Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - Smell the Umbrella Stand - full transcript

Charlie and Alan's weekend trip to Las Vegas has a little trouble getting off the ground.

Well, this is gonna be
a sucky weekend.

Try spending it with an 11 -year-old
who does nothing but complain.

You mean me?

Boy, no wonder they got to
write your name in your underwear.

What am I supposed to do?

- Watch TV.
- There's nothing on.

- Play a video game.
- I've played them all.

- Read a book.
- Yeah, right.

Who's the moron now?

Okay. Here's a rainy day activity.

There are 12 college basketball games on
this weekend.

Dial this number, and ask for Coop.

Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles
and write down everything he tells you.

Do I get to make
some picks this time?

- You got money?
- Lf you pay me what you owe me.

Well, you're getting an education here.
That's priceless.

- What's going on?
- Just talking about picking colleges.

- I like Duke.
- Over Wake Forest?

Got a hunch.

You've got him thinking about college?

You're welcome.
So how'd it go at the doctor?

Sit down,
I have to tell you something.


The doctor wants me
to have a procedure.

- What kind of procedure?
- He says I'm fine...

...and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.

What procedure?

A colonoscopy.

Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal.

They're just gonna shove
a camera up your ass.

Okay, in all future references
to this procedure...

...can we please use
the word "glide" or "slide"... opposed to "shove."

Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually
has to get one of those.

- It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
- You've had one?

No, you crazy?

But I hear there's nothing
to worry about. It's a tiny little camera.

In the old days, they'd send
a sketch artist up there.

Besides, you're unconscious.

That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.

- They could do anything.
- Alan, it's not a pirate ship.

Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.

Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say
on pirate ships.

- Damn it.
- What?

The sink's stopped up again.

That kid doesn't know the difference
between the garbage and the drain.

- What do you want? He's 11.
- That's no excuse.

If he can't tell which hole is which
at his age, he's headed for trouble.

How about that?

Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.

Pirate ships?

Full-service gas stations.

I fail to see the connection.

Cold steel nozzles
going into openings.

Dipsticks being pulled out.

Do I have to draw you a picture?

You know what?

You need to get your mind off
this colonoscopy.

Come on! Get in there, you sucker!

Easy for you to say.

How about this?

How about we hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?

Just like that? What about Jake?

Oh, yeah, Jake.

Okay, how about this, we get him
a fake mustache and a hat...

...and tell everybody his mother
was a heavy smoker.

- I don't think so.
- We can still bring him...

...come on, it's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored...

...and you're all puckered up
over this colonoscopy thing.

It just won't go in.

- Well, it is a three-day weekend.
- Exactly.

And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's
itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover.

Come on, we can be there
in like four hours.

Unless you drive,
in which case I'm not going.

Perfect, now I can't get it out.

You know what? Why not?
One way or another...

...I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free buffet.

Great. Go grab a toothbrush
and we'll hit the road.

Pinky? Berta.

Order a keg and call the gang,
I got the house until Tuesday.

Okay, we're gonna need two rooms.

One for Alan Harper and son...

...and one for Charlie Harper and
a cocktail waitress to be named later.

No, I don't want connecting rooms.

Weren't you listening?

In fact, put mine on a different floor.

Come on, let's go.

Now, what's playing
in your showroom?

Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet.

Okay, this may
sound like a dumb question...

...but is it a family show?

Well, what if the kid had a mustache?

All right. He'll just have to stay in
the room and watch scrambled porn.

- You could help me, you know.
- No, you're doing okay.

- Where's your clean underwear?
- I'm wearing it.

- That's all you brought for the weekend?
- It's only three days.

All right, we'll pick some up there.

They'd last five days
if I turn them inside out.

What's going on? Aren't you ready?

- I'm packing Jake.
- For what, college?

- What the hell's this?
- So he can go swimming.

- Where?
- They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.

Why don't you bring a frying pan,
they got kitchens too.

- Let's see. Sport jacket.
- He doesn't need a sport jacket.

What if we take him someplace nice?

Take him someplace nice?

Alan, if I wanna throw away money,
I'll play keno.

- Can I gamble in Vegas?
- No.

- Why am I going?
- Because all the kennels are full.

Now, come on. Let's go.

- Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
- What've you been doing?

I changed the phone message... tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a first aid kit...

...I turned the fridge thermostat down,
because it doesn't have to be cold...

...I called the paper
and stopped delivery...

...and I erased an old Mad Libs book... we'd have something
to entertain us in the car.

- Mad Libs, huh?
- Yeah.

Let me see that.

Go get packed!

Wait until you see Vegas, Jake.

There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.

How does that help me?

I can't gamble,
and I have to be in bed at 9:30.

Hey, when we go to Disneyland
do I complain that I hate...

...every aspect of the entire experience?
- Yeah.

Well, then you know how irritating it is.

- Blackjack.
- That's it?

Yep. You owe me another dollar.

- This stinks.
- You wanna quit?

Just deal the cards.


Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?

- Didn't your dad tell you?
- He said it was just a test...

...and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up.

- And?
- I don't believe it.

Believe it.

Wouldn't it be easier to go in
the other way?

- You'd think, but no.
- Why do they have to do it?

- They just wanna see what's going on.
- Did Dad lose something?

Because when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.

- No kidding.
- Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.

Well, the house always takes a cut.

- What're you gonna do?
- Hit me.

Okay, okay.
In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me."

If you want a card, you go like this.

Okay, fine.

- Busted. You owe me another dollar.
- What if I didn't want another card?

You go like this.

That's what I meant to do.

There's no do-overs in Vegas.

What's the signal
to go to the bathroom?

There is no signal,
you just get up and go.

Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit and wet yourself.

- You're kidding, right?
- You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks...

...and you got $600 on the table,
do the math.

I have to do math and pee my pants?

Alan, are you ready yet?

Just about.

- And where'd I get the $600?
- You've been saying that for 20 minutes.

- What are you doing?
- Financial planning.

I don't wanna look, but I gotta.

In class, if we have to go the bathroom,
we do this or this.

- Get it?
- Yeah. I got it.

Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks.

Now you made me lose count.

Ten, 10, 10.
Twenty, 20, 20.

Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?

- I have a system.
- Do tell.

I divide my gambling money
into three equal piles.

The first one is for day one.

That I'll put in my money belt.

You're wearing a money belt?

Oh, good, you can't tell.

I was afraid it made me look chunky.

Anyway, the second pile
is for day two. I'll give that to you...

...under no circumstances do you give
it back to me before midnight...

...which would be
the start of day two.

What's the last pile for?

That's the most important pile.

That's the money I hide
in my Frye boot.

- In your boot?
- But I pretend that I don't have it... that if disaster strikes
and I've lost piles one and two...

...then I can pull it out,
and poof, I'm solvent again.

- Okay. I think I understand.
- Pretty clever, huh?

Yeah. That's a nice boot.

- Let me see it.
- Oh, sure.

Get dressed and let's go!


- Twenty-one!
- Turn over your hole card.

Oh, 27.

Close, 29.

Okay, I'm good.


Viva Las Vegas.

- Oh, Alan.
- What?

We're going in a Mercedes,
not a time machine.

Should I change?

You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.

- What's this?
- Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.

- Really.
- Yeah, you'll thank me.

Not all hotels supply shower caps
and sewing kits.

Get in the car. Jake, come on.

- Hold on a second.
- Oh, for God's sake. Now what?

Okay, let's go.

- Well, you don't have a fever.
- I told you, he's fine. Let's go.

Charlie, he threw up in
your umbrella stand. Did you miss that?

So? Vegas is full of people
who throw up.

They built that city on a sea of vomit.

- I'm okay, I can go.
- That's the spirit.

You wanna drive five hours with a
puking kid in the back of your Mercedes?

He can stick his head out the window.
Let the guy behind us worry.

- We're not going.
- Oh, come on.

- It's probably just something he ate.
- All right.

What have you eaten
in the last 24 hours?

Well, let's see,
two bowls of Cocoa Puffs...

...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts,
bag of string cheese.

That reminds me,
we need more string cheese.

Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket
and a Bagel Bite.

Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and a baloney sandwich.

Okay, it's not what he ate.

Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang
and some Cheetos.

That explains the orange vomit.

It's probably a stomach virus.

Oh, please. I throw up all the time.

It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."

- I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
- They have beds in Vegas.

- What if he needs a doctor?
- They have doctors in Vegas.

I bet if we looked around, we could find
a casino with a hospital theme.

You know, Caesars Sinai
or something.

I'll get it.

Hello? Hey, Mom.

Fine. Nothing.

I threw up in Uncle Charlie's
umbrella stand...

...and we're going to Vegas.
- No!

What kind of a father are you?

I am a good father.
When he threw up, I cancelled the trip.

But you were planning to take
my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas.

It's really a family town now.

The mob hardly has
any influence at all anymore.

Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.

Were you planning on
telling me about this?

What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, Mom.

Oh, good, Jake. That helps.

- Honey, why don't you go lie down.
- Why? I'm fine.

Is it too late to get our bets down
with Coop?

- What bets?
- Who's Coop?

Go lie down. You're delirious.

Listen, Judith, I don't think
you understand what's going on here.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- You see, this trip was my idea.
- I'm shocked.

Let me finish.

You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up...

Charlie, don't. It's personal.

She has a right to know.

Judith, Alan got some bad news
from the doctor yesterday.

Oh, my God, Alan. What is it?

Well, the doctor says
I have to have a colonoscopy.

- Are you having problems?
- No, it's just routine.

- So?
- So I'm really nervous about it.

That's it?

Well, it's a long, snaky thing
with a camera.

Oh, please. Your son was
10 pounds at birth...

...and his head was
the same size it is now.

That's kind of apples and oranges,
isn't it?

- Goodbye, Alan.
- Wait, wait, wait, Judith.

- Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
- No, I'm not taking him. He's fine.

Don't think I don't see what's going.
You put Jake up to telling me he's sick... you could pawn him off
while you went to Las Vegas.

He did throw up.
Smell the umbrella stand.

I'm not buying it.
I'll get him Monday night.

And if I find out
you took him to Vegas...'ll get a colonoscopy
from my attorney.

I've seen your alimony checks.

You already got one.

So, what's the deal?
Are we going?

- I don't think so.
- Why? I'm fine.

- Yeah, but your mom said, "No."
- Oh, man.

Don't eat anything orange.

- You wanna know what I think?
- Not at all.

I think if she wanted to
keep you on a leash...

...she shouldn't have divorced you.
- I'm not on a leash. I never was.

You were living here
for three weeks...

...before you were getting up
on the couch without permission.

Can we just drop it?
It was a bad idea.

There are no bad ideas. There's just
a lack of will to execute them.

We're men, Alan. Single men.

We go where we want, when we want
and how we want.

Usually without so much toiletries...

...but I'm trying to be flexible here.
- I explained about the toiletries.

The point is, you can't let your ex-wife
control your behavior... matter how stupid
or self-destructive it might be.

- Charlie, l...
- What profit a man...

...if he escapes the iron shackles
of matrimony...

...only to surrender to sexually frustrated
tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?

You know what? You're right.

- We're men.
- Right, are you with me?

- I'm with you.
- Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas.

- Jake?
- Just a sec.

It's okay. It's mostly water.

I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.

Nope. You're too sick.

Some other time.

I'm really sorry I ruined the trip,
Uncle Charlie.

Hey, it's not your fault.

It's your dad who won't let you go.

- Thanks, Charlie.
- Why should he feel guilty?

Here. Put this on Wake Forest.

Game's over, Jake. They lost.

- What about the spread?
- They didn't cover.

Give me back my money.

Get some rest.

- I'm hungry.
- Get used to it.

- That's some great kid.
- Yeah.

Sick as a dog,
and all he wants is a little action.

Well, he gets that from you.

You think so?

- Because I do try to be a role model.
- I know you do.

Listen, there's no reason
you have to stick around.

He's gonna sleep.
I can keep an eye on him.

No, no, I couldn't go now.

Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas.
You should go.

You're probably gonna have a better time
without Jake and me.

Probably? Unquestionably.

- Then why don't you go?
- I don't know.

It just feels somehow wrong
to abandon the kid when he's sick.

Now you know what it feels like
to be a parent.

How inconvenient.

- What's that?
- It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.



I'm gonna start the IV.

In a few seconds,
you're gonna feel drowsy.

No. No drowsy.
I wanna be out. Completely out.

Don't worry, you will be.

- Right, doctor?
- Aye.

You won't be remembering anything,
me bucko.

Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand
for your children's hospital.

And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.