Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 14 - Don't Give a Monkey a Gun - full transcript

♪ men. ♪

Morning.

Oh, morning, lyndsey.

Have you two officially met?

We have, actually.

Remember
when you were stalking alan

And you followed him
to a restaurant

To catch him with his whore?

I was that whore!

(laughing)
oh, my god.

That was you?



Yes.
You know,
I remember thinking,

"what is such a beautiful
woman doing with alan?"

I thought the same thing
about you.

"what are we doing with alan?"

And here I was worried you two
would have nothing in common.

Care for a mimosa?
Oh, no,

Thanks, I'm recently sober.
I'm cutting down

On the self-destructive choices
in my life.

Morning.

And she's down to one.

Alan:
Oh!

Oh, this is so uncomfortable.
What?

Well, I'm about to have
breakfast with my current lover,

My former lover, and my husband.



Oh, my god,
I'm turning into my mother.

Well, to be fair,

Your mother slept
with a lot more women.

Oh, hey, our, uh,
three-month anniversary

Is on valentine's day.
What should we do?

I don't know. I was thinking
we could get dressed up

And put on some cologne
and get some flowers

And go to
a romantic dinner...

Ooh, I like it.

...With our girlfriends.

Our girlfriends?
But it's valentine's day.

I can't believe I'm in a
relationship with a married man.

Eh. By the third time,
you get used to it.

Walden:
You know what,

That's actually
a really good point.

Since louis' adoption's final,
why are we still married?

Uh, because we love each other.

See? They always promise they're
gonna get out of their marriage,

But they never do.

Alan, I want a divorce.

Wow. Just get right to it.

Happy valentine's day to alan.

Oh, come on.
This was never a real marriage.

And these aren't
real tears, either.

I'm a stone-hearted
bastard, too!

You know what, walden,
you can keep him.

(sighs) all right.

I'll go get him
before I find him masturbating

In a pool of his own tears.

Been there.
Been there.

♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.

♪ men. ♪

Can we make pancakes?

Oh. You know, I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't right now.

I'm k... I'm kind of busy.

Y-you remember how I told you

That alan and I aren't gonna
be married anymore?

(sadly):
Yeah.

Are you sad about the divorce?

No. I'm sad about the pancakes.

Hey.
Oh, hey.
Great.

Uh, you know what, I'm working
on our divorce papers.

I need you to sign
right here.

What about dividing our assets?

Well, we both get what we had

When we came into the marriage.

So you get the house and the car

And the billion dollars
and the private jet?

Yep.

And you'll get that shirt.

You know what?
I'll go first.

You know, this isn't easy
for me either.

Does the beach house
and the private jet

And the billion dollars
make it easier?

Duh.

But this is still the best
relationship I've ever been in.

Hmm. It's funny.

When judith and I got
divorced, she said,

"if you don't leave,
I will kill you."

I believed her.

Here. Your turn.

I can't. My hand
knows it's wrong.

Your hand does a lot of things
it knows is wrong.

Just sign it.

(sighs)

(sighs)
good-bye...

Dr. Alan harper-schmidt.

I hardly knew ye.

Thank you. I really appreciate
you doing this whole thing.

You know, in fact, I'd like to
get you a gift to say thank you.

Well, that's very nice, but
I didn't do it for a gift.

You're my best friend, and
I would walk through fire...

What kind of a gift
are we talking about?

Whatever you want.

Don't worry about the cost.
You deserve it.

Oh, wow.

This is exciting.

You're like a genie.

What do I rub to make
my wish come true?

I heard it.

Oh. I-I already know
what my wish will be.

You can't wish for more wishes.

Damn it.

So-so what are the limits?

Are we talking
a trip to disneyland?

More than that.

Owning disneyland?

Less than that.

I really want to own disneyland.

Then the little mermaid
can't tell me,

"pictures with children only."

Okay, I-I know my parameters,
I just have to think about it.

Can I have a wish?

I'll give you a hint:
It's pancakes.

You know what, fine,
I'll get you pancakes.

That's how it's done.

♪ men. ♪

I'm sorry, so, after living
in his guesthouse for free

For four years,
your billionaire friend

Is granting you a wish?
(scoffs)

Just one.
(scoffs)

This is so hard.

Yeah. What do you get
for a guy who has... Nothing?

No, I'm serious.

This is a very
tricky negotiation.

He'll-he'll hate me
if I ask for too much,

But I'll hate myself
if I ask for too little.

I mean...

I'll hate myself either way,
but I could be hating myself

While michael caine
is my butler for a day.

(imitating michael caine):
Shall I bring the volvo
round then, sir?

Okay. What do you have so far,
besides michael caine?

Well, right now there's
a range of things.

A new computer,
a real bed,

Um, $10,000 to my
favorite charity...

Wow, that's very generous.

That was just in case
somebody else saw my list.

Don't you think it should be
something that lasts

For a while, something
that sets you up for the future?

Uh, number five,
penis enlargement.

Just promise me
you'll pick something practical.

Right. Right. Practical.
Got to think practical.

Hey, um, if you had
the right kind of saddle,

Could you ride
a giant panda?

♪ men. ♪

Don't peek.
I want it to be a surprise.

Please don't be
a panda.

Please don't be a panda.

It's not a panda.
But that would be awesome.

Can you ride a panda?
(scoffs)

I wish. Apparently
it's animal cruelty.

Peta ruins everything.

Can I uncover my eyes?

Uh, ooh, one second.

Is he getting naked?

If he was,
I'd be covering my eyes.

Alan:
Okay, open your eyes.

Wow.

What do you think?

I think he should've gotten
the penis enlargement.

This thing must
have cost a fortune.

Oh, it's not as expensive
as you think.

Plus, I traded in my volvo.

Yeah, it paid for
his first tank of gas.

You had one wish
and this is what you asked for?

Yeah. Five people flipped me off
on the way home.

It was awesome.

Walden:
Oh, plus,

You won't have to
explain your relationship

To your friends anymore.
They all ask,
mmm.

"what are you doing with
alan?" but nobody asks,

"what are you doing with
the guy in the ferrari?"

Berta:
Oh, wow.

Sweet ride, walden.

Finally a car
as pretty as you are.

It's actually mine.

There is no god.

Alan, we talked
about this.

I thought you were gonna get
something practical.

I thought so, too.

But michael caine is out
of the country shooting a movie,

So here we are.

Couldn't you have talked
some sense into him?

I told him to get
whatever he wants.

Don't hate the genie,
hate the wish.

Right now I hate the idiot
who wasted it on a ferrari.

Lyndsey, w-wait, wait.
We can take it for a spin.

I'll let you drive!

Not a chance.

What the hell? I really thought
she was gonna like it.

I know. Me, too.

Hey, berta, uh, if you had
one wish, what would you get?

Have you signed the
divorce papers yet?

I did.
Then I'm good.

♪ men. ♪

Oh.

Hey. Have you, uh,
heard from lyndsey?

No.

I even pulled out the big guns.

I texted her a picture of
my penis with a sad face on it.

Why would that work on her

When it never worked on me?

(door opens)

Hey, walden.

Alan, why did you send me
your sad penis pic?

I-I'm sorry.
That was for lyndsey.

Come on, man!

Grow up.
She's seen it in person.

Yeah, and it was sad then, too.

Yeah, well, that sad penis

Is driving around
in a brand-new ferrari.

Why can't you talk
like a person?

Wait, so you used your wish
on a ferrari?

And how did lyndsey feel
about that?

Well, she hated it,
and I just don't know why.

I-it was like our anniversary
lunch at hooters all over again.

Don't you know anything
about women?

Uh, you and I dated-- I think
you know the answer to that.

You had the chance to do
something for you and lyndsey,

And instead you did something
just for yourself.

Walden:
You know what?

This is my fault.

I gave you
too much power.

You don't give
a monkey a gun.

Did we learn nothing
from planet of the apes?

So how do I make this right
for lyndsey?

Oh. Maybe you could paint
a smiley face on her vagina.

If she had one wish,
what would it be?

To be married to him.

Okay, that's probably true,

But she can't have walden.
(chuckles)

And make sure she knows that.

But I think you might
be on the right track

That she would
like a commitment.

Wow... A commitment.

(chuckles)

For years, I-I felt
I should marry lyndsey,

But, uh, it's never
the right time.

Maybe now is the right time.

I just...

Wish I had the money
for an engagement ring.

I'm not getting you an
engagement ring and a ferrari.

How 'bout a promise ring
and a beemer?

♪ men. ♪

♪ men. ♪

Wow.

I've never been to a high-end
jewelry store like this.

Really? Where'd you get
your engagement ring
for your ex-wife?

Well, when I met judith,
I was working at a funeral home.

I'll let you
figure out the rest.

(clears throat)

(lock buzzes)

I don't think
I belong here.

You know, I-I feel
out of place.

Just follow my lead,
and keep it classy.

Hi. Welcome to bj's.

(muffled laughter)

I'm sorry.
(both laugh)

(laughing):
Um, what does "bj" stand for?

Bountiful jewels.

Oh. You know, I...
I love your ads.

Uh, uh, "want a
diamond, give a bj."

Uh, uh, how about this one?

If you're gonna
get down on your knees,

You better be giving a bj.

(both laughing)

We've heard them all, sir.

So, what can we do for you guys?

Uh, well,
to celebrate our divorce,

I'd like to get my ex-husband
an engagement ring

For his on-again,
off-again girlfriend.

Oh, and I might need your card,
in case I propose

To my girlfriend,
his ex-girlfriend,

Our social worker.

Also, do you validate?

We do.
So, what kind of cut

Were you thinking?

Oh, well, a-a cushion cut
is très in vogue right now.

Oh, on the other hand,
ever since I was a little boy,

I had my heart set
on a princess cut.

I think that she's asking
what lyndsey would like.

Oh, uh, right, um,
uh, the bride, uh, lyndsey.

Um, uh, well, you know,
she has very common taste,

So, you know, probably round.

Well, what do you think
of these?

They are both a minimum
of four carats each.

Oh, and, uh,
how much are they?

Oh, dear lord!

I think I just dropped
four carats in my pants.

Don't worry about the price.

Just get what you want.

Wow. Lyndsey is very lucky

To have a man like you
in my life.

So, do you
see anything you like?

They all look good under
these showroom lights.

I need something
that looks good

In a rent-controlled
apartment in van nuys.

Then I suggest this one.

It's flawless.

Oh. Well,
I'll take it.

It'll remind her of me.

Why? Does the diamond
fart a lot?

I'll just go wrap this up.

Wow. Wow!
(laughs)

It's really
happening.
Yeah.

You're getting married.

I know. I know.

Pretty soon, I'll be
moving out of the house.

(laughs)
I mean,

I certainly wouldn't expect you

To let lyndsey and I live
in your guest room.

I mean,
that'-that'd be ridiculous.

(laughing):
Wouldn't it?

(laughs)

Wouldn't it?

Hm... I have the house
all to myself.

I hadn't thought about that.

All:
Yay!

Thank you.

Well, we should
do this more often.

We never get
together anymore.

Oh, we wouldn't miss
your 50th birthday,

Here in the year 2030.

Why are you telling
us what year it is?

I don't know. I was just
providing some context,

In case people
missed the subtitle.

Well, I really appreciate
you all being here.

And, louis, I'm glad you could
take time away from college.

I wouldn't miss it, dad.

Although, today is the big game

Between jupiter state
and moon university.

Go... Craters!

Wow. Things sure are different
in the year 2030.

Yeah. Lots of things
are different.

(sputters)

Berta:
All right.

I'm out of here.
What?!

No. You're leaving?

Yeah. I want to get home

And watch the series finale
of the big bang theory.

Matthew mcconaughey
is guest starring.

I didn't know president
mcconaughey could act.

We should really
get going, too.
Yeah.

Oh, no! No. Come on,
stay, guys. The-the...

Wait, wait. Why don't you...
Why don't you stay the weekend?

I've have all
these extra rooms.

God, walden, I am a
successful businessman.

I don't need to live in
your house for free anymore.

I live in lyndsey's
house for free now.

Bye, guys.
Happy birthday.

Well, I guess it's
just you and me.

And louis.

Walden:
Oh, yeah, but

He's just a hologram.

I've got to go.

(echoing): It's pancake day
in the cafeteria.

Now it's really just
you and me. Hmm.

You want some cake?

Hey, babe. Ready to go?

I sure am.

Rain check on the cake?

How the hell
did you not age?

I'm michael freakin' bolton.

(laughs)

And thanks
for introducing us.
Mm.

Get out of my house, bolton.

Bye, walden.

Yeah, bye, walden.

♪ when a man steals a woman.

Wait, no!
No, no, no, don't leave!

I don't want to be alone!

I don't want to be alone.

Oh, walden,
what-what are you talking about?

No. You can't leave me.

I'll give you
anything you want.

You can sleep in
the master bedroom,

And I'll sleep on the futon.

Just, you can't marry lyndsey!

Wait...
You can't ask that of me.

I'll give you the house!

What's your return policy?

You can't give back a bj.

Oh, god...
I'm gonna die alone!

Well, walden, relax.

No, I can't relax.

I have seen the future!

Ms. Mcmartin has
beautiful new boobs,

But I don't get the boobs.

Bolton gets the boobs.

And louis-- he won't come
home from moon college!

Oh, calm down.
Calm down, walden.

Now, I want you
to take a deep breath

And tell me every detail
about ms. Mcmartin's boobs.

I can't breathe.

I need air.

(high-pitched gasping)

Everything is spinning!

My whole world is coming apart!

Could you please buzz me out?

(lock buzzing)

♪ men. ♪

Hey, hey, don't
beat yourself up about this.

I mean, everybody freaks out
a little bit every now and then.

I mean, it's like...
It's like when I, uh, lost louis

For two hours at the mall.

What?

Uh, he found a wetzel's pretzel
in the trash.

It was fine.

I'm sorry
I caused a scene back there.

Everything hit me all at once,

And I had this terrifying vision
of the future,

Where I-I ended up all alone
in this house.

Terrifying?
Next to my mother dying,

Being alone in this house
is my favorite dream.

Oh, it's just, when I think
about the rest of my life,

You're the one constant.

And I know

I joke a lot
about you moving out,

But the only thing...
Worse than...

You staying is you leaving.

Don't you think I'm scared, too?

I mean,

I'm trading you
for someone ten years older

And a billion dollars poorer.

Don't put it that way
in the proposal.

Good call. See?

I'm always gonna need you.

And look, it's not like
I'm leaving tomorrow.

Plus, even after lyndsey
and I are married,

We're still gonna
see each other.

You mean it?

Of course.

I gotta do something
while lyndsey's at work.

♪ men. ♪

Thank you both
for inviting me to dinner.

Well, we just wanted
to cheer you up.

I'm really fine. I'm pretty used
to alan disappointing me.

That's alan.
He disappoints us,

Then he redeems himself,
only to disappoint us again.

Yeah.

It's the great circle of alan.

Hello, lyndsey.

Alan!

Why are you dressed
like the waiters?

That's an unfortunate
coincidence.

I didn't know the restaurant
was gonna be this nice.

What's going on?

Hold that thought
until you hear this.

Um, everybody,
this is scott.

Uh, he is available
for lessons

At the valley west
community college.

Uh, please inquire
after the performance.

There you go, paid in full.
Now play.

(playing romantic melody)

Lyndsey ruth anne mcelroy...

What are you doing?

The right thing for once.

I've been in a lot
of relationships...

Oh, three of whom
are at this table.

But none of them even
come close to what we have.

From the moment I met you,
I knew you were too good for me.

Oh, that's so sweet.

And so true.

Walden asked me to pick anything
in the world that I wanted,

And I pick you.

Ah.

Will you marry me?

That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me,

But I hope you didn't do
anything as silly as waste

Your wish on ring...
(gasps)

I'm a princess!
I'm a pretty, pretty princess!

(yells)
is that a yes?

Yes!
Ah! (laughs)

That is so sweet.

It's so beautiful.
So moving.

So... Romantic.

In fact... Ms. Mcmartin,

Will you...?
No.

Right, it's too soon.

Don't leave me.

I'm so happy.

This is really
a new beginning.

It is. We get our own place,
our own things, new jobs...

Oh, perfect.

Started the day
with a ferrari,

Ended it with a
wife and a job.

♪ men. ♪

♪ men. ♪

Thanks again
for the engagement ring.

Thanks for being
such a great friend.

Oh, please.

You gave me
a new lease on life.

I mean, after we lost charlie,
I thought we were done.
We?

Well, you know, me,
uh, berta, jake,

My mom, lyndsey,

All the crazy characters who've
walked into this amazing house.

Yeah, it's been a pretty
wacky last four years, huh?

Yeah. (laughs)

Had a lot of laughs.

Imagine how weird
it would be without the laughs.

♪ men. ♪