Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 13 - Boompa Loved His Hookers - full transcript

In bed with adoption officer McMartin, Walden realizes she's a loon and ponders breaking up. Hearing that Alan turned down moving int a new home with Lyndsey to stay in the beach-house, Walden concludes they're wasting their best opportunities and risks telling the truth, as previous disastrous revelations didn't actually mes up the adoption. That works out for both of the men, or at least initially.

♪ Men. ♪

Sex is so much better
with someone you know well.


That's why so many
marriages last forever.

But it's true, it's true--
sex is better when you,

you know, you know the
other person's rhythms,

what they like,

which leg they can
put behind their head.

I'm still impressed
you can do that.

Uh, yoga.

When I started, I was
single and I wanted to be

flexible enough to
give myself a...

You know, I, uh, I-I really
would have missed you

if you moved to
San Francisco.

Aw, me, too.

Although maybe I should have
waited to sell the house.

I got to be out of here in two weeks.

I could help you
find an apartment.

Unless you want me to
stay out of your hair.

Hey, that's the second
time I said that tonight.

Actually, I really
could use your help.

I mean, unless
you're busy with work.

Oh, I love you, Lyndsey.

I love you, too, Alan.

You want to go again?

You satisfied me
the first time.

♪ Men. ♪

Walden, do you
believe in destiny?

I believe in

Destiny's Child.

I'm serious.

Think of everything
that happened

that led us to this moment.

Oh, see, that...
I'd rather not.

I know you don't want to talk
about my relationship with Alan.

No, I don't.
I don't even like

sharing a cab with Alan.

But don't you see? If Alan
and I hadn't been together

and I hadn't freaked out
when he rejected me,

you wouldn't be here
to comfort me.

In a way, I just want to say

thank you, Alan Harper.


Thank you, Alan Harper.

So-So you are
aware that you...

...freaked out a little bit.

You mean when I showed up
to your house at midnight

in the rain or when I followed
Alan for 12 straight hours

and peed in a bottle
in my car?

I didn't know you
did that. That's...

Look at us, getting
to know each other.

So-So was that

out of character for
you, would you say?

Well, I admit, I am not
good with rejection.

Who is?

Well, don't worry.

I am never, ever
gonna let go of you.

I believe you.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x13 ♪
Boompa Loved His Hookers
Original Air Date on Feb

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ Men. ♪


I'll let you know when I'm done.

Okay, once again,

I will buy you another
Lego mini figure.

We don't have to wait
for that one to come out.


Oh, you always know
when I've had sex.

What gave it away?

The bounce in my step
or the glow in my cheek?

No, it's probably the, uh, text

I got from you that said,

"Guess why I can't see
my penis right now."

I was bored.

So, uh, how was your little
talk with Ms. McMartin?

You know, about that whole
situation-- you and her--

I just... you know, maybe
I just judged you too harshly.

No, no, I was... I deserved it.
I-I was stupid and weak.

And besides, bitch be crazy.

Yeah. Well...

bitch be my girlfriend.

Oh, my God.
You didn't.

After all the crap
you gave me?

"How could you sleep
with our social worker, Alan?"

"Get your penis
out of my business, Alan."

"That's not what yoga
is for, Alan."

Okay, fine, I admit it.
I-I made a mistake.

I just... I Alan'd
this whole thing up.

My name as a verb. I like it.

So-So how did this happen?

I don't know. I just...
I went over there and then...

she got all emotional

and kept calling herself
a loser and then...

Okay, and then
she started to cry.

Oh, crying. She used that
to turn me on, too.

What? No. I-I comforted her

and then one thing led to an...
You're a freak.

Hey, hey, don't call me a freak.

You're the one who Alan'd it up.

You know what,
maybe it'll be okay.

I mean, she only goes crazy
when she gets rejected,

so I just have to keep her
happy for a couple days

until we finalize
Louis's adoption.

See, I just...

I feel bad, 'cause...

I mean, she already fell
head over heels in love with me.

She Walden'd you.

You know what?

Go Alan yourself.

Thanks to yoga, I can.

♪ Men. ♪

This is great.

Lots of natural light,
hardwood floors,

and it's next to a Chipotle6

I can't wait for our first
post-booty burrito.

It's also right
across the street

from a really
cute bookstore.

Remember books?

And-and you saw how
big those closets are.

I could live
in those things.

Not a good idea.

I already have
enough people asking me

if you're in
the closet.

People think I'm gay?

That's hilarious.

Can't wait to tell my husband.

So... do you
really like it?

What's not to like?

This place is amazing.

Good. 'Cause I was thinking

maybe instead of visiting,

why don't you
move in with me?

In this dump?

You just said
you liked it.

That was when I thought
it was for you.

But for the two of us?

There's no study.

Where would I write my novel?

You're writing
a novel?

Well, when I finish
my screenplay.

Do you not want
to live with me?

No, of course I do.

But I-I want our place
to be perfect.

Like you.

Uh, and I don't care how long
it takes to find it.

You have two weeks.

Two weeks?

That's-that's plenty of time
to find an apartment

Vampire Hunter.

♪ Men. ♪

There you are!


There you are!

In my kitchen.

Holding a knife.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, I peed a little, so...

good job.

How did you get in here?


I told her
I was cooking for you.

She said, "Great.
Clean the toilets, too."

Then she grabbed a six-pack
and she went home.

So it's just me and you.

There's no witnesses.

You are so funny.

It's like dating
Jimmy Fallon.

I'm making you
crab cakes.

What...? Really?
I love crab cakes.

I know.

You told me the happiest summer
you ever had

was when your family
rented that house in Maryland

and your grandpa
took you crabbing.

I remember when we were there
and he said,

"You know, when you turn 18,
I'm gonna take you to Vegas

and we'll get
a different kind of crabs."

Ah, yeah.

Then he laughed.

Oh, how Boompa
loved his hookers.

Hey, this is very nice,
but maybe next time...

Oh! I also have
your favorite dessert.

Did I tell you
about Gam-Gam's apple pie?

That's not Gam-Gam's pie.

♪ Men. ♪


Oh, hey.
Where you been?

Apartment hunting.

Are you... Really?

Oh, my God,
you do hear my prayers.

Don't get excited.

It was for Lyndsey.

Oh. Damn you.

But get this: She asked me
to move in with her.

All right, you got me.

There's no way I'm doing it.

Ah, you're dead to me!

So, uh, how's it going
with Ms. McCrazy?

You know what?
That'll be enough of that.

Oh, sorry.

She might be listening.

No, I'm just...

Seriously, Ms. McMartin is
a genuinely nice person.

I just...

I feel bad about, like,
stringing her along.

Yeah, but you can't
break up with her.

It'll jeopardize the adoption.

I know, but, like, lying to her

just seems cowardly and selfish.

Well, you know what they say.

One man's cowardly and selfish

is another man's approach
to everything in life.

No, you know what?

She didn't take Louis away

when she found out
our marriage was fake.

And she didn't take him away
when you dumped her, so...

Like, she's gonna do
the right thing.

So am I.

Good for you.

You make me want to be
a better man.

Hey, uh, i-is Louis home?

No, he's staying
at a friend's house.

Good. I can watch porn
without headphones.

Oh, I get it now.

I'm in hell.

♪ Men. ♪

Come on, baby.

Get off that laptop and
get on top of this lap.

I'm trying to find us
a place to live.

Oh! How about this one?

It's got a community hot tub.

Yes, that's great.

Uh, because when
I'm stuck in traffic,

uh, and I look at the
stranger in the next car

and he's picking his nose,
I'm always thinking,

"Boy, I'd like to sit in
stagnant water with that guy."

Okay, no hot tub.

Hey, how about
a two-bedroom loft downtown?

It's got a washer
and dryer.

And no green space
for my herb garden.

Do you even know me?


Describe your perfect place.

Uh, it's a
beautiful home,

it's on the beach,

it has a housekeeper

and it's owned
by a billionaire

who doesn't monitor
his change jar.

You're just describing
this house.

Wow, you're right.

That worked out.
Let's have sex.


I've made a lot of
changes in my life

and I was excited about
starting all over with you,

but I cannot go through
this same pattern

over and over again.

You love this house
more than you love me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that a question?

Good-bye, Alan.

Oh, come...
This is so unfair.

Until you went to
rehab last month,

you loved vodka
more than me.

And when I've had
too much house,

I don't get naked
in the Walmart.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, hey, uh, Berta.

When Ms. McMartin gets here,
can you give us some privacy?

I gotta talk to her.

Oh, God.

When are you gonna stop
proposing to all these women?

Zoey, Kate...


actually, I'm gonna
break up with her.

If you want, I can pull
together a breakup kit

like I used to do for Charlie.

It's a pint of Haagen Dazs,

a bottle of wine

and the only copy
of your sex tapes.

Hey, Walden.

Hey, Berta!

What's your favorite flavor
of ice cream?


No reason.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Why are you with me?

Good, good. How are you?

Are you with me
because you're afraid

if you break up with me,
I'll screw up the adoption?



Come... I just, uh...

Berta, how we coming
with that ice cream?

Please be honest with me.

Okay, to be honest...

yeah, I did think that.

But then I realized
that you would never

ever do something like that.

I was doing that.

I knew it!

This morning,
I was going over your paperwork,

and I literally considered
postponing the final hearing

because I was afraid,
as soon as it happened,

you would leave me.

I would never do that to you.

I was gonna break up
with you right now.

So, you agree.

We shouldn't see
each other anymore.


What's this?

It's the final adoption forms.

You have a court date tomorrow

and everything's
gonna sail through.

Louis is yours.

Oh, really?

Oh... oh, my God, thank you.

Ah, you know this is a

"thank you for being
a great social worker" hug,

not a "I want you back" hug.

Yeah, I know.

And don't worry, I'm
not gonna go all crazy

and freak out on you.

Come on, I know that.

I froze your sperm.

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, buddy, here we go.
This is the first time

we're walking into this house
as an official family.


Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt

and a big pile of Schmidt.


Hey, you know, now
that you're my son,

someday all of this
is gonna be yours.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

So, what should we do
to celebrate

this special family day?

I'm going to play
Legos in my room!

Oh, oh, uh, you mean,

"I'm going to play
Legos in my room, Dad."

I'm going home to get high.

I mean, I'm going home
to get high...


Seriously, I'm happy for you.

And I want you to know I'm,
I'm here whenever you need me.

Alan, you're not
getting the house.

Damn it!

This is weird.

Feel like I should be
doing something dad-like.

Like drinking beers outside.

Or grilling something.

You know, something manly.

Oh, perfect!

Uh, I have a nice, thick

Portobello mushroom
you can grill.

I said "something manly."

Well, if you close your eyes,
you'll swear you have

a piece of meat in your mouth.

I'm never closing my eyes again.

Just give me a beer.

So, uh, how's it going
with Ms. McMartin?

She seemed a little standoffish
at the courthouse.

You know, I think
she was just trying

to keep things professional.

There's nothing going on
between us anymore.

Guess it doesn't matter.

We always knew it would
end up like this.

Just you and me.

Couple of cool bros,

couple of chilled brews...

and a couple of grilled 'bellos.

Stop trying to shove
your mushrooms down my throat!

My point is we don't need
anything else to be happy.

Or anyone.

Right, right!

Let Lyndsey move
to San Francisco.

There's no way I'm giving up
all this for her!

I mean, look at this house!

Look at the ocean and the view!

That's why you broke up?

You had a choice between Lyndsey

and this house,

and you chose this house?


Okay, you gave up a relationship
with a woman who knows

everything about you
and still wants to be with you

because you didn't want
to leave this house?


Okay, as I'm saying
this out loud,

you are realizing what
a moron you are, aren't you?


But-but I'm not the only one.

Ms. McMartin is perfect for you.

Come on, you're the one
who said she was crazy.

Yes, yes, but when you really
look at it, what has she done?

I mean, she fell in love
too quickly... like you.

She only wants
what's best for Louis...

like you.

She's inexplicably
drawn to me...

like you.

She did surprise me by cooking
my favorite meal naked.

Sadly, like you.

I mean, at least I-I traded
Lyndsey for a house.

What did you trade
Ms. McMartin for?


It's worse!

I traded her for you!

Oh, my God! We're idiots!

I know. We're gonna die alone!

Worse! We're gonna die
with each other!

Go to Ms. McMartin!

I will! Go to Lyndsey!

I will! I love you!

Oh, not the right time.
Knew that.

♪ Men. ♪

There you are.



Oh, I'm so sorry!

I thought you were an intruder.

But how did you get
in my apartment?

Well, I was gonna, um...

rent the vacant apartment
above you,

and then rappel
down the building

and smash through the window,
like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.

But then I just looked
under your mat,

and I found your spare key.

Oh! That's for my cat psychic.

Wha...? Your what?

What do you want?

I-I remembered
that your favorite meal was

pan-seared salmon
with orange miso glaze.

Oh, my God,
you made that for me?

No. Uh, I made...

uh, grilled cheese since it's

the only thing
I know how to make.

But the important thing
is I remembered.

Well, that's very sweet.

But... why?

I wanted to give us
another chance.

Oh... oh, I don't know,

B-Before you say anything else,
just... listen to this.

♪ When a man ♪

♪ Loves a social worker. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about
to leave for San Francisco,

and I need a ticket
on the 7:35 flight.

there's only one seat left,

and that's in first class.

Oh, how much is it?

Oh, go to hell!

I'm sorry, that was not,
uh, directed at you.

Uh, you know what,
uh, uh, Karen?

Uh, is it possible
that someone

who already has a coach seat

could be bumped for some reason?


say, if I give you...

ten reasons?

And you give me
five reasons back?

Sir, I cannot accept a bribe.

And I certainly cannot
give you change for a bribe.

You don't understand
how important it is

for me to get this ticket!

I will do anything.


Perhaps Karen wants

to get her groove back?

There is one thing you can do.

Name it.

You can give me $1,100.

I just... I just need
to get to that gate

before my girlfriend
boards that plane.

I-I need to tell her
that-that I-I love her

and I was wrong and I want
to spend my life with her.

I'm sorry, you should've
mentioned that before.

We have a special fare
for big romantic gestures.

And it's $1,100.


I'll go.

Karen: 1,100.

Love: zero.

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

♪ He can't keep his mind... ♪

I also remembered
how you love Michael Bolton.

Michael Bublé.


♪ If she's bad,
he can't... ♪


You know any Bublé?

God, no.

Okay, we're done here.

What are you looking at?

Get the hell
out of here, Bolton!


I gave up singing
the national anthem

at the Lakers game for this.

♪ When a man loves ♪

♪ Grilled cheese sandwiches. ♪

So, what do you say?

Will you give us another chance?

Walden, this is kind of
the man-woman playbook.

I dumped you, and now
you want to be with me

because you want
what you can't have.

Oh, God, you're so smart.
Let's make out.

I'm serious.

Well, so am I!

Come on, you're kind
and you're generous.

And it... and it's cute
how you turn on the water

in the bathroom so you think
I can't hear you peeing.

Plus, we're good
in bed together.


Although, after Alan,
anyone was gonna look good.

Okay, I will give you,
like, a billion dollars

if you never
bring that up again.

Look, you don't have
to give me money

when you want me to do
something-- just ask.

Why can't you be my husband?

I have to admit, it
would be kind of nice

to have Bolton singing right now.

♪ When a man loves a woman... ♪

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Boarding pass?

Here you go, good sir.

This is a Chinese takeout menu.

Okay, okay, um, I do not have,

uh, a boarding pass.

But if you will let me
go to that gate,

I'll do anything.


You can't go to the gate
without a boarding pass.

Have you ever been in love, sir?

Yes. With America.

Who I'm here to protect.

That's why nobody gets through
without a boarding pass.

Someone left a bag unattended!


We've got a runner!

Lyndsey! Lyndsey!



I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love-
love-love you-you-you-you-you!


== sync, corrected by elderman ==