Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 6 - Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants - full transcript

Walden dutifully agrees to attend one of his mother's monkey benefit dinners and even shouts eagerly begging Alan a $1000 plate on an unlikely quest to score a celebrity. Against expectations, Alan gets to meet his Wonder Woman heroin Lynda Carter and insists to be introduced to her. Walden agrees but starts doubting, as he feels his house-mate unworthy of almost anyone. Linda accepts, but only to kiss unprepared Walden.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh... oh, my God.

Oh... Oh, my God, Jenny!
Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh...
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jenny!
Give it to me.

Give it to me,

Just give it to her


Hey. Couldn't sleep, either?

No. Jenny and her friend
are crazy in there.

Have you ever made
a woman scream like that?


I hit her with my car.

It sounded like Jenny hit her

and then backed over her again.

And then hit her,

a-and then...
backed over her again.

And then hit her...

and then backed over her again.

I counted eight orgasms,
not including mine.

Hey, that's my niece.
Oh, yeah,

and out of respect to you,
I only listened to her friend.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, how about
this weekend we go out

and find some women
and make 'em scream?

In-in your imagination,

are they running away from you
or towards you?

You know what I mean.

Let's go out
and find some strange.

I'm looking at some strange.

Besides, I can't.

My mom's got a charity dinner
this weekend.

Oh, she's still trying
to help the monkeys?

Yeah, she's raising money
to expand her sanctuary

for helpless creatures
that nobody else wants.

Kind of like what I do for you.

Will there be any
single ladies there

looking to use those
opposable thumbs?

You know, swing on my vine,
peel my banana.

Well, there might be a few there

that want to throw
their poop at you.

Mm, sounds like a good cause;
I'll buy a ticket.

They're a thousand
dollars apiece.

Can I borrow $998?



That'll work.

You know what they say:

once you go Black & Decker,
you never go back.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x06 ♪
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
Original Air Date on November 7, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hey! Look at you.

Where are you going
in that monkey suit?

A benefit.

For monkeys.

How do I look?

Like you should be
on top of a cake.

Let me guess: you're the cake.

No, I'm the one that gets
to blow out the candle.

Oh, when did we install
a mirror in here?

Tell the truth, Berta,

you ever seen
two better-looking guys?



Oh. That must be my date.

Hi, honey.
You look amazing.

Oh, you look so handsome.

Wow, nice job, Walden.

Where'd you two meet?

Kind of a "meet cute."

I shot out of her.

Jenny, this is
my mom, Robin.

Mom, this is my new
roommate, Jenny.

Oh, well, it's
a pleasure to meet you.


does this mean
you finally moved out?

No, no, no,
Jenny's my niece.

She's staying
in Jake's room.

Well, I have my charity,
you have yours.

I can see where Walden
gets his pretty face.

Aren't you sweet?

He's single, you know.

I know. Are you?

Okay. All right, let's...

go save some monkeys.


Hey, just 'cause
you came out of it

doesn't mean
I don't want to get into it.

They call
these martinis?

The only thing they're saving
the monkeys from are DUI's.

You like that one?

No, I was just picturing
a drunk monkey driving a car.



That woman with your mom
looks just like Lynda Carter.

That is Lynda Carter.


Wait, wait, T-TV's
Wonder Woman?

The jewel of
Paradise Island?

The-the shining crusader for justice
and star-spangled hot pants?

I-I just call her Lynda.

And I just lost the cleaning
deposit on this tux.


Lynda, you look amazing.

Oh, my God.
The last time we saw each other,

you barely came up to here.

I remember those... days.

Introduce me.

Robin, you told me
he was successful,

but you didn't tell me
how gorgeous he is.

Well, it takes
a gorgeous person to know one.

No, it doesn't. I'm Alan.


This is Alan Harper.
He lives with Walden.

Oh, well, it's lovely

to meet you.

My gay fans have always been
my biggest supporters.

Oh, oh, no, no, I-I'm not gay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I told you the hormones
weren't working.

He's kidding.
Uh, I-I am very straight.

In fact, the longer I look
at you the straighter I become.

Well, if you'll excuse us,
I'm gonna start a fund

to, um, save Lynda
from this conversation.

It's lovely to meet you.

And it was "wonder-ful"
meeting you.

That's funny. I've never
heard that one before.

Don't be a stranger.

Call me.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I just wanted to put
my mouth where her mouth was.

And I also wanted to thank
you for a lovely evening.


Mm. I got to tell you,

you gave me a night
that I will never forget.

Don't ever say that to me again.

I'm serious.
Meeting Lynda Carter was

one of the greatest moments
of my life.

I mean, she was
my first celebrity crush.

I had a poster of her
that looked like

the bottom of a birdcage.

On behalf of Lynda Carter
and the rest of humanity...


You know, it's not just about
how beautiful she was.

I mean, she's multitalented.
I mean, I had all of her albums,

I-I-I've seen everything
she's ever done.


Were you hiding outside
her house in a bush?

Lynda Carter's bush.

Hey, you know, she's single.



Set me up with her.

Can't I just... get
you a new poster?

I'll laminate it.

Come on, come on.

I-I-I have been in love with
Lynda Carter for my whole life,

and because you know her
and I know you,

I actually have a shot.

I mean, this is fate.

This is probably
why my brother died.

You said fate
killed your brother

so you could get
that espresso machine.

Come on!

I'll see what I can do.


Yeah. Just don't
get your hopes up.

Oh, of course not.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the dance floor,

for the first time
as man and wife...

Mr. and Mrs. Lynda Carter.

Okay, great.
All right, we'll see you soon.


Was that her?


♪ Wonder Woman!

♪ For your friend,
Alan Harper! ♪

What are you doing?

Oh, it's the Wonder Woman
theme song.

♪ Wonder Woman!

♪ You're a wonder,
Wonder Woman! ♪

Not familiar.

You should be, 'cause it's...

♪ Kind of awesome!

I was ordering a pizza.

I haven't had a chance
to talk to her yet.

Why not?

♪ Does your word mean nothin'? ♪

You know what, uh,
to be perfectly honest, I...

I don't know
if this is a good idea.

What? Why?

What-what's wrong with her?
Is she crazy?

I like crazy. You met Lyndsey--
that bitch is cuckoo.

No, there's-there's
nothing wrong with her.

So what's the problem?

She's... Lynda Carter.


And you're...

♪ Alan Harper!


Oh, I get it.

You don't think
I'm good enough for her.

Oh, no, it's not that.

No, no, no, no, no,
it's fine, it's fine.

Just out of curiosity,
who am I good enough for?

Lots of people.
Well, name one.

Okay, how about...
how about the-the...

the barista at the coffee place.

The hot blonde, Vanessa?
Oh, God, no. No, I'm...


I'm talking about the other one.

The only other one is Miguel.

No. No, Tracy.
The one with the brown hair.

Coming out of her chin mole.

Okay, then Miguel.

I... I can't believe
you think so little of me.

It's not that.
Oh, you know what? You know what?

This is actually good.
I finally know where I stand

with my "friend."

Okay, Alan...

And you were gonna
be our best man!

Yeah, no, he's
not good enough for Miguel.

♪ Men.


Hey. You're up early.

Yup. Crack of dawn.

But, shh,
Dawn is still sleeping.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Uh, hey, Jenny,
do you have any idea

how to get tear stains
out of pillows?

It's certainly not more tears,
because I tried that.

Have you tried spraying

some desperate
cry for attention on it?

You want
some coffee?

Why, yes, I would.
Oh, uh, Walden,

is there some
uglier coffee

that might be more
appropriate for me?

All right.
Alan, you're being ridiculous.

Hey, sticks and stones
may break my bones,

but thanks to you,
I'll never bone Lynda Carter.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
will breakfast alone in my room.

What's wrong with Auntie Alan?

She's pouting 'cause I won't
set her up with Lynda Carter.

Why not?
Because, it's Lynda Carter.


And who's Lynda Carter?

Lynda Carter is an actress.

Oh. And she makes you
say her whole name?

She doesn't make you,

it's just something you do
when people reach icon status.

So why won't you
set Alan up with her?

She's out of his league.

What league is she in?

Well, among others,
the Justice League.

All right, I have no idea
what you're talking about,

so let me just
ask you a question.

Is Alan good enough
to be your friend?

Of course.

So then why isn't he good enough for her?
Okay, that's not fair.

There are a lot of women that
Alan is not good enough for.

Don't you think she should
decide who she can go out with?

Hmm. That's actually
a good point.

Hang on, one second,
is this Lynda Carter?


Yeah, Alan's not
good enough for her.



Are you decent?

Not by your standards.

Okay, I'm coming in.

What do you want?

If it's self-esteem you're
after, there's none here.

I was wrong.

It is not my place to decide
who you can or cannot date.

No, no, it's fine.

Uh, actually, I'm making a list

of the people
you shouldn't date.

Uh, Number one:
Anyone with a heart.

Okay, you know, I deserve that.

And number two,
Taylor Swift, because she will

write a song about you called
"Back-Stabbing Dream Killer."

Okay, well, if you will let me,

I would like
to make it up to you.

I invited my mother and Lynda
over for dinner tomorrow night.

So, you are free
to ask her out yourself.

If you're joking,
I swear to God

I will pack my things and you
will never see me again.

I was joking.
So was I.

You're not just doing this
out of pity, are you?

Don't answer, I don't care.

You're a good friend.

So are you.

And, again, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Okay. Oh, and,
and, a little tip:

when Lynda's here, just try
not to act like a crazy fan.

I got it.

No, no, seriously, like, if,
if you want a shot with her

you need to treat
her like she's a normal person.

And, and you should
pretend to be one, yourself.

It's not a problem.

Until tomorrow.

All right,
I'm out of here.

Dinner's in the oven
and the wine's chilling.

Oh, thank you.

No, I was talking about
at my house.

Oh, oh, uh, uh,
before you go, um,

uh, uh, which is my good side?

I'm trying to figure out
where to sit at dinner.

I-I want my good side
facing Lynda.

All right.

Turn to your left.


Now turn to your right.


Turn around.


Who hurt you, Berta?

Oh, uh...

Ooh, uh, just in case.

Oh, God, it burns!

What did I say about
acting like a normal person?

That was before I got mint spray
in Little Alan's eye.

I'm not even gonna ask.

Oh, hey, you two
look beautiful.

Oh, it's great
to see you again, Walden.

And don't forget about me.

Oh, don't worry, I haven't.

Okay, you can let go now.

Well, I'm glad
you two could make it.

Wow, this is quite the place.

Thank you.

Single guy living at the beach,

you must do well
with the ladies.

I do okay, but this guy
is the real charmer.

Blink twice if you're
being held against your will.

Well, it's,
it's true, in my youth

I was a bit of a,
a rapscallion.

A rake.

A... gadabout.

A... g-gadabout?

What have you.

Yeah, but that was
in your past, right?

And now you're just a
normal, regular guy?

Yeah, that's right,
that's right.

I'm just a,
a normal, regular guy

looking for a crazy
little thing called love.

♪ Crazy little thing called love... ♪

What's that I hear?

Is that the lovely voice of
triple-threat Lynda Carter?

Actress, singer, dancer?

Wait a second,
do I smell mint?

Yes, and it's not
coming from my mouth.

Oh ,uh, uh,
would you mind signing it

"From a Wonder Woman
to a Super Man"?

How about "best wishes"?
That works.

Hey, you know,
I'll, I'll bet you could

make a lot of money
traveling around

and signing
at conventions and stuff.

I'm not a big fan of travel.

Yeah, not to mention
the weirdos you'd meet.

Ugh. You don't
have to tell me,

I mean, I-I've talked
to a lot of them

on the Wonder Woman
message boards. Freaks!


I'm pretty sure Lynda didn't
come here just to sign things.

Oh, of course, of course.
Sorry, I just, you know,

I, I geeked out a bit.

Oh, that's okay.
You can't imagine how often

I get roped into these kinds
of conversations.

Roped? Or...


Oh, God. He's gonna tie her up
and throw her in a van.

No, no. This is an original
Wonder Woman Lasso of Truth.

I-I got it at Comic Con '88.

Yeah, back when only
the really cool people went.

Whoever is wearing the lasso
must tell the truth.

Is this
the best night of my life?

It is.

Are you completely oblivious
to social cues?

You are.

Oh, oh, would you mind
posing with it

so I can snap a quick picture?


No. It, it's okay.
Let's just take the picture.

Oh great, great. Oh,
crud. The memory's full.

Uh, uh, let me just
delete a few.

Good-bye, Jake.
Good-bye, Jake.

Oh, kitty, hang in there.

Good-bye, Jake.

Okay, would you like to...

Hurry back.

It's going well, isn't it?

I have chimps smarter than you.

I'm really sorry
about tonight.

Oh, it's okay.
He's harmless.

He is harmless, right?

Yeah, he's harmless,
clueless, homeless.

He's pretty much "less."

I'm glad I came over.

It's really good
to see you again.

Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
And you look amazing.

Or, should I say,

See? When you do it, it's cute.

Oh, uh, Jenny,

this is Lynda Car...

Lynda freakin' Carter.

Nice to meet you.

Jenny is
Alan's niece.

Ah, well, I won't
hold that against you.

Beautiful and funny.

Aren't you sweet.

Oh, I can be way sweeter.

Or less, if that's
what you're into.


You still like
wearing cuffs?

Okay. All right, uh, Jenny,
isn't your bedroom that way?

What he said.

See? I told you the
gays really like me.

I'm sorry. I, I,
I actually, I do have to ask:

does Alan have
a shot with you?

That Alan?

You do know I'm Lynda
freakin' Carter, right?

Okay. Asked
and answered.

It seems that everyone
in this house wants to be with me

except the one that I want.

Wait, what?

Okay, I made room for...


Dude, seriously?

No wonder you
brought her out here. Oh!

God, I'm so angry I forgot to
emphasize the word "wonder."

Alan, it's not what you think.
Oh, really?

'Cause I'm thinking you're
kissing Lynda Carter.

What is going on?
Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.

Your son, my ex-friend,
still roommate,

just double-crossed me.

Alan, you're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, am I?

Okay, I'm not
gonna do this.

Oh, aren't you?

Okay, that's it.

Oh, this is about
to really suck.



Listen, uh,
about last night...

Let's just drop it.

Fair enough.

Again, I-I am
very sorry.

I got it. Mo-Moving on.

I know you would never
intentionally try to hurt me.

We're past it.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==