Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 5 - Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 - full transcript

Walden can't bear to watch Jenny waste her future by partying all day instead of pursuing her acting dream, so he arranges a course with a Hollywoodian, but she deserts bored after a single lesson and still profits from lesbian luck. Alan can't resist spying on Lindsey's 'other boyfriend' Larry, whose discarded cloths he already wears, then meets him cycle-spinning in the gym, finds him incredibly nice and generous. Alan befriends him under the alias Jeff and stands Lindsey up for Larry's VIP sky box invitation, only to find her attending too, but she plays along.


What are you doing, Alan?

Gazing at you
in the morning light.

Aw, that's sweet.

And creepy.

I just... I
can't remember

the last time we woke up together.

And we're not the only two up.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, you.

That's just creepy.

Where you going?

I have to pick Larry up
from the airport.

Oh, have Larry take a cab
and stay here with me.

I'll even give you $50
for the fare.

(both laugh)

All right, all right,
I'll walk you out.

Let me just tuck the old
rooster back in the barn.



Oh. Hi.

Jenny, this is Lyndsey.

This is Lyndsey, too.
It's Leslie.

Oh, that's a pretty name.

I really enjoyed
myself last night.

Well, I really enjoyed myself
watching you enjoy yourself.

Oh. Wow.

Got a little traffic jam here.

"Pretty lady pileup
on the PCH in Malibu.

I know at least one of them
was rear-ended."

Sorry, girls.

This one's mine.

I'll see you.
Okay. Bye.

Call me.
Call me.

Call me.
(door shuts)

I'm not calling.

I'm not calling.

She's not calling.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x05 ♪
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
Original Air Date on October 24, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*

Ow. Ow.

Okay, okay. This is ridiculous.
Why can't we go to a hotel?

Are you gonna spring for a room?

Traditionally, the mistress
does not pay.

I'm sorry. I just don't
have a lot of time,

and I have a lot
of other errands to run.

So I'm just an errand?

No. But you are
on my to-do list.

So what do you say we do it
in the backseat?

Really? I'd say
you're usually drunk

before you let me do...

I'm talking about the backseat
of the car.

Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure.

Oh, there's a box of stuff
back here.

Just shove that junk
in the trunk.

I'm getting a lot
of mixed messages here.

Wh-What is this stuff anyway?

Bunch of old clothes of Larry's.

I'm giving them to Goodwill
after I squeeze you in.

I did that one on purpose.

Mmm. This is nice stuff.

I have to bring some stuff
to Goodwill.

Why don't I just take this, too?

Really? What do you have
to bring to Goodwill?

Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause
I just got a new wardrobe.

♪ Men. ♪



Oh, thank God. I thought
I was drinking in the morning.


where do you see yourself
in five years?

Little house on the beach
in Hawaii with Kate Upton.

Wait, Kate Upton's straight.

Give me two weeks.

What I'm saying is,
you didn't just move out here

to party and drink, did you?

Well, I want to be an actress,


I mean, seriously, what are you
doing about your career?

Are you looking for an agent?

Are you taking acting classes?

Oh, my God. If I squint,

you're, like,
a prettier version of my mom.

I'm pointing out
that it's the middle of the day

and you stl haven't done
a single thing yet.

I could say the same thing
about you.

Oh. There.

I just sold a company
for $25 million.


No, I bought a Groupon
for Indian food.

But it's still more
than you've done.

Oh, oh, sorry.

What's that? Oh. Why, yes,

it is a $5,000 Armani suit.

Wow. $5,003 just walked
into the room.

It's one of Larry's old suits.

He was gonna give it to charity,
but I stole it just in time.


Alan, you're going to hell.

Yes, but you're going to Heaven,
and I'll just be your plus-one.

Sweet. Somebody else
for you to judge.

I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton.

You're already having sex
with this guy's girlfriend.

Now you're wearing his clothes?

I know. How awesome am I?

I have a hot blonde girlfriend,

a closet full
of designer clothes

and a beach house.

Where to begin?

Not your girlfriend,
not your clothes

and-- how many times
do I have to say this?--

it's not your beach house.

In fact, if you took away

everything that was
Larry's or mine,

you'd be alone on the street
in your underwear.

Actually, I'd be naked.

Please tell me you're wearing
Larry's underwear and not mine.

Yes, they're Larry's.

Although my bug is a little snug
in his rug.

King to rook four.
Checkmate, Alan's penis.

I don't think
I've ever said this.

In fact, I don't know if anyone
has ever said this, but...

Alan Harper,
you're better than this.

I'm just making the best
of what I've got.

You know,
when life gives you lemons,

you take the lemon's clothes

and have sex
with his girlfriend.

Okay. Where do you see you
and Lyndsey in five years?

JENNY: Don't answer!
It's a trap!

All I'm saying is, is you
deserve a real relationship.

Well, what would you do
if you were in my shoes?

First, I'd give them back
to Larry.

And then I would tell Lyndsey
that things have to change

and I want more, and if she
can't give me what I want,

then I'm not gonna give her
what she wants.

You do know what
she wants, though, right?

Wham, wham, wham.

That was sex.

No, that was sad.

But you know what?

Hey, if you're happy,
then so be it.

No, no, no. You're right.
I'm-I'm gonna tell her that...

I want more, you know,
that I'm not just a, you know,

human vibrator.

how cool would that be?


How bad must this Larry guy
be in bed?

♪ Men. ♪

That was amazing.

Tell your friends.

Although, were you buzzing
at one point?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I was just trying
something new.

No, no, whatever you did
definitely worked.

Alan Harper, pleasing
women since 2003.

That's when I
got divorced.

You always make me laugh.

If that's the case, then
be with me all the time.


I want you back. I'm tired
of being the other man.

Oh, don't do this.
We're having such a good time.

Exactly. We have the best
sex, I-I make you laugh...

Often simultaneously.

What could Larry possibly
give you that I don't?

There's just something
about him.

You'd have to know him
to understand.

He-he satisfies
a different part of me.

Point to it and I'll buzz it.

Alan, I know
this is hard on you.

And, yes, I know
I said "hard on."

I just want to
see more of you.

Okay, how about this?

Larry takes spinning classes
on Tuesday and Thursday nights.

You can see more of me then.


But I am not gonna be

at your beck and
call forever.

I have my dignity.

That would carry more weight
if you weren't wearing

Larry's underwear.

Well, the joke's on you.

This is Walden's underwear.

♪ Men. ♪

You have a second?

I just finished my second.

What I need is a third.

I will fill your cup,
but I will fill it

with knowledge, potential
and opportunity.

But bourbon makes me feel
smarter, prettier and taller.

What is this?

A friend of mine teaches
an acting class,

and there is a spot for you.

Yeah, this guy's
the best.

Here, check out
his credits.

CSI, urinating bum
number three.

Dexter, headless
victim number two.

That ain't easy.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause I like you.


I don't want you to wake up
one day and realize

that you've wasted your life and
you have nothing to show for it.

What I'm saying is,

I don't want you
to turn out like Alan.

I don't want two Alans.

I can't have two Alans.

Okay, all right, all right,
all right. Calm down.

I'll-I'll go to the class, okay?

Thank you.

Uh, but you're gonna pay
for it, right?

Oh, it's starting already.

♪ Men. ♪

Alan, Larry's at spin class.
Where are you?

I can't make it. I-I think
I've got food poisoning.

Oh, no. What'd you eat?

Well, I had some crappy crepes,

and now I've got
some crepe-y craps.

Oh, that's awful.

I hope you feel better.

Thanks. Me, too.

Tonight I'll be hugging
the toilet,

but I'll be thinking of you.


Um, hey, is this bike taken?

Nope, help yourself.

Great. First-timer.

Welcome. I'm Larry.

I'm... Jeff.

Nice to meet you, Jeff.

So, you're a newbie, huh?

Well, yeah, how
hard can it be?

It's just riding a bike.


I used to have
those same exact shoes.

Even had a hole
in the same spot.


Well, I've got my eye
on the ones you're wearing.

♪ Men. ♪

(upbeat dance music playing)

Isn't this great?

Kill me!

You got this.

The only thing I've got
is a blister

in the space
between my balls and my ass.

Come on, Jeff. Don't quit!

You can do it!

I can't.

Yes, you can!

You can keep it up
for a few more seconds!

I'm doing it!

I'm doing it! It's working!

I'm a maniac!

I'm a maniac!

Attaboy. Don't go soft on me!

Finish strong!

(song ends)


I was pedaling
toward the light.

It was so beautiful.

My pop-pop was there.

He was smoking his pipe.

It smelled like cinnamon
and cherries.

Come on. Let's get you
off this bike, Jeff.

Who's Jeff?

Boy, you really are
out of it.

Come on, we'll get you
some water.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're still clipped in there!

Pop-Pop, help!

Don't worry.
I got you. I got you.

Oh. You're so strong.

I feel so safe.

That was so much
harder than I thought.

But you did it.

Uh, well, yeah, thanks to you.

Nice job, Larry.

See you Thursday?
You know it.

I can see why you like
these cycling classes.

Wouldn't mind taking her
on a Tour de Pants. (chuckles)

That's funny. But I actually
got a girlfriend.

Hey, I've got towels at home.

Doesn't mean I'm not taking
a couple of these with me.

No, Lyndsey's great.

I know what it's like to have
a girl you're crazy about.

I had a girl
I would have killed for.

You ever kill anybody, Larry?

You're... you're hilarious.

Yeah, I-I actually did dabble

in stand-up comedy
back in the '80s.

I-I had this one bit
about Nixon working in a diner.

I am not a cook.


The '80s?
What, were you, like, five?

(phone ringing)


There really is something
about him.

Uh, do you need
to answer that?

No, it's just
a work call.

Wait. Does that say...
does that say "Billy Joel"?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I manage musicians,

so I'm trying to sign him,
but I'll call him back.

I'm talking to you.

But he's a rock star.

Rock stars aren't so impressive

when they've had a bottle
of white, a bottle of red

and they're peeing
in your koi pond.

What do you do, Jeff?

Oh, I'm just a-a chiropractor.

Just a chiropractor?

Your hands heal.

You know what these hands do?

They roll over drummers before
they choke on their own vomit.

I make people fart when
I press down on their backs.

Hey, I'm gonna grab a smoothie.

You want to...?
Oh, I should probably head...

My treat.
...over to the smoothie bar

with my new friend Larry.

I swear, I had
that same shirt, too.

Looks like we're into a
lot of the same things.

♪ Men. ♪


Whoa! Where were you?

Lance Armstrong's gay
Halloween party?

Very funny.


Is that a thing?
Did you get invited?

No. Where were you?

Oh, I was at spin class
with Lyndsey's boyfriend.

Should I ask why or just wait
to see it on 48 Hours?

I simply wanted to find out
what he's got that I don't.

Other than... mental health,
pride and his own underwear?

That's just it.
He does have it all.

I can totally see
why Lyndsey loves him.

He's-he's kind, he's generous,

he's got a smile
that lights up a juice bar.

And-and the kicker is,
he likes me.

And did his smile light up

when you told him
you were plowing his girlfriend?

No. Alan is plowing
his girlfriend.

Larry's friend, Jeff,
will be joining him

in his luxury box at
the Laker game tomorrow night.


I-I just have to cancel
my plans with Lyndsey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're telling me you would
rather spend the evening

in Larry's box?

Hey. How'd the acting class go?

It was great.

We did this improv exercise

where I had to pretend
to be high.

I nailed it.

Oh, uh, you know,
in college, uh,

I-I did a little
musical theatre.

And the winner

for the least surprising
sentence ever goes to...

Alan Harper!

Scoff if you will, but, uh,

I actually starred in
our production of Cats.

And the new winner for least
surprising sentence ever...

Okay, I will have you know
that the campus newspaper said

that my portrayal
of Rum Tum Tugger

was purrfect.

I've never seen Cats.

You've never seen...?

♪ The Rum Tum Tugger
is a curious cat. ♪

Well, if you're coming
out of the closet,

come out dancing.

♪ Men. ♪

Boy, this really makes you
feel like a man, doesn't it?

Basketball, cheerleaders,
a crisp Pinot Noir.

There's beer in the fridge, too.

What? And undo all
that spinning? Oh, no.

A second on the lips,
a month on the hips.


Did you ever do this
gay character in your stand-up?

Yeah. It was a real

I, uh... I also do a-a
character who's really cheap.

(laughs) "Hey, is everything here
free? Even those shrimp""


If I kept going,
I'd say, "Hey, uh,

can I get a to-go container?"

Help yourself, you cheap queer.


Hey, uh, can I get
a to-go container?


Hope we don't end up
on the Kiss Cam.

I've been told
my kisses are like French fries.

Can't stop with just one.


LARRY: Lyndsey, what
a surprise!


Hey, sweetie.
My plans fell through.

Well, now you
can meet Jeff.

Jeff, this is my
girlfriend Lyndsey.

He's always joking
around. Get over here!


Hi. So, this is the guy

you were telling me about?

Yes, uh, uh, Lyndsey, was it?


I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.

This is Jeff.
Jeff Strongman.

That's uniqu aname.

Uh, it's-it's German.

Uh, it's actually pronounced

(clears throat)


It almost sounds
made up, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, it's not,
so shut up.

Sweetie, it-it's cold in here.

I think I left a jacket
in the car. Would you mind?

Of course.

Hey, I can trust you alone
with my girlfriend, right?

If you can't, then my name's not
Jeff Strungmin.

(door closes)

What the hell is
going on, Jeff?

Are you trying to
break me and Larry up?

No, I would never
do that to Larry.

Then what are
you doing here?

I just... I wanted to figure out
what Larry has that I don't

so that I could be
more like him,

and then you'd come
back to me.

Look, I already
have a Larry.

If you turned into Larry,
I'd have to find another Alan.

Yes, you idiot!

Don't you get it?

No man has ever turned
me on like you do.

It's a gift and a curse.

Shut up.

I'll stop talking,
but I won't stop...

(imitates buzzing)
No, stop it.

(imitates buzzg)

I'm still mad at you!

Well, I don't blame you.

I have been very naughty.

Perhaps I should be punished.

Let's go.

What...? Wait. Where?

We'll do it in
the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Beats the hell
out of the Kiss Cam.

♪ Men. ♪



How did the acting class go?

I didn't go.


I talked to my friend,
and he said you didn't go,

so admit it!

I just did.

I know!

And I wasn't prepared for that.

I went to the first class,
but it was lame.

It doesn't meant that you're not
gonna learn something from it.

Do you think that I just said,
"Oh, I have a software idea

and I'm gonna sell it for
a billion dollars the next day"?

I Googled you.
That is what happened.

The point is, is that,
if-if that hadn't happened,

I would have been willing
to work for it.

Look, I-I get it,

but all this touchy-feely stuff
just freaks me out.

Half the reason
I got into acting

was so I could pretend
to be someone else,

not so I could spend time
thinking about

how I don't
get along with my mom.

And how I never knew my father.

How I'm 25 years old

and living in the guest room
of a stranger's house.


I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to stir all this up. I just...

And that's why
I don't need acting lessons.

You know what?

If you don't want

to help yourself,
I can't force you.

But the choices
that you make today

are going to affect you
for the rest of your life.

And as long as you live
under my roof...

Oh, God, kill me.

♪ Men. ♪


Is everything okay?

The only thing
I can feel in your pants

is the shrimp that you stole.

I'm sorry. I'm-I'm
just nervous.

Can you do this or not?

I don't think so.

I mean, what would Larry say?

Come on, Jeff. Don't quit.


I didn't say anything.

You can do it.

Yes, you can.

You know what?
Maybe I can do this.



Don't go soft on me.

Go, Jeff, go.

Oh, Alan.

Call me Jeff.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Guess who got an audition.



That's amazing.
Tell me about it.

Well, I went back
to the acting class.


Isn't that funny?

The thing I suggested you do

that you didn't want to do

turned out to be the exact thing
that you should have done.

Yeah, well, after about an hour
of that acting crap,

I had to go get a drink.

So, I bailed
and went to a bar

where I met a casting director.

Turned out she was a lesbian,
so I had a leg up.

And when I put it down,
I had an audition.

♪ Men. ♪


You have got to stop doing that.

And you have to stop looking
so pretty when you sleep.

Okay, I heard it that
time. It was creepy.

You know what? I don't have
to go anywhere today.


Larry's got a friend
picking him up at the airport.

Oh, shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!

♪ Men. ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*