Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 20 - Lotta Delis in Little Armenia - full transcript

Alan decide to start a new business venture at the house. Walden reeling from his recent break up goes to a therapist. The therapist says he falls in love very easily, the therapist advises him to try having casual sex to help him get over his break up. When one of Alan's clients shows up and he's not there. Walden entertains her and he sleeps with her. And thinking that's what Alan's business is and pays Alan. Alan upon seeing how much money he makes let's women think that's what's going on but doesn't tell Walden.

Hello, Walden. Good to see you.

I would say good to see you.

But when I see you,
it's because things aren't good.

If things were always good
with people,

I wouldn't have that condo
in Palm Springs.

So what's going on?

Well, I left the woman that I loved
and thought I was gonna marry

for another woman
who I thought I loved more,

and then I lost them both.

So tell me about these women.

Well, Kate was my ex.

We broke up in the first place
was because she moved to China.

She's amazing.

She's smart, and driven,
and sexy, and beautiful.

Then there's Vivian
who's a girl who knocked on my door

because she wanted to drink
from my hose.

Let's table the hose part for now

and focus on the fact you broke up
with a woman you loved

for a stranger
who knocked on your door.

I know. Romantic, right?

What the hell's wrong with you?

Isn't that what I'm paying you
to tell me?

If I just tell you the answers,
I don't get to yell at you.

And this has to be fun for me, too.

Let me ask you something, Walden.

Have you ever been able to have sex
and not fall in love?

Only with myself.

It seems to me you base your value

on who's willing
to have sex with you.

How do you feel
after you sleep with someone?


Happy, bashful, dopey.
Basically, all the dwarves.

Did it ever occur to you
these women might also be grateful?


Well, why not? You're a smart,
successful, good-looking guy.

There are plenty of women
who would love to have sex with you.

Are you flirting with me?

Walden, now you're attempting
to forge an emotional attachment

with your gay therapist.

Is it working?

A little bit.
You're extremely pretty.

But the point is,
you need to break this pattern.

- How am I supposed to do that?
- I'm gonna write you a prescription.

You need to learn
to enjoy sexual relations

without concluding
that every woman is "the one".

"Bang everything that moves."

Twice a day if possible.

Mixing with alcohol is fine,
just not while driving.

If you do this, it's very likely
that the next time you fall in love,

the emotions that you feel
will be authentic

and not just projecting on someone

because you shared
a physical connection.

What if the girl I have sex with
turns out to be "the one"?


When I'm done with you,
I'm gonna be able to buy a yacht.


So, Mr. Mardirosian,
if you don't mind my asking.

How did you hear
about my chiropractic business?

"Adjustments by the Sea".

You came into the deli.

You asked to pay
with free back adjustment.

That doesn't narrow it down.

I made that offer in a lot of delis
in Little Armenia.

Why don't you hop up on the table

and I'll try to make your back
as tender as your kebabs.

Oh, my. I guess this explains
the hair in my hummus.


Those are balls.
Can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, just make yourself comfortable?


(WHISPERING) By the sea.

- What's going on?
- I don't know if you've noticed,

but I haven't really been working
very much lately.

You know, now that you mention it,
I have noticed that you've been here

literally every day
for the past three years.

The point is that I'm trying
to get my business going again.

Ergo, Adjustments by the Sea.

That's great.
And I'm really proud of you.

But why is it happening
"in my living room"?

Because you can charge
$50 more an hour

if it's "by the sea",

and not "above a Quiznos".

Okay, this is my house.
Not a place of business.

I need to build my clientele
so I can rent a new space.

I promise, you'll not know I'm here.

- I always know you're here!
- Oh, you are so sweet.

This is gonna be a good thing.
You'll see.

I'll never see anything
but those balls again.

Of all the places
he doesn't have hair.

Hey, Berta.
Can I ask you a personal question?

Twice. Once in college,

and once with a waitress
from Howard Johnson's.


Do you think it's possible
to have sex with someone

without an emotional attachment?

Of course.

My rule is, "Find them,
fornicate and forget them".

Mine is, "Love them, lose them,
live your life with Alan".

I like yours, it's catchier.

Not as catchy as what I got
from that waitress.

Thank God for penicillin.

- You should be on TV.

- Hello?
- Is this Adjustments by the Sea?


Actually, it's pronounced
"Adjustments by the Sea".

Okay, well, I have an appointment
with Dr. Harper at 2:00.

Oh, looks like Dr. Harper
isn't here right now.

Why don't you come and have a seat
and I'll see if I can reach him?


Wow, this is quite a place.

Yes, Dr. Harper has made
a tremendous success of his life.

He's gone from having nothing
to living in a house on the beach.

How does he do it?


Adjustments by the Sea,
please hold.


Your call is important to us.

WALDEN: Alan, it's me.

You didn't have to yell.
You could've just hit zero.

You have a client here.
Where are you?

I'm stuck in traffic.
There was an accident.

- Well, how long until you get here?
- I don't know.

How long does it take the Jaws of Life
to pry open a Prius?

Just keep her busy.

How? I'm not a chiropractor.

According to State Licensing Board,
neither am I.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

It's the one time
I actually want him in my house!

I'm sorry, he's stuck in traffic.

I'm Walden.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Tracy.

I have to say,
the view here is very impressive.

Oh, yeah,
the beach is beautiful, isn't it?

I wasn't talking about the beach.

You're not?

Oh, you're talking about...

Thank you.

So, Walden,
are you a chiropractor, too?

Oh, no. You do not want these hands
touching your body.

I don't have the proper credentials.

I do, however,
have a note from a doctor.

Is that velour?

You are adorable.

So how'd you hurt your back?

You know, it might just be easier
if I showed you.

- Easy's always good.
- That's true.

Although, some things are better
when they're harder.

Oh, yeah, like working out.

Or what you're talking about.

I see how you hurt your back.

I hope I didn't hurt yours.
Sorry for the scratch marks.

Listen, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way.

I think taking it the wrong way
is what fixed my back.

Actually, that was an accident,
but it worked out for everyone.

Anyway, I recognize
that what we just shared

is something very intimate.

And it would only be natural
for both of us

to be experiencing affection
for one another

and perhaps develop a desire
to share a meal or a drink

or a couple years together.

But is it possible
that what might be best

is for this to remain
a casual encounter?


- Really?
- Yep.

If you wanna get a cup of coffee...

Got to pick up my kids from soccer.
Thanks, Walden.

Aw, what a good mom.

Oh, good, Mrs. Butler.
I am so sorry I'm late.

Oh, don't worry about it. It's fine.

No, no, no, it's not.
We still have a half an hour.

Any kinks you need worked out?

Trust me, the next time
I'm feeling kinky, I'll be back.

- Here you go.
- Oh, but I didn't...

- Don't worry about it. I got to run.
- Okay, well, come again.

Oh, I will.

Sadly, it's not the first time
a woman has paid not to touch her.

- Morning.
- I had sex yesterday.

When's the wedding?


No. This was different.

If the kind of sex I had was a suit,

it would be made of linen
because it was so casual.

- You? Really?
- I know, you believe it?

We started having sex,
I caught myself trying to make love.

And I said, "No, no, no.

This is gonna be meaningless
and empty like two wild elk,

rutting on the Siberian tundra."

You know, only male elk rut.

And only lesbians
who didn't have sex last night

point out stupid animal facts.


I got it.

- Hello.
- Hi, is this Adjustments by the Sea?

Actually, today it's Adjustments
by the Closed Patio Door

because a seagull pooped
on my last client.

I am Dr. Alan Harper.
Do you have an appointment?

I do, but I was hoping
I could see your associate, Walden.

Oh, no, there must be
some kind of mistake.

Walden doesn't actually
work with me.

According to my friend, Tracy,
he worked with her quite well.

- Tracy?
- She was here yesterday.

For the "internal" massage.

Oh! Oh!

Well, I don't know what went on
between the two of them.

But this is not
that type of business.

Okay, I get it.
Maybe this'll help.

Oh, no. I'm not really comfortable

letting you stand out in the cold.
Please come in.

Thank you.

Now if I want anything special,
should I negotiate with him?

Oh, no.

No. No, no, no, no.


Walden considers himself an artist.

As far as he's concerned,

you're just two strangers
meeting in a chiropractic room.

Any mention of money
would just upset him.

I understand.

Yeah, and here's a diagram
of the human body.

Mark the areas you'd like him
to give special attention to.

Oh, my. X marks the G-spot.

Oh, good. Walden, you're here.
I need your help.

Could you keep my client company
until I get back?

Alan, I'm not here
to baby-sit your clients.

- I could do it.
- No.

No, no. This is a man's job.
I'll be right back.

Hi. I'm sorry.

Dr. Harper had to take care
of something really quick.

Is there anything I can offer you?

Well, that depends.

Can I offer you anything, stranger?


I do see a couple things I like.

So do I.

You've got a lovely place here.

Can't wait to see every inch of it.

That might take a while.

Why? Is it big?

I've been told that it's quite big.

Wait. We're not really talking
about the house, are we?

- No. No, we're not.
- Oh, yay!

It's big.

Would you like a tour?

I think that is an excellent idea.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Oh, by the way, my name is...

No names.

Today, we are just two wild elk

on the frozen tundra.

Ooh, elk. I can do that.


I don't know what's weirder.

That noise
or the fact it turned me on.

Hey, sorry about that.
Where's my client?

How do I say this exactly?

I had sex with your client.


I know, and it's not the first one.

My therapist prescribed
that I have meaningless sex

to take care
of my codependency issues.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.

Look, obviously, I can't condone
this kind of behavior.

But if you think it's helping you,
that's really the important thing.

It is helping. I feel so free.

Do you know what it's like
to have sex with a woman

who never wants to see you again?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I appreciate you understanding.

But I'm sure that this is taking
a toll on your business.

Here. Here's $200.

You don't have to do that, Walden.
No, I'm not taking your money.

- Look, I insist.
- No. No.

Okay. That's fine.

Thank you.



I think I have another one for you.

I don't know, I think I'm over
the whole one-night stand thing.

Come on, you said you wanted
to get into the casual sex game.

I got you into the game.

Now you're telling you're tired?

The game doesn't work like that.

Even if I wanted to,
I'm not sure that I could.

My penis looks like one of those
dried-out 7-11 hot dogs.

Look, I'm not gonna twist your arm
or break a finger or anything.

Bottom line,
I just want you to be happy, baby.

Okay, what is the matter with you?

Why are you massaging me
and calling me "baby"

and dressed like a gay cheetah?

Don't hate the cheetah,
hate the game.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go talk to this woman.

Mostly, because I don't wanna talk
to you anymore.

Oh, hang on a second.

Okay, now, go have fun.

Oh, my God.

That was fantastic.

Your partner was right.
You're the best.

What are you talking about?

The weird little guy downstairs.

Oh, that. He's not my partner.

Oh, got you.

Anyway, don't share this
with your "not-partner". Wink-wink.

- What's this?
- Oh, just a little tip.

For the big one you gave me.

- You don't have to give me a tip.
- Yeah, right.

Like I didn't have to pay the guy
for the Walden Package.

- You paid him?
- It was worth every penny.


Oh, by the way,
I think you might be the one.


I'm your whore? Your whore?

What? No!

I mean, whore is such an ugly word
for such a pretty man.

How could you?

You knew I was using desperate,
horny housewives

for meaningless sex
to improve myself,

and you had to go
and turn it into something ugly!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It sort of happened by accident.

It was a one-time thing.

And then you turned into the goose
that laid the golden eggs.

And then into the goose that laid
whatever the hell I told it to.

This is a new low even for you.

Oh, big words coming from someone
having sex for money.

- Alan?
- Yeah?


- ALAN: Ow!

My pimp hand.



Hi, is this Adjustments by the Sea?

Yeah. But actually, we're closed.

Oh, that's such a shame.

Because I was really hoping
to see Walden.

Oh, I'm Walden. Please come in.

Hey, just to be clear.

The way this works
is that I pay you money

and in return you have sex with me?

Yes. "By the Sea".

Alrighty then.
I have heard all I need to hear.

Okay. Are you ready to start?

Oh, yes.

But first,
you have the right to remain silent.

And you have the right
to make as much noise as you want.

Anything you say can
and will be held against you.

I'd like to hold those against me.

- Oh! Oh, kinky. Okay.
- You're being arrested.

Yes I am, by your captivating gaze.

- Wait. I'm really being arrested?
- Yeah.

Oh, God. No. No.
Wait, we can work this out.

I have money.

Walden! Walden, help me! Walden!
Okay, wait.

Just to be clear.
We're not having sex, right?

When are you gonna tell him
that was my acting coach?

Probably after the cavity search.

By the sea.


(English US - SDH)