Fine.
- Guess what? I got a raise.


- You wanna know why I got a raise?
- No, I'm sure I had my reasons.

Because when I took this job,
all I had to do was clean up after you.

And while that may
have been disgusting, it was doable.

And then your brother moved in, which
I accepted with my usual good humor...

...because he cleans up after himself
like a neurotic raccoon.

This is about the kid, right?

Good for you.
That's why you're the boss.

He's just here for a week.
It's a temporary situation.

And yet my raise is permanent.

Sounds fair.

God, what a horrible day.

- Tell me about it.
- Show of hands:

Who spent their day
pre-soaking the shorts of a kid...

...who leaves more skid marks
than a getaway car?

That's what I thought.

Now, if you ladies will excuse me...

...I have three buses to catch.

I bet she catches them by hand.

Yeah, well, I have my own problems.

I was late for work,
my receptionist went home early...

...because, apparently, she has
the reproductive cycle of a jackrabbit...

...and then I had a large,
drunk Samoan man walk in...

...who thought that chiropractor means
"massage with happy ending."

I kept trying to crack his back and
he kept rolling over and winking at me.

- Wow, that's creepy.
- Tell me about it.

So you're gonna see him again?

Or should I say,
are you gonna see him Samoa?

Oh, come on. That was funny.

Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.

You know what your problem is?

- You don't drink enough.
- You're probably right.

This is the first time today I've had a
chance to just sit down and decompress.

- Cheers?
- Oh, cheers.

Oh, that's good.

I keep having this nagging feeling
that I forgot something.

- Lf you forgot it, it wasn't important.
- Yeah, I guess.

I can't believe you forgot me.

I said I'm sorry.

You forgot me.

I know. I feel terrible.

How many kids you got?

- There's a towel on the floor, buddy.
- I'm okay.

I want you to sit on it so you don't leave
a wet ass-print on my leather seats.

You forgot me too.

Yeah, but I'm just your uncle.

He's your father.

Yeah, my own father.

Thanks, Charlie.

Is there any way
I can make it up to you?

- You wanna go out for a special dinner?
- No.

- How about a movie?
- Why?

You're gonna leave me there too?

For the last time, I am sorry.

Won't be the last time.

I just wanna go home.
I'm cold and I'm wet.

If you kick the back of my seat again,
you're gonna be colder and wetter.

Ease up on him.
He's had a rough day.

Yeah, my dad left me out in the rain.

I'm sorry.

What did I tell you?

What's all this stuff on the floor?

I don't know. Junk mail.
Parking tickets.

- What's this?
- Satin blindfold.

- For what?
- What do you mean, "For what"?

In case I run into...

...a pi?ata.

- You're unbelievable.
- Don't judge.

You felt up a Samoan dude.

Hey, this is for me. From the IRS.

It was mailed a month ago.

Damn post office.

Oh, perfect.

- Just freaking perfect.
- Good news?

I'm being audited.

They wanna see me tomorrow.

Oh, well, look at the upside.

What upside?

Yeah, okay, you got me.

How could you forget
to give this to me?

I don't know. How could you
forget your only son in the rain?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Watch the cleats.

Let's go, sleepyhead.
Rise and shine, up and at 'em.

Get out of my room
or I'll kill you with my bare hands.

I'm being audited today.
You have to take Jake to school.

Put him in a cab.

Oh, please. I am counting on you.

Then you're headed
for disappointment.

You need to get Jake dressed,
make him his lunch...

...and get him to school by 8, okay?
- Okay.

- You're not moving.
- Yes, I am.

I'm flipping you off under the covers.

Get up!

All right, I'm up.

So you know what to do with Jake?

You have to be responsible.
You have to be me today.

- Think you can handle that?
- You left him out in the rain yesterday.

It's not like you set the bar real high.

- Charlie.
- Relax.

I think I'm capable
of getting your kid to school.

Good, because I really need your help.

So... So I'm gonna leave now.

You're all set, right?


Get up!

Get dressed.
I'm taking you to school.

I can't. I'm sick.

Yeah, well, bite me.

- Hey.
- Don't... Don't screw with me, shorty.

I only got, like,
nine hours of sleep last night.

- Now get dressed.
- I'm supposed to take a shower first.

Sit near a window.

- Here, put these on.
- I wore these yesterday.

They're still extremely stylish.
Put them on.

- Can I have some privacy, please?
- For what? You're 11.

That's close to puberty.

Okay, okay.

I'm leaving.

What am I, nuts?

Get up!

I could have dressed myself,
you know.

You had your chance.

I look stupid.

Yeah, well, you're close to puberty.

Oh, I forgot to comb my hair.

No, no, no. I'll do it.

That's spit.

Hey, one man's saliva is another
man's mousse. Now shut up.

There, you're beautiful. Let's go.

- What about lunch?
- Sorry, I have plans.

No, you're supposed to
make me lunch.

Oh, all right, come on.

You're not really a morning person,
are you?

You're just saying that
because I spit on your head.

- You like cold pizza, right?
- Sure.

- This is frozen.
- Yeah. If you sit on it...'ll thaw by lunch.

My butt is freezing.

You wanted pizza.

All right, I'll put the seat warmer on.

Cook it from both sides.

- I like it better when my dad takes me.
- Oh, gee, you're not having fun?

Because I'm farting rainbows
over here.

First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.

Hey, you know what?

Your father works like a dog
to make sure you have everything.

If he's not there for you...'s just because he's trying
to stay out of federal prison.

I think he needs to have sex.

I was kidding about prison, Jake.

What do you mean
he needs to have sex?

Well, he's been really grumpy lately.

You're usually in a good mood.
I figure it's because you have sex.

Jake, it takes more than sex
to make a man happy.

You also need money.

All right, have a good day.

- Learn something.
- This isn't my school.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, I don't go to school here.

Well, where do you go to school?

Woodward Avenue Elementary.

- And where the hell is that?
- Woodward Avenue, I guess.

I don't know why you can't
tough it out here for one day.

Make some new friends.

Hey, Alan, it's Charlie.

Look, I wanna ask you something but I
don't want you to read anything into it.

Where exactly is Jake's school?

You don 't know where his school is?

What the hell is wrong with you?

- Are you trying to kill me?
- You could be right about the sex thing.

Okay, Woodward Avenue
Elementary School.

Looks like they're closed.

That's because I'm an hour late.
Even the crossing guard is gone.

How about this? Why don't you just
bag school and we'll go catch a movie.

- I can't skip school. I'm in the play.
- What play?

The founding fathers' play.
You'll be there, right?

Why would I be there?

Because Mom's in Hawaii and Dad's got
that tax thing and you're all that's left.

Oh, I'm all that's left.

Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either.

Okay. Where and when?

In the auditorium after lunch.

Oh, yeah. I need
a Ben Franklin costume.

You're telling me this now?

I told Mom but she's in Hawaii.

All right.

Let's see.
Washington, Jackson, Lincoln.

Here we go. Benjamin Franklin.

Why can't you be Lincoln?

A beard, a mole, a top hat,
we're done.

Because Lincoln
wasn't a founding father.

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Now get out of here.


You forgot your lunch.


God, what a day.

I don't wanna hear it.

You know why I was being audited?

Not because I have unsubstantiated
deductions. Which I have.

Not because I take the occasional
cash payment from a client...

...and forget to report it. Which I do.

It was because no one at the IRS...

...could believe I was paying
as much alimony as I claimed.

It took me three hours
to convince them that, yes...

...I am that big a schmuck.

Oh, boo-hoo.

You want a real fun time?

Try finding an extra small
Ben Franklin costume... 9:00 in the morning.

Oh, right. The play. How was it?

Boffo. A smash.

Among the highlights were a 12-year-old
Chinese George Washington...

...with a powdered wig
and a snot bubble...

...and your kid in a bald cap
and granny glasses...

...holding a Tweety Bird kite and
announcing he's discovered elasticity.

- Oh, I wish I'd seen it.
- Don't worry, you will.

It was videotaped
from about 150 different angles.

I should tell him
I'm sorry I wasn't there.

- Yeah, you should.
- Is he in his room?

Here you go, pal. Your favorite.

Bacon double cheeseburger
and cheese fries.

And for dessert, I got fudge brownies
with that ice cream you like.

Is this supposed to
make up for everything?

- Yeah.
- Pretty much.

Look, Jake, I know it's been rough
and I'm sorry.

We're human, we make mistakes.
But I promise you...

...neither of us will ever,
ever forget to pick you up again.

Yeah, I still wanna go back to Mom's.

When is she coming home
from Hawaii, anyway?

Oh, crap.